the origin of First Christmas

Before I jump into the history of First Christmas for anyone interested, I want to say that this year's Christmas celebration with my husband's parents was the best we have ever had.  MIL was so gracious and really bent herself backwards being as loving and accommodating as possible.  LOVE reigned.  I would love to share more later--but I just wanted to get that straight up front.  This post delves back into our painful family past--and I wanted to start out with the beautiful, positive now to offset it. : )
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Our family tradition of "First Christmas" began years and years ago, about eight years into our marriage. When my Dear Husband and I first married, we lived in Colorado, in the same town his parents lived in.  So for the first five years of our marriage, just because of the close proximity, DH and I spent every. single. holiday with his parents (except for one or two visits to IL and my family). Even Valentine's Day. Oh, and most Sundays too. This was all happening, too, during the absolute worst parts of our relationship with his parents. I can't begin to explain why at this moment, because the reasons are so complex, but MIL was chronically unhappy with us, and made sure we knew it, and DH just wanted to do whatever she wanted (like most everybody else did) to keep the peace, and I was always a little mouse tiptoeing around trying my best not to be offensive but of course was all the more offensive for that, and DH and I muddled and flailed through that period.  It was ugly, and sin-saturated, and felt hopeless and was so painful to live through.  And because we lived in the same town, it was unrelenting. And it flavored every. single. holiday.

But it was actually ok, too; because we lived in the same town, we were never staying in their house, so any holiday we could celebrate with DH's parents but then later go and celebrate privately together in our own home, our own way.  One celebration was for sharing with family, at which we laid our own feelings and wishes aside to be as respectful and accommodating as possible.  And one was for just us, at which we could relax into emotional safety and enjoy greater personal meaning.  

Then DH's parents decided it was time to sell their house in CO and move back to MIL's hometown in northern California, so they could settle down once and for all and be ready to care for her parents, who were starting to need more help in their old age. I confess, I was glad. To be honest, it felt like DH and I could finally start building our life together. Life suddenly became so much easier, and less stressful. We still saw DH's folks a couple times a year, but it was so much easier to force on the smile and jump through hoops for a week-long visit than to live like that chronically. We had done a complete reversal, and instead of being immersed in the family dynamics, we now only stepped into that world about 4 times in 2 years, and that was fine by me.

But then the little software start-up DH worked for went belly-up, as so many did that year of the Dot Com bust, and so he ended up looking for work for 4 months, then getting a 6-month position, then being unemployed again for 5 months, and then finally--thankfully--getting a job.  (The same job he has now.)

And out of the whole United States, God chose to bring us to California. Only 5 hours away from DH's parents.

And there was no question about God's plan in that--He knew I was all too happy just faking my way through interactions with DH's parents, spending as little time and investing as little emotion into the relationship as possible. Sure, there were legitimate reasons for why I was doing so, mainly self-protective, but they did not please God. So, I know that is one reason he brought us here, where we would HAVE to be back in more routine relationship with DH's parents, just far enough away to have our own lives but close enough so that we would see them frequently.

I wanted to stay put. God wanted me to follow.

I wanted to be emotionally safe. God wanted me to be vulnerable.

I wanted to get comfortable. God wanted me to get busy learning and loving and growing.

I wanted to keep a difficult relationship as far removed as possible. God wanted to use that relationship to do His good work in me--and in other people too.

I wanted to go about my own life. God wanted me to acknowledge the only life worth living is in Him, and it is not safe and it is not comfortable, but He has promised to be my protector and my Champion, and I can trust His lead.

SO, we moved to beautiful Monterey Bay the day after Christmas that year, and it was a terrible experience, and definitely a Christmas without Christ for me, mainly because of chronic exhaustion (DH was already at his new job in CA and so I packed up our house while being a single working mom of a 2 year old and being 7 months pregnant) and major stresses with DH's parents, who had come out from CA to help us with the move.

The next Christmas, our first after getting settled there in CA, we of course spent with DH's family.  God has already been whispering His plan to me, so I knew I needed to start actually engaging with my in-laws at the holidays, and so we just went gung-ho to DH's folks to have Christmas.  I don't remember exactly how things went, but know it was alternately pleasant and painful, fun and fearful, meaningful and maddening.  But mostly characterized less by any focus on Christ and more by us walking on eggshells the entire time, trying not to set off any landmines--and always failing. (I can speak with assurance because that's how our holidays would be for many years to come.)  We had become resigned to such holidays when we were young marrieds and just had ourselves to get through--but now we had two little kids, and the unhealthy family dynamics were all the more exposed for what they were. (They were little enough that they did not notice any negativity, but just their presence alone put things in greater perspective for me.)

In my newfound idealism I had even tried to share some of my own Christmas traditions with DH's family--bringing my grandma's sweet potato recipe to Christmas dinner, adding my gum-drop tree to the dessert table--but they were clearly not welcome.  (Looking back, how naive was that!--everybody likes their own nostalgic traditions, and MIL is no different, so why would she want my foreign ways and foods encroaching?  I might feel the exact same way. ; ) So, it was an OK Christmas, and a fine way to start our new life in relationship.  But I confess my heart had a hard time celebrating.

So the next year, when we once again were preparing to having Christmas with DH's parents, there was a moment when I had a sudden, despairing vision of all our future Christmasses with DH's parents, and it always being slightly stressful, and somewhat foreign to our spirits, and our children never knowing any traditions that were from my side of the family, or foods that were special to my childhood, or even ever hearing the Christmas story read from the Bible on Christmas Day--and I broke down and bawled.  DH was so sweet, and utterly brilliant.  After listening to my lament, he simply said, "Well, why don't we have our own Christmas then?"  I sniffed and blinked and asked, "What do you mean?"  And he responded with the idea of having our own Christmas celebration before we went to Chico to be with DH's family.  At first I did not like that idea, because it seemed wrong--Christmas only comes once a year, everybody knows that!  You can't have two Christmasses.  Santa can't come twice!  But to all my objections, DH would simply ask, "Why not?"

And so our First Christmas tradition was birthed.  And it turned out SO good.  We did everything we wanted--I made the foods my family used to eat, we got the kids dressed up and took pictures, we read the Scripture about Christ's birth, we watched Christmas specials.  It was so relaxing and fun and embodied everything I ever wanted in a Christmas.  And then I discovered that having our private Christmas first prepared my heart for the family Christmas!  With my heart full of Christmas already, I was completely at peace about doing whatever my husband's family wanted to do, and was so much more engaged with the activities and ready to build relationships in honor of Jesus.  First Christmas completely saved me from years of building resentment and feelings of loss and depression. 

And we have continued to have First Christmas every year since.  Sometimes our First Christmas comes second, as it did this year--we just plan it for whatever Saturday before Christmas or immediately after makes the most sense.  Sometimes we even have it on a different day of the week, and DH takes off work.  Over the years it has gotten simpler, and we have started some new traditions as a family for it, but there are several elements that will always be the same:  we spend the whole day together, we are not in a rush to do anything, we try to make Jesus the focus, we just enjoy one another, and we do whatever is special to us.  Oh, and I keep my expectations low. : )

I love First Christmas!  Even when it comes Second.  And we had a great day yesterday. 

First Christmas, second

credit: George Takei on facebook

Good morning, and Merry Second Christmas to you all!

Or, to be more accurate, Merry First Christmas, Second!

I don't think I have ever told you all the full story of our family First Christmas tradition.  I started to write it out this morning, but am out of time.  The kids have been finishing up some last-minute Christmas poems and hand-made gifts in the bedroom, but it sounds like they will be coming out any minute.  They will come and jump on the bed where DH is still trying to get a few last winks--since he and I managed to stay up till two a.m two nights in a row and are completely exhausted.  The first late night was driving back from spending Christmas with DH's family--we stayed late to have as much time for the cousins to play together as possible, so arrived home around midnight, and by the time we had the fire going and things settled for the night it was the wee hours of the morning.  Last night it was not starting to stuff stockings and finish wrapping gifts until we were sure the kids were all asleep, which was around 11:30!  So, once again, we finished our tasks in the wee hours. 

Yes, we do stockings this morning!  And gifts from us to our kids, and we open the presents that have come from family afar.  I love our First Christmas tradition--and here come the kids, so more later!

Have a great Saturday, however YOU spend it! : )

You Can't Lose Christmas.

Just saying hi.  I look back at that last post, and think of all the things I had really wanted to write about, ideas to share about how I am choosing to make this holiday season more purposefully focused on what Matters.  And then I sigh.  Because somehow this holiday season has completely run away from me.  In fact, I don't even really have time to blog now, but we are getting ready to head "over the river and through the woods" and could not bear the thought of not wishing all of you Merry Christmas at least!

I'm also going to leave you with a blog post that has meant a LOT to me over the past couple of weeks.  I have been so busy, and stressed, and there was a period when my kids were acting horrible to me (that's over, thank the Lord!) and I was grumpy and getting blue that I felt like we were missing out on what Christmas is all about--and my mind would keep going back to the title alone, and I would immediately feel better.

You STILL can't lose Christmas, Ralphie.

Of course I don't necessarily take the idea the same as Christine, who is writing about living life fully with kids "from the hard places," but I take it with my own gloominess, too-high expectations, and desire to parent always out of love and compassion.  No matter how my kids treat me, they can't lose Christmas.  No matter how bummed I might be feeling that moment, I can't lose Christmas.  Christmas is Christ With Us.  You CAN'T lose that.  It is available to everybody, no matter what. 

And then the idea became helpful too after the national tragedy of two Fridays ago.   No matter what evil may be happening in the world, we can't lose Christmas.  In fact, the evil in the world is exactly why we need Christmas. 

So, whatever might be stressing you, or upsetting you, or depressing you, my dear Reader--

YOU can't lose Christmas.

Merry Christ-mas to each of you!  May God bless you and yours the rest of this season!

attempting to have more thoughtful Christmas Pt 1.

This year I am doing a Jesse Tree Advent activitiy with my kids.  Or, I should say, will be doing it, as soon as I make it happen.  I had heard about it before, but just really understood what it was this year, and found a great guide that I printed out and will use every day from now until Christmas for our morning devotions.  We will make a (quick construction paper) display on the fridge that looks (even remotely) like a Christmas tree, and every day each child will get a turn drawing/coloring a small paper "ornament" that has the symbol for that day's devotional, which we will stick on the "tree."  I am not having my family hand-make real ornaments for the real tree, as some families do, because a) that raises the bar of time involvement and forethought, and I think if I try to make this is a bigger deal it just won't happen, and b) we won't get the tree up until this weekend when we go to cut it down, and I think if I wait to start until after then, it just won't happen. 

Now, even though I'm starting behind--and you all know how much I hate feeling behind on any project--its fine.  So much better to jump in a little late than never do it. 

So yesterday I started talking with the kids about the idea of the Jesse tree and we read a whole chapter from Isaiah.  (And then before we could do the activity part, some friends came by and then it was off to music and then martial arts testing and then I had a phone meeting and then it was bedtime. Sigh.)  Today I am putting the decoration of the fridge part on our homeschool list (ok, technically it was up there already two days this week) and will make it a priority.  It helps that I have four kids, so if they each make one "ornament" and I make one--we are good!  And we will read more of the scripture at breakfast. . . and probably at lunch. . . and maybe at dinner. . . and then again at bedtime. . . and while that is not the ideal way to do it, we will (hopefully!) be all caught up by tomorrow and can do the rest of the morning devotionals on schedule.  Or maybe we won't be all caught up.  But we will at some point read through all the scripture, and at some point will finish the art part, and this is why I don't try to be one of those blogger moms with amazing photographs of her charming children and their precious art projects--because my goal is not to impress anyone, or even to have precious art, but just to try to get our focus on the things that really matter.  And right now, even if I do it imperfectly, getting our hearts and minds focused on Jesus is what matters.

More (hopefully!) on this theme--a more throughful Christmas--tomorrow!

best of facebook 12/4

Attributed to "I love being a mom" on facebook.

 

 

Rainy Saturday

Just another little update. Of various random things.  With random pictures!

Smiley in dress-up glasses.  They make him look years older!

It is pouring down rain.  Heavenly bathtubs upended.  I sit here typing in my little tiny house, with the rain thundering on the roof above us--with no insulation, no attic space, just the full force of nature on the other side of those boards and ancient layers of tar shingles, we hear every drop, and during a full downpour it can be so loud you have to raise your voice to be heard.  In fact, that ancient roof is one of the things the house inspectors laughed at when we bought the house--whoever put on the "new" roof so many years ago just slapped new roofing on top of the old, and it buckles in places, and has moss growing inbetween the layers, and when we moved in the home inspectors said it would need to be replaced right away.  Well, around here if it ain't broke, we don't fix it. (Ok, and sometimes even when it is broke.)  That ugly, non-conforming roof is holding tight, and when the rain is coming down in sheets outside my windows, and pounding above my head, doing its best to hammer its way into our little shelter, I marvel at how snug and good our little house is.  I think I feel most blessed when the weight of a winter rain storm is upon us and yet here we sit, secure, dry, warm.  This little unconventional house is taking better care of us than we take care of it.  Those who don't like its humble nature have forgotten to be thankful for safe shelter--but the rain drumming on my ceiling reminds me of the blessing of a good roof.

Another blessing during the rain--good dry, warm feet!  My late birthday present from my Dear Husband and my dear Becky was a day shopping up in a nice retail area in San Jose on Tuesday. It was a wet day, and I wore my new boots all day, and was so cozy!

That day Becky brought her two girls to leave with ours, and then she and I headed "over the hill" while DH worked from home and oversaw a little bit of homeschool and a whole lot of dress-up.  We ate yummy, healthy food for lunch, and then did our best to spend money, but were thwarted almost every step of the way.  Seriously--last year when we did this I found some wonderful neo-Victorian pieces in the stories; this year there was NOTHING.  Both Becky and I did find a couple of tops at H&M, of all places, but I can't even show them to you because it appears their online offerings are not the same as in the stores.  But they were two basic striped tops, one thin striped black & cream long sleeved, one thick striped black & blue 3/4 sleeve.  I have been looking for a striped top to layer under things since last year, so that was a fun find.  And H&M is very cheap, so that was good too. But hours of shopping produced no other clothes!  I think eBay will continue to be my personal shopping "mall" of choice.

I did find one thing during our shopping, however, that immediately made me look cuter than when I walked into the store, which is one of my criteria for new clothes:

This adorable scarf!  It goes with everything, and esp. looked so cute with my new boots, and so I decided it would be my one splurge of the day.  : )  I wore it out of the store, and got compliments on the scarf all the rest of the day!

The other thing we tried to shop for were boots.  Yes, I have my rainy day boots, but am still hankering for a black pair of shoes/boots to wear to church--otherwise I am afraid I have clothes that I just won't end up wearing this winter. As you know, I have been looking online, but it is hard to see cute things but not want to pay for shipping and handling and return costs just to try them out--esp. because the boots I tried showed me that I now officially have old, cranky feet, and they are just NOT happy unless they are comfortable.  Oh, and did I mention that my toes are irregularly long?  Zappos is so great, but they don't have everything.  So, Becky and I stopped in Macy's and looked at a mile of footwear--and it seems the ladies in San Jose all like fairly conservative boots, and riding boots are the latest thing, since that's pretty much what the selection was.  I did find the section of Born and Clarks and found some styles I had blogged about on Minnie Zephie, so it was fun to try those after admiring them online, but I guess Black Friday shopping had pretty much decimated the sizes available, so I only tried on three pairs of shoes total.

So, to make up for our shopping sorrows, we went to the Cheesecake factory to gorge ourselves on. . . salad.  No, we did not actually have any cheesecake, because Becky is getting over illness too, and I was feeling it coming back on, but she bought a piece for DH as a thank-you, and I bought tirimasu to indulge in the next day (remember, this was supposed to be my belated b-day celebration, and what's a b-day without cake? ; ), and was so glad I did because I woke up the next day sick again, and it was Sunny's birthday and I did not feel like making a cake and could stick candles in the tirimasu and she was thrilled that I had bought her such a fancy, special dessert and it was generous enough to cut into four small pieces and all the kids licked their plates clean and were happy. 

Have I mentioned I love how my kids are so easy to please?

We will have Sunny's official 12th birthday dinner with Becky's girls this Sunday night, when people should be all healthy again.

Homeschool charter field trip this past week to NASA!  DH took off of work to take Sunny and Merry, and it sounded like an amazing experience. Here Sunny is trying to throw a ball to a partner while they are rotating--so you have to throw the ball to where the person will be, not where they are.  So cool for the kids to experience such principles and then hear how they use such concepts in space!

Yes, the crud I had earlier came back, and has settled in my throat (swollen glands painful to the touch, chronic pain deep in my throat), and I am starting to think it is a virus that will need antibiotics to go away.  But I am waiting it out till next week.

The first round of the illness I had earlier hung over my all Thanksgiving weekend, but we still had a nice time with DH's family.  MIL was a little feisty at the beginning, but I think me being sick actually helped soothe things, because it seemed like she was trying to be purposefully more gentle and forgiving.  I even begged off the two big family bike rides, staying at their house to rest and drink tea, something which normally would not be ok, and she did not give me a hard time.  And I thought we communicated well too.  Like when I had a night where I got almost no sleep (Oma treated the kids with a late screening of the movie "Brave" before bed, and they all had a hard time going to sleep, and then Happy came in at 1 am and said her tummy was hurting but she thought it was because she was hungry, and since the girl has a sensitive stomache and sometimes throws up if she has not eaten well, we got up and went down for a midnight banana and milk snack, but at 3 Sunny came in to tell me Happy was throwing up in bed, so after I got all that taken care of I was laying back in bed and trying to figure out why I could not sleep and realized I was getting that old familiar crampy feeling--sure enough, had to get up and get ready for bleeding, and think it was about 4:30 when I finally went to sleep. And of course the kids still woke up at 7:30. . . ) and I just told MIL in the morning to please be gentle and patient with me, because I would likely be slow-moving, clumsy, thick-headed, and poor company because of it.  That might seem like no big deal, but those are all things that can make anyone annoyed, but esp. someone who is more sensitive to seeing negativity and personal affront everywhere, so for me to be able just to be vulnerable and say "I will likely be annoying you all day, and I apologize in advance for it, so please know I am doing my best" and for her to receive that and be gracious to me all weekend--that was really big, relationally.

Earlier this month the girls were in a small production of Peter Pan.  Here they are after the first performance with Opa.  Sunny was Liza the Darling maid, Happy was a Lost Child, and Merry was an Islander.

Ok, time to get the kids moving.  They have been playing happily (and boisterously) in the bedroom for a long time--but Sunny and Merry have pre-black-belt testing today.  They should both receive their black belts in Ho Kuk Mu Sul (Korean martial arts) sometime this year, but there are several testings they will go through to prepare for that big test. 

Hope your Saturdays are good, wherever you are and however you spend them!  Happy birthday too to my Dear Dad--we love you!

Update, updated

So, I'm still sick, but at least as of tonight feel like I am on the mend.  Last night I felt better than the morning, and had the energy to pull out the girls' clothing bins and get out the winter clothes and put away the last of the short sleeved/warm weather things. 

You might be wondering why I waited this long; well, I had already done it partly, putting away the really summery things and getting out things suitable for fall.  But here on the Bay Fall is often the warmest, most gorgeous weather, and can get up into the 70's and even 80's through mid November!  So I had to leave some things out for those days.  But it is also the season where the weather will go from warm and sunny to cool and rainy to cold and overcast--and the last two and a half weeks we had all three.  But with the trip to northern CA upon us for the holiday weekend, I really needed to get out the cold-weather clothes--the pretty sweaters and velour things we only really have need for about two months out of the year. ; )  So let's make the most of the opportunity to wear them!

So, last night's clothing sorting (including girls trying on things to make sure they still fit) took all my energy, and I felt worse again this morning. But tonight I am doing pretty good--and that's after a regular day of laundry (lots!), dishes, errands, the usual mom stuff, etc.  I was doing all that stuff yesterday too, but must say it is so much more pleasant to do when one is feeling better!

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Oh, and yesterday was my birthday too.  I don't make much fuss of birthdays.  In fact, I always meant to blog about my birthday last year, because it sucked (the actual day pretty much) and I was turning 40 and that sucked too.  The trouble stemmed from remembering so vividly when my parents turned 40, and those black-balloon and crepe paper themed "Over The Hill" birthday parties were all the rage.  So 40 always seemed like the true beginning of old to me.  I realize now the grown-ups had so much fun teasing one another about being "over the hill" because 40 is still medium young.  But the idea still stuck in my head, and I had a really hard time reconciling the girl I was then celebrating my parents old age with the girl I am now, stuck in this increasingly downhill body. 

ANYWAY, so it was fine with me to be sick on my birthday.  DH worked from home so he could get new tires on our car before our travel this weekend, and he offered to take the kids on that errand.  They were gone for hours, which was lovely because I got to wash dishes and fold laundry and sweep in a quiet house. : )  It's funny how peaceful those chores become in an empty house!  And then he brought home dinner from a local organic vegetarian restaurant (how spoiled are we to have such options!) and even picked up some milk.  And he had bought me a gift too:

My favorite steampunk earrings!  Aren't they adorable?!

OK, so I told him about them one night a few weeks back, and conveniently left the page open while I stepped into the bathroom to get ready for bed.  And I happened to email the Etsy shop owner responsible for these beauties to ask if we could retroactively apply the free shipping offer she had sent me, which my husband forgot to enter the code for.  I also, coincidentally, ordered a second pair of earrings in that correspondence, to show her my appreciation for her excellent customer service:

And because I am also my own Santa. 

Anyway, it was a good birthday.  And one more good thing that came of this illness:  experimenting with the various things in my fridge to flavor all the hot water I was drinking, and discovering that fresh lemon steeped in hot water with coconut water added is delicious.  And nutritious!

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Final piece of news.  BEHOLD, my new rainboots for Winter 2012:

Not what you were expecting, eh?  To be honest, not what I was expecting either.  I read all your comments on my last post, your wise words and helpful perspectives, and had decided upon the brown Merrell boots.  But the 8.5 I had tried was uncomfortable against my ankles, as if it was a little too big there and so creasing in a wrong way, and I had Zappos re-send the original size 8 I had tried, because I remembered it being comfortable with my thinner socks, and I thought that would be a fine compromise.  Well.  Thanks to Zappos excellent free and practically overnight shipping, I had the size 8 boots today by 3 pm--and discovered they were also snug!  GAH!  Maybe my feet are swelled from all the home brews I've been drinking, but I distinctly remember the first pair being more comfortable.  It must have been a fluke of that pair.  The pair that arrived today were not comfortable.

So.  That left the Sorels, above.  But I remembered the wise musings of Susan in the last post, when she wondered if I should get a pair of boots my MIL might hate, since they were supposed to be from her.  Excellent point.  I like those boots, but was undecided enough that I certainly did not want to hinder our relationship over them.  So, I decided to let MIL decide!  I send her a link to the boots today, and asked her opinion.  Ok, I guided the asking a little, to tip it over to a favorable view--I did not just say, "What do you think of these?"  Instead, I invited her to contradict me, and expressed my thoughts that these boots were a little more "fashion forward" than I normally wore, and I was worried they were too young for me and I could not pull them off.  Well!  This led MIL to call me and tell me that I was most certainly not too old for such boots and she thought they were cute and thought I could wear them even on days when it was not raining just to keep my feet warm. 

So, now not only is the boot decision made (yay!) and I know MIL is not going to hate them (yay!), but she and I even got to  bond over the boots (by affirming one another's fashion sense and youth) so that the boot decision even had the unanticipated result of being relationship building!  YAY!

Thank you for all of your comments, friends.  I really used them to make this decision.  Terry happened to stop by today to drop off some school things, and while we chatted for a moment on the stoop, I showed her the boots and she said they were much cuter in person. : )  They really are gussied up galoshes--but isn't that exactly the need I was really needing to meet?  My feet will now be warm and dry this winter (and many winters to come), and I am content.

And the icing on the cake was getting the two Zappos boxes re-labeled and back to the UPS store by 5, so they are not sitting in the middle of my living room all weekend!

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And now, because most of this post has dwelt upon my pathetic First World problems:

May you all have a blessed time of family, laughter, love, and thanksgiving this week.  Or the closest thing to it. 

God bless.

More boot advice requested!

Ok,  I am serious.  I want to choose and be done. 

I so appreciated the comments Susan and Jessica left to my last boot post--really helped me think through that round.  I realized, thanks to Susan, that I likely don't want to have my jeans flapping around my ankles when it is raining, so I might naturally chose clothes on rainy days that are perfectly compatible with tall boots.  Looking back, I think this is true, so am running with this idea, to help me eliminate one factor in the decision making. 

I am trying two boots.  I want to keep one of these.  You help me decide!

First is one of the boots I tried before, but making sure I have the right size:

Merrell Captiva Strap

They are basic, go well with my clothes, are nicely made, and are flattering.  Maybe a wee bit on the boring side, but still attractive.  They can dress up or down. They do not call attention to themselves.  They are steampunk compatible, on the more classical end of the spectrum, which is where I fall.  In the size that fit I would not be wearing my thickest socks.  These are quite logical boots to get.


Second is a boot Minnie Zephie blogged about here, which kinda grew on me:

Sorel Slimpack Riding

These are so different.  They are unusual, and edgy, and call attention to themselves.  They are fun to have on. I can actually tuck my jeans into these, but it looks funny, so would likely just wear them with leggings.  They are not as flattering to the leg as the Merrells, but that is somewhat mitigated by wearing leggings with them.  They looked fine with my clothes.  They were really comfortable--felt like wearing galoshes.  They fit my thickest socks. They feel like me on the inside, but I am not sure they match the me on the outside.    They might be too youthful for me.  They would not look right for dressing up (I could wear them to church, but only with certain outfits).  I got to show them to Becky, and she liked them, but wondered if they were too clearly foul-weather boots and not something you would want to wear around town on fine weather days.  They are steampunk compatible, but definitely on the "punk" end of the spectrum.

So, this is why I need your help!  Please leave a comment with your opinion.  I value them all, the honest but gentle ones the most. : )

another update on all manner of things

 A general update.  Because I am sick and really don't have much brain power for doing much serious thinking. And because a few of you might be interested. 

It's 10:43 am, on a regular Monday school/work day. My husband is still in bed, and I'm not sure why.  When I woke and saw daylight peeking through the trees outside the window, I tried to ask him if he had missed the alarm--and he muttered something unintelligible and rolled over.  I don't know if he is sick too, or working from home or what.  It would not really matter except that the house was about 53 degrees when I got up; just a while ago the sun hit the back of the house for a good 15 minutes, so got warmer.  It's now up to a whopping 57 degrees in here!  Whoo-hoo!  It's so cold in here because DH and I went to bed early, both being completely wiped out, and the house was warm enough we did not think we needed a fire.   But this morning I could not find the ash bucket, so could not start cleaning out the fireplace for this morning's fire.  I have a feeling DH was so tired last night he left it outside somewhere.  I'm not about to go hunting for it, sick, in my pjs.  So I am bundled up--even wearing a knitted hat--and waiting for him to get up.  He's awake now, but has not spoken to anyone and is clearly still wanting to be in bed, and I really try not to be his mother, so I'm just chosing instead to be content.  It's helpful to have just finished my second cup of hot tea--at this temp. you have to drink it quickly!  And when the sun hit the house a little while ago it was shining on me and Smiley and Happy playing in the floor behind me, which felt soooooo gooood!   And I have peaceful music playing, and my children are all content. . . and I just think about how we were just reading Little House stories about it being 40 degrees below 0--that's 100 degrees colder than our coldest weather here on the Bay!!!--and how they would have thought their cabins so warm and toasty if they were 57 degrees.

In case you are wondering, we do have a small heater, but it is currently under the house. We bring it out for emergencies. ; )  Although if I went out--sick, in my pj's--to get it and plugged it in, that would surely get DH out of bed!  He hates "wasting" electricity with the heater.  ; )  But instead I'm just hoping that since it is almost 11 am that he is going to be getting up any moment now. . . .

In case you are wondering, we are perfectly warm and cozy in our beds.  I woke up when I heard Smiley coming--the pitter patter of his feet coming to by bed is my alarm clock, and this morning he and I cuddled in bed for a while, but finally had to brace the cold and get up. Because toys and tea and blogs can't wait. ; )

Happy had this cold first, starting on Friday.  Then I got it yesterday, and feel even worse today (sore throat, runny nose, aches and low fever).  Smiley got it today too, and his nose is running like a faucet this morning.  Sunny slept until after 10, and then came out to read in our bed.  She seems fine, but complained she felt like she was getting "eye sick," which we think is her way of describing migraines, which she has gotten every now and then since she was a toddler.  I wonder if she is just feeling this crud coming on, though.  Merry is still asleep in bed.

[Ah ha!  he's up at 11:02!  of course its another hour before the fireplace will be cleaned out and the fire laid and lit and burning hot enough to warm up the firebox and start the blower that really makes the house toasty. I think I'll be out doing errands before then!]

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Today is the deadline for dropping off Operation Christmas Child shoeboxes, and I have two packages I need to send, so I can't just stay here at home in my pjs all day. Again. (yes, I did yesterday, even with my FIL here again for the weekend!  But I was up all day taking care of people, cooking, overseeing the decorating and filling of the shoeboxes, etc.  But doing it all in my pj's was a compromise.   So I'd better get into the shower (so warm when you get under!  so cold when you are drying off!  why i procrastinated this morning. . . ).

But I don't have to worry about breakfast for the family this morning because last night right before bed two little pixies showed up at our door bearing a  huge pumpkin pie.  My dear Becky swung by with it--left over from the big family gathering they had just had.  : )  And another blessing yesterday was that my wonderful school liason Terry gifted us with three bags of goodies for the shoeboxes, and it was just the right amount that combined with what little I had stocked up it perfectly filled the shoeboxes and I did not have to make a run to Target for more. 

And now my Dear Husband is cleaning out the fireplace.  I'm feeling the love!

; )

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One of the boxes I need to get to send today is the "Camilla" boots.  The weekend my in-laws were both here it was rainy and I was ready to pull them out and wear them, but when I put them on before church and started racing around (instead of the careful steps I had been taking previously so not to marr the bottoms and invalidate a return) I realized they felt a little snug on both feet, so that was that.  I am returning them, and hope all goes well with the refund. 

I also spent this past week looking at boots again online, and realized I was making it too hard on myself by trying to anticipate what other uses these boots might serve (Dawn is laughing, "Duh!") and went back and just looked at leather rain boots.  I just need to have a pair of nice waterproof boots, and if they meet other needs (like looking good with my black skirts for church) then that will be the icing on the cake.

I ordered some from Zappos to try again--including some of the same ones I tried before, but in larger sizes. 

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Good thing we are done with our crazy school/life season for this Fall, so we can have a quiet lazy day like this.  It is still a school day, so we will still do math, and watch more of Ken Burns' "Civil War" series, and work on our current book project.  But other than that. . . I don't care.  Esp. with us all being sick.  I have a feeling the two older girls will do a lot of reading today, and since it will be "schooly" books, that's fine by me.

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And for those of you who remember my last, epic update, when my in-laws came weekend before the last, FIL and DH did not mention their plans to me, but just started digging and mucking about the septic "system."  Then FIL came back this past weekend (MIL stayed at home to help care for her mother) and he and DH mucked about some more, and supposedly the septic is repaired, with a new leach line/field.  Well, I'll be.  So I guess one could go through the county requirements, get experts to take soil samples and make reports on environmental impacts near a watershed, hire professionals to design and install a new system that would take months and months for approvals and completetion and end up costing $15-20,000. . . or one could just procrastinate until a FIL grabs a shovel and some plastic pipe and goes at it for a few days.  It is not a little embarassing at how easy that was.  Ok, borderline illegal, but still.  I completely understand why DH sat (ha!) on that project for so long.  It seemed so huge and so expensive and he had no idea where to begin.  So this week I am very thankful for experienced fathers who have been fixing things their whole lives and don't get overwhelmed easily.  And who really want to help. 

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Ok, DH has the fire cheerily popping and sparking--still a while before it really gets going, but now I'll brave the shower.  My last child just stumbled out of bed.  And if DH is not going into work today, then maybe I can do these errands without kids and stop to get my overly-long and now looking crazy bangs cut before Thanksgiving.

See, so much to be thankful for! ; )

Hope you all can say the same this morning.

best of facebook, Nov. 19

Attributed to someone named Denise Smith

Dedicated to my fellow moms, and my sisters in spirit. 

weekend update--Me and MIL

MIL and FIL came to visit this past extended weekend.  Overall it went as well as could be expected, and so much better than in years past.  MIL has been living out so much grace the past two times we were with them, and so we have overall had nice times, and this time there was just a little more underlying negativity that made the overall tone of the weekend just a little less comfortable.  I honestly think MIL does not even know she does it.  Well, I mean I think she says things on purpose, because she thinks she must (to teach us, to show us truth, or to send a message), but I don't think she realizes how the overall effect can be so negative.

Examples:
a.  Commenting on how I am eating as much as four people at lunch one day.
b. After Merry plays a beautiful song on the recorder, saying, "You should learn the clarinet." (that one cracks me up, because MIL meant it in a good way, that Merry was good enough on the recorder that it was time for her to move up to a "real" instrument. But still! ; )
c. Sunday breakfast I made a fancy meal, forgetting MIL and I had chatted about other possibilities the day before, which it turns out she was expecting.  So, she channelled her disappointment into commenting over and over how the kids clearly did not like the food (omlette with sauteed mushroom and onion, with sun-dried tomatoes and a fruit salad and toast), because they were not eating very quickly.  Finally I said, "Would anyone else like to disparage the food?  If so, how about you get it out all at once." But I did it in a humorous tone, and everyone laughed.  (And FIL sweetly complimented the food.)  And then MIL went right on back commenting how the kids clearly did not like the food.

See, I think MIL means what she says, but really does not mean to sound so. . . mean.  So I try to listen to the words behind the words, you know?  I try to hear the expectations (or expectations unmet), or the desire, or the hurt, or the insecurity, or even the compliment behind the sometimes hurtful or even just confusing words.  And then I try to take that understanding and do things differently--because the goal is to love MIL in a way she can recognize. 

And MIL was really making an effort to be loving too!  She let me do most of the cooking, which is a real turn-around from the past.  It is not that I want to be in charge in the kitchen--I actually don't care if she cooks while she is here, because, hey, I don't have to cook, and it keeps her busy--and busy is good--and because she likes to be in charge, and that is one arena I don't care if she takes charge of.  So its not like I have ever indicated I don't want her in the kitchen, and I like working side by side together.  But she was--on her own--stepping back and letting me have control of the kitchen and meal planning, which was a big sign of her trying to respect me and my role in my home.  So sweet!  And she would come in and ask if she could help and what I wanted her to do.  Again, so sweet!  And once when she asked, I said there was nothing to do, but I would love it if she sat and kept me company, and so she did and we had a nice time chatting about GMOs while I finished up.   And she would set the table and other helpful things, but the point is not who did what, but that she was trying to be loving and helpful and respectful, and that was such a nice foundation for the visit.

And another way MIL was showing love and restraint and respect for me was in NOT cleaning or trying to do my laundry.  I really don't like her to do these things, because we had a lot of that at the beginning of our relationship, and it always ended up implying judgement of my inadequacies as a homemaker, a wife, a mom, etc.  (Whether or not MIL intends that, her words and actions in the past have led me to feel that way.)  She even commented that she would be doing those things but knew I liked to do it myself--now that is spoken love, people!  I made sure to affirm that was true and that I appreciated her consideration.  And then she had the brilliant idea of attacking my mending bag (which was SO MUCH SMALLER than it used to be, because I have been so much better about making a point of mending, but which still had about seven things in it.  MIL mended most of them, and after I was done cooking I joined her, and we finished the whole bag. What a blessing!)

And MIL and I had several true "girlfriend" moments too, like shopping at the Trade As One "boutique" set up at our church last weekend, and we liked the same scarf and bracelets (and MIL bought me a beautiful scarf as an early Christmas present). And then another day getting ready for the girls' musical production of Peter Pan, and we were in a rush getting the kids out the door to make it to the final dress rehersal, so I finished brushing and re-doing my hair and then putting on some makeup in the ladies' room at the church, and MIL borrowed my lipstick and eyeliner to put finishing touches on herself.  I love it when we have little moments of simple solidarity like that!  And then another time we went looking at the Santa Cruz Goodwill, and she found a great suede skirt for $3 that made her really happy, and we had fun.

But sometimes those great girlfriend moments end up making me too easily hurt the next time a negative thing is said.  I have to find that fine emotional line between being so open (and thus vulnerable) in my loving, and then being too easily bruised--which makes me then want to withdraw further, out of self-protection, which is not loving--and keeping myself reserved, which is safer but which I think MIL even picks up on and which, if I am conveying it, then builds up barriers between us. 

So hard! 

They left yesterday, and I spend the afternoon drinking tea (having not had a single tea time all weekend) and hanging out on the computer catching up on blogs and doing other business.  And I read this post by sidebar favorite Welcome to My Brain, about something called the "locus of control" and how realizing where your emotional focus is can help you identify where you are setting yourself up for feeling out of control, or needing control, or beliving the lies (which I have written about before) that somehow you are not in control of your own feelings and actions.  Some highlights for me:

We need other people. They feed us and they support us. Yet, it is not healthy to rely on other people to be the source for feeling good about ourselves or making a positive choice. These other people may not always be there. They may have their own bad day. In reality, if our self-esteem is only based on others and the things that happen to us, then it's really not true, positive self-esteem.

Sometimes we find our sense of acceptance, validation or worth from our spouses, friends and even our kids. There's nothing wrong with feeling these things when our spouse compliments us in a room full of people, or when our children say, "Thanks, Mom. I love you," or when our friends send us an encouraging email. The big indicator is how we feel about ourselves in the absence of these things. . . .

What I'm realizing, as well, is that this affects every thing I do and every relationship I have. If your locus of control is more external, it affects how often, how strongly and how long you will have negative responses to things. . . .

I am sure you can see how this directly relates to the thoughts and feelings I am processing after this visit by my in-laws.  I think this is one area in which MIL and I have a lot in common, so we are unintentionally allowing our own faulty views of "locus of control" to negatively impact our relationship with one another. 

So, I hope God will shed more light on this whole idea in my mind and heart as we prepare for a whole holiday season with DH's family.  I want to keep growing, to keep learning how to lay down myself--but in a healthy, safe, God-led way--and focusing on truth and doing my best to live out grace and love and all those wonderful things. 

Oh, and I need this with my kids too, as they are having the traditional post-grandparent melt-downs!  : ) 

I encourage all of you to read the linked post--such good food for thought.  And may you be having a blessed week!

politics and peace on fb

OK, I just have 15 more minutes of peace and quiet before I release the kids from quiet time, and still have half a cup of tea left. . . .

So, random thoughts for this election week:

In case anyone wondered, politically I am staunchly Independent (i.e. don't like to be lumped in with any particular party, since I don't 100% agree with any of them), but lean Libertarian. It is funny to me that I have friends who are conservative, Republican, Democrat, Leftist--and most of them talk to me as if they assume I have the same political convictions they do!  Seriously--we will be chatting and they will throw out comments that are totally offensive, like suggesting anyone who votes ____ is a complete moron, and the whole time I'm thinking, if only you knew.  I think only a few people really know how I label myself, and all the better for it.

Esp. on facebook.

I'm really happy the election is over.   I was actually really surprised Tues night and woke up a little depressed Weds morning.  I had debated getting political over here, but decided facebook was bad enough. ; )  I try not to post divisive or partisan things on fb, but did post things that I hoped would encourage people to look past stereotypes and lies (yes, the media was all PANTS ON FIRE for months there, about pretty much every candidate and every thing you could possibly vote on) and vote with honesty and reason and open-mindedness and thoughfulness. 

Like the following pic, which I posted with this comment last week:

I absolutely love seeing people vote with their hearts and minds, regardless of what they have voted in the past, or what people expect of them. I wish our political system would encourage more free thinking and less herd mentality!

pic attributed to Chris L. Lotto on fb

And one of my fb friends, J, kinda got all up on me for the small print in the pic, and so I clarified:

I shared the pic not to claim support for any particular stance on Israel, but because I so seriously enjoy people thinking outside of the two-party political ghettos it feels like Americans are constantly being shoved into. I don't care who you vote for, and have friends who are voting all kinds of ways--I just loathe people voting unthinkingly along party lines. So anyone demonstrating they are using their own intelligence, reason, and best judgement in their voting earns my respect, even if I disagree with their final choice.

It was a little sad for me having my friend get all tense about me seeming to support the message behind the photo instead of just enjoying its wonderful, unexpected juxtaposition of cultural expectations.  This is not the first time J has been critical of my suspected politics on fb, and this guy was someone I was really good friends with in high school, and whom I always wanted to think I was cool.  I guess now I realize he thinks I am definitely uncool. ; )  So, a little sadness there--I liked him sooooo much (not in a romantic way at all, esp. since he had a crush on one of my BF's) and he used to like me, and I have such good memories with him, and now somehow we ended up fb friends and it's just awkwardness. 

As I processed that in the shower last night, I realized that he is one of those people who, politically, I will never agree with--not because of who he votes for, but because he has the "elite" mindset that drives me crazy, and has only contempt for those who vote on the other end of the spectrum from himself.  He will likely never, ever be able to vote anything other than his party line, because he is so entrenched in it.  That is the only political perspective I have a hard time respecting--because what good is your mind, are your values, if you don't actually wrangle with the things and parties you are voting for or against?  You end up just a tool of somebody else's mindset and values.

And my friend J is also elitist in his religious views, and cannot fathom how any least-bit-intelligent person could believe in God, esp. the long-ago-proven-dead God of the Christian faith.   He is probably completely astounded and disgusted whenever I mention God or Jesus.  I even mentioned Satan on my fb page the other day--and afterwards cringed at how J's eyes would likely bug out of his head at that.  I mean, you can roll your eyes at mention of God and snort with disbelief at mention of Jesus, but to actually mention Satan, and suggest he is active in the world?!!  File that one away under religious WACKO. 

And I realized, again with sadness, that if we knew each other IRL, maybe we would not be friends.  I have some UBER lefty friends on fb, who I do see IRL, and their political postings (pants on fiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrreeeee) made me start to skip over their posts and not even read them.  But yet, I noticed those friends were some of the first to "like" photos of my kids, or to say positive things about non-political shares.  And I knew I was purposefully doing the same to their non-political shares--or even the political ones that I could get on board with.  We were all affirming the person behind the political views, and affirming our ability to separate the two.  

  attributed to Erika Metzler Sawin on fb

That's the way it should be. 

My moment of political transparency and vulnerability now: I honestly do not understand why our nation re-affirmed confidence in our President.  The future of our nation looks so dire from here, and the things that make so much sense to me (fiscal responsibility, for starters) just don't seem to be a part of what is important to half of our nation.  (Susan, if you read this, I am requesting a phone date soon.  I don't know who you voted for, but know from our past conversations that you can see both sides almost better than anyone I know, and can help me see the logic--the hope.)  I'm not upset our President won the re-election if a (teensy-weensy) majority of our nation believes he is the best person for the job;  I'm just surprised that he did and they do and would like to understand the vision for our nation that the other half of the country sees we are headed towards.  I'm sure they think it is a good place.   

The cynical part of me also does not remember so much "let's all get along" stuff posted on fb when George Bush won his re-election.  I just remember all the negativity.  I'm tempted to think some places on the political spectrum tend to encourage more graceful losing than others. . .

But I am trying not to be cynical.  I'm trying to love people despite how they use politics as a tool of disunity, of belittling, of downright self-righteous malice.  I'm truly glad there is so much good-spirited stuff being shared around facebook now.  I hope those who have bruised hearts will be encouraged.  I hope those who have been bullies and badgerers will soften and even repent.  I hope I will never forget how I feel at this moment, and have greater compassion for my friends who may have felt this way in 2004 and who might feel this way in 2016 (; p).  I hope I will not be afraid to be myself on fb, on this blog, in the world, but also that God would show me how to be an instrument for His Good and Perfect purposes in all those arenas.  Esp. to be a voice of love and reason!

So, whoever you voted for--good for you for voting!  Thank you for having a voice for what you believe is best for our country.  I'm so glad you come by my little cozy blog, and I hope you always feel welcome and safe.   

(And anyone who wants to leave a comment, please feel free!  But please also do so in the spirit of that last image. : )
    

My adorable, precious children, at bedtime one night in recent past

Sunny: We are the most disobedient, disagreeable,
 
Merry (interrupting, cheerfully): rude, 

S (exchanging gleeful looks with her sister): horrid,
 
M: awful, 

S: impertinent,
 
M: impossible,

S: incorrigible children in the whole wide world.

M: And we're proud of it!

Another Sunday, Another Photoshoot

It just turned out yesterday that the weather here in Santa Cruz was gorgeous--hot and sunny.  And it just so happened that the kids were all wearing coordinating outfits based upon skirts my mother made them over the years.  And it just so happened we were at church with a few minutes to spare long after everyone else had gone home, so no one would notice us playing with the camera.

So first I got some more photos of the kids in front of the big "Jesus" art piece.

Then I asked DH if he wouldn't mind taking a few photos of me, for a new, ongoing photo series I have on Minnie Zephie. 

See, I get him to take my pictures, and then I crop them so you don't see my face. This means I'm not worrying about my facial expressions in the photos, and usually look pretty serious--it's just because I'm trying to picture in my minds eye how to stand and hold my limbs so the clothes look their best, and DH is being so great to be my photographer, but is not good at noticing that my clothes are crooked or my butt is sticking out funny or my skirt is bunched, etc.  So it is hard to be the model and not the one behind the camera making sure the photos come out showing what I want them to show (and not showing what I don't want them to show!).  So he and I are both learning--and it is so embarassing to show you the behind-the-scenes, (it is so much more vulnerable posing in front of you all, who know me!) but I just had to, because. . . well, you'll see.

Clearly, I'm irresistable. ; )

Boots again! Fashion opinions solicited!

So, some of you might remember last year at this time, when I wrote about looking for a pair of new, every-day winter boots.

I still don't have any.

Let me explain.  (Because I have a long-drawn out story for every topic.)

You see, Fall is somehow always my busiest time of the year, and so when MIL emailed with her sweet offer of getting me boots, I was delighted, and immediately started looking--but just didn't have much free time to do so, and had to even figure out what I really wanted in a boot to begin with.  So I looked and looked and thought and thought, and think now, one year later, I am finally ready to choose a pair.

I know.  I take some things just a little too seriously.

But really--good boots are a lot of money!  So if I am going to throw down a couple hundred bucks on boots (or ask MIL to), they had better meet all my needs, look great, and make me happy when I look at my feet.  (And if they are subtly Steampunk, that's the icing on the cake ; ).  I only have so much room in my closet, and certainly don't want a pair of boots dominating the real-estate if they are not worth it.  So it was important to me to research carefully, to find something that would meet my needs and that I would be happy with for a long time.

Here's the funny part--here in CA, winter weather means cold rain.  Guess what I have worn for at least the PAST FOUR YEARS for rainy-day winter gear? 

Without socks, because of course they would get wet.  So for FOUR YEARS I have had cold, wet feet all winter long as I was out and about--but it was kinda practical because they would dry fairly quickly once I was indoors.  And I would carry a pair of socks with me in my purse, so if I went to a friend's house, for example, I would slip on the socks when I got there and my feet dried off and then I would be warm and cozy.

Clearly not an ideal situation, though.

Now, I *did* have a pair of boots, from when we lived in CO, that I wore for years and years.  At first I wore them almost daily in the winter, then when the weather necessitated them, then got to the point when I only wore them to church and when we visited my in-laws, since those are the times bare feet in wet crocs will get you really weird looks and negative comments.  But those boots were not waterproof, and they were ugly.  No, really, I thought they were ugly when I bought them in Colorado about 12 years ago--but at the time I was just beginning teaching at the U of CO, Denver, and needed a pair of good winter boots that would get me through the snow but also be attractive enough to wear in the classroom.  I could not find any I liked, but needed something, so I settled on an ugly pair that met the basic needs.  They were kind of like black lace-up combat boots, except not nearly as cool; something about the toe shape was just a little too conservative, and they had a pebbly texture that was not my favorite.  They cost me something like $50 and at the time I thought that was a LOT of money.  So I wore those ugly, utilitarian black boots for twelve years, and frankly--to my disappointment--they were holding up great and probably could have lasted another twelve.  But when I realized last year that I had long been chosing to have cold, wet bare feet over wearing those boots--I decided I had gotten my money's worth out of them and could justify having a pair that was actually waterproof and that I liked. 

So I gave them to Goodwill.   I hate holding on to things I don't even like--that was so fun and liberating!  Release them to the world, to let them go bless someone else.  : )

And now, with my Dear Husband's blessing, I get to pick out new waterproof boots that I will actually like and wear!

Best of all, MIL offered AGAIN to buy me a pair for my birthday!  Whoo-hoo!

I spent last week making sure I knew what was out there, so knew what my options were, and just ordered some to try from Zappos.  It was soooooooo fun going back to my old posts about Steampunky winter boots and choosing some to try.  But I had to be practical and make sure I was getting boots that were actually waterproof (not just cool-looking) and boots that would work with the clothes I already own (and not some fantasy wardrobe that lives in my head).

Here are the ones I tried, and how it went:

The North Face Camryn

These were attractive enough, and very nicely made, but frankly nothing special.  They were also half a size too small, at least, I could not even get my foot in them.

Merrell Captiva High

These were cuter, and also nicely made, but also too small.

Merrell Captiva Strap

These were my favorite of the tall boots.  They were sized much better, and they were quite comfortable in my regular shoe size, albeit with a medium weight sock (I am kicking myself that I did not think to put on my usual thickness of winter socks to see how that affected the fit).  They fit me perfectly at the ankle and the calf, and looked soooooooo cute.  And in this color they are totally neo-Steampunk.  And part of the reason I really like the svelte ankle design is that I have thin legs but rather stumpy ankles--it was a thrill to see boots that actually made my ankles look attractive. ; )

The North Face Bryn

These boots were my second favorite.  They too were well made and comfortable (in those medium weight socks at least), and absolutely adorable, esp. in this "weimerander" color.  The color is not as Steampunk, and would not complement my wardrobe quite as well, but they are still neutral (so in theory would go with anything) and the color was just so perfect for the design I would probably not like them as well in a different color.  BUT I found they do some in a more classic steampunk brown at the company website.  So that would in theory be an option.

I tried all those high boots just because they are SO DARN CUTE and because I wanted to.  They are all waterproof leather, well-made, and some of them are not even overly expensive (you can find them cheaper at other sites than Zappos, but I love to use Zappos for trying things because they are so great and fast with free shipping and returns.  So if I find what I want elsewhere for a much better price, I will return to Zappos and reorder them from the cheaper place, factoring in shipping in the price of course; but over the years I have bought enough from Zappos for my husband and kids that I don't feel like I am taking advantage of their generous try-them-out-on-us policies).  But the problem with those cute high boots is that they are not as practical with my current wardrobe.  They work best with leggings, tights, and skinny jeans. 

I do wear leggings sometimes, and would be glad to wear tights and skirts with them--but my skirts are mostly full and long, and that's not what I tend to reach for on a rainy day, you know?  I do not own skinny jeans--I am thin overall, but proportionally hippy, so the skinny jeans I try just don't fit at all--if they fit my hips they are too baggy in the butt and/or too loose in the waist.  And I imagine even I did find a pair that fit right, it would accentuate those hips and not in a good way.  So, I am a boot-cut jean gal--I don't care if that style is no longer the trend, they look good on my shape.  BUT as you can imagine, you can't wear high boots with those kinds of jeans.  Even if you can get the leg of the jeans over the boots, they make the jean leg stick out all funny where the top of the boot is.

So, already knowing that would be an issue, I tried the only other pairs of even remotely steampunky waterproof leather boots on Zappos:

Pikolinos Le Mans ii

Except I realized after I ordered them that these two pairs of Pikolinos are not truly waterproof; they are waterproof treated, which would be better than what I already have, but not as good as I would want.  Also, Pikolinos are expensive because they are very well made shoes--but still, if I can get a pair that is truly waterproof and cute for less $. . . it just does not seem to make sense to pay for anything less than what will meet my need.

But both of these boots were so comfortable the moment I put them on.  The black pair did shift a little when I walked, and I am not sure if that would be a problem during actual use or not. (I remember as a kid having rain/winter boots that lefted at the ankle subtly as I walked and tugged at the heel of my socks as it did, so that by the time I had walked to school the socks were bunched uncomfortably under the arch of my foot.  I have no intentions of going there with any of these boots!)  I liked the tread of the black boots best--seemed would give the best traction on slippery sidewalks--but the brown pair fit my ankles PERFECTLY and were so perfect under regular jeans--you never saw the top of the boot competing with the leg of the jean, even when walking and bending the leg. 

Pikolinos Brujas

I also liked the low buckle detail, which peeked out from under the jean hem--I am not a fan of boots that are completely boring when you just see the toe and heel under long jeans.  But the main issue with these is that they are not truly waterproof, so I sent them back too.

Which leads me to the final pair I tried, and which I thought was the winner:

La Canadienne Camilla

Waterproof leather.  Very nicely made.  Good traction on the heel.  Comfortable with medium-weight socks.  Nice ankle shape that works well with the jeans I own.  Attractive suede and buckle.  They look boring when mostly hidden by jeans, but look cute with leggings and skirts.  They are a brand I have grown to admire and which I believe will serve me well for many years to come.  They were also the most expensive of the bunch, by far, but I really wanted to try them, so I did.  And I really liked them. 

And then I found them for almost half the price, in last year's version:

And I like the smooth leather almost as well, and it is a tad more steampunk just by the leather tone.  Score!  So I showed them to MIL, she approved, she gave me the money for them, I returned all those boots to Zappos and ordered these--and actually found the best price on Amazon.com, so I still got free shipping AND used reward points I had been accumulating from my credit card all year so that THE BOOTS WERE TECHNICALLY FREE.

Yippeeee!

But then they arrived yesterday, and I wanted to cry.  Because I excitedly put them on--and the boots were too narrow on my left foot, actually squeezing the bones and hurting.  What the. . .?!  Then I realized I was wearing my heaviest weight winter socks.  They are not THAT much thicker than my medium-weight socks, and I have several pairs of these that I love to pull out when the weather is cold and wet--but they are just thick enough to hurt with these boots.  Now I am kicking myself that I did not try on the boots with my heaviest socks in the beginning. . . and it is also likely that this pair of boots is built just a hair more narrow than the others, since they are different seasons and different leathers. . . . but I switched socks and the boots immediately felt more comfortable. 

But now I don't know what to do.  Here is my dilemna:

--I think the boots are wearable with the medium-weight sock, which is an acceptable compromise; but I still feel like the left foot does not quite have the room it should.  It is not at all painful with the thinner socks, but feels snug. I would likely be able to wear them just fine. . . but what if I try them out and about and they start to hurt after a few hours?  That is my fear.  Because then I would not be able to return them, and the goal of this pair of boots is that I can just slip them on and wear them all day running around town on any given winter day.  They HAVE to be comfortable. 

--Then again, with a little breaking in, these boots might end up being totally fine, for all day wear. I might not be able to wear those thick socks, but I need some new socks anyway, so will just get more medium weight and save the thick for cozy-at-home wear.

--Amazon will take the boots back, but I can't exchange for the next size up because it is unavailable.

--I would have to make a straight return, and I am afraid I will lose those reward points in the process.  (maybe not, but things like this have happened before--and I might not know until after I make the return. . . if I don't have to take the chance I would rather not.)

--Since the boots ended up being FREE, with the use of those reward points, and since MIL gave me money for the boots, I actually have the freedom to try these and see if they work, and can get a different pair later if I need to. . . (and I am sure I could re-sell them on eBay and get a decent bit back even if they are worn. . . )

--Or I could even go ahead and get one of the tall boots I tried and really liked, because I know I would wear them and like them, and then I would have an acceptable pair that work with my jeans and a fabulous pair that work with everything else. . . Also, I do not have any  nice black shoes at all for cold weather, so maybe should get a pair of black boots/shoes, and maybe one of these pairs of tall boots I liked I would like just as much in black and would well meet that wardrobe desire. . .

--I don't have much room in my closet, esp. not for multiple pairs of boots (and it is really ironic to go from having no boots at all to having multiple pairs) but it would be worth it not to be spending any more time or energy thinking about finding the *perfect* pair of boots.  Don't get me wrong, it has been very fun to look at boots, and imagine what boots would work with my clothes best, what boots are practical and yet a wee bit steampunk. . . I have thoroughly enjoyed the process.  But the rainy season has begun, and I just want to have a pair of boots now, darn it!

And last night I even dreamed about boots.  In my dream, I had found two pairs of leather boots that I had "forgotten about" tucked away in storage.  They were both kinda Dr. Marten style, pretty clunky and tough, and one pair was tall and the other one was a low pull on. The tall pair was green.  The low pull-on pair was red.  They both had black clunky soles and black detailing.  They were actually much more like something I would have liked in college than anything I would wear now.  But I remember the feeling in the dream of being SO HAPPY just because I had a pair of waterproof winter boots and did not have to worry about it anymore.

Which means it is time to get this all resolved and end the drama. 

This is where I need all of you!  PLEASE leave feedback and let me know your opinion!  I am specifically trying to decide:

--what to do about keeping or trying to return the "Camilla" boots I got.

--whether or not I should get a tall pair of boots, either instead of the "Camilla" boots, or in addition to.

If I decide to get a tall pair of boots, then I will be soliciting more advice on which ones.  But these two questions seem like the logical first to address. 

I formally solicit your advice!  Please be liberal with your words and helpful intentions.  Remember this is all about a pair of casual, practical, every-day winter/wet weather boots.

(After we decide this issue, I'll gladly tell you all about the dressy boot success I had earlier in the year, which I have been meaning to share for a long time!)

Thank you all! I look forward to your comments.