how the weekend went

Thank you for the kind, encouraging, and helpful words you left me on my last post, and I'm sorry I have not have a chance to respond.  But I appreciate them immensely! So the weekend--the overnight, really--was okay.  Some negative things were said, but actually MIL showed remarkable restraint, which I appreciated, esp. since the last email made me expect the opposite.  In fact, I had figured MIL would bring up the email exchange at some point and want to continue it verbally, and was ready with what I thought would be an honest but disarming response:  to gently explain, with a smile, that we were just really tired and were asking her to be extra patient with us all that weekend.

Because that is the truth--as a family, it seems like we frustrate and bewilder and appall and embarass MIL a lot, so for her to override her normal instincts to point out all of our flaws in the hopes of correcting them surely takes an incredible amount of patience and self-control.  Sometimes we just make it too hard for her.  (We wear unusual swimsuits, and I give the kids whole milk, and we homeschool, and the kids and I all wear sunhats, and DH and I tell the kids being different from everybody else is good, and I am trying to reduce our consumption of plastic, and we are actually happy in our dinky dump of a house and don't feel like anyone has to spend every waking free moment working to improve it. . . etc.) But this weekend, despite the inital negative exchange, MIL did a great job overlooking our flaws, for which I am thankful.

Oh, and I am sure some of you wondered if I was the one who had opened the can of worms to begin with, with my mention of "hot topics" in the first email. I thought about the same thing before I wrote the email, but had such dread that I felt like I needed to do it anyway.  Also, it is pretty silly at this point to pretend that our past interactions have been all sunshine and rainbows--better to be gently honest with one another.  In fact, all the pretending and overlooking we did in the past in the name of peace/respect for elders was really just enabling, and a few years back God showed me that our overly passive role in the continual interpersonal struggle was also sin.  It was not loving or honoring anyone. Finally, years ago, when things did eventually reach a breaking point, I decided to be much more honest and clear in my interactions with my in-laws, and THAT was the point at which our relationship finally started to heal.  I won't try to explain it all here, but trust me that I have learned that while holding one's tongue is a holy art, sometimes speaking truth in love to MIL is respectful, is honoring.  It is like extending a hand of sisterhood, that assumes she and I can speak with openness and vulnerability, that suggests we are both mature enough and strong enough in our relationship to handle it. 

Nobody ever broached the topic of the email this weekend, so that was fine--never had to go there.  And like I said, MIL was overlooking a lot of our usual homelife things that were probably at the very least annoying or even have been easily infuriating--I'll consider that a success.  But it still was not a comfortable weekend.  I mentioned in my last post that my friend Alberta gave me some good advice--I'm not doing her beautiful explanation justice, but it was basically if things start to get too negative, to turn a sincere, warm, grace-filled smile to MIL, instead of responding wtih words, which would help diffuse the tension but not contribute to the continuing verbal downslide.  While this does happen sometimes naturally, when God is really there with me, filling me with peace, I have never tried to make that a positive strategy. I tried to put this idea into practice, but I am afraid I never could get more than a pleasant expression going--it was hard enough to get my face to look that much relaxed, since my natural reflex when confronted with hostility is less "grace-filled smile" and more "deer in the headlights."  I was fretting a little bit about that while getting ready for bed Sat. night--feeling like I had failed my goal of loving on MIL, since I started out the afternoon genuinely warm and friendly and engaging but by the end of the night had retreated into politeness.  (It just wears me down when every. little. thing. I say is instantly met with disagreement or criticism--how can you keep on initiating a good interpersonal exchange when everything you say is responded to with negativism?  After a little while it seems more loving, more peace-making, to just shut up and politely nod.)  But then it was like a little voice whispered in my head that maybe that was what love was going to look like that night--that my politeness had been good enough.

I hope that was the Holy Spirit and not my own defeated spirit talking.  Still not sure. 

But anyway, it was not a bad weekend, but it was not a good one either.  I do feel badly about that--maybe I did set up the visit to be tense.  And I also completely failed in surrendering to the Spirit--I was too focused all weekend on just acting naturally/positively and what to say or not say, which means I was focused on me and MIL and not on God.  I.e. focused on the problem and not the solution.  And then I also acted too much this past weekend out of fear--such as being aware of using my children as a kind of living shield, keeping them around whenever I was with MIL in case their presence could thwart negative words.  Was that fear or wisdom?  Not sure.  Same with that initial email I sent--was it written out of fear or discernment?  Still not sure.  The fact that I can't tell if I was being controlled by fear or not bothers me--or maybe I am bothered because it was fear.  Either way, I am trusting God will eventually give me some further insight on this.

So, enough already with the analysis.  Sadly, the visit was too short for MIL and I to get comfortable with one another and do each other any good.  Gladly, the visit was too short for any little annoyances to flare up into a blow. 

There is more I want to say, so I might try to write about this again later.  (Yesterday I just did not have a chance--we officially started up our homeschooling again, and the kids are struggling to readjust to the expectations of daily work, another thing I might have to write about later.)  But I want to leave you all with my sincere appreciation for caring, for reading, for commenting, for praying.  xo