Once again, I find I need to backtrack a little before I resume the story. Because I forgot to tell you one thing that is a really important part of the story.
Remember back in Dec, when MIL emailed about how we had ruined Christmas forever for her? Remember I said I was not really surprised? Well, I wasn't surprised for two reasons: first, because MIL has said this same thing to us several times before over the years, and the holidays are often a time that brings up those old hurts. But second, and most importantly, I had been feeling the nudging of the Holy Spirit for several months, telling me that I was getting too complacent again, too settled into "as peaceful as possible," too afraid of rocking the boat to be a positive influence in my relationship with MIL. And it's true. Things have been slowly but steadily going downhill in our relationship for about 6 months or so, and I know we have to turn it around. It's time to let the Holy Spirit shake us up a little, get us back to be intentional in our choices with one another and actively working towards righteousness living together.
Ever since we had a pivotal moment in our relationship (and in my own growth as a person) about 10 years ago, she and I go through phases of peace and clashing, based upon our temperments and how much we are choosing to let go or confront. The pivotal moment was a confrontation--the first time I ever attempted to stand up to my MIL, and while I did not succeed, it was really good and important because God spoke to me through it in huge ways. Since then the pattern has been:
--I confront her about something that needs to change (often in face to face conversation, but for really big things I write letters)
--We have a period of separation which we all pretend is because of busy schedules, etc. But the time of not seeing one another is really good, because we can be mad if we want, but then have time to cool down and seek God. We have time for ideas to simmer, and for us to realize our role and to then choose better for down the road. I'd say this separation time usually lasts 1-3 months.
--She does not acknowledge the confrontation, but when we do see each other again, there is always--always--some fruit. Whatever I had confronted her on will be improved, sometimes completely.
--We enjoy a period of peace and getting along. We are both working hard to please the other, and to do our parts to keep peace and grow our relationship.
(Sometimes it may not look to the outside world that this is happening, because it might still include lots of harsh words, etc. but I can see the things MIL is doing and not doing to purposefully choose to move forward in our relationship as a family, and that is worth celebrating.)
--Then after some time (sometimes less time, sometimes more--usually around 6 months to 1 year) we both start to slip into old ways of relating--those old familiar patterns that are so hard to unlearn. She might start to be a little less patient, might start letting the stinging tongue fly a little more, and in response I start to panic and freeze up inside, but outwardly smile and go along with things as best I can to avoid conflict. I start to try to be as good as I can be, to look ahead for potential potholes, to hide the parts of me and our lives that are the most unbearable or irritating for MIL. In other words, I fall under legalism and false living, and start catering to the sin. And it never helps.
--MIL starts to get worse and worse, and so time spent with them gets less and less pleasant, and DH and I keep enabling and enabling, because we are so trained to avoid conflict, until finally there is something that I have no choice but to speak out about--or until the Holy Spirit convicts and emboldens me.
--When so convicted, I can then summon up my courage, and confront her again. And then the cycle starts over.
I am not trying to make it sound like I am personally responsible for all the good and growth that has happened in our relationship. No, but it is very true that the times that I have confronted her have led to growth for both of us. I do not accept responsibility for that--that is only God's doing, so He gets any credit. I can only take credit for asking God to show me what's going on, having my eyes open to the pattern, and sometimes being brave (or obedient) enough to stop sinning for a while in the relationship--when I put it that way, it doesn't sound like much to be puffed up about, does it?
When I slip back into the easy thing of being a people pleaser, then it is too easy for MIL to slip back into being. . . whatever the issue is. Or maybe another way to look at it: when I am asking and trusting and depending upon the Holy Spirit to love through me, and insist that He be our standard of communication, it somehow helps MIL be free to do the same. It's like we are recalibrating together, based upon the Truest standard.
But when we help MIL fall back into harmful patterns of relating--not allow (passive), but help (active)--then we are sinning too.
OK, so a few months before Christmas, things were starting to hit the "old ways" part of the cycle, and I could feel the Holy Spirit nudging me. Whispering, hey, wake up. It's time.
Time to get uncomfortable. Time to grow some more.
Basically, I knew God would want me to confront MIL about something, and that it was going to be scary and painful but necessary and He was getting me ready. So when the old "Christmas ruined because of stuff" came up, I started asking God, "Is this it? Is this what I'm supposed to confront MIL about?" But I did not hear confirmation back in the affirmative. I still did not know. I prayed for those several weeks before Christmas, not knowing how the holidays together were going to go down, asking God to just make it very clear what to say, and when. Because while things were starting to get worse, it was slow and subtle--and I really did not want the one to rock the boat, to seem to start a conflict. How could I confront MIL about serious, sensitive issues between us when she was overall still being fairly nice? It would seem unjust, and even insensitive. I was dreading it, whatever it was.
Until God told me This. Now.
(to be continued!)
On The Road - Oh My!
2 months ago
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