Update on Things with MIL, Pt. 2

Continued from previous post. . .


See, way back at Thanksgiving we had made plans for the kids to stay at Oma and Opa's house for a week at Christmas.  (MIL had requested two weeks with the kids this past summer, instead of the traditional one week of VBS, but we had too much going on to do it then.)  But now here it was time to leave the kids for a week, and MIL was in pain.  I really did not want to leave them, but she insisted.  She would have been mad and hurt if we changed the plans, and I knew the kids would not really be hard to handle (they would just play and read all day, they can bathe themselves and the older ones can help the youngers, so in theory MIL could have taken perfectly good care of them while resting on the couch the whole week).  So, we went ahead and left them.  I don't see how we could have chosen differently, and yet I wish we could have, because I think it ended up being too hard on MIL.

So we had been up in Chico for about 3 days total for Christmas (we have learned that shorter is better) and then we left the kids about 10 days--until the first weekend of the new year.  That time without kids we spent doing so much of the bed planning and purchasing, etc. I detailed in the last post, and DH also did end of the year insurance stuff  and paperwork (and squeezing in eye appointments).  Oh, and we also had the septic emptied, which takes a whole day of back-breaking digging for DH to uncover and then re-cover the ancient thing.  So the time went quickly, and was for the most part a nice break, and a productive one.

I fear it was not a nice break for my MIL though.  I think the stress of taking care of so many people first over the Christmas part (her mother, all of us) and then the week after (even though our kids are really self-sufficient, and are of an age to be really helpful, MIL was likely doing more fancy cooking and trying to take them places and show them a good time then she should have been doing, and not letting them help her either) and the pain, combined with understandable post-holiday let-down was just too much for her.  They brought the kids down to us that first Sunday in January (we were supposed to meet them halfway, but had swapped cars with them so they could have our mini-van with the car seats, but then FIL's truck would not start, so they had to drive all the way down so FIL could replace a part, which he did Monday morning).  And as soon as MIL stepped out of the car she started verbally attacking me. And so of course immediately I was riled and in fight or flight mode.

See, as MIL informed me so clearly, I packed too much.  I packed WAY too much clothing, way more than anyone ever would ever need to pack.  I packed WAY TOO MUCH clothing for the children, WAY MORE than they needed, and it was such a pain to keep track of and pack and they never even wore it, MIL just kept washing the same outfits every night so they DIDN"T EVEN NEED ALL THE CLOTHES I had packed, which were WAY TOO MUCH. I should NEVER pack so much clothing.  She keeps telling me not to pack so much and telling me and I still ALWAYS pack TOO MUCH. 

For an almost 2 week visit, I had packed each child 4 outfits (top + pants + socks), plus one church outfit, 5 undies, and one pair of pajamas. This seems very reasonable to me--even on the conservative side.

Then before we left Chico I had washed the clothes, then folded and organized them on shelves in the guest room, one shelf to a child, so each child had a clearly designated space for clothing, and all the pieces of outfits together so there would be no fuss.  There was no need for any laundry to be done, if the kids wore each outfit twice, esp. considering they received some clothes from Oma for Christmas. So the woman with the hurt back would have no need to be doing laundry for my kids, and really would not even need to help the kids with their clothes at all.

Of course it seems like more when it is packed up, because each child also had a winter coat, a hoodie, a vest, and hat & gloves.  Necessary but bulky things.

But perhaps it seemed like TOO MUCH because of the additional clothes MIL went out and BOUGHT the kids that week, AND the clothes she gave them for Christmas, AND the clothes that her sister handed down to her, which she then decided to give Sunny and Merry.  Including THREE hoodies.  You realize how much space three extra adult hoodies take up in a bag?

And I am also guessing that it seemed like TOO MUCH because of all the laundry she did that she didn't have to do, and clearly should not have done, because of her back.  Also, I have a feeling it seemed like TOO MUCH because she packed up everything herself and did not ask for help, and was in pain the whole time, which would make anyone crabby.

In other words, the whole tirade I was greeted with was so unfair and illogical, and those happen to be hot buttons of mine--being blamed for things for which I am not responsible, and using against me things that it feels like everybody else in the world would agree are good and logical things.

So I just chose to greet them and the children quickly, and then carry things into the house and stay there until after the tirade, which MIL then turned on DH because of the size of the bags we had left at their house for the return packing, which were WAY TOO BIG and just all-around wrong and did I mention WAY TOO BIG.  I could hear it going on through the windows, but I was removed enough that I could take some deep breaths and pray to the Good Lord to help me stay calm and to show me how to love in this situation. 

And so I was able to be pretend all was well, and MIL must have gotten it out of her system (and perhaps even realized how she had been going on and was able to take a few deep breaths herself and choose better) because we had a nice evening overall.  There was one moment after the kids were in bed when the conversation of us four adults there in the living room suddenly turned sour, and got a little tense, but we were able to recover and end the night well.

But the next morning. . . .  Sigh. . . .


(I know, I'm making this all dramatic, but these really are the best breaking places in the story!  Part 3 to come hopefully by tomorrow--because this is all for a reason, something happening in my life right now that is best understood with all the background story.)