After the letter

Wow, reading that again in preparation for posting it I was so aware of how bold and blunt I was when writing it.  That was a Confrontation with a capital C, and something I usually run from in terror.  I mentioned before I have written several letters over the years to my MIL whenever there was something Important I wanted her to hear, but in all of those letters I spent a lot of effort very carefully softening my words, trying to be as gentle and inoffensive (and pandering too--bleah) as possible.  This was not only to help her receive my words, but also to try not to hurt her feelings.  (And was also an example of what I meant earlier when I wrote that I have tended to try to serve as a buffer between MIL and the consequences of her actions--even if I was addressing something she had done that was harmful to our family, I was practically bending over backwards to make the truth not hurt.)  This letter was the very first time I have ever spoken to her with such frank wording, caring more about her understanding exactly what I mean than about her feelings in hearing it. 

Amazing what conviction, the power of the Holy spirit, a big jolt of adrenaline and a lot of tea and dark chocolate can do!

That Monday I spent all. day. writing that letter.  The kids were completely happy just being home and so played with new toys they had received at Christmas, and with old favorite toys they had been without for two weeks, read, etc.  So while I took frequent writing breaks to feed them and to help them through their re-entry back into normal home life (including plenty of tearful or angry meltdowns)--the letter writing started around 10 a.m., after cleaning up the kitchen after breakfast, and I think I finished it and emailed it at around 10 p.m.  And in between, I was a mess of nerves--I was being a great mommy, all patient and loving with the kids' needs, but so stressed I could not eat and ended up being totally nauseous all day, with a huge knot in the pit of my stomach.

And yet, the ideas just seemed to flow, and so even though I was totally stressed the whole time I wrote, just because I hate confrontation so much, it really seemed to be the Right Thing to be doing. I was completely confident that I was saying what I was supposed to be saying.  I also felt very strongly that I needed to write the letter that day, so that it would reach MIL while the discussion from that morning was still fresh in her mind. 

I also purposefully wrote and sent it without involving my Dear Husband.  I thought some of you would be wondering, and I want clarify that point, because I do believe that, for better or for worse, DH is the head of our home. We are partners in marriage and in all we do, but we have different roles to play and we have always been in agreement that his is the ultimate authority and responsibility in our home.  (To sum up our roles in perfectly fitting and terribly geeky sci-fi references, DH is the Commander and I'm Madame President* ; ).  But when it comes to my relationship with his mother, I learned years ago that I just have to make a boundary--and it is actually not my husband's business what I say to his mother in a private letter, and vice versa.  Now, I do share the things I write with him, but I do it after the fact--informing him what I have written, instead of feeling like I have to involve him in the writing, or like I have to ask his permission to write.  This has turned out to be such a wise decision, and one that has really worked to strengthen our marriage and not weaken it.  See, DH is such a good son that when I tried to share letters in progress with him early on, he would get all anxious about any whiff of confrontation and would try to convince me not to write it.  He was so trained not to rock the boat, and he was still very well entrenched in the elevation of peace, even if painful, over healthy living. (And remember, it's only in the past few year that I even have the barest understanding of what healthy living with MIL looks like!)  But then when DH tried to talk me out of writing certain things or using certain words, I would feel hurt--as if I was being censored, or like he was choosing her feelings over mine, or like my feelings were not important, etc.  So that's why I made that decision--one of the very few times in our marriage I have said, "this is the way it is going to be."  And while he did not like it (because he worried what my letters might bring in interpersonal backlash), he respected it, and that was a very good thing not only for the ensuing growth with MIL but also our relationship.

So Monday night, DH ended up working late, and I was just finishing the letter when he came home.  I did my final proofreading and praying, and then emailed it. Then when DH was winding down with his beer in hand, and we were lounging and talking on the "sofa," I told him about what had happened that morning before his parents left.  And about the letter I had written and sent in response.  Since I had just finished it, it was still really fresh in my mind, so I pretty much told him the whole thing. But I invited him to read it, and he said yes he thought he should.  But guess what?  He has never read it.  This I see as a very good thing.  It means he is completely comfortable with my relationship-building with his mother now, probably because he has seen some good fruit from it over the years.  Also, it means he trusts me: trusts my judgment that the letter was necessary, that I wrote it with the right tone and intentions, that I was telling him honestly what was in it.  He did not trust me early on in our marriage (mainly because he had no reason to trust me--he grew up not trusting), and so this response from my Dear Husband is one of the unexpected blessings that has already come from the letter writing--it strengthened our marital bond.  The rest of the blessings I expect to come from the letter are still in the future. . . .

I have not been doing a good job of responding to your comments to these posts, and not because I don't appreciate your comments--thank you!  I appreciate your care about all this, and your advice.  I have not responded to most of the comments because I know if I start answering comments, I'll end up doing that instead of finishing the story (I have a tendency to "blog" in comments sections!) and I wanted to get this all written before I run out of time and steam. But I do want to address some of the things you have said.  In particular, several of you (either in the comments, in emails or in person) have asked if I have heard a response from MIL, or if I expect one.  The answers are no, and no.  As I wrote in an earlier post, I see a pattern, a cycle to my relationship with my MIL, and the current stage we are in is "pretend the letter never happened but by some coincidence manage to not see or talk to one another until enough time has passed and we are done being mad and hurt."  And then, when we do finally see one another, we never mention the letter and just pretend all is well.  (And remember, it usually is so much better at that point that it is an enjoyable visit.  Well, at least for my family--don't know what MIL is really thinking or feeling on the inside sometimes.) 

Actually, there was one time when I wrote a letter and MIL did acknowledge it; she told me she got my letter (which I had sent in the mail) but she had not read it.  Of course she was telling me that to try to hurt me, to reject me, and to also not be responsible for whatever I had confronted her about in the letter.  But it did not work, because I knew it was a bald-faced lie. ; )  My MIL is VERY curious, and hates not knowing something, and so I knew there was no way she could have not read it.  So I just said, "Oh, that's fine.  You can just read it whenever you feel like it."  And that was that--blow deflected. 

I know she read the letter I emailed that Monday, even though she has not acknowledged it and probably will not.  I do have a kind of confirmation--she has cut off all communication with me.  In particular I find facebook to be a fascinating indicator of our relationship, and definitely see a purposeful logic behind the posts and photos I make that she either "likes" or withholds her "like" from.  This past year, MIL and I have been growing ever closer in facebook friendship, and so she has "liked" almost everything I have shared. I find this very sweet, and very meaningful.  She has even chosen to "like" certain things in my life, like our church, our pastor, and my dear Becky, which is a very significant sign to me of how MIL was really opening herself up to embrace those aspects of our/my life.  This was her trying to love and accept us and even show support for us!  So I don't take those "likes" lightly.

But since Monday--silence.  Even adorable photos or cute things the kids have said have not received a "like" from MIL.  And then she emailed DH the other day to ask a question--a question that she would normally have emailed me about, because I'm the one who will have the answer.  So I think it is very clear that she read the letter and is in the mad stage. 

By the way, I don't blame her one bit.  Esp. going back and re-reading the letter--it is very bluntly and strongly worded, even harsh at times.  You could also say unrelenting.  Definitely would be very hard to read about myself.  (I would feel badly about this--esp. because of all the codependent ways of relating I naturally fall into that I explained earlier--except that I know it was necessary and even Loving--not in the touchy-feely sense of the word, but in the I Corinthians Chapter 13 way.)

While I do know for a fact that she read it, I do not know that she was able to hear any of it.  Also, the issues I raise in the letter are so huge, so broad and prevalent, that I don't know how someone could process through them easily or quickly, even if she did have a heart to hear and change.  So, all this means that I don't know what things will be like the next time we see one another.  I just know that when we do see each other, if she falls back into the habits I have addressed in the letter, I will have to gently but firmly hold her to this new standard of relating to one another.  And that is not going to be fun.

I should actually not say "if she falls back into the old habits" but "when."  I am assuming the old cycle will continue, and after we both have a cooling down period then we will have a period of renewed relationship and even peace and unity.  But even if this happens, there will at some point start that slow and subtle decline back into the old, harmful way of relating. So it is just a matter of time before that happens.  The only variable is how much time I have before it happens.  And since this letter was a doozy, we might even need more time than usual to process it before we see each other again.

I thought we might have a nice long buffer before we have to see one another--we even already knew we would not be going to their home for Easter this year--so I thought we might have a few months of "down time" in which she and I can both process through whatever we need to.  But just a week ago, FIL emailed DH asking when they could come down and help with projects here. 

And part of why I took the time to write all this out this past week is because I am afraid their next visit might be this upcoming weekend. 

Ack!!!!!! 


(Might have more to say about this later--still processing! The writing is helping!)



*Battlestar Galactica

Letter to my MIL, at the start of the New Year

*Please read the previous post before you read this one, so you know my heart and mind in sharing this with you. 




Dear [Mother-In-Law],

The kids are playing happily outside—still very cold out, but the sun came out at least! ­­and so I have a little while to think and write.  Ever since some of the old gift­-giving sadness resurfaced before Christmas, I have been asking God to show me what He wants for you and me in our relationship together, as mother­-in-­law and daughter-­in-­law and as sisters in Christ.  The Holy Spirit has been telling me it is time for us to grow a little more, in our relationship and in our faith, and the discussion you and I had this morning confirmed it.

So, thank you for speaking so frankly this morning, because that allows me to be frank in return.  And thank you too because your words convicted me about the importance of us continuing to grow and mature in relationship—or we will end up back in the same dysfunctional mess we lived in for so long.   I don't think you really want to go back to that grim time, and yet the things you brought up this morning hearkened all the way back to grievances from when [my Dear Husband] and I first  married. That's 18 years of resentment and bitterness stored up, and it needs to come to light, so we can all experience freedom from it.  I understand that you are upset that we decide things without you and [Father-In-Law], that we do not ask you for advice or permission to do things, and we do not do things the way you would do them.  But honestly, it is time to let it go.  [MIL], you have to let all these things go, for they are clearly causing you to harbor ill will towards us in your heart and mind.   These things are burdening you with negativity, which then comes out of you to wound those around you, more than I think you realize.

[DH] and I have done no harm to you.  Let me repeat that: while you are often angry, hurt and frustrated with us, we have never, ever done anything purposefully to hurt you.  Still, when you have told us of your hurts, we have apologized. Not because we had sinned against you and had to make amends, but because we cared about your feelings and desired a restoration of right relationship.  So why have you not forgiven us?  Why do you hold on to these bad feelings and nurse them along, until they build up in you and you lash out?  Why do you treat us so meanly?  You call me names, you insult my husband and children, and you rant against things in my personal life that you have no business commenting on, let alone criticizing.  You would be ashamed if [favorite niece] or [other favorite niece] heard how you talk to me—but you do it anyway, to purposefully hurt me.

[MIL], is that really who you are?

[DH] and I have done our best to keep peace with you, even when you were not being peaceful.  We have held our tongues when you were using yours like a sword against us.  We have not dishonored you, even when you have done everything you could to tear us down.  We have been patient when you have treated us and our kids horribly.  I have even defended you to the children, and tried to downplay the cruelty of your words to them and us.  We have cared more for your feelings than our own.  We did this because we wanted to honor God.  But when we allow you to bully us and our children, it is not at all honoring to God.  It is enabling sin, and we absolutely cannot do it any more.  I mean not at all.

So, we have talked about this before, but I think it is time to remind us both of what is behaviour
becoming to women in life­long relationship, by marriage but most importantly in Christ:

­­--It is not OK to ever criticize the children.  Not to their faces, and not to us, their parents.  I can hear you arguing with this, saying that you have a right as their grandparents to speak into their lives, into our raising them.  Yes, and no.  Yes, God has given you and [FIL] certain privileges as their  grandparents, to be part of their growing up.  He has also given you responsibilities along with that, such as never, ever harming them, and setting an example for them as a mature follower of Christ.  When you show us through your words and actions that you are taking those responsibility seriously, to the greatest extent that you are able, then you will have earned the right to speak into their lives, and into our raising them.

­­--It is also not OK to ever criticize [DH] and I to our children behind our backs, which we know you have been doing for many years.  There is absolutely no way you can justify this behaviour—it is nothing but mean-­spirited battle tactics intended to undermine our God­-given parental authority, turn our children's favor against us, and weaken our family unit.  If this does not stop, we will not be able to leave the children alone with you, and might have to even keep them away from you. It is that serious.

­­--It is not OK to ever criticize [DH] to me.  He is my husband, we are bound by the Lord of All
Creation into one flesh, and my loyalty is to him.  To listen to you slander him is disloyal, and I will not be party to it again.

­­--It is not OK to ever criticize me to my face.  I used to not care about this, because God shielded my heart and gave me strength to bear it in love, and He promised in Scripture to be my Champion.  But He has shown me that allowing you to slander me is enabling you to sin, and that is sin in itself—me being a stumbling block.  So from now on, I will not allow you to rant against me, my parenting, my wisdom, my choices, anything at all about me. Not only are none of the cruel things you say about me true, but most of them are the complete opposite of the truth.  I will be glad to listen to you when you can speak truth in love.

What you say to [DH] about me is between you and him; but if it is mean­spirited it will likely make him think worse of you than me.

­­--It is not OK to demand that we do what you want us to do, or include you in our decisions, or even tell you anything you want to know.  Ever.  It is just not your business. Not one teeny, tiny bit.  There is a reason why God commanded adults to marry and leave their parents.  As [DH's] parent, you no longer have any hold over him, other than his own strong sense of filial duty, and even that you endanger whenever you belittle and cut him down.  Our marriage, our house, our projects, our parenting, our finances—none of these things are your business, and you have to let them go.  Until it is safe to talk about these things, I will choose not to talk about them with you.

Here too, what you say to [DH] about these things is between you and him.  Also, I will assume
anything he and [FIL] talk about, work on together, etc. is between them.  But between you and me,
we can't allow any of these topics of discussion to lead us to conflict, so for now I will choose not to discuss them at all.

­­--It is not OK to complain that we don't include you in our decisions, or ever tell you anything.  You reap what you sow.  If you want us to share our lives with you, then be a safe person to share with.

I am more than happy to share parts of our life with you, and have enjoyed doing so in the past—
but when you take what I have shared and twist it into something negative to hold against us, or you just plain old criticize it, then I will choose to withhold those parts of our lives from you.  How could I not?!  Esp. when it comes to the children—I will absolutely not tell you anything about their lives unless you stop criticizing them and the choices we make for them as their parents.

­­--Finally, it is not OK to hold us responsible for your feelings.  We are not the reason why you are hurt or angry or frustrated—you are.  Do you see the difference?  No one can make any of us feel a certain way—we choose to feel a certain way in response.  So we are not at all responsible for your feelings, and you may not give us a hard time for them.  You are upset because we hurt you? Then forgive us and choose to leave those hurt feelings at the foot of the Cross.  You are angry because we are doing something you don't like?  That anger is yours alone, and has nothing to do with us.  Work out your anger in whatever healthy way works for you, and choose to let it go.  Frustrated because we never seem to do what makes sense to you?  Tell it to Jesus, and choose to hand it over to Him.

But by all means, please pray for us.  Anytime you think we are in error, or are blind, please pray. God has given us one another in the body “to prepare God's people for works of service, so that the
body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.  Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into Him who is the Head, that is, Christ.  From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in  love, as each part does its work.” (Ephesians 4:12­16)  We need each other, [MIL], you and I.  It pleases God for us to be in relationship together, and whatever we do to love one another despite our human weaknesses is completely because of the power of His Holy Spirit and a testament to His glory.

I don't know why the discussion this morning returned to all those old grievances, but I am not sorry it did—anything that happens that we can learn from and use to grow in our walk with Jesus and healthier in relationship with one another is ultimately a good thing. I will assume you care about all these things as much as I, and will trust you to think and pray about them as God leads you.  You and I have both grown so, so, so much together over the years, and I have really enjoyed the past few years of relative peace and restored relationship.  This Christmas in particular I appreciated that you were able to set aside the things that were bothering you enough so that we could have a lovely time all together.  Thank you for that. 

I am sorry though that this holiday season may have been too stressful, compounded by illness, pain, and then having our children for the week.  I am praying you recover quickly and fully from all of the above!

I will also be praying for both our hearts, and that we would have ears to hear God, and the wisdom to listen.  I don't know when we will next be together, but will look forward to it, trusting that God's going to do His good work in us between now and then.  But until we are both at a better heart place, I am asking that you not come see us, unless you can abide by these healthier and more Scriptural and God-­honoring ways of relating to one another.

Lisa

In which I talk myself into posting the letter

All week I have debated sharing the letter I wrote to MIL.  I have questioned whether or not it is wise or loving or respectful or God-honoring to do so.  (And so I have been writing this post all weekend in bits and spurts.)

Reasons to not share the letter:

1) I was pretty blunt in the letter about the specific things that are part of our "normal" ways of relating with MIL that need to change, and  I am sure you all will be appalled. And so, knowing you will feel that way, I don't want to share it because I don't want to seem to slander her.  Also, the things I confront her about are "private" behaviors, reserved for us lucky family members--she does not (usually) act this way in front of other people, and in the public sphere (well, not consciously), and so I don't want to seem to be invading her privacy. 

2) I am still struggling with the whole "sounding self-righteous" thing, like I am sharing these things with you to get you all on my side, or to try to say I am so great at relationships or something.  Ugh.  We're in this relationship together, and I am JUST as responsible for it's current state as MIL.  I am completely culpable.  I am NOT better than her, or thinking I am.  I am sincerely just saddened by how much I and others in my life have lived out so many of our years without spiritual awareness and self-control, and have, as a result, borne "bad fruit" from it that hurt our relationships with others. I have been convicted over the years about my own need to completely own my choices, esp. with my own mouth and attitude;  MIL and I are very similar in some ways, and I too have treated my loved ones, including my husband, in very similar ways at points in my life.  I am NO better.   So not only do I want to keep growing ever closer to being the person God desires me to be, but I am also feeling responsible for my part in how things have turned out with my MIL.  I am partly to blame for how we stand, and I want to completely own my role in our relationship, and make only positive, healing, affirming choices for our future.

3) It is also awkward to post things one has written to a third party.  Not only does it feel like I'm purposefully skewing the story by only sharing my side, but it also feels like I think I'm so wise or brilliant or something, and am bestowing upon my adoring circle of admirers the fount of my wisdom. . . blah, blah, blech.  I don't want to be that person who seems to think that highly of herself and what she writes. How mortifying.

But. 

After all weekend of serious deliberation, I think I have decided to share it anyway, and just ask you all to take it in the best light possible, assuming I mean to neither puff myself up nor pull MIL down, and I will also ask you to choose for yourself if you personally feel it crosses a line of gossip, and then you are free not to read it.  (Since we all have different levels of sensitivity and different spiritual weaknesses about that.)

Reasons to share the letter:

A) I thought about sharing just parts of the letter instead, but really the whole thing is quite to the point about what our relationship has been for so long, and about what I have expressed needs to change.  I do think those expectations could possible be helpful for some of you to read, based upon what you have said to me in private.  I do think this is all part of much bigger things that God is doing in me and hopefully in my MIL too.  Maybe He will even use some of this story to work something good in one of you--I would love to think that the fairly miserable things I have gone through, and am still going through, will have some greater good!

B)  As I wrote that first point above a couple days ago, I had a HUGE moment of clarity--one of those times when I could see the situation from outside myself, as maybe the rest of the world would see it.  CRAZY.   I started by writing that it's just MIL's family who gets the fun of all the negativity, but then I realized, actually no.  Not everyone in the family gets to experience all of it.  Really, while most of the people who share life with MIL receive some degree of her negativity, DH and I get most of MIL's crazy --which of course made me stop and question why?

Imagine a person's world of relationships is like an onion, with different layers of intimacy, starting with the public realm on the outside and progressively getting smaller and more private towards the center.  I think we all do this pretty much--how much we show of our worst selves corresponds with how well we know the people around us, how much we feel like it's their job to know and/or put up with our deficiencies, and how much we feel safe with them.   So we are usually pretty nice and charming to those people we don't know very well on the outside (although not always), but we tend to let our "real" selves hang all out to those in the inner circles--first our extended family, then our close friends, then our immediate family, then--the "luckiest" person in our lives--our spouse.   

Maybe what I just wrote does not seem to fit your world, but it sure does fit mine. And so in this particular case, MIL lets a little bit of the negativity and control issues slip out to her extended family(her nieces and their husbands for example), then quite a bit more to her immediate family (her mother and sisters), then a little more to DH's sister and her husband, and then a lot more to DH himself, and then seems to sometimes hold nothing back with me.  (I am purposefully not going to comment on her relationship with FIL or any friends, because they are not my business, but I will say she respects her husband to the extent she is able and does not rant about him in front of us, while she does rant about us in front of him. So that is worth noting, because it suggests DH and then I are personally at the very bottom of the pecking order.  But it also means that FIL is a wonderful man and we all know it. : ) 

So it is really interesting why I, the person at the bottom of the pecking order, would be on the very inner circle of intimacy (if showing one's worst self = intimacy), because I am the "outsider," the person who married into the family who does not belong, and even during that Monday's rant she argued that I had made it very clear from even before DH and I married that I was not choosing to be part of the family.  She sees me as "other," and that partly explains the hostility.  But then, if I am the one who does not belong, the outsider, why am I one of the ones who get to see the most awful side of her?  Is she unconsciously trying to chase me away?  Is she blaming & punishing me for her misery, because life would be so much better if somehow I had never entered the picture and made everything go awry?  Or is she unconsciously testing me, to see how far she will go before she can drive me away?  Or am I somehow truly "safe"?  If so, that is one twisted compliment. 

The fact that I am on the very most inner circle of MIL's "onion" is why I am taking this relationship so seriously.  But when I was writing the other day, the meaning of the concentric circles of increasing intimacy (and sin, and misery) also really hit me, and I could "see" the onion so clearly for the first time ever.  And I realized how CRAZY it is that DH and I are on the inner circles of misery, and it is because WE HAVE CHOSEN TO BE.  The reason MIL does not let the yucky stuff fly with extended family (like the cousins we spend holidays at their house with) is because she knows they will call her on it, and she is smart enough not to put herself into that awkward position of being challenged for her behavior in front of others.  She knows she can't get away with it.  But DH and I, on the other hand. . . we have PUT OURSELVES into this place of being the easy, available targets.  We are not in this vulnerable and painful position because we chose to be in relationship with her, but because we have chosen to be enablers in relationship with her. 

I mentioned the other day that about 10 years ago there was a pivotal event, and it forever changed the course of my/our relationship with MIL, for the better.  One of the revelations that came out of that event was the realization that DH and I were reaping what we had sown ever since we got married.  For the first five years of marriage we had allowed MIL to dictate so much of our lives, and had hidden our true selves, and had pretty much been malleable and weak and soft in all the ways we should not have been, and so when suddenly something mattered and I was trying to take a stand, it did not work at all.  And in my shock, God was able to whisper to me, and show me that for those five years we had taught MIL that she had control over us in ways that were not right, and not really true.  We had always just done whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted, and put up with anything she threw at us (but only when we were with her of course), and it was always done purely from good motives: to respect DH's parents and to try to keep peace.

Although writing that, I just realized it is not true.  It's partly true, and what we were trying to aim for, yes.  But clearly the #1 factor in how we were relating to her was FEAR.

C)  And maybe that is the biggest reason why I want to write about all this--because I am starting to come out from under years of living under legalism and being motivated by unhealthy things like fear and insecurity and feeling like I have to earn love, that I have to prove my worth.  Feeling that I have to defend my right to be treated well.  I don't want to live in fear anymore, and right now I am a little fearful of sharing the letter, because of how you all might view me or how in theory I would be hurting MIL's feelings if she knew.  Forget that.  In this one area of my life, I am tired of always trying to be perfect and please everyone else. 

I am also sick and tired of glossing over other people's hurting me.  Even defending their mistreatment.  Part of me being the problem and enabling the sin is that I try to deflect the consequences of a person's bad choice away from them, to almost buffer them from the harm they are causing themselves and others!  This might be partly just the way I am wired, because I am a people pleaser at heart, but I have been doing it to an unhealthy extent, for a long time, and esp. with my MIL.  I have to stop protecting her from the consequences of what she has been doing for so long.

D)  Also, God has been showing me a lot of Scripture recently about the sin happening in the dark, and how bringing things out into the light brings understanding, freedom, and healing.  (I started to share verses here, but it was too hard to write it all out, since I felt like I had to interpret them as a theologian, so if you want to know verse just ask me and I will share them!)  The bottom line is that
I want to speak plainly, but respectfully, of what has happened, and get it out in the light. Because if I don't talk about it, because of worrying about being disrespectful to MIL, it's like I am still pretending all is well.  Like I am living in fear.  Like I am still covering over the sinful behavior to shield it from the bold, uncompromising light of day.

But fear lurks in the darkness, and sin thrives there.  I'm so tired of darkness.  I want freedom, and exposure, so healing can REALLY begin.

E)  Finally, I wondered to myself the other day in the car if there was a group of people with whom I could share this part of the story without feeling like I was gossiping or slandering my MIL.  I realized yes--a private therapy group.  So, you are all now officially my private therapy group, and we all know that means the things I say here are confidential, so I am going to assume you all are trustworthy. : )  Just please remember the "But" above, and the context in which I am sharing this.


May God's light shine fully in all of our lives today, for His Good purposes!  AMEN.

Update on Things with MIL, Pt. 5

I sincerely hope you are pacing yourself reading these.  I have never written this much in one 24 hour period before, but I have really been putting it off and yet wanting to do it, and so I am jumping on the opportunities I suddenly have and making myself do it and get it done. But you are under no such obligation!  So if you want to read all these, please spread them out and don't give yourself eye strain.  

(Also, I know some of you get what I write delivered to your inbox--does it also email you if I make updates?  Just so you know, I often go back and revise and clarify and proofread further after publishing (seeing it against the blog background sometimes helps me see it in new light. : ), so reading it on the blog and not in emails will also help you read anything I write with the most accuracy.  Just consider that an FYI. : )


OK, so now we are back to that fateful Monday morning.

After MIL and I had that brief clash, she and DH talked for a few more minutes, then DH went outside to talk to his dad, who was working on the truck, before he went to work.  I took a deep breath, and then went into the living room so MIL and I could just clear the air.  With a calm and casual manner, I said I wanted to clarify what I had been trying to say earlier, when I had started to interject in the conversation she was having with DH.  You see, she wants him to get things done around here, but is always telling him how he can't do the work, how he doesn't know how to do the work, how only FIL can do it, how he needs to figure out when FIL can come down and do the work for him.  So I was speaking very nicely, but was asking her to consider if she is aware of the messages she is sending DH and if they are really the messages she wants to be sending him.

MIL did not even let me finish.  She interrupted me and proceeded to go on and on and on and on and on (about 40 minutes) about all manner of things under the sun, all of them about me, most of them untrue, and all of them unkind or none of her business.  I tried to summarize here some of the things she said, just so you would see how random they were, and how purposefully over-the-top negative--but I tried to write and then had to delete it twice, because it just sounds like I am ragging on her like she was ragging on me.  It would just be slandering her to say specifics, because they are so not what nice Christian women say to anyone out loud.  So instead, I'll share the things I thought were relevant about the whole conversation:

--MIL was really in a tirade, but she was oddly impassionate.  I mean, we all understand when someone gets upset and says mean things on purpose to hurt someone, out of the fuel of their momentary anger.  But this was different--she was ranting and interrupting, but there was no yelling, no passion.  It was more of a loud discussion, but the things coming out were so pointed to slander and stab that the juxtaposition was bizarre.  This was a sign to me of some underlying weariness with it al, which could be good.

--Through all of this, I was calm and collected.  I did raise my voice at times to be heard, or to be emphatic, and there were times I sounded frustrated, but I never lost my cool or was disrespectful.  This is entirely because of God having prepared me.

--I didn't get insulted or upset.  Which, if you know me, is HUGE.  I seriously can't even remember most of the things she said about me, which is not normal.  (I tend to absorb harmful words and remember them later and dwell on them, which I am trying not to do now.)  So this is also the power of the Holy Spirit in that moment, that I didn't really absorb any of the malice, but was able to honestly just care about her and I working through it.  The goal was not proving her wrong, but reconciliation. Wow--just typing that gave me a shiver, because that is so clearly God and not me.

--I tried to help her let go of things that don't really matter, and asked her questions to try to get to the heart of the issues.  For example, when she complained that we never involve them in important decisions, like buying this house, I said You are absolutely right.  And we've talked about this before. You know why we didn't involve you in the decision.  She then interrupted to divert the conversation, but I brought her back to that important point: Because of how you get upset when we don't choose the way you would choose.  It is awkward to speak those painful truths aloud, but with all the untruth and unkindness flying about, it made it easier.  Throughout the whole conversation I kept trying to point to truth, trying to speak plainly about where we stand now, her and I in relationship.  Ok, so we choose differently than you would.  You have to let it go.  These are not the decisions you get to make.  These are our decisions. How do you and I move forward in relationship now, even if we disagree?

--But I am sure nothing that I said had any impact whatsoever. MIL was not in a place to hear anything logical or true, she just had all this stuff built up in her and wanted to get it out.  So while all the ugly was highly personal, it was also oddly impersonal--like it was not really about me, so much as about her own unhappiness.   She would make statements and accusations, I would ask her to defend them, or explain, or ask her where the middle ground was in that example, so she and I could come to some understanding, so this could all be helpful to our growth--but she would just jump to another topic and make different statements and accusations.  It was feint and dodge, feint and dodge, getting nowhere.

--The old hurts and harms went back all the way to before DH and I were married.  This was the most significant part of the whole event to me, because it showed just how long MIL has been collecting grievances.  : (  This is some serious spiritual bondage. 

--And the end result was that I was frustrated that we could not actually communicate at that moment, when there was clearly so much we needed to get out, work through, and resolve.   (I want to clarify that I did not raise any grievances against MIL--at no point did I bring up her flaws, or how she has hurt me, etc.  It was all listening to MIL and trying to speak honestly and point to truth--no defense of myself, no accusations in response, no rebuttals.  This was a time for her,  not for me.)

But finally, the kids woke up and came out, so MIL and I just mutually agreed there was really no way to end the discussion with resolution, and left it at that.  I made breakfast, we ate, FIL got the truck fixed and MIL rushed them away, to our mutual relief.

When the truck had gone, I was practically weak from the stress, but I was also strangely energized.  Because I realized God had finally answered my questions.  He was saying, This is what I care about.  Now is the time to confront. 

And the best part was that I was now completely free to do so!  Here I had been dreading the confrontation I knew would be coming, worrying how I would do it, not wanting to hurt feelings or stir up trouble.  But here MIL had just solved that dilemma by being the one to break the peace, so I did not have to.  And her openness made it not only acceptable, but necessary for me to speak with equal openness.  Amen! 

This being the children's first day back home after their long Christmas holiday, I had no intentions of doing school.  We were still on break, and it was perfect--they played, they read, and I pretty much sat at the computer all day writing MIL a letter. 


(More to come later!)

P.S. It is so awkward to write all this, and this is partly why I kept not writing it.  I don't want to sound like I am all proud of myself for handling this all so well--actually, I am AMAZED at how well God was able to use me, because I let him.  I am sure I'm not doing this perfectly, but it doesn't matter--I'm trying to listen and then obey.  And so that's why I am telling you all this--because this is a God story.  All of what happens with me & MIL is part of the God story, and I really want to share it with you.  So can you please not think it's about me and what a great DIL I am, or how I'm so much better than MIL or something.  She and I are really in the same boat, and are very similar in a lot of ways--and literally, there but for the Grace of God go I.  We both need to keep growing.  But I'm just thankful that God is helping me see how to grow, and is walking along side me so clearly at time like this.  I seriously feel like this is one of those times when it seemed like He spoke directly to my spirit.  It amazes me, and I feel so blessed.   

Update on Things with MIL, Pt. 4

Once again, I find I need to backtrack a little before I resume the story. Because I forgot to tell you one thing that is a really important part of the story.

Remember back in Dec, when MIL emailed about how we had ruined Christmas forever for her?  Remember I said I was not really surprised?  Well, I wasn't surprised for two reasons: first, because MIL has said this same thing to us several times before over the years, and the holidays are often a time that brings up those old  hurts.  But second, and most importantly, I had been feeling the nudging of the Holy Spirit for several months, telling me that I was getting too complacent again, too settled into "as peaceful as possible," too afraid of rocking the boat to be a positive influence in my relationship with MIL.  And it's true.  Things have been slowly but steadily going downhill in our relationship for about 6 months or so, and I know we have to turn it around.  It's time to let the Holy Spirit shake us up a little, get us back to be intentional in our choices with one another and actively working towards righteousness living together.

Ever since we had a pivotal moment in our relationship (and in my own growth as a person) about 10 years ago, she and I go through phases of peace and clashing, based upon our temperments and how much we are choosing to let go or confront.  The pivotal moment was a confrontation--the first time I ever attempted to stand up to my MIL, and while I did not succeed, it was really good and important because God spoke to me through it in huge ways.  Since then the pattern has been:

--I confront her about something that needs to change (often in face to face conversation, but for really big things I write letters)

--We have a period of separation which we all pretend is because of busy schedules, etc. But the time of not seeing one another is really good, because we can be mad if we want, but then have time to cool down and seek God.  We have time for ideas to simmer, and for us to realize our role and to then choose better for down the road.  I'd say this separation time usually lasts 1-3 months.

--She does not acknowledge the confrontation, but when we do see each other again, there is always--always--some fruit.  Whatever I had confronted her on will be improved, sometimes completely.

--We enjoy a period of peace and getting along.  We are both working hard to please the other, and to do our parts to keep peace and grow our relationship.

(Sometimes it may not look to the outside world that this is happening, because it might still include lots of harsh words, etc. but I can see the things MIL is doing and not doing to purposefully choose to move forward in our relationship as a family, and that is worth celebrating.)

--Then after some time (sometimes less time, sometimes more--usually around 6 months to 1 year) we both start to slip into old ways of relating--those old familiar patterns that are so hard to unlearn.  She might start to be a little less patient, might start letting the stinging tongue fly a little more, and in response I start to panic and freeze up inside, but outwardly smile and go along with things as best I can to avoid conflict.  I start to try to be as good as I can be, to look ahead for potential potholes, to hide the parts of me and our lives that are the most unbearable or irritating for MIL.  In other words, I fall under legalism and false living, and start catering to the sin.  And it never helps.

--MIL starts to get worse and worse, and so time spent with them gets less and less pleasant, and DH and I keep enabling and enabling, because we are so trained to avoid conflict, until finally there is something that I have no choice but to speak out about--or until the Holy Spirit convicts and emboldens me. 

--When so convicted, I can then summon up my courage, and confront her again.  And then the cycle starts over.

I am not trying to make it sound like I am personally responsible for all the good and growth that has happened in our relationship. No, but it is very true that the times that I have confronted her have led to growth for both of us.  I do not accept responsibility for that--that is only God's doing, so He gets any credit.  I can only take credit for asking God to show me what's going on, having my eyes open to the pattern, and sometimes being brave (or obedient) enough to stop sinning for a while in the relationship--when I put it that way, it doesn't sound like much to be puffed up about, does it? 

When I slip back into the easy thing of being a people pleaser, then it is too easy for MIL to slip back into being. . . whatever the issue is.  Or maybe another way to look at it: when I am asking and trusting and depending upon the Holy Spirit to love through me, and insist that He be our standard of communication, it somehow helps MIL be free to do the same.  It's like we are recalibrating together, based upon the Truest standard. 

But when we help MIL fall back into harmful patterns of relating--not allow (passive), but help (active)--then we are sinning too. 

OK, so a few months before Christmas, things were starting to hit the "old ways" part of the cycle, and I could feel the Holy Spirit nudging me.  Whispering, hey, wake up.  It's time. 

Time to get uncomfortable.  Time to grow some more.

Basically, I knew God would want me to confront MIL about something, and that it was going to be scary and painful but necessary and He was getting me ready.  So when the old "Christmas ruined because of stuff" came up, I started asking God, "Is this it?  Is this what I'm supposed to confront MIL about?"  But I did not hear confirmation back in the affirmative.  I still did not know. I prayed for those several weeks before Christmas, not knowing how the holidays together were going to go down, asking God to just make it very clear what to say, and when.  Because while things were starting to get worse, it was slow and subtle--and I really did not want the one to rock the boat, to seem to start a conflict.  How could I confront MIL about serious, sensitive issues between us when she was overall still being fairly nice?  It would seem unjust, and even insensitive. I was dreading it, whatever it was. 

Until God told me  This. Now.


(to be continued!)

Update on Things with MIL, Pt.3

Monday morning.  My poor MIL. 

I should pause for a moment and explain that while we were up in Chico for Christmas, MIL and FIL and MIL's mother were all recovering from some kind of bad cold, and were still coughing and clearly not feeling 100% normal, even though they all said were fine.   So now here they had just skipped church and driven down five hours to bring the kids back to us, because of the trouble with FIL's truck, which was not our fault but which necessitated the change in plans and which definitely inconvenienced them more than we would have liked.  Then they were now at our house, a place that MIL already finds stressful and unpleasant for so many reasons.  She still had a bad cough, and she was likely tired from taking care of extra people for almost 2 weeks, and with her back hurting the whole time.  And I am betting she had packed up ALL THE TOO MUCH STUFF for the kids (we had packed up all the gifts and brought them back with us, so the only things needed packing were the kids clothes and their backpacks, which had their water bottles, books for the car, etc.) without asking for help so her back was probably really hurting her by the time they got to our place--and then she and FIL spent the night sleeping out in the freezing cold on foam mattresses in the back of FIL's pickup truck. 

I am sharing all this detail because I really want to tell you this story but not be unfairly hard on MIL. I want to show how much she was working hard to actively show love to us, and how much she sacrificed for it.

Of course, this is all actually their choice, which they insist upon doing, even the sleeping in the truck.  They own a motorhome, but they don't like to drive it because it uses too much gas and is a pain to back into the driveway.  Also, they always want to bring firewood with them, which they can't do it they drive the motorhome. So they don't bring the motorhome when they come to stay with us.  They also own a big van that has seats that fold down to make beds and that has a little kitchenette and closet.  They used to drive that down, hauling a trailer full of firewood.  But then something happened to the trailer so they can't use it to haul wood anymore, and so now they choose to load up FIL's big pickup truck with wood and drive it down instead. We all help empty it immediately after they arrive and then they clean out the truck bed and lay down foam mattresses and turn that into their private space for the duration of the stay.  As you can see, they care so much about bringing us firewood that they gladly sacrifice their own energy and comfort for it.  They spend a lot of time and money and physical exertion buying and then loading and unloading that wood, and then they get to sleep in what must be a fairly uncomfortable bed for their troubles. And they are not young people, either, although clearly they are tough and practical, and I appreciate both of those qualities in them--but c'mon, that must not feel good when waking up in the morning.

They usually don't complain, and insist it is comfortable and quite warm when they have been in there a while, but once in a while MIL lets a comment slip that shows it is really not all that comfortable.  I imagine the worst parts are not having a bathroom and having to move around (and dress!) in a crouch.

And while it used to be that they could get really good wood for cheap, because of all the orchards around Chico, that's not the case anymore, and so there is really no point to them making all these sacrifices for us.  We live in a heavily wooded area, with local orchards too.  But this is just one way they want to show their love, and if they insist upon doing it,  how can we say no?  (I prefer to save my "no's" for things that really matter.) The only problems are A the guilt that I sometimes feel directed at us for all the sacrifice they are making for us because of the wood, which I just try not to allow myself to accept.  And B, the problem of MIL and FIL having likely crappy night's sleep when they are here, and likely feeling like we are not appreciating them, and maybe even on some level feeling cast out from our lives, as we are all warm and cozy in our house and they have to go sleep out in the cold and uncomfortable truck.

I also feel a little guilt because I am really glad they go sleep elsewhere, and I don't care if it's in a truck as long as it is not in my house.  I do not at all want them to be uncomfortable, but really, we all need even just a little space away, a little break from one another during visits, and that is really hard to come by in a house the size of ours!  They come into the house before 7 (which you realize means they come into the equivalent of our bedroom at 7) and then stay (in our bedroom) until often 11 at night.  The only reprieve we ever get from each other's company is when I invent errands to run alone (sometimes legitimate ; ), or when I'm working in the kitchen and don't need help and MIL goes to read with the kids or browse facebook (thank the Good Lord for facebook and touchpads).  You can appreciate how that much time together without break would get a little strained after a while, even for people who genuinely like and are comfortable around each other!  So while we have offered to give them our bed when they visit, or a blow up on the floor, I am very relieved that they always decline, saying their pickup "bed" is perfectly good.

Except we all know it is probably not really, esp. when you are getting older and are sick and cold and in pain!  So that Sunday night DH and I tried to encourage them to swap with us and take our bed while we stayed in the truck, but they were insistent.  They even declined the heater we tried to foist on them, since it was getting down to the upper 30's in the night.  So all this is to say that I think these things are all very relevant to how things went down Monday morning. 

Like the Titanic.

The kids were fast asleep (tired from all the late nights and excitement at Oma and Opa's, and happy to be back in their own cramped beds ; ) that morning when MIL came in the house around 7:30.  FIL was already working on repairing his truck, I was making breakfast, and DH was getting ready for work.  MIL started in on her son there in the living room, giving him a hard time for the beds not being done, and saying things like how our children's little hearts were absolutely crushed when they realized the beds were not done.  I stepped away from the kitchen to defend DH, and MIL immediately rebuked me for entering into a conversation that I was not a part of.  I just took a deep breath, bit my tongue, and resumed work in the kitchen.  But my heart was racing, and I had the weight of certainty on me--I knew we could not just leave it at that.  Once DH was gone, MIL and I  were going to have to find resolution to the conflict that had just reared its head between us.  And it was probably not going to be pretty.  But it was time, and it was necessary, and with God's grace and the power of the Holy Spirit, it might even end up Good.


(Again, to be continued.  I'm writing as fast as I can in the breaks I have--really nice ones today, unexpectedly!--and might be able to post more tonight)

Update on Things with MIL, Pt. 2

Continued from previous post. . .


See, way back at Thanksgiving we had made plans for the kids to stay at Oma and Opa's house for a week at Christmas.  (MIL had requested two weeks with the kids this past summer, instead of the traditional one week of VBS, but we had too much going on to do it then.)  But now here it was time to leave the kids for a week, and MIL was in pain.  I really did not want to leave them, but she insisted.  She would have been mad and hurt if we changed the plans, and I knew the kids would not really be hard to handle (they would just play and read all day, they can bathe themselves and the older ones can help the youngers, so in theory MIL could have taken perfectly good care of them while resting on the couch the whole week).  So, we went ahead and left them.  I don't see how we could have chosen differently, and yet I wish we could have, because I think it ended up being too hard on MIL.

So we had been up in Chico for about 3 days total for Christmas (we have learned that shorter is better) and then we left the kids about 10 days--until the first weekend of the new year.  That time without kids we spent doing so much of the bed planning and purchasing, etc. I detailed in the last post, and DH also did end of the year insurance stuff  and paperwork (and squeezing in eye appointments).  Oh, and we also had the septic emptied, which takes a whole day of back-breaking digging for DH to uncover and then re-cover the ancient thing.  So the time went quickly, and was for the most part a nice break, and a productive one.

I fear it was not a nice break for my MIL though.  I think the stress of taking care of so many people first over the Christmas part (her mother, all of us) and then the week after (even though our kids are really self-sufficient, and are of an age to be really helpful, MIL was likely doing more fancy cooking and trying to take them places and show them a good time then she should have been doing, and not letting them help her either) and the pain, combined with understandable post-holiday let-down was just too much for her.  They brought the kids down to us that first Sunday in January (we were supposed to meet them halfway, but had swapped cars with them so they could have our mini-van with the car seats, but then FIL's truck would not start, so they had to drive all the way down so FIL could replace a part, which he did Monday morning).  And as soon as MIL stepped out of the car she started verbally attacking me. And so of course immediately I was riled and in fight or flight mode.

See, as MIL informed me so clearly, I packed too much.  I packed WAY too much clothing, way more than anyone ever would ever need to pack.  I packed WAY TOO MUCH clothing for the children, WAY MORE than they needed, and it was such a pain to keep track of and pack and they never even wore it, MIL just kept washing the same outfits every night so they DIDN"T EVEN NEED ALL THE CLOTHES I had packed, which were WAY TOO MUCH. I should NEVER pack so much clothing.  She keeps telling me not to pack so much and telling me and I still ALWAYS pack TOO MUCH. 

For an almost 2 week visit, I had packed each child 4 outfits (top + pants + socks), plus one church outfit, 5 undies, and one pair of pajamas. This seems very reasonable to me--even on the conservative side.

Then before we left Chico I had washed the clothes, then folded and organized them on shelves in the guest room, one shelf to a child, so each child had a clearly designated space for clothing, and all the pieces of outfits together so there would be no fuss.  There was no need for any laundry to be done, if the kids wore each outfit twice, esp. considering they received some clothes from Oma for Christmas. So the woman with the hurt back would have no need to be doing laundry for my kids, and really would not even need to help the kids with their clothes at all.

Of course it seems like more when it is packed up, because each child also had a winter coat, a hoodie, a vest, and hat & gloves.  Necessary but bulky things.

But perhaps it seemed like TOO MUCH because of the additional clothes MIL went out and BOUGHT the kids that week, AND the clothes she gave them for Christmas, AND the clothes that her sister handed down to her, which she then decided to give Sunny and Merry.  Including THREE hoodies.  You realize how much space three extra adult hoodies take up in a bag?

And I am also guessing that it seemed like TOO MUCH because of all the laundry she did that she didn't have to do, and clearly should not have done, because of her back.  Also, I have a feeling it seemed like TOO MUCH because she packed up everything herself and did not ask for help, and was in pain the whole time, which would make anyone crabby.

In other words, the whole tirade I was greeted with was so unfair and illogical, and those happen to be hot buttons of mine--being blamed for things for which I am not responsible, and using against me things that it feels like everybody else in the world would agree are good and logical things.

So I just chose to greet them and the children quickly, and then carry things into the house and stay there until after the tirade, which MIL then turned on DH because of the size of the bags we had left at their house for the return packing, which were WAY TOO BIG and just all-around wrong and did I mention WAY TOO BIG.  I could hear it going on through the windows, but I was removed enough that I could take some deep breaths and pray to the Good Lord to help me stay calm and to show me how to love in this situation. 

And so I was able to be pretend all was well, and MIL must have gotten it out of her system (and perhaps even realized how she had been going on and was able to take a few deep breaths herself and choose better) because we had a nice evening overall.  There was one moment after the kids were in bed when the conversation of us four adults there in the living room suddenly turned sour, and got a little tense, but we were able to recover and end the night well.

But the next morning. . . .  Sigh. . . .


(I know, I'm making this all dramatic, but these really are the best breaking places in the story!  Part 3 to come hopefully by tomorrow--because this is all for a reason, something happening in my life right now that is best understood with all the background story.)

Update on things with MIL--Pt 1

I started this post yesterday afternoon. . .


This is one of the posts that I have been wanting to write for a while, but just could not get up the energy for.

It is also what was going one month ago when I wrote about a day of girlfriend time and an overload of tea and chocolate--and when I'm done explaining, I think you will see why I over-indugled that day/week. ; )

But it has also been hanging over me a little, and it's time to write. Let's see what I can do in the hour of quiet I'm enforcing here at home this afternoon!

So, it all started several weeks before Christmas. (This is your cue to grab a mug of your favorite warm beverage and something to munch on--sustenance for the journey.)  MIL sent me an email saying she was already feeling upset about Christmas, and reminding me of all the ways we have hurt and rejected her in the past, and "I will never get over that and it has forever ruined Christmas shopping for me."  (that's a direct quote) 

Now I am going to gloss over this whole issue of gift-giving as a huge language of unlove and manipulation and all kinds of unhealthy stuff, because it is really a discussion for another post.  (A post I do hope to make sometime, because I need to think it all through, and writing about it helps me--as do your responses!)  But let's just say I was not surprised, either by her feeling those things or by telling them to me at the most awkward time possible (when we are in the middle of talking gifts).  And actually, I thought it was great that she took the time to write out her feelings, and communicate them to me, and I told her that in my email response.  I ended by trying to be positive and refocus us both on better things:

"Last Christmas seemed like the best Christmas we have ever had together as a family. I don't remember specifically what we did differently, but I do remember reading the Christmas story together, and somehow having more of an emphasis on celebrating the birth of Jesus, and more attention on us all having fun together than all the fun stuff we gave and received.  Whatever we did right last year, let's do again this year!" 

And to that she replied:

"You mentioned you had a good time last year.... remember we left and headed to Colorado."

Which literally had me laughing out loud.  Oh, MIL, trying to turn any good thing I say around to make it bad. : )

 

So I said back,

"The good time I was remembering from last year was with you and [Opa], so must have been before you went to CO.  I have photo evidence. ; )

Clearly there is a lot we could say about this issue between us, and which we should say, if it will promote complete healing in our relationship. I am wondering if we should defer the rest of the conversation until after the holidays; talking about it when it is not gift-giving/receiving time will most likely help keep us from further bruising." 

And then finished with some other business and niceties. She did not respond to that last email, but when we went up to their house for Christmas, she was happy and gracious and seemed to have her heart in a great place and we had a lovely time.  A really nice Christmas, not without its awkward or painful moments, but with way more good things happening than otherwise.  In other words, MIL did an amazing job of letting go of the hurt and choosing to enjoy Christmas, and to be kind and loving. I would even say she was being forgiving, except I know she hasn't actually forgiven us, and this all will resurface again--but she was able to act forgiving while we were together, and that in itself is a beautiful, healthy thing.

But MIL had also hurt her back, and was in pain the entire time--she never complained, but it was clear she was hurting.  Even while in pain she did all the usual things to take care of us, and barely let me help with things.  Fortunately, MIL's sister was out of town, so MIL was the night-time caregiver for her mother, which meant she had to stop doing things at her own house and head down to her mother's house every night at 9 pm.  I am so glad for that, because I think that allowed her to have more relaxing time in the evenings than she would have had otherwise (she often bustles around her own kitchen until midnight or later when we are there), and hopefully she got more sleep.  And with MIL gone earlier, I could get to sleep earlier too, which I think was also very helpful for keeping things going well during the day!  Finally, it was really helpful to not have opportunities for late-night conversations; those can quickly veer into dangerous territory--we all understand how it is easier to let guards on our tongue slip after a long day, or to be irritable when we have been around people all day, etc.

The problem came when it was time to leave. . . .


To be continued. . . Not to sound all dramatic, but that's all I could write last night during quiet time. : )