Update on things with MIL--Pt 1

I started this post yesterday afternoon. . .


This is one of the posts that I have been wanting to write for a while, but just could not get up the energy for.

It is also what was going one month ago when I wrote about a day of girlfriend time and an overload of tea and chocolate--and when I'm done explaining, I think you will see why I over-indugled that day/week. ; )

But it has also been hanging over me a little, and it's time to write. Let's see what I can do in the hour of quiet I'm enforcing here at home this afternoon!

So, it all started several weeks before Christmas. (This is your cue to grab a mug of your favorite warm beverage and something to munch on--sustenance for the journey.)  MIL sent me an email saying she was already feeling upset about Christmas, and reminding me of all the ways we have hurt and rejected her in the past, and "I will never get over that and it has forever ruined Christmas shopping for me."  (that's a direct quote) 

Now I am going to gloss over this whole issue of gift-giving as a huge language of unlove and manipulation and all kinds of unhealthy stuff, because it is really a discussion for another post.  (A post I do hope to make sometime, because I need to think it all through, and writing about it helps me--as do your responses!)  But let's just say I was not surprised, either by her feeling those things or by telling them to me at the most awkward time possible (when we are in the middle of talking gifts).  And actually, I thought it was great that she took the time to write out her feelings, and communicate them to me, and I told her that in my email response.  I ended by trying to be positive and refocus us both on better things:

"Last Christmas seemed like the best Christmas we have ever had together as a family. I don't remember specifically what we did differently, but I do remember reading the Christmas story together, and somehow having more of an emphasis on celebrating the birth of Jesus, and more attention on us all having fun together than all the fun stuff we gave and received.  Whatever we did right last year, let's do again this year!" 

And to that she replied:

"You mentioned you had a good time last year.... remember we left and headed to Colorado."

Which literally had me laughing out loud.  Oh, MIL, trying to turn any good thing I say around to make it bad. : )

 

So I said back,

"The good time I was remembering from last year was with you and [Opa], so must have been before you went to CO.  I have photo evidence. ; )

Clearly there is a lot we could say about this issue between us, and which we should say, if it will promote complete healing in our relationship. I am wondering if we should defer the rest of the conversation until after the holidays; talking about it when it is not gift-giving/receiving time will most likely help keep us from further bruising." 

And then finished with some other business and niceties. She did not respond to that last email, but when we went up to their house for Christmas, she was happy and gracious and seemed to have her heart in a great place and we had a lovely time.  A really nice Christmas, not without its awkward or painful moments, but with way more good things happening than otherwise.  In other words, MIL did an amazing job of letting go of the hurt and choosing to enjoy Christmas, and to be kind and loving. I would even say she was being forgiving, except I know she hasn't actually forgiven us, and this all will resurface again--but she was able to act forgiving while we were together, and that in itself is a beautiful, healthy thing.

But MIL had also hurt her back, and was in pain the entire time--she never complained, but it was clear she was hurting.  Even while in pain she did all the usual things to take care of us, and barely let me help with things.  Fortunately, MIL's sister was out of town, so MIL was the night-time caregiver for her mother, which meant she had to stop doing things at her own house and head down to her mother's house every night at 9 pm.  I am so glad for that, because I think that allowed her to have more relaxing time in the evenings than she would have had otherwise (she often bustles around her own kitchen until midnight or later when we are there), and hopefully she got more sleep.  And with MIL gone earlier, I could get to sleep earlier too, which I think was also very helpful for keeping things going well during the day!  Finally, it was really helpful to not have opportunities for late-night conversations; those can quickly veer into dangerous territory--we all understand how it is easier to let guards on our tongue slip after a long day, or to be irritable when we have been around people all day, etc.

The problem came when it was time to leave. . . .


To be continued. . . Not to sound all dramatic, but that's all I could write last night during quiet time. : )