“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."
~CS Lewis, The Four Loves
Just came across this on another blog, and immediately felt as if I had been slapped. Which makes me think there is something here, some truth that God wanted me to consider.
Is this a clue to why I struggle with being a mommy and wife the way I think I should? I have long recognized I need to live, and esp. to love much more fully. I have too much of a continual urge to not engage fully. . . some of which manifests itself in what I have written about here as my daily desires for psychological escape. Is my disengagement a form of self-protection? If so, why?
I have been feeling God nudging me for a long time. It has taken years to move from being continually spiritually downtrodden (stemming from painful emotional event about 4 years ago) to this point of feeling ready for whatever adventure God has in store for me, for my family. In fact, I have had lots of posts floating around in my head, which describe some of the things God has been showing me, things I have been reading, fascinating ideas that, now that I think about it, are all about getting past hovering on the shore with the occassional toe in the water, but about getting ready to jump in.
On The Road - Oh My!
2 months ago
I love that excerpt! It's just so true.
ReplyDeleteHow exciting. It sounds like God is working on something wonderful inside of you. I can't wait to hear more about it.
It's a great quote...and very true. I've always found it hard to give up everything to love. I always want to hold back a little piece...just in case...but in case of what I have idea. Loving fully is opening yourself up to pain but it has the potential to be wonderful. Loving easily, but not too easily... Definitely an excerpt that would nudge your heart.
ReplyDeleteVery moving, and very true. It takes a strong person to love the way we are supposed to, and to jump when called. However, when you are feeling hard on yourself keep in mind that we are not perfect, nor does God expect us to be perfect. I believe it's more important to learn from our mistakes and to be aware of improvements. After all, life is a journey not a destination.
ReplyDeleteI also do not believe it is a failing to sometimes need a break. In fact, I believe we do our children harm if we let them think that Mommy is superwoman who can do everything at all times. I think that it's important for children, especially girls, to know that Mommy is human too, and that they don't have to measure themselves to a superwoman.
Rebecca, you are sweet to want to defend me--but I know what I am talking about in this case. There is definitely not a problem with me feeling either false guilt or not giving myself a break! I would say just the opposite, that I have been hard of heart in some ways (not caring enough) and working too hard to make those mommy breaks the way of life!
ReplyDeleteI am writing all this in vulnerability, trusting that you all who read these entries will believe that I love my children and try to be a good mommy to them, and that my family situation is not at all terrible! It is just not what God has planned for me, if you can trust me on that--he is calling me to open my heart more fully, to engage more fully, to love more fully. . . and much more selflessly.
I'll let you all know when I get clear direction on what this is supposed to look like!