This is one of my all time favorite paintings, which I first saw in person at the MOMA while visiting during college. I don't even know why it caught me so instantly when I first saw it so many years ago, but I had a little revelation today about why the image has stuck with me all these years.
I have mentioned already a couple of times in this blog some phrases that I meant to get back to and explain. This past Christmas D's grandma bought me a copy of the book by Gary Chapman called "The Five Love Languages." I am sure many of you have heard of this idea (the cover proclaims that it was a NYT bestseller), and some of you have read the book. I had heard about it for a while, but scorned the idea that a book that sounded so trite and simplistic (which it is, in a few places) could offer anything of lasting significance to my marriage.
Oh, how the proud are quickly felled. I read the book and not only needed to hear some of what it had to say, but will go so far as to recommend it to any of you readers. Don't run out and buy it or anything, but you can borrow mine! I did not really learn anything new, per se, but I saw what I already knew in new light, with new implications for marital harmony. There are too many interesting thoughts to note here, so I will just mention a few. I think my two primary love languages are "Loving Acts of Service" and "Words of Affirmation." Oddly enough, I am hesitant to declare these unequivocally my love languages, because I have wondered if the first one is more a result of our current lifestyle (no bathroom sink for 2 months = unlove, no matter what your love language! anything D does to improve our home does make me feel loved and taken care of, but would I feel it so strongly if we lived in a house without so many things needing work?), and if the second is really true or just based upon the assumption that since I am naturally verbose and give words of affirmation to my friends, then that must be what I desire in return. You know, we tend to show love to others in the ways we want to receive it.
Anyway, I guess it does not really matter what the two main ones are. I do feel loved when people do something to show love for me.
And this brings me back to the painting. Now I wonder if this is a clue to my love languages too. Looking at it today, I think it demonstrates the husband loving his wife through "Loving Acts of Service," literally "bending over backwards" to show her his love with flowers on her birthday. For me the bending emphasizes his actions, not the gift itself--getting her the flowers was the gift, not the flowers themselves, if you can see my subtle distinction. It is clear his heart is full of estatic love at that moment, and he wants to DO something to show her his love. And for some reason I like that the moment is not necessarily mutual--that she is surprised by his outpouring, even a little taken aback. She is receiving, not reciprocating, and the warm blush of love will come later.
. . . . . . . . . . . .
This idea of love languages is also helpful when thinking about parenting, of which I have doing a lot recently. I will quote now from the book:
Dr. Ross Campbell, the sypchiatrist who first told me about the emotional love tank, says that in his many years of treating adolescents who have been involved in sexual misconduct, he has never treated such an adolescent whose emotional need for love has been met by the parents. His opinion was that almost all sexual misconduct in adolescents is rooted in an empty emotional love tank. . . .
Do the parents, in fact, love that teenager? In the majority of cases, they do. Then what's the problem? Very likely, the parents never learned how to communicate love in a language the child could understand.
As probably all parents do, I fear I will somehow "mess up" my kids "for good." So now I am trying not only to figure out what my children's emotional love languages might be, but also to gear my parenting (including discipline and comforting) towards that child's recognition of love. Since I am not sure, I am also trying to show love to the girls using all the love languages: Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Loving Acts of Service, Quality Time, and Gifts. So far I think G is reached most by words and gifts, M by touch and maybe quality time, B . . . probably quality time? and E seems to definitely demand quality time (I don't just mean because he is a baby--he really wants eye contact and physical attention). And so far it seems this awareness is helping the atmosphere here at home. For example, when M is acting out and being purposefully annoying to her sisters and not heeding my warnings, instead of allowing the negativity to escalate to the usual consequence--one swat on the rear, which must be emotionally painful to a child who receives love through physical touch, even if the swat itself is not hard--I am trying to view her acting out as a sign that her emotional love tank (like a gas tank in a car, in the book's lingo) is empty, and I try to fill it with a moment of positive touch (cuddling, tickling, etc.). At least for that child, it seems to be working.
And if you can figure out your child's love language(s), then in theory you can also stave off the negativity altogether. The idea--which comes from an excellent video we rented from Netflix called "The Happiest Toddler on the Block," by Dr. Harvey Karp--is called "feeding the meter." Dr. Karp says that you should give attention to your child briefly but frequently throughout the day, to help the child feel loved and connected to you--because a child who feels loved and connected to you will not act out. I think Dr. Chapman's love languages would fit really well into this idea, since a parking meter in Canada would not accept the same coinage as one in Santa Cruz. Paying the meter is the specific purpose--but what you put into it depends on where you are. So I will feed M's meter differently than B's, etc.
Another horrendously long posting! But these are things that float around in my mind for weeks at a time while I am processing. . . and if it sticks with me for that long, I figure it might be worth sharing.
In thinking further about the painting, I also realized another reason why I really like it: it was painted on cardboard. Like Chagall was not planning on painting a masterpiece that day, but was just working creatively with what he had to see where it went. And the result ended up in the permanent collection of the MOMA.
ReplyDeleteIs this another methaphor for me in the hands of God? or my daily life in my own hands? about from the most humble of foundations can come something of eternal beauty that resonates beyond the artist and makes a lasting impression upon the thinking world? about making the most of what we are given to work with?
I am sure there is a good idea in there somewhere that deserves further reflection, but I am all out of words for today. : )
I love this post! M and Hannah are so alike-I totally agree with what you said about cuddling her when she acts out! And the thing about teenagers having an empty "love tank". That right there describes my teenage years, for sure
ReplyDeleteThank, Sara. RE-reading this posting just now, I see how inadequately I described my feelings about the painting, about the parenting thoughts--so I am glad you got something from it. : )
ReplyDelete