4 generations at our house last Fall: Baby E, his Daddy, his Opa, and his Great-Grandma (Oma's mother)
This past weekend we spent up at D's parents in Chico, to help celebrate his Grandma's 90th birthday! She is a wonderful, spry old lady who has always been nothing but nice to me. We were glad to go up (5 hour drive) and it was nice to see two of D's 3 cousins and their families--lovely people. We all partied at a local Chinese restaurant for Grandma's B-day lunch, later on we had an early Christmas gift exchange, since we were all gathered. It was a fine weekend.
Except for one thing, which weighed on me over the weekend. Overall D's mom, "Oma," continued her amazing effort of being positive and overlooking so many of our faults while we were staying with them. But first thing Sat morning she made a point of telling D and me that we had ruined Christmas for her, forever, because of how we did not graciously receive gifts from her in the past.
This whole topic is one I really want to visit in this blog, because it is important, and is something I am still trying to process--but I will wait until next week, because this week I want to focus on the Good, True, Right and Lovely, the Excellent and Praiseworthy. I want to get my heart ready for Christmas!
So let me say now that Oma's feelings are valid, and I can honestly see why she feels as she does, and confess that I have in the past wronged her and inadvertently rejected her efforts to show us love. Even so, we are not responsible for her feelings--she will have to work through them and chose to move on in relationship with us however she sees fit. We cannot ruin Christmas for her--she can chose to believe that, but it does not make it true. I am praying she realizes this, and is able to forgive us and move on. Truly, I ache for her when I consider things from her perspective--she sees that we have purposefully hurt her a lot over the years, and really and truly has to forgive a lot of us. Our being innocent of any intent to ever hurt her does not lessen the reality of the hurt she feels. We have not done anything wrong--but that does not change that she believes we have, on purpose, and is hurting from it.
So what does love look like, in this case? How do we respond to that information--that she believes we are responsible for ruining Christmas for her forever--and move forward to help heal those wounds, with love?
We had an opportunity, she would say, this week. Way back when we saw D's parents for Thanksgiving weekend, Oma came up with an idea that started off sounding quite possible: we would drive up for Grandma's b-day and stay until Monday. Then D and I would drive back home, since he has to work this short week, but leave the three girls up there in Chico with his parents. Of course baby E would come back home with us. Then Thursday, Christmas Eve, when D gets off of work we would drive back up to Chico and spend Christmas weekend at his parents' home.
D and I were considering that as Option A for a couple of weeks. But then I had such a rough couple of weeks with the kids here at home, and I was really feeling disconnected with them, and with D who was working a lot. So the thought of not getting any time for just our little family unit to be together, celebrating our love and enjoying one another in the spirit of Christmas was such a bummer.* I started to wallow in some serious melancholy. We normally spend Christmas with D's family, so that was not the issue. But usually we spend the weekend before Christmas doing our own special family celebrations (which of course this year we spent in Chico for Grandma's b-day) and so it seemed like we were losing the chance to have any kind of special family time at all this year, just when I thought we needed it the most.
There were lots of other more practical factors involved in making the decision of whether or not to leave the girls up in Chico this week and go back Christmas Eve. Things like how we already celebrated Christmas with everyone in D's family this past weekend, except his parents; the cost and wear (on the car and us) of driving so much in a week's time; like the thought of arriving at 2 in the morning Christmas day (which is what happened this past weekend, since we could not leave until D could get home from work) and then being too tired to be fully present (no pun intended!) for the day's activities; like the fact that the girls would be babysat by other relations during the days because Oma would be working. . . Option A was no longer looking like the most logical one.
Ultimately, the only reason to go with Option A was to please Oma. So we knew that if we decided differently, we might be upsetting and hurting her one more time. Of course we didn't want to do that, esp. right before Christmas, and so I thought maybe we should make Option A one of our Christmas gifts to Oma. Of any gift we could give her, that one would definitely be self-sacrificial, given out of a true desire to show love, and would be what she really wanted for Christmas. It would be a gift truly worthy of honoring Christ on the day we celebrate his birth.
And yet, that is not what we decided to do. My husband, I think ultimately as a gift to me, finally decided we would go with Option C. (Option B was a compromise--doing A but then coming home the day after Christmas so we could squeeze in a little family time.) I was glad that we would get to have that special family time I cherish, and yet sorry we could not give Oma what she wanted too. So all this past weekend up in Chico, I was feeling a little bad about our decision, esp. when Oma mentioned several times how she really wanted us to leave the girls. When we said goodbye yesterday afternoon, she politely let us know she was feeling wronged and hurt, and it was sad to drive away knowing this time we did purposefully chose our family over her feelings.
So I was struggling a little last night and this morning with conflicting thoughts and feelings--are we being selfish? Are we unloving? Did we choose poorly? Will feelings of guilt hinder our enjoyment of our family celebration?
But then this morning, as I thought about our plans for today, I started thinking of my friend with stage-four cancer, the one who I will be taking dinner to tonight (hopefully it will turn out much better than it did last time!). I thought about how it is easy to forget what a serious thing her condition is, how it is possible that the chemotherapy may not work, that the cancer may not go away, that any Christmas could be her last with her family. Seriously, we never know what the future holds, for any of us.
And I thought to myself, "If I were to die soon, what would I regret?" The very first thing that popped into my mind was that I would regret not having been more patient and gentle with the girls. Alrighty then--instant decision for more regret-free mommying in the future.**
And then the very next thing that popped into my mind: I would NOT regret choosing to spend this Christmas with my family, here in our home. On the contrary, if something devastating were to happen to our family this year, I would be forever glad we did.
And so, that is that--no guilt, no regrets. The questions in my heart still remain, about how to continue to build our relationship with Oma and how to be purposefully loving and gracious and selfless in the future, and I guess we will just muddle through those landmine-studded fields as we get to them. But for now, I know this choice for this week reflects a desire for greater love this Christmas, and not less. And I will not have any regrets about that.
*Just to clarify, when we are with D's parents things are usually so busy that we don't get to spend time with each other, or the kids. A whole day can go by without me connecting with my children at all, even if we have been in the same places all day! So that is why celebrating Christmas at D's parents' house is fun, but not exactly a family bonding time.
**And let's just say, it was good that I had that realization this morning, since they have already been challenging it quite a bit, as they are doing that whole re-entry yucky behavior thing. again. but it has been much easier than usual to be patient and gentle. Thank you, Lord, for this morning insight, for helping me at break of day.
I am so glad you came away with the conclusion you have no regrets!
ReplyDeleteI want to point out, however, that Oma may be trying to emotioanlly blackmail you more than she really believes you have ruined Christmas for her. Step bakc a minute and look at it. How insane is it, really, to think that somethn you may have hurt her feelings about years ago RUINED her CHRISTMAS forever. I think she wants you to think this and she wants you to feel guilty but I truly don't believe she deep downs believes this! She triumphs when she can manage to successfully deliver a little stab to you. As you become more imperviousm she becomes more pointed. You are right, that she is the one who needs to forgive but I am just not so sure this isn't just another way for her to try to control with guilt.
By the way - I am discovering that for me, Christmas is, to some extent "ruined forever". The loss of Nathan, the painful memories of that last Christmas, cause me to find far less joy and Christmas spirit than I used to have. So - feel free to tell her next time, "you know, my friend Susan says that Christmas for her has been ruined forever too, only it was the death of her son, not hurt feelings that caused it."
Way to go, Susan! I totally agree with you on Oma's reasons for sharing her feelings, and Lisa, while you are a wonderful person to be understanding and loving to her, you also need to stand your ground and do what is best for you and your family. She has done far worse to you over the years than you would ever dream of doing to her, and if this is all she has to complain about then she needs to thank her lucky stars. I've been saying for years that I hope she realises what a wonderful daughter-in-law she has, because the rest of us would have told her where to go (a certain really hot place) a looooong time ago!!
ReplyDeleteThere are so many families out there who have dealt with, or are dealing with, real heartbreak over Christmas: the death of a loved one, a serious illness, the loss of a job or house, a soldier's deployment. One of the girls at E's school just lost her father. I realise that this is how she feels, but I feel it is demeaning to those who have suffered loss to have something as trivial as lack of appreciation of a gift being put in the same category of "ruining Christmas". Maybe she needs to volunteer at at homeless shelter or a soup kitchen to get a little perspective.
By the way, Chris says Doug made a good choice. He also says he would tell Oma to kiss a certain body part.;)
I feel the love. ; ) (from Sara and mom too--thanks for your supporting comments via phone and email)
ReplyDeleteNo seriously, Susan and Rebecca, thank you for your encouragement and perspective. Yes, I agree that it is most likely manipulation, but I will have to think, Susan, about your idea that she may not even really think that. At this point I think she really does feel like we are to blame for ruining Christmas for her, and I really do feel sad for her, and know I will be required to make amends somehow, not by her but by God, just because that is what God calls us to do--build bridges, not burn them.
In fact, you both have a unique insight just because you--like other old friends and the rest of my family--were there with me at the beginning of this relationship, and you know how things have been for our entire marriage. BUT surely then you can also appreciate the amazing restraint and patience she is showing us (esp. me), which I do not want to take lightly either.
I hope I came across as nothing but respectful in my writing, though--I really do not want to make this blog a forum for gossip, so try to only write what I could say to the person's face. So actually, while I was writing I wished I could say all this to Oma--well, maybe I can rewrite it and email it. We shall see.
Susan, I can see completely what you mean by really having Christmas "ruined" forever and am so so so sorry. I wondered if you felt that way. And yet, you may not always feel that way--is it wrong of me to hope that someday there will be a reconcilliation between pain and loss and joy and peace? Reading the blog of "Joel's Journey" makes me think there might be. . .
*Mwah* to both of you, sister-friends.
I love the pics. We will continue to love you and support you. You are a lovely person, and I know God will guide you as you continue to build bridges. Mrs. C is indeed lucky to have you for a daughter-in-law even if she doesn't realize it. I am thankful to have you for a daughter.
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