the bed update

These posts I have been making are just so completely random--but that is how my life is at the moment!  As always, there are so many things I would love to say to you all, and so little blogging/brain-fresh time, so I find myself putting on hold telling you the things that are probably most important, and instead telling you the things that are easy to say.

But I am sure there are things I was sharing at the end of last year that you would like an update on--so consider this the first in a series of random updates! 

The bed project.

So, this has been going sloooooooooowly. However, we have made progress.  We are building four connecting bunks, basically two "L" shaped beds, one on top of the other.  We are using an antique bed we found locally for some of it, just because.  We have sourced and purchased and transported all the additional wood we should need to make the beds (DH wanted hardwood because it would be more attractive and stronger. Fine with me.)   I bought the fabric and at least most of the batting we will use to upholster the sleeping platforms (in lieu of traditional mattresses we are building in padding, and then the kids will have some additional personal bedding on top).  We have finalized the overall design.  DH has prepared his work space in the carport and the wood is ready there for the working.  In fact, he's out there right now "ripping" boards to get the sizes he needs to start the actual construction.

This is all really good.

We still need to hunt down a few specialty bits, to hold certain parts of the beds together as strongly as possible, esp. where we are using the antique wood.  And while the overall design is done, we need to finalize design of some of the trickier parts, such as where piece of wood are joined and how to make sure everything is well supported (while still meeting my requirements for being attractive).  So much goes into a project before the actual building begins! Then after he cuts the pieces, I will be sanding and staining them.  And then we need to get the plywood for the sleeping platforms and I will upholster them (that part should be the easiest--just wrap and staple, no finished edges to worry about).

So, most of the work is yet to happen.  However, I am choosing not to be discouraged by that--instead, I'm just going to be patient and content do my best to help each small step of the project go as smoothly and quickly as possible.  It's zen home makeover.  It's good for my spirit, and my marriage. : )  And I want to celebrate each step completed too!  With that in mind, I finally took photos of the beds, so we have "before" shots:

The original footboard, and one of the long sidebars.  The original bed is a 3/4 size. 

The headboard.  Photos taken at night, so not the best lighting.  As you may be able to see, especially if you double click on any of the photos to enlarge them, there is a finish on the wood that the antique dealer said was a milk paint finish, and it does have charm (just needs a good cleaning). But just last night we were debating whether we should just strip the wood so we can try to stain it the same as the maple we bought for other parts of the beds (the old bed is possibly maple--or cherry. Not sure.) I dunno--one more step to the process, and a tedious and messy step at that. But we might end up with one post that we are going to have to sand down anyway, which means that area at least might need to be re-finished. . . I welcome your opinions.  I wish DH would just let me paint over the old finish and then "antique" it. . . but he is not a fan of painted wood, so said I could only do that if we first stain it and then don't like how it looks.  (And if I go to the trouble of sanding and staining all this wood, you know I'm not going to want to paint over it.)

Anyway, the new beds are underway!

And it is none too soon.  The girls have definitely outgrown the single, and while they are still sleeping well at night, they are having trouble getting settled when they first get into bed.  They are staying awake longer, which might be somewhat from getting older and needing less sleep, but might also be because they are so snug together. 

Which so far has been fine, and even adorable:

Fall, 2013

And sometimes downright hilarious:

Sleeping tangle, Winter 2013

Smiley has been sleeping in the crib, which is set up under the bunk.  He still has plenty of room, and has been content:

The old bunk bed (DH's when he was a boy) has served us well:

Reading before bed

 

Doing school (or trying to)

And bouncing on bigger siblings

And general cuddling and bonding.

We're a close-knit bunch, and I think a lot of that has to do with how we sleep.  I don't regret a bit of the closeness they have gained from the old arrangement, and we even designed the new beds to foster the same kind of fun and sharing spaces. 

But I'm still going to be so happy when the new bunks are done!

Welcome to My Kitchen--the photo tour!

 

Welcome!  Come on in!  This is what you would see of my kitchen after coming in the front door.  Of course the first thing one sees is books--lots of books.

 

 

 

But if you turn and look to your left, you'll see that the entry is also the start of the kitchen.

 

 

If you want to see any photo larger, just click on it

 

Please, walk this way.  Now you are standing in the middle of the kitchen, facing the front of the house. That is the front door off to the left, where you just came in, with my Dear Husband's vest and hat hanging there, the things he grabs when it's time to bring in more firewood.  This stand we use for the microwave is not my favorite, but it does the job, and even hides some of my bulk food storage underneath, which is helpful. It is graciously on permanent loan from DH's parents, as are the kitchen table and chairs.

 

When we first moved into this house, that is right where the fridge sat.  Old beat-up fridge right next to the front door--does that say class or what.  

 

Same view, just looking up.   The carved and turned wooden cups displayed above were made by my great-grandfather Troy Lager back in Southern Illinois.  Up there are also some pretty little turned wooden candle-stick holders--not heirlooms like the cups, but still beautiful.  I brought back all these treasures from my parents' house last summer.

 

I have to step back for a minute, to take a longer shot and help you get a feel for how the room starts all together. 

 

When we bought the bigger fridge, the only place to put it was in front of a window.  That bugs me, because we lose some light and it seems odd, but the only view from that window is the neighbor's house and bedroom window, so actually having the fridge there (and thus the curtains behind it always pulled closed) gives us more privacy.  Still, this has always in my mind been a temporary location.

 

The space next to the fridge by the window is just the right size for storing the rest of the antique wooden folding chairs, so they are ready for company.

 

It was not quite as dark in the living room as this shot would lead you to believe, but our house is pretty dim on a cloudy day like yesterday was. Still there is enough natural light for everyday living--I just turned on the lights to try to help the photos turn out.

 

 

 

For this shot I stood all the way in the living room at the foot of our bed/sofa.

 

When we first moved into this house, there was only one light in the entire kitchen-living room area--a creepy, buzzing, bad motel pull-string metal bathroom fixture over the kitchen sink.  So one of our first home improvements was putting in these lights, which I got on sale from Restoration Hardware.  My MIL proclaimed installing them was like "putting lipstick on a pig."  ; )

 

 

As you can see, most of the house is still wired with the original 1928 "knob and tube" wiring, which is actually much better wire than the stuff put into houses today!  We are slowly replacing it, and you can see where we need to finish the walls after re-wiring.  There were originally redwood valances that hung over both of the large windows and covered the curtain hardware, which we had to take down for the re-wiring.  One of these days we will put them back up, I'm sure. 

 

The one bit of beauty in my front yard--my little cottage flower garden, which you can see a glimpse of out the front kitchen window.  Someday with the fridge moved, this space could be a lovely little table nook.
 

There was a large, ugly door on that cupboard over the sink that was hinged on the right so it was obnoxious to use while cooking, so I had DH take it off years ago.  It too will be replaced someday.  Hopefully.

 

 

 

 

This photo cracks me up, because you can see that only hours after I had this kitchen as perfect as I could make it, there are already dishes back by the sink (at least mostly clean!) and stuff sitting out in use.  That yogurt container is my make-shift compost container--I'm on the hunt for something much more attractive that is worth the counter-space.

I tried a second shot with the lights off, to see if that would more accurately capture the colors of the wood and cabinets.  There is not really a corner for the trash can, so it usually lives there in front of the oven, and I just pull it out of the way whenever I need to get into the oven.  The stepladder is ugly but necessary, since most of my storage is up high. I have to move it too anytime I want to open the oven door fully.  That's ok--I use the stovetop most.

 

Why, yes, that is a gargoyle on the hutch.  Doesn't every kitchen have one? 

 

The things sitting out on these shelves probably say more about us than the rest of the kitchen (except for the fridge, when it is in full display).  Top shelf left is the family candy basket--where the excess holiday candy goes.  As hard to reach as possible. Next to it is a photo of DH and I in our Renaissance costumes, taken B.C. (Before Children).  And then comes the little pot my sister brought me back from Europe when she was studying there.  Then comes the liquor.  Finally, the tagine and platter DH and I hand carried all the way from Morocco, where we visited his sister when she was in the Peace Corps there (also B.C.). 

The best close-up I could manage.  I knew if I did not try someone would complain. ; )

 

On the middle shelf on the left is my collection of "special" loose teas (thank you for sharing from your international collection, Mom!) and my "girlfriend" tea pot and cups.

 

 

Then comes a hand-made covered dish we bought at an art fair back in Old Colorado City.  It's my only "special occasion" dish.  Then come the antique blue glass mason jars my dad gave me when they moved--which hold my everyday loose teas. 

 

All the things on the shelf used to be grouped in a manner which I found more aesthetically pleasing, but when I started to worry about earthquakes, I started to imagine the damage (and potential fire hazard) of things falling down onto the gas-burners. . . so this arrangement is not as attractive to my mind, but sets my mind to rest.

 

The bottom shelf of course has the most utilitarian objects, none of which merit description. 

 

 

 

Except for the jar of sea glass, exceptional shells, and other found treasures.  With some vibrant lichens we just brought back from Lake Tahoe on top!

 

 

 

To the right of the hutch you see the doorway to the bedroom.  With no door.

 

 

And if you look farther to the right, you see the standing cupboards that were here when we moved in, which constitute most of our in-house storage.  The missing door is to my side of the clothes closet DH and I share.  Next to it is the broom closet, and children's art supplies storage.

These cupboards are very, um, rustic, and are clearly not original to the house, which overall was well constructed, with nice details.  So one of these days I hope we will build new ones (they are not only valuable storage, but serve as a dividing wall between the kitchen and living room) and then the refrigerator will be here on the right, with the cupboards built around it.  Yes, we will lose inside storage space that way (and who knows where the vacuum will go then), but I think it is the most logical and potentially attractive place for the fridge.  

We really do have to make the most of our in-house storage, so we use the top of the cupboards too. 

 

Back to Monday night--after the ladies left, I just had to marvel at my sink cabinet, faucet, soapstone counter and sink.  I need to see them more often. ; )  I love everything about this little section of the kitchen, because this is one thing we planned and designed and made happen.  This is like a little glimpse of how cool our tiny, antique shack could be if we really put our hearts into it.  It gives me hope.

 

Thanks so much for coming by! 

 

 

 

 

Checking things off the Big List!

As happens all too often, I started writing this post on Monday. . . and now here it is Weds Thurs. . . but the good news about that is that I have not had a chance to blog about the stuff I need to do because I have actually been doing stuff!

Well, that and watching Antiques Roadshow on Netflix Instant.  (If that's not a sign of latent, desperate clinging to unproductiveness then I don't know what is.)

But still, YAY! 

I still want to share my list, and hope you will share your plans--and accomplishments!--with me too. 

But I also want to share some more stories with you all.  Because so many of the items on my latest To-Do List represent so much more meaning or emotion than the simple words could ever convey.  Some of the things on my list are/have been a very big deal to me in some way, and it feels like doing them and crossing them off will be a huge accomplishment.  Part of the fun in accomplishing will be sharing the stories with you!

For example, one of the things I just today crossed off my list was "buy bed."  Those words are so innocent--but they represent a full year of dreaming, and several months now of serious research, imagining, planning, sketching.  You see, I think we have finally decided on what kind of bunks we will be making for the kids' bedroom.  I say we, but really I mean my Dear Husband.  As some of you know by now, I am an ideas person, so I can really have fun trying to creatively solve a logistical problem set before me.  That has been the case with these bunks.  Here were the starting parameters for the beds:

--The beds have to take up as little room as possible in what is officially considered a "half-bedroom."  The size of a nice walk-in closet. This is why we could not just go buy some bunk beds and call it a day. No, these babies were destined to be custom-built from the start.
--There should be four separate sleeping spaces.
--The design has to be something we can do ourselves, with our fairly basic abilities.
--It has to be something made with materials that are easy to work with, and readily available.
--It can't be too expensive to make.
--Both DH and I have to like the plan.
--And of course, I want them to look great--and even cool. : )  Esp. I wanted them to lend some kind of vintage feel to the room, and work well with the other vintage things we have in there.

That does not sound too hard, right?

But those of you who know me, and my Dear Husband, are already rolling your eyes and chuckling.  (Susan, I'm looking at you.)  You see, we were starting from nothing.  No materials in mind, no overall look--which started out really exciting (oh, the possibilities!  We're doing this from scratch, so we can do anything we can dream up!).  But starting with nothing in mind meant I felt like I had to think through ALL the possibilities, so I make sure to pick the best one.  That was really fun at first, just going nuts imaging so many wondering possibilities, but it quickly became so frustrating for me, because my DH can't see all the Pin-worthy ideas in my head, and so it was hard to get him to see my visions, and even harder to sell him on one.  He does not outright trust my instincts and excitement on home projects, which is overall good, so I don't run with the first idea that gets me going and we together make sure it's a good idea before we invest in it--but also means I have to do a lot of work to plan an idea just to present it to him, but then if he does not like it I'm back to the drawing board.  So I have spent this whole summer gathering ideas, working through logistics, presenting the ideas to him, waiting while he processes the ideas (can take weeks), and then finally realizing he does not like the ideas, and having to start all over with new ideas.

I confess to at least one moment of despair.  But I just focused on the end goal--the beds for our kids, which they need.  Like, last year. And so I persevered and DH and I were really good about listening to the other, trying to find the things we both liked and agreed upon, etc.  The design phase has taken much more time and effort than I would have expected, but we have been good partners throughout, and I think that is ultimately more important. 

And finally. FINALLY. I think we have a starting point for our design.

During the annual Week Without Children, DH and I took advantage of our freedom to visit local salvage lots and antique stores getting ideas.  And while at one local antique store that specializes in reclaimed antique furniture and salvaged decorative house parts (Crawford's Antiques, for my local friends), I saw the bedrails from an antique rope bed.  And fell immediately in love.

This is not that same bed, but just one on eBay I found a picture of so I could show you some idea of what I'm talking about.  The long bedrails that first caught my eye look just like the 4"x4" piece with the wooden knobs running along the bottom of that headboard, but are the long pieces that would make the sides of the bed.  Immediately I starting designing in my head bunks that would use these antique bed rails. . .

And then upon inquiry, we found out the rails were part of an old wooden bed from possibly the early 1800's, from Pennsylvania.  Roughly similar to the one in the above photo, but with a much plainer headboard.  So cool.  But there went my idea, since it would be sacrilegious to cut down an antique bed to make bunk beds from it.

Or. . . not. . . ?

The next day or so, I just could not get the idea out of my head.  If we used an antique bed for our starting materials for the bunks, we would have lovely carved wooden bits to lend a wonderful vintage feel to the project, which is one thing I wanted.  And the bed the rails belong to was languishing in unlove in the "half-price" room of the antique store.  The bed itself is nifty--I love to imagine the hands that crafted such things--but not that pretty.  It was $150.  And still, nobody wanted it.  From all my Antiques Roadshow viewing recently, I can say with authority that old and really neat do not automatically mean valuable.  Also, pieces that don't fit modern ways of living don't tend to be valuable--this bed we liked was a rope bed, and a 3/4 size at that, which means nobody could use it as-is.  Most likely whoever bought it would discard those beautiful side rails and just use the headboard and footboard with a modern twin metal bedframe.  So, to be used and appreciated, somebody was probably going to have to alter it from its original state.  Why is it worse to modify it heavily than modify it a little?  The end is the same--an old bed no longer in its original state, which makes it less valuable.  But yet, it is only as valuable as it is useful!  And I figure it is more of a waste for this bed to stay intact but remain disused and unappreciated than for us to buy it and hack it apart and turn it into something that will hopefully be used for years and years.  (And might even end up a fond heirloom of its own in our family!)

I hope I reassured you of the rational thought behind this idea, and no one is upset at my initial premise.  Because either DH caught the vision, or he decided to make me happy--whatever happened, this past weekend he agreed to the idea.  Yipee!

And today I went and bought the bed!  And having bought the bed, the official process of building the beds has begun!

Now, of course that is just the first step--but I really do believe it was the hardest.  Now we have to take the bed apart and measure and figure out how to make the pieces do what I hope they will do.  But DH has the tools and ability to work with wood, and we can just go buy wood pieces to fill in all the extras we would need, which is not that expensive.  We can do it.  I'm so excited!

Another thing on the list I also need to do ASAP--research windows.  Because I am trying to convince DH that we need to put in two new windows there on the wall in the bedroom, so that a) the kids will have emergency egress from each level of bunks, and b) the bottom bunks have natural light.  He is really loathe to do it, because of all the permit mess I explained in a previous post.  But it seems like one of those things in which the benefits will greatly outweigh the negatives, so I am hoping to convince him.  But once again, I have to do a lot of research and planning and vision casting, and we'll see. . . .

So, I'll let you know as things progress.  But for now, here is the

Big List of Things I'm Getting Done:

This past weekend I:
--bought new fabric, trim, padding and tacks for re-upholstering bench in living room
--researched and ordered tool for finishing re-upholstery job on bench
--ordered Smiley's b-day gift
--set date for Happy's birthday adventure (pottery painting with her friend Mini-Rosa--thanks to my Mother for the gift certificate!)
--finished organizing large storage items under house
--reorganized book/homeschool storage under house
--went to hardware store for chalkboard paint

This week so far I have:
--cleaned items to donate to pregnancy resource center for auction, and delivered them
--made Target run to buy a couple more plastic bins for books/magazines
--bought thread needed to mend things in overflowing mending bag
--started getting classes and events on the calendar for Fall
--watched documentary for discussion (another story behind this one--more on this later!)
--bought bed (!!!)

Still need/hope to:
--research housing code for new windows with emergency egress
--research possible windows
--get other necessary materials to finish bench
--take out all excess staples on bench so it is ready for fixing & upholstery
--sort and organize homeschool cupboard
--finish organizing homeschool/books to be stored in bins under house
--prepare last boxes of plums for freezing
--clean all the sorted bins off of deck and get organized back under house
--finish putting new bedding plants into garden

Know I won't get to this week, but will soon need to:
--list and deliver more freecycle
--order bottom sheet for box springs
--put new coat of paint on school chalkboards
--figure out best way to contact friend in England for long-overdue catch-up
--find ukulele teacher for Happy for this year
--plan Sunny's pioneer birthday adventure
--make pie with Sunny from the berries she collected from the backyard all summer and froze

That's all stuff that has been in my mind, that I want to get done and get out from under.  There's one more "little" thing--cleaning the whole house top to bottom. I need to prepare for a friend staying at our house while we are away in Chico at a family reunion.  Oh, and I have less than a week to do it. ; ) 

But I'm telling myself I have plenty of time.  Before I turn my attention to a Big Clean I want to get a few more things done on this list--so we shall see what this weekend allows.

And hey--blogging about all this has been one of the things on my mental to-do list this week as well!  So, whoo-hoo!

Please do share your successes and goals with me in the comments, if you are similarly mindful of getting things done this week. : )  I would love to hear them!

Mashup of all things last weekend

I can't believe it is Friday again.  Oh, how this summer is flying by!  This week flew by particularly quickly, and so I'm just now finishing the post I started last Monday.  It's a jumble of weather, work, worries and whatnot--all the things that were part of last weekend, when my in-laws visited again.  And it's full of mental processing of what I'm learning through it all.  In other words, you have been warned. ; )

Overall the weekend went well.  The weather started out terribly and Saturday morning at the outdoor martial arts promotion the temp was in the upper 50's/lower 60's and we were shivering under fog so moisture-laden it was spitting tiny droplets.  But after a few hours, the sun burned through and the day turned beautiful--and we all got a little sunburned. Sigh.  I mention these little incidences because weather is one of those things certain people always complain about when they come visit us, as if cold fog in summer is the result of our foolish home-buying decisions, and visible signs of too much sun is a poor reflection on my ability to make wise choices for the well-being of my children.  But actually, MIL started out the weekend very well regulated, so that even the terrible weather and mild sunburns did not lead to painful conversations.  In fact, MIL was very patient and gracious with everything on Saturday, and--interpersonally speaking--we had a lovely day, all day! 

The three girls before the official event started. 

Each new black belt is escorted down to the front by a higher-ranking belt.

 

Sunny was escorted by a young man who also leads classes, and is one of her favorite instructors.

Receiving the new belt from Master Jin, the man who brought Ho Kuk Mu Sul (Korean Mixed Martial Arts) to the States.

Congratulations to the new first degree black belts!

Sunny with her two favorite instructors.

Sunny did well with her part in the black belt demonstrations, performing her sword form and leaping off of other people to break boards with kicks.  Tough little girls are so cute, and we are very proud of her.   Merry is one step behind her older sister, and will likely earn her black belt at the Winter promotions.  And then Happy is already one step behind that, so will earn hers sometime in the next couple of years.  Smiley will start martial arts sometime this next year, since he will be in kindergarten!  I can't believe it--my little guy getting so big.

random cute photo of Smiley, since we did not get any of him this past weekend. This was taken at Easter up at my in-laws'

So that was Saturday.  Sunday we went to church and it was another gorgeous day, so afterwards we went out to a restaurant on the Santa Cruz wharf and then lounged on the beach for a few minutes and then headed the scenic route home, driving as much as possible along the coast to enjoy the ocean views.  But by the time we arrived back home, when most of the afternoon was gone, MIL was starting to lose her patience.  You see, she is always conflicted when they visit us--in her mind, how can we "goof off" when there is so much work needing to  be done around our house and property?  So what we see as positive, good and even necessary family relaxation time, she sees as a waste of time.  And that starts to make her anxious, and then negative.   So MIL was a trooper on Saturday, not complaining about how we were "wasting" time, even when we lingered after the promotion event was over to play at the playground and explore a nearby creek.  But then Sunday, after we had "wasted" that whole day too, it was just too much, and after dinner when the kids were in bed and the grownups were chatting in the living room, things got negative. 

I can really understand MIL's frustration.  DH and I bought this little shack house with the intentions of fixing it up and even adding on.  In fact, we jumped right into the improvements as soon as it was officially ours, and in the first few weeks made it so much more attractive and livable.  But when we started looking into the bigger projects, and realized how expensive it is to do any remodeling in this county because of the required permits and reports, and how much of a headache it will all be because nothing about our house currently meets code, we lost momentum.  For example, permission to replace ONE interior window without enlarging or otherwise altering the wall opening is several hundred dollars, and we would be required to bring the entire wall of that window up to code, which would mean architect drawings for new framing, retroactive permits for the electrical outlets that DH and FIL have been replacing, and who knows what else.  So, suddenly replacing one window ends up costing thousands of dollars, even if we are doing the work ourselves.  (It is cheaper to install a lot of windows at once, because you can add additional windows on to the first permit for a lot less money, but that is completely unfeasible for us, given the requirement to bring the window walls up to code--essentially, that would mean rebuilding our whole little house!)  It makes me so mad, because it is clear the overzealous rules favor new construction and big budgets, and are elitist at their core.

Ok, rant over.  But I'm sure you can imagine how frustration and financial limitations could lead to despondency, and then to apathy, which is where I think my Dear Husband has remained for several years now.  We started out well after buying the house, but there was so much to do, and then that good home-improvement momentum failed, and now it has been quite a while since DH's parents have seen any real improvements to the property, and pretty much anywhere you look around the house and yard there are numerous half-completed projects, problems and eyesores begging for attention, which we seem to have just forgotten about or have resigned ourselves to live with as-is.  Like the falling-over front fence.  The gaping hole around the fireplace where the soapstone surround will be someday.  The cracked bathroom sink without a working "cold" tap.  The shoplight clamped to a curtain rod in the bedroom in lieu of a hardwired fixture.  These things we have been fine living with on temporary basis--but when temporary becomes seemingly permanent. . . it is really easy to understand why MIL has a hard time visiting without becoming upset by her surroundings.  She and FIL are can-do, hands-on people, and let me tell you, it is just about killing her that she can't do what she wants with us, and with our space, when she so desperately feels she and FIL can't keep their hands off our projects, if any of them will ever get done.

But what she forgets is that they are our projects.  And that whatever her feelings are, and however strong her desire for resolution, they actually don't matter.  She is psychologically investing herself into things that are not really her concern, and over which she really has no control.  But she has a hard time separating herself, because of course she wants the best for her kids and grandkids--which would be the opposite of what this house is--and because she believes that she and FIL are the only ones who can make the positive changes the house needs.

OK, now this is fascinating for me to be writing, because none of this is what I set out to write.  I was not going to talk about our house and projects at all, but instead the interpersonal aspects of the visit and what God is showing me through them.  But I have just realized that so much of what I just said about MIL directly translates to where I was really going.  Let's see if I can make these connections the least bit coherent. . . .

The bottom line is that we had some really good things happening interpersonally this weekend, but also some returning to old ways of relating, and old stresses.  And my MIL did a good job of letting go of some things, and being patient, and overlooking a lot. . . but then could only go so far.  Still, good for her, and thank you God! 

I think this might be the first weekend where I want to give MIL more credit for keeping the peace than I give myself.  While she did a good job Saturday of letting go of a lot, I had a harder time.  As you might have guessed from my last post before the weekend, I was doing my best to have a good attitude and expect the best of our time with family--and yet was fearful of the less-than-best.  I confess that I was anticipating negativity, and so when it did come, even if briefly, I let myself catch and dwell on it, which of course just made me all the more vulnerable to the next little bit of negativity.  In other words, I was dwelling in a too-weak heart place, and ended up being part of the problem and not the solution.  I can't be too hard on myself about this, as I know I have a bit of PTSD lingering from the worst years of our relationship and it makes me prone to fear and self-protectiveness, but I'm still disappointed.  I know in my head that God is the only One who can actually make things good, who will release me from fear, who will protect me and fill me with all the strength and love I need at any moment to do the hard work of loving fully--but I too easily slip back into that place of interpersonal cowering, distrusting, hiding.

Must remind myself--and that is ok too.  His strength is made perfect in my weakness.  And when I see how my own self-protective instincts don't actually help or  heal anything, I realize all the more how much I need Him. 

So there were a couple of moments Saturday that I allowed little bits of negativity to get to me, and I ended up disheartened and momentarily very upset, even if overall the day went well.  At the time I just tried to pretend on the outside that all was fine, but inside I was in quite a storm.  The one incident I will share with you--because it was the catalyst for God speaking to me--was really quite silly.  For the potluck after the black belt promotions, I had brought our own dishware, utensils, napkins and cups.  It just seemed wise, since there would be a chance that those assigned to bring such things would not bring enough, and I am also moving our family as much as possible towards consuming less plastic, especially single-use plastic like disposable forks and cups.  Well, everyone accepted the plates and cutlery I handed out without comment, but when it came to the cup, well, MIL just put her foot down.  She had no reason to refuse, since I had plenty of cups for everyone, and would have to wash her unused cup anyway when we got home just because it had been carried with the dirty things on the way home.  But she actually turned down the clean cup I was holding out for her, and instead went and got a disposable cup provided by someone else, a cup that then would just go in the trash.  I know she was just taking a stance against what she thinks is an extreme, insidious, liberal Environmentalism that poses as Good Stewardship.  But let's admit, it was also purposefully taking a stance against me personally.  It felt like an insult, like a rejection, just so illogical and purposeful that it made me boil. 

That was the last in a series of small negative flare-ups that morning, and was like the straw that broke the camel's back.  I tried not to show my annoyance, but I am sure MIL was watching for it, and likely picked up a hint.  Those of you who know me IRL will agree that I am pretty much an open book.  So maybe she felt she needed that small victory over me, I don't know--and maybe it helped her be more regulated and gracious the rest of the day.  All I know is that at that moment it made me so indignant I had a hard time getting over it.  But after we left the picnic area and were loading things into the car, I spewed a little of my hurt and anger to my Dear Husband--and as I spoke, I realized the Holy Spirit was nudging me to listen to myself.  And as I did so, I realized I was internalizing my MIL's choice and making it all about me.  Talk about narcissism--and self-defeating foolishness.  Why did MIL's choice to use the disposable cup have anything to do with me?  I was somehow allowing it to define me, when of course the only person it says anything about is MIL. 

Ahhhh, this seems so simple, and yet seems to be such a struggle for me, and in an instant I knew this was key to another struggle I've been asking God for insight into--my parenting.  The two interpersonal issues are intertwined, and now I just need to understand in fullness how, to then better resolve both issues.

The revelation is two-fold:
a) I am too thinned-skinned, so I take in and make part of me whatever negativity I encounter. I absorb rather than deflect.

b) I react rather than respond to interpersonal conflict.  This means I have strong knee-jerk reactions to negativity, quite possibly from a self-protective instinct.

You can see how those two things are related--how they stem from the same place in me, and how they would apply to all kinds of interpersonal relationships.  My parents will be nodding at the first one--my Mother is not one to criticize her children, but she has always told me that I am too sensitive, since I was a kid.  And I have known the second one for a couple of year now in regards to my parenting--but knowing a truth about myself is different than understanding it's full ramifications, and knowing what to do about it.   But I have never before considered how the two are connected--and now with this revelation I feel I am that much closer to freedom from the tyranny of the negative in these two facets of my life! 

Let me just remind everyone reading this--my kids are healthy, normal kids.  Likely much better behaved than many.  So what I have struggled with in my parenting of them is not what they do wrong, but how much of a hard time I have responding to it with grace instead of legalism (b), and how hard it is for me not to take their "failures" to heart as a sign of how I am failing them as a mother (a).

And now here is where the processing comes around to MIL and her unhappiness with our house, and how she is allowing herself to suffer psychologically from her lack of control over us and our house, and how our relationship suffers from her desire for complete control over us and our house.  Just swap out "me" for "MIL" and "my children and their choices" for "us and our house" and you can clearly see the parallel. 

This is not the first time I have realized just how similar my MIL and I are. 

Neither is it the first time I have learned something about myself or my parenting from my relationship with my MIL.

*Now looking over what I've written I wonder--do both a) and b) apply to my MIL as well?  Are these the same things she is doing?!  Are her verbal lashings-out her own self-protective attempts to deflect what she feels is a painful challenge to her own Selfhood?

I am just so thankful that God keeps whispering to me, that He keeps giving me ears to hear and eyes to see.   I hope He will continue to grow and shape me to be the daughter-in-law and parent that He wants me to be.

But now. . . I am still processing those two important ideas.  Since they are still new, I don't really know the fullness of how they are connected and what they ultimately mean.  But I see that understanding whatever is at the heart of those two issues will be the key to building better and stronger relationships with my children and my MIL.  And probably my Dear Husband too!  I have an inkling that the ideas are related to my earlier ponderings on the idea of my identity as Blessed, as a creature defined solely by who I am in Jesus. . . but I don't have the time or brainpower to go there yet.  I need to let the first ideas settle into me, and figure out what to do with them--then I can delve further. 

So there you have it--my imperfectly reasoned, but hopefully clearly-enough articulated thoughts for this week.  I would love to hear your thoughts, if you see some connection I have not yet mentioned, or if you have experience with any of these concepts from your own life!

And in the meantime, I hope you all have long and love-filled weekends, however you will be spending them.

Trying not to look around me with despair

Just trying to keep my humor about me, as look around my house. 

For my Mother, and those who don't get the above joke: there was a show on TLC (The Learning Channel) some years back, called "Hoarders: Buried Alive."  We have never had television, but I found it a year or so ago while looking for an instant download to watch on Netflix one day during Quiet Time.  I confess, I was immediately hooked, and over the course of several weeks watched the whole first series (mostly in 20 minute sits, which is about how long it takes me to drink my afternoon tea).   There is something so fascinating about other people's lives, and getting to peek into other people's houses to see how they live.  And of course, since the show is about hoarders, their lives are VERY messy, both literally and figuratively--which immediately makes the viewer feel so much more well adjusted.  And a much better housekeeper. 

And actually, when I saw this cartoon on facebook sometime last year, it made me laugh because it was so true.  After watching "Hoarders" I would look around my house and feel SO much better about it.  I am constantly battling too much stuff--a family of six living in a 550 sq. ft. house?  OF COURSE we always feel like we have too much stuff!  But the amazing thing is that because I am so diligent with getting stuff OUT whenever possible, we can keep taking in more and our home is still livable.  Even comfortable. (When it is picked up and everything is in its home. Which is not that often. Sigh.)  But I don't have a *problem* with too much stuff, you know?   Keeping the stuff from taking over the house is a constant battle, yes, but a battle in which I will persevere, and thus (eventually) prevail. ; )

By the way, there were two other things I really liked about the show.  One, the tone of it is so gentle and respectful of the people who have hoarding issues.  Sure, it is an intrusive reality-TV show.  But the narration is carefully done with a sympathetic, even compassionate voice-over.  The experts in the show who are brought in to help the hoarders are always so respectful and considerate of the feelings of the hoarders and their families.  People are shown in their full fraility, and the show does not shy away from devestating loss and mental illness, but it overall comes across as desiring to understand and help, not to exploit. 

The other thing I liked, which always made me cry, was that the point of the show was Restoration.  It tried to restore habitats of course, but more importantly, it tried to restore people to healthy living.  Most importantly, it always aimed to restore people in their relationships with loved ones.  Because usually the stuff surrounding the hoarders was a physical manifestation of their interior thoughts and feelings--specifically the walls they built up between them and others. 

Anyway, I realized a while ago that there was a second season of the show available on Netflix, and the other day I decided to put it on once again for Quiet Time as I had my tea and snack.  I watched a whole episode all in one sitting. But something unsettling happened--instead of leaving the viewing feeling relieved about my own home and housekeeping skills, I found myself a little panicked.  For some reason, this time I was not reassured--instead, I felt like I was seeing tiny glimpses of how the apathy and procrastination I have struggled with for the past month might have been the same for some of those hoarders, at the beginning.  Sure, I have reasons for letting the housework go--busyness, weird illnesses reoccuring, and now the usual seasonal allergies have me in their grip--but the lethargy and the excuses just keep building.  I'm hiding from the world already--I call it my annual "hibernation"--and maybe that is ok.  But maybe I need to be careful that I am not digging myself into a pit (as in "this place is a pit!") that it will be hard to get myself out of--and a psychological space that keeps me shutting the door on people outside our immediate family.

Interesting that when I sat down to make this post I did not have all these connections made in my head.  But, writing helps me process ideas. . . .

I started my Anti-Procrastination effort because I was truly serious about making some changes for the better around here--because too many things feel like they are hanging over me, undone.  But with feeling so crappy pretty much all the time now, I am starting to see more and more usual housework falling by the wayside, and too many of the things on the Big List still undone. . . . 

Found here

Ok, don't panic.  Time for some Truth.  This is just a season.  It is perfectly ok for me to hibernate for a few months a year.  It's not like I'm being a hermit--I'm leaving the house multiple times a week, occassionally seeing friends, going to church, etc.  It's just I don't feel good and am pretty brain dead all the time and don't have much energy and so don't really want to be anywhere but at home.  In my pajamas.  In front of the computer with a cup of tea, or curled up on the bed with a good book.  It is ok to admit that's what I want pretty much all the time, as long as I'm not giving into that all the time.  My family is fed, laundry is done, the groccery shopping gets done, everybody is completely on task with school, and so far the house still has walkways through the homeless stuff.

It's OK.

And it's almost time for Lent!  I love Lent, and have been anticipating it for a while now, almost relishing all the options of things I could give up.  (hmmmm--maybe this is as much a sign of the psychological weight I feel under these days from stuff.  If giving up chocolate and tea seems fun because it means two less things I'll be dealing with in a day)  I'm looking forward to it, to a time when I will purposefully strip down my daily life--at least my daily habits--to increase my awareness of God in my life. 

Hmmmm.  Could the timing of my annual hibernation be a parallel desire?  A subtle stripping down of outside things to lave more room for. . . rest?  Restoration?

But I won't be happy hibernating in a house that is constantly frustrating and rebuking me.  So maybe I'll work up the gumption to give it one last go.  I'm going to re-post the list, so I can see what I have accomplished--maybe it is better than I thought!

This is what blogging does.  Over the several hours it took to write this post (in snatches), I went from despair to optimism.  Maybe it is because writing is cathardic, or maybe it is because I got a little Perspective.  Whatever it was, I'll take it!

Ok, if any of you have Anti-Procrastination victories, please do share!  I will be happy for you!



P.S. And if you are in a grumpy mood, and want a really good laugh, you really should visit the link under the "Demotivating" image above.  I stumbled upon the site when I googled just to check my spelling of "despair."  After 5 minutes on that linked page, I was feeling much better. ; )

another update on all manner of things

 A general update.  Because I am sick and really don't have much brain power for doing much serious thinking. And because a few of you might be interested. 

It's 10:43 am, on a regular Monday school/work day. My husband is still in bed, and I'm not sure why.  When I woke and saw daylight peeking through the trees outside the window, I tried to ask him if he had missed the alarm--and he muttered something unintelligible and rolled over.  I don't know if he is sick too, or working from home or what.  It would not really matter except that the house was about 53 degrees when I got up; just a while ago the sun hit the back of the house for a good 15 minutes, so got warmer.  It's now up to a whopping 57 degrees in here!  Whoo-hoo!  It's so cold in here because DH and I went to bed early, both being completely wiped out, and the house was warm enough we did not think we needed a fire.   But this morning I could not find the ash bucket, so could not start cleaning out the fireplace for this morning's fire.  I have a feeling DH was so tired last night he left it outside somewhere.  I'm not about to go hunting for it, sick, in my pjs.  So I am bundled up--even wearing a knitted hat--and waiting for him to get up.  He's awake now, but has not spoken to anyone and is clearly still wanting to be in bed, and I really try not to be his mother, so I'm just chosing instead to be content.  It's helpful to have just finished my second cup of hot tea--at this temp. you have to drink it quickly!  And when the sun hit the house a little while ago it was shining on me and Smiley and Happy playing in the floor behind me, which felt soooooo gooood!   And I have peaceful music playing, and my children are all content. . . and I just think about how we were just reading Little House stories about it being 40 degrees below 0--that's 100 degrees colder than our coldest weather here on the Bay!!!--and how they would have thought their cabins so warm and toasty if they were 57 degrees.

In case you are wondering, we do have a small heater, but it is currently under the house. We bring it out for emergencies. ; )  Although if I went out--sick, in my pj's--to get it and plugged it in, that would surely get DH out of bed!  He hates "wasting" electricity with the heater.  ; )  But instead I'm just hoping that since it is almost 11 am that he is going to be getting up any moment now. . . .

In case you are wondering, we are perfectly warm and cozy in our beds.  I woke up when I heard Smiley coming--the pitter patter of his feet coming to by bed is my alarm clock, and this morning he and I cuddled in bed for a while, but finally had to brace the cold and get up. Because toys and tea and blogs can't wait. ; )

Happy had this cold first, starting on Friday.  Then I got it yesterday, and feel even worse today (sore throat, runny nose, aches and low fever).  Smiley got it today too, and his nose is running like a faucet this morning.  Sunny slept until after 10, and then came out to read in our bed.  She seems fine, but complained she felt like she was getting "eye sick," which we think is her way of describing migraines, which she has gotten every now and then since she was a toddler.  I wonder if she is just feeling this crud coming on, though.  Merry is still asleep in bed.

[Ah ha!  he's up at 11:02!  of course its another hour before the fireplace will be cleaned out and the fire laid and lit and burning hot enough to warm up the firebox and start the blower that really makes the house toasty. I think I'll be out doing errands before then!]

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Today is the deadline for dropping off Operation Christmas Child shoeboxes, and I have two packages I need to send, so I can't just stay here at home in my pjs all day. Again. (yes, I did yesterday, even with my FIL here again for the weekend!  But I was up all day taking care of people, cooking, overseeing the decorating and filling of the shoeboxes, etc.  But doing it all in my pj's was a compromise.   So I'd better get into the shower (so warm when you get under!  so cold when you are drying off!  why i procrastinated this morning. . . ).

But I don't have to worry about breakfast for the family this morning because last night right before bed two little pixies showed up at our door bearing a  huge pumpkin pie.  My dear Becky swung by with it--left over from the big family gathering they had just had.  : )  And another blessing yesterday was that my wonderful school liason Terry gifted us with three bags of goodies for the shoeboxes, and it was just the right amount that combined with what little I had stocked up it perfectly filled the shoeboxes and I did not have to make a run to Target for more. 

And now my Dear Husband is cleaning out the fireplace.  I'm feeling the love!

; )

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

One of the boxes I need to get to send today is the "Camilla" boots.  The weekend my in-laws were both here it was rainy and I was ready to pull them out and wear them, but when I put them on before church and started racing around (instead of the careful steps I had been taking previously so not to marr the bottoms and invalidate a return) I realized they felt a little snug on both feet, so that was that.  I am returning them, and hope all goes well with the refund. 

I also spent this past week looking at boots again online, and realized I was making it too hard on myself by trying to anticipate what other uses these boots might serve (Dawn is laughing, "Duh!") and went back and just looked at leather rain boots.  I just need to have a pair of nice waterproof boots, and if they meet other needs (like looking good with my black skirts for church) then that will be the icing on the cake.

I ordered some from Zappos to try again--including some of the same ones I tried before, but in larger sizes. 

 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Good thing we are done with our crazy school/life season for this Fall, so we can have a quiet lazy day like this.  It is still a school day, so we will still do math, and watch more of Ken Burns' "Civil War" series, and work on our current book project.  But other than that. . . I don't care.  Esp. with us all being sick.  I have a feeling the two older girls will do a lot of reading today, and since it will be "schooly" books, that's fine by me.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

And for those of you who remember my last, epic update, when my in-laws came weekend before the last, FIL and DH did not mention their plans to me, but just started digging and mucking about the septic "system."  Then FIL came back this past weekend (MIL stayed at home to help care for her mother) and he and DH mucked about some more, and supposedly the septic is repaired, with a new leach line/field.  Well, I'll be.  So I guess one could go through the county requirements, get experts to take soil samples and make reports on environmental impacts near a watershed, hire professionals to design and install a new system that would take months and months for approvals and completetion and end up costing $15-20,000. . . or one could just procrastinate until a FIL grabs a shovel and some plastic pipe and goes at it for a few days.  It is not a little embarassing at how easy that was.  Ok, borderline illegal, but still.  I completely understand why DH sat (ha!) on that project for so long.  It seemed so huge and so expensive and he had no idea where to begin.  So this week I am very thankful for experienced fathers who have been fixing things their whole lives and don't get overwhelmed easily.  And who really want to help. 

 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Ok, DH has the fire cheerily popping and sparking--still a while before it really gets going, but now I'll brave the shower.  My last child just stumbled out of bed.  And if DH is not going into work today, then maybe I can do these errands without kids and stop to get my overly-long and now looking crazy bangs cut before Thanksgiving.

See, so much to be thankful for! ; )

Hope you all can say the same this morning.

pondering stuff

Oh, if you needed a good happy cry this morning, please go read this post by Julia. 

And then go read this update by Lorraine.

I cannot think of better "stories" to read than real-life stories of people saying "yes" wholeheartedly to love.  And I cannot think of a better way to start my day than seeing the happy faces of children who will no longer be cast-offs: unloved, unwanted, unworthy.  Their lives will be forever changed for the better--and so will be the lives of their new families.  And to see a little boy who is sick, but learning even in the midst of it that he is loved, that he is protected--oh, so wonderful.

.   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .

On my own home front, I am feeling a tad overwhelmed.  In a good way.  Well, in a "still managing to tread with my head barely above the water" kind of way.  It's all of my own doing--just too many things that I want to do that my perfectionist side won't let me do differently than the most involved way.  And my Dear Husband feels the same as I do, which is the clincher, and so I need to make time for these various projects.  Like selling old clothes on eBay--good stuff of the few brands I buy for the kids that have good resale value.  Hanna Andersson, Oilily, Matilda Jane.  Most old clothes I donate to Goodwill or freecycle, depending upon their condition, but last time I went through the closet and sold the clothes of these brands on eBay, I made $300!  Not bad considering I bought them all on eBay at great prices to begin with, they were usually worn by all three girls, and then I sold them again.  So, it seems like a worthwhile investment of some time--and I would likely be done with the project now, except for our camera breaking this past summer and my husband getting a new, fancier camera that now I have to learn how to use!  So have to figure out how to use the camera.  Then steam all the clothes so they are ready to be  photographed. Then lay them out and photograph them.  Then upload those photos to the computer, resize them, and upload them to eBay.  Make the listings for each item of clothing, with detailed descriptions.  Keep the clothing items sorted neatly so they are ready to be sent out when they are bought.  Then actually do the packaging, labeling and mailing (good thing at least the post office is right down the street from me).  Whew!  That's a lot of work. . . would be so much simpler to give them to Goodwill and list them for a tax write off. . . but that's also a good chunk of money, more than we would get for the write-off. . . So here the school year is beginning, people are buying their kids clothes now, if I'm going to tell them, as both DH and I want me to do, I must get them listed quickly for ideal bidding prices. . . .

Or the bedroom lighting fixture which I need to finish researching so we can order it.  I realize most people would just run down to their local big-box store for a light, or at best go to a local lighting store.  But DH and I can't do that. First of all, we try to be really careful to get well-made stuff--we have no tolerance for crap.  Zero.  If we're going to spend money on it, it's going to work well and last a long time.  Second, we try to be really careful in choosing beautiful things for our home--things that will help elevate it from "shack" to "cottage."  There were el crappo h*me dep*t lights in here when we moved in, and they really looked horrible.  We are slowly replacing them, with things that not only hold up better to lots of use, but which improve the look of our house. The bedroom one was the most decent of any of them, but with the faux ceiling down we can't hang that style of light back up, so need something different.  Well, we figure if we are going to buy a fixture, get one we actually like.  Makes sense, right?  But then there are so many things to consider as I search:  do we want another ceiling light or try wall sconces, the right mounting and how we will hide the wires, what is a safe design for a small children's room with a low ceiling, can we use energy efficent bulbs with that design, what light will complement the overall room, where can I get the light for the best price online, etc. 

So, those are just a few examples of the good, fun projects that should benefit our family, and which DH and I want to do "the right way."  Not really big deals in themselves--but they are just two examples of many things I feel like I need to get done, and as soon as possible.

But then real life is getting in the way!  Our charter school officially started up on Monday, so we're supposed to be jumping into school.  I spent all day yesterday trying to sort out the calendar for the next two months, and being appalled at how quickly days, weeks, weekends are filling up!  I'll spend most of today doing the same kind of thing, and finishing the mountain of dirty clothes and bedding from our camping trip this past weekend.  And this week we have been trying to get in as many martial arts classes as possible for today's testing, and we have been trying to see the friends we have not seen all summer which is so fun but does take a huge chunk of time out of the week. Oh, and I would love to blog about all KINDS of stuff, but seem to only have about 15 minutes in the morning to do it, and sometimes that is even hijacked by kids' needs!

I am NOT complaining--not with the whole first world problems post still fresh in my mind, and with the daily blog-reading reminder of what's REAL and what matters, children suffering, people listening for God's call and then whole-heartedly and joyfully saying yes to being servants of Love--I am instead feeling so aware that here as I start a new school year I need to weigh these kinds of things as God would.  It's not wrong to spend time listing clothes on eBay--and maybe it's the right thing to do, to be a good steward of our material blessings.  It's not wrong to spend time finding the light fixture that will meet our needs best and be even beautiful as well as utilitarian--and maybe it's also being wise with our home improvements.  But then again, I need to manage my time and energy as God-given resources too. 

What does God want my days to look like?  When I spend too much time and effort on things that--in God's big picture--don't really matter, what does that tell me about where my values lie?  Since my husband wants me to do these things too, I am honoring him when I do them, so that's something of which God will approve.  But knowing a wife is an influence on her husband, how am I subtly encouraging our (marital, life) focus to be on things that untimately don't matter much?  How much harder is it for me to be the best mommy I can be when I am immersing myself in what I tell myself are time-sensitive projects and then get short-tempered with the kids for constantly interrupting them?  (please tell me I'm not the only one who struggles with this)  How do projects like these keep me from being the best mommy, the best home-maker, the best homeschool teacher, the best wife, the best steward? 

Feeling like I am putting regular demands on hold for a short time is ok, for good reason--but when this becomes the pattern of my days. . . !  Yet this too easily happens to me, and has been happening a lot since our bit roadtrip, as I get into huge purging  modes, or house projects. . . .

OK, those are my thoughts for this morning.  My kids have also been a MESS emotionally since the weekend camping trip.  Just when I think I am denying them the fullness of childhood by being too much of a homebody and focusing too much on school and homelife. . . we go and give them fantastic experiences, which they love, but which they seem to have trouble recovering from.  It just makes my job as a mom so much harder!  Esp. after a weekend like this past one, where I spent days getting ready for the camping, and then am spending days cleaning up the mess from it and getting everything back where it belongs.  Honestly, it makes me never want to go anywhere.  And this week, when I went out of my way to schedule playdates and fun things to make the most of this last week of summer (I love homeschooling--how else could the first official week of school be the last official week of summer?), I keep grinding my teeth at the irony of how much "reward" they are getting over and over for so much terrible behavior.  (I know, that's not the right way to look at it, but that's the way I feel about it--normally if they can't control themselves I don't let them have a playdate, for obvious reasons, but the playdates this week I set up with the specific purpose of reminding our friends that we love them and are thankful for them, so I did not want to cancel them--that would be the opposite of showing our friends how much we value them!)

Hmmmm. You know, writing this all out has really helped me get Perspective.  My children clearly are in a needy place.  My job is to patiently and lovingly guide them through this needy place back into a place of wellness, whatever that looks like.  And since I don't actually know what that is, specifically (I was trying to come up with a word to describe the psychological and emotional state I want them to be in, but was stumped. Peace? Contentment? Unity?  Confidence? Self-control?  I need a good term for this state, because it encompasses all these things, and more), I won't be able to guide my kids directly there, but I can at least walk along side them and keep them from falling into potholes.

So, I guess they are once again my main and most important project for today, for this week. (Maybe for this month! Sigh.)  But it is good to mentally realize that, and to let that knowledge settle in my spirit.  It IS productive if I am *just* a good mommy today.  It IS the right thing to have at the top of my daily "to-do" list.

Well, after blogging my parental and life wisdom angst that is.  Because clearly I needed to blog this morning to get the ideas processed!