concepts to ponder for the day: confrontation and grace

My post yesterday was actually the beginning of a series of posts that have been brewing in my mind for some time now, having to do with the fact that I am suddenly finding myself in an awkward confrontational position in so many areas of my life.  Like all of a sudden I am being required to think and write to other people about various perceived injustices and wrongdoings and make firm but loving defense of myself. . . .  Why is there seeming to be a pattern to it?  What do you want me to get from this, God?

I know this series can be coming off as self-righteous hubris of the worst kind--how full of myself do I have to be to actually cut and paste in my blog the things I am saying to other people, as if you should care, as if I am just so clever, as if I think I am all that? So it is awkward too, that I feel compelled to keep sharing and writing about this topic, knowing that I might be looking really bad right now (for the perceived ego-trip, for how you may think I am bungling all of these pieces of correspondence). I am going to keep doing it, because I feel like I am on the cusp of something that God wants me to know, some idea that is Important, that I won't understand without living through these two weeks and having all these various uncomfortable interpersonal interactions.

So, please bear with me, don't read anything you don't want to read, and please offer whatever advice you want!

I never would have anticipated the chain reaction that would begin yesterday from my commonplace action of leaving feedback on eBay.  So today, I never would have expected to be dealing with a new unhappy, offended stranger after emailing a local homeschool yahoo-group to invite whomever would like to come to our Vintage Homeschool Moms' Christmas Party.  (You can read about the fun we are planning if you click on the link--wish some of you far away homeschool moms were closer!)  I don't invite the area-wide secular homeschool community to all of our events, just the ones that seem extra fun and something you might take your kids to even if you didn't know anyone.  But a Christmas party and cookie exchange for homeschool kids?  Lots of non-church-going families might think that sounded fun. 
A few hours after I posted the invite, I received the following email back, from someone in the group whom I don't know:

I was wanting to find out more about the Vintage Faith Church a while back when some friends were talking about the Abbey coffeehouse the church runs, and was very disappointed to find out --from the web site and from reviews of a book by the pastor -- thatthey are anti-gay. Would "All families are welcome" really apply to all the local two-mom homeschooling families and LGBT homeschooling teens I know?

In general Santa Cruz has a lot of LGBT-inclusive and welcoming churches and other houses of worship -- just for one small example, it is my experience as a person who has danced in both the Downtown Santa Cruz Holiday Parade and the Santa Cruz Pride Parade that the latter has a lot more churches in it -- so yes, it was an unpleasant surprise that a church that seems to want to make a big deal of having a hip coffeehouse would not be included in that number.

I hope we will all remember that homeschooling families are a diverse group.

This mom had responded to the entire yahoo group, which meant that my response would not only be to her, but to the entire community. 

Yay!

(Yes, that was definitely sarcastic, voiced with a hint of terror and a teeny tiny urge to stick my head in some sand.)

It is a good thing, actually, that I have been getting so much practice these days with careful wording, separating emotion from reason, and paring down problems into simple statements that don't go into the whole underlying wad of feelings but just address the heart of the matter.  *Please do not read conceit into that statement--I did not say I have been writing everything perfectly and saying all the right things in all the right ways, just that I have been getting a lot of practice at trying!* ; )   I am just doing the best I can, always with the intent of clearing up misconceptions, handling the other person with respect and even care, but also trying to stand firm for who I am and what I think is right and good.

So, there were so many ways I thought about going in my response, trying to figure out what best would honestly address this mom's concerns and affront, but also not backing down on the genuine invitation, and ended up with this:

Hi T---,

Thanks for your honest and sincere email response to my invite.  The Vintage Homeschool Moms group is just that--a bunch of moms who enjoy getting together to have fun and encourage one another in our homeschooling and parenting.  The Christmas party is not a church-sponsored event, but we routinely use the Vintage Faith Church classrooms for our gatherings, since they have such great facilities (like a bathroom in the classroom, the gym for the kids to run around in, etc.).  We call ourselves "Vintage Homeschool Moms" just because most of us happen to be, but we have families from other churches join us, and have welcomed Jewish, agnostic, and atheist parents as well.  I am the organizer for most of the gatherings we have, and I love to invite new people--you never know who might really want to get their kids out of the house for a fun, casual event with other homeschool kids, or what mom might be struggling and need a few kind words. : )

So, we do not claim to represent the overall Vintage Faith Church, and I am sure all of us moms in the group have different opinions about all aspects of life, just like all of us here on the homeschool group forum do.  I can't speak for any of the other moms (or dads, who are welcome and sometimes come too!), but I personally welcome any homeschool family who feels comfortable with us.  What I can speak for the other moms about is that yes, most of us are trying to live as followers of Jesus Christ, and believe each and every person is a unique, valuable creation worthy of love and respect. 

You are right that this will not be an all-inclusive gathering, in the sense that we will be celebrating "Christmas" and not "the Holidays" and God might very well come up in the conversation as moms chat.  ; )  I posted the invite with the assumption that anyone who wants to avoid such things would simply disregard it.  But it will not be a religious gathering in nature (i.e. other than the fact that Christmas is what it is, we are not out to convert you), and so I invite anyone who is comfortable with such a dynamic to please feel free to join us.

The thing I am struggling with most in such correspondence--like with the eBay seller yesterday--is how to be firm and polite without sounding testy.  In this case I wanted to sound friendly and even warm, but yet be reasonable and unapologetic for sending the invitation.  It is an event suitable to any homeschool family in the area, and so I should be welcome to use the homeschool forum to invite the homeschool community. 

And yet, it seems like such a strange thing to have another correspondence in such a similar vein to the one yesterday.  It's like suddenly all these things are happening in which someone is saying to me "You're wrong and even offensive" and I have to respond back with as much grace and reason as I can muster.  (And you have not heard the half of it! I'll write more tomorrow, hopefully, so you can understand just how unusual the timing of all this is.)  I am SO THANKFUL that suddenly I have my brain working (funny how adrenaline is so helpful in this regard) so I can address all these issues as they are popping up, all in the same two-week span.  But it really does seem like there is some overall understanding I am supposed to get from these little mini-lessons on confrontation and grace.

The thing I am thinking today, is that all these cases happening involve someone telling me I am wrong.  Wrong to leave negative feedback, wrong to seem to support an Anti-gay church.  And it all boils down to perspective, and how to respond back to others with nothing but good stuff even when it sure feels like they aren't thinking good stuff about me in return.  Ah, and you see, there is that me again--and that idea of being upset at someone telling me I am wrong.  That hint that maybe I need to become ok with being thought of as wrong--or I will never be right.  Maybe only when I lose that fear and can respond with full, uncalculated, all-embracing Grace--i.e. when I allow Christ to move through me unhindered--will I be an effective tool of God. 

Or maybe it's the idea of giving up the "right" to be right.  Because I am finding more and more that I can claim fewer and fewer "rights" when I look at my life and relationships through the Scripture.  Defending my "rights" keeps my focus and my standing on me--and the more I let go of those, giving them over to God and trusting that He will defend me, He will provide for me, He is my Champion, the more at peace I am, and the more at home in Christ I am.

I hope that mom does not come with her family to our party, unless she is ready to accept us as much as she wants us to accept her.  But I do hope that us Christian homeschool moms (wherever we are!) would make welcome any family who we encounter--that we can love them without fear, from the fullness of Christ's love for them.  As the Bible says, "We love others because He first loved us." And I do hope that I meet this mom someday face to face, so I can do with a warm smile and sincere words of greeting whatever I could not do within the limitations of such a public exchange. 

Two moms, two days, two email exchanges in two entirely different situtions. 

Same prayer--Lord, please show me how to love others, esp. moms, in all I say and do.

(I guess if I keep praying that, He'll keep giving me more opportunities to practice! ; )