Ist day of Lent (a day late)

I love Lent.  I have actually been anticipating Lent this year, knowing I sure needed a really Good reason to shake some bad habits that have been creeping upon me this past year, but not quite able to make myself start sooner.  In fact, I was not even able to make myself start on time.  Yesterday, Ash Wednesday, was actually the first day of Lent, but I used it to pray about what I was really supposed to be giving up ('cause as a Christian, if Lent is not about renewing the dialogue of faith between me and God, then something is wrong). . . and to gorge on chocolate, you know, in preparation for giving it up for the next 40 days.  Eh, my imperfections and His grace are what this is all about, so it's ok.  ; ) 

No, really, Lent is a human tradition, not some holy sacrament, and I actually enjoyed starting the official first day indulging in something I was "supposed" to be abstaining from as a way of reminding myself that giving these things up are my choice and the more I enjoy them, the more of a gift they are when I give them over to God.  And I liked starting out "fallen," so there was no urge for self-righteousness, or the legalistic (and self-elevating) pride in deed that would make Lent about me and not about God.  I mean, it is about me, and what God wants to do in me, and me stripping down and saying, "Take whatever pleases you, Lord, and just fill me with You."  But the reason for the giving, the beauty in it, the trust and love and freedom through it--those are all from God, and will ultimately have nothing to do with what I do or do not do for the next 40 days. 

Some of you have been reading my blog for a while, and might remember my Lenten journey of the past few years.  You might then be wondering why I am blogging, since that has been one of the things I have been needing to give up the past 2 years.  Turns out, this year I don't sense that blogging is in any way a heart issue for me--in fact, I have been terrible about blogging since the end of last year, and would really like to get back into it!  So, blogging does not have a hold on me at the moment, nor does blog reading (which is good, since God keeps showing me things through the blogs I am reading, and encouraging me through them, even with what I read today!) so I am not giving those up.  (Yay!)

What am I giving up?  (I.e. what do I think has a negative hold on me--on my spirit, my psyche, my time use?):

--Computer use does not feel like a problem, but sitting down does.  (So hard to retrain the body after months of sickness/inertia). So I am going to limit my time sitting down, and even try to add purposeful aerobic movement into my days.

--Tea is not a problem for me this year, and in fact has not been tasting as good for a couple of months. Hmmmm. So I might choose to abstain just to refresh my taste buds, but it won't be technically given up.  But I am still going to give up my sweets, yes, even my chocolate.  I am finding myself using desserts in place of actual food (which I hope to write more about later), and am definitely turning to chocolate to make me feel good. 

--And actually, I am going to try to eliminate not only sugars (other than fruits) from my daily eating, but also most carbohydrates.  I have not written about this yet (so look for that post for all the whys and details, if you are interested), but about a month ago I decided to try going gluten free in my diet.  That started out pretty well, and I felt like my blood sugar was stabilizing a little better, but after listening to my body and nudges of my brain, I am going a step further and go for a time with as few carbs as possible (without going crazy).  Since I am not excited about this, Lent is the perfect time to make the experiment--I'll have more reason to stick with the experiment, and a definite ending point, when I can evaluate any benefits. 

--Ok, confession time.  I bite my fingernails.  I have since I was a girl.  It's some kind of self-soothing thing, and I tend to do it most when I am reading or watching movies, my two favorite escapes.  Since college I have been able to go for long periods of time with neat, unbitten nails, when I had reason--I had nice nails when I got married, and when I started teaching college courses, and when my first baby was born.  But I also noticed that I would start to bite them at times of stress, and when I was in grad school I bit them off again every semester during finals.  But at least I grew them out again afterwards. 

The same thing has happened time and time again since being a mom out here in CA--only I notice I bite them more when DH and I are having marital stress, or when we have been around his parents.  ; ) I kept things at least sensible for years and years, but over the past year (maybe only 6 months) I have noticed that I am biting them more and more.  To the point of pain.  To the point of having fingers sore for days afterwards that affect my housework, everything.  They are now as short as they were in high school, which says a lot.  I don't bite them to hurt myself, so in that sense I disagree that nail-biting should fall into the same category of self-mutilation as "cutting"--in fact, it rarely hurts while I am biting them, and only later (like when I plunge my hands into the hot dishwater) do I feel the literal sting of remorse.  And if I do feel a sting while I am biting, I immediately stop--pain is not soothing to me!  But a few minutes later I'll find myself doing it again, on a different finger.  Most of the time I start nibbling without even being aware of what I am doing.   I have recognized for at least several months that I need to get this bad habit under control, but have not seemed to be able to stop.

So, no surprises that this seems like an excellent habit to give over to the One who is stronger than me!  This time it is going to be hard to stop, since it has become so ingrained.  I've already caught myself doing it several times today.  But I know this will be a Good thing, and trust completely that God will help me do it.  Looking forward to that!

If you know me In Real Life, please don't ask me how breaking the habit is going.  It is too embarassing.  Just pretend you never read this.  But when Lent is over, I hope I can post a pic of my hands for you all! ; )

--Lastly, not not leastly, oh no--I am going to make myself get out of bed at 7:00 each morning so I have time with God before the kids wake up around 7:30.  (If that seems like sleeping in to you, well, don't leave unkind comments about it--DH and I have not been going to bed at a decent hour for what feels like years, so this is a big deal for me, ok?) It was soooooooo painful this morning, as I inexpliably only got about 5 hours of broken sleep last night.  But, as I said before, that's what makes it a gift to God--that there is some sacrifice involved.  I had to start the day fully confessing to Him that I did not want to do it, but that I love Him more than I love sleep, and I completely trust that He will provide me with all the strength and patience and whatever other good stuff I need to make it through this day with grace.   I mean, I probably need to do this every day, since my failings as a mommy mostly come from trying to do it all on my own power, and with my own agenda in mind--so starting out Lent (one day late) like this was probably a really good thing. 

Anyone who wants to know more about why I do Lent, I added a category for it in the "Labels" section on the sidebar.   And anyone who wants to join me in this 40 day adventure, welcome!  It is seriously one of my favorite times of the year--nothing but positive.  I would love to hear your Lenten stories too!