Dear R---,
When I sat down to write that last
letter to you, I actually intended to write about gift giving and
receiving, but was completely surprised to find that the Holy Spirit
had other plans! So I filled that first letter with the things that
must have been needing said the most—how important you are to me.
But now Christmas is fast approaching,
so I need to now write the things I meant to in the first letter, so
hopefully whatever giving we do this Christmas is done freely and
without any lingering of hurt from years past. I'm not intending
this to be a list of gift ideas, but more a step towards our better
understanding of one another.
You love to give gifts—and giving
gifts is one way you show love to us. I love to give too. So it is
sadly ironic that gift-giving seems to have become a language of
“unlove” between you and I, that becomes like a gap between us,
relationally. I have been thinking about this for some time,
wondering how we can bridge that gap, how we can each learn new ways
of giving and receiving gifts that the other will understand as love.
Here I'll try to share some of the specific ways I have thought of
that I most feel loved when receiving gifts. I would very much
hearing yours in return, sometime when you have had a chance to think
through what most matters to you, and how you most feel loved when
giving and receiving gifts.
Idea #1—I feel loved when I
receive a gift that is exactly what I wanted and needed.
You have been so thoughtful in past
years, R---, taking me shopping so I could pick out things that fit
my wardrobe needs, asking for specific lists, or telling me to go
pick out the one I like (like the leather coat). I don't have room
to keep things that don't fit my needs, so it is so great to be able
to choose the items that I know we can get the most use and pleasure
out of. Gift certificates are always a good fit too—a C*stco gift
card may not be glamorous, but would sure be used and appreciated. ;
)
Idea #2—I feel loved when I
receive a gift that shows the giver cares about what is important to
me.
There are life values you and I
sometimes chat about when we are together, things that I am working
on to improve my family's health and build our faithfulness as good
stewards, like trying to eat more raw foods, trying to buy things
made in the USA, trying to avoid plastic, trying to buy fair trade.
When you give me a gift that directly reflects those conversations,
that shows you listen to my values and cares and encourages my desire
to be a better homemaker, steward, consumer, etc.--like the VitaMix,
or toys for the kids made of wood--I feel loved, and you and I often
have the chance to grow closer by focusing on beliefs and values we
have in common.
Idea #3—I feel loved when I
receive a gift that blesses others.
You have said many times that we don't
need anything, that the kids in Arun's orphanage should remind us of
how little we need, and how much we should appreciate what we have.
So true! Remembering those less fortunate while gift-giving and
receiving helps keep the focus of Christmas on Christ, Love
Incarnate. For me, personally, any gift you want to give in my name
to an orphanage or Christ-serving charity is a fabulous gift! It's
like I get to share in the joy of the gift-giving, and the pleasure
of receiving, all at once! What's not to love?
Idea #4—I feel loved when I
receive a gift that honors the nature of my unique home.
We have received many good gifts from
you over the years—things that beautify our living space, or are
useful, or which we wear all the time, or which provide enjoyment for
our family. You have given a lot of thoughtful gifts, gifts that
showed love and care, and that encouraged creativity and brought us
pleasure. We have been so blessed, in so many ways, and you and
J--'s generosity is one clear source. We are just now starting to
feel the squeeze of material goods in our little house, and that is
not necessarily a bad thing, since it reflects the abundance of our
blessings. But it does mean we can't continue to bring in material
goods at the same pace as we have in past years, which is also not a
nad thing, since we have very few real needs, now we have the perfect
opportunity to try to make gift-giving and receiving more simple,
heartfelt, and less focused on material things. So now I find that
any gift that does not require me to get even more creative with our
storage space is an extra blessing! Food treats, art supplies,
family adventures, classes—all things you have given us in the
past—I appreciate more and more these days. And sometimes the
non-material gifts can be the most helpful, too; for example, this
Fall we did not have as much school funding to spread around, and so
there were fun things we could not do, like the Mad M*lecule science
parties, that would be a fantastic grandparent gift—same with a
gift certificate to L-----' Academy of Martial Arts (the school does
not cover the testing fees, which get higher as your child
advances!).
Idea #5--I feel loved when I receive
a gift that does not add one more thing to my “to do” list.
I am in a season of life where I feel
like my energy, my free time, my mental abilities, all seem to be
pretty full up. (I have a feeling you might say the same thing!) I
only have so many resources, and they are pretty well accounted for
at the moment. So gifts that don't require regular maintenance or
special treatment or learning new skills are also blessings.
Idea #6—I feel loved when I
receive a gift with no strings attached (other than gift wrapping!).
There are lots of really good things
out there in the world, beautiful things, practical things, desirable
things—but even if they are really good things, they may not be the
right things for me. The gift may have been thoughtful, meaningful,
good—exactly the kind of gift I love to receive. But it still
might sometimes not work out, or be the blessing the giver intended,
and if such a situation happens, I want to hold onto and cherish the
giver, and the thought and the meaning and the
good, but not have to hold onto the thing. A gift that
is given freely, without strings, is really love for me.
So, those are the ideas that I could
pinpoint as I sat down to really think through and process the whole
idea of giving and receiving as a language of love, or sometimes
unlove. You and I have been learning and growing so much together,
even in the past year, and I am sure we will figure out how to
“speak” one another's gift languages. I care immensely about
your feelings in this area, and never want you to feel unappreciated
or unloved ever again in how you and I give and receive gifts between
our families and one another. I want gifts to be fun and
relationship-building, and want to hear your thoughts and feelings
about how you are best loved through gift giving and receiving. I
want to give you gifts that will show you love in the ways you
interpret it. Most of all, I want to learn to give and receive in
ways that honor Jesus, not just at Christmastime, but all the time.
With all this said, if you don't feel
like giving me any gifts at all this year, I don't blame you. ; )
It's not like you owe me anything, or have not already given me so
much, or like I deserve anything. There is one gift I would like to
ask from you, though. It's that you accept this letter, and the one
that came before, as a sign of my commitment to loving you long-term,
in all the beautiful and best ways God has in store.
With lots of love,
Lisa
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