if mama ain't happy. . .

Ain't that the truth?

I have known this for years, but since summer I have really started to notice how much my words and tone of voice and responses affect our whole homelife. I learned years ago that whenever I started hearing the girls using snippy voices with each other, then I needed to listen to how I was using my own voice around the house. Monkey see, monkey do, right? ; ) But what I have been noticing is more than just my children emulating me. Recently I have become aware of how other people's responses to the girls seems to directly correlate to my own--other people take their cue from me.

For example, I used to admire how my husband could be so patient with the kids, esp. at the end of the day when I was done and he could waltz in from his commute home and help the kids do their final bedtime tasks, listen to them talk and talk and talk while he changed into his casual clothes, even get engaged in some discussion of the origin of everything, or whatever. According to him, they ask the most brilliant things while they are in bed but have not yet officially said good night. So they all talk for a long time some nights. I must say they are brilliant--getting all profound and cute so Daddy lets them stay up late and gives them his full attention. So awesome that they have that sweet daddy/daughter time. I, on the other hand, have been listening to them talk all day and my ears are by then completely full, and I have a baby who needs to be nursed and put down and I am not falling for that trick, no matter how cute or profound.

But I started to notice, back in those three horrible weeks I have already written about, that when he came home and I was done with the children and had succumbed to yelling or even just being snappish, he would not be the rescuer I was waiting for, but would be snappish himself, and most definitely not patient.

I would be surprised, and would think to myself, "Hey, that's not fair! I have been dealing with kids all day, and am just now starting to lose my cool--you can't just walk in and lose your cool in your first five minutes of parenting!"

Ok, ok, I realize this sounds like it is all about me. Ok, it is, but not in the way you are thinking. ; ) I completely acknowledge that my husband is certainly not expected to be a saint and have endless resources of patience and rescue me from my own life work. Well, not every day. And I am very aware that he too has a right to come home not in the best frame of mind and not have to be perfect. And that he sometimes has stressful days at work. And just like I can dream of being rescued, he can fanticize about coming home and finding his wife calm, showered and in the mood; his children clean, fed and sweetly in bed; his home a sanctuary from stress. Much, I imagine, like this:



But life is just not always like that, is it? So when D would come home and find me cranky with the kids and start in being cranky with the kids too, it first surprised me, then concerned me. One one hand, it is nice to feel supported and not condemmed for my frame of mind at that moment. On the other hand, it makes me feel a greater weight of responsibility for my words, tone of voice, attitude. I am not just capable of influencing my children's responses to one another, but also my husband's. Ugh.

And it is not just my husband! I noticed on our long road trip with my parents this past summer the same thing happening with them. The kids during our two week drive back from IL were overall REALLY GOOD KIDS. I just want to make that clear--REALLY, REALLY GOOD. Just plain awesome roadtrippers. But they are still kids, and still siblings, and so would still occassionally fight, mouth off, etc. So by the end of the day, I would sometimes be tired and short tempered--especially when we would stop for dinner at a restaurant, where you have higher expectations for the behavior of your children anyway. And I noticed that my parents would adopt a slight frown to their voices--not being harsh or negative in the least, but using that slightly grim "We're watching you, now" tone that indirectly tells the child you are expecting them to be bad. Even if the kids were BEING GOOD, all the adults were politely stern, as if that would keep them behaving well!

Ok, it is a little funny to look back on, but more sad for me. Because I know my parents, like D in the above example, were trying to be supportive of me, and were taking cues from me about how to interpret the situation and respond appropriately. They saw me tired and tense and were trying to a) step up and help give me a break from parenting solo, and b) keep the kids "good" because they interpreted my testiness as a sign that my kids were not being "good" and that I cared about them being "good."

I hope this makes sense. Mom and dad, you were great, and I am truly thankful for everything you did for me and the kids on that trip, and would do it again in a heartbeat. : ) You did nothing wrong--in fact, you were trying to be as helpful as possible, which is all I could ever ask for! But those moments were really good for me to see--it was like getting a glimpse of my own parenting skills (or lack thereof) from an outside perspective.

Having the lesson then affirmed in my home with my husband cinched it. The need is apparent: using the language of my whole body to reflect my spirit to build up my family, my home. Hmmmmm, now that I type that I am ashamed to say I had not previously thought of how this is another interpretation of one of the Proverbs most meaningful to me: The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down--Proverbs 14:1.

I am not a person who has read the Bible a bunch of times and can rattle off pertinent Scripture verses at the snap of a finger. I would like to know more, and will slowly but surely keep working on that journey too. But the few bits of Scripture that stick with me are those that seem to keep popping up when I do study, and seem to always speak to me in a new way. So they are probably the very ideas I most need to hear.

Here is another one, which is so relevant, and which comes to mind sometimes when I ain't happy: "Let your gentleness be evident to all--the Lord is near."* It becomes like a mantra for that moment: let my gentleness be evident to all. let my gentleness be evident to all.

So, dear readers, what do YOU do when you feel your best parenting efforts beginning to crumble and you need an instant dose of perspective? Please share your own in the comments--I would love to hear them. (Classroom experience counts too!)

Wishing all of you a week of happy parenting!

*Philippians 4:5. That chapter goes on to say:
". . . whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

image from tumbleweedpottery.com--i might need a plaque like this to keep me reminded of this lesson on a daily basis!