What Love Looks Like (Exhibit A)

Before:

After:

Can you see the difference?  (Click on the images to see them larger)

Just in case you need a closer view to be sure:

Before:

After:

You see, at Thanksgiving we took some photos out in the front of DH's parent's yard after church, while MIL was in the house getting lunch on the table.  MIL knew we were taking some, and had FIL take some with their camera.  When we were done and went into the house, MIL immediately downloaded the photos so she could see them.  And then she lamented the sad state of the fence behind us, and I think was a little bummed that the paint-worn and peeling fence would be so prominent in the photos.  (They have a large property to care for, but take excellent care of it--this part of the yard is not used as much, so the fence had thus far escaped their attention, to MIL's chagrin.)

This photo pose of "Opa" and the kids I had set up as a surprise, and so MIL had not seen it.  I had planned on enlarging it and framing it for a Christmas gift, but knew--after hearing her comments about the fence--that I would have to get creative with the image to make it gift-worthy.

It took me a week of sitting in front of the computer whenever I had a chance, trying out two different "photoshop" programs, trying different methods of "painting," and finally just re-coloring pixel by pixel at 800% resolution in small patches at a time.  As you can imagine, my mouse arm got really tired--but my Obsessive Compulsive urges were well gratified, and overall it was fun! Best of all, I was really pleased with the results, so it was all worth it!

I framed one of DH's sister and her family too, in a matching frame, and I think MIL liked them:

(Remember these frames?  If you like them, they are still available, still at a great price!  If you sign up for the company emails, you can wait to order when there are free shipping deals, like I did.)

The results were so good that MIL did not notice anything about the fence when she opened it, even if I asked her if anything looked different.  So, yes, I did tell her I had "painted" the fence.  I wanted her to realize that I had known she cared, and had gone to the effort to make it more what would make her happy.  I wanted her to feel my thought and love, esp. since she keeps saying love is "doing."  I hope she felt it!

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My dear Readers!  I thought it might be really fun to share stories of What Love Looks Like with one another.  So, if you have a Christmas WLLL story to share, please feel free to blog about it and then leave the link here in the comments, or just leave your story here in the comments.  : )

P.S.  If you had any trouble loading these pics, please let me know--new program, larger files, want to make sure no one has trouble with them!

The skinny on Christmas

I am so sorry I have not blogged yet about how Christmas went!  We got back late Mon. night, and the rest of the week has been a blur of high-maintenance children (the usual post-holiday decompression--but they are responding SO WELL to the crack-down parenting, so I am truly thankful!), trying to deep-clean cupboards and closets to find good homes for the new things, trying to get our schooling up and running again (after 4 weeks of school-lite, we could not afford a holiday week, given our goals for the year, which I promise to write about at some point), and still being sick from last week (did I mention it?  Oh, we have all been fighting off a bad cold, and while no one has been horribly sick except DH, we're all pretty run down). 

And then we got a call on Weds. that DH's parents wanted to come down here this weekend.  Well. . . (desperate looking around at bags on the living room floor yet to be unpacked, cleaning that never got done the week before Christmas, piles of laundry) sure!  Come on down!

Because you know what?  We had a REALLY GOOD Christmas with DH's folks!  In fact, I have not seen MIL so relaxed and at peace in a very, very long time.  Amen and Hallelujah!  We opened WAY more presents than we expected, but they demonstrated that the givers were doing their best to be thoughtful in their gift selection, which is a kind of love, which is what giving at Christmas is all about! YAY! 

So, thank you to all who prayed--God cleary did a really good work in both me and MIL in preparing us for such a good time together, when there had been so much stress and strain previously (not just involving me and her, but that's all I have shared with you--the rest is not my story to tell). 

And you know what, I think the letters did some good too!  When we had opened all those presents, I admit to one teeny tiny moment of discouragement when I thought my last letter had done no good, and realized that it is just too hard for DH's parents not to give in abundance, so we are going to be juggling too. much. stuff. probably forever.  But then, I stopped and saw all the thought behind the gifts, and what a good sign that was.  And then I realized (or maybe the Holy Spirit whispered) that I was hoping the letters would lead to less stuff, but maybe that's not what they were for--maybe they helped MIL feel loved, and maybe helped clear the air, so maybe they also contributed to the peace surrounding MIL.  Well, I would MUCH rather have a peace-filled Christmas, and see MIL so content, than have one less piece of fun new stuff.   : ) 

So, that is the end of the saga of the stuff letters.  I still want to write about the beginnings of the whole thing--the Christmas long ago that started it all--the comments to the last one made me realize I had not given the least helpful background before jumping in, since I forget you all don't live in my head and know everything already--but, once again, it will have to wait!  "Oma" and "Opa" will be here any minute, and while the house is pretty darn good, there are more things I still want to do, cleaning wise.

I just sat down for a moment since I probably won't have much of a chance to blog this weekend now.  Oh, but there are SO MANY fun things to share with you all!  I still have stories and pics from Fall I never got to share.  I'm not ready for the New Year!  But, ready or not, here it comes. 

So, Happy New Year, everyone!

And if you want some good God-stuff to end the year with, here is a great post today from The Blessing of Verity. 

(Rebecca, just thought I would let you know on the menu this weekend--homemade ice cream!  Thank you for last year's ice cream ball, and I'm so bummed we did not think to get it out this summer when you all were here.  Mom, I forgot to mention I actually baked with the girls, and in honor of Nostalgia, we made Snowball cookies and Coconut Candy Balls!  So as we share our treats with DH's folks, we will be thinking of you. : )

looking forward to Christmas, and praying for peace

So, I really debated whether or not to share those letters I wrote.  On one hand, it is very personal, and it seems a little vulnerable to share here.  On the other hand, I have a feeling that I am not the only one out there who has been struggling with loving someone, fully, even if it is hard.  I also have gotten the feeling--from past comments, from posts on other blogs, from conversations with friends--that other women my age are struggling with receiving gifts from parents/in-laws/grandparents, who may be giving with loving intentions but with an overabundance, or without carefully thinking of the family's spac, values, etc.  It is soooooooo hard to talk about gift giving, and how it can be done with greater thought and care, without hurting someone's feelings.   Or without sounding like the biggest, ego-centric grinch. 

It was especially hard to write that second letter to MIL, because I know it sounded so rude and selfish, like it is "all about me."  But that was the problem--I could only write my side of the issue, talk about my feelings, and what would help me feel loved in gift-giving.  I could not talk about her--that's not my place.  And I chose not to write from the perspective of what I want her to do, because I don't want to be telling her what to do--that's not my place either, and that is certainly rude to be telling someone they have to get you such and such gifts.  So instead of saying "I would really appreciate gifts like this." I phrased it as I did: "I feel loved when I receive a gift like this."  I chose that phrasing to emphasize feeling loved--because isn't that the goal, to give gifts to one another so they feel loved?  I also chose that wording because it does not focus on past gift-giving, but on the present and the future of our gift-giving.  It was really hard, too, because that wording--"I feel loved when"--really does sound all self-focused.  Like it's all about me.  It leaves me open to that negative interpretation, and also to the vulnerability of expressing desires that the person on the other end now has the perceived power to honor or to not. 

So, I chose vulnerability, and openness.  Even though it made me look like a schmuck.

And lo and behold, while MIL did not acknowledge the first letter--which did not surprise me--she did the second, and sent me an email, which opened up a dialogue, of sorts.  I debated about sharing that too, since it is one thing to share what I write and say, but another thing to share what someone else does.  But in the end, I decided in this case it is ok, since her correspondence with me was not at all personal, and does not show her in a negative light in the least.  What it does show is how hard it is for us to engage in meaningful dialogue about the things that come between us, how hard it is to work through them.  It is almost like we speak different languages.

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Just got your letter but don't have time to read it as we're off to the church musical....

but just so you know...

I think your generation is too interspective..... (trying to psyco-analyize everthing that drives our generation crazy)

Our generation is doers....

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Hope you had a good time at the church musical. We were at [Merry] and [Sunny]'s music recital. They did a really nice job.

I took video of their performances, so if they turn out well, I will share them on facebook. (Last time the sound was not good enough, but we'll see!)

It may be my generation, or it may just be me. ; ) If your generation are "doers," then just let me know what you want to "do."

I understand that you are very busy, so you can decide if/when you have time to read the letter. I wrote it only in case it could be a beginning

of dialogue between us on some things that seem to be hindering our relationship. I wrote my perspective, and you just give your perspective

back whenever/however you see fit. I will look forward to hearing whatever you want to share of your own needs, wants, hopes, etc.

Hope you both have a good weekend.


lisa

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P.S.

I am a financial analyst....

"One" and "One" equals two.....

It just is...

I don't ask the "1" how it feels, I really don't care. Is it a "1" or not. If it is it goes here, if it isn't it goes there....

Get it?

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Hmmmm. I understand your words, but not the analogy, how this idea relates to you and I and more loving gift-giving and receiving. I want to understand your thoughts on the matter, so we can keep growing in unity the way God desires. So if you have a chance to expand this idea, I will be glad to listen.

lisa

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what I'm saying is I don't like analysis....

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Ok, then. We don't have to talk about the "why's" (analysis), we can just skip to the "what's" (practical solutions). Can you suggest some ways we can do things differently in the future so neither one of us ends up frustrated with our gift-giving and receiving, and no one's feelings get hurt unintentionally?

lisa

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No... we either give something or don't and the person either accepts it or doesn't.

I think we're from two different generations :)

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Ok. I just wanted you to know I care and that I don't want "stuff" to hurt our relationship any more. : )

lisa

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It was so frustrating, to be emailing back and forth, actually "talking" about this issue that MIL has said has really hurt her and will likely continue to hurt her, but without anything getting resolved.  BUT I really appreciated that she acklowledged the letter, and her tone at the end was postive--see the little smiley emoticon?  She was letting me know that she did not want to fight, and really just wanted to pretend all is fine. 

And that IS fine.  We can move forward with even that much understanding.  And if/when the issue comes up in the future, I can remind her of this conversation, and see if I can get her to verbalize a little more of what she wants us to do in the future so she knows we are really trying to be considerate of her feelings.  So she feels our love.  But the really good thing about all this--the letters and the ensuing emails--is that I feel absolved from the conflict.  I feel like I genuinely did my best to resolve the issue, and while we did not actually resolve it, I did my part--so I don't have to feel ANY guilt any more.  None.  And I have been feeling guilt (and someone has been wanting me to feel guilt) for years.  I feel like I am out from under a huge weight!

I know the problem is not actually solved, and the conversation will continue.  But at least I feel like we can start afresh now, this Christmas, and move forward in freedom and love.  That is huge for me, and I hope MIL feels even a little of the same. 

  .   .   .   .   .   .   .  

My relations and friends who pray, I do have a request, though.  There have been other signs (besides that email conversation, and just recently) that STUFF might be something Satan uses to cause more conflict this Christmas.  I think DH's parents are really truly vulnerable to this attack, particularly this year.  And for some trully bizarre reason, DH and I have had two semi-bad arguments just in the past two days.  Seriously, after the second one this morning, I am starting to feel like this is also spiritual attack, that the Deceiver might be trying to get us on edge and disunified before we even get up to DH's parents' place, so we will be even more vulnerable to conflict, hurt feelings, misunderstandings, etc.  Will those of you who understand what I am talking about please pray for me, for DH, for his parents this weekend? 

.   .   .   .   .   .   .  .

My friends, family, readers,

I am praying all of you have a safe, PEACE-FILLED, wonderful Christmas weekend.

on the language of unlove--the second letter

Dear R---,

When I sat down to write that last letter to you, I actually intended to write about gift giving and receiving, but was completely surprised to find that the Holy Spirit had other plans! So I filled that first letter with the things that must have been needing said the most—how important you are to me.

But now Christmas is fast approaching, so I need to now write the things I meant to in the first letter, so hopefully whatever giving we do this Christmas is done freely and without any lingering of hurt from years past. I'm not intending this to be a list of gift ideas, but more a step towards our better understanding of one another.

You love to give gifts—and giving gifts is one way you show love to us. I love to give too. So it is sadly ironic that gift-giving seems to have become a language of “unlove” between you and I, that becomes like a gap between us, relationally. I have been thinking about this for some time, wondering how we can bridge that gap, how we can each learn new ways of giving and receiving gifts that the other will understand as love. Here I'll try to share some of the specific ways I have thought of that I most feel loved when receiving gifts. I would very much hearing yours in return, sometime when you have had a chance to think through what most matters to you, and how you most feel loved when giving and receiving gifts.

Idea #1—I feel loved when I receive a gift that is exactly what I wanted and needed.

You have been so thoughtful in past years, R---, taking me shopping so I could pick out things that fit my wardrobe needs, asking for specific lists, or telling me to go pick out the one I like (like the leather coat). I don't have room to keep things that don't fit my needs, so it is so great to be able to choose the items that I know we can get the most use and pleasure out of. Gift certificates are always a good fit too—a C*stco gift card may not be glamorous, but would sure be used and appreciated. ; )

Idea #2—I feel loved when I receive a gift that shows the giver cares about what is important to me.

There are life values you and I sometimes chat about when we are together, things that I am working on to improve my family's health and build our faithfulness as good stewards, like trying to eat more raw foods, trying to buy things made in the USA, trying to avoid plastic, trying to buy fair trade. When you give me a gift that directly reflects those conversations, that shows you listen to my values and cares and encourages my desire to be a better homemaker, steward, consumer, etc.--like the VitaMix, or toys for the kids made of wood--I feel loved, and you and I often have the chance to grow closer by focusing on beliefs and values we have in common.

Idea #3—I feel loved when I receive a gift that blesses others.

You have said many times that we don't need anything, that the kids in Arun's orphanage should remind us of how little we need, and how much we should appreciate what we have. So true! Remembering those less fortunate while gift-giving and receiving helps keep the focus of Christmas on Christ, Love Incarnate. For me, personally, any gift you want to give in my name to an orphanage or Christ-serving charity is a fabulous gift! It's like I get to share in the joy of the gift-giving, and the pleasure of receiving, all at once! What's not to love?

Idea #4—I feel loved when I receive a gift that honors the nature of my unique home.

We have received many good gifts from you over the years—things that beautify our living space, or are useful, or which we wear all the time, or which provide enjoyment for our family. You have given a lot of thoughtful gifts, gifts that showed love and care, and that encouraged creativity and brought us pleasure. We have been so blessed, in so many ways, and you and J--'s generosity is one clear source. We are just now starting to feel the squeeze of material goods in our little house, and that is not necessarily a bad thing, since it reflects the abundance of our blessings. But it does mean we can't continue to bring in material goods at the same pace as we have in past years, which is also not a nad thing, since we have very few real needs, now we have the perfect opportunity to try to make gift-giving and receiving more simple, heartfelt, and less focused on material things. So now I find that any gift that does not require me to get even more creative with our storage space is an extra blessing! Food treats, art supplies, family adventures, classes—all things you have given us in the past—I appreciate more and more these days. And sometimes the non-material gifts can be the most helpful, too; for example, this Fall we did not have as much school funding to spread around, and so there were fun things we could not do, like the Mad M*lecule science parties, that would be a fantastic grandparent gift—same with a gift certificate to L-----' Academy of Martial Arts (the school does not cover the testing fees, which get higher as your child advances!).

Idea #5--I feel loved when I receive a gift that does not add one more thing to my “to do” list.

I am in a season of life where I feel like my energy, my free time, my mental abilities, all seem to be pretty full up. (I have a feeling you might say the same thing!) I only have so many resources, and they are pretty well accounted for at the moment. So gifts that don't require regular maintenance or special treatment or learning new skills are also blessings.

Idea #6—I feel loved when I receive a gift with no strings attached (other than gift wrapping!).

There are lots of really good things out there in the world, beautiful things, practical things, desirable things—but even if they are really good things, they may not be the right things for me. The gift may have been thoughtful, meaningful, good—exactly the kind of gift I love to receive. But it still might sometimes not work out, or be the blessing the giver intended, and if such a situation happens, I want to hold onto and cherish the giver, and the thought and the meaning and the good, but not have to hold onto the thing. A gift that is given freely, without strings, is really love for me.

So, those are the ideas that I could pinpoint as I sat down to really think through and process the whole idea of giving and receiving as a language of love, or sometimes unlove. You and I have been learning and growing so much together, even in the past year, and I am sure we will figure out how to “speak” one another's gift languages. I care immensely about your feelings in this area, and never want you to feel unappreciated or unloved ever again in how you and I give and receive gifts between our families and one another. I want gifts to be fun and relationship-building, and want to hear your thoughts and feelings about how you are best loved through gift giving and receiving. I want to give you gifts that will show you love in the ways you interpret it. Most of all, I want to learn to give and receive in ways that honor Jesus, not just at Christmastime, but all the time.

With all this said, if you don't feel like giving me any gifts at all this year, I don't blame you. ; ) It's not like you owe me anything, or have not already given me so much, or like I deserve anything. There is one gift I would like to ask from you, though. It's that you accept this letter, and the one that came before, as a sign of my commitment to loving you long-term, in all the beautiful and best ways God has in store.

With lots of love,

Lisa

The letter the Holy Spirit wrote

Last week there were two times when out of the blue, I needed all my writing and reasoning and pacifying skills for responding to emails of people offended by/upset at me.  The dialogue with the un-churched homeschool community went well, I think, and one brave mom even came to our party with her kids in response to the invite. : )  The whole eBay thing is still going on--let's just say the seller has proven herself to be a particularly malicious and low-class person.  I have opened a case with eBay, and I am not worried about getting my money refunded, but I admit I no longer feel any empathy for her--and yet, even as I am working with customer support to try to get her penalized somehow for how she has harassed me through their email system, which should not happen, I keep hearing that little nudge in the back of my mind that even now, as I seek justice, I should respond with grace.  So, I have not responded to any of her insults with my own insults, and I guess that is what grace looks like in this case!

But anyway, I told you all that it was so strange to me to all of a sudden be finding myself in these situations--because see, it started Thanksgiving weekend, when we were with DH's parents at their home.  It was--wow!--two years ago when I last wrote about this topic, and I meant to go back and share the full story.  I really still want to do that, but once again don't have time to go all into it.  But let's just say, at this Thanksgiving MIL once again told me I/we had ruined Christmas forever for her, because of past hurts--things that she feels we did out of complete disregard for her feelings, that we did on purpose, and that she thinks reflect who we really are inside (which I guess would be insensitive, completely selfish, egotistical, and heartless). 

It is really hard to see ourselves through her eyes--I see why she thinks what she does, and it is sure unattractive, and yet it is also not honest or true.  But she thinks it is. Or chooses to think it is.  Not sure how much difference there is between the two.

Anyway, I think this whole thing has been building to a head, and this will hopefully be the year it all comes out and we can move on and start re-learning how to better give and receive gifts so STUFF does not have the negative, unhealthy, unGodly power in our relationship that it currently has. 

(By the way, my words are completely depleted, after last week's surge of activity, and my time for writing is almost out, so if this does not make sense, I'll come back and clarify, ok?)

So after Thanksgiving, I knew it was TIME.  Time to actually talk about these issues, so there are no more negative conversations in the kitchen over holidays, so I know MIL has heard me try to make it right, so we can try to move on in a more healthy way of interacting.  It is time to leave the hurtful past in the past, and just do our best to love as fully as possible from now on.

SO.  I wrote a couple of letters to MIL a couple of weeks ago.  (I have done this every few years, when there is some big issue that MIL and I clearly need to work through but which we can not seem to actually talk about.  I write a letter, soooooo careful in my wording, always make it about our relationship and not about who is right or wrong, focus on healing and the future, and make a few very clear requests for our future interactions.  MIL has never responded or even acknowledged my letters in any way, but I know she has read them, and she has even listened, because over time I realize the issues we were having that I addressed in the letter are not nearly as bad.  So I decided it was time for another letter, this one about more healthy ways to give and receive gifts this year and in the future. 

I made time, got everyone settled so I had a quiet house, sat down--and the letter that flowed out was nothing like what I had planned on writing.  And yet, I knew it was what I was supposed to write.  So I thought I would share with you all the letter that the Holy Spirit wrote:

Dear R---,

Thank you for a lovely Thanksgiving—we really appreciated all your hard work getting ready for it, the food, everything. We are so glad to have family close enough to celebrate with, and all the favorite family foods, the games, the time together, etc. are what make the holiday special.

When we were together and talking, there were several times that past hurts came up in the conversation, especially painful memories about giving and receiving gone wrong. I am so glad that we can talk about such things, and are learning how to be honest and vulnerable and yet considerate with one another when we do. God has placed us in relationship on purpose—for better or for worse. ; ) And we know His purpose can only be good, for both of us. I thank Him for how He uses you to help me grow and learn, and I hope He will sometimes use me to further His good work in you. And I am thankful for you. For who you are--your skills, your talents, your wisdom, your energy, your attention to detail, your sense of justice, your desire to live a life pleasing to God.

Thank you for loving our family so much! You (and J--, of course, but he can wait for his own letter ; ) expend so much time and energy and skill and money to welcome us to your home, to celebrate the seasons and holidays and life with us, to help out at our home, to share adventures, to help meet our needs—all in the name of loving us. This so completely hands-on way of practical loving is not common, and you have been a blessing to me, D---, and the kids.

Thank you for being willing to move forward in relationship with me, even though you still feel hurt from past misunderstandings. I know you don't agree with that word, but it is truth—I have never, ever knowingly disregarded your feelings and always try to be considerate of your feelings. That is not the same as failing completely to love you in the way you wanted to be loved at any given moment! I have failed many times, and I will probably hurt your feelings again in the future, so when I do hurt you, would you please remember I never want to do so? Please extend as much patience and grace to me as you can, and I promise to do the same when you inadvertently hurt my feelings. God desires us to have unity, both as sisters in Christ, and as family. If you see a way we can grow in greater unity, please do let me know—you are my sister and my second mother, both of which I celebrate, and I sincerely pray for a long and fruitful and peace-filled and joyful lifetime with you.

There are other things I want to express, but they will have to wait for another day.

So, until then, I hope this Advent season God showers you and those you love with overwhelming abundance of love and joy, peace and goodwill.

Your daughter, in law and love,

Lisa

P.S. And I forgot to thank you in person for the lovely birthday card you sent me. It warmed my heart, and inspired this letter in return.

And would you believe, I meant every single word of it.  I just did not know I did until I wrote it. 

So, God definitely did something there.  I'll share Part Two of the story tomorrow.

pausing--for ART

The Accolade, by Edmund Blair Leighton (1853-1922)

I stumbled upon this beauty today in a completely random way (while reading online about historical Jewish texts and "the Dumb Goyim," which I stumbled upon while checking a definition while answering an email! So bizarre.)

Anyway, the image made me catch my breath.   I have never seen this painting, and it is just so beautiful. 

Modern artists have nothing on their elders.

Another view, slightly cropped and it looks like either enhanced or restored. 

Amazing.

(Don't forget you can click on the image to enlarge it--great time to!)

pausing--for CHOCOLATE

I just could not resist sharing this offer that came in my inbox today:

For my friends who know Fannie May candies from our growing up in the Midwest--WHOO-HOO!

For my friends who don't know Fannie May--YUM.

I am a wee bit bummed that I already bought my FM for Xmas presents, a few weeks back when they had a 30% off deal plus free shipping.  But then again, I'm happy to have my shopping done. 

But any of you who still need to get a Christmas present and know the person enjoys chocolate--consider this deal.  I personally recommend the Mint Meltaways (the mixed green and brown, not the holiday ones), the Trinadads, the dark chocolate caramels, the hostess mints, and the pixies.  There are LOTS of other ones I enjoy, but those are some of Fannie May's best.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.  Can't wait until Christmas!