struggling to keep my spiritual chin up (UPDATE)

I couldn't decide what to name this post, the first title that came to mind being "Crappity crap CRAP."  'Cause that's what I have been saying in my head since Thursday night at 10 p.m. when my in-laws called to say they wanted to come this weekend. 

crap.

My parents left Thursday morning.  I was babysitting all Friday afternoon.  Not much time to wash all the laundry, including the bedding from the in-laws' motorhome and get it cleaned and ready for them.  (My dad did a great job tidying up when they left--it looks great, but I need to vacuum and wipe things down and remake the beds so it is completely ready for them tonight)  And do all the cleaning here in the house that I have been letting slip while my parents were here, because a) who wants to be cleaning when you have company in the house, and b) my parents are so gracious that I knew they were not thinking bad things about me for not keeping up the housework perfectly.  But now it's all coming back to bite me in the butt. 

sigh.

Normally DH's folks would be arriving early this morning, but they emailed yesterday to say they will be arriving in the afternoon, and leaving Sunday afternoon--a short trip.  They are doing it because FIL had driven our Subaru up to his place to work on it, and now they want to return it to us, all working as it should.   a) SO thoughtful of FIL to use his amazing auto-mechanic skills on our car, which I guess had really needed it; b) SO thoughtful of them to want to bring it back down here so we can be using it (it's the gas-efficient car DH normally drives to work).

And yet, what a burden on them. Which MIL is sure to let us know about this weekend.

sigh.

See, this is the thing with DH's parents--they go incredibly out of their way to do loving things, to buy stuff, using their time and skills and money to support us in the ways they think we need to be supported.  This is, in its core, such a beautiful thing.

And it should be awesome all around--them using their gifts to love their son and his wife and their grandkids, us being the grateful recipients.  But the fact it, this is a fallen world, and sadly our relationship has traditionally been a reflection of that.   So all of that generous giving is not done freely--it feels like there is always guilt and condemnation attached.  We almost never ask them to do these things for us--they see a need, and they insist upon meeting the need.  That is truly rare, and amazing. But then the good of the deed is too often skewed, slightly, by negative words, and judgements, and ends up not feeling like the blessing it is meant to be.  And then we don't respond with the fullness of love and gratefulness that we should, which just continues the fallen cycle.
 
sigh.

Recently things have been really good with them--in fact, probably the longest "good" period we have ever had.  But when we last saw them, the weekend we drove up to drop off the kids for their week of VBS, MIL and I had a strange and disturbing altercation--something completely out of the blue, which hearkened back to the earlier days when we really struggled with one another interpersonally.  Unfortunately, it happened right before we parted, and so I don't think MIL and I had found complete resolution before it was time for DH and I to leave.  So Thursday night, when they called and said they wanted to come, I got this terrible feeling of dread.  We have had such a fun month of family and "vacations" of all sorts, but we have not been just our own family unit for a long time, and all the disruption of normality is finally taking its toll on us, esp. the kids, who are struggling with being their best selves this week (they even acted out in front of my parents this past week, which says something).  

So yesterday, I sent what I thought was a really friendly email talking about some of the things we had going on this weekend, and ideas for what we could all do together, but made sure to suggest some healthy boundaries that I think my family needs:

. . . So basically, unless you have a specific project in mind, we were thinking of making this a family fun weekend, : )



Whatever we decide to do, I do want to give you fair warning that we are all a little tired from our long adventuresome month, and so I think on this end we need to keep things lighthearted and positive. So we'll be avoiding all hot button topics of conversation this weekend--we just don't have it in us. ; )

Unfortunately, MIL's response was not good:

[first wrote about how exhausted they are from all their duties up there, and how hard they have been working]. . . Have no idea what you mean by "Hot Topics".  (The insinuations in that paragraph are rather offensive.)

sigh.

So I tried to give a positive, perfectly clear response:

Hot topics--you know, those topics that seem to naturally come up when we are together here in Santa Cruz but yet can easily turn negative if we are not careful.  I was not intending to insinuate anything; I was coming right out and requesting that we not talk about anything that sometimes ends up negative.  Esp. since we are all exhausted (for different reasons) and speaking for myself, I am finding today that I am depending upon good humor and God's grace. : )  We have been so blessed in our interactions with family this past month, and are looking forward to a good time with you this weekend.


Didn't work.  Next email:

We find even the topic of your sentence offensive 



crap.


This might just be a terrible weekend. 

BUT the good news is that I think God has a plan, and if I am listening for Him, and trying to hear him, and then trying to put into practice what He shows me, then this might turn out to be a great weekend after all. 

Only God knows.

He showed me back at the in-law's home that I think my MIL was hurt that I did not want to go to Kohls with her to pick out new dress pants for DH.  At the time it seemed like it was just was not the right time do be doing it--but afterwards, as I tried to process why things got strained between us, I wondered if MIL had been wanting girlfriend time, and felt like I had rejected her.  Oh, too bad--I am all for girlfriend time!  So, hopefully, this weekend we will be able to get past whatever new blockage we have between us, and move forward.

My sisters and sister-friends, would you be praying with me that God has His way with us this weekend?



UPDATE:

Late afternoon, they are still not here.  I have a feeling they are stuck in hot highway traffic. : ( 

So had a moment to sit down with this piece and a snack, and went back and reworded some things, so that hopefully it is clear that I am thankful for my in-laws and their amazing desire to help us, and also that whatever MIL and I have going on is really something we both need to be growing in.  She and I are going to be in relationship for a long time, Lord willing, and He has definitely brought us together for His good purposes--which includes this weekend! ; )

The first awesome thing God did today:  in the shower, He reminded me of how MIL really is exhausted, what with working full time (and a lot of overtime) and going to CO to help care for baby Sweetness twice now, and taking care of her elderly mother (including spending many nights at her mother's house every week) and taking care of a big house and garden. . . . She needs love and encouragement from me. 

And here is the second awesome thing God did today:  I stopped by at my friend Alberta's house to take Sunny for a birthday sleepover, and while she and I chatted for a few minutes I shared my struggle today, and she gave me the most awesome advice.  I don't think I can say it as well as she did, so I won't try to explain--but it ended with me saying that I feel like God has got my heart in the right place, and she said to let that heart shine out. 

Oh, yeah.  And now I can't wait to see my MIL and see if I can't share some of the blessings I feel with her.