New Year's Day does not define the year

I started this post yesterday, but decided I needed to post something much more cheerful for my first post of the new year. : )

Someone just told me (or I read on someone's blog--don't remember which) that how you spend the first day of the New Year sets the tone for the whole rest of the year.  Now, I don't know about you, but for me that is just self-defeating bunk.  At least for me this year, since DH's parents were here and so we did not do any of the things we normally would have done to celebrate.  And because on New Year's Day MIL finally let go of the Christmas spirit and started a big ol' fight with me. 

And that's ok--I mean, honestly, we knew the peace would not last forever, and am just so thankful it was present throughout Christmas.  And even this past weekend started out so great and fun.  The first night they came we all played Uno as a family and laughed and joked, and then after the kids were in bed the grown-ups played Hand and Foot (Chico style) and MIL and I were partners against the guys, and had a relaxed, fun game, and at one point when we were both teasing the guys about their playing strategy (for those who know the game, we were trying to bait them to pick up the discard pile and end up with a whole lot of red 3's when it would clearly not be in their interest to do so), MIL made the funniest comment and we both laughed so hard, and then could not even look at each other in the effort to control our late-night giggling.  That is now one of my favorite memories with her--next to sitting on the bed at her mom's house last year and sharing tears while she told me all about the tragic birth of my niece preemie Sweetness and the loss of her twin sister.  Such moments are very rare between me and MIL, and I treasure them. 

And there was positive even in the negative of the fighting.  (I always tell my kids it takes two to fight, so this is really not the right word to use, since I was not fighting back, but I just don't know what else to call such an intensely negative and passionate discussion.)  DH and I could feel the negative starting to build Sunday morning, so when it blew after church while MIL and I were making lunch, I was a little bit relieved to have it over with.  Also, I admit I was a little bit excited!  Because while I was standing there making food and getting an earful, and my heart was racing and my hands were shaking, I felt ready for the challenge, and could pray right then, "Ok, Lord, I knew this would come sometime, so how do you want me to put into practice the loving you have been teaching me about right now, at this moment?"  And so throughout the conversation I noticed positive changes in my own response, like:

--purposefully engaging (stopping my activities for moments at a time so I could use body language and good eye-contact to show sincere listening and care, when in the past I would have been acting really busy and avoiding eye-contact).

--not being overcome with dread or fear (besides the understandable "flight or fight" response).

--being firm in my stances when I should be, yet looking for ways to acknowledge her feelings and reassure her, but not just trying to placate at any (interpersonal) cost.

--not being shaken by anything dealt out (i.e. staying visibly calm and unruffled, but still warm and caring--bring it on, woman, because I am rooted in Truth in this moment, and there is nothing you can say that will scare me away, or appall me, or make me yell back at you. 

--and that was because I was feeling totally confident in God's presence and guidance in that moment of stress, and was truly unable to be harmed--so I wasn't avoiding the hurt, or pretending the words didn't hurt, but was not being hurt by them.

--feeling truly myself throughout the engagement--not giving in to the urge to dissemble, not faking anything to try to get the conflict smoothed over as quickly as possible, not saying what I thought MIL wanted to hear (things which I have always done in the past, and which I think have not helped MIL trust in my character).  This is me, and my committment to this family and to you isn't wavering. I ain't goin' nowhere, so we've got a lifetime to work this through.

I don't think I can convey what a big blessed deal these things are.  From the beginnings of my marriage, I have tried to avoid conflict whenever possible, and finally learned after YEARS of struggle that in our efforts to be peaceful and loving, DH and I were just enabling sin.  So, it has been a long and painful journey for everyone involved, and even as I have grown and learned, it has been really hard to break out of negative patterns of relating.  I am at heart a people pleaser (oh, the irony!) and so have continually chosen to try to please and placate my MIL in the short-term at the expense of long-term healing.  This is possibly the first time I felt like I did not do any of those previous coping mechanisms in a "fight," where I was steady and bold in engagement, like God calls His believers to be.

So, kinda exciting!  And, now that I think about it, that's not such a bad way to start off the New Year.

I might write about this more, but that's it for now.  (And I think we need more "Love Looks Like" and photos to balance out the whole interpersonal saga, so you can look forward to those!)