disconcerting memory lack

Today as I had a moment of downtime, I found myself thinking about childbirth. And I realized I cannot recall E's birth. At all. The reason: I can't remember what the room looked like. I guess being a visual person means my memory depends upon more visual input than I had realized, and so I can right now tell you about the births of each of the girls, because I can remember the rooms and what things looked like while I was in labor. But at the moment I can't picture my surroundings during E's birth and so I cannot remember any of the birth, even how many times I pushed before he was born. It was more than 3, but less than 6, I am pretty sure. But I really have no recollection.

(In fact, when I was 8 mo pregnant with E and I started early labor and we went to the hospital and they put me in a room for observation, I remember being bummed because it was the exact same room in which we had delivered B, and I did not want the memories confused! But that time the labor fizzled out, so we went home and ended up in a different room after all, the next month.)

I do remember the room they moved us to after E's delivery--and unless they have two exactly the same, it was the same oddly-configured room you were in, Rosa, after H.O. was born! Because I can picture that room, I can remember the early attempts at nursing E, and lying with him in my arms, and changing his clothes, etc. And my favorite memory, when Becky brought her twin 6 yr old girls to see us right before we left the hospital, and turns out her husband Dan was with them and they all came in and the girls held baby E and then Dan--who is one of the founding pastors of our church, Vintage Faith--gathered his adorable family around and they all put a hand on little E and Dan prayed a blessing for him. My heart melted. It was the most lovely way to leave the hospital and start life with #4, and a boy to boot.

I guess if there is anything I would want to remember from the birth, it would be that. But I am not ready to let go of the details yet, I want to remember the whole story. . . .

I think I need more quiet time, a mental space to relax and try to get my bearings. And maybe when I remember, because I am pretty sure I will at some point, this time I will write it down.