Trying not to look around me with despair

Just trying to keep my humor about me, as look around my house. 

For my Mother, and those who don't get the above joke: there was a show on TLC (The Learning Channel) some years back, called "Hoarders: Buried Alive."  We have never had television, but I found it a year or so ago while looking for an instant download to watch on Netflix one day during Quiet Time.  I confess, I was immediately hooked, and over the course of several weeks watched the whole first series (mostly in 20 minute sits, which is about how long it takes me to drink my afternoon tea).   There is something so fascinating about other people's lives, and getting to peek into other people's houses to see how they live.  And of course, since the show is about hoarders, their lives are VERY messy, both literally and figuratively--which immediately makes the viewer feel so much more well adjusted.  And a much better housekeeper. 

And actually, when I saw this cartoon on facebook sometime last year, it made me laugh because it was so true.  After watching "Hoarders" I would look around my house and feel SO much better about it.  I am constantly battling too much stuff--a family of six living in a 550 sq. ft. house?  OF COURSE we always feel like we have too much stuff!  But the amazing thing is that because I am so diligent with getting stuff OUT whenever possible, we can keep taking in more and our home is still livable.  Even comfortable. (When it is picked up and everything is in its home. Which is not that often. Sigh.)  But I don't have a *problem* with too much stuff, you know?   Keeping the stuff from taking over the house is a constant battle, yes, but a battle in which I will persevere, and thus (eventually) prevail. ; )

By the way, there were two other things I really liked about the show.  One, the tone of it is so gentle and respectful of the people who have hoarding issues.  Sure, it is an intrusive reality-TV show.  But the narration is carefully done with a sympathetic, even compassionate voice-over.  The experts in the show who are brought in to help the hoarders are always so respectful and considerate of the feelings of the hoarders and their families.  People are shown in their full fraility, and the show does not shy away from devestating loss and mental illness, but it overall comes across as desiring to understand and help, not to exploit. 

The other thing I liked, which always made me cry, was that the point of the show was Restoration.  It tried to restore habitats of course, but more importantly, it tried to restore people to healthy living.  Most importantly, it always aimed to restore people in their relationships with loved ones.  Because usually the stuff surrounding the hoarders was a physical manifestation of their interior thoughts and feelings--specifically the walls they built up between them and others. 

Anyway, I realized a while ago that there was a second season of the show available on Netflix, and the other day I decided to put it on once again for Quiet Time as I had my tea and snack.  I watched a whole episode all in one sitting. But something unsettling happened--instead of leaving the viewing feeling relieved about my own home and housekeeping skills, I found myself a little panicked.  For some reason, this time I was not reassured--instead, I felt like I was seeing tiny glimpses of how the apathy and procrastination I have struggled with for the past month might have been the same for some of those hoarders, at the beginning.  Sure, I have reasons for letting the housework go--busyness, weird illnesses reoccuring, and now the usual seasonal allergies have me in their grip--but the lethargy and the excuses just keep building.  I'm hiding from the world already--I call it my annual "hibernation"--and maybe that is ok.  But maybe I need to be careful that I am not digging myself into a pit (as in "this place is a pit!") that it will be hard to get myself out of--and a psychological space that keeps me shutting the door on people outside our immediate family.

Interesting that when I sat down to make this post I did not have all these connections made in my head.  But, writing helps me process ideas. . . .

I started my Anti-Procrastination effort because I was truly serious about making some changes for the better around here--because too many things feel like they are hanging over me, undone.  But with feeling so crappy pretty much all the time now, I am starting to see more and more usual housework falling by the wayside, and too many of the things on the Big List still undone. . . . 

Found here

Ok, don't panic.  Time for some Truth.  This is just a season.  It is perfectly ok for me to hibernate for a few months a year.  It's not like I'm being a hermit--I'm leaving the house multiple times a week, occassionally seeing friends, going to church, etc.  It's just I don't feel good and am pretty brain dead all the time and don't have much energy and so don't really want to be anywhere but at home.  In my pajamas.  In front of the computer with a cup of tea, or curled up on the bed with a good book.  It is ok to admit that's what I want pretty much all the time, as long as I'm not giving into that all the time.  My family is fed, laundry is done, the groccery shopping gets done, everybody is completely on task with school, and so far the house still has walkways through the homeless stuff.

It's OK.

And it's almost time for Lent!  I love Lent, and have been anticipating it for a while now, almost relishing all the options of things I could give up.  (hmmmm--maybe this is as much a sign of the psychological weight I feel under these days from stuff.  If giving up chocolate and tea seems fun because it means two less things I'll be dealing with in a day)  I'm looking forward to it, to a time when I will purposefully strip down my daily life--at least my daily habits--to increase my awareness of God in my life. 

Hmmmm.  Could the timing of my annual hibernation be a parallel desire?  A subtle stripping down of outside things to lave more room for. . . rest?  Restoration?

But I won't be happy hibernating in a house that is constantly frustrating and rebuking me.  So maybe I'll work up the gumption to give it one last go.  I'm going to re-post the list, so I can see what I have accomplished--maybe it is better than I thought!

This is what blogging does.  Over the several hours it took to write this post (in snatches), I went from despair to optimism.  Maybe it is because writing is cathardic, or maybe it is because I got a little Perspective.  Whatever it was, I'll take it!

Ok, if any of you have Anti-Procrastination victories, please do share!  I will be happy for you!



P.S. And if you are in a grumpy mood, and want a really good laugh, you really should visit the link under the "Demotivating" image above.  I stumbled upon the site when I googled just to check my spelling of "despair."  After 5 minutes on that linked page, I was feeling much better. ; )

adding to my taking away

This post is way overdue, for those of you interested in/participating in Lent this year.  Because remember on my last post how I said I was giving up those two things (sweets and grain-based carbs), but would gladly add more to the list if I felt the prompting of the Holy Spirit?

Well, the very next morning, I read something my blog-friend Jessica wrote, and the H.S. didn't nudge, so much as smack me upside the head.  Jessica wrote that she was giving up sweets too--and giving up yelling at her kids.  Oooooooohhhhhh.  Yes, that is the perfect thing to give over to God, and something I have been doing all too much recently (for about a week and a half).  Well, I've been doing a little yelling--but plenty more growling and scolding and fuming and lecturing and generally being a mother who is more than likely inadvertently propagating the whole negative home environment that she is upset with her kids for (supposedly) creating.

My wonderful kids, who have been so amazing in attitude since the New Year, have now for some reason fallen back into some of the negative patterns of last Fall (ugh) and one daughter in particular is all of a sudden being so rude and disrespectful, with her mouth especially, and so self-focused that she does not seem to see how she is treating me and others in our family.  And I have been reacting instead of responding, and it is just not pretty.  Basically it's like I have been on one big pity-party, because how can my darling children treat me like this, after all I do for them, wah wah wah.  I can get over the self-righteous pity part fairly easily--but seem to struggle with what to do instead.  It's like I am having a hard time knowing what a just yet loving, grace-filled yet firm response even looks like sometimes.

Here is a prime example, of a kind of situation that happens sometimes multiple times a day with that one child:
--we need to go somewhere.
--I give the certain child a friendly heads up a few minutes in advance, since she is happily engaged in some activity.
--I usually even give her a minute or two more than I said I would.
--I tell her nicely, "Ok, it's time to stop."
--child immediately starts whining and grumbling about having to stop, and complains I am making her stop at the absolute worst place (in the book, the game, etc.).
--I cheerfully remind her she knew she had to stop in a few minutes, so she could have chosen a better place to stop.
--she continues to fuss
--I firmly but still gently remind her of our family values in how children talk to parents.
--she interrupts me to argue back that she is not doing anything disrespectful, while the whole time her facial expression, body language, and tone of voice are distinctly telling me what she really thinks of me and what I can do with my family values.
--I gently remind her of whatever Biblical principles we are working on living out this week (from verses which I have carefully selected to fit the heart issues we all seem to need to work on), such as letting our gentleness be evident to all, speaking truth, honoring parents, being wise women/girls who build up their homes. 
--she interrupts me to continue arguing and fussing.
--I get firm and say, well, it does not matter if you feel like obeying, we have to be somewhere and if you do not get going you will end up with _______ negative consequence (natural consequences, such as missing breakfast, not having work done, etc), so time to hear me and obey even if you don't feel like it.
--she argues and fusses and insinuates that I am the one causing the problem, because after all she was perfectly happy doing her activity until I came along and spoiled everything.
--now she has pushed one of my buttons--I HATE being held responsible for something that was not my choice or that I had no power over.  Seriously--makes me all wild inside.  So I snap, and start the lecture about how disrespectful she is being, how she needs to take responsibility for her own choices and choose well, how it is NOT ok for her to treat her mother like this, how she is creating a negative environment for everyone and setting a terrible example for her younger siblings. . . you get the idea. 
--at this point typically she either starts pouting or flailing around in a fit of self-centered frustration and even yelling back at me how I don't understand. . .
--at which point I am likely to yell and give her a consequence, like a time out until she can change her bad attitude and turn things around.

Yes, I know: Teenagehood, here we come.

And yes, I am sure this kind of conversation (or breakdown of one) is very common in homes of pre-adolescent girls.  But it is quickly becoming a negative pattern that is played out over and over, just with different things setting off the problem, but always the same dynamics escalating it.  I want to get a grip on it now, so we have a better way of working through these conflicts before the adolescent hormones REALLY kick in.  I know parents have all kinds of different approaches to parenting teens, but one thing I have come to believe (and other parents of teens have confirmed): the whole rebellious teen thing is real, and is likely going to be a struggle, BUT all teens don't have to talk back, be disrespectful to their parents, etc.  Parents have a lot of choice about how they deal with such issues and what expectations they set, and how they walk along with their teens through their growing and learning without letting the teens fall into poor behaviours as a way of life.

From my perspective, as the parent I need to:
--hold her accountable to the truth of her actions/choices (such as not letting her speak lies)
--help her see the likely outcomes of both the wise and the foolish choices
--remind her of our family rules and expect her to follow them
--allow her to experience the negative consequences (both natural and logical) of bad choices
--model grace even under fire
--model self-control (and how to keep control when you are getting mad)
--model forgiveness, and how to seek restoration of right relationship, even if you don't quite feel like it

(And other things I am sure I will think of later that I will wish I had written)

But the ways I have been trying to do these things just don't seem to be working--or maybe it's just that I let them all fly out the window as soon as she pushes my button.  It is just hard for me in this particular kind of conflict respond with wisdom and grace all the way--because even when I start out all patient and firm and loving and just, she just argues and fusses and will. not. stop. until I start "making her" stop by fussing and arguing louder and stronger than she is!  I need to learn a better way of handling it, so that I am truly part of the solution and not part of the problem.

So, anyone who feels like they can offer advice, please feel free!  Um, please model gentle correction, though, ok? 

ANYWAY, I did not sit down to write that whole thing, because actually the girl in question was much better yesterday, still sassing with her body language and attitude at times, still not obeying well, but overall being a pretty nice kid to be around.  So this is really not a rant, but just a spelling out of something specific I am needing to work on--and can really, happily give over to God for Lent.  Even if I still struggle, I can do my best not to lecture or scold or yell.  I want to "Let my gentleness be evident to all [for] the Lord is near" (Phillipians 4:5)  And I want to be "The wise woman [who] builds up her house" and not the foolish woman who "with her own hands tears hers down" (Proverbs 14:1).  And I want  live out "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" (Proverbs 15:1).   All the verses the girls and I are trying to live out these past two weeks--but I can't expect them to, if I don't!

Lord, take this offering of my own self-focused negative words and teach me as You see fit this Lenten season!

That's it for now.  I'll let you know how it goes. ; ) 

And now I feel compelled to wrap this up with how much I love my kids and am so blessed by them:  the other night we went to a church event with a lot of families we did not know.  It was actually one of the most fun events I have been to in a long time, and it was at this HUGE house, and DH and I pretty much let our kids have the run  of it, and they played nicely with other kids, and were overall respectful of the home and safety and the toys and things there), and they spoke nicely with the adults and they ate the food that was before them, and they smiled and didn't make messes and didn't fuss, and overall made me SO HAPPY.  Not that my happiness depends upon my kids' behavior (ok, that's another concept I'm still working on), but when you have a "large" family and homeschool, people are always looking at what your kids do and judging you.  (Ok, at least I am sensitive to this.)  And that night, our kids made us look GOOD.  ; )

Hope you are all having a good start to your week! 

1st Day of Lent--let the withdrawl and worship commence

This is the very first year I have actually looked ahead on the calendar and tried to think ahead for my participation in Lent.  The first few years I would plan on doing something, but never quite thought through that approximately 40 days before Easter means Lent would begin around the end of February.  So every time, I figured out it was Lent sometime about a week (or more!) into it, and would jump in feeling more than a little pathetic for being so late. 

Last year I found myself looking forward to Lent, but even then, I forgot to actually write down Ash Wednesday on the calendar, so it was the first day of Lent before I realized it!  But hey, there's spiritual significance even in procrastination and negligence. ; )  Here's what I wrote then:*

I love Lent. I have actually been anticipating Lent this year, knowing I sure needed a really Good reason to shake some bad habits that have been creeping upon me this past year, but not quite able to make myself start sooner. In fact, I was not even able to make myself start on time. Yesterday, Ash Wednesday, was actually the first day of Lent, but I used it to pray about what I was really supposed to be giving up ('cause as a Christian, if Lent is not about renewing the dialogue of faith between me and God, then something is wrong). . . and to gorge on chocolate, you know, in preparation for giving it up for the next 40 days. Eh, my imperfections and His grace are what this is all about, so it's ok. ; )

No, really, Lent is a human tradition, not some holy sacrament, and I actually enjoyed starting the official first day indulging in something I was "supposed" to be abstaining from as a way of reminding myself that giving these things up are my choice and the more I enjoy them, the more of a gift they are when I give them over to God. And I liked starting out "fallen," so there was no urge for self-righteousness, or the legalistic (and self-elevating) pride in deed that would make Lent about me and not about God. I mean, it is about me, and what God wants to do in me, and me stripping down and saying, "Take whatever pleases you, Lord, and just fill me with You." But the reason for the giving, the beauty in it, the trust and love and freedom through it--those are all from God, and will ultimately have nothing to do with what I do or do not do for the next 40 days.

That's pretty much where I am again.  I have really been looking forward to Lent this year, and even had it on the calendar, so I'm here and ready!

On the altar this year:

--All sweets, yes, including my beloved dark chocolate. 

--Just like last year, I am going to be avoiding carbohydrates as much as I can.  So, virtually no bread or pasta or white rice for me for the next 46 days!  I'll let myself have a little brown rice and quinoa sometimes, but mainly will rely upon veggies for my starches (like potatoes, sweet potatoes).  In fact, most of my diet will be cooked veggies, in various yummy forms.  Veggies and lot of dairy.  And the occassional foray into meat.  

From my gluten-free/ultra-low-carb Lenten experiment last year, I know it is really, really hard to go totally wheat free when I am also mostly vegetarian and--the hardest of all--when I am allergic to most raw fruits, veggies and nuts.  So, when you get those allergies into play, and realize I can't just eat an apple or carrot when I am hungry like most of you can, you understand why I am not being militant about this low-carb thing.  I am still a busy homeschool mommy, and I need some foods I can eat without a lot of preparation!  So one Lenten indulgence will be whole-grain rye crackers.  Those are fairly good for you, and are also fairly low on the glycemic index, so they will be fine for my blood sugar.  Another will be organic white cheddar popcorn--another semi-healthy quick and yummy snack that has some protein to offset the carbs. 

The goal here is to give something up that I have grown to depend upon--in this case, too many carbs--that I know are not good for me, but which I don't feel like going without.  So, giving it up as a gift to God at Lent gives me a really good reason to be purposeful and strict with myself.  Choosing to give up things that are bad for my body has spiritual significance, as our bodies are God's temple.  And since I WILL be going through withdrawl, and will want those carbs (and those easy meals!) and those sugars (farewell, peanut M&M's for breakfast) very much, I will be CONSTANTLY reminded of all manner of spiritual things, like the bounty of foods that surround me here in my home, in my groccery store, in our nation--an overflow of blessing.  Like how I am dependent upon whatever I tell myself I need--so, what do I really need?  (And what am I unconsciously elevating in status above God?)  Like how I desire to be at peace no matter what, and want to be able to say, with the Apostle Paul, "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want" (Phillipians 4:12). 

In the past, I have given up way more things, but this year I know this will be about all I can handle (and the real things I sense are altar-worthy).  But if there is more (i.e. if I get nudges in my spirit that I am just transferring my food compulsions to a different outlet), I will let it go too, willingly.  Gladly.  I am ready for my seasonal renewal! 

Anyone else celebrating Lent this year?  Let me know what you are doing in the comments!



*Those of you new to my blog, I did not grow up practicing Lent, but LOVE it--not just for the awesome right-with-God things that come out of it, but for everything it does for me. I give up good and major stuff, and so when Lent comes around, it is a game changer. In such a good way. If you want to know about why I started doing it, or what I have done in the past few years, please feel free to visit the "Labels" list on the lower right-hand sidebar, and click on "Lent."

Week of Blogging Day 1: LOVE me some Jesus

My dear readers, whomever of you have patiently hung around to see if I would ever post again! 

Let's just say, life the past several months has not been usual.  Lingering illness, glycemic issues and food experiments, crazy CRAZY school life, feeling most of the time that I am barely keeping my head above water. 

I think I am not the only one going through such a phase--Stacy, I'm thinking of you--and most of my in-town friends have been dealing with similar things. 

But it is over!!!!!  Officially as of last Saturday afternoon, and for sure this upcoming Sunday.  I have been wanting to share so many things with you all for the past couple of months, and have a handful of abandoned, half-finished posts waiting for attention, and a head and heart full of things I can't wait to tell you about.  Some silly, some beautiful, some probably stupid and writing them will be more like purging the mental cache than adding something meaningful to the world. . . but I'm not going to think about that, I'm just going to make a goal of blogging EVERY DAY for the next week.  Starting today, Weds.  Which my "neat-package" brain does not like (Monday is of course the appropriate day to begin a week of anything), BUT anyone who knows FlyLady knows Wednesday is Anti-Procrastination Day, and so thus the perfect day to start a delayed week of anything. ; )

So I'm going to jump in right where I am, and share what's in my heart and mind this morning--those old posts I will finish when I can and you all will just have to follow the jumps in time and sequence.  This is, of course, no demand.  But those of you who seem to like my ramblings, if you have some free time and a cup of your favorite hot beverage, please stop by for some girlfriend time!  There just might be some tidbit that gives you a smile or a boost. 

Oh, and I want you all to know that I pray for you!  My dear readers--family, friends, blog-friends, regulars, lurkers--I find myself thinking about you all at various times of the week (usually in the shower, or washing dishes, for some reason, and when I can't sleep at night), and I pray for you.  And sometimes I learn one of you have been praying for me--thank you!  By all means, let's spread the love!

And that's what I have to write about this morning.  Several of you have asked if I ever got to have Teatime with Jesus.  Yes, I did, (English breakfast with milk and a huge dark chocolate caramel pecan turtle. Oh, yes.) and it was lovely.  Totally heart there with Him, savoring every moment.  The Lented wrap-up is one of the things I want to write about in a separate post, but let me just say that it left me completely hungry for God, for Jesus, for the Holy Spirit.  I just can't get enough of Him in all His Triune glory this week, and BOY is that a welcome feeling!  I don't know about you all, but this has been a fairly dry year--longer?  can't remember--and while God has been active and present in my life throughout, I have been meh about Him (I am being ashamedly honest here, folks).  I have not longed for His word.  I have not been interested in musical worship much.  I have somehow stopped reading the Bible with my kids (used to be a breakfast ritual for years, even if not daily) and we stopped memorizing new verses.  I have been praying, but often rotely.  Somehow I let the daily experience of God fall out of our lives, and I am thinking I see fallout from that in myself and in my family life. 

How did it happen?  When did it happen?  I am not sure, but the notable thing is that this dry spell has been oddly comfortable.  Comfortably dusty and, yes, numb.  Like when I wrote about thinking that sitting down had become a problem for me, so I was going to try to remedy it through Lent--sitting feels really good.  Really comfortable.  Sure, I'm stiff when I get up, but that's ok, because it will feel fine when I sit down again soon.  Sure, I wish I was not out of breath after just walking 20 feet briskly, but I'll catch my breath once I sit down.  Sure, my body kind of even wants to move, but that urge will pass once I sit down again.  Lethargy begets more lethargy. 

And there are even legitimate reasons for the lethargy--but at some point, I still have to make a choice to break it, no matter how hard it seems.  And of course, as soon as I do, the body might be a little less mobile than usual, and the muscles get tired and sore faster, but the next day when I listen to my body, its aches tell me. . . that felt great.  let's do more.  The urge to sit diminishes.  And so, if I am disciplined, using energy leads to more energy, and soon I am back to feeling right with my physical self.

The spiritual life is no different.  I don't know how or why I started spiritually sitting down all the time, but I am sure there was legitimate reason--these last few months of overwhelming unusualness make it understandable.  But still, regrettable.  Do any of you remember that old poem, "The Difference," which I just posted?  That pretty much sums up what has happened, I assume.  The days are full, the nights are short, there are always things to do, or ways to escape from them even though I shouldn't, and my time with God is the first thing squeezed out of the day.  Which turns into a week.  Which turns into a life pattern.

So Hallelujah that spell has been broken!  Just like I am moving more, and longing to move more, so my spirit is wide open with aching for God, and wanting to experience more God, in all His Persons.

And I'm feeling good*.

This morning I got everybody taken care of, sat down with my tea and breakfast, and started reading the updates from the blogs on my sidebar.  One of the blogs introduced me to a new one, and when I opened the blog page, it started to play music.  Now, honestly, I don't like it when I get music thrust at me from blogs. I usually don't have my speakers on anyway, but when I do, I turn the sound down while I read.  It's just distracting, even if the music is good.  For some strange Reason this morning, the speakers were already on, and I did not turn the music down.  I started reading, and was moved by a scary story about her 5-year-old daughter having a seizure and turning blue the other day, when she was home alone with five little ones--it turned out ok--and then suddenly the music was speaking to me, and my thankfullness swelled along with it, and I literally almost choked on a mouthful of tea, and had to put down the mug and stand up and dance, tears streaming (so like me), arms raised high (so not like me):

You opened my eyes to your wonders anew
You captured my heart with this love
Because nothing on Earth is as beautiful as you (Jesus)
You opened my eyes to your wonders anew
You captured my heart with this love
Because nothing on Earth is as beautiful as you.

from Beautiful One,** by Jeremy Camp


Song I hear at church, never before caught my attention much--look how the words match my experience this week!  Oh, my dear readers, I can't wait to share some of the back story, some of the things going on recently that have led my heart to be so open, so ready to hear and see and feel again!

So, until tomorrow, may all of you who seek Him today find Him in all His beauty!
With an overflowing of love,

blessed



*Go, listen.  turn up the sound and turn off the image, and listen to the words, the emotion.  This is me this week!  Whoo-hoo!!!!!! 

**Then go, listen.  This is God, always.  WHOO-HOO!!!! 

Teatime with Jesus--TBD

What are the odds--this is the second year in a row that I gave up sweets, esp. my precious dark chocolate, for Lent (among other things), and then end up sick at Easter so just when I can eat it, I don't at all want to.

Wah!

Teatime with Jesus will just have to wait.

But I did plan ahead, and when I do feel good enough to indulge I have dark chocolate pecan carmel turtles and dark chocolate covered orange peel.  mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

(There are other things I want to share with you all about the Lent experience this year, but they too will have to wait.  The mental queue of posts is already too long. . . )

Hope you all had a wonderful Easter! 

Ist day of Lent (a day late)

I love Lent.  I have actually been anticipating Lent this year, knowing I sure needed a really Good reason to shake some bad habits that have been creeping upon me this past year, but not quite able to make myself start sooner.  In fact, I was not even able to make myself start on time.  Yesterday, Ash Wednesday, was actually the first day of Lent, but I used it to pray about what I was really supposed to be giving up ('cause as a Christian, if Lent is not about renewing the dialogue of faith between me and God, then something is wrong). . . and to gorge on chocolate, you know, in preparation for giving it up for the next 40 days.  Eh, my imperfections and His grace are what this is all about, so it's ok.  ; ) 

No, really, Lent is a human tradition, not some holy sacrament, and I actually enjoyed starting the official first day indulging in something I was "supposed" to be abstaining from as a way of reminding myself that giving these things up are my choice and the more I enjoy them, the more of a gift they are when I give them over to God.  And I liked starting out "fallen," so there was no urge for self-righteousness, or the legalistic (and self-elevating) pride in deed that would make Lent about me and not about God.  I mean, it is about me, and what God wants to do in me, and me stripping down and saying, "Take whatever pleases you, Lord, and just fill me with You."  But the reason for the giving, the beauty in it, the trust and love and freedom through it--those are all from God, and will ultimately have nothing to do with what I do or do not do for the next 40 days. 

Some of you have been reading my blog for a while, and might remember my Lenten journey of the past few years.  You might then be wondering why I am blogging, since that has been one of the things I have been needing to give up the past 2 years.  Turns out, this year I don't sense that blogging is in any way a heart issue for me--in fact, I have been terrible about blogging since the end of last year, and would really like to get back into it!  So, blogging does not have a hold on me at the moment, nor does blog reading (which is good, since God keeps showing me things through the blogs I am reading, and encouraging me through them, even with what I read today!) so I am not giving those up.  (Yay!)

What am I giving up?  (I.e. what do I think has a negative hold on me--on my spirit, my psyche, my time use?):

--Computer use does not feel like a problem, but sitting down does.  (So hard to retrain the body after months of sickness/inertia). So I am going to limit my time sitting down, and even try to add purposeful aerobic movement into my days.

--Tea is not a problem for me this year, and in fact has not been tasting as good for a couple of months. Hmmmm. So I might choose to abstain just to refresh my taste buds, but it won't be technically given up.  But I am still going to give up my sweets, yes, even my chocolate.  I am finding myself using desserts in place of actual food (which I hope to write more about later), and am definitely turning to chocolate to make me feel good. 

--And actually, I am going to try to eliminate not only sugars (other than fruits) from my daily eating, but also most carbohydrates.  I have not written about this yet (so look for that post for all the whys and details, if you are interested), but about a month ago I decided to try going gluten free in my diet.  That started out pretty well, and I felt like my blood sugar was stabilizing a little better, but after listening to my body and nudges of my brain, I am going a step further and go for a time with as few carbs as possible (without going crazy).  Since I am not excited about this, Lent is the perfect time to make the experiment--I'll have more reason to stick with the experiment, and a definite ending point, when I can evaluate any benefits. 

--Ok, confession time.  I bite my fingernails.  I have since I was a girl.  It's some kind of self-soothing thing, and I tend to do it most when I am reading or watching movies, my two favorite escapes.  Since college I have been able to go for long periods of time with neat, unbitten nails, when I had reason--I had nice nails when I got married, and when I started teaching college courses, and when my first baby was born.  But I also noticed that I would start to bite them at times of stress, and when I was in grad school I bit them off again every semester during finals.  But at least I grew them out again afterwards. 

The same thing has happened time and time again since being a mom out here in CA--only I notice I bite them more when DH and I are having marital stress, or when we have been around his parents.  ; ) I kept things at least sensible for years and years, but over the past year (maybe only 6 months) I have noticed that I am biting them more and more.  To the point of pain.  To the point of having fingers sore for days afterwards that affect my housework, everything.  They are now as short as they were in high school, which says a lot.  I don't bite them to hurt myself, so in that sense I disagree that nail-biting should fall into the same category of self-mutilation as "cutting"--in fact, it rarely hurts while I am biting them, and only later (like when I plunge my hands into the hot dishwater) do I feel the literal sting of remorse.  And if I do feel a sting while I am biting, I immediately stop--pain is not soothing to me!  But a few minutes later I'll find myself doing it again, on a different finger.  Most of the time I start nibbling without even being aware of what I am doing.   I have recognized for at least several months that I need to get this bad habit under control, but have not seemed to be able to stop.

So, no surprises that this seems like an excellent habit to give over to the One who is stronger than me!  This time it is going to be hard to stop, since it has become so ingrained.  I've already caught myself doing it several times today.  But I know this will be a Good thing, and trust completely that God will help me do it.  Looking forward to that!

If you know me In Real Life, please don't ask me how breaking the habit is going.  It is too embarassing.  Just pretend you never read this.  But when Lent is over, I hope I can post a pic of my hands for you all! ; )

--Lastly, not not leastly, oh no--I am going to make myself get out of bed at 7:00 each morning so I have time with God before the kids wake up around 7:30.  (If that seems like sleeping in to you, well, don't leave unkind comments about it--DH and I have not been going to bed at a decent hour for what feels like years, so this is a big deal for me, ok?) It was soooooooo painful this morning, as I inexpliably only got about 5 hours of broken sleep last night.  But, as I said before, that's what makes it a gift to God--that there is some sacrifice involved.  I had to start the day fully confessing to Him that I did not want to do it, but that I love Him more than I love sleep, and I completely trust that He will provide me with all the strength and patience and whatever other good stuff I need to make it through this day with grace.   I mean, I probably need to do this every day, since my failings as a mommy mostly come from trying to do it all on my own power, and with my own agenda in mind--so starting out Lent (one day late) like this was probably a really good thing. 

Anyone who wants to know more about why I do Lent, I added a category for it in the "Labels" section on the sidebar.   And anyone who wants to join me in this 40 day adventure, welcome!  It is seriously one of my favorite times of the year--nothing but positive.  I would love to hear your Lenten stories too!

  

Teatime with Jesus and other Lenten stories

my cup runneth over. . . image from samovarlife.com*

Sorry for the lacklusting posting so far. . . this illness is not all that bad, but is lingering and sapping all my already meager energy and will to do much of anything. Oh, and did I mention the state of my already meager brain cells? But I have started several posts now, so will draw upon my hallelujah-the-kids-are-playing-happily-out-in-the-fresh-air-after-4-days-of-rain-better-make-the-most-of-it burst of energy and try to finish one. The most logical one to start out with. . . so please forgive my borderline coherence, it is all I can manage!)

Lent was, as always, a really good spiritual exercise.

I firmly believe that everybody in the whole world should practice it: giving up something (or things) that has become entrenched in our lives, maybe a good thing that we are doing out of habit and not enjoyment anymore, or a bad thing that we need to see how much we are depending upon. I have some of both, and that is why I give up so much for Lent--I have to strip down, spiritually, to be renewed.

So this year to the list of giving ups I added two of my favorite pleasures, which serve as daily mood bandaids and mini escapes from whatever household chaos is surging around me: tea and blogs/blogging. They were added to the list of my usual give ups: sweets, movies, all pleasure reading except the Bible and books about the life of the spirit.

And it was really good. Not only did I need that break from habits, but I needed to do without so I could reevaluate the role these things have in my daily life, and why. I told myself I was allowed to still use the internet, just not blog. But of course I soon found myself escaping into an even more attractive and potentially dangerous escape: etsy. So right about the time I was feeling convicted that I needed to just stay off the computer during the day, or at least limit my usage more, or at least not visit etsy, or at least--you see how the backpedaling goes when we are resisting what we know is wise!--it seems God had the same idea. And our computer decided to break and so I was cut off cold turkey! I ended up only being allowed to check email once a day--and nothing else, since I was borrowing D's government owned security cleared work laptop and could not endanger national security (or, more to the point, his job) by browsing crochet shrugs handmade in Turkey or a People slideshow of "Can You Believe She Dated Him?"
No, really--I think it truly was Providential and I completely fess up that while I was bummed, I also was relieved because I knew I was being legalistic and was observing the letter of the law (no blogs, blogging) but not the spirit of it (mindless computer use when I should be more fully engaged with my family, my responsibilities, my God) and thusly the temptation was taken from me.

Thanks, God.

I also struggled with the no sweets thing at first. I kept finding myself in situations where there would be something borderline sweet--like homemade pumpkin bread--in front of me, and I would be actually hungry, and I would sit there debating whether or not it was ok for me to eat it, if I was violating my promise to God by doing so. But I feel like God gave me clarity, and humility for my weakness, and I decided early on that if the sweet was actual food then it was fine. My real give-up was sacred sweets--those favorite delectibles that I hoard from the children and eat only when I am escaping with a good book or blogs. . . dark chocolate covered caramels. . . Marianne's bitter chocolate ice cream. . . Trader Joe's mint semi-sweet chocolate chips. . . . So while it would have been healthier to give up all sugar but fruit, which is what I did last year, this year I just stayed away from true desserts--ice cream, candy, and of course dark chocolate.

And the exercise of going without sweets was truly a spiritual, if sometimes humorous one. One of the first days of Lent I had made Ghiradelli dark chocolate brownies--which you then spread natural peanut butter on, ohhhhhhhhhmmmmmm (wiping drool) where was I--for our monthly Old School Monday gathering over in Santa Cruz and I was pleased with myself for not having any, and not having any of the homemade cookies another mom brought, and was timing everything so that we would get home just in time to eat lunch before I completely crashed from low blood sugar, when I arrived home to discover I had left my purse all the way back at church. Ugh. So I grabbed a cheese stick and filled my travel mug with milk, hoping that would get me back to church and home again, but as I was driving on the highway back to SC I realized my hands were shaking and the dairy was not getting into the bloodsteam fast enough. . . and I looked over to the passenger seat where the brownies were sitting, all warm in the sunshine, with the peanut butter jar open because I had given the girls some on their brownies way back when we first left the church parking lot. . . and I asked God what He wanted me to do, and I felt like He chuckled and gently chided me, "Child, look what I have provided for you at this moment. By all means, eat." So I did, and I made sure to enjoy it too. And it was a really good moment of feeling in tune with God my Father, of whom Jesus said,

"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" (Matthew 7:9-11)

Immediately my mind was off of my own feeble and potentially self-righteous efforts (look how good I am being to not eat those brownies) and back onto the loving God (who is truly the font of all good things).

In a similar way, the one time I ate two homemade chocolate chip cookies because I was low blood sugar and they were the food in front of me, I remembering feeling in tune with God and mentally telling the cookie as I ate it and enjoyed it, "You are yummy, but you have no power over me."

And after talking post-Lent celebration stories with Rosa, I was inspired to plan my first indulgence of tea and chocolate after Lent as a purposeful, spiritual moment: Teatime with Jesus. What better way to end the giving up to God then to share the re-discovery with Him?

Well, that did not work out quite like I had envisioned, since I got sick Easter Sunday and had no taste for either tea or sweets. But this past Sunday I at least was feeling good enough to make some decent tea and have some dark chocolate covered pistacio toffee I had bought just for Teatime with Jesus--and as I ate it, I found myself thinking, "This is good, but nothing as good as You, God."

So I guess on that count my Lenten giving up did exactly what it was supposed to do--give me a little space in my daily world for purposefully connecting with God.



Those of you who practiced Lent this year, I hope it went well for you. Those of you who didn't--well, I encourage you to try it next year! It is not a religious thing as much as a spiritual thing, and even Atheists have a life of the spirit to nurture and grow. (I'm talking to you, Desiree, if you are reading--you were RIGHT to try Lent this year and I'll be right along side you next year, sister, if you are game for another go!) I have already decided to do it all over again next year--and who knows what else will have to go by then?



*and the article that accompanied the pic, about what chocolates and teas go well together, is a yummy read too. . .

Lent: release and receive

I mentioned yesterday that a lot of bloggers I "follow" made New Year's Resolutions this year; it was inspiring to read their original goals, and has been encouraging to hear their updates on how those resolutions are playing out in real life.

Well, interestingly enough, some of those same bloggers are also participating in Lent this year. This is something like my third or fourth year of participating in Lent, although last year did not work out as well in practice as in theory. I learned an important lesson--that the core of Lent really does have to be giving up, taking away, in order to open up a new, purposeful space in our lives in which we can engage with God in a new, meaningful way.

And so I was planning to this year "do" Lent the way I had in the past, by giving up (completely, none of this you can do it on Sunday compromise) the things that I don't need, and which I too easily--routinely!--turn to for comfort and escape:
*sweets
*pleasure reading
*movies

And this year I am feeling I need to up the ante--and give over to God the two things that I look forward to most in my day, and which thus have the post potential for being benign addictions, and distractions from righteous living:
* tea
*blogging

Yes, you heard me. I am not going to indulge in any dark chocolate, Marco Polo, or Cake Wrecks until after Easter.

And you know what? I am not at all sad about it--I am actually looking forward to it. I will miss all those things, and expect the first week without to find me walking around restlessly, distractedly, as jittery as an addict in withdrawl. But when that week is over, I think I will feel strong of spirit and clear of mind, and will find myself more productive and creative in the kitchen (good for my goals!), and will be looking at my children in the face more, and hopefully feeling more in tune with myself, my family, and God.

That is what I love about Lent--in my mind there is nothing negative about it, only potential for more experience, more growth, more wisdom, more love.

Now, I am starting Lent a little late this year, as I had not actually marked its beginning on my calendar and so did not realize it had arrived until Scottish Twins blogged about it Weds. night (and her reasoning for the season is worth reading). So I gave up everything but blogging Friday, and made a point Friday and Saturday of wrapping up and publishing all the posts I had been working on, so I could completely let it go for the rest of the 40 days. So that explaines the sudden glut of postings, and why you will not see any more until after Easter.

I will not be checking my comments--oh, that will be hard!--but please still say anything you want to say to any of the posts I made this weekend. I will be reading your comments with eagerness and savor after Easter, and will so gladly respond to them then. : )

I also will not be reading other people's blogs. But again, I will look forward to catching up with your lives after Easter (in fact, the hardest part about this giving up will be the restrained getting back). In the meantime, may you each have a really good, healthy, affirming, life-embracing Lent, however you choose to practice it--or not.

God, moving

Today I went to downtown Santa Cruz to be a docent for the annual Good Friday/Easter outdoor art exhibit on the Stations of the Cross, put on by Vintage Faith Church. I took E, my 7 month old, because I had to, and took G, my 8 year old, to be my helper. The docents walk around the art installations and look after the art (and one station is always focused on hospitality, so they offer free coffee, tea, cocoa, and water to passer-byers) and are available to answer questions or engage in conversation with the people who might stop and look.

The location for the art exhibit is always the same, smack dab in the middle of the action downtown, in front of the famous O'Neills's surf shop (for you out of towners, he is the man who invented the wetsuit). The art is usually good, and challenges people to consider the meaning of Jesus Christ in a personal, active way--so a lot of it is interactive or tactile, or somehow tries to get people to engage with the idea of Easter and Christ's death in a tangible way. One exhibit today had lots of little glass jars filled with bubble solution and encouraged people to blow bubbles, which I thought was a great way to get us thinking about breath (as in Jesus takes his last) and life and joy. My favorite piece a couple years ago was giant felted cupped hands, white and soft and so lifelike in shape and the artist encouraged people to touch them and there were all these great conflicting mental images of the soft felt and imagining hard nails piercing them, and of God holding us tenderly in His hands, so warm and protected, and of us stroking, almost in apology and guilt and relief, Jesus's healed hands when he arose from the death he suffered on our behalf.

(one big run-on sentence--perfectly mirrors my jumbled emotional/intellectual response!)

Anyway, I have been a docent once before, and today I was reminded of how these events so far have been a beautiful reminder of how present and active God is in the world, in my life, in the lives of the non-Christian strangers who happen to pass through our lives for a few moments--and how God will use us for His purposes if we are willing.

The last time I was a docent, I remember getting there and looking at all the cool, artsy people from Vintage Faith who looked so right, so comfortable in that setting. I felt very uncool (you know I am in no way hip) and out of place and wondered what the heck I was doing there. I was serving at the hospitality station and so started just speaking out to the people walking by, offering them hot beverages, as it was a cold, overcast day. Some people stopped, more just smiled and walked on, even more looked at me as if I was a freak or looked right through me as if I was not even there. One Middle-Eastern looking man and woman walking by responded to my offer hesitantly, as if they were just being polite. The wife went over to get some coffee, and I struck up further conversation with the husband by asking if he was Iranian, since he reminded me of someone I once worked for. He very surprisedly and suspiciously said he was. I enthusiastically volunteered what little Farsi (the native tongue of the Persians) I remembered from my interactions with Iranians at that job, and he was then surprised and pleased. I had baby B with me that year, in the stroller as E was today, and the Iranian couple fussed over her a bit, and we had a nice conversation until the wife was done with her drink and they left my station, stopping to consider the art along the way.

They lived in San Jose, and had just come down to Santa Cruz for the day. Here I was, feeling all out of place, wondering what I had to offer. But how many of those hip artist types could have spoken to these Muslim Iranians in their native tongue? I felt like God directly answered the insecure questions that had been nagging me inside, and showed me He could use anyone He wanted, however He wanted.

They just had to show up.

So there I am today, with the same thoughts running through my head. Not as many artsy cool people being docents this year, more people who look like me or who I know well. (Not that you are not artsy, Rosa, (hmmmm, maybe more "etsy") and you are way cool, but you are not intimidating in the least, esp. with that big friendly baby belly!) But still thinking, what am I doing here? Why did I volunteer? And then about halfway through my two-hour shift, my blood sugar started to crash and I went over to a nearby bagel shop for food. I was estatic to see they carried pumpernickel bagels, which I have not seen since my days at Lox, Stock & Bagel in my hometown in h.s. Topped that with a garlic herb cream cheese and tomato--yum! And then, for some strange reason, as I ordered, I paused and told them to give me two bagel sandwiches and not just one. I did not know why, I just thought, well, someone will eat it. I also got a Coke and apple juice for G and a muffin to share with her.

Back at the exhibit, I started wolfing down one half of one bagel sandwich, but noticed someone standing for a while in front of the particular art installation to which I had been assigned. So I went over and we talked for a few minutes. When I said goodbye and headed back to my bags of food, which was sitting on the edge of a concrete planter, I saw a young woman going through them. Now, you out of towners should know that there are lots of young homeless people hanging around downtown, usually begging. I quickly headed over and nicely said, "Oh, that's my lunch." She sincerely apologized, saying she had asked the people standing by if the food was theirs and no one had claimed it. I said that was no problem, but was she hungry? She nicely said, "Yes, I am." And I, reaching into the bag, could say honestly and happily, "Well, this one is for you!" and give her the second bagel sandwich. I told her I did not know why I even got it, except that I knew it was someone's. And that someone was her.

I even asked her, worried for a moment, if she liked pumpernickel, since not everyone does. She said she did. Later I thought that was silly of me--as if she would have turned down any food if she was genuinely hungry. And yet, maybe it was not such a silly instinct--maybe it conveyed to her that I cared and was not just giving it to her out of embarassment or guilt.

Shortly after the young woman had walked away, another young woman came up to me. I did not know her, but she might have been someone from Vintage Faith--nose rings and tatoos being prevelent in our church body--or she might have just been someone checking out the art. She said she had seen the entire thing, and basically just wanted to tell me how much she was glad at how it ended up. I told her what I told the other young woman, that I don't know what made me get the sandwich, but it was meant for her, and I was just happy to have had it for her.

So once again, God put me in just the place where he wanted me, for one encounter with one person who needed to feel the touch of a loving God. And maybe the encounter touched not just the homeless woman, but also the woman who had watched, and who knows whom else?

Just because I showed up, and waited for God to move, and then followed along.

But of course later, in the car on the way home, as I finally opened that Coke, I realized I did not even really want it, and don't know why I got it--so it must have been for her too! Darn it!

I'm sorry, homeless girl, for drinking your Coke. May you feel the love of God, who sent his Son to die for you that Good Friday so long ago, and who cares that you were hungry today.

Better than chocolate

It is the season of Lent again. All I really know about Lent is that it is a 40 day period of fasting in anticipation of the celebration of Easter, when Jesus Christ arose from the tomb, victor over sin and death. I know it is traditionally practiced by Roman Catholics, and probably some other more "high church" Christian denominations. I don't know more because I did not grow up observing it, and my casual web search brought up pages that only confused me more--I guess there have historically been a lot of different ways and times to "do" Lent, and it seems to mean different things to different groups.

So I guess all I wanted to share here was what it means to me. I started observing Lent a few years back, knowing just the very basic premise of it: that it is a period of time to fast, to set aside our own fleshly desires, in order that we may be self-reflective about our relationship with God and approach Easter morning with renewed hearts and minds. It is a time for repenting of whatever we have been using to fill us up instead of the Holy Spirit. It is a time for saying to God, all I really need is you. All I enjoy comes from Your hands. You are richer and more satisfying than anything else. Look, I give up for You my favorite earthly pleasure, to show you that I love You more than I love it. That I need You more than I need it. That I desire You more than I desire it.

It is also a great time for me to reflect on how I might be living unwisely with my time, my energies, my tastes, my body, my thoughts, etc. And I confess that I am easily obsessive compulsive about whatever is exciting or soothing me at any period of time. So about once a year a time of reflection and purging of bad habits is a really good spiritual exercise. In the past I have given up not just one thing for Lent, but several things together. Two years ago it was:

--sugar (specifically chocolate and Cokes)

--pleasure reading (magazines, books, etc--of course the Bible was allowed ; )

--movies

--eBay (esp. Oilily clothes for the girls)

I had become O/C about all of them, I felt, and it was time to make myself break any psychological dependency. And it was really enlightening that year, because I discovered the hardest one of all of those to do without was eBay! I never would have expected that, and did not realize I had become addicted. Oh, and addicted I was! What started out as a practical chore (finding cute clothes for G, who needed them) and turned into a hobby (what cute clothes! what else is out there?) had taken a hold on me, in an ugly way. During Lent that year I walked around in withdrawl, with fidgety hands and a vague feeling I was needing something, and would find myself start to sit down at the computer, or telling myself "you need that Coke." The 40 day fast was so important that year, and helped me see my whole spiritual being (body, mind, spirit and will) in a new way, a way that helped me see my need for continual renewal through Christ.

I even had a theme song for Lent that year: "Ice Cream," by Sarah McLachlan ; )

Your love is better than ice cream
better than anything else that I've tried
and your love is better than ice cream
everyone here knows how to fight

and it's a long way down
it's a long way down
it's a long way down to the place
where we started from

Your love is better than chocolate
better than anything else that I've tried
oh love is better than chocolate
everyone here knows how to cry

it's a long way down
it's a long way down
it's a long way down to the place
where we started from...

So, yesterday I realized it was Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent. But I am unprepared! I had not thought through what I should fast of this year, what I need to give up. I do not get on eBay much anymore, I have been abstaining from Coke for a while already, I am not really obsessive about anything at the moment. (In fact, this blog, which has a potentially dangerous lure, is so far not a problem simply because I know it will be read by good friends--and I was actually embarassed last week when I made three posts in one day, as if I was telegraphing to you all "I should not have been on the computer this long today!" And multiple postings also seem egoistic--I fear I try your patience already, as I am anything but concise.)

So I spent a lot of time thinking yesterday, and asking God to show me what He wanted me to give to Him this year. And interestingly, the things that seemed to immediately jump to mind were not taking aways, but addings. For example, I have become a chronic nail-bitter again (which I have been off and on my entire life) and I have often wondered about how my periods of nail biting might reflect something happening inside me, some lacking, some subconscious battle of self (of unrecognized sin?)--of something literally eating away at me. So I will be making a conscious effort to break the habit once again, but instead of focusing on the without (the biting) the gift to God is really the with (the hands restored to the glory He intends). And isn't that a satisfying reminder of the whole purpose of Lent, anyway?

The other things I will ADD:

--daily Scripture readings with the girls

--more speaking my husband's love language
--a healthy, holy mouth
--a thankful heart (put in practice by daily countings of blessings)

The word "add" brought the fragment of a verse from Scripture to mind, so I looked it up, and was delighted to discover that Jesus, in Matthew Chapter 6, addresses the very spirit behind Lent, at least for me:

When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrits do, for they disfigure their faces to show men they are fasting. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. . . .

Do not store up for yourself treasures on earth where moth and rust destroy, and where theives break in and steal. But store up for yourself treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. . . .

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? . . .

But seek first His kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

or, in the King James Version: "All these things will be added unto you."

Happy Lent, everyone!

image from daily mail online