pondering justice, mercy, love, on ebay and elsewhere

So, I have had an ongoing communication with a seller on eBay today, which has me fretting a little.  Not just because it is all negative, and so unnecessary, but also because it somehow encapsulates so much other interpersonal stuff I have been dealing with the past two weeks. 

[Warning--LOTS of "processing" ahead.  If self-relective over-analysis makes you roll your eyes and zone out, now is your chance to just click on another site.  I'll never know. ; )]

[And I would not normally relay a conversation like this line by line, but I think doing so is like telling a story--the full dialogue is necessary for the points I want to come to later.]  

Scenario:  me buying Christmas presents on eBay, looking for good deals.  There are some GREAT deals on clothes out there, at least the brands I enjoy keeping an eye on.  So I see a New With Tag pair of leggings for Sunny (who has just shot up 2 inches and may not even make it through the winter in her current clothes!), in a brand I like, and they look like they will go with a lot of things we already have.  They are going for a really good price.  I bid low, and lo and behold, win the auction.  Yay!  I pay for the item, and all is well.

Until a day or so later, when I receive an email from the seller, stating:

hello,

  i  just wanted to let you know i will be refunding your money on friday.  i was unable to get these shipped to you and do apologize for the inconvenience.

happy holidays and have a great day.

 jackie

Um, ok.  A little bummed, but no big deal.  I have other clothes for Sunny, and will just keep my eyes open for another pair of similar leggings on eBay.  To be completely honest, I was a little miffed, since eBay makes it clear that if you list an item and someone bids on it that you are entering into a binding contract, which must be fulfilled.  I suspected that the seller was unhappy with the winning price (since it was so low, but I was the only bidder) and wanted to relist the leggings to try for a better price.  On the other hand, she may have had perfectly good reason for not fulfilling the transaction (maybe she realized the item was damaged or something, or maybe she runs a consignment shop and realized the item had accidentally been put out on the selling floor and sold or something), and there should be some wiggle-room on eBay for human mistakes. 

That would have been the end of it, except that every time I would go eBay for another transaction (it has been a good marketplace for my needs this Christmas!), I would see their request for feedback for that transaction.  EBay thought our transaction was still pending fulfillment.  I thought about it for several days, whether or not to leave feedback, what to say, etc.  I kept thinking about the fact that she technically violated her seller's contract with me, and my feedback should reflect that.  I think it is fair for other potential buyers to know that this happened, esp. if they are counting on their winnings as Christmas presents. 

So, I decided today to leave feedback, and be fair and honest.  When you leave feedback, you have to rate the overall transaction "positive," "negative," or "neutral."  I really weighed it, but decided to go with "negative."  I could not honestly answer either of the others.  Then in my feedback I just tried to be clear about why (you get 80 characters, which is not a lot of room): I won the bid, but then the seller said she could not fulfill.

Seemed simple enough--fair and honest. 

Until the seller emailed me via eBay:

WAS IT NECCESSARY TO LEAVE NEGATIVE?

HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU TOO.

[her caps, not mine]

Sigh.  I realize I could have just ignored it at that point, but I wanted to let her know I did not mean her any harm, and yet also stand by my opinion that, as a seller, she had earned that rating.  It was just.   And yet, it was so hard not to sound affronted in my response, since--to be completely honest--I was:

Dear r*smommy, [this is an abbreviation of her real eBay name]

Yes, it was a negative experience to bid on your item, win the item, and then have you tell me that you would not complete the transaction. I thought carefully about how to leave feedback, as it is an important tool for communicating what the transaction was like. A negative was the only possible response, if I were to leave honest feedback. The experience was neither positive, nor neutral. Bidding on your listed item affected what other items I did or did not bid on. My feedback was fair and honest, not malicious.

She responded by leaving a comment to my feedback there on eBay:

SO THAT DESERVED A NEGATIVE AFTER YOU GOT A REFUND????

And by officially requesting through eBay that I change my feedback rating. 

I was by this point really having a negative transaction, and so officially declined to change my feedback rating without hesitation, but did gladly amend my feedback to be as fair as possible(again, in 80 characters or less): Seller gave refund prior to my feedback--thanks. Overall experience negative.  

I thought that would be the end of it, but a few hours later, in my in-box:

i had the negative experience as a seller coming from a 100% feedback to get someone to not pay when the invoice clearly stated 24hrs. payment is due. you took 3 days to pay and no contact. i had no other choice but to cancel the transaction and relist the item. i was charged more fees because of lack of your communication skills.

you have the nerve to say you had the terrible experience. what a friggin joke. get a life

Ummmmmm.  Urge to be "fair" and "just" waning.  Urge to respond with reciprocal "spewmail" rising.  I went back to my emails to check.  I had received an email notice from eBay saying I had won the bid on Dec 1.  I never received an official invoice.  On Dec. 3 I received a follow-up email reminder that I had not paid for the item. I immediately paid.  On Dec. 8 the seller sent the first email in which she cancelled the transaction.  So, much of what she is claiming is just not true--there was no invoice, I paid within 2 days, etc.  What she says is certainly not fair, or kind.  She has admitted that she relisted the item, and I suspect it was after I had paid for it, so I also suspect my first instincts about her just wanting more money for it are also likely.  I am within my "rights" to leave the feedback I did, and she has no "right" to be harassing me for it.  I have been honest and just and fair and certainly do not deserve this treatment.  Harumph.

I looked at her feedback ratings, and while most of her feedback comments are positive, I saw a "neutral" rating, with the following explaination: Dishonest, "NWT", but worn a lot & smelly. Tries to sell again.Lost $$. AVOID!  I bet she had a little email exchange with this buyer too, since she commented to the feedback: this woman was the dishonest one got her money and removed the tags.  To which the buyer responded: Yes, so you can't lie it is "NWT" again. Had to waste $4 to ship this crap back!  The item in question is a designer item, typically very expensive, which leads me to believe the buyer had discriminating taste and justifyably high expectations, and was probably speaking honestly. 

So now I am thinking, see, you did not have perfect feedback ratings, that lady was really unhappy with the transaction, but was being unnecessarily nice by leaving a "neutral" feedback rating.  This just proves that you deserved the rating I gave you, and you certainly don't deserve my empathy.

Except. . . .

I looked at her profile too. 

She is a mom of at least three elementary-age kids (according to the pic she posted).  She has had about 600 sales over the course of a few years, so maybe this is a home business/side income, but she does not have an official eBay "store," and is probably not doing this full-time. She lives in Alabama.  She says her hobbies are "BEING WITH MY KIDS AND TRAVELLING AROUND TO DIFFERENT PLACES WITH THEM." [her caps, not mine]  Could she even be a stay-at-home mom, like me?  Could she even be a homeschooling SAHM, like me? 

Is she having a really bad day?  Or a bad season?  Did my "negative" rating somehow resonate with her much deeper than the simple transaction feedback would warrant?

Kinda like how her "attack" on me brought up so many feelings and thoughts about someone else in my life who is constantly "unjust" and "unfair" and "unkind" with me?   Who tells me in no  uncertain terms that I don't meet her expectations, who makes a point to be negative?

I stood by my initial feedback rating because I believed that we were rating a business transaction, and felt strongly that I should be honest and fair and just. 

Except this whole intertaction is no longer business--now it is definitely personal. 

I have choices now:  I can ignore her email and all future emails; I can respond in kind; I can respond with more honesty and justice try to reason with her; or I can respond with some things I had not previously had in mind, compassion and mercy and even love.

In other words, I feel a need to resolve this in a way that is honoring to Jesus, whom we celebrate this Christmas season.  I would welcome suggestions!

And I can't ignore how this experience today has set off ripples in my brain. . . Clearly there are things I am still learning, and more processing I want to share with you all. 

A last thought, which I can't even begin to discuss here, but which I think God wanted me to think today: 

To what extent is one's indignation/offense when one is treated unjustly/unkindly/unfairly just another manifestation of one's self-centeredness?

In other words, how does my response to being treated negatively possibly point back to my selfish desire for all things to happen just the way I want them to, and my egotistical belief that I deserve them to?

Too much to chew on for one day.  (But be warned for tomorrow. . . ; )


**UPDATE: To make matters even more interesting, I started thinking back, and did not recall seeing notice of the refund. Hmmmm. Sure enough, go to check and it sure does not look like I ever received the refund to begin with!  Sigh.  So, now it's not just a matter of figuring out how to respond with all the good stuff, now I have to follow-up on that too, which is clearly going to be so much fun!  Now it will be even harder to balance the justice with the compassion and mercy. . . .  But, I will begin by thanking her for this correspondence, which led me to find out about the missing refund. ; )