FInishing Thoughts on Failing Sunday School

Boy, I did not mean to let that last post linger without follow-up for so long.  I never thought that last post would strike such a chord with you all, and I have really enjoyed reading your comments.  Lots of excellent points raised there!  Many of you have also shared your thoughts to me in email, or phone conversations. I appreciate how many of you cared about how I was feeling with Smiley's demotion, and wanted to offer suggestions.

And it made me realize I must have failed to strike the tone I intended in that last piece.  I was going for light humor with a touch of snark, but also acknowledgement of potentially meaningful educational ideology at play.  I think it came off instead like I was really upset, and am harboring resentment towards the Children's Ministry director.  So I want to reassure everyone that while the whole thing seemed to come out of the blue, and the director's response still puzzles me, I am NOT upset.

Most of all I want to make it clear that I have no hard feelings towards our Children's Ministry Director.  She is a lovely woman whom I like very much. She is a mom of two young boys, so I imagine would have reasonable and realistic expectations for boys Smiley's age in general.  I posted what I did because I saw the whole thing as stemming from a difference between the ways formally educated teachers (which the director is) and homeschool teachers view children and learning. So I thought it was worth thinking about--how do formally trained teachers view children's individuality/differences in the classroom?  How are common assumptions about what education is shaping how we do Sunday School, and is that good?  What are we really teaching our kids on Sunday mornings, and what ripple effect might those things have to our children as adults? 

For example--if we always give the kids one style of worship (which at our church is a young, energetic female leader up in front of the kids leading singing to pre-recorded praise songs with choreographed hand and body motions, VBS-style.  It is meant to be fun but I believe is unintentionally a little too "girly" and might understandably be alienating the boys, or making the older kids feel awkward) and say they *have* to do it with everyone else, what are we teaching them about corporate worship?  That it is dumb? That they have no choice? That following what everyone else is doing is more important than meaning it?  That worship is obeying a leader, instead of listening to God?  That the motions are what matter and not the heart?  What about kids who are in rebellion or who are not believers and just need to be accepted for where they are, and be welcomed and allowed to come and not participate as long as they are not disruptive?

Children's worship in Sunday school is just one of many things that we could talk about in such a vein.  We could also talk about the very structure of the time allotted for Sunday school, and what that says about our priorities.  For example, the last time DH and I led the 1st and 2nd grade class together on a Sunday morning, we had the kids sitting and listening to the Scripture reading for that day, but they did not understand the verse.  So I started to tell a story to illustrate the verse, to help them see what it was saying and how it applied to their lives.  It was one of those times when I must have been telling a story well, because the kids were all attentive, engaged--dare I say learning?--when the children's worship leader came to tell us we were late for the worship gathering.  So, we had to stop talking with a roomful of kids who were actually thinking about the Scripture verse and its meaning, and go wave our arms and stomp our feet in the name of Jesus.  Of course, I understand why they came to get us, and why they want all the kids in the large group time together--but with the crafts and games and all, the class ends up with about 10 minutes max to talk to the kids about the Bible, and clearly there is no flexibility for a group that gets really into the Word and wants to linger for a few more minutes in a "teachable moment."  What is all that saying about what we think is most important to teach the kids on Sunday morning? 

And these are the exact issues that stem from our Sunday Schools being modeled after traditional public schools. A model proven to be ineffective in the real world, I might add.  So if the public school model is failing at teaching our kids effectively about math, sciences, history, etc., why are we still using it as the foundation for how we teach kids about Jesus?

So the REAL problem with our Sunday Schools is that everyone is too used to the way things have always been done, and don't even question whether or not it is working, and what it is really teaching our kids about God and church.  Since Sunday Schools are modeled after public school, it would make perfect sense that a former public school teacher would be a really good Children's Ministry Director--and that she and I would not approach these issues the same way.  Homeschool parents naturally see outside the normal ways of doing things, and question everything (esp. authority ; ).  So I see what happened with our director and Smiley being demoted as being simply the result of a different way of thinking about educating kids, and I am completely ok with deferring to her preference on this one. 

But too, I think this situation is the result of the public school view of "socialization."

I think the Director thinks we are a little odd--just a little backwards/backwoods.  Truly, I am ok with that.  Some people have a really hard time understanding why others choose to homeschool, and I just think she is one of them, and it might be flavoring the way she views us--and thus Smiley's behavior in Sunday School. 

Once this past Spring she and I had a fascinating discussion after church on a Sunday.  It was that same week I mentioned above in the Scripture scenario, when DH and I were volunteering in the classroom.  We had gotten there a little late, so afterwards I went to apologize.  I also wanted to ask her not to schedule me for any more classroom time (I had never officially volunteered, but was being called a lot to fill in just because they know me) for a while, because it was too stressful for me to try to get to church early  (and was putting strain on my marriage).  This was in the middle of my depression and at the height of the crazy Spring schedule too, and underneath I was a complete mess even though I thought I was doing a pretty good job of looking normal on the outside, and I felt like I was Failing in pretty much every single aspect of my life, and was quite emotionally vulnerable.  And looking back, I was probably discouraged from "messing up" that morning's Sunday School class schedule by talking about the Bible longer than we were supposed to, and thus unknowingly holding up everyone else.  I already felt like I was always disappointing everyone and couldn't do anything right in other areas of my life, so that little moment of disapproval from the worship leader was like the straw that broke the camel's back.

So that morning, I let my overwhelmedness and sadness show for a moment, as I explained to the director why I couldn't handle the stress of feeling like I was failing at one more thing and so did not want any responsibilities in Children's Ministry at all.  I did not break down or cry or anything, but I am sure my brokenness came through in my face and voice.  And she was all sympathetic and understanding and sweet (because that is who she is) and then she brightly asked me something like, "So, if you don't mind telling me, what made you want to homeschool?" And I assumed this was a segue into a new life topic, and she was thinking about homeschooling her two young boys (SO many young moms from our church have jumped into homeschooling this year!) and so launched into an enthusiastic explanation about why we started, and how it has been such a great thing.  And when I finished my spiel, and she spoke again, it was to basically complete her original thought: "Because it sure seems like you are in over your head big time, and that's why you are such a mess."  She said it much more nicely than that, and I was touched that she cared.  But I was mentally smacking my forehead, that I had not inquired why she was asking before I told her all that stuff, because I realized she is not at all interested in homeschooling, she just thinks homeschooling is killing me and is not sure I can see that.  My reaction was quick, however, as I reassured her with disbelief: "Oh, no, not at all!  Homeschooling is the one thing going really WELL at the moment.  It's all the other things that are so hard right now!"  And it was true--homeschool was the one thing at that moment that was hard but at least rewarding.  (It was everything else in my life that pretty much sucked.)

So that conversation gave me new resolve not to let my brokenness slip out any more, and I think I did a fine job of functioning normally overall until God had me where He wanted me for receiving His truth and healing (which is still in process).  But it also reminded me of how most of the world just can't understand the beauty of homeschooling, esp. those who were formally educated.  (A lot of former Educators DO homeschool, or are able to see why it is a good choice for a lot of families, but I find that MOST Educators just can't go there--homeschooling challenges their very way of life, their identity, how they spend most of their time, the principles they have sacrificed so much for, and so they feel threatened by it.)

All that to say, when she and I spoke the other Sunday about Smiley moving back down to preschool, I had that prior conversation in the back of my head.  She just might have the teensy-tiniest thoughts about Smiley not being properly schooled/socialized, and that might be flavoring this decision to move him down. But again, this is not something I hold against her.  I just think her prior experience/indoctrination as a public school teacher is influencing her perspective on what it means for a kid to be ready, for a kid to be participating, for a kid to fit in, for a kid to be socialized, etc.  I am really and truly fine with her not having the same lens to view kids through that I as a homeschool mom have.  Everybody is limited in perspective--because we are all looking from different starting points.  We all just do the best we can with what we understand at the time, and I believe she believes this is best for everybody.  
 
Final thoughts:

-- I don't think she and I need to talk about it further, because I don't think that would change anything. 

--The whole brief discussion was also very awkward, and I don't want awkwardness between us, because she is a really nice woman and I am sure we will have a long relationship together as members of the same body.

--I appreciated that one of my reader friends, who also has kids in our Sunday School, asked me if anyone--the SS teachers or DH and I--had ever actually talked with Smiley about appropriate ways to show respect for the teacher and classroom.  No, I don't think anyone ever has--a great starting point!

--I'm not sure the director realized that Smiley is really, officially, in kindergarten--maybe that would have made a difference. 

--But maybe it would not have made any difference, given that she likely thinks he is not ready for the kindergarten class because he is not getting the benefits of "real" school and indoctrination into cultural norms (I'm realizing kindergarteners must not be allowed to lay on the floor while in school while learning.  Who knew? ; )

--I asked Merry and Happy about what Smiley had been doing during group time, and they did confirm that he was not going along with the hand motions or singing, and that he did lie down one time, and I guess overall he was not participating.  I asked Smiley about it, and he wanted to talk out of hearing of his sisters, and then he said he had been shy.  So, it does sound like his actions were being misinterpreted by everyone as immaturity--and what will happen to other shy kids who come? 

--And yet, maybe shyness leading to non-participation is immaturity. 

--Most importantly, Smiley is totally happy being back with his best buddy Hecho, and is building relationships with two other little boys that make me happy.  I do wonder what will happen in the future when we move him up again--is there some point at which they will realize he is a class behind his grade and want him to jump back up?  Or will Smiley realize at some point that he is not with the other boys in his grade and wonder why?  Ah, we will deal with such questions when they come.  For now, this is fine. 


Ok, so I think that covers everything.  Again, I really appreciated all of your comments and queries.  I believe it is really important that the church think through the messages we are sending our kids, and the things we are indoctrinating them into.  If what we are doing in any way hinders the Truth of God's love, Jesus's covering Grace, and the power of the Holy Spirit in our lives today, then it needs to change.  Maybe having so many homeschooling families at our church (15 so far!) will end up having a subtle effect on the church body in a good way. . . but I will trust God to lead me to know when to speak and when to be still.  This time I don't have any urge to speak, so am trusting I wasn't supposed to. : )

Much love to you all this fine Fall day!