But anyway, I told you all that it was so strange to me to all of a sudden be finding myself in these situations--because see, it started Thanksgiving weekend, when we were with DH's parents at their home. It was--wow!--two years ago when I last wrote about this topic, and I meant to go back and share the full story. I really still want to do that, but once again don't have time to go all into it. But let's just say, at this Thanksgiving MIL once again told me I/we had ruined Christmas forever for her, because of past hurts--things that she feels we did out of complete disregard for her feelings, that we did on purpose, and that she thinks reflect who we really are inside (which I guess would be insensitive, completely selfish, egotistical, and heartless).
It is really hard to see ourselves through her eyes--I see why she thinks what she does, and it is sure unattractive, and yet it is also not honest or true. But she thinks it is. Or chooses to think it is. Not sure how much difference there is between the two.
Anyway, I think this whole thing has been building to a head, and this will hopefully be the year it all comes out and we can move on and start re-learning how to better give and receive gifts so STUFF does not have the negative, unhealthy, unGodly power in our relationship that it currently has.
(By the way, my words are completely depleted, after last week's surge of activity, and my time for writing is almost out, so if this does not make sense, I'll come back and clarify, ok?)
So after Thanksgiving, I knew it was TIME. Time to actually talk about these issues, so there are no more negative conversations in the kitchen over holidays, so I know MIL has heard me try to make it right, so we can try to move on in a more healthy way of interacting. It is time to leave the hurtful past in the past, and just do our best to love as fully as possible from now on.
SO. I wrote a couple of letters to MIL a couple of weeks ago. (I have done this every few years, when there is some big issue that MIL and I clearly need to work through but which we can not seem to actually talk about. I write a letter, soooooo careful in my wording, always make it about our relationship and not about who is right or wrong, focus on healing and the future, and make a few very clear requests for our future interactions. MIL has never responded or even acknowledged my letters in any way, but I know she has read them, and she has even listened, because over time I realize the issues we were having that I addressed in the letter are not nearly as bad. So I decided it was time for another letter, this one about more healthy ways to give and receive gifts this year and in the future.
I made time, got everyone settled so I had a quiet house, sat down--and the letter that flowed out was nothing like what I had planned on writing. And yet, I knew it was what I was supposed to write. So I thought I would share with you all the letter that the Holy Spirit wrote:
Dear R---,
Thank you for a lovely Thanksgiving—we
really appreciated all your hard work getting ready for it, the food,
everything. We are so glad to have family close enough to celebrate
with, and all the favorite family foods, the games, the time
together, etc. are what make the holiday special.
When we were together and talking, there were several times that past hurts came up in the conversation, especially painful memories about giving and receiving gone wrong. I am so glad that we can talk about such things, and are learning how to be honest and vulnerable and yet considerate with one another when we do. God has placed us in relationship on purpose—for better or for worse. ; ) And we know His purpose can only be good, for both of us. I thank Him for how He uses you to help me grow and learn, and I hope He will sometimes use me to further His good work in you. And I am thankful for you. For who you are--your skills, your talents, your wisdom, your energy, your attention to detail, your sense of justice, your desire to live a life pleasing to God.
Thank you for loving our family so
much! You (and J--, of course, but he can wait for his own letter ;
) expend so much time and energy and skill and money to welcome us
to your home, to celebrate the seasons and holidays and life with us,
to help out at our home, to share adventures, to help meet our
needs—all in the name of loving us. This so completely hands-on
way of practical loving is not common, and you have been a blessing
to me, D---, and the kids.
Thank you for being willing to move
forward in relationship with me, even though you still feel hurt from
past misunderstandings. I know you don't agree with that word, but
it is truth—I have never, ever knowingly disregarded your feelings
and always try to be considerate of your feelings. That is not the
same as failing completely to love you in the way you wanted to be
loved at any given moment! I have failed many times, and I will
probably hurt your feelings again in the future, so when I do hurt
you, would you please remember I never want to do so? Please extend
as much patience and grace to me as you can, and I promise to do the
same when you inadvertently hurt my feelings. God desires us to have
unity, both as sisters in Christ, and as family. If you see a way we
can grow in greater unity, please do let me know—you are my sister
and my second mother, both of which I celebrate, and I sincerely pray
for a long and fruitful and peace-filled and joyful lifetime with
you.
There are other things I want to
express, but they will have to wait for another day.
So, until then, I hope this Advent season God showers you and those you love with overwhelming abundance of love and joy, peace and goodwill.
Your daughter, in law and love,
Lisa
P.S. And I forgot to thank you in
person for the lovely birthday card you sent me. It warmed my heart,
and inspired this letter in return.
And would you believe, I meant every single word of it. I just did not know I did until I wrote it.
So, God definitely did something there. I'll share Part Two of the story tomorrow.
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