adding to my taking away

This post is way overdue, for those of you interested in/participating in Lent this year.  Because remember on my last post how I said I was giving up those two things (sweets and grain-based carbs), but would gladly add more to the list if I felt the prompting of the Holy Spirit?

Well, the very next morning, I read something my blog-friend Jessica wrote, and the H.S. didn't nudge, so much as smack me upside the head.  Jessica wrote that she was giving up sweets too--and giving up yelling at her kids.  Oooooooohhhhhh.  Yes, that is the perfect thing to give over to God, and something I have been doing all too much recently (for about a week and a half).  Well, I've been doing a little yelling--but plenty more growling and scolding and fuming and lecturing and generally being a mother who is more than likely inadvertently propagating the whole negative home environment that she is upset with her kids for (supposedly) creating.

My wonderful kids, who have been so amazing in attitude since the New Year, have now for some reason fallen back into some of the negative patterns of last Fall (ugh) and one daughter in particular is all of a sudden being so rude and disrespectful, with her mouth especially, and so self-focused that she does not seem to see how she is treating me and others in our family.  And I have been reacting instead of responding, and it is just not pretty.  Basically it's like I have been on one big pity-party, because how can my darling children treat me like this, after all I do for them, wah wah wah.  I can get over the self-righteous pity part fairly easily--but seem to struggle with what to do instead.  It's like I am having a hard time knowing what a just yet loving, grace-filled yet firm response even looks like sometimes.

Here is a prime example, of a kind of situation that happens sometimes multiple times a day with that one child:
--we need to go somewhere.
--I give the certain child a friendly heads up a few minutes in advance, since she is happily engaged in some activity.
--I usually even give her a minute or two more than I said I would.
--I tell her nicely, "Ok, it's time to stop."
--child immediately starts whining and grumbling about having to stop, and complains I am making her stop at the absolute worst place (in the book, the game, etc.).
--I cheerfully remind her she knew she had to stop in a few minutes, so she could have chosen a better place to stop.
--she continues to fuss
--I firmly but still gently remind her of our family values in how children talk to parents.
--she interrupts me to argue back that she is not doing anything disrespectful, while the whole time her facial expression, body language, and tone of voice are distinctly telling me what she really thinks of me and what I can do with my family values.
--I gently remind her of whatever Biblical principles we are working on living out this week (from verses which I have carefully selected to fit the heart issues we all seem to need to work on), such as letting our gentleness be evident to all, speaking truth, honoring parents, being wise women/girls who build up their homes. 
--she interrupts me to continue arguing and fussing.
--I get firm and say, well, it does not matter if you feel like obeying, we have to be somewhere and if you do not get going you will end up with _______ negative consequence (natural consequences, such as missing breakfast, not having work done, etc), so time to hear me and obey even if you don't feel like it.
--she argues and fusses and insinuates that I am the one causing the problem, because after all she was perfectly happy doing her activity until I came along and spoiled everything.
--now she has pushed one of my buttons--I HATE being held responsible for something that was not my choice or that I had no power over.  Seriously--makes me all wild inside.  So I snap, and start the lecture about how disrespectful she is being, how she needs to take responsibility for her own choices and choose well, how it is NOT ok for her to treat her mother like this, how she is creating a negative environment for everyone and setting a terrible example for her younger siblings. . . you get the idea. 
--at this point typically she either starts pouting or flailing around in a fit of self-centered frustration and even yelling back at me how I don't understand. . .
--at which point I am likely to yell and give her a consequence, like a time out until she can change her bad attitude and turn things around.

Yes, I know: Teenagehood, here we come.

And yes, I am sure this kind of conversation (or breakdown of one) is very common in homes of pre-adolescent girls.  But it is quickly becoming a negative pattern that is played out over and over, just with different things setting off the problem, but always the same dynamics escalating it.  I want to get a grip on it now, so we have a better way of working through these conflicts before the adolescent hormones REALLY kick in.  I know parents have all kinds of different approaches to parenting teens, but one thing I have come to believe (and other parents of teens have confirmed): the whole rebellious teen thing is real, and is likely going to be a struggle, BUT all teens don't have to talk back, be disrespectful to their parents, etc.  Parents have a lot of choice about how they deal with such issues and what expectations they set, and how they walk along with their teens through their growing and learning without letting the teens fall into poor behaviours as a way of life.

From my perspective, as the parent I need to:
--hold her accountable to the truth of her actions/choices (such as not letting her speak lies)
--help her see the likely outcomes of both the wise and the foolish choices
--remind her of our family rules and expect her to follow them
--allow her to experience the negative consequences (both natural and logical) of bad choices
--model grace even under fire
--model self-control (and how to keep control when you are getting mad)
--model forgiveness, and how to seek restoration of right relationship, even if you don't quite feel like it

(And other things I am sure I will think of later that I will wish I had written)

But the ways I have been trying to do these things just don't seem to be working--or maybe it's just that I let them all fly out the window as soon as she pushes my button.  It is just hard for me in this particular kind of conflict respond with wisdom and grace all the way--because even when I start out all patient and firm and loving and just, she just argues and fusses and will. not. stop. until I start "making her" stop by fussing and arguing louder and stronger than she is!  I need to learn a better way of handling it, so that I am truly part of the solution and not part of the problem.

So, anyone who feels like they can offer advice, please feel free!  Um, please model gentle correction, though, ok? 

ANYWAY, I did not sit down to write that whole thing, because actually the girl in question was much better yesterday, still sassing with her body language and attitude at times, still not obeying well, but overall being a pretty nice kid to be around.  So this is really not a rant, but just a spelling out of something specific I am needing to work on--and can really, happily give over to God for Lent.  Even if I still struggle, I can do my best not to lecture or scold or yell.  I want to "Let my gentleness be evident to all [for] the Lord is near" (Phillipians 4:5)  And I want to be "The wise woman [who] builds up her house" and not the foolish woman who "with her own hands tears hers down" (Proverbs 14:1).  And I want  live out "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" (Proverbs 15:1).   All the verses the girls and I are trying to live out these past two weeks--but I can't expect them to, if I don't!

Lord, take this offering of my own self-focused negative words and teach me as You see fit this Lenten season!

That's it for now.  I'll let you know how it goes. ; ) 

And now I feel compelled to wrap this up with how much I love my kids and am so blessed by them:  the other night we went to a church event with a lot of families we did not know.  It was actually one of the most fun events I have been to in a long time, and it was at this HUGE house, and DH and I pretty much let our kids have the run  of it, and they played nicely with other kids, and were overall respectful of the home and safety and the toys and things there), and they spoke nicely with the adults and they ate the food that was before them, and they smiled and didn't make messes and didn't fuss, and overall made me SO HAPPY.  Not that my happiness depends upon my kids' behavior (ok, that's another concept I'm still working on), but when you have a "large" family and homeschool, people are always looking at what your kids do and judging you.  (Ok, at least I am sensitive to this.)  And that night, our kids made us look GOOD.  ; )

Hope you are all having a good start to your week!