FInishing Thoughts on Failing Sunday School

Boy, I did not mean to let that last post linger without follow-up for so long.  I never thought that last post would strike such a chord with you all, and I have really enjoyed reading your comments.  Lots of excellent points raised there!  Many of you have also shared your thoughts to me in email, or phone conversations. I appreciate how many of you cared about how I was feeling with Smiley's demotion, and wanted to offer suggestions.

And it made me realize I must have failed to strike the tone I intended in that last piece.  I was going for light humor with a touch of snark, but also acknowledgement of potentially meaningful educational ideology at play.  I think it came off instead like I was really upset, and am harboring resentment towards the Children's Ministry director.  So I want to reassure everyone that while the whole thing seemed to come out of the blue, and the director's response still puzzles me, I am NOT upset.

Most of all I want to make it clear that I have no hard feelings towards our Children's Ministry Director.  She is a lovely woman whom I like very much. She is a mom of two young boys, so I imagine would have reasonable and realistic expectations for boys Smiley's age in general.  I posted what I did because I saw the whole thing as stemming from a difference between the ways formally educated teachers (which the director is) and homeschool teachers view children and learning. So I thought it was worth thinking about--how do formally trained teachers view children's individuality/differences in the classroom?  How are common assumptions about what education is shaping how we do Sunday School, and is that good?  What are we really teaching our kids on Sunday mornings, and what ripple effect might those things have to our children as adults? 

For example--if we always give the kids one style of worship (which at our church is a young, energetic female leader up in front of the kids leading singing to pre-recorded praise songs with choreographed hand and body motions, VBS-style.  It is meant to be fun but I believe is unintentionally a little too "girly" and might understandably be alienating the boys, or making the older kids feel awkward) and say they *have* to do it with everyone else, what are we teaching them about corporate worship?  That it is dumb? That they have no choice? That following what everyone else is doing is more important than meaning it?  That worship is obeying a leader, instead of listening to God?  That the motions are what matter and not the heart?  What about kids who are in rebellion or who are not believers and just need to be accepted for where they are, and be welcomed and allowed to come and not participate as long as they are not disruptive?

Children's worship in Sunday school is just one of many things that we could talk about in such a vein.  We could also talk about the very structure of the time allotted for Sunday school, and what that says about our priorities.  For example, the last time DH and I led the 1st and 2nd grade class together on a Sunday morning, we had the kids sitting and listening to the Scripture reading for that day, but they did not understand the verse.  So I started to tell a story to illustrate the verse, to help them see what it was saying and how it applied to their lives.  It was one of those times when I must have been telling a story well, because the kids were all attentive, engaged--dare I say learning?--when the children's worship leader came to tell us we were late for the worship gathering.  So, we had to stop talking with a roomful of kids who were actually thinking about the Scripture verse and its meaning, and go wave our arms and stomp our feet in the name of Jesus.  Of course, I understand why they came to get us, and why they want all the kids in the large group time together--but with the crafts and games and all, the class ends up with about 10 minutes max to talk to the kids about the Bible, and clearly there is no flexibility for a group that gets really into the Word and wants to linger for a few more minutes in a "teachable moment."  What is all that saying about what we think is most important to teach the kids on Sunday morning? 

And these are the exact issues that stem from our Sunday Schools being modeled after traditional public schools. A model proven to be ineffective in the real world, I might add.  So if the public school model is failing at teaching our kids effectively about math, sciences, history, etc., why are we still using it as the foundation for how we teach kids about Jesus?

So the REAL problem with our Sunday Schools is that everyone is too used to the way things have always been done, and don't even question whether or not it is working, and what it is really teaching our kids about God and church.  Since Sunday Schools are modeled after public school, it would make perfect sense that a former public school teacher would be a really good Children's Ministry Director--and that she and I would not approach these issues the same way.  Homeschool parents naturally see outside the normal ways of doing things, and question everything (esp. authority ; ).  So I see what happened with our director and Smiley being demoted as being simply the result of a different way of thinking about educating kids, and I am completely ok with deferring to her preference on this one. 

But too, I think this situation is the result of the public school view of "socialization."

I think the Director thinks we are a little odd--just a little backwards/backwoods.  Truly, I am ok with that.  Some people have a really hard time understanding why others choose to homeschool, and I just think she is one of them, and it might be flavoring the way she views us--and thus Smiley's behavior in Sunday School. 

Once this past Spring she and I had a fascinating discussion after church on a Sunday.  It was that same week I mentioned above in the Scripture scenario, when DH and I were volunteering in the classroom.  We had gotten there a little late, so afterwards I went to apologize.  I also wanted to ask her not to schedule me for any more classroom time (I had never officially volunteered, but was being called a lot to fill in just because they know me) for a while, because it was too stressful for me to try to get to church early  (and was putting strain on my marriage).  This was in the middle of my depression and at the height of the crazy Spring schedule too, and underneath I was a complete mess even though I thought I was doing a pretty good job of looking normal on the outside, and I felt like I was Failing in pretty much every single aspect of my life, and was quite emotionally vulnerable.  And looking back, I was probably discouraged from "messing up" that morning's Sunday School class schedule by talking about the Bible longer than we were supposed to, and thus unknowingly holding up everyone else.  I already felt like I was always disappointing everyone and couldn't do anything right in other areas of my life, so that little moment of disapproval from the worship leader was like the straw that broke the camel's back.

So that morning, I let my overwhelmedness and sadness show for a moment, as I explained to the director why I couldn't handle the stress of feeling like I was failing at one more thing and so did not want any responsibilities in Children's Ministry at all.  I did not break down or cry or anything, but I am sure my brokenness came through in my face and voice.  And she was all sympathetic and understanding and sweet (because that is who she is) and then she brightly asked me something like, "So, if you don't mind telling me, what made you want to homeschool?" And I assumed this was a segue into a new life topic, and she was thinking about homeschooling her two young boys (SO many young moms from our church have jumped into homeschooling this year!) and so launched into an enthusiastic explanation about why we started, and how it has been such a great thing.  And when I finished my spiel, and she spoke again, it was to basically complete her original thought: "Because it sure seems like you are in over your head big time, and that's why you are such a mess."  She said it much more nicely than that, and I was touched that she cared.  But I was mentally smacking my forehead, that I had not inquired why she was asking before I told her all that stuff, because I realized she is not at all interested in homeschooling, she just thinks homeschooling is killing me and is not sure I can see that.  My reaction was quick, however, as I reassured her with disbelief: "Oh, no, not at all!  Homeschooling is the one thing going really WELL at the moment.  It's all the other things that are so hard right now!"  And it was true--homeschool was the one thing at that moment that was hard but at least rewarding.  (It was everything else in my life that pretty much sucked.)

So that conversation gave me new resolve not to let my brokenness slip out any more, and I think I did a fine job of functioning normally overall until God had me where He wanted me for receiving His truth and healing (which is still in process).  But it also reminded me of how most of the world just can't understand the beauty of homeschooling, esp. those who were formally educated.  (A lot of former Educators DO homeschool, or are able to see why it is a good choice for a lot of families, but I find that MOST Educators just can't go there--homeschooling challenges their very way of life, their identity, how they spend most of their time, the principles they have sacrificed so much for, and so they feel threatened by it.)

All that to say, when she and I spoke the other Sunday about Smiley moving back down to preschool, I had that prior conversation in the back of my head.  She just might have the teensy-tiniest thoughts about Smiley not being properly schooled/socialized, and that might be flavoring this decision to move him down. But again, this is not something I hold against her.  I just think her prior experience/indoctrination as a public school teacher is influencing her perspective on what it means for a kid to be ready, for a kid to be participating, for a kid to fit in, for a kid to be socialized, etc.  I am really and truly fine with her not having the same lens to view kids through that I as a homeschool mom have.  Everybody is limited in perspective--because we are all looking from different starting points.  We all just do the best we can with what we understand at the time, and I believe she believes this is best for everybody.  
 
Final thoughts:

-- I don't think she and I need to talk about it further, because I don't think that would change anything. 

--The whole brief discussion was also very awkward, and I don't want awkwardness between us, because she is a really nice woman and I am sure we will have a long relationship together as members of the same body.

--I appreciated that one of my reader friends, who also has kids in our Sunday School, asked me if anyone--the SS teachers or DH and I--had ever actually talked with Smiley about appropriate ways to show respect for the teacher and classroom.  No, I don't think anyone ever has--a great starting point!

--I'm not sure the director realized that Smiley is really, officially, in kindergarten--maybe that would have made a difference. 

--But maybe it would not have made any difference, given that she likely thinks he is not ready for the kindergarten class because he is not getting the benefits of "real" school and indoctrination into cultural norms (I'm realizing kindergarteners must not be allowed to lay on the floor while in school while learning.  Who knew? ; )

--I asked Merry and Happy about what Smiley had been doing during group time, and they did confirm that he was not going along with the hand motions or singing, and that he did lie down one time, and I guess overall he was not participating.  I asked Smiley about it, and he wanted to talk out of hearing of his sisters, and then he said he had been shy.  So, it does sound like his actions were being misinterpreted by everyone as immaturity--and what will happen to other shy kids who come? 

--And yet, maybe shyness leading to non-participation is immaturity. 

--Most importantly, Smiley is totally happy being back with his best buddy Hecho, and is building relationships with two other little boys that make me happy.  I do wonder what will happen in the future when we move him up again--is there some point at which they will realize he is a class behind his grade and want him to jump back up?  Or will Smiley realize at some point that he is not with the other boys in his grade and wonder why?  Ah, we will deal with such questions when they come.  For now, this is fine. 


Ok, so I think that covers everything.  Again, I really appreciated all of your comments and queries.  I believe it is really important that the church think through the messages we are sending our kids, and the things we are indoctrinating them into.  If what we are doing in any way hinders the Truth of God's love, Jesus's covering Grace, and the power of the Holy Spirit in our lives today, then it needs to change.  Maybe having so many homeschooling families at our church (15 so far!) will end up having a subtle effect on the church body in a good way. . . but I will trust God to lead me to know when to speak and when to be still.  This time I don't have any urge to speak, so am trusting I wasn't supposed to. : )

Much love to you all this fine Fall day!

Random update #1--In Which My Son Fails Sunday School

Smiley was demoted in Sunday School. 

This past August, on "Move Up Sunday," we dutifully moved him from the preschool room to the kinder room, even though he was sad to be leaving his best bud "Hecho," son of Rosa.  Then three weeks ago, the Children's Ministry leader approached me after Sunday School to gently confront me, and said she thought Smiley should move back down to the preschool room. When I asked why, she said because he was not participating as [she thought] he should during the large group time (when the k-5 kids get together in a larger classroom and sing and dance and watch a [really boring] cartoon Bible lesson.  I think she said he was laying down for part of it and must have seemed disinterested. . . which I have seen other kids do. . . .

Huh.  I just smiled brightly and said, "Oh, ok!" 

Smiley turned 5 in Sept and is officially a kindergartener.  He has also spent his entire "preschool" life participating in educational activities with children much older than himself.  He sits and watched long documentaries about nature and science and history--he watched the entire Ken Burns' "The West" series this past Spring, for heaven's sake.  The boy has a much better attention span than most his age.  At home, he dances and sings--with tutus to boot.  He listens well and has never seemed to demonstrate any inability to know what is expected and follow along.  He is a people person, and jumps right in with whatever playing is going on.  Other people love having him over at their houses because he is such a good little guy who is so easy to please, and who plays with others so well.

The leader is a lovely woman whom I have known for many years now and whom I like very much.  She is also a former public school elementary teacher.   I think it is safe to say this is a true case of homeschooler prejudice--clearly this poor boy is showing a lack of proper socialization, and does not know how a kindergarten boy should act.  Maybe I should teach him to hit other boys?  Or quickly and uncaringly color and complete whatever is placed before him and then run off to throw toys inappropriately? 

Ok, I realize I sound bitter, but I am seriously typing this with a smile.  Well, a wry smile.  I see this not as a flaw in the leader, but as an example of the faulty training she herself received.  I am sure the leader saw something in Smiley that made her think that was a wise choice, but I am seriously flummoxed.  I have volunteered in Sunday School many times now, and have a pretty good idea of what normal participation is, esp. for boys his age.  What I described above is how some (even older!) boys act each week, and I don't think the leader would approach their parents and suggest they need to be moved to a lower class. 

And interestingly enough, this is the EXACT kind of thing that happened to us when Sunny was actually in public kindergarten--she was omitted from things the rest of the class was doing because "she was too young."  Um, yes she was on the young end, but if the state says she should be here, then um, accommodate her!  Oh, wait--they did.  They pulled her out of the classroom to have special intervention with a special-needs aid.  Without talking to us about it first.  And similarly, we loved her kinder teacher, and thought she was awesome--but clearly there is something in the public school teacher mentality that has to take any kid who is odd or different and label them "special needs."  As in, "we need to fix that."

**Clarifier--Sunny probably was gaining good things from the attention she was receiving, working on gross motor skills and all that.  I have NO PROBLEM with my child spending time with an aide and a Down Syndrome girl.  Great!  She would not have qualified for an IEP anyway, so a little special attention on the sly--perfect.  But it was really disconcerting to feel like my child was being labeled, and then biased against, just because she was a little different.  And I don't think any child should be taken out of the classroom on a regular basis without the parent's knowledge and approval.  That felt creepy.

But back to Smiley--clearly my second "special needs" child.  ; ) Good thing, as a homeschool mom, I honestly don't care one whit what "grade" he is in.  And so the next week I got to tell him he could go back to his old classroom and get to be with Hecho!  Yay!  He was so glad, and actually I am too, because I realized there are two other little boys who had moved up to the class that I would like for him to befriend--one was recently adopted, and one is the son of a lovely fellow homeschool mom!  (And then the little adopted boy just last week choose Smiley to be his special guest at his birthday dinner--how special is that!  Clearly the boys are striking up a friendship, and I LOVE the parents, so that's all a win!)

So, really, it's all fine.  But I do still just have to smile sadly and shake my head.   I think VERY highly of public school teachers as a profession.  I do not even know how they do it--they seriously have one of the toughest jobs out there, and one of the most important.  Both my parents were public school teachers, and I think they were very good at what they did.  But I do have issue with some of the ways modern teachers are taught to think what Education is, and how best to impart it to young minds--and both DH (who volunteers in the Sunday School classrooms way more than I do) and I have complained to one another that too much of the way our (and probably most) Sunday School is run is very akin to public school, to its loss.

Maybe one of these days they need a homeschool parent in charge.  ; )  Now THAT would be fascinating to see!

Um, that makes me so tired just thinking about.  No, I'll leave the lovely leader to her post, and support her as much as I can.  Which in this case, means putting Smiley back into preschool and letting it go.  He's happy, she's happy, DH is disgruntled but what can he do, and I'm choosing to see it as Just One of Those Things That Ends Up For The Best Anyhow.  : )

On Gay Marriage--with more question marks than exclamation points

Sometimes when I am quiet on this blog it is because I am spending my blogging time writing on someone else's blog. Yes, that's the vanity of bloggers--getting so sure of our own voices that we jump into discussion elsewhere, assuming we are most welcome. ; )  I don't post long comments to other people's blogs often--just when it seems welcomed and warranted.  And sometimes it is better to blog elsewhere, where the topic has already been raised, then here on my own blog, where my opinions might make someone feel less welcome.  I would never want that!  I want this blog to be a safe place for people to visit--and I hope anyone who visits feels welcome and never attacked.  I also never want my visitors to think I am saying my perspective is the right one, and hope you all who read feel comfortable commenting and even disagreeing with me.  (As long as we all stay kind. : ) 

So, there are things going on in the world that I do have strong opinions about that I've never gone into on this blog.  Sometimes because I imagine you are as tired as I am of hearing about them!  And sometimes because I imagine you might be feeling like I am, that there is always someone pointing fingers and name calling those who disagree with them, and so you just don't want to go there.  It feels pretty much like a person is wrong for his or her own opinions about anything wherever they turn in the media/social media.  I might disagree with someone about something, but I try to always see where they are coming from, and affirm their right to their voice, and a different opinion.  At least, I hope I always do. 

Anyway, a few weeks back I was led to this blog post about different Christian perspectives on gay marriage.  It had some of the best dialogue (at least in the comments) I have come across in the whole big national debate--but most importantly, it had some of the most reasonable discussion.  It was a safe place to voice an opinion and be treated with respect.  So I ended up writing my own stance, which I decided to share with you here too:


I find myself in a fascinating place of “betweens”:

–Honored to have gay and lesbian friends and also very conservative Christian friends.
 
–Very aware that in Christ I have the full freedom to love them all, equally, without reservation.

–Christian, but fully aware that I do not (yet?) understand what God thinks about his gay children marrying, but do know that He loves them.

–Pro-civil unions, but saddened by the political usurpation of the covenantal term “marriage” (I think all legally-recognized unions should be civil, and the sacrament of Christian marriage should have nothing to do with the government–too late to turn back that clock, however!)

–Very glad that there are churches that welcome and embrace homosexuality, since I don’t (yet?) know what God thinks about it and gay marriage. But also proud of my church and pastors for not capitulating to cultural pressure to say it is Ok when they believe God’s Holy Word says otherwise. We are in one of the most liberal areas in the US, but our pastors and church body manage to walk that fine line of welcoming and truly loving people, but also not being ashamed to speak what they believe is God’s Truth. God is not politically correct, that I know for sure.

–Believing that our government did (albeit unintentionally) guarantee same-sex marriage in its original documents, when it built our nation upon the right to “pursue happiness.” But also believing that the church must not have the same definition of liberty—our definitions and understandings of such terms must come from Scripture, and from the closest, most accurate reading of it, regardless of whether or not it says what we want it to say.

–Wanting only the best for my GLBTQ (and whomever else I am omitting) friends, and those who are going to be entering into same-sex marriages. I am so happy for them for finding love, and do believe that ANY human love is the result of the lingering image of God within us—we can only love at all because of Him, so any love is worth celebrating—but yet if I do believe that same-sex love is not what God intended, and may be outside of His will for His beloved children, then how am I loving my GLBTQ friends by pretending all is well?

–Actually being quite comfortable with the conundrum above, since I believe we can love people fully, and speak the truth as best we know it, and still live in unity. But very few other people seem to be comfortable with it—needing others to think as they do.

–Really uncomfortable with ANYBODY, on either side of the issue, who claims complete authority about their interpretation of God’s word. Why don’t we hear more qualifiers when people write/speak? Whatever happened to phrases like “according to a traditional interpretation of Scripture. . . ” or “As best as I can understand this passage. . . “? Everyone writes as if they are the final word. (Kudos to Preston Yancey for his carefully-written stance.)

–Concerned that there is such a thing as a slippery slope—and while I completely agree with the commentator who said she would much rather be on the slipper slope with the Holy Spirit than on seemingly firm ground, it sure seems to me that there is historical precedent for and fine logical thinking behind some people bemoaning some of the potential places they foresee this historic moment taking us.

And speaking of which, I used to teach rhetoric at a large university, and taught my students to address “likely objections to their argument” in their persuasive writing. When I see Christians theorizing about the implications of cultural trends, and projecting the future path of our nation, I see a lot of negative backlash from those who disagree, but rarely a logical address of their insights and concerns. In other words, it is really easy to shout things like “hate speech!” and “homophobe” and “fear-monger!” but much less easy to form a clearly-articulated and well-reasoned address of the actual concerns raised. And NEITHER side is very good at anticipating and addressing “likely objections.” While I agree that the original authors of this post did not end up representing a very broad spectrum of opinions on this topic, I have appreciated that the comments section has been overall lucid, respectful, intelligent, and has better addressed dissenting views.

Just a few thoughts to add to the discussion. No human issues are only black and white, and I wish more people were willing to live in the “gray” spaces between. Not saying my “between” stance is the only correct one to have–and thus negating the very idea of it!–but saying I very much appreciate people who are willing to be vulnerable, and seek to understand others, and not claim to have all the answers, not even claiming to have all the questions, but doing their best to love no matter what.

______________

I didn't share the more personal stuff.  Like the fact that DH and I have gay and lesbian friends in real life.  That I actually believe there is nothing wrong with gay and lesbian relationships and believe I am not only called to love all people, but am called to be true friends with them.  I think they should be allowed to marry--in a legal espousement.  But I also think all this changes when the people in question are professing faith in Christ.  Then--I don't know.  I have read lots of theological views about why God does not want his children in homosexual relationships--and their interpretations of Scripture seem sound. Their arguments are logical.  I have also read arguments that attempt to prove that we have traditionally misinterpreted those same passages of Scripture, and God is not anti-homosexuality but actually anti-pederasty (for example). 

I need to tell you that I WANT to be convinced that God is fine with active homosexuality in his faith-professing children, and that He supports gay marriage.  But I have not been convinced--so far the interpretations and explanations of Scripture seem to make more sense the other way.  If anyone reading this wants to recommend a book that successfully posits the Bible as pro-gay stance, please feel free to recommend it. 

Most of all, I want to take God at His word, and not fall into the trap of reading into His word what I want it to say.

I am also confused because there is clear biological evidence that what we call gender is actually much more fluid in it's physical construct than we may have previously believed.  It is really a spectrum,  like so many other things about our physical/emotional/mental natures.  Our biology makes some men more slender and have higher-pitched voices--i.e. slightly more "feminine."  Similarly, some women are stronger and have lower voices--or more facial hair.  Do we say God messed up in making them?  That He clearly slipped a little too much of one gender into the batter on accident?  Or did He make them just like He wanted them--at just a  slightly higher or lower place on the spectrum than what we would expect?

Some people are born with both sets of genitalia, and their "true" gender is not even expressed until they hit puberty.  Again, did God mess up?  Is their condition the result of the Fall, and how all of creation has been perverted away from His original, perfect design?  Or are they perfect, just as they are? 

Some people are born with genetic variances so that they express one  gender their whole life--but in actuality their chromosomes are those for the opposite gender!  Yes, such things happen, and learning about them was the first thing that made me wonder if God might just actually make some people gay.  I strongly urge anyone who is also wrestling with these ideas to watch this video. 

Then again, being created physically to be "gay" might have nothing to do with what God expects of us in terms of Righteousness. 

And I firmly believe that God would not create anyone without any choice but to sin.  How could He? 

But I do also believe we can have genetic pre-disposition to things that could more readily lead us to sin--like chemical imbalances in the brain that are inherited by future generations (we are learning more about this all the time through research into epigenetics).  Also, there are things that we as humans are doing to our environment that are having consequences we never would have anticipated--so then do we say the gender expression differences that come from human meddlings are personal sin or "the sins of the fathers vested upon the children"?  Either way, what do we say to those men and women with corrupted DNA when they show up at church ready to profess faith in Christ but not ready to give up their same-sex partner and commit themselves to a life of celibacy? 

Sigh. 

So, that's why I wrote the above to that web dialogue--to represent the middle ground of people who just don't know what to think, and who don't assume they know what God thinks about it all.  I know what I *think* He says about homosexuality, and what I can then infer He thinks about gay marriage. But I also know Jesus wept.  He knows our human struggles and His heart broke for us--and His love covers all sin.  His quiet voice stills all confusion--but have we learned how to listen?  

I really appreciated this article for how it questioned why we as Christians are so up in arms over gay marriage, something Jesus did not specifically talk about in Scripture, when we are at the same time so conveniently ignoring other things He said loudly and clearly.  One of my favorite quotations from the piece:  "Maybe we should all be required to pick an issue that requires US to change and not OTHERS to change." Now that thought perfectly reflects Jesus. 

One book I just heard about yesterday, which I am now very interested in reading: The Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert: An English Professor's Journey Into Christian Faith by Rosaria Champagne Butterfield.  (Isn't her name straight out of a novel?)  She was a tenured professor at Syracuse, and a lesbian in a committed long-term relationship.  And then. . . God happened.

So, there you go.  I'm out of the closet, so to speak, about my feelings and thoughts about gay marriage.  To sum it all up: I don't know.

Last thought: DH's best friend from high school is a wonderful man named Chris.  He is gay, and when he was going to get "married" (way back when it just meant something to couples as a sign of personal commitment and had no blessing of the state) in Washington state, he invited DH to come.  DH went, gladly, wanting to share in his friend's happiness and show him love.  I remember when I told my parents he was going to do this--anticipating mild disapproval and disappointment, I admit--I was surprised and happy when my dad said, "Good for him."  He recognized that we show God's love to people by being in relationship with them. 

One of our pastors, Dan Kimball, said it this way in a sermon (my paraphrase): anytime a non-believer invites us into his or her life, that space is holy ground.

Anyone want to share more fodder for discussion?  Your thoughts are welcome!

Picturing unity and harmony--and questioning privacy

Finally, we have had a week of summer!  A week where we were home, without significant obligations except playdates with friends.  A week where we got to relax a little, and start to dream about what to do with out time for the rest of the summer.  A week of truly hot weather so that our little icebox got to live up to what it was built for--a just-right respite from the heat!

We started out this summer with a whirlwind of travel and company, and then went camping last weekend with a bunch of families from church--which was AWESOME.  If I had photos I would try to share it all with you, but even though we took our camera we never thought to get it out!  I guess that means we were fully immersed in the relaxed fun of every minute.

Big Basin State Park camping 2013--a new annual tradition (I hope!)

I will say one thing about why that weekend was so great--the people.  I don't think we would have had the same experience with different people. Nobody was uptight, no one had an agenda, no one put emotional stock into anyone else's choices.  Saturday night some people put their kids to bed early, and some people didn't, but nobody tried to get anybody else to go along with their own ideas of what was best for the kids--even those people with little ones did not try to make everyone else shush around the campfire, you know what I mean?  I realized that people just being themselves, and being ok with other people being themselves is what unity is about.  (And let's face it--us all being pretty similar overall in how we parent/live makes it a whole lot easier.) It is peaceful--it is fun.  It is what God has called us to be as a church body.  I loved seeing that play out in the real world!

Well, ok, camping is not exactly the real world.  But you know how camping kinda brings out who we really are?  When no one is wearing makeup and nobody had the greatest night's sleep and the kids are running amok and maybe not doing that well with the big changes in routine--and it was all just so grace-filled. 

This is not the first time recently I have experienced such wonderment at peaceful interactions in close quarters with other people:  while helping my parents start settling into their new house I had a similar revelation.  Carrying things into the house and helping unpack them was so much fun partly because nobody was uptight.  Nobody was stressed, or worried that we weren't handling things correctly, or frustrated that we might put something in the wrong place--we were trusted to be careful and ask questions, and my parents are just not the kind of people to fuss over little things, so I'm sure if they saw something put in the wrong place they would either ask us to put it elsewhere or make a metal note to move it later.  There was no "right way" to do things--and so then how could any of us be "wrong"?

My mother was a little blue, since she was missing their wonderful home and the town and people they loved back in IL, but she never turned those feelings into something that would hurt others.  In fact, she thought about them, and then shared with the rest of us how the move was reminding her of when they had to clear our her own mother's house after she died--thereby turning the negative feelings and thoughts inside of her into a bonding moment with her family. 

In start contrast is all the moving experiences we have had with DH's family.  We have been in the moving process with DH's parents several times now.  DH's father was so sweet to drive out to IL when DH and I got married and help take things back to CO.  They helped when we moved from our little apartment into our first home there in CO  (they also had helped us look for houses).  Then we helped them pack up their things when they moved their large household goods from CO out here to CA.  Then a few years later when we were going to come out to CA as well, they first helped DH clean the rental house we would be moving into and then orchestrated our move (we let them because they wanted to and we figured they were the experts, having been a military family and thus moving every few years all during DH's growing up) and even flew out to CO to drive the moving van and help us unload on the other end.  (I've mentioned it before--they go ALL OUT when they think their kids need them!)

But all of those times were also fairly unpleasant and stressful for everyone involved, and our big move from CO so much so that it became a major turning point in our relationship (in a very good, albeit very painful way).  So when we decided to buy this house (after renting elsewhere for the first 2 years) we chose not to even tell his parents about it--knowing they would hate the house and it would just lead to another big interpersonal mess.  Of course it was just postponing the inevitable, but we imagined the fallout would be less if the deed were done, and if it did not appear we were expecting their help/blessing with the move.  So actually they found out about the new house and the move when they wanted to go camping Labor Day weekend that year and we had to say, um, actually we are closing on our new house and moving in that weekend.  It was not at all a mature way to handle it, and we would do it a lot differently now--but I think that just goes to show how shell-shocked we were from how negative and stressful the previous moving/house-getting experiences had been. And then they still came down even after the shock--and the hurt--of us purposefully leaving them out of such an important life decision, helped with some cleaning, and then voluntarily left their motorhome with us so that we could live in it while we were painting the ceiling and refinishing the floors, and offered to take our then-toddlers Sunny and Merry back with them to Chico for a week so we could work most productively.

DH's parents are at their hearts such good people.  They only want the best for their kids, and they are willing to sacrifice enormously for their kids.  They put their money/time/energy/labor where their mouths are.  There is so much I want to commend them for!  So that's what makes it all the harder when the interpersonal dysfunction then twists all those good loving instincts into a weapon of discord. : (

ANYWAY, I realized there at my parents' new house with my sister and her family and my parents all working in harmony--it does not have to be hard.  It does not have to be stressful (I mean for those helping--I am sure my parents had their stresses!).  People can just come alongside one another and help each other, love each other in practical ways, and it can be pleasant and even fun.  I felt appreciated and helpful--instead of constantly chastised and fearful.  My best was good enough--and somehow that awareness just made me want to actively love them even more.  (I really need to figure out where I should apply this concept to my own parenting--and to my relationship with my MIL.)

I am so glad I had that time with my family working in harmony, and that time with the big group of families living (even if just rustically for a weekend) in harmony.  It is so good to be reminded--in a summer when we will undoubtedly be spending a lot of time with DH's parents--that it is possible.  And that it feels so good.  So God.  I hope that when we are with DH's parents we can contribute some of that relaxed, positive energy to the family time, and maybe even help remind them that such a dynamic is possible. : )

I realize I have been writing about my MIL a lot recently--way more than I ever have before!  And more intimately too--which gives me new reason to consider the appropriateness of doing so on a public blog.  I have always tried to write things that are true, that are not disrespectful, that I could say to my MIL's face.  But my recent writings really start to blur that line--I have been more critical, I think, and have been analyzing her, speculating about possible inner thoughts and expectations.  Whatever I write is not really about MIL, it is about me and whatever I need to know/can figure out to help make things better between us.  Whatever little glimpses I think the Holy Spirit is giving me into what is truth, or folly, or hubris, or self-fulfilling prophecy.  Most of all what He is teaching me about Love, and laying down myself fully.  My MIL is my thorn and my foil--clearly one of the most effective tools God is using to shape me into the creation He wants me to be.  I am sincerely thankful for her, in that regard, and trust completely that God is going to take us somewhere really good together!  So when I write about the things that happen that I am struggling with, or that I am learning from, it is just part of making sense of the journey. 

So with the big picture of my desire for growth and healing and restoration in mind, I think writing and sharing such things is ok.  I don't think it is slanderous, or disrespectful.  But that's different than it being wise.  So, I'm wondering if I should make this blog private.  Right now the settings are such that anyone who knows the blog name can find it, but search engines should not be pulling it up for random word hits.  That really narrows down the possibilities of MIL stumbling upon it accidentally.  I don't have this blog shown on my blogger profile, and am careful never to leave a link anywhere MIL might find it.  But we have had a few scares--like the time my sweet sister Rebecca wanted to share a post I had written on facebook.  Oh, I was flattered!  But that whole "friend of a friend" thing was too risky, so I had to ask her to remove it.  And my Blogspot address is very similar to my email address, so I have found that just by searching for the beginning of my email address with "blog" you can find this blog.  That is a little too close for comfort.

The only reason not to be private is so that I can easily invite others to come visit--how do you casually invite someone to stop by a private blog?  Being a regular visitor on so many other blogs, I really want them to be able to stop by my blog too, if they so desire, so they can "meet" the person who may very well be commenting on their personal life journey.  Then it feels like we are part of a supportive online community, a sort of family, and I'm not some faceless stalker.  (Well, ok, technically I am faceless on the sidebar, but that's because everything else about my blog represents me better than my face ever would!)

As always, I appreciate your kind advice. 

I promise I will have other things to share besides MIL musings next week!  Even if I don't, I'll post random pics or something. ; )  I hope you are all having a great weekend, wherever you are!

What We've Been Up To--The Abbey Art Show

This series I had been posting got broken up by the unexpected family heart drama, but I want to go back and wrap it up, since I had most of the posts half written and I know my mother and maybe some more of you would like to see the last things I had intended upon sharing. And because my brain gets sad when things are posted too illogically. : )

double-click to embiggen if you care to read about the show's formal objectives and criteria, or if you want to see any of the following art pieces a little closer.

Merry's piece, entitled "New Life on a Spring Day"

Happy's piece, "New Life"

A different view of the piece, to show how the butterflies' wings add a layer of extra dimension 

Sunny's piece, "Morning Has Broken"

The artists the morning of the art show opening, with their pieces behind them

This show was so fun to organize, although it was a lot of work.  This was not just a show for the Vintage Homeschool kids, but for homeschool kids county-wide!  So it also served as a bridge-building event between our church and the un-churched local homeschool community--there were lots of families who participated, and who came to the opening party, who avoid churches and who had never set foot in the Abbey before.  They were all very positive about the experience, so I hope we helped generate some goodwill in the local community.

The artist/teacher who is the Art Director at the Abbey Coffee Lounge (the non-profit coffee shop that is part of our church) is a woman from church with whom I am friendly, so I had asked her last Fall if there would be a possibility of a homeschool art show sometime, and she said we could put up a show for Easter and leave it up the month of April.  So that was another bonus in my mind of the show's timing--the theme "New Life" allowed some of the Christian kids to be natural witnesses by making their art celebrate Easter and what Christ did on the cross for all peoples, but it also allowed kids to have more Spring-ish pieces or other creative interpretations of the theme.

When we were hanging the art, the Art Director said it was the best school show she has seen there.  I was so proud of the kids!  She also commented on how smart it was for me to have the two required elements to the show--the conceptual theme of "New Life" and also a construction theme of "layers"--because it likely led to more thoughtful, exploratory, and purposeful art.  I was so glad to hear that, because that was exactly why I did it.  Knowing the homeschool families who would likely be participating, and how child-led their schooling is, I knew there was a real possibility some kids might scribble with crayons and call it a day and their parents would submit it to the show.  So, I purposefully made the requirements more stringent to keep that from happening, and I was so glad to hear a "real" artist affirm that call.  My decision to use the black matte boards for visual cohesion also worked really well--look at how fabulous and "serious" the kids' works look on that wall!  (There was another whole wall of art as well in the hallway leading to the church offices, but since my kids did not have art on that wall I was not including those pics here.)

This was the first time I ever curated an art show, and it was so rewarding!  To be honest, it was such a hard Spring for me it felt really good to have one thing work out well--to feel like all the time and energy put into something was worth it.  Let's just say, I poured my self into other things this Spring that did not end up being rewarding, and were even a little soul-sucking.  So looking back on this event makes me happy.

(Although I should also say that the whole taking down and parents picking up their art aspect has been a nightmare, involving many hours and much fruitless planning on my part, and it is still not over--there are STILL three pieces of art sitting out in the upstairs church office hallway over the Abbey, which of course I feel still responsible for, and am worried custodians or other church people might end up annoyed over, and which of course I tried to hand over responsibility for to the parents multiple times. . . but even if the parents have had plenty of warning, and the show has been over for a month now, how can I just stick their children's masterpieces in the trash?  Sigh.  Just goes to show there are often a lot more hours of involvement and psychological weight behind one little date on my Spring plan.)

Still, I'll choose to remember just the fun and good in this event. : )  It was so worthwhile.

prioritizing energy, time, service

I'm still trying to work through some of the issues I raised in my last ultra-long and boring post--you all know you never have to read the posts in which I am thinking out loud, right?  I write them because they are such excellent ways to work through whatever it is I'm thinking about, and only post them because sometimes one of you emails or comments that you have been thinking about the same things and it was helpful.  Great!  But the rest of you--no offense taken if you wait for photos or humorous out-takes on life in the Little House in the Little Woods. 

So, the issue I was last working through was how God wants me to spend my time and energy right now, here at the start of a new school year, and in this season of my life.  With Smiley now suddenly a little boy and no longer a toddler (seriously--last Spring he was a toddler, and even before we started the trip back from my parents' I noticed how he had grown and matured while we were there!), and with my other girls getting so big and so much more helpful (and even pretty happy to be helpful, when they feel like it ; ), I am feeling bright-eyed and clear-headed and pretty energetic, and even though I have a LOT of things around here I want to do, I am also feeling like I have some wiggle room--and am thinking God might want to use me this Fall semester to serve him in new ways.  I don't mean full-time committment stuff, like joining a choir or heading up a committee, but just having the resources in a week to help and love and support the families he puts in my path.  Things like having some of our friends over for school once a week, or once every other week, so their moms can have time to work, which would bless their families through a time of transition.  Or to make an organic, raw, vegan meal for a family who is facing cancer (and who are using those dietary choices to help fight the cancer)--they have so much to bear, and I can be a blessing to them, even in a little way.  Or to give a date night to a friend who says she and her husband desperately need one.  All of these specific needs are real ones that have come up before me in this past week, things I will try to make happen, to bless these women, these families with that little extra bit of resource I'm feeling I have right now. 

But of course all things need to be in balance, and that's going to be the struggle for me. 

Case in point--I was asked to give announcements yesterday at the 9 a.m and 11 a.m. and 7 p.m. services at our church worship gatherings.  Being momentarily full of energy and optimism, and a desire to serve the Lord wherever He can use me for this season, I said yes.  I was doing annoucements at the beginning of the service, praying before worshipful giving, and then at the end of the service coming back up and inviting people to come pray with someone at the prayer cove, telling visitors where to go if they want more information about our church body, and giving a benediction.  Now, our church is no mega-church with thousands of people, but it is also not small, so of course you can imagine  how doing that might make one's stomach churn a bit.  On one hand, getting up in front of a lot of people is no big deal for me--I was a theatre major, after all, and have taught university students and MC'd film screenings and hosted the SoulKitchen "Conversations," and have even been up in front doing this same thing at least twice before.  But on the other hand, it does not happen so often that it is easy, and the whole time I'm waiting to go up and while I am up there I am really focusing energy to not forget all the things I am supposed to say, and when, and how to say them to sound easy and welcoming and not completely petrified.

And really, it went fine yesterday.  Well, it had its moments: at the first service I started to introduce myself and then all of a sudden the microphone went out and music from some Christian CD filled the air (I think it was the music that had been playing in the sanctuary before the worship music began) and no one could hear me so I stopped talking and just looked up at the sound booth (in the old choir loft) and waited for them to resolve the problem, and when it did not immediately I just smiled and looked at the congregation and started to sway-dance to the music, and when it stopped and the mic came back on, I just said, "Well, that was fun," and they laughed and I launched into the annoucements.  At the second service I realized I had forgotten to say something at the beginning, so I just added it to what I said at the end of the service.  And then at the last service, someone walked off with the hand-held mic I was supposed to use during the service (probably our pastor, who had introduced the guest speaker--thanks Dan Kimball!), so I had to scoot the worship leader aside and strain to use his mic on a stand (I tried to adjust it down, but it was hard to move).  All in all, enough little flubs that I could have been easily flustered and thrown off and not able to speak easily and with confidence. 

And see, that is one reason why I am glad they asked me.  Maybe there are only so many people who are comfortable getting up and speaking in front of large rooms of people, and maybe there are only so many who can do it with seeming ease to help everyone in the room feel comfortable, and maybe there are only so many who could do all that while little things are going wrong to slip them up and make it that much harder.  But that's where my theatre training comes in hand--the show must go on and all of that.  (Once when performing my senior showcase piece there at Taylor University, the powerful, climactic scene from "The Children's Hour," a junebug flew in through the open stage door and right up my dress, with a loud buzz.  I loathe junebugs--strange since I rather admire beetles in general--and immediately screamed and stomped and beat at my skirts until I was sure it was gone--and then took a deep breath and resumed the scene as if nothing had happened. ; )  So if there are not really that many people who could serve in our church body like that, then I am happy to be of service.

And yet. . . doing that one bit of service really wiped me out for the whole day.  DH had to work in the middle of the night (of course they do computer updates on their system when the least number of people will be wanting to use it, usually 3 am on a Sunday morning) so I got all the kids ready and to the church by 8:30, which I am pretty sure is a record for us.  We were there until 1 p.m. and then headed back home, where I rustled up lunch for my crew and then crashed and napped and then laid and read most of the afternoon--I just felt weary to my very bones!  I was reminded yet again that I am at heart an introvert, and get energy from being alone and quiet; being around people--much as I love it--drains me completely.  Then I made dinner for everyone and headed back out at 6:30, made it just in time, and got home a little before 9:30.  And so, that was pretty much my whole day. 

(It really makes one thankful for the people who do this every Sunday, there for all three services every week, doing what needs to happen to create our worship gatherings!)

So I had to wonder--ok, so I can do this in service for the Lord.  But should I? 

Was serving in that way a good use of my time and energies?  The fact that I alternated between stress and collapse throughout the day seems to indicate maybe not.  (But yet, if I only do it once in a while, it's ok to spend the day like that, right? It is a day of rest, after all, which is exactly what I spent much of the day doing.)  And the fact that it was harder to take care of my family--but not impossible in the least, so better planning (like having food made ahead of time) would solve that.

But see, I don't imagine that I will be doing this particular service all that often.  (Except several people in charge said I was a natural. That could be dangerous.)  This was just an example of how I need to evaluate how I think I should be spending my time and energy this Fall. 

So I sat down to try to figure out what the hierarchy seems to be--what makes sense to do, with all my given resources?

And I came up with this prioritization:

In my day:
--first, pay attention to God (read His word, ask Him to make His plan for me clear for the day, bring into my path the people He wants me to love on.)  My spirit needs this for wise mommying and homewifery as much as my body needs food and water.  How will I make good decisions with my time and energy if I am not asking the Holy Spirit to help me distinguish between wise and foolish choices?  Something can look good and wise from the world's view, but not be what God wants me to do, and He's the one who knows best.

--second, self-care.  This one seemed at first like it should be at the bottom of the list, since it felt selfish to put care for myself above caring for my family.  But then I remembered the old comparison between effective mothering and the first rule of airplane safety, which is put on your own air mask before helping others, so that you can help others.  Also, I made the important distinction between self-care and self-soothing.  Tea and chocolate are not self-care, they are my escapes, so they do not take priority over my family. But being wise to eat and get myself ready for the day so that I am ready to take care of my kids--that is necessary self-care, and if I don't do it, I am a much worst mommy, a much poorer servant of the Lord.

--third, my husband.  I know, this is another one that did not feel like it was in the right order.  It seems natural to put the children first, since they are the ones who actually depend upon me for everything.  Ok, sometimes it feels like my husband depends upon me for everything, as I jokingly posted on facebook last week:
DH: So, what is there to eat?
Me: Did you not see the food on the table?
DH: Was it covered?
Me: No, it is sitting there waiting for you. You know, you have the worst foraging skills. I'm doubting this whole Eagle Scout thing.
DH: Well, I found you.

But really, we all know that a good marriage is the foundation for a strong, happy family.  So, it is logical that he should come first in my attention on any given day.  And yet, how often do I actually live this out?

--fourth, my kids.  And this includes cooking nutritious meals for them, clothing them, making sure they get rest, etc. as well as listening to them, helping them learn whatever they need to know to mature into their best adult selves.  They are my most important mission field, and deserve the best of my time and energy.  So taking care of the first things on this list is essential to being the best mommy so that I can love and serve and rear them as I know I am supposed to.  Isn't that something--to think that there are three steps of priority before them, but which all lead to them?


--fifth, school.  Homeschooling is important, and is one of my main jobs at this stage in our family life, and I want to do a good job at it.  This was a good one to get into its proper place on the priority list, because I tend to give other things (like playdates and my own home projects) priority over school.  I mean we do school, but I allow these things to keep me from schooling them my best.

--fifth, home maintenance.  Taking good care of my home is not nearly as important as the other things, but still needs to happen on a daily basis or our home quickly slips into CHAOS (Flylady speak for "Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome").  It is another kind of care for my family and for me, really, and I can't effectively teach or minister to others if my house is wreck.  I need to give home-care it's proper care and attention in order for us to thrive as a family.  But it is not more important than other things, so this seems to be a good place for it in the hierarchy.


So, that is how far I got with the list.  So where does service fit in?  Seems like it must come below all of these--that these items are pretty non-negotiable in their placement.  And where do special projects come in, like my eBay clothing listings, online research or house projects?  And where does blogging fit in? ; )  So this is where I need to ask God to give me wisdom is knowing how to plan my days and weeks and even months, to show me how and when to serve and love--when to make dates to spend time with friends, when to offer my help to friends, when to say yes to requests for help at church. 

But two things I did figure out with this helpful exercise:

1) Self-soothing is at the very bottom of the priority list.  But I need to mentally distinguish between it and self-care better in my mind so I neither neglect myself nor focus on myself to the exclusion of my other priorities. 

2) If I can't do the things on this priority list well, then I really have no business adding to it. 

So, there are where my thoughts have led today.  I would love to know if any of you are working through similar things, and coming up with your own conclusions about what you are supposed to be doing at your particular season of life.  Let's share our wisdom with one another!

Tuesday morning worship

These are all songs they play sometimes at our church during worship, which I'm singing and dancing (and just a little joyful crying) to this morning:

(Remember to double-click on the image to watch full-screen in youtube)

(ignore the cheesy images and just listen to the music)

This next one that God used to totally minister to me back on New Years when my in-laws were here and I was struggling and vulnerable. I shared it on facebook a short while back, but it has been my favorite song recently, and is totally worth sharing here too:



Ok, listening to this just now again while picking up the house, I was crying and literally jumping and dancing, unabashedly.  This song is where God has me!


These are all songs you might hear us singing at Vintage Faith church in Santa Cruz on any given Sunday.  And I just found on youtube a clip of Josh Fox, our music director, leading worship at a conference with a song he wrote that we often sing at church.  So, this isn't our church (you can find other clips of it on youtube if you are curious) but it is a good glimpse into my usual Sunday morning worship (except for the praying in a middle of a song thing--we don't normally do that).

Or Tuesday morning worship, as it might be.




I would absolutely love to know what music is stirring your heart this week.  Does not have to be a religious song--what is moving you, has meaning for you where you are? 

Blessings upon you, wherever life finds you this day.

Conversation and dishes

(A representation of me and Rosa in the kitchen; 
photo from Father Knows Best.
Yes, He does. ; )

I wanted to write one more thing about the Conversations I was telling you about here.  You see, I'll bet you will be surprised to hear what my absolute favorite part of the three-part series was: doing the dishes!

When I accepted responsibility for the hostessing and desserts, I decided to try to see if we could make these events as waste-free as possible. (With the goal of all SoulKitchen events eventually being almost entirely waste-free, and then using those examples of successful "greening" to encourage our whole church to strive for less waste at church events.) We are so fortunate, because when Vintage Faith first started, it was in partnership with two other churches--Santa Cruz Bible, which birthed it, and the local First Presbyterian church which opened it's campus to share, and then two years later officially joined with Vintage as one body. It is a really beautiful and rather amazing story of churches behaving well, which I won't go into now, but is important simply because when we moved to the First Pres "campus" (really just three buildings, but they are spacious and flexible, and have tons of storage, which has opened up all kinds of ministry and fellowship opportunites, such as the creation of the Abbey coffee lounge), it was an old congregation with all the wonderful acoutrements of old-fashioned church life, like a huge kitchen and loads of official church dishes!

The building which houses the kitchen (and gym) is in sore need of some renovation and all-around loving, and so the kitchen now sees more use for handy-man storage, an impromptu artists' studio, and various church projects than it does anything involving food. It is slightly sawdusty and the floor is drop-clothed and filthy, and you can't get to some of the cupboards easily for the sawhorses and work-spaces in the way--but under the neglect, it is still a wonderful, large, well-designed kitchen, with so many work areas. It is a space that is heavy with nostalgia--such as the large cupboards that Rosa found out the First Pres women used for raising their homemade bread during the service, so then they would be ready for baking after, I assume to then be eaten during some church-wide dinner or fellowship time.  

 I had never really used the kitchen before--but it seemed like the right time to start.  So on the first night of Conversations, I went early and got coffee cups and dessert plates out of the big cupboards (which had been languishing in disuse so long they had to be wiped clean before we could use them) and stacked them on an industrial stainless steel cart with shelves, and wheeled them all to the rooms where we had tables set up and decorated.  We arranged the plates and cups on the table near the coffee and tea, and had a beautiful, welcoming spread for all the ladies who came.  As women were leaving, they just placed their dirty dishes back on the cart, and then my dear Rosa and I wheeled the cart back to the kitchen. 

(Actually, the wheeling to and fro was the only element of the whole endeavor that gave me any trepidation--since we were wheeling the cart outside, around the perimeter of the buildings  on sidewalk that was often slanted for handicapped access.  As the dishes rattled and bumped and slid in subtle increments, Rosa and I would wince, easily imagining the din of kamikaze crockery smashing on the flagstones, thus signaling the end of our "greening" scheme.  I'll brainstorm a more secure transport for the next series of Conversations--but for this last series, the God who keeps his eye on the sparrow was merciful with us and kept his eye on the saucers too.)

Once safely back in the kitchen, we simply wheeled the cart over to the oversized stainless-steel double-sink, well-positioned on an island to be accessible from either side.  One sink filled with hot soapy water, the other with cool rinse water, and the drainboard on the end--the ideal situation for efficient washing up.  (And one of many thoughtful and practical elements that suggest ladies well versed in kitchen duties were instrumental to its design.)  Rosa and I bustled cheerfully about that big, companionable sink for an hour after each night's event--and each time, it was the best part of the whole evening.  Seriously--she and I are good friends, and share the same desire for our church as a whole to be as healthy and sustainable as possible, so the joint activity was natural and satisfying.  But the Conversations we had together there in the kitchen over the big sink of soapy water--they were so deep and special.  We've known each other for years, and yet those nights we learned so much more about each other--real stuff, important stuff.   

(This was us on the inside.)

It was just Rosa and I, late at night in a church kitchen, hands and hearts and words happily engaged.  And yet, there was something else, something almost tangible, heavy in the air as we worked, something whispering in the backs of our minds.  For our little efforts washing dishes--there in the space we had reclaimed in the dirty, uncherished kitchen--seemed symbolic of the overall purpose of SoulKitchen, which is encouraging women to make spaces in their lives for greater depth with God and one another. 

In fact, our official SoulKitchen Vision Statement reads:

SoulKitchen exists to create opportunities for women to know and love God more. To know, love and invest in each other and to study and dialogue about issues of life and faith.  

It is clear how the whole Conversations events so perfectly fit this vision, as I described it in that earlier post--ahhhhh, so beautiful to see our ministry goals fulfilled, so satisfying to see women's needs and desires being met.  It was literal fulfillment of the vision.  But the time I had afterwards, washing dishes with Rosa, felt symbolic of the spiritual fulfillment of the vision.  Those dishes were like us women, created to be used, created to serve, to nourish, to bring pleasure. If we are not being used, if we are not in service, we lose purpose.  We become purposeless.  We might even feel unloved.  Forgotten.  Unappreciated.  Unfulfilled.  

Oh, yes, and there was even symbolism in the very nature of our embracing the kitchen and traditional "women's duties"--long seen in our recent culture as symbols of female oppression and devaluation--and not fearing some kind of diminishment by them.  It is a sad fact that the very social movements that helped women feel restored to public worth stigmatized and decried their life-giving labors in the kitchen.  Doing dishes, especially by hand--esp. in this age of modern conveniences--is considered more than a chore, more like an affront, an offense--and the women who do them pluckless, self-limiting drudges. 

I know of a lot of women who only use disposable plates at home for all their everyday meals--not because they have real reason to, but because somehow the whole idea of dishwashing is beneath them, not worth their time or thought. (And I also know women who use disposable plates regularly who have darn good reason to--I'm not throwing stones at anyone, least of all a mother who sees disposable plates as the last tenuous thread between herself and the abyss of insanity. ; )   

But how sad, that such a simple and instantly gratifying task has become so denigrated.  And how--because of the same mentality spreading to churches of disposable dishes seeming to be an acceptable (and even preferrable) substitute for physical acts of kitchen service--the bountiful resource of the church kitchen has fallen into disfavor and disuse.  But to what extent might our waste of such material resources mirror an unsustainability of our modern spiritual life--that we are taking our freedoms and blessings too much for granted, and the focus of our service is very subtly ourselves?  That we are missing out on the blessings that come hand-in-hand with cheerful labor done unto the Lord?  That we are missing the concept that any task necessary to the fullness of church life is not a burden, but a grace-exuberant opportunity to participate in, choose even, our daily renewal.     

And what other humble kitchen task but washing dishes could so perfectly reflect the purifying of the spirit by immersion in the Spirit? 

So, for all these reasons, starting off this new ministry to women by freeing those dishes from the cupboards, rinsing them clean, putting them in the worthwhile service for which they were created--it gave the labor such a subtle, beautiful hint of redemption.  Of restoration.  Of rejuvination.  Our few hours of washing and rinsing and drying and stacking were holy service, truly Souls in the Kitchen, so retro and so divine. 

As I wrote in an email to the SoulKitchen leaders later, I can see word leaking out, other women getting a whiff of something intriguing, something appealing, something special happening in the kitchen--and them wanting to be in the kitchen too.  : )  As they should--it's truly the best part of the whole shebang.  Coming to a Conversation, being fed, being heard--that is so good.  Leaving a Conversation with a desire for more, for going deeper, for being fully Used in the service of Love, for seeking ways to give ourselves over to the Spirit for renewal--that is so, so, so, so Good. 

I thanked my fellow SoulKitchen ladies for humoring me in my "green" urges.  I'm not just being on some environmental band-wagon--there is so much meaning in that kitchen time, which we as sisters in service should strive to reclaim as a whole body (body of women, church body), for growing our fellowship and increasing our praise.

I also stressed to my SK sisters that I was NOT saying they all had to have the same values, or think they "should" help in the kitchen.  No guilt or nothing here!  Same goes for any of you women in ministry (or in your homes) looking at your paper plates. ; )  I just wrote all this to share how using one of my Gifts (serving) in combination with one of my personal values (going greener) behind the scenes in service to God and His daughters felt SO GOOD.  That is what I want to encourage in all of us!  Regardless of how (or whether or not) God has already brought us to whatever ministries He deemed fit, He might have special new, little areas for each of us to step out in and really bloom!

My sisters in spirit, this is my prayer for all of you!  Be creative, listen to the nudging of the Spirit, think about what is most important to you, and then do a little something to bless others.  It cannot help but bless you too.

And local readers (Jen, I'm talking to you!)--if you hear about the next round of Conversations, likely happening at the beginning of summer, please consider coming! 

(And nobody worry that I'm going to drag you into the kitchen afterwards. It's an invite only scene--but if the Holy Spirit invites you, you are more than welcome! : )

Conversations

Isn't this the cutest postcard?  (double-click to embiggen)

My dear Becky--my fellow sister in ministry--created them to pass out at church and at the Abbey coffeehouse to  advertise the series.  

Something that has been part of my life recently, but which I have not yet had a chance to write about, was a three-part series of "Conversations" our church's ministry for women (SoulKitchen) just finished.  Basically they were casual but structured evenings where women could come, have coffee and desserts, and get to know one another and share in small groups about their ideas on/feelings about/responses to/experiences with things that matter.  

We planned this series because for years women at our church have been asking for social events for women, but yet they don't want to do anything the least bit "fluffy," or pedantic, or silly. As a new ministry, we tried out several different things over the years to meet this desire/need, but nothing had an overwhelming response from the women in our church community.  Then we came up with the idea of "Conversations" last year, but did not have a cohesive vision of what they would look like.  Somehow at our annual all-day SoulKitchen planning meeting this past January, the vision and the details just seemed to come together without us even having to think very hard.  Three topics immediately came to us, and they seemed just right.   We thought of three women we would ask to lead the discussions, and they all said yes.  The series seemed almost effortless to plan (and has been overall very easy to execute), which has made it feel all the more like it was God's idea and not really ours.

And, to prove that last point, the event has been way more successful than we ever would have anticipated.  The first night--on the topic of "Difficult Relationships"--we had over 70 women come!  So many that we had to move from the cozy room we had set up to the main sanctuary across the way!  And even more amazing, there was an incredible spirit amongst the women there, of openness, vulnerability, honesty, and a deep desire to be real with one another.  WOW. 

So for the second night in the series we planned accordingly and set up the Sanctuary as our space for the rest of the series, and while we did not have as many women come (about 40 I'm guessing), the conversation within the groups and in the larger group was still so wonderful--heartfelt, wise, warm, encouraging.  (And since the topic for the second week was Parenting, I was really thinking about the things I've been experiencing in my own home with my kids, and getting some excellent Perspective!)

It feels like we finally hit upon what women in our church body are wanting, needing.  I sure know I enjoyed--and was very much blessed by--almost every single minute. I was one of the planners for the series, and was the organizer of the desserts, and the official hostess and MC for all three nights.  Basically I helped get things ready, and did all the crowd management and up-front speaking before and after that evening's facillitator led the Conversation.  Each night a different woman from our church body would present information and generate ideas about that evening's topic of discussion, and lead discussion questions for the rest of us to discuss in small groups.  So much sharing and thoughtfulness and reflection--so much fodder for the spirit and the mind!

The last night was on Identity, and again there was so much good stuff!  Alas, for any of these topics I don't think I can do the ideas we worked with justice--at best I can share a few ideas that are for me to keep processing:

--during our Parenting discussion it hit me that we talk about "raising children."  Hold on--we're supposed to be raising the next generation of  "adults"!  As in, that is the end goal, and yet if we are always thinking about raising "children," how a very subtle shift of expectations pops up in the culture, and this could very well partly explain why we HAVE raised a whole generation of adult children.  That is, grown-ups who demonstrate the actions and apparent understanding of children.  Really good for me to consider.  I have always said I'm going to have "young adults" and not "teenagers"--making a distinction between preparing our kids for adulthood and letting them wallow in rebellious, self-indulgent delayed childhood (see, again, I could be describing much of our adult culture at large!).  So, really, I've always had the expectation, but now see how I need to shift my thinking even away from the teen years as some magical demarcation, and start parenting my kids with adulthood in mind now.  I'm raising little grown-ups now, and thinking of it that way is so freeing to me!  Because of every argument or sassy tone or poor choice now is not them failing at being good kids, it is them practicing at being good adults!!!!  Ok, most of you probably figured this out a long time ago.  But you know how you know something in your head, but don't really understand it?  Now I feel like I get it!  I'm not a failure as a mom because they are doing these things over and over--my parenting is not futile, I'm not ruining them.  They are not perfecting their good little kid skills and thus making me look good (and feel good) for the time being--they are practicing social and self-governing skills and thus learning character that will serve them so much better (Lord willing) for the rest of their lives.

(I know I'm not writing at my most lucid at the moment, but I have been working on this post since last Sunday, and just want it finished and out of my head. So, pardon whatever mistakes you find in my writing, gaps in my explanations, or jumps in my reasoning.)

There was another idea that hit me after this week's "Identity" Conversation, but even though it seemed so Important at the time, it was so late at night when I got home and I was so tired but yet wired, that I don't rember it.  Sigh.  I'm going to need some time to reflect back on the things we had been discussing so I can see if it comes to me (and maybe quiz my dear Rosa to see if I relayed any brilliant ideas to her in the church kitchen during cleanup afterwards).  So if I remember anything in particular, I'll let you all know later, in case it is interesting/useful to any of you as well. : )

 

But I must say, many times through those three nights of Conversations, I thought of all you friends and family who visit this blog!  You would have fit right in, and would likely have enjoyed the discussions very much.  I love it when we have "conversations" here on this blog, and only wish we could do it in real life!

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