the one in which i wallow BIG TIME

CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED.


Well, you see, the defeated spirit I was feeling after this weekend has only grown this week--at the moment I am downright depressed.

Bascially, I think it stems from a few things:

a) the expected feelings of let-down after such an amazing month of family (and spousal) fun--you know, the post-vacation blues

b) my feelings of discouragement with myself and our relationship with DH's parents after the weekend (and the fact that I am feeling like we are back to pretending with them that everything is hunkey-dorey when it is so much healthier and more freeing to just admit we all got issues and move forward)

c) a very looooooooooooooooooooooong week of uber-firm parenting/teaching in which I feel like every. single. good. thing. my children did this week (accomplishing school work, getting back into their routines, completing a chore, etc.) happened solely by the force of my will. They have fought the return to regular house rules and fought doing their school and fought the natural consequences when they don't choose wisely. In setting this week up as the start of school again, and the return to normal home life, I have had to be vigilant every moment of the day to keep them on track and help them stay aware of their choices, not getting my housework done because I have to be available for them every moment to help guide them into the right choices, not getting to see any friends because the girls have not earned playdates, not even getting my usual down-time because of trying as much as I can to help them accomplish their school goals for the day. . . .

d) Did I mention not having any girlfriend time? I am very lonely this week, so discouraged in the whole homeschool thing, knowing I am doing the right, necessary thing but feeling like I am all alone without support. . . . My girlfriends either don't homeschool, or don't know what kind of a week we are having, or have different homeschool styles so that they probably wouldn't understand why I think I need to be cracking down like this to get us all back on track. (I just know it is right and necessary, and that's all I can explain.)

e) DH and I also have different approaches to homeschooling, which is a bummer when I am working so hard this week, expending so much energy and time and self into the kids and what they need and then feeling criticized and not supported when my husband comes home. He has been very nice in his criticism and I know does not mean to wound me, and I have not told him how I am struggling this week but that's because I don't think he would understand even if I did--this is just one of those times where spouses sometimes don't "get" one another easily, and don't know how to give the other what he/she needs. I know my husband loves me and wants me to be happy, so I'm not upset at DH or my marriage about this, but it is leaving me just a little more lonely and blue this week.

f) even parenting Smiley has been harder this week, since we started swimming lessons for these last two weeks of summer and of course they are right in the middle of naptime. . . and with his sisters spending all morning on schoolwork, he is bored and demanding attention from me and acting out to get attention from us all. . . . and today in particular he is melting down over the least little things, and at this moment exactly is having a raging temper tantrum because it was time to use the potty. . . .

g) even my blogs are letting me down. Seems like everybody is busy with life, and so not very many updates this week, so one of my few daily pleasures is gone. But even then, when I read the few blogs that have been updated they just make me feel all the more lonely and disconnected.

(yeah, I warned you--wallowing in it BIG TIME ; )

So, that's it. I think I reached the pinnacle of self-pity last night when at dinnertime I had one child on the potty, two children at the table, one child trying to finish her schoolwork, and I burned the last of the fresh green beans (which I LOVE) because of trying to run around helping everyone at once. And then a few minutes later while trying to mix dinner and schoolbooks I accidentally knocked a plate off the table and broke it--one of my favorite plates.

Waaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!

[Have any of you seen the Veggie Tales cartoon called "The Toy That Saved Christmas"? One of their best. But at the beginning of the video, there is a moment when the little veggie children in the village are running around the town square crying and whining because they want a Buzz-saw Louie for Christmas. Whenever someone is fussing around here, that's where my mind goes, and I do my best whiny baby pea impersonation, "Waaaaaaah, Buzz-saw Louieeeeeeee!" Ironically, Smiley just yesterday started doing that on his own, and now when he does not get what he wants, he says, "Waaaaaaaah." Kinda cute.]

So, this morning I am tired and cranky and discouraged and negative.

I know this is not good. But I am going to allow myself to be in this place for a little bit today. I am not taking it out on the kids, I am not neglecting my husband. It almost feels like this pity-party is a self-defense mechanism--that at least somebody cares about me, and the way I am feeling, even if it is just me, you know? But I also am completely logical in my depression--always have been, which is a huge blessing--and so know wallowing in self-pity will not actually help me feel any better about anything, and will not get me back on the course to right thinking. So, I promise that this is the only depressed post I will write--that after this I will focus on writing about the good and positive things, not just for you, but for me. : )

Even in my extremely blue state I can look around and be proud of my girls and what they have accomplished this week, have pity for my little boy who is unexpectedly fragile today (like his mother), have patience for my young ones learning hard life lessons, enjoy my children for their unique selves, be aware of how minute my complaints are compared to so many other families this week, be thankful for all the blessings at the root of my complaints--that I have four healthy kids, that I am being allowed to homeschool, that my kids are neuro-typical and should be able to actually learn these hard lessons--and know that while I may be feeling lonely I am by no means alone. I have been so blessed with so many positive, supporting relationships, and when none of those can help me--like at this moment--I am still held firmly in the hand of my loving Lord God.

So, tomorrow, back to positive blogging.

Today, it is okay to be blue.



P.S. If there was ever a post begging for comments it is this one. ; ) No, actually, I am not asking for loving words (I am fine, really) or advice on parenting or homeschooling (please, not)--but if anyone just wants to say "hi" I would love it! : )