Letter to my MIL, at the start of the New Year

*Please read the previous post before you read this one, so you know my heart and mind in sharing this with you. 




Dear [Mother-In-Law],

The kids are playing happily outside—still very cold out, but the sun came out at least! ­­and so I have a little while to think and write.  Ever since some of the old gift­-giving sadness resurfaced before Christmas, I have been asking God to show me what He wants for you and me in our relationship together, as mother­-in-­law and daughter-­in-­law and as sisters in Christ.  The Holy Spirit has been telling me it is time for us to grow a little more, in our relationship and in our faith, and the discussion you and I had this morning confirmed it.

So, thank you for speaking so frankly this morning, because that allows me to be frank in return.  And thank you too because your words convicted me about the importance of us continuing to grow and mature in relationship—or we will end up back in the same dysfunctional mess we lived in for so long.   I don't think you really want to go back to that grim time, and yet the things you brought up this morning hearkened all the way back to grievances from when [my Dear Husband] and I first  married. That's 18 years of resentment and bitterness stored up, and it needs to come to light, so we can all experience freedom from it.  I understand that you are upset that we decide things without you and [Father-In-Law], that we do not ask you for advice or permission to do things, and we do not do things the way you would do them.  But honestly, it is time to let it go.  [MIL], you have to let all these things go, for they are clearly causing you to harbor ill will towards us in your heart and mind.   These things are burdening you with negativity, which then comes out of you to wound those around you, more than I think you realize.

[DH] and I have done no harm to you.  Let me repeat that: while you are often angry, hurt and frustrated with us, we have never, ever done anything purposefully to hurt you.  Still, when you have told us of your hurts, we have apologized. Not because we had sinned against you and had to make amends, but because we cared about your feelings and desired a restoration of right relationship.  So why have you not forgiven us?  Why do you hold on to these bad feelings and nurse them along, until they build up in you and you lash out?  Why do you treat us so meanly?  You call me names, you insult my husband and children, and you rant against things in my personal life that you have no business commenting on, let alone criticizing.  You would be ashamed if [favorite niece] or [other favorite niece] heard how you talk to me—but you do it anyway, to purposefully hurt me.

[MIL], is that really who you are?

[DH] and I have done our best to keep peace with you, even when you were not being peaceful.  We have held our tongues when you were using yours like a sword against us.  We have not dishonored you, even when you have done everything you could to tear us down.  We have been patient when you have treated us and our kids horribly.  I have even defended you to the children, and tried to downplay the cruelty of your words to them and us.  We have cared more for your feelings than our own.  We did this because we wanted to honor God.  But when we allow you to bully us and our children, it is not at all honoring to God.  It is enabling sin, and we absolutely cannot do it any more.  I mean not at all.

So, we have talked about this before, but I think it is time to remind us both of what is behaviour
becoming to women in life­long relationship, by marriage but most importantly in Christ:

­­--It is not OK to ever criticize the children.  Not to their faces, and not to us, their parents.  I can hear you arguing with this, saying that you have a right as their grandparents to speak into their lives, into our raising them.  Yes, and no.  Yes, God has given you and [FIL] certain privileges as their  grandparents, to be part of their growing up.  He has also given you responsibilities along with that, such as never, ever harming them, and setting an example for them as a mature follower of Christ.  When you show us through your words and actions that you are taking those responsibility seriously, to the greatest extent that you are able, then you will have earned the right to speak into their lives, and into our raising them.

­­--It is also not OK to ever criticize [DH] and I to our children behind our backs, which we know you have been doing for many years.  There is absolutely no way you can justify this behaviour—it is nothing but mean-­spirited battle tactics intended to undermine our God­-given parental authority, turn our children's favor against us, and weaken our family unit.  If this does not stop, we will not be able to leave the children alone with you, and might have to even keep them away from you. It is that serious.

­­--It is not OK to ever criticize [DH] to me.  He is my husband, we are bound by the Lord of All
Creation into one flesh, and my loyalty is to him.  To listen to you slander him is disloyal, and I will not be party to it again.

­­--It is not OK to ever criticize me to my face.  I used to not care about this, because God shielded my heart and gave me strength to bear it in love, and He promised in Scripture to be my Champion.  But He has shown me that allowing you to slander me is enabling you to sin, and that is sin in itself—me being a stumbling block.  So from now on, I will not allow you to rant against me, my parenting, my wisdom, my choices, anything at all about me. Not only are none of the cruel things you say about me true, but most of them are the complete opposite of the truth.  I will be glad to listen to you when you can speak truth in love.

What you say to [DH] about me is between you and him; but if it is mean­spirited it will likely make him think worse of you than me.

­­--It is not OK to demand that we do what you want us to do, or include you in our decisions, or even tell you anything you want to know.  Ever.  It is just not your business. Not one teeny, tiny bit.  There is a reason why God commanded adults to marry and leave their parents.  As [DH's] parent, you no longer have any hold over him, other than his own strong sense of filial duty, and even that you endanger whenever you belittle and cut him down.  Our marriage, our house, our projects, our parenting, our finances—none of these things are your business, and you have to let them go.  Until it is safe to talk about these things, I will choose not to talk about them with you.

Here too, what you say to [DH] about these things is between you and him.  Also, I will assume
anything he and [FIL] talk about, work on together, etc. is between them.  But between you and me,
we can't allow any of these topics of discussion to lead us to conflict, so for now I will choose not to discuss them at all.

­­--It is not OK to complain that we don't include you in our decisions, or ever tell you anything.  You reap what you sow.  If you want us to share our lives with you, then be a safe person to share with.

I am more than happy to share parts of our life with you, and have enjoyed doing so in the past—
but when you take what I have shared and twist it into something negative to hold against us, or you just plain old criticize it, then I will choose to withhold those parts of our lives from you.  How could I not?!  Esp. when it comes to the children—I will absolutely not tell you anything about their lives unless you stop criticizing them and the choices we make for them as their parents.

­­--Finally, it is not OK to hold us responsible for your feelings.  We are not the reason why you are hurt or angry or frustrated—you are.  Do you see the difference?  No one can make any of us feel a certain way—we choose to feel a certain way in response.  So we are not at all responsible for your feelings, and you may not give us a hard time for them.  You are upset because we hurt you? Then forgive us and choose to leave those hurt feelings at the foot of the Cross.  You are angry because we are doing something you don't like?  That anger is yours alone, and has nothing to do with us.  Work out your anger in whatever healthy way works for you, and choose to let it go.  Frustrated because we never seem to do what makes sense to you?  Tell it to Jesus, and choose to hand it over to Him.

But by all means, please pray for us.  Anytime you think we are in error, or are blind, please pray. God has given us one another in the body “to prepare God's people for works of service, so that the
body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.  Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into Him who is the Head, that is, Christ.  From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in  love, as each part does its work.” (Ephesians 4:12­16)  We need each other, [MIL], you and I.  It pleases God for us to be in relationship together, and whatever we do to love one another despite our human weaknesses is completely because of the power of His Holy Spirit and a testament to His glory.

I don't know why the discussion this morning returned to all those old grievances, but I am not sorry it did—anything that happens that we can learn from and use to grow in our walk with Jesus and healthier in relationship with one another is ultimately a good thing. I will assume you care about all these things as much as I, and will trust you to think and pray about them as God leads you.  You and I have both grown so, so, so much together over the years, and I have really enjoyed the past few years of relative peace and restored relationship.  This Christmas in particular I appreciated that you were able to set aside the things that were bothering you enough so that we could have a lovely time all together.  Thank you for that. 

I am sorry though that this holiday season may have been too stressful, compounded by illness, pain, and then having our children for the week.  I am praying you recover quickly and fully from all of the above!

I will also be praying for both our hearts, and that we would have ears to hear God, and the wisdom to listen.  I don't know when we will next be together, but will look forward to it, trusting that God's going to do His good work in us between now and then.  But until we are both at a better heart place, I am asking that you not come see us, unless you can abide by these healthier and more Scriptural and God-­honoring ways of relating to one another.

Lisa