Running from my email tonight. . .

Have you ever opened up your email program and clicked on an email, and the first words you read made you immediately tense and think, "D'oh!" and so you quickly clicked on another one, and it made your stomach roll and you actually heard yourself utter, "Ack!" And after that you glanced at the other emails waiting for your attention and your heart started pounding and your teeth clenched and then you decided just to close Outlook and walk away from the computer?

OK, maybe this was just me, just tonight. But I sat down earlier, unsuspecting, to find a piece of info for DH in an email, saw I had several new emails and as I glanced at them the above scenario unfurled.

--An email from Mom asking if we opened the package she lovingly sent for Merry, containing a beautiful new handmade and hand-smocked dress, which we have had for TWO DAYS and have not opened, because I stuck it away after it arrived TWO DAYS AGO so it would not distract the girls until they had finished their schoolwork (we started "summer school" this week, to get us back in gear before the Fall officially begins, and I am being a stickler about the clock this week--more on this later) and then which we kept forgetting to open and now tonight the girls are off with DH at a beach bonfire and won't get back until way, way too late for opening the package so I can't pull it out until tomorrow and by then it will have been THREE DAYS and sure makes me look uncaring and ungrateful. (Mom, does this serve as an apology?)

--An email from a guy I was re-acquainted with two weekends ago at the reunion, who I knew from middle school and high school, and who I discovered lives about an hour away from me now here in CA. He was always a nice guy, and TOTALLY cute. I had a little crush on him in 8th grade. And he was definitely the best dressed guy both in HS and at the reunion. Although at the reunion Mina and Susan and I were debating if even though he was married and is recently divorced, he might swing both ways, if you know what I mean. So it was fun to be friendly when I first saw him again, and say (and mean) "We'll have to get together sometime out in CA." But over the course of the weekend, he came across as a high-living, high-fashion guy who I don't know would be interested in anything I could possibly say. You know, the type of person who is so outgoing and friendly--the life of the party--but seems above anything too "real" (like I imagine, oh, just about everything in my life, like children and tiny dirty houses).

Of course he emailed to say he is going to be in our area this upcoming weekend and will have free time both Sat and Sunday afternoons, if we want to get together. ACK! Suddenly I felt all insecure, which was so weird--I consider myself typically confident in who I am and perfectly at peace with my life as it is (well, on good days that is. ; ). But as it happens, my father-in-law is coming for the weekend, so I'll have to take a rain check. But seriously, the thought of my kids and life being presented to this classy, urban guy while the whole time I would be over-sensitive to any sign that he finds it all too weird or pathetic--sad, but it makes me want to throw up. Not that I would bring him anywhere even NEAR my home, which some members of our extended family--people who are supposedly "there for us"--liken to housing in third-world countries. It's not that I care about impressing him, seriously--it is more that I don't want to feel like I am supposed to, while knowing that I would only fall dramatically, hilariously short of doing so. Does any of that make sense? I love my life and am not ashamed of it--but then again, I don't parade it in front of people who are likely to be freaked out by it. Sigh.

--THEN I saw an email from facebook notifying me that I was a complete idiot to even begin to initiate rational political discourse with a good friend, in this case Mina. OK, that's not what the email said--which was that she had "commented to her status"--but that's what I read. ; ) The topic is California's Proposition 8. Let's just say Mina and I disagree on a lot of things that are very close to our individual core beings, and so now tonight I am sure Mina is asking herself for the hundreth time since two weekends ago, "Why am I friends with that girl?!" But then reminding herself that she finds me irresistable in my loyal and unwavering devotion to her and the others I love. And that I have impeccable taste in shoes.

And for the record, I think I am doing a pretty good job of presenting my stance logically and in the spirit of respectful disagreement--but it is taking so much mental effort, since the topic is a complete landmine field. I am presenting an unpopular view, and trying to do so while coming off as intelligent and civic-minded, and not a small-minded, gay-hating, uber-Conservative religious wacko. Which I am NOT but which Mina's fb friends are going to assume, so why oh why did I even go there, and since I did go there why do I even care what people think of me or my ideas, except the whole thing makes me feel just like the email #2, that I am somehow accidentally putting the things I value up for sneering and smearing. Sigh.

--And I'll leave you with a last email, which follows the same pattern as the others, which which ended nicely, and might give you a laugh. Earlier today I received an email from a prominent member our area homeschool community, an email she sent to everyone in the community highlighting a rabidly anti-homeschooling article she had come across that had one particularly notable response:

Hello there! This is an interesting topic. I come to this blog today and I see you have several sharp posts. Good job.
Unfortunately, it is true. Home schooling is the same as child abuse. Let me explain this to you.
These parents might have the good intentions. OK. Maybe these children will receive superior book education from a house. But, they are being robbed of many social benefits. There are benefits that you might not even understand now. Your child is at home all day with you? No. That is not good. It makes me sick.

Please listen. Parents here talk about scores. What is a score if your child can't live in the World? You need to realize it. Humans are a group species. You can probably learn a lot from the books if you are in a prison. So? You are in a dark place. No. Public is not perfect, but it is necessary. Improve it.

I see people of all shapes. What do I see? Stupid and broken brains. Wet children who are home schooled might be violent idiots. Or. They will be very depressed that they have no friends and they have never seen the sun. And maybe, they will grow up and kill their own children out of fear.

OK. This is something I need to think about. I will join the discussion again. Then, I will let you know where I take it. Thank you.

That the above supposedly represents a reasoned argument against homeschooling (I find it an argument for!) is funny, but I quickly stopped laughing when I clicked on the link she provided to the original article--the man is clearly snti-Christian, and his rhetoric, brief as it is, is based upon fallacy and illogic. And it prompted me to respond to the homeschool group to share my dismay that people like this guy always jump to the assumption that Christians are ignorant, and willfully propagate that ignorance in their children by shutting them off from the dangerous world of free thinking and throwing the laws of nature and all rational, critical thought out the window. Which means once again I was writing about a hot-button topic to a mostly liberal audience, who most likely agreed with the author on the issue at hand, and I was trying to casually remind them that Christian ideas are as valid as non-Christian ones, and no ideas should be fearful to those who embrace Education as a philosophy, as most homeschool families do--while once again trying not to sound like a small-minded, uber-conservative religious wacko.

Sigh. Again, why did I go there? Why am I suddenly today deciding to speak out against what I see as slanderous illogic? Why do I suddenly care enough about the world's tolerance of Ideas Like Mine and perception of People Like Me to enter into difficult dialogue that offers me no benefit, but potentially unpleasantness and danger?

But my faith (ha!) in the generous and open-minded nature of our area's homeschool community was affirmed with the response I got back from the member who sent the original email; she wrote:

Yes, I find that reading incendiary blogs can make you feel like there are lots of irrational people in the world! There are, but thankfully, all of us homeschoolers here in Santa Cruz are the height of calm, rational thought! :) But remember, "Wet children who are home schooled might be violent idiots!"

In other words, keep 'em dry and you'll be OK.

Ah, to the gentle humor that turneth away wrath. : ) I think I need to remember that this week, and keep myself out of further trouble.

That and stay off the computer.

UPDATE:

Re: Email #2.  Talked with Susan, who reminded me that most people say "we'll have to get together sometime" and never follow through.  This guy did, which says a lot for a) him being a nice guy, and/or 2) him not thinking I will be terrible company.  She is so right--at the reunion when the organizer had a bit too much to drink and was still planning on driving herself home, this guy stepped in and tactfully and gracefully took care of her.  Why was I yesterday so worried about freaking him out with the realities of my life?  Sheesh--seriously, I was not myself yesterday.  So I just emailed him and suggested we meet for coffee or something for an hour this weekend (without Doug, since his dad will be here, but also without kids!).