After the letter

Wow, reading that again in preparation for posting it I was so aware of how bold and blunt I was when writing it.  That was a Confrontation with a capital C, and something I usually run from in terror.  I mentioned before I have written several letters over the years to my MIL whenever there was something Important I wanted her to hear, but in all of those letters I spent a lot of effort very carefully softening my words, trying to be as gentle and inoffensive (and pandering too--bleah) as possible.  This was not only to help her receive my words, but also to try not to hurt her feelings.  (And was also an example of what I meant earlier when I wrote that I have tended to try to serve as a buffer between MIL and the consequences of her actions--even if I was addressing something she had done that was harmful to our family, I was practically bending over backwards to make the truth not hurt.)  This letter was the very first time I have ever spoken to her with such frank wording, caring more about her understanding exactly what I mean than about her feelings in hearing it. 

Amazing what conviction, the power of the Holy spirit, a big jolt of adrenaline and a lot of tea and dark chocolate can do!

That Monday I spent all. day. writing that letter.  The kids were completely happy just being home and so played with new toys they had received at Christmas, and with old favorite toys they had been without for two weeks, read, etc.  So while I took frequent writing breaks to feed them and to help them through their re-entry back into normal home life (including plenty of tearful or angry meltdowns)--the letter writing started around 10 a.m., after cleaning up the kitchen after breakfast, and I think I finished it and emailed it at around 10 p.m.  And in between, I was a mess of nerves--I was being a great mommy, all patient and loving with the kids' needs, but so stressed I could not eat and ended up being totally nauseous all day, with a huge knot in the pit of my stomach.

And yet, the ideas just seemed to flow, and so even though I was totally stressed the whole time I wrote, just because I hate confrontation so much, it really seemed to be the Right Thing to be doing. I was completely confident that I was saying what I was supposed to be saying.  I also felt very strongly that I needed to write the letter that day, so that it would reach MIL while the discussion from that morning was still fresh in her mind. 

I also purposefully wrote and sent it without involving my Dear Husband.  I thought some of you would be wondering, and I want clarify that point, because I do believe that, for better or for worse, DH is the head of our home. We are partners in marriage and in all we do, but we have different roles to play and we have always been in agreement that his is the ultimate authority and responsibility in our home.  (To sum up our roles in perfectly fitting and terribly geeky sci-fi references, DH is the Commander and I'm Madame President* ; ).  But when it comes to my relationship with his mother, I learned years ago that I just have to make a boundary--and it is actually not my husband's business what I say to his mother in a private letter, and vice versa.  Now, I do share the things I write with him, but I do it after the fact--informing him what I have written, instead of feeling like I have to involve him in the writing, or like I have to ask his permission to write.  This has turned out to be such a wise decision, and one that has really worked to strengthen our marriage and not weaken it.  See, DH is such a good son that when I tried to share letters in progress with him early on, he would get all anxious about any whiff of confrontation and would try to convince me not to write it.  He was so trained not to rock the boat, and he was still very well entrenched in the elevation of peace, even if painful, over healthy living. (And remember, it's only in the past few year that I even have the barest understanding of what healthy living with MIL looks like!)  But then when DH tried to talk me out of writing certain things or using certain words, I would feel hurt--as if I was being censored, or like he was choosing her feelings over mine, or like my feelings were not important, etc.  So that's why I made that decision--one of the very few times in our marriage I have said, "this is the way it is going to be."  And while he did not like it (because he worried what my letters might bring in interpersonal backlash), he respected it, and that was a very good thing not only for the ensuing growth with MIL but also our relationship.

So Monday night, DH ended up working late, and I was just finishing the letter when he came home.  I did my final proofreading and praying, and then emailed it. Then when DH was winding down with his beer in hand, and we were lounging and talking on the "sofa," I told him about what had happened that morning before his parents left.  And about the letter I had written and sent in response.  Since I had just finished it, it was still really fresh in my mind, so I pretty much told him the whole thing. But I invited him to read it, and he said yes he thought he should.  But guess what?  He has never read it.  This I see as a very good thing.  It means he is completely comfortable with my relationship-building with his mother now, probably because he has seen some good fruit from it over the years.  Also, it means he trusts me: trusts my judgment that the letter was necessary, that I wrote it with the right tone and intentions, that I was telling him honestly what was in it.  He did not trust me early on in our marriage (mainly because he had no reason to trust me--he grew up not trusting), and so this response from my Dear Husband is one of the unexpected blessings that has already come from the letter writing--it strengthened our marital bond.  The rest of the blessings I expect to come from the letter are still in the future. . . .

I have not been doing a good job of responding to your comments to these posts, and not because I don't appreciate your comments--thank you!  I appreciate your care about all this, and your advice.  I have not responded to most of the comments because I know if I start answering comments, I'll end up doing that instead of finishing the story (I have a tendency to "blog" in comments sections!) and I wanted to get this all written before I run out of time and steam. But I do want to address some of the things you have said.  In particular, several of you (either in the comments, in emails or in person) have asked if I have heard a response from MIL, or if I expect one.  The answers are no, and no.  As I wrote in an earlier post, I see a pattern, a cycle to my relationship with my MIL, and the current stage we are in is "pretend the letter never happened but by some coincidence manage to not see or talk to one another until enough time has passed and we are done being mad and hurt."  And then, when we do finally see one another, we never mention the letter and just pretend all is well.  (And remember, it usually is so much better at that point that it is an enjoyable visit.  Well, at least for my family--don't know what MIL is really thinking or feeling on the inside sometimes.) 

Actually, there was one time when I wrote a letter and MIL did acknowledge it; she told me she got my letter (which I had sent in the mail) but she had not read it.  Of course she was telling me that to try to hurt me, to reject me, and to also not be responsible for whatever I had confronted her about in the letter.  But it did not work, because I knew it was a bald-faced lie. ; )  My MIL is VERY curious, and hates not knowing something, and so I knew there was no way she could have not read it.  So I just said, "Oh, that's fine.  You can just read it whenever you feel like it."  And that was that--blow deflected. 

I know she read the letter I emailed that Monday, even though she has not acknowledged it and probably will not.  I do have a kind of confirmation--she has cut off all communication with me.  In particular I find facebook to be a fascinating indicator of our relationship, and definitely see a purposeful logic behind the posts and photos I make that she either "likes" or withholds her "like" from.  This past year, MIL and I have been growing ever closer in facebook friendship, and so she has "liked" almost everything I have shared. I find this very sweet, and very meaningful.  She has even chosen to "like" certain things in my life, like our church, our pastor, and my dear Becky, which is a very significant sign to me of how MIL was really opening herself up to embrace those aspects of our/my life.  This was her trying to love and accept us and even show support for us!  So I don't take those "likes" lightly.

But since Monday--silence.  Even adorable photos or cute things the kids have said have not received a "like" from MIL.  And then she emailed DH the other day to ask a question--a question that she would normally have emailed me about, because I'm the one who will have the answer.  So I think it is very clear that she read the letter and is in the mad stage. 

By the way, I don't blame her one bit.  Esp. going back and re-reading the letter--it is very bluntly and strongly worded, even harsh at times.  You could also say unrelenting.  Definitely would be very hard to read about myself.  (I would feel badly about this--esp. because of all the codependent ways of relating I naturally fall into that I explained earlier--except that I know it was necessary and even Loving--not in the touchy-feely sense of the word, but in the I Corinthians Chapter 13 way.)

While I do know for a fact that she read it, I do not know that she was able to hear any of it.  Also, the issues I raise in the letter are so huge, so broad and prevalent, that I don't know how someone could process through them easily or quickly, even if she did have a heart to hear and change.  So, all this means that I don't know what things will be like the next time we see one another.  I just know that when we do see each other, if she falls back into the habits I have addressed in the letter, I will have to gently but firmly hold her to this new standard of relating to one another.  And that is not going to be fun.

I should actually not say "if she falls back into the old habits" but "when."  I am assuming the old cycle will continue, and after we both have a cooling down period then we will have a period of renewed relationship and even peace and unity.  But even if this happens, there will at some point start that slow and subtle decline back into the old, harmful way of relating. So it is just a matter of time before that happens.  The only variable is how much time I have before it happens.  And since this letter was a doozy, we might even need more time than usual to process it before we see each other again.

I thought we might have a nice long buffer before we have to see one another--we even already knew we would not be going to their home for Easter this year--so I thought we might have a few months of "down time" in which she and I can both process through whatever we need to.  But just a week ago, FIL emailed DH asking when they could come down and help with projects here. 

And part of why I took the time to write all this out this past week is because I am afraid their next visit might be this upcoming weekend. 

Ack!!!!!! 


(Might have more to say about this later--still processing! The writing is helping!)



*Battlestar Galactica