looking forward to Christmas, and praying for peace

So, I really debated whether or not to share those letters I wrote.  On one hand, it is very personal, and it seems a little vulnerable to share here.  On the other hand, I have a feeling that I am not the only one out there who has been struggling with loving someone, fully, even if it is hard.  I also have gotten the feeling--from past comments, from posts on other blogs, from conversations with friends--that other women my age are struggling with receiving gifts from parents/in-laws/grandparents, who may be giving with loving intentions but with an overabundance, or without carefully thinking of the family's spac, values, etc.  It is soooooooo hard to talk about gift giving, and how it can be done with greater thought and care, without hurting someone's feelings.   Or without sounding like the biggest, ego-centric grinch. 

It was especially hard to write that second letter to MIL, because I know it sounded so rude and selfish, like it is "all about me."  But that was the problem--I could only write my side of the issue, talk about my feelings, and what would help me feel loved in gift-giving.  I could not talk about her--that's not my place.  And I chose not to write from the perspective of what I want her to do, because I don't want to be telling her what to do--that's not my place either, and that is certainly rude to be telling someone they have to get you such and such gifts.  So instead of saying "I would really appreciate gifts like this." I phrased it as I did: "I feel loved when I receive a gift like this."  I chose that phrasing to emphasize feeling loved--because isn't that the goal, to give gifts to one another so they feel loved?  I also chose that wording because it does not focus on past gift-giving, but on the present and the future of our gift-giving.  It was really hard, too, because that wording--"I feel loved when"--really does sound all self-focused.  Like it's all about me.  It leaves me open to that negative interpretation, and also to the vulnerability of expressing desires that the person on the other end now has the perceived power to honor or to not. 

So, I chose vulnerability, and openness.  Even though it made me look like a schmuck.

And lo and behold, while MIL did not acknowledge the first letter--which did not surprise me--she did the second, and sent me an email, which opened up a dialogue, of sorts.  I debated about sharing that too, since it is one thing to share what I write and say, but another thing to share what someone else does.  But in the end, I decided in this case it is ok, since her correspondence with me was not at all personal, and does not show her in a negative light in the least.  What it does show is how hard it is for us to engage in meaningful dialogue about the things that come between us, how hard it is to work through them.  It is almost like we speak different languages.

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Just got your letter but don't have time to read it as we're off to the church musical....

but just so you know...

I think your generation is too interspective..... (trying to psyco-analyize everthing that drives our generation crazy)

Our generation is doers....

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Hope you had a good time at the church musical. We were at [Merry] and [Sunny]'s music recital. They did a really nice job.

I took video of their performances, so if they turn out well, I will share them on facebook. (Last time the sound was not good enough, but we'll see!)

It may be my generation, or it may just be me. ; ) If your generation are "doers," then just let me know what you want to "do."

I understand that you are very busy, so you can decide if/when you have time to read the letter. I wrote it only in case it could be a beginning

of dialogue between us on some things that seem to be hindering our relationship. I wrote my perspective, and you just give your perspective

back whenever/however you see fit. I will look forward to hearing whatever you want to share of your own needs, wants, hopes, etc.

Hope you both have a good weekend.


lisa

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P.S.

I am a financial analyst....

"One" and "One" equals two.....

It just is...

I don't ask the "1" how it feels, I really don't care. Is it a "1" or not. If it is it goes here, if it isn't it goes there....

Get it?

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Hmmmm. I understand your words, but not the analogy, how this idea relates to you and I and more loving gift-giving and receiving. I want to understand your thoughts on the matter, so we can keep growing in unity the way God desires. So if you have a chance to expand this idea, I will be glad to listen.

lisa

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what I'm saying is I don't like analysis....

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Ok, then. We don't have to talk about the "why's" (analysis), we can just skip to the "what's" (practical solutions). Can you suggest some ways we can do things differently in the future so neither one of us ends up frustrated with our gift-giving and receiving, and no one's feelings get hurt unintentionally?

lisa

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No... we either give something or don't and the person either accepts it or doesn't.

I think we're from two different generations :)

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Ok. I just wanted you to know I care and that I don't want "stuff" to hurt our relationship any more. : )

lisa

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It was so frustrating, to be emailing back and forth, actually "talking" about this issue that MIL has said has really hurt her and will likely continue to hurt her, but without anything getting resolved.  BUT I really appreciated that she acklowledged the letter, and her tone at the end was postive--see the little smiley emoticon?  She was letting me know that she did not want to fight, and really just wanted to pretend all is fine. 

And that IS fine.  We can move forward with even that much understanding.  And if/when the issue comes up in the future, I can remind her of this conversation, and see if I can get her to verbalize a little more of what she wants us to do in the future so she knows we are really trying to be considerate of her feelings.  So she feels our love.  But the really good thing about all this--the letters and the ensuing emails--is that I feel absolved from the conflict.  I feel like I genuinely did my best to resolve the issue, and while we did not actually resolve it, I did my part--so I don't have to feel ANY guilt any more.  None.  And I have been feeling guilt (and someone has been wanting me to feel guilt) for years.  I feel like I am out from under a huge weight!

I know the problem is not actually solved, and the conversation will continue.  But at least I feel like we can start afresh now, this Christmas, and move forward in freedom and love.  That is huge for me, and I hope MIL feels even a little of the same. 

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My relations and friends who pray, I do have a request, though.  There have been other signs (besides that email conversation, and just recently) that STUFF might be something Satan uses to cause more conflict this Christmas.  I think DH's parents are really truly vulnerable to this attack, particularly this year.  And for some trully bizarre reason, DH and I have had two semi-bad arguments just in the past two days.  Seriously, after the second one this morning, I am starting to feel like this is also spiritual attack, that the Deceiver might be trying to get us on edge and disunified before we even get up to DH's parents' place, so we will be even more vulnerable to conflict, hurt feelings, misunderstandings, etc.  Will those of you who understand what I am talking about please pray for me, for DH, for his parents this weekend? 

.   .   .   .   .   .   .  .

My friends, family, readers,

I am praying all of you have a safe, PEACE-FILLED, wonderful Christmas weekend.