The skinny on Christmas

I am so sorry I have not blogged yet about how Christmas went!  We got back late Mon. night, and the rest of the week has been a blur of high-maintenance children (the usual post-holiday decompression--but they are responding SO WELL to the crack-down parenting, so I am truly thankful!), trying to deep-clean cupboards and closets to find good homes for the new things, trying to get our schooling up and running again (after 4 weeks of school-lite, we could not afford a holiday week, given our goals for the year, which I promise to write about at some point), and still being sick from last week (did I mention it?  Oh, we have all been fighting off a bad cold, and while no one has been horribly sick except DH, we're all pretty run down). 

And then we got a call on Weds. that DH's parents wanted to come down here this weekend.  Well. . . (desperate looking around at bags on the living room floor yet to be unpacked, cleaning that never got done the week before Christmas, piles of laundry) sure!  Come on down!

Because you know what?  We had a REALLY GOOD Christmas with DH's folks!  In fact, I have not seen MIL so relaxed and at peace in a very, very long time.  Amen and Hallelujah!  We opened WAY more presents than we expected, but they demonstrated that the givers were doing their best to be thoughtful in their gift selection, which is a kind of love, which is what giving at Christmas is all about! YAY! 

So, thank you to all who prayed--God cleary did a really good work in both me and MIL in preparing us for such a good time together, when there had been so much stress and strain previously (not just involving me and her, but that's all I have shared with you--the rest is not my story to tell). 

And you know what, I think the letters did some good too!  When we had opened all those presents, I admit to one teeny tiny moment of discouragement when I thought my last letter had done no good, and realized that it is just too hard for DH's parents not to give in abundance, so we are going to be juggling too. much. stuff. probably forever.  But then, I stopped and saw all the thought behind the gifts, and what a good sign that was.  And then I realized (or maybe the Holy Spirit whispered) that I was hoping the letters would lead to less stuff, but maybe that's not what they were for--maybe they helped MIL feel loved, and maybe helped clear the air, so maybe they also contributed to the peace surrounding MIL.  Well, I would MUCH rather have a peace-filled Christmas, and see MIL so content, than have one less piece of fun new stuff.   : ) 

So, that is the end of the saga of the stuff letters.  I still want to write about the beginnings of the whole thing--the Christmas long ago that started it all--the comments to the last one made me realize I had not given the least helpful background before jumping in, since I forget you all don't live in my head and know everything already--but, once again, it will have to wait!  "Oma" and "Opa" will be here any minute, and while the house is pretty darn good, there are more things I still want to do, cleaning wise.

I just sat down for a moment since I probably won't have much of a chance to blog this weekend now.  Oh, but there are SO MANY fun things to share with you all!  I still have stories and pics from Fall I never got to share.  I'm not ready for the New Year!  But, ready or not, here it comes. 

So, Happy New Year, everyone!

And if you want some good God-stuff to end the year with, here is a great post today from The Blessing of Verity. 

(Rebecca, just thought I would let you know on the menu this weekend--homemade ice cream!  Thank you for last year's ice cream ball, and I'm so bummed we did not think to get it out this summer when you all were here.  Mom, I forgot to mention I actually baked with the girls, and in honor of Nostalgia, we made Snowball cookies and Coconut Candy Balls!  So as we share our treats with DH's folks, we will be thinking of you. : )

looking forward to Christmas, and praying for peace

So, I really debated whether or not to share those letters I wrote.  On one hand, it is very personal, and it seems a little vulnerable to share here.  On the other hand, I have a feeling that I am not the only one out there who has been struggling with loving someone, fully, even if it is hard.  I also have gotten the feeling--from past comments, from posts on other blogs, from conversations with friends--that other women my age are struggling with receiving gifts from parents/in-laws/grandparents, who may be giving with loving intentions but with an overabundance, or without carefully thinking of the family's spac, values, etc.  It is soooooooo hard to talk about gift giving, and how it can be done with greater thought and care, without hurting someone's feelings.   Or without sounding like the biggest, ego-centric grinch. 

It was especially hard to write that second letter to MIL, because I know it sounded so rude and selfish, like it is "all about me."  But that was the problem--I could only write my side of the issue, talk about my feelings, and what would help me feel loved in gift-giving.  I could not talk about her--that's not my place.  And I chose not to write from the perspective of what I want her to do, because I don't want to be telling her what to do--that's not my place either, and that is certainly rude to be telling someone they have to get you such and such gifts.  So instead of saying "I would really appreciate gifts like this." I phrased it as I did: "I feel loved when I receive a gift like this."  I chose that phrasing to emphasize feeling loved--because isn't that the goal, to give gifts to one another so they feel loved?  I also chose that wording because it does not focus on past gift-giving, but on the present and the future of our gift-giving.  It was really hard, too, because that wording--"I feel loved when"--really does sound all self-focused.  Like it's all about me.  It leaves me open to that negative interpretation, and also to the vulnerability of expressing desires that the person on the other end now has the perceived power to honor or to not. 

So, I chose vulnerability, and openness.  Even though it made me look like a schmuck.

And lo and behold, while MIL did not acknowledge the first letter--which did not surprise me--she did the second, and sent me an email, which opened up a dialogue, of sorts.  I debated about sharing that too, since it is one thing to share what I write and say, but another thing to share what someone else does.  But in the end, I decided in this case it is ok, since her correspondence with me was not at all personal, and does not show her in a negative light in the least.  What it does show is how hard it is for us to engage in meaningful dialogue about the things that come between us, how hard it is to work through them.  It is almost like we speak different languages.

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Just got your letter but don't have time to read it as we're off to the church musical....

but just so you know...

I think your generation is too interspective..... (trying to psyco-analyize everthing that drives our generation crazy)

Our generation is doers....

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Hope you had a good time at the church musical. We were at [Merry] and [Sunny]'s music recital. They did a really nice job.

I took video of their performances, so if they turn out well, I will share them on facebook. (Last time the sound was not good enough, but we'll see!)

It may be my generation, or it may just be me. ; ) If your generation are "doers," then just let me know what you want to "do."

I understand that you are very busy, so you can decide if/when you have time to read the letter. I wrote it only in case it could be a beginning

of dialogue between us on some things that seem to be hindering our relationship. I wrote my perspective, and you just give your perspective

back whenever/however you see fit. I will look forward to hearing whatever you want to share of your own needs, wants, hopes, etc.

Hope you both have a good weekend.


lisa

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P.S.

I am a financial analyst....

"One" and "One" equals two.....

It just is...

I don't ask the "1" how it feels, I really don't care. Is it a "1" or not. If it is it goes here, if it isn't it goes there....

Get it?

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Hmmmm. I understand your words, but not the analogy, how this idea relates to you and I and more loving gift-giving and receiving. I want to understand your thoughts on the matter, so we can keep growing in unity the way God desires. So if you have a chance to expand this idea, I will be glad to listen.

lisa

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what I'm saying is I don't like analysis....

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Ok, then. We don't have to talk about the "why's" (analysis), we can just skip to the "what's" (practical solutions). Can you suggest some ways we can do things differently in the future so neither one of us ends up frustrated with our gift-giving and receiving, and no one's feelings get hurt unintentionally?

lisa

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No... we either give something or don't and the person either accepts it or doesn't.

I think we're from two different generations :)

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Ok. I just wanted you to know I care and that I don't want "stuff" to hurt our relationship any more. : )

lisa

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It was so frustrating, to be emailing back and forth, actually "talking" about this issue that MIL has said has really hurt her and will likely continue to hurt her, but without anything getting resolved.  BUT I really appreciated that she acklowledged the letter, and her tone at the end was postive--see the little smiley emoticon?  She was letting me know that she did not want to fight, and really just wanted to pretend all is fine. 

And that IS fine.  We can move forward with even that much understanding.  And if/when the issue comes up in the future, I can remind her of this conversation, and see if I can get her to verbalize a little more of what she wants us to do in the future so she knows we are really trying to be considerate of her feelings.  So she feels our love.  But the really good thing about all this--the letters and the ensuing emails--is that I feel absolved from the conflict.  I feel like I genuinely did my best to resolve the issue, and while we did not actually resolve it, I did my part--so I don't have to feel ANY guilt any more.  None.  And I have been feeling guilt (and someone has been wanting me to feel guilt) for years.  I feel like I am out from under a huge weight!

I know the problem is not actually solved, and the conversation will continue.  But at least I feel like we can start afresh now, this Christmas, and move forward in freedom and love.  That is huge for me, and I hope MIL feels even a little of the same. 

  .   .   .   .   .   .   .  

My relations and friends who pray, I do have a request, though.  There have been other signs (besides that email conversation, and just recently) that STUFF might be something Satan uses to cause more conflict this Christmas.  I think DH's parents are really truly vulnerable to this attack, particularly this year.  And for some trully bizarre reason, DH and I have had two semi-bad arguments just in the past two days.  Seriously, after the second one this morning, I am starting to feel like this is also spiritual attack, that the Deceiver might be trying to get us on edge and disunified before we even get up to DH's parents' place, so we will be even more vulnerable to conflict, hurt feelings, misunderstandings, etc.  Will those of you who understand what I am talking about please pray for me, for DH, for his parents this weekend? 

.   .   .   .   .   .   .  .

My friends, family, readers,

I am praying all of you have a safe, PEACE-FILLED, wonderful Christmas weekend.

on the language of unlove--the second letter

Dear R---,

When I sat down to write that last letter to you, I actually intended to write about gift giving and receiving, but was completely surprised to find that the Holy Spirit had other plans! So I filled that first letter with the things that must have been needing said the most—how important you are to me.

But now Christmas is fast approaching, so I need to now write the things I meant to in the first letter, so hopefully whatever giving we do this Christmas is done freely and without any lingering of hurt from years past. I'm not intending this to be a list of gift ideas, but more a step towards our better understanding of one another.

You love to give gifts—and giving gifts is one way you show love to us. I love to give too. So it is sadly ironic that gift-giving seems to have become a language of “unlove” between you and I, that becomes like a gap between us, relationally. I have been thinking about this for some time, wondering how we can bridge that gap, how we can each learn new ways of giving and receiving gifts that the other will understand as love. Here I'll try to share some of the specific ways I have thought of that I most feel loved when receiving gifts. I would very much hearing yours in return, sometime when you have had a chance to think through what most matters to you, and how you most feel loved when giving and receiving gifts.

Idea #1—I feel loved when I receive a gift that is exactly what I wanted and needed.

You have been so thoughtful in past years, R---, taking me shopping so I could pick out things that fit my wardrobe needs, asking for specific lists, or telling me to go pick out the one I like (like the leather coat). I don't have room to keep things that don't fit my needs, so it is so great to be able to choose the items that I know we can get the most use and pleasure out of. Gift certificates are always a good fit too—a C*stco gift card may not be glamorous, but would sure be used and appreciated. ; )

Idea #2—I feel loved when I receive a gift that shows the giver cares about what is important to me.

There are life values you and I sometimes chat about when we are together, things that I am working on to improve my family's health and build our faithfulness as good stewards, like trying to eat more raw foods, trying to buy things made in the USA, trying to avoid plastic, trying to buy fair trade. When you give me a gift that directly reflects those conversations, that shows you listen to my values and cares and encourages my desire to be a better homemaker, steward, consumer, etc.--like the VitaMix, or toys for the kids made of wood--I feel loved, and you and I often have the chance to grow closer by focusing on beliefs and values we have in common.

Idea #3—I feel loved when I receive a gift that blesses others.

You have said many times that we don't need anything, that the kids in Arun's orphanage should remind us of how little we need, and how much we should appreciate what we have. So true! Remembering those less fortunate while gift-giving and receiving helps keep the focus of Christmas on Christ, Love Incarnate. For me, personally, any gift you want to give in my name to an orphanage or Christ-serving charity is a fabulous gift! It's like I get to share in the joy of the gift-giving, and the pleasure of receiving, all at once! What's not to love?

Idea #4—I feel loved when I receive a gift that honors the nature of my unique home.

We have received many good gifts from you over the years—things that beautify our living space, or are useful, or which we wear all the time, or which provide enjoyment for our family. You have given a lot of thoughtful gifts, gifts that showed love and care, and that encouraged creativity and brought us pleasure. We have been so blessed, in so many ways, and you and J--'s generosity is one clear source. We are just now starting to feel the squeeze of material goods in our little house, and that is not necessarily a bad thing, since it reflects the abundance of our blessings. But it does mean we can't continue to bring in material goods at the same pace as we have in past years, which is also not a nad thing, since we have very few real needs, now we have the perfect opportunity to try to make gift-giving and receiving more simple, heartfelt, and less focused on material things. So now I find that any gift that does not require me to get even more creative with our storage space is an extra blessing! Food treats, art supplies, family adventures, classes—all things you have given us in the past—I appreciate more and more these days. And sometimes the non-material gifts can be the most helpful, too; for example, this Fall we did not have as much school funding to spread around, and so there were fun things we could not do, like the Mad M*lecule science parties, that would be a fantastic grandparent gift—same with a gift certificate to L-----' Academy of Martial Arts (the school does not cover the testing fees, which get higher as your child advances!).

Idea #5--I feel loved when I receive a gift that does not add one more thing to my “to do” list.

I am in a season of life where I feel like my energy, my free time, my mental abilities, all seem to be pretty full up. (I have a feeling you might say the same thing!) I only have so many resources, and they are pretty well accounted for at the moment. So gifts that don't require regular maintenance or special treatment or learning new skills are also blessings.

Idea #6—I feel loved when I receive a gift with no strings attached (other than gift wrapping!).

There are lots of really good things out there in the world, beautiful things, practical things, desirable things—but even if they are really good things, they may not be the right things for me. The gift may have been thoughtful, meaningful, good—exactly the kind of gift I love to receive. But it still might sometimes not work out, or be the blessing the giver intended, and if such a situation happens, I want to hold onto and cherish the giver, and the thought and the meaning and the good, but not have to hold onto the thing. A gift that is given freely, without strings, is really love for me.

So, those are the ideas that I could pinpoint as I sat down to really think through and process the whole idea of giving and receiving as a language of love, or sometimes unlove. You and I have been learning and growing so much together, even in the past year, and I am sure we will figure out how to “speak” one another's gift languages. I care immensely about your feelings in this area, and never want you to feel unappreciated or unloved ever again in how you and I give and receive gifts between our families and one another. I want gifts to be fun and relationship-building, and want to hear your thoughts and feelings about how you are best loved through gift giving and receiving. I want to give you gifts that will show you love in the ways you interpret it. Most of all, I want to learn to give and receive in ways that honor Jesus, not just at Christmastime, but all the time.

With all this said, if you don't feel like giving me any gifts at all this year, I don't blame you. ; ) It's not like you owe me anything, or have not already given me so much, or like I deserve anything. There is one gift I would like to ask from you, though. It's that you accept this letter, and the one that came before, as a sign of my commitment to loving you long-term, in all the beautiful and best ways God has in store.

With lots of love,

Lisa

The letter the Holy Spirit wrote

Last week there were two times when out of the blue, I needed all my writing and reasoning and pacifying skills for responding to emails of people offended by/upset at me.  The dialogue with the un-churched homeschool community went well, I think, and one brave mom even came to our party with her kids in response to the invite. : )  The whole eBay thing is still going on--let's just say the seller has proven herself to be a particularly malicious and low-class person.  I have opened a case with eBay, and I am not worried about getting my money refunded, but I admit I no longer feel any empathy for her--and yet, even as I am working with customer support to try to get her penalized somehow for how she has harassed me through their email system, which should not happen, I keep hearing that little nudge in the back of my mind that even now, as I seek justice, I should respond with grace.  So, I have not responded to any of her insults with my own insults, and I guess that is what grace looks like in this case!

But anyway, I told you all that it was so strange to me to all of a sudden be finding myself in these situations--because see, it started Thanksgiving weekend, when we were with DH's parents at their home.  It was--wow!--two years ago when I last wrote about this topic, and I meant to go back and share the full story.  I really still want to do that, but once again don't have time to go all into it.  But let's just say, at this Thanksgiving MIL once again told me I/we had ruined Christmas forever for her, because of past hurts--things that she feels we did out of complete disregard for her feelings, that we did on purpose, and that she thinks reflect who we really are inside (which I guess would be insensitive, completely selfish, egotistical, and heartless). 

It is really hard to see ourselves through her eyes--I see why she thinks what she does, and it is sure unattractive, and yet it is also not honest or true.  But she thinks it is. Or chooses to think it is.  Not sure how much difference there is between the two.

Anyway, I think this whole thing has been building to a head, and this will hopefully be the year it all comes out and we can move on and start re-learning how to better give and receive gifts so STUFF does not have the negative, unhealthy, unGodly power in our relationship that it currently has. 

(By the way, my words are completely depleted, after last week's surge of activity, and my time for writing is almost out, so if this does not make sense, I'll come back and clarify, ok?)

So after Thanksgiving, I knew it was TIME.  Time to actually talk about these issues, so there are no more negative conversations in the kitchen over holidays, so I know MIL has heard me try to make it right, so we can try to move on in a more healthy way of interacting.  It is time to leave the hurtful past in the past, and just do our best to love as fully as possible from now on.

SO.  I wrote a couple of letters to MIL a couple of weeks ago.  (I have done this every few years, when there is some big issue that MIL and I clearly need to work through but which we can not seem to actually talk about.  I write a letter, soooooo careful in my wording, always make it about our relationship and not about who is right or wrong, focus on healing and the future, and make a few very clear requests for our future interactions.  MIL has never responded or even acknowledged my letters in any way, but I know she has read them, and she has even listened, because over time I realize the issues we were having that I addressed in the letter are not nearly as bad.  So I decided it was time for another letter, this one about more healthy ways to give and receive gifts this year and in the future. 

I made time, got everyone settled so I had a quiet house, sat down--and the letter that flowed out was nothing like what I had planned on writing.  And yet, I knew it was what I was supposed to write.  So I thought I would share with you all the letter that the Holy Spirit wrote:

Dear R---,

Thank you for a lovely Thanksgiving—we really appreciated all your hard work getting ready for it, the food, everything. We are so glad to have family close enough to celebrate with, and all the favorite family foods, the games, the time together, etc. are what make the holiday special.

When we were together and talking, there were several times that past hurts came up in the conversation, especially painful memories about giving and receiving gone wrong. I am so glad that we can talk about such things, and are learning how to be honest and vulnerable and yet considerate with one another when we do. God has placed us in relationship on purpose—for better or for worse. ; ) And we know His purpose can only be good, for both of us. I thank Him for how He uses you to help me grow and learn, and I hope He will sometimes use me to further His good work in you. And I am thankful for you. For who you are--your skills, your talents, your wisdom, your energy, your attention to detail, your sense of justice, your desire to live a life pleasing to God.

Thank you for loving our family so much! You (and J--, of course, but he can wait for his own letter ; ) expend so much time and energy and skill and money to welcome us to your home, to celebrate the seasons and holidays and life with us, to help out at our home, to share adventures, to help meet our needs—all in the name of loving us. This so completely hands-on way of practical loving is not common, and you have been a blessing to me, D---, and the kids.

Thank you for being willing to move forward in relationship with me, even though you still feel hurt from past misunderstandings. I know you don't agree with that word, but it is truth—I have never, ever knowingly disregarded your feelings and always try to be considerate of your feelings. That is not the same as failing completely to love you in the way you wanted to be loved at any given moment! I have failed many times, and I will probably hurt your feelings again in the future, so when I do hurt you, would you please remember I never want to do so? Please extend as much patience and grace to me as you can, and I promise to do the same when you inadvertently hurt my feelings. God desires us to have unity, both as sisters in Christ, and as family. If you see a way we can grow in greater unity, please do let me know—you are my sister and my second mother, both of which I celebrate, and I sincerely pray for a long and fruitful and peace-filled and joyful lifetime with you.

There are other things I want to express, but they will have to wait for another day.

So, until then, I hope this Advent season God showers you and those you love with overwhelming abundance of love and joy, peace and goodwill.

Your daughter, in law and love,

Lisa

P.S. And I forgot to thank you in person for the lovely birthday card you sent me. It warmed my heart, and inspired this letter in return.

And would you believe, I meant every single word of it.  I just did not know I did until I wrote it. 

So, God definitely did something there.  I'll share Part Two of the story tomorrow.

pausing--for ART

The Accolade, by Edmund Blair Leighton (1853-1922)

I stumbled upon this beauty today in a completely random way (while reading online about historical Jewish texts and "the Dumb Goyim," which I stumbled upon while checking a definition while answering an email! So bizarre.)

Anyway, the image made me catch my breath.   I have never seen this painting, and it is just so beautiful. 

Modern artists have nothing on their elders.

Another view, slightly cropped and it looks like either enhanced or restored. 

Amazing.

(Don't forget you can click on the image to enlarge it--great time to!)

pausing--for CHOCOLATE

I just could not resist sharing this offer that came in my inbox today:

For my friends who know Fannie May candies from our growing up in the Midwest--WHOO-HOO!

For my friends who don't know Fannie May--YUM.

I am a wee bit bummed that I already bought my FM for Xmas presents, a few weeks back when they had a 30% off deal plus free shipping.  But then again, I'm happy to have my shopping done. 

But any of you who still need to get a Christmas present and know the person enjoys chocolate--consider this deal.  I personally recommend the Mint Meltaways (the mixed green and brown, not the holiday ones), the Trinadads, the dark chocolate caramels, the hostess mints, and the pixies.  There are LOTS of other ones I enjoy, but those are some of Fannie May's best.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.  Can't wait until Christmas!

concepts to ponder for the day: confrontation and grace

My post yesterday was actually the beginning of a series of posts that have been brewing in my mind for some time now, having to do with the fact that I am suddenly finding myself in an awkward confrontational position in so many areas of my life.  Like all of a sudden I am being required to think and write to other people about various perceived injustices and wrongdoings and make firm but loving defense of myself. . . .  Why is there seeming to be a pattern to it?  What do you want me to get from this, God?

I know this series can be coming off as self-righteous hubris of the worst kind--how full of myself do I have to be to actually cut and paste in my blog the things I am saying to other people, as if you should care, as if I am just so clever, as if I think I am all that? So it is awkward too, that I feel compelled to keep sharing and writing about this topic, knowing that I might be looking really bad right now (for the perceived ego-trip, for how you may think I am bungling all of these pieces of correspondence). I am going to keep doing it, because I feel like I am on the cusp of something that God wants me to know, some idea that is Important, that I won't understand without living through these two weeks and having all these various uncomfortable interpersonal interactions.

So, please bear with me, don't read anything you don't want to read, and please offer whatever advice you want!

I never would have anticipated the chain reaction that would begin yesterday from my commonplace action of leaving feedback on eBay.  So today, I never would have expected to be dealing with a new unhappy, offended stranger after emailing a local homeschool yahoo-group to invite whomever would like to come to our Vintage Homeschool Moms' Christmas Party.  (You can read about the fun we are planning if you click on the link--wish some of you far away homeschool moms were closer!)  I don't invite the area-wide secular homeschool community to all of our events, just the ones that seem extra fun and something you might take your kids to even if you didn't know anyone.  But a Christmas party and cookie exchange for homeschool kids?  Lots of non-church-going families might think that sounded fun. 
A few hours after I posted the invite, I received the following email back, from someone in the group whom I don't know:

I was wanting to find out more about the Vintage Faith Church a while back when some friends were talking about the Abbey coffeehouse the church runs, and was very disappointed to find out --from the web site and from reviews of a book by the pastor -- thatthey are anti-gay. Would "All families are welcome" really apply to all the local two-mom homeschooling families and LGBT homeschooling teens I know?

In general Santa Cruz has a lot of LGBT-inclusive and welcoming churches and other houses of worship -- just for one small example, it is my experience as a person who has danced in both the Downtown Santa Cruz Holiday Parade and the Santa Cruz Pride Parade that the latter has a lot more churches in it -- so yes, it was an unpleasant surprise that a church that seems to want to make a big deal of having a hip coffeehouse would not be included in that number.

I hope we will all remember that homeschooling families are a diverse group.

This mom had responded to the entire yahoo group, which meant that my response would not only be to her, but to the entire community. 

Yay!

(Yes, that was definitely sarcastic, voiced with a hint of terror and a teeny tiny urge to stick my head in some sand.)

It is a good thing, actually, that I have been getting so much practice these days with careful wording, separating emotion from reason, and paring down problems into simple statements that don't go into the whole underlying wad of feelings but just address the heart of the matter.  *Please do not read conceit into that statement--I did not say I have been writing everything perfectly and saying all the right things in all the right ways, just that I have been getting a lot of practice at trying!* ; )   I am just doing the best I can, always with the intent of clearing up misconceptions, handling the other person with respect and even care, but also trying to stand firm for who I am and what I think is right and good.

So, there were so many ways I thought about going in my response, trying to figure out what best would honestly address this mom's concerns and affront, but also not backing down on the genuine invitation, and ended up with this:

Hi T---,

Thanks for your honest and sincere email response to my invite.  The Vintage Homeschool Moms group is just that--a bunch of moms who enjoy getting together to have fun and encourage one another in our homeschooling and parenting.  The Christmas party is not a church-sponsored event, but we routinely use the Vintage Faith Church classrooms for our gatherings, since they have such great facilities (like a bathroom in the classroom, the gym for the kids to run around in, etc.).  We call ourselves "Vintage Homeschool Moms" just because most of us happen to be, but we have families from other churches join us, and have welcomed Jewish, agnostic, and atheist parents as well.  I am the organizer for most of the gatherings we have, and I love to invite new people--you never know who might really want to get their kids out of the house for a fun, casual event with other homeschool kids, or what mom might be struggling and need a few kind words. : )

So, we do not claim to represent the overall Vintage Faith Church, and I am sure all of us moms in the group have different opinions about all aspects of life, just like all of us here on the homeschool group forum do.  I can't speak for any of the other moms (or dads, who are welcome and sometimes come too!), but I personally welcome any homeschool family who feels comfortable with us.  What I can speak for the other moms about is that yes, most of us are trying to live as followers of Jesus Christ, and believe each and every person is a unique, valuable creation worthy of love and respect. 

You are right that this will not be an all-inclusive gathering, in the sense that we will be celebrating "Christmas" and not "the Holidays" and God might very well come up in the conversation as moms chat.  ; )  I posted the invite with the assumption that anyone who wants to avoid such things would simply disregard it.  But it will not be a religious gathering in nature (i.e. other than the fact that Christmas is what it is, we are not out to convert you), and so I invite anyone who is comfortable with such a dynamic to please feel free to join us.

The thing I am struggling with most in such correspondence--like with the eBay seller yesterday--is how to be firm and polite without sounding testy.  In this case I wanted to sound friendly and even warm, but yet be reasonable and unapologetic for sending the invitation.  It is an event suitable to any homeschool family in the area, and so I should be welcome to use the homeschool forum to invite the homeschool community. 

And yet, it seems like such a strange thing to have another correspondence in such a similar vein to the one yesterday.  It's like suddenly all these things are happening in which someone is saying to me "You're wrong and even offensive" and I have to respond back with as much grace and reason as I can muster.  (And you have not heard the half of it! I'll write more tomorrow, hopefully, so you can understand just how unusual the timing of all this is.)  I am SO THANKFUL that suddenly I have my brain working (funny how adrenaline is so helpful in this regard) so I can address all these issues as they are popping up, all in the same two-week span.  But it really does seem like there is some overall understanding I am supposed to get from these little mini-lessons on confrontation and grace.

The thing I am thinking today, is that all these cases happening involve someone telling me I am wrong.  Wrong to leave negative feedback, wrong to seem to support an Anti-gay church.  And it all boils down to perspective, and how to respond back to others with nothing but good stuff even when it sure feels like they aren't thinking good stuff about me in return.  Ah, and you see, there is that me again--and that idea of being upset at someone telling me I am wrong.  That hint that maybe I need to become ok with being thought of as wrong--or I will never be right.  Maybe only when I lose that fear and can respond with full, uncalculated, all-embracing Grace--i.e. when I allow Christ to move through me unhindered--will I be an effective tool of God. 

Or maybe it's the idea of giving up the "right" to be right.  Because I am finding more and more that I can claim fewer and fewer "rights" when I look at my life and relationships through the Scripture.  Defending my "rights" keeps my focus and my standing on me--and the more I let go of those, giving them over to God and trusting that He will defend me, He will provide for me, He is my Champion, the more at peace I am, and the more at home in Christ I am.

I hope that mom does not come with her family to our party, unless she is ready to accept us as much as she wants us to accept her.  But I do hope that us Christian homeschool moms (wherever we are!) would make welcome any family who we encounter--that we can love them without fear, from the fullness of Christ's love for them.  As the Bible says, "We love others because He first loved us." And I do hope that I meet this mom someday face to face, so I can do with a warm smile and sincere words of greeting whatever I could not do within the limitations of such a public exchange. 

Two moms, two days, two email exchanges in two entirely different situtions. 

Same prayer--Lord, please show me how to love others, esp. moms, in all I say and do.

(I guess if I keep praying that, He'll keep giving me more opportunities to practice! ; ) 

 

pondering justice, mercy, love, on ebay and elsewhere

So, I have had an ongoing communication with a seller on eBay today, which has me fretting a little.  Not just because it is all negative, and so unnecessary, but also because it somehow encapsulates so much other interpersonal stuff I have been dealing with the past two weeks. 

[Warning--LOTS of "processing" ahead.  If self-relective over-analysis makes you roll your eyes and zone out, now is your chance to just click on another site.  I'll never know. ; )]

[And I would not normally relay a conversation like this line by line, but I think doing so is like telling a story--the full dialogue is necessary for the points I want to come to later.]  

Scenario:  me buying Christmas presents on eBay, looking for good deals.  There are some GREAT deals on clothes out there, at least the brands I enjoy keeping an eye on.  So I see a New With Tag pair of leggings for Sunny (who has just shot up 2 inches and may not even make it through the winter in her current clothes!), in a brand I like, and they look like they will go with a lot of things we already have.  They are going for a really good price.  I bid low, and lo and behold, win the auction.  Yay!  I pay for the item, and all is well.

Until a day or so later, when I receive an email from the seller, stating:

hello,

  i  just wanted to let you know i will be refunding your money on friday.  i was unable to get these shipped to you and do apologize for the inconvenience.

happy holidays and have a great day.

 jackie

Um, ok.  A little bummed, but no big deal.  I have other clothes for Sunny, and will just keep my eyes open for another pair of similar leggings on eBay.  To be completely honest, I was a little miffed, since eBay makes it clear that if you list an item and someone bids on it that you are entering into a binding contract, which must be fulfilled.  I suspected that the seller was unhappy with the winning price (since it was so low, but I was the only bidder) and wanted to relist the leggings to try for a better price.  On the other hand, she may have had perfectly good reason for not fulfilling the transaction (maybe she realized the item was damaged or something, or maybe she runs a consignment shop and realized the item had accidentally been put out on the selling floor and sold or something), and there should be some wiggle-room on eBay for human mistakes. 

That would have been the end of it, except that every time I would go eBay for another transaction (it has been a good marketplace for my needs this Christmas!), I would see their request for feedback for that transaction.  EBay thought our transaction was still pending fulfillment.  I thought about it for several days, whether or not to leave feedback, what to say, etc.  I kept thinking about the fact that she technically violated her seller's contract with me, and my feedback should reflect that.  I think it is fair for other potential buyers to know that this happened, esp. if they are counting on their winnings as Christmas presents. 

So, I decided today to leave feedback, and be fair and honest.  When you leave feedback, you have to rate the overall transaction "positive," "negative," or "neutral."  I really weighed it, but decided to go with "negative."  I could not honestly answer either of the others.  Then in my feedback I just tried to be clear about why (you get 80 characters, which is not a lot of room): I won the bid, but then the seller said she could not fulfill.

Seemed simple enough--fair and honest. 

Until the seller emailed me via eBay:

WAS IT NECCESSARY TO LEAVE NEGATIVE?

HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU TOO.

[her caps, not mine]

Sigh.  I realize I could have just ignored it at that point, but I wanted to let her know I did not mean her any harm, and yet also stand by my opinion that, as a seller, she had earned that rating.  It was just.   And yet, it was so hard not to sound affronted in my response, since--to be completely honest--I was:

Dear r*smommy, [this is an abbreviation of her real eBay name]

Yes, it was a negative experience to bid on your item, win the item, and then have you tell me that you would not complete the transaction. I thought carefully about how to leave feedback, as it is an important tool for communicating what the transaction was like. A negative was the only possible response, if I were to leave honest feedback. The experience was neither positive, nor neutral. Bidding on your listed item affected what other items I did or did not bid on. My feedback was fair and honest, not malicious.

She responded by leaving a comment to my feedback there on eBay:

SO THAT DESERVED A NEGATIVE AFTER YOU GOT A REFUND????

And by officially requesting through eBay that I change my feedback rating. 

I was by this point really having a negative transaction, and so officially declined to change my feedback rating without hesitation, but did gladly amend my feedback to be as fair as possible(again, in 80 characters or less): Seller gave refund prior to my feedback--thanks. Overall experience negative.  

I thought that would be the end of it, but a few hours later, in my in-box:

i had the negative experience as a seller coming from a 100% feedback to get someone to not pay when the invoice clearly stated 24hrs. payment is due. you took 3 days to pay and no contact. i had no other choice but to cancel the transaction and relist the item. i was charged more fees because of lack of your communication skills.

you have the nerve to say you had the terrible experience. what a friggin joke. get a life

Ummmmmm.  Urge to be "fair" and "just" waning.  Urge to respond with reciprocal "spewmail" rising.  I went back to my emails to check.  I had received an email notice from eBay saying I had won the bid on Dec 1.  I never received an official invoice.  On Dec. 3 I received a follow-up email reminder that I had not paid for the item. I immediately paid.  On Dec. 8 the seller sent the first email in which she cancelled the transaction.  So, much of what she is claiming is just not true--there was no invoice, I paid within 2 days, etc.  What she says is certainly not fair, or kind.  She has admitted that she relisted the item, and I suspect it was after I had paid for it, so I also suspect my first instincts about her just wanting more money for it are also likely.  I am within my "rights" to leave the feedback I did, and she has no "right" to be harassing me for it.  I have been honest and just and fair and certainly do not deserve this treatment.  Harumph.

I looked at her feedback ratings, and while most of her feedback comments are positive, I saw a "neutral" rating, with the following explaination: Dishonest, "NWT", but worn a lot & smelly. Tries to sell again.Lost $$. AVOID!  I bet she had a little email exchange with this buyer too, since she commented to the feedback: this woman was the dishonest one got her money and removed the tags.  To which the buyer responded: Yes, so you can't lie it is "NWT" again. Had to waste $4 to ship this crap back!  The item in question is a designer item, typically very expensive, which leads me to believe the buyer had discriminating taste and justifyably high expectations, and was probably speaking honestly. 

So now I am thinking, see, you did not have perfect feedback ratings, that lady was really unhappy with the transaction, but was being unnecessarily nice by leaving a "neutral" feedback rating.  This just proves that you deserved the rating I gave you, and you certainly don't deserve my empathy.

Except. . . .

I looked at her profile too. 

She is a mom of at least three elementary-age kids (according to the pic she posted).  She has had about 600 sales over the course of a few years, so maybe this is a home business/side income, but she does not have an official eBay "store," and is probably not doing this full-time. She lives in Alabama.  She says her hobbies are "BEING WITH MY KIDS AND TRAVELLING AROUND TO DIFFERENT PLACES WITH THEM." [her caps, not mine]  Could she even be a stay-at-home mom, like me?  Could she even be a homeschooling SAHM, like me? 

Is she having a really bad day?  Or a bad season?  Did my "negative" rating somehow resonate with her much deeper than the simple transaction feedback would warrant?

Kinda like how her "attack" on me brought up so many feelings and thoughts about someone else in my life who is constantly "unjust" and "unfair" and "unkind" with me?   Who tells me in no  uncertain terms that I don't meet her expectations, who makes a point to be negative?

I stood by my initial feedback rating because I believed that we were rating a business transaction, and felt strongly that I should be honest and fair and just. 

Except this whole intertaction is no longer business--now it is definitely personal. 

I have choices now:  I can ignore her email and all future emails; I can respond in kind; I can respond with more honesty and justice try to reason with her; or I can respond with some things I had not previously had in mind, compassion and mercy and even love.

In other words, I feel a need to resolve this in a way that is honoring to Jesus, whom we celebrate this Christmas season.  I would welcome suggestions!

And I can't ignore how this experience today has set off ripples in my brain. . . Clearly there are things I am still learning, and more processing I want to share with you all. 

A last thought, which I can't even begin to discuss here, but which I think God wanted me to think today: 

To what extent is one's indignation/offense when one is treated unjustly/unkindly/unfairly just another manifestation of one's self-centeredness?

In other words, how does my response to being treated negatively possibly point back to my selfish desire for all things to happen just the way I want them to, and my egotistical belief that I deserve them to?

Too much to chew on for one day.  (But be warned for tomorrow. . . ; )


**UPDATE: To make matters even more interesting, I started thinking back, and did not recall seeing notice of the refund. Hmmmm. Sure enough, go to check and it sure does not look like I ever received the refund to begin with!  Sigh.  So, now it's not just a matter of figuring out how to respond with all the good stuff, now I have to follow-up on that too, which is clearly going to be so much fun!  Now it will be even harder to balance the justice with the compassion and mercy. . . .  But, I will begin by thanking her for this correspondence, which led me to find out about the missing refund. ; )

God is in the details

While having my morning tea (with some pecans and homemade ginger bread, mmmmm), I was enjoying the blog of the family featured in the most recent "24 Days of Giving" linked from Treasured Pearls.  I remember reading about this family only four months ago, when they adopted a Chinese boy who was about to age out of the system, and here they are back in China again to adopt a second Chinese son.  I love jumping into these stories when the parents are "in country" and seeing their new children for the first time, and then following as their families grow together. 

But it was an earlier post the mom had written that just seemed to naturally fit what I was thinking and writing about yesterday, so when you have some free time, I recommend it for a good bit of reading.

I find, myself, that details are often what "speak" to me the most about God's love--comparable to a loving whisper that is meant just for me, that only I can hear.  I have stories of when God definitely made Himself and his love for me clear to me in some little details, or in some ordering of events--one of these days I'll write some. : )  In the meantime, I love to hear other people's stories.

blessing orphans--and being blessed back

One reason I am so bummed that I have not had time recently to blog is because there have been so many creative ways bloggers have been advocating for orphans and adoptive families, and I wish I had shared them with you sooner.

But there is no time like the present, right?  And just in time, too, since one of the blogs is having its most grand event to date:  a "Spectacular Surprise" over at the Fill Their Stockings With Hope event being held jointly on several blogs, including Ni Hao Y'all, which graces my sidebar.  These bloggers are working together to raise money for a family-style orphanage for special-needs children in China.  They are on their 7th day of some really fabulous giveaways (which is why I feel so badly that I never told you about it before), and today if you donate a minimum of $5 you can be entered to win a new iPad, or one of two $500 gift cards!!!!  (Technically you can enter without donating, but none of us would be that grinchy, right?)  So please consider visiting the blog and making a donation, and sharing word of the "Fill Their Stockings" event with others!

And if you are so full of love and joy and Christmas cheer and just want to bless others with no possibility of a financial reward, another blog on my sidebar, Treasured Pearls, is having an event called "24 Days of Giving" where they are featuring different families who are in various stages of adoption and could use financial help.  You can go check out yesterday's post here, to see one of the children who is in the process of being rescued and read what this event is all about.  I love the idea of using Christmastime as an occassion to share love and resources with those who are themselves trying to share love and resources with others--in this case, giving a small financial gift to people trying to give a home to a child who might otherwise never know a family.

If you want a moment to be reminded of what a blessing you could be to others, and why giving to families who are adopting can be so beautiful, so lifegiving, please visit this page.  Or this earlier one and scroll down to the pics at the end. 

That, my friends, is love in action.

And so, so, so much more worthy of $5 than a treat from my favorite coffeeshop.

Just Glue Some Gears On It (And Call It Steampunk)

Too good not to share. : )

(Double-click on the image to see it full-screen)

things these days

I am so sorry to be MIA these past few weeks!  Let's see if I can quickly sum up what's going on:

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Thanksgiving.  This used to be my favorite holiday when I was an older child/young adult.  I will have to write sometime about what Thanksgiving was like at my parents' house growing up--something unique to them and so beautiful and rewarding that has continued to shape me even as an adult.  As a married woman, it's not so fun.  To be honest, it is a little hard to spend every holiday at my in-law's house, just because of the constant  underlying negativity.  While we choose to do so for all kinds of good reasons, it is still a little hard for me.  This is a big topic, not one I want to go into here in depth, but it just means what while we had a really nice time and visit up with DH's parents, the extended weekend was still stressful, and I was pretty depressed afterwards.

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Rebound behavior.  The kids were horrible at the beginning of last week, we worked through it, they were AWESOME Thurs and Friday of last week when we had to work really hard to get some important school done before Friday (see below).  But then Saturday morning I reached a NEW RECORD in my whole Mommying career, when I had ALL FOUR CHILDREN crying in anger at me AT ONE TIME!  This was because, in my unforgivable meanness, I told the kids at 9:00 a.m. that they had to get out of bed and get ready for the day, since they had been playing in bed for a long time and were now fighting.  Oh, and Smiley was told it was time to use the potty.  All four of them had simultaneous flat-out tanrums, with gargoyle faces and stomping and bursting into tears.  All I could do was lift my arms triumphantly and whoop, "Four for four!  Whoo-hoo!  A new record!  I am the best Mommy EVER!"  Which did not help them, but did help me.

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The yearly writing assignment is due for my two eldest students.  This is a requirement of our public charter school, through which we homeschool, and you would think would not be a very big deal around here since I used to teach writing to university students.  Did you catch that?  This is what I used to do for a living, just with more complex goals and higher expectations.  I'm much more qualified than most homeschool parents in this one requirement, and it should be a snap.  But, ALAS, every year these assignments fill me with DREAD and TREPIDATION for the simple reason that they are written by an employee of the charter who is neither a writer nor a teacher of writing.  In fact, I have heard she is a mathmatician, which really does explain a lot, since the grading rubric for these essays reads like a checklist for an algebraic proof.  I am sure this employee is well-meaning and doing the best she can--but her assignments are terrible, and horribly confusing.  There is much hair pulling and gnashing of teeth every year in trying to figure out what the assignment is asking us to do--and that's just me.  Understandably, the kids get frustrated too, but are overall troopers and do a great job once Mommy figures out what the heck is expected from us this year and how to interpret it for my children in a way that will encourage their best understanding and writing.   

Merry finished hers after TWO DAYS of struggle with the assignment, which was ONE PARAGRAPH.  (The non-negotiable topic--"How is snow similar and different from rain?"  First of all, gotta love the improper English in that sentence, which should read "How is snow similar to and different from rain?"  Second of all, we live in CALIFORNIA.  All the children who will be answering this prompt live in CALIFORNIA, as does the woman who wrote the prompt.  If they have fully experienced snow once in their lives, they are lucky.  Arrrrggggghhhhhh!)

Sunny still has to do hers.  Which is five paragraphs.  Of exactly three sentences each.  For a total of fifteen sentences in the essay.  A sixth grader's essay required to have three-sentence paragraphs.  Clearly the goal is not good critical thinking demonstrated in well-formulated and defended paragraphs--the goal is fitting the bare minimum of elemental reasoning on the given topic into fifteen sentences. (Sound of said gnashing of teeth.)

Ok, let's move on.  My jaw is hurting.

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PURGING. oh, my word, the PURGING.  My motto for the past two week (and looks like it will be for this week too) is

GET. IT. OUT.

I am really stressed about how much stuff we have.  We have finally this past year reached full capacity.  This means there are some things we don't have a good "home" for in the house, which means the things sit uncomfortably in places they should not be, leading to it looking more cluttered and being harder to clean.  So, the obvious solution is to get it gone, and I am loving the purging.  I am freecycling and will be dropping off those things this week--and if someone does not want my offerings, they just might end up in the trash.  That's how serious I am.  I hate to waste things that still have life in them--but my life is more important than their life, you know what I'm sayin'?  I'm even going through and sorting stuff being stored under the house in bins, and have already emptied two large plastic tubs worth.  It feels good, and is part of my psychologically getting ready to bring more things into the house at Christmas.

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And just in time, since I have been on a month-long online shopping spree!

Which is also very fun, but which is also a little stressful, because while I am only buying things we actually need or could really use (and a couple of small things which the girls really want), we seem to need a lot of stuff at the moment.  So in the midst of the piles and sorting, I have a quietly growing pile of things that I know will need "homes" in my home at the end of the month. . . I will definitely write more about that later--while I hate adding more things to our house at the moment, there are things we are getting that should make our lives easier, more organized, more stress-free, etc.  I can't wait to share them with you later!

I am trying to finish up my Christmas shopping this week, and only have a few things left to get.  But there are so many demands on my time this week that I'm not sure I'll get it done this week. (Rebecca, your photo request has top priority--as soon as I can figure out how to resize with our new photo editor!)  I LOVE giving gifts, and the growing pile of gifts is fun to see, but I can't wait to finish packing the gifts that will leave my house so I can GET. THEM. OUT. ; )

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OK, those are just a FEW of the things going on right now.  Really!  There is SO much more to tell!  I hope to tell you more later, 'cause it's all part of the big picture of How I Am Doing that I know some of you care about and want to hear.  (I have been getting emails from Those I Love asking in concern how I am doing, since I have not been blogging as much.  Hopefully now you know at least I am alive and definitely kicking!)

The bottom line is that I am pretty busy and plenty stressed.  But I am also really trying to keep my spirit focused on the Good stuff, the worthwhile, the blessings.  I have so enjoyed reading in some blogs how people are focusing on the life of the spirit so far this Advent season--will any of you with a great idea or an encouraging word please leave it in the comments?  In the midst of all this busyness, I don't want to lose focus on what really matters, and every little bit of Perspective helps!

Much love to you all this cold Monday afternoon!

Need an uber-girlie baby gift? Act quickly to help orphans and get a discount!

Ok, November (and thus the official National Adoption Awareness Month) is over, but there were still things I wanted to share with you, and they are still completely relevant now--because they are about how you can get some lovely gifts for others while helping fund adoptions!

This one can't wait--I just saw notice of it, and the sale is just for today!

The store is Sugar Plum Orphans, on Etsy, and here is what the seller just wrote on her facebook page today:

LAST CALL!!!! I have an all-day show tomorrow, and want to be done selling/shipping things from Etsy after that and focus on other things. So I will probably close down my Etsy shop tomorrow. If you want anything for your girls, to help bring OUR girls home, shop tonight because I might sell it tomorrow at the show. :) Use code SAVE15 for 15% off!

So if you are in the market for any totally girlie hair bows or hats for a baby girl, please stop by and check out what they have available!