Update on Things with MIL, Pt. 5

I sincerely hope you are pacing yourself reading these.  I have never written this much in one 24 hour period before, but I have really been putting it off and yet wanting to do it, and so I am jumping on the opportunities I suddenly have and making myself do it and get it done. But you are under no such obligation!  So if you want to read all these, please spread them out and don't give yourself eye strain.  

(Also, I know some of you get what I write delivered to your inbox--does it also email you if I make updates?  Just so you know, I often go back and revise and clarify and proofread further after publishing (seeing it against the blog background sometimes helps me see it in new light. : ), so reading it on the blog and not in emails will also help you read anything I write with the most accuracy.  Just consider that an FYI. : )


OK, so now we are back to that fateful Monday morning.

After MIL and I had that brief clash, she and DH talked for a few more minutes, then DH went outside to talk to his dad, who was working on the truck, before he went to work.  I took a deep breath, and then went into the living room so MIL and I could just clear the air.  With a calm and casual manner, I said I wanted to clarify what I had been trying to say earlier, when I had started to interject in the conversation she was having with DH.  You see, she wants him to get things done around here, but is always telling him how he can't do the work, how he doesn't know how to do the work, how only FIL can do it, how he needs to figure out when FIL can come down and do the work for him.  So I was speaking very nicely, but was asking her to consider if she is aware of the messages she is sending DH and if they are really the messages she wants to be sending him.

MIL did not even let me finish.  She interrupted me and proceeded to go on and on and on and on and on (about 40 minutes) about all manner of things under the sun, all of them about me, most of them untrue, and all of them unkind or none of her business.  I tried to summarize here some of the things she said, just so you would see how random they were, and how purposefully over-the-top negative--but I tried to write and then had to delete it twice, because it just sounds like I am ragging on her like she was ragging on me.  It would just be slandering her to say specifics, because they are so not what nice Christian women say to anyone out loud.  So instead, I'll share the things I thought were relevant about the whole conversation:

--MIL was really in a tirade, but she was oddly impassionate.  I mean, we all understand when someone gets upset and says mean things on purpose to hurt someone, out of the fuel of their momentary anger.  But this was different--she was ranting and interrupting, but there was no yelling, no passion.  It was more of a loud discussion, but the things coming out were so pointed to slander and stab that the juxtaposition was bizarre.  This was a sign to me of some underlying weariness with it al, which could be good.

--Through all of this, I was calm and collected.  I did raise my voice at times to be heard, or to be emphatic, and there were times I sounded frustrated, but I never lost my cool or was disrespectful.  This is entirely because of God having prepared me.

--I didn't get insulted or upset.  Which, if you know me, is HUGE.  I seriously can't even remember most of the things she said about me, which is not normal.  (I tend to absorb harmful words and remember them later and dwell on them, which I am trying not to do now.)  So this is also the power of the Holy Spirit in that moment, that I didn't really absorb any of the malice, but was able to honestly just care about her and I working through it.  The goal was not proving her wrong, but reconciliation. Wow--just typing that gave me a shiver, because that is so clearly God and not me.

--I tried to help her let go of things that don't really matter, and asked her questions to try to get to the heart of the issues.  For example, when she complained that we never involve them in important decisions, like buying this house, I said You are absolutely right.  And we've talked about this before. You know why we didn't involve you in the decision.  She then interrupted to divert the conversation, but I brought her back to that important point: Because of how you get upset when we don't choose the way you would choose.  It is awkward to speak those painful truths aloud, but with all the untruth and unkindness flying about, it made it easier.  Throughout the whole conversation I kept trying to point to truth, trying to speak plainly about where we stand now, her and I in relationship.  Ok, so we choose differently than you would.  You have to let it go.  These are not the decisions you get to make.  These are our decisions. How do you and I move forward in relationship now, even if we disagree?

--But I am sure nothing that I said had any impact whatsoever. MIL was not in a place to hear anything logical or true, she just had all this stuff built up in her and wanted to get it out.  So while all the ugly was highly personal, it was also oddly impersonal--like it was not really about me, so much as about her own unhappiness.   She would make statements and accusations, I would ask her to defend them, or explain, or ask her where the middle ground was in that example, so she and I could come to some understanding, so this could all be helpful to our growth--but she would just jump to another topic and make different statements and accusations.  It was feint and dodge, feint and dodge, getting nowhere.

--The old hurts and harms went back all the way to before DH and I were married.  This was the most significant part of the whole event to me, because it showed just how long MIL has been collecting grievances.  : (  This is some serious spiritual bondage. 

--And the end result was that I was frustrated that we could not actually communicate at that moment, when there was clearly so much we needed to get out, work through, and resolve.   (I want to clarify that I did not raise any grievances against MIL--at no point did I bring up her flaws, or how she has hurt me, etc.  It was all listening to MIL and trying to speak honestly and point to truth--no defense of myself, no accusations in response, no rebuttals.  This was a time for her,  not for me.)

But finally, the kids woke up and came out, so MIL and I just mutually agreed there was really no way to end the discussion with resolution, and left it at that.  I made breakfast, we ate, FIL got the truck fixed and MIL rushed them away, to our mutual relief.

When the truck had gone, I was practically weak from the stress, but I was also strangely energized.  Because I realized God had finally answered my questions.  He was saying, This is what I care about.  Now is the time to confront. 

And the best part was that I was now completely free to do so!  Here I had been dreading the confrontation I knew would be coming, worrying how I would do it, not wanting to hurt feelings or stir up trouble.  But here MIL had just solved that dilemma by being the one to break the peace, so I did not have to.  And her openness made it not only acceptable, but necessary for me to speak with equal openness.  Amen! 

This being the children's first day back home after their long Christmas holiday, I had no intentions of doing school.  We were still on break, and it was perfect--they played, they read, and I pretty much sat at the computer all day writing MIL a letter. 


(More to come later!)

P.S. It is so awkward to write all this, and this is partly why I kept not writing it.  I don't want to sound like I am all proud of myself for handling this all so well--actually, I am AMAZED at how well God was able to use me, because I let him.  I am sure I'm not doing this perfectly, but it doesn't matter--I'm trying to listen and then obey.  And so that's why I am telling you all this--because this is a God story.  All of what happens with me & MIL is part of the God story, and I really want to share it with you.  So can you please not think it's about me and what a great DIL I am, or how I'm so much better than MIL or something.  She and I are really in the same boat, and are very similar in a lot of ways--and literally, there but for the Grace of God go I.  We both need to keep growing.  But I'm just thankful that God is helping me see how to grow, and is walking along side me so clearly at time like this.  I seriously feel like this is one of those times when it seemed like He spoke directly to my spirit.  It amazes me, and I feel so blessed.