vacillating

Wow, there is so so much I have been wanting to write about these past two weeks--I feel as if I am "behind" with my blogging!  And since I spent all last Spring and this Summer feeling "behind" with homeschooling,*  I hate the feeling of "behind" and it makes me stress out and go into avoidance mode.  I know those of you who stop by don't care one whit about when I blog (or you would not still be around!), but *I* care--because some stories are best told in a certain order, or are more fun to read when they are fresh, or I am just so excited to share them with you that I get bummed when I don't have the chance.

ANYWAY, I am hoping to do a lot of blogging this week!  But I am also hoping to do a lot of homeschooling with my kids (we are still getting into the full swing of things), and am purging again, BIG TIME, and I have been trying to be better about cooking dinners (yes, I lapsed again), and my house desperately needs attention. . . so, we'll see!

Since I only have a few moments this moment (the kids are supposed to be getting ready for martial arts, Smiley is on the potty) I just thought I would tell you one little thing going on with me this week.  I am going back and forth between good mommy and bad mommy.  I am all patient and working with the kids, and then wham I get snarly.  What is up with that?

Oh, wait.  It just occured to me as I typed that, that this is probably the few days leading up to my period.  Huh.  Could there be hormones connected?  Very likely.  (This is what happens when you only have a handful of periods in 10 years--you kinda forget how it all works.)

That revelation actually makes me feel so much better!  Here I was going to ponder briefly about what is going on in my spirit, and here it is most likely something going on in my physical body! 

See, look at how productive blogging can be!

Ok, moment is over, kids are play fighting instead of getting ready, time to go smack some heads gently lead them in the way they should go. 

I hope you are all have a good start to your week! 




*The truth is I'm not behind, there is no such thing in homeschooling to begin with, and my kids are testing just fine--but I spent all last Spring and this Summer feeling "behind" and that is one of the things I have long been feeling "behind" in writing about.  Sheesh.)

Update #1: Sweetness

Some of you remember me writing about our little niece "Sweetness" (my blog nick-name for her) before, and her traumatic premature birth, and how she has struggled with underdeveloped lungs, etc.  Well, first, look at how big and strong she is now, in this adorable photo with her parents!

Here is what DH's sister wrote a few weeks ago in her ministry newsletter:

[Sweetness] is a great joy. She is a happy, friendly, easy-going baby. She is nine months old (six months corrected age) and 15 pounds. She is healthy and strong overall. I could almost forget she has health concerns except for her ongoing appointments with her pediatrician, pulmonologist, endocrinologist, ophthalmologist, physical therapist, and respiratory therapist. Ugh!

 Last week we learned that her lungs had developed to the point where she no longer needs oxygen when awake! This is a huge step forward for us. She continues to need oxygen whenever sleeping and may for many months. Her pulmonologist feels that reflux may be causing her to aspirate milk into her lungs, thus delaying the healing process. Please pray for her lungs and reflux.

Also, her physical therapist is concerned that her developmental progress is slow and asymmetrical, so has referred us to a pediatric neurologist for an assessment. The issue is whether she could have cerebral palsy. [Uncle S] and I, and most people who see her, think she’s doing just fine—but we will need to find out what the experts think. Please pray for healthy, balanced growth and development.

I had been meaning to post this sooner, so those of you who have been following her story could celebrate in how well she is doing!  But today I received another email, that changes everything.  Auntie N wrote:

This week we found out that our beloved little [Sweetness] has some serious health problems. Her eyes are doing some retracting--"sunsetting"--a sign of hydracephalus (buildup of cerebral spinal fluid in the brain). She then had a brain ultrasound which showed the extra fluid in the extra-axial areas just outside the brain rather than in it. At this point we are not sure where she falls on the hydracephalus spectrum. Traditional hydracephalus typically causes physical and/or mental disability even with a shunt inserted to the brain. On the other hand, benign external hydracephalus causes developmental delays but typically resolves itself in one or two years. Both kinds are often caused by the kind of traumatic birth she had. We know very little about her condition right now but will be seeing a pediatric neurosurgeon on September 1 at Children's Hospital in Denver.

Please pray for us.

Clearly it is even a bigger miracle than any of us realized that Sweetness has made it this far.  I wish you all knew Auntie N and Uncle S, two of the loveliest people I have ever known.  It is so sad that they lost one baby, and now to be so scared about the future of the one that seemed to be just starting to thrive. . . my heart goes out to them.  But just like that Dr. Seuss quotation said a few posts back, so much better to be thankful for having Sweetness survive at all and reach this level of robust baby health--this is a blessing.  She is a blessing.

more thoughts for today. . .

I just finally found a quotation worth replacing Mother Theresa up at the blog heading.  (Don't worry--Mother Theresa is still there, just moved to the bottom of the sidebar.) And it is a really good one for where I am right now!

Oh, and by the way, I am no longer depressed, but just tired, with a depressed immune system, and a little stressed still.  So I am still looking around me and purposefully being aware of Antidotes, and have some more to share.  : )  There's lots of good stuff going on in life, but which I don't have the brain power to write about at the moment.  So I'll just share some more of the good stuff said by folks with more wisdom and insight than I have at this moment--may they be fodder for my thoughts this week, and grow me. 

 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful.  ~Buddha


The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitudes.  ~William James


When you feel dog tired at night, it may be because you've growled all day long.  ~Author Unknown


We awaken in others the same attitude of mind we hold toward them.  ~Elbert Hubbard


I am an optimist.  It does not seem too much use being anything else.  ~Winston Churchill


The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function.  One should, for example, be able to see that things are hopeless and yet be determined to make them otherwise.  ~F. Scott Fitzgerald


Too many people miss the silver lining because they're expecting gold.  ~Maurice Setter


The world is full of cactus, but we don't have to sit on it.  ~Will Foley


A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes.  ~Hugh Downs


People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character.  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Worship," The Conduct of Life, 1860


Become a possibilitarian.  No matter how dark things seem to be or actually are, raise your sights and see possibilities - always see them, for they're always there.  ~Norman Vincent Peale


Surrounded by people who love life, you love it too; surrounded by people who don't, you don't.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966


An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered.  An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered.  ~G.K. Chesterton, "On Running After One's Hat," All Things Considered, 1908


There are souls in this world which have the gift of finding joy everywhere and of leaving it behind them when they go.  ~Frederick Faber


more such good stuff found here.

why bother writing, when it's already been said, but better?

From Storing Up Treasures:

Just like you and everyone on this earth, I have a lot of areas of my life I need to work on. Some things I am convinced I cannot change no matter how much I try. And other things no matter how much I ask God to take them from me, He doesn't. I often wonder if I am just going to struggle with these things for the rest of my life.

I have mentioned before that I am not a morning person. The issue with this is that I really need to be getting up about an hour before I am. And no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to do it. When I do finally get up, I am not nice. Okay, I am mean. Really mean. It takes me at least an hour to pull myself out of it. . . .

I let things fester. And fester. And fester. Until I become explosive. I let issues torment me until I literally become unhinged. Then, usually my husband has to listen to me as I cry and vent and cry and vent. It's like I let everything that is troubling me build up into a giant tidal wave until it gets too big to be contained. Then WHAM, it all crashes down. I melt down. I don't know why I do this. I feel like if I dealt with issues as they came up, or tried to talk out my feelings before they fester, I would be far better off in dealing with life and the things it brings.

I can't seem to live in the present. I am always looking ahead or looking back. It is dangerous to live this way. It often makes me feel like I am missing out on the things that are happening right now. I find myself wishing I could redo parts of my life. Wishing I could fast forward parts of my life. Yet, I know I can't. I can't change the past, I can't rush towards the future. It is futile. But, I somehow get stuck here all of the time.

I expect a lot from my kids. A lot. Most likely more than I should. I think sometimes I expect more than they are capable of. I expect them to be respectful, kind, helpful, compassionate, studious, giving...... I could go on and on. And while none of those expectations are wrong, I do think I could offer a lot more grace then I do at times. I think I could let go some of my expectations and be more understanding that they will not ever be all of the things I want them to be. They are kids afterall. . . .



From Welcome to My Brain:

I have had the wonderful privilege of meeting and connecting with several women this summer who are just beginning to homeschool. You want to wrap your arms around them and squeeze the nervousness right out of them. You want to send the just-enjoy-it vibes into them. One amazing mom continuously got tears in her eyes as she talked with several of us who have been doing this a really long time. She wants to relax, but she's terrified. It seemed like the more we said, "Eh ... whatever," the more she tensed up.

There is so much pressure out there. It breaks my heart. Even the "old hat" moms I know who do a set curriculum and a scheduled day, are still so very relaxed and flexible. Yet, starting out, these poor parents are feeling SO MUCH ANXIETY.

It's a perfect reflection of the expectations we have on students, yet that is coupled with how our school systems set students up to fail. Not just fail in their grades, but fail socially, mentally and emotionally. We have these amazing teachers who are doing their absolute best, but also with heavy expectations placed upon them that limit how they can truly connect in their classrooms.

My friend, Annie, recently attended a training with the therapist, Dan Hughes. In a post discussing her experience, she wrote: "Research has shown that people need a sense of safety in order to learn. One of the things shown to decrease a sense of safety is evaluation. (Kind of contrary to the atmosphere in a lot of classrooms - you think?)"

So, these parents who are starting this amazing adventure of educating their children at home, are entering it with the same sense of evaluation. When they should feel like they're running to skinny dip for the first time, they are instead experiencing fear and pressure.


from One Thankful Mom:

 I struggle with lacking joy and yet I know it is evidence of God’s grace to me and that it gives me strength — strength that I desperately need.  Today, when there is nearly no time to write, I choose to be thankful knowing that gratitude sets my mind aright and brings joy.
I love this:
… This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.  Nehemiah 8:10b
And this:
The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him. Ps. 28:7

if you have 20 minutes free today. . .

I have seen the end of this clip before, but never the whole thing, and I think the ideas are framed and fleshed out so much better when presented in their entirety. 

Some snippets:

Apparently the word "courage" comes from the Latin "cor," or "heart" and originally meant to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. 

She said, As it turns out, we can't practice compassion with other people if we can't treat ourselves kindly

. . .  

This researcher found in her studies that those who she called the "wholehearted" had the courgage to be imperfect. . . they fully embraced vulnerability, they firmly believed that what made them vulverable made them beautiful. . . .

She found we have to stop controlling and predicting, and live with vulnerability. . . the way the wholehearted live. . . .

She found that vulnerability is kinda the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears it's also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love. . . .

You can't numb those hard feelings without numbing the other . . . emotions.  You can't selectively numb.  So when we numb those, we numb joy, gratitude, happiness, and then we are miserable and we are looking for purpose and meaning, and then we feel vulnerable. . . and it becomes this dangerous cycle. . . .

Hmmmmmm.  Some really good thinking there, none of which at all applies to me recently.* 

(But all of which points to why the blogs I read and so appreciate are the ones that are REAL and embrace vulnerability--they represent a space where it is safe to be broken, where it is possible to be mended, where pain and suffering do not do not kill the spirit, but instead make it tender and ready for more hard things to safely fall upon. . . )


(If it annoys you to see a clipped video screen, I'm sorry about that--it's just the layout of this type of blog and nothing I can change at this point.  Go to this link to see where I found it in its entirety, and another blog that is feeding my spirit this week.)



*sarcasm

Antidote for Melancholy #6

Another reason why I love blogs--they can be a FORCE for good in this world!

Here I was just sharing about the story of Katerina yesterday--well, her new adoptive mom who is there visiting her in the orphanage in Bulgaria has been advocating for other children from the same place, and has already helped find eager parents for many of them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  She shared yesterday in this post about a girl who is close to death, who has been treated inhumanely for possibly her whole life, who is even older and in WORSE health than Katerina, which is hard to fathom.

Through the wonders of the internet, and the virtual communities that build up around common beliefs, this little girl's cause has been taken up by the wonderful Adeye, an adoptive mom who has a beautiful family and a blog with a large, generous readership.  I think I have pointed you to a giveaway there before--if giving small financial gifts to save the life of a desperate child makes your day a little happier, like it does mine, please follow this link to Adeye's blog and see the photos, hear the story.  Make a difference.

Be the change you want to see in the world. 

I know my readership is small--and appears to be shrinking!  But if you still come by every now and then, it must be because we share similar interests, or a similiar heart, or something about the things I write fascinate you. ; )   Please know I am so thankful for anyone who stops by here, in this little virtual home of my spirit--thank you for being so friendly!  I never expect any of you to care about all the things I care about, or do the same things I do.  But in this space of my spirit, I just have to share what I am really thinking, what is moving me.  I have to share the possiblities for you and I to be a tiny part of making the world just a little more right, just a little more beautiful.  

Antidote for Melancholy #5

I love blogs.

Yes, I know, I've said it before.  You've figured this out about me.  But when I was moaning in the throes of self-pity last week and complained my blogs were letting me down--what I meant was that the blogs I read not only provide moments of escapism, which any mom needs, and enrich and entertain and grow and challenge me, which we all need, but they also give me Perspective.  And when one is wallowing in self-absorbtion/pity, Perspective with that capital P is exactly what one needs. 

This week, more of my favorite blog writers got back to it, and I discovered some new blogs, and I am so much better for it.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Julie has been posting faithfully about how Elijah is progressing with his bone marrow transplant, and to see that sweet happy face transformed by pain and weariness. . .

Oh, poor baby.  Knowing of this family's very hard situation right now helps me see my "troubles" in a much healthier light.  And of course the BEST antidote for melancholy is DOING something for someone other than yourself--and thanks to Dorothy, who is helping Julie's family through this hard time (while she herself has been moving her large brood to a new house and preparing to begin their homeschool year! Talk about giving me perspective!) I could send a card and love gift to Julie.  Such a little thing on my end, but anything we do to spread love in the world has a ripple effect, certainly not least in our own hearts.  (If your heart is similarly moved, let me know and I will hook you up!)  And at the very least, his precious face looking at me each day was an excellent reminder of the need to be lifting one another up in prayer.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Then, remember the story of Vanya (now Ian)?

His family just celebrated his "gotcha day"!  They will be coming back to the States as soon as they finish the necessary paperwork.  Whoo-hoo!

I have loved following along with their story--such beauty and grace and holiness in it, as in many of the orphan stories I am following these days.  One of the few things that is guaranteed to lift my spirits any day.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Then I just last night came upon a new blog, about a large family who felt God leading them to international adoption of a special needs child.  A child who desperately needs a family NOW.  I am not going to cut and paste the photos of Katarina, because I don't think the tone of this post frames them appropriately--instead, I am going to send you to the blog that led me to their story.  Please go read it, and you will know why I am sending you there.  

Look at the little girl in that crib.  Understand that she is nine years old.  Her condition is not due to any physical reason--just pure insitutional neglect.

A friend of mine and I were just recently chatting and somehow the topic of international adoption came up.  She made a comment that I think reflects how a lot of Americans think about it: she said, essentially, that it does not make sense for people to spend all the necessary money on international adoptions when there are so many kids here in the States in foster care waiting for forever families.  On first thought, that makes so much sense.  I used to think that way too--it just makes sense to take care of the kids here in our own country before spending all the time and effort and resources to take care of the kids in other countries.  I'll share what changed my mind in another post someday. . . but if you read the story behind the link above, you will find yourself face to face with undeniable need for international adoption.

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And then, another new blog I discovered last week when I was hoping for new stories to distract me from the wallowing in self, which now appears on my sidebar. 

This is Levi.

The woman on the right in this photo is Levi's biological mother.  The woman on the left is Levi's adoptive birth mother. 

Let that sink in for a moment.

Just when I thought I knew so much about adoption, I was introduced by this blog to the whole world of embryo adoptions.  Holy moly!!!!  I guess I had heard such things were starting to happen--there has been rising awareness of the ethics of destroying viable frozen embryos left over from in-vitro fertilization procedures, esp. now that many of the embryos have been frozen for ten years or so and nobody knows how long they can be safely stored--but I had never thought about the implications.  But some of the biological parents of the embryos are having qualms about destroying the little lives-that-would-be that they created, and are actually putting the embryos up for legal adoption.  And so there are couples--I assume those who believe that life begins at conception, since I don't know why anyone else would go this route--who are legally adopting the embryos, and committing to growing them in their own wombs and giving them a family.   Woah.

The fuller implications of this hit me when I saw these photos.

From what I understand, Levi's bio mother and bio father used in-vitreo methods to sucessfully have two children--but then the father died several years ago.  I assume Levi's bio mom was understandably loathe to destroy the embryos--the babies--she and her husband had hoped to have together, and so put them up for adoption.  The Hintz family adopted them, and has so far had one viable pregnancy from the adopted embryos: Levi. 

Can you imagine the love and grace represented in the above picture?  One mom who is holding her own biological child, the product of her own genes, the evidence of her and her husband's love and desire, the most likely very painful reminder of her deceased husband and their hopes for their family. . . .  If it were me, I confess I would be thinking, with a heart full of jealousy, This is MY baby.  He belongs to me and my husband. I WANT him. I want them both back.  Maybe she was thinking that a little too.  But clearly her sense of responsibility and care for her unborn children was greater than her own desires, and since she could not carry and rear them herself, she gave them to parents who could. 

The other mom, opening up her home, gladly sharing her child with the mother who wanted him, helped create him, but could not have him.  Not feeling threatened, but wanting Levi's bio mother to see him, hold him, breathe him in, take photos of him with her other children, his older siblings.  In a sense, giving him back.

The beauty, and the pain of it takes my breath away.  


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These, my friends, my sisters, my readers, are some of the amazing things going on in the world around us right now.  Good things, bad things, hard things, joyful things.  The greater the hard stuff, the bad stuff, the more clearly we see the Love that is greater yet.

another one for my fridge

Antidote for Melancholy #4

I have been making steel cut oats recently instead of quick oats because I have heard they are better for you--and they are certainly better tasting, with a wonderful texture.  But they take FOREVER on the stovetop, at least for me and the quantity I am making.  So I finally tried making them in the crockpot overnight, the weekend my in-laws were here.  Perfect!  At least that time I made them; last night when I tried again they must have cooked too long, so some stuck to the sides of the crock.  So the key appears to be you should not cook them all night long, even on low--the first time they turned out so great I started them cooking in the late evening, and then tested them when I got up to use the restroom at 3 in the morning.  (Not as big a deal in my house as it might be in yours--keep in mind I pass through the kitchen going from the "bedroom" to the bathroom.) They were done, so I just unplugged the crockpot and left them there on the counter.  In the morning, I plugged it back in for an hour, the oats all warmed back up nicely, and they ended up just right.   Last night I was so tired I did not wake up in the night, and so this morning the oats were overcooked at the very sides, but of course still perfectly yummy everywhere else in the pot.  So, I need to tweak this and try adding more water or setting the alarm or something--totally worth the minimal effort to have a warm, yummy, hearty breakfast waiting for me when I get up on Sunday mornings!

Hot steel cut oats.

Chocolate chips (semi-sweet of course).

Milk.

It is impossible not to smile when facing a breakfast like this.

I feel like I have to explain that NORMALLY we would put fruit and/or granola on our oats, like normal people.  But I am trying to use up a bag of chocolate chips and I felt like doing it.  And, seriously, this is really yummy.  Esp. with the morning tea.  Only thing I can think that would make it better would be ripe bananas cut up and mixed in with the melted chocolate chips.  Kinda like a banana boat from Girl Scout campfires. . . mmmmmmmmm.

Antidote for Melancholy #1.5

This actually happened last Friday night, and I intended to post it Saturday morning, and totally forgot. 

Yeah, it was a really busy Saturday, but that also shows you how my brain functions--or too often doesn't.

But it was pretty ironic that after such a crabby, sulky and sucky week (them and me), that my children would respond with this, while they were setting the table for dinner:

You would think God was trying to tell me something.

(I'll write about this week once I get the chance--I am totally on-mommy all the time these days, and it means I don't get the thought-space for real blogging--but it is still hard, but the fruits of my perseverence are showing. . . )

Antidote for Melancholy #3

Oh, boy--did I just follow the most fun, heart-lifting train of videos on youtube.

All '80's.

All favorites from jr.high/high school/college.

Oh, yeah.

(And once again, CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED)

But if you are in the mood for some good tunes, please come along! 

It started when I saw that Tears for Fears is coming to perform at a semi-local venue, and I clicked on a link in the email announcement and found myself at the blog of Curt Smith, one of the co-founders. ('80's pop stars blog--who knew?)  Learned he is now a naturalized US citizen (originally from Britian, for those of you who did not pay attention to the '80's) and lives with his wife and two young daughters and two dogs somewhere up here in Northern California.  Somehow I really enjoyed thinking of this guy I used to listen to over and over again through the headphones of my Walkman living a life so similar to that of me and my friends where we are now in life. :  )

ANYWAY of course that got me in the mood for some Tears for Fears;  hence, Everybody Wants to Rule the World.  Of course, while I listened, my eyes were drawn from the video to the "Suggested" videos listed to the side. . . DH can attest I gasped aloud at some of the goodies featured there. . . I started watching one, and then another, since for every excellent video there were several equally totally awesome videos suggested. . .

Something About You -- Level 42 (this is the video that popped up--for some of these I couldn't find the official video for some reason, but that's ok, since it's the music that made me smile tonight), which naturally led to Lessons in Love -- also Level 42.

Then that led to Don't Dream It's Over -- Crowded House.  Don't know why, but I LOVE THIS SONG.  I had this album (ok, cassette tape) and played it over and over and over.  Years later, while in college, I got to see Crowded House in concert at WOMAD (World of Music and Dance) (along with Peter Gabriel, Sinead O' Connor, Lenny Kravitz, and I can't remember who else) I think somewhere around Indianappolis.  When Crowded House played, I had worked my way to the front row, right in front of the bassist, Nick Seymour, and during "When You Come" while I was singing along in raptures--a very young woman in a long black tank dress with an India printed fushia silk scarf wrapped around her hair--he kept looking at me with huge grins.  Later that night I actually got to meet and chat for a moment with Mr. Seymour, among the various booths of arts and cool things to purchase there at the concert.  Right before I was accused of shoplifting a ring from the jewelry vendor next to where we were standing.  Oh, how that appalled and humiliated me.  So another strong memory from that night is walking, bawling, back to rejoin my friends on the lawn while in the dark skies around me Peter Gabriel sang "Salsbury Hill."  And a random vendor leaned out from his booth to call to me, gently, "Hey, is it so bad? C'mon, girl, give a smile." 

And finding that song just now led me to another favorite favorite Gabriel song, "In Your Eyes."  Which, listening to now, I remember played there at the concert just after I had been reunited with my friends.  It is a song of romance, but I have always sung it like a prayer, perhaps never more than that night:  ". . . I look to eternity to keep me awake and alive. . . And all my instincts they return, and the grand facade* so soon will burn.  Without a noise, without my pride, I reach out from the inside. . . in Your eyes I am complete. . . in Your eyes I see the doorway to a thousand churches. . . in your the resolution of all the fruitless searches. . . oh I wanna be that complete. . . "

And then I wanted to look up another favorite, beautiful, uplifting song I remember from the concert and throughout college, Don't Give Up -- Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush (Sinead sang her part at WOMAD--oh, so cool). . . "Don't give up, 'cause you have friends.  Don't give up, you're not beaten yet. Don't give up, I know you can make it good. . . .Rest your head, you worry too much.  It's gonna be alright.  When times get rough you can fall back on us. Don't give up. Please don't give up."

And that video led me to another totally great classic, "I Want To Know What Love Is," -- Foreigner.  "In my life, there's been heartache and pain.  I don't know if I can face it again. . . ."

You see how easily the youtube '80's train is begun and how hard it is broken. 

ANYWAY the final video in the train tonight was another uplifting classic, Broken Wings -- Mr. Mister. "Baby, I think tonight we can take what was wrong and make it right. . . Baby, it's all I know that you're half of the flesh and blood that makes me whole, I need you so. So take these broken wings and learn to fly again, learn to live so free.  And when we hear the voices sing, the Book of Love will open up for us and let us in. . . "

So many good songs.  So many positive feelings in them.  So many memories. 

Feelin' pretty happy all of a sudden.  ; )



*Yes, I know it is Versailles not facade, but facade is what I heard in high school, and that's what I sang to God

being real, Pt. 1

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

— Margery Williams Bianco (The Velveteen Rabbit)

Antidote to Melancholy #2

Once again, the blogs on my sidebar deliver just what I needed to hear, and apply:

Thanks, Christine.

Antidote for Melancholy #1

This afternoon the girls got all their work done just after lunch, which was great because my friend Sara was bringing by her five kids while she ran to an appointment.  (When she got back, she said to me, "I can't believe you just watched nine kids."  I hadn't thought about it beforehand, but Ack!  Glad I didn't know. ; )

Anyway, her 3 month old baby was just so cute.  Definitely a  bright spot to the day.  And getting to hang out with Sara for a little bit when she got back was also just what the Good Physician ordered. 

the one in which i wallow BIG TIME

CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED.


Well, you see, the defeated spirit I was feeling after this weekend has only grown this week--at the moment I am downright depressed.

Bascially, I think it stems from a few things:

a) the expected feelings of let-down after such an amazing month of family (and spousal) fun--you know, the post-vacation blues

b) my feelings of discouragement with myself and our relationship with DH's parents after the weekend (and the fact that I am feeling like we are back to pretending with them that everything is hunkey-dorey when it is so much healthier and more freeing to just admit we all got issues and move forward)

c) a very looooooooooooooooooooooong week of uber-firm parenting/teaching in which I feel like every. single. good. thing. my children did this week (accomplishing school work, getting back into their routines, completing a chore, etc.) happened solely by the force of my will. They have fought the return to regular house rules and fought doing their school and fought the natural consequences when they don't choose wisely. In setting this week up as the start of school again, and the return to normal home life, I have had to be vigilant every moment of the day to keep them on track and help them stay aware of their choices, not getting my housework done because I have to be available for them every moment to help guide them into the right choices, not getting to see any friends because the girls have not earned playdates, not even getting my usual down-time because of trying as much as I can to help them accomplish their school goals for the day. . . .

d) Did I mention not having any girlfriend time? I am very lonely this week, so discouraged in the whole homeschool thing, knowing I am doing the right, necessary thing but feeling like I am all alone without support. . . . My girlfriends either don't homeschool, or don't know what kind of a week we are having, or have different homeschool styles so that they probably wouldn't understand why I think I need to be cracking down like this to get us all back on track. (I just know it is right and necessary, and that's all I can explain.)

e) DH and I also have different approaches to homeschooling, which is a bummer when I am working so hard this week, expending so much energy and time and self into the kids and what they need and then feeling criticized and not supported when my husband comes home. He has been very nice in his criticism and I know does not mean to wound me, and I have not told him how I am struggling this week but that's because I don't think he would understand even if I did--this is just one of those times where spouses sometimes don't "get" one another easily, and don't know how to give the other what he/she needs. I know my husband loves me and wants me to be happy, so I'm not upset at DH or my marriage about this, but it is leaving me just a little more lonely and blue this week.

f) even parenting Smiley has been harder this week, since we started swimming lessons for these last two weeks of summer and of course they are right in the middle of naptime. . . and with his sisters spending all morning on schoolwork, he is bored and demanding attention from me and acting out to get attention from us all. . . . and today in particular he is melting down over the least little things, and at this moment exactly is having a raging temper tantrum because it was time to use the potty. . . .

g) even my blogs are letting me down. Seems like everybody is busy with life, and so not very many updates this week, so one of my few daily pleasures is gone. But even then, when I read the few blogs that have been updated they just make me feel all the more lonely and disconnected.

(yeah, I warned you--wallowing in it BIG TIME ; )

So, that's it. I think I reached the pinnacle of self-pity last night when at dinnertime I had one child on the potty, two children at the table, one child trying to finish her schoolwork, and I burned the last of the fresh green beans (which I LOVE) because of trying to run around helping everyone at once. And then a few minutes later while trying to mix dinner and schoolbooks I accidentally knocked a plate off the table and broke it--one of my favorite plates.

Waaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!

[Have any of you seen the Veggie Tales cartoon called "The Toy That Saved Christmas"? One of their best. But at the beginning of the video, there is a moment when the little veggie children in the village are running around the town square crying and whining because they want a Buzz-saw Louie for Christmas. Whenever someone is fussing around here, that's where my mind goes, and I do my best whiny baby pea impersonation, "Waaaaaaah, Buzz-saw Louieeeeeeee!" Ironically, Smiley just yesterday started doing that on his own, and now when he does not get what he wants, he says, "Waaaaaaaah." Kinda cute.]

So, this morning I am tired and cranky and discouraged and negative.

I know this is not good. But I am going to allow myself to be in this place for a little bit today. I am not taking it out on the kids, I am not neglecting my husband. It almost feels like this pity-party is a self-defense mechanism--that at least somebody cares about me, and the way I am feeling, even if it is just me, you know? But I also am completely logical in my depression--always have been, which is a huge blessing--and so know wallowing in self-pity will not actually help me feel any better about anything, and will not get me back on the course to right thinking. So, I promise that this is the only depressed post I will write--that after this I will focus on writing about the good and positive things, not just for you, but for me. : )

Even in my extremely blue state I can look around and be proud of my girls and what they have accomplished this week, have pity for my little boy who is unexpectedly fragile today (like his mother), have patience for my young ones learning hard life lessons, enjoy my children for their unique selves, be aware of how minute my complaints are compared to so many other families this week, be thankful for all the blessings at the root of my complaints--that I have four healthy kids, that I am being allowed to homeschool, that my kids are neuro-typical and should be able to actually learn these hard lessons--and know that while I may be feeling lonely I am by no means alone. I have been so blessed with so many positive, supporting relationships, and when none of those can help me--like at this moment--I am still held firmly in the hand of my loving Lord God.

So, tomorrow, back to positive blogging.

Today, it is okay to be blue.



P.S. If there was ever a post begging for comments it is this one. ; ) No, actually, I am not asking for loving words (I am fine, really) or advice on parenting or homeschooling (please, not)--but if anyone just wants to say "hi" I would love it! : )

much needed encouragement from Life in the Grateful House

Sometimes I step back and look at the strange predominance of adoption blogs/parenting trauma blogs on my sidebar and am amazed that such a focus of my daily "pleasure/escape" reading is on such serious stuff, which does not seem immediately to be relevant to the rest of my blog, my life.  My kids are all born of my body, have no unusual physical or emotional or sensory or medical or bonding issues.  And yet, as I have mentioned before, the parenting/marriage/life wisdom I find in these blogs is often not only relevant for my life, but even sometimes vital.  Sometimes one of these blogs will share something that just about knocks me out of my chair, that I desperately need to hear, to learn, to do.

So Monday, when I was still processing about the weekend and why I was so discouraged by it (by my own perceived failures), I read a new post from one of the blogs on my sidebar, Life in the Grateful House.  This beautiful post was about one mom's choice to articulate family values for her and her daughter, which they keep on the fridge for all to see.  Putting the list on the fridge not only helps people see and remember these values, and hopefully put them into practice, but also makes a more subtle statement in my mind--there will always be a fridge, and it is virtually unmovable, just like those values.  They are not optional, they are foundational. 

And they are exactly what I needed to hear Monday.  I needed to remember that there are values that we are attempting to live by as a family that are from a source bigger than us.  It is not ok to mess with them--they are not optional.  I should not expect others to live by them, but I do not have to back down from living them--or let my kids off the hook for living them--just because they will be sometimes unpopular.  

And you know, I think that was part of the unconscious decision to write that first email--to remind MIL that she and FIL are always welcome here, but to be prepared for spending their time here joining in our family's values, which try to live out Love and Peace and Joy and honoring God. (In other words, shrug off your worldly cares, all ye who enter here, and welcome!  Please let our Servant take your baggage at the door. ; )

The values on the below list are excellent ones.  I will have to think if there are some more specific to our family that I would want to use in addition to/instead of these on the list.  But in the meantime, with the author Lisa's blessing, I just think I might write these out for our fridge!


May I always remember:


To keep my side of the street clean.

Kindness rather than anger.

To be considerate of others.

There are lessons to be learned from everyone, even if it's "how not to be."

To stand for myself but not against my fellows.

To learn to say, "you might be right." Even if I don't agree because everyone has their own truths.

That I don't have to accept every invitation to a fight.

To keep an open mind and to not let the steel doors of my mind slam shut before I have considered all aspects of a situation.

It's possible to agree to disagree.

Being mean is never OK.

People that act very angry are usually coming from fear and insecurity. See the person. . . not the behavior.

To those who much is given, much is expected.

To be accepting of all others. Wherever they stand.

Be willing to look in the mirror and admit when I am wrong.

Just because someone calls me a chair does not, in fact, make me a chair.

Peace and love is grown in our hearts and we take it out to the world.

Give what you want to receive. Peace, love, security, kindness, forgiveness, acceptance, faith, hope. Especially when you perceive that someone has hurt you.

Enjoy the journey.

Progress not perfection.

Be grateful.

how the weekend went

Thank you for the kind, encouraging, and helpful words you left me on my last post, and I'm sorry I have not have a chance to respond.  But I appreciate them immensely! So the weekend--the overnight, really--was okay.  Some negative things were said, but actually MIL showed remarkable restraint, which I appreciated, esp. since the last email made me expect the opposite.  In fact, I had figured MIL would bring up the email exchange at some point and want to continue it verbally, and was ready with what I thought would be an honest but disarming response:  to gently explain, with a smile, that we were just really tired and were asking her to be extra patient with us all that weekend.

Because that is the truth--as a family, it seems like we frustrate and bewilder and appall and embarass MIL a lot, so for her to override her normal instincts to point out all of our flaws in the hopes of correcting them surely takes an incredible amount of patience and self-control.  Sometimes we just make it too hard for her.  (We wear unusual swimsuits, and I give the kids whole milk, and we homeschool, and the kids and I all wear sunhats, and DH and I tell the kids being different from everybody else is good, and I am trying to reduce our consumption of plastic, and we are actually happy in our dinky dump of a house and don't feel like anyone has to spend every waking free moment working to improve it. . . etc.) But this weekend, despite the inital negative exchange, MIL did a great job overlooking our flaws, for which I am thankful.

Oh, and I am sure some of you wondered if I was the one who had opened the can of worms to begin with, with my mention of "hot topics" in the first email. I thought about the same thing before I wrote the email, but had such dread that I felt like I needed to do it anyway.  Also, it is pretty silly at this point to pretend that our past interactions have been all sunshine and rainbows--better to be gently honest with one another.  In fact, all the pretending and overlooking we did in the past in the name of peace/respect for elders was really just enabling, and a few years back God showed me that our overly passive role in the continual interpersonal struggle was also sin.  It was not loving or honoring anyone. Finally, years ago, when things did eventually reach a breaking point, I decided to be much more honest and clear in my interactions with my in-laws, and THAT was the point at which our relationship finally started to heal.  I won't try to explain it all here, but trust me that I have learned that while holding one's tongue is a holy art, sometimes speaking truth in love to MIL is respectful, is honoring.  It is like extending a hand of sisterhood, that assumes she and I can speak with openness and vulnerability, that suggests we are both mature enough and strong enough in our relationship to handle it. 

Nobody ever broached the topic of the email this weekend, so that was fine--never had to go there.  And like I said, MIL was overlooking a lot of our usual homelife things that were probably at the very least annoying or even have been easily infuriating--I'll consider that a success.  But it still was not a comfortable weekend.  I mentioned in my last post that my friend Alberta gave me some good advice--I'm not doing her beautiful explanation justice, but it was basically if things start to get too negative, to turn a sincere, warm, grace-filled smile to MIL, instead of responding wtih words, which would help diffuse the tension but not contribute to the continuing verbal downslide.  While this does happen sometimes naturally, when God is really there with me, filling me with peace, I have never tried to make that a positive strategy. I tried to put this idea into practice, but I am afraid I never could get more than a pleasant expression going--it was hard enough to get my face to look that much relaxed, since my natural reflex when confronted with hostility is less "grace-filled smile" and more "deer in the headlights."  I was fretting a little bit about that while getting ready for bed Sat. night--feeling like I had failed my goal of loving on MIL, since I started out the afternoon genuinely warm and friendly and engaging but by the end of the night had retreated into politeness.  (It just wears me down when every. little. thing. I say is instantly met with disagreement or criticism--how can you keep on initiating a good interpersonal exchange when everything you say is responded to with negativism?  After a little while it seems more loving, more peace-making, to just shut up and politely nod.)  But then it was like a little voice whispered in my head that maybe that was what love was going to look like that night--that my politeness had been good enough.

I hope that was the Holy Spirit and not my own defeated spirit talking.  Still not sure. 

But anyway, it was not a bad weekend, but it was not a good one either.  I do feel badly about that--maybe I did set up the visit to be tense.  And I also completely failed in surrendering to the Spirit--I was too focused all weekend on just acting naturally/positively and what to say or not say, which means I was focused on me and MIL and not on God.  I.e. focused on the problem and not the solution.  And then I also acted too much this past weekend out of fear--such as being aware of using my children as a kind of living shield, keeping them around whenever I was with MIL in case their presence could thwart negative words.  Was that fear or wisdom?  Not sure.  Same with that initial email I sent--was it written out of fear or discernment?  Still not sure.  The fact that I can't tell if I was being controlled by fear or not bothers me--or maybe I am bothered because it was fear.  Either way, I am trusting God will eventually give me some further insight on this.

So, enough already with the analysis.  Sadly, the visit was too short for MIL and I to get comfortable with one another and do each other any good.  Gladly, the visit was too short for any little annoyances to flare up into a blow. 

There is more I want to say, so I might try to write about this again later.  (Yesterday I just did not have a chance--we officially started up our homeschooling again, and the kids are struggling to readjust to the expectations of daily work, another thing I might have to write about later.)  But I want to leave you all with my sincere appreciation for caring, for reading, for commenting, for praying.  xo