We started out this summer with a whirlwind of travel and company, and then went camping last weekend with a bunch of families from church--which was AWESOME. If I had photos I would try to share it all with you, but even though we took our camera we never thought to get it out! I guess that means we were fully immersed in the relaxed fun of every minute.
Big Basin State Park camping 2013--a new annual tradition (I hope!)
I will say one thing about why that weekend was so great--the people. I don't think we would have had the same experience with different people. Nobody was uptight, no one had an agenda, no one put emotional stock into anyone else's choices. Saturday night some people put their kids to bed early, and some people didn't, but nobody tried to get anybody else to go along with their own ideas of what was best for the kids--even those people with little ones did not try to make everyone else shush around the campfire, you know what I mean? I realized that people just being themselves, and being ok with other people being themselves is what unity is about. (And let's face it--us all being pretty similar overall in how we parent/live makes it a whole lot easier.) It is peaceful--it is fun. It is what God has called us to be as a church body. I loved seeing that play out in the real world!
Well, ok, camping is not exactly the real world. But you know how camping kinda brings out who we really are? When no one is wearing makeup and nobody had the greatest night's sleep and the kids are running amok and maybe not doing that well with the big changes in routine--and it was all just so grace-filled.
This is not the first time recently I have experienced such wonderment at peaceful interactions in close quarters with other people: while helping my parents start settling into their new house I had a similar revelation. Carrying things into the house and helping unpack them was so much fun partly because nobody was uptight. Nobody was stressed, or worried that we weren't handling things correctly, or frustrated that we might put something in the wrong place--we were trusted to be careful and ask questions, and my parents are just not the kind of people to fuss over little things, so I'm sure if they saw something put in the wrong place they would either ask us to put it elsewhere or make a metal note to move it later. There was no "right way" to do things--and so then how could any of us be "wrong"?
My mother was a little blue, since she was missing their wonderful home and the town and people they loved back in IL, but she never turned those feelings into something that would hurt others. In fact, she thought about them, and then shared with the rest of us how the move was reminding her of when they had to clear our her own mother's house after she died--thereby turning the negative feelings and thoughts inside of her into a bonding moment with her family.
In start contrast is all the moving experiences we have had with DH's family. We have been in the moving process with DH's parents several times now. DH's father was so sweet to drive out to IL when DH and I got married and help take things back to CO. They helped when we moved from our little apartment into our first home there in CO (they also had helped us look for houses). Then we helped them pack up their things when they moved their large household goods from CO out here to CA. Then a few years later when we were going to come out to CA as well, they first helped DH clean the rental house we would be moving into and then orchestrated our move (we let them because they wanted to and we figured they were the experts, having been a military family and thus moving every few years all during DH's growing up) and even flew out to CO to drive the moving van and help us unload on the other end. (I've mentioned it before--they go ALL OUT when they think their kids need them!)
But all of those times were also fairly unpleasant and stressful for everyone involved, and our big move from CO so much so that it became a major turning point in our relationship (in a very good, albeit very painful way). So when we decided to buy this house (after renting elsewhere for the first 2 years) we chose not to even tell his parents about it--knowing they would hate the house and it would just lead to another big interpersonal mess. Of course it was just postponing the inevitable, but we imagined the fallout would be less if the deed were done, and if it did not appear we were expecting their help/blessing with the move. So actually they found out about the new house and the move when they wanted to go camping Labor Day weekend that year and we had to say, um, actually we are closing on our new house and moving in that weekend. It was not at all a mature way to handle it, and we would do it a lot differently now--but I think that just goes to show how shell-shocked we were from how negative and stressful the previous moving/house-getting experiences had been. And then they still came down even after the shock--and the hurt--of us purposefully leaving them out of such an important life decision, helped with some cleaning, and then voluntarily left their motorhome with us so that we could live in it while we were painting the ceiling and refinishing the floors, and offered to take our then-toddlers Sunny and Merry back with them to Chico for a week so we could work most productively.
DH's parents are at their hearts such good people. They only want the best for their kids, and they are willing to sacrifice enormously for their kids. They put their money/time/energy/labor where their mouths are. There is so much I want to commend them for! So that's what makes it all the harder when the interpersonal dysfunction then twists all those good loving instincts into a weapon of discord. : (
ANYWAY, I realized there at my parents' new house with my sister and her family and my parents all working in harmony--it does not have to be hard. It does not have to be stressful (I mean for those helping--I am sure my parents had their stresses!). People can just come alongside one another and help each other, love each other in practical ways, and it can be pleasant and even fun. I felt appreciated and helpful--instead of constantly chastised and fearful. My best was good enough--and somehow that awareness just made me want to actively love them even more. (I really need to figure out where I should apply this concept to my own parenting--and to my relationship with my MIL.)
I am so glad I had that time with my family working in harmony, and that time with the big group of families living (even if just rustically for a weekend) in harmony. It is so good to be reminded--in a summer when we will undoubtedly be spending a lot of time with DH's parents--that it is possible. And that it feels so good. So God. I hope that when we are with DH's parents we can contribute some of that relaxed, positive energy to the family time, and maybe even help remind them that such a dynamic is possible. : )
I realize I have been writing about my MIL a lot recently--way more than I ever have before! And more intimately too--which gives me new reason to consider the appropriateness of doing so on a public blog. I have always tried to write things that are true, that are not disrespectful, that I could say to my MIL's face. But my recent writings really start to blur that line--I have been more critical, I think, and have been analyzing her, speculating about possible inner thoughts and expectations. Whatever I write is not really about MIL, it is about me and whatever I need to know/can figure out to help make things better between us. Whatever little glimpses I think the Holy Spirit is giving me into what is truth, or folly, or hubris, or self-fulfilling prophecy. Most of all what He is teaching me about Love, and laying down myself fully. My MIL is my thorn and my foil--clearly one of the most effective tools God is using to shape me into the creation He wants me to be. I am sincerely thankful for her, in that regard, and trust completely that God is going to take us somewhere really good together! So when I write about the things that happen that I am struggling with, or that I am learning from, it is just part of making sense of the journey.
So with the big picture of my desire for growth and healing and restoration in mind, I think writing and sharing such things is ok. I don't think it is slanderous, or disrespectful. But that's different than it being wise. So, I'm wondering if I should make this blog private. Right now the settings are such that anyone who knows the blog name can find it, but search engines should not be pulling it up for random word hits. That really narrows down the possibilities of MIL stumbling upon it accidentally. I don't have this blog shown on my blogger profile, and am careful never to leave a link anywhere MIL might find it. But we have had a few scares--like the time my sweet sister Rebecca wanted to share a post I had written on facebook. Oh, I was flattered! But that whole "friend of a friend" thing was too risky, so I had to ask her to remove it. And my Blogspot address is very similar to my email address, so I have found that just by searching for the beginning of my email address with "blog" you can find this blog. That is a little too close for comfort.
The only reason not to be private is so that I can easily invite others to come visit--how do you casually invite someone to stop by a private blog? Being a regular visitor on so many other blogs, I really want them to be able to stop by my blog too, if they so desire, so they can "meet" the person who may very well be commenting on their personal life journey. Then it feels like we are part of a supportive online community, a sort of family, and I'm not some faceless stalker. (Well, ok, technically I am faceless on the sidebar, but that's because everything else about my blog represents me better than my face ever would!)
As always, I appreciate your kind advice.
I promise I will have other things to share besides MIL musings next week! Even if I don't, I'll post random pics or something. ; ) I hope you are all having a great weekend, wherever you are!
Well, if you decide to make your blog private, I would covet an invite!
ReplyDeleteFamilies are so fascinating. It's interesting to me to see how my life has changed by being part of Ryan's family for nearly 17 years of marriage. Maybe it's Ryan more than his family. I'm so much more laid back in my dealings with others, better able to avoid or diffuse drama, more careful with words, etc. I think some of what you're writing about the unity is about the atmosphere. I compare it to when you're in a room of people and someone is smoking. They are putting it into the atmosphere, meaning, what am I putting in to the atmosphere? Am I a pleasing aroma, or am I adding to the toxicity? I also was challenged by a book I read called Culture of Honor, which is all about honoring and respecting people and the blessing that comes from that.
I'm glad I made mine private. I had an issue with anonymous internet strangers who found my blog and were leaving nasty comments and I no longer felt safe putting my family out there like that. I have public blogs for other things, but I put a lot of detail about my personal life in my family blog that I don't think is safe to be out there. I don't think you have went into a ton of detail about your children here, so you're probably safe staying public, but you probably do need to ask yourself how you would feel if your MIL stumbled across it. What would that do to your relationship? Chances are she'll never see it, but you never know. You could get rid of any posts you don't want her to see if you don't want to go private.
ReplyDeleteAt any rate, I hope you'll let me continue to read if you do go private :)