Checking things off the Big List!

As happens all too often, I started writing this post on Monday. . . and now here it is Weds Thurs. . . but the good news about that is that I have not had a chance to blog about the stuff I need to do because I have actually been doing stuff!

Well, that and watching Antiques Roadshow on Netflix Instant.  (If that's not a sign of latent, desperate clinging to unproductiveness then I don't know what is.)

But still, YAY! 

I still want to share my list, and hope you will share your plans--and accomplishments!--with me too. 

But I also want to share some more stories with you all.  Because so many of the items on my latest To-Do List represent so much more meaning or emotion than the simple words could ever convey.  Some of the things on my list are/have been a very big deal to me in some way, and it feels like doing them and crossing them off will be a huge accomplishment.  Part of the fun in accomplishing will be sharing the stories with you!

For example, one of the things I just today crossed off my list was "buy bed."  Those words are so innocent--but they represent a full year of dreaming, and several months now of serious research, imagining, planning, sketching.  You see, I think we have finally decided on what kind of bunks we will be making for the kids' bedroom.  I say we, but really I mean my Dear Husband.  As some of you know by now, I am an ideas person, so I can really have fun trying to creatively solve a logistical problem set before me.  That has been the case with these bunks.  Here were the starting parameters for the beds:

--The beds have to take up as little room as possible in what is officially considered a "half-bedroom."  The size of a nice walk-in closet. This is why we could not just go buy some bunk beds and call it a day. No, these babies were destined to be custom-built from the start.
--There should be four separate sleeping spaces.
--The design has to be something we can do ourselves, with our fairly basic abilities.
--It has to be something made with materials that are easy to work with, and readily available.
--It can't be too expensive to make.
--Both DH and I have to like the plan.
--And of course, I want them to look great--and even cool. : )  Esp. I wanted them to lend some kind of vintage feel to the room, and work well with the other vintage things we have in there.

That does not sound too hard, right?

But those of you who know me, and my Dear Husband, are already rolling your eyes and chuckling.  (Susan, I'm looking at you.)  You see, we were starting from nothing.  No materials in mind, no overall look--which started out really exciting (oh, the possibilities!  We're doing this from scratch, so we can do anything we can dream up!).  But starting with nothing in mind meant I felt like I had to think through ALL the possibilities, so I make sure to pick the best one.  That was really fun at first, just going nuts imaging so many wondering possibilities, but it quickly became so frustrating for me, because my DH can't see all the Pin-worthy ideas in my head, and so it was hard to get him to see my visions, and even harder to sell him on one.  He does not outright trust my instincts and excitement on home projects, which is overall good, so I don't run with the first idea that gets me going and we together make sure it's a good idea before we invest in it--but also means I have to do a lot of work to plan an idea just to present it to him, but then if he does not like it I'm back to the drawing board.  So I have spent this whole summer gathering ideas, working through logistics, presenting the ideas to him, waiting while he processes the ideas (can take weeks), and then finally realizing he does not like the ideas, and having to start all over with new ideas.

I confess to at least one moment of despair.  But I just focused on the end goal--the beds for our kids, which they need.  Like, last year. And so I persevered and DH and I were really good about listening to the other, trying to find the things we both liked and agreed upon, etc.  The design phase has taken much more time and effort than I would have expected, but we have been good partners throughout, and I think that is ultimately more important. 

And finally. FINALLY. I think we have a starting point for our design.

During the annual Week Without Children, DH and I took advantage of our freedom to visit local salvage lots and antique stores getting ideas.  And while at one local antique store that specializes in reclaimed antique furniture and salvaged decorative house parts (Crawford's Antiques, for my local friends), I saw the bedrails from an antique rope bed.  And fell immediately in love.

This is not that same bed, but just one on eBay I found a picture of so I could show you some idea of what I'm talking about.  The long bedrails that first caught my eye look just like the 4"x4" piece with the wooden knobs running along the bottom of that headboard, but are the long pieces that would make the sides of the bed.  Immediately I starting designing in my head bunks that would use these antique bed rails. . .

And then upon inquiry, we found out the rails were part of an old wooden bed from possibly the early 1800's, from Pennsylvania.  Roughly similar to the one in the above photo, but with a much plainer headboard.  So cool.  But there went my idea, since it would be sacrilegious to cut down an antique bed to make bunk beds from it.

Or. . . not. . . ?

The next day or so, I just could not get the idea out of my head.  If we used an antique bed for our starting materials for the bunks, we would have lovely carved wooden bits to lend a wonderful vintage feel to the project, which is one thing I wanted.  And the bed the rails belong to was languishing in unlove in the "half-price" room of the antique store.  The bed itself is nifty--I love to imagine the hands that crafted such things--but not that pretty.  It was $150.  And still, nobody wanted it.  From all my Antiques Roadshow viewing recently, I can say with authority that old and really neat do not automatically mean valuable.  Also, pieces that don't fit modern ways of living don't tend to be valuable--this bed we liked was a rope bed, and a 3/4 size at that, which means nobody could use it as-is.  Most likely whoever bought it would discard those beautiful side rails and just use the headboard and footboard with a modern twin metal bedframe.  So, to be used and appreciated, somebody was probably going to have to alter it from its original state.  Why is it worse to modify it heavily than modify it a little?  The end is the same--an old bed no longer in its original state, which makes it less valuable.  But yet, it is only as valuable as it is useful!  And I figure it is more of a waste for this bed to stay intact but remain disused and unappreciated than for us to buy it and hack it apart and turn it into something that will hopefully be used for years and years.  (And might even end up a fond heirloom of its own in our family!)

I hope I reassured you of the rational thought behind this idea, and no one is upset at my initial premise.  Because either DH caught the vision, or he decided to make me happy--whatever happened, this past weekend he agreed to the idea.  Yipee!

And today I went and bought the bed!  And having bought the bed, the official process of building the beds has begun!

Now, of course that is just the first step--but I really do believe it was the hardest.  Now we have to take the bed apart and measure and figure out how to make the pieces do what I hope they will do.  But DH has the tools and ability to work with wood, and we can just go buy wood pieces to fill in all the extras we would need, which is not that expensive.  We can do it.  I'm so excited!

Another thing on the list I also need to do ASAP--research windows.  Because I am trying to convince DH that we need to put in two new windows there on the wall in the bedroom, so that a) the kids will have emergency egress from each level of bunks, and b) the bottom bunks have natural light.  He is really loathe to do it, because of all the permit mess I explained in a previous post.  But it seems like one of those things in which the benefits will greatly outweigh the negatives, so I am hoping to convince him.  But once again, I have to do a lot of research and planning and vision casting, and we'll see. . . .

So, I'll let you know as things progress.  But for now, here is the

Big List of Things I'm Getting Done:

This past weekend I:
--bought new fabric, trim, padding and tacks for re-upholstering bench in living room
--researched and ordered tool for finishing re-upholstery job on bench
--ordered Smiley's b-day gift
--set date for Happy's birthday adventure (pottery painting with her friend Mini-Rosa--thanks to my Mother for the gift certificate!)
--finished organizing large storage items under house
--reorganized book/homeschool storage under house
--went to hardware store for chalkboard paint

This week so far I have:
--cleaned items to donate to pregnancy resource center for auction, and delivered them
--made Target run to buy a couple more plastic bins for books/magazines
--bought thread needed to mend things in overflowing mending bag
--started getting classes and events on the calendar for Fall
--watched documentary for discussion (another story behind this one--more on this later!)
--bought bed (!!!)

Still need/hope to:
--research housing code for new windows with emergency egress
--research possible windows
--get other necessary materials to finish bench
--take out all excess staples on bench so it is ready for fixing & upholstery
--sort and organize homeschool cupboard
--finish organizing homeschool/books to be stored in bins under house
--prepare last boxes of plums for freezing
--clean all the sorted bins off of deck and get organized back under house
--finish putting new bedding plants into garden

Know I won't get to this week, but will soon need to:
--list and deliver more freecycle
--order bottom sheet for box springs
--put new coat of paint on school chalkboards
--figure out best way to contact friend in England for long-overdue catch-up
--find ukulele teacher for Happy for this year
--plan Sunny's pioneer birthday adventure
--make pie with Sunny from the berries she collected from the backyard all summer and froze

That's all stuff that has been in my mind, that I want to get done and get out from under.  There's one more "little" thing--cleaning the whole house top to bottom. I need to prepare for a friend staying at our house while we are away in Chico at a family reunion.  Oh, and I have less than a week to do it. ; ) 

But I'm telling myself I have plenty of time.  Before I turn my attention to a Big Clean I want to get a few more things done on this list--so we shall see what this weekend allows.

And hey--blogging about all this has been one of the things on my mental to-do list this week as well!  So, whoo-hoo!

Please do share your successes and goals with me in the comments, if you are similarly mindful of getting things done this week. : )  I would love to hear them!

Anti-Procrastination--and a story

I wrote this yesterday, but did not post it because I wanted the Princess Penny auction to have center stage. : )  Doesn't matter--it is just as relevant today, as you will see!

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It's Wednesday, and that means the weekly Anti-Procrastination Day.

And this week, I mean business.

Just recently I realized how much mental baggage I am carrying around with me daily from things undone that I really want/need done.  They are a drain on my thinking, and when I let them go too long they start to drag at my spirit.  There was something in particular that had been on my to-do list since my big GET IT DONE push this past Spring--and one week ago I still had not done it.  And since telling you all about this is one more thing I have been meaning to do for some time, this is the perfect day to do so!

You see, our neighbors on one side of us had a little dog named Willa, who for a while kept escaping from their yard, and running away down our busy road.  Of course any time we heard them calling for her we would go help look--that's what neighbors do!  But then they must have figured out where she was getting out and fixed the problem, because months went by without a single escape, and thus without us really interacting with them. 

But during those months our neighbors (who were living together but not married) went through a bad relational spell, and were fighting all the time.  And the woman was a yeller.  Our house is only about 5 feet from their house, and our walls are thin--we couldn't hear most of the words (although often we could) but we could hear the raging and miserable voices rising and falling, and things slamming and banging.  Sometimes I was really concerned that she was going to make him so mad he would  hurt her, because she was truly a shrieking harpy, attacking him, tearing him apart.  It was really ugly.  Sometimes they would start in yelling and the kids would be lying in bed listening to it for over an hour as they were trying to fall asleep.  I didn't know what to do about it--so we would just put on music, or talk to the kids about sin and how it consumes us and hurts our relationships if we let it, and pray for the neighbors.

I think they knew we could hear them.  They probably heard me yell at the kids enough to know how sound carries between our houses (I often find myself yelling to the kids to do/stop doing X, Y or Z while I am standing at the kitchen sink washing dishes before dinner--the place closest to their house where the sound probably travels the best.  I love being such a great example of parenting to the world. Sigh.).   And I know the woman at least felt badly about it--because one day this past Spring as we were sitting quietly schooling in the living room, the girls saw Willa running down the road again.  Of course I ran over to knock on the neighbor's door to tell her, and was thankful that they were home.  The neighbors went searching, and found her within 10 minutes--ironically in our backyard (she must have run through a different neighbors yard down the road and then backtracked up the creek).  So, it was all over very quickly, and was not really that big of a deal.

But then half an hour later, there was a knock on our door, and there stood the neighbor lady, with a large gift bag in her hand.  She wanted to thank us for what great neighbors we are, and of course I just said that's what neighbors do, but then she apologized for how they were not great neighbors, and the way she said it I knew she meant the fighting.  So she and I made it a quick and slightly awkward but friendly exchange.   Once inside, we opened the gift bag to find a large plastic tub of craft bits (with a $30 price tag on the bottom!) for the kids.  And then there was also a card for me--the wording of which confirmed my suspicion that this gift was given more as an apology than a thank-you.  Inside the card was a gift certificate to a local upscale kids/home boutique--for the amount of $300.  Yes, three hundred dollars. 

Of course I flipped out a little, and thought we can't accept this!  It was clearly a guilt offering.  Accepting it would be like taking blood money, a bribe to keep our eyes averted from the carnage.  But yet. . . I thought about the few exchanges I had earlier with this neighbor, who had lived next to us for about one year.  How I took her some fresh picked strawberries, and she brought over a rainbow-maker for the kids' window.  How I took her some fresh picked tomatoes, and she brought over a potted orchid for my kitchen windowsill.  Gift-giving seems to be one of her main love languages, as it is one of mine.  I thought about how I would be feeling if I was in her place--probably being really hard on myself for how poorly I was reacting to the conflict between me and my partner, and then also feeling so guilty for not being able to stop it, even if I knew it was negatively affecting others.  I would be feeling really vulnerable, and wanting to be accepted and loved and forgiven.  If gift giving is really one of her love languages, then giving back the gift would be like rejecting her love--and being critical not only of her in her weakness, but also of her attempts to make things right!

But I also felt badly keeping it.  It was just so over-the-top.  Finally, I decided we would use some of it to buy something fun or useful for our family, and with some of it I would try to buy something little and meaningful for the neighbor as a thank you back, and then the rest of it I would ask the store if we could break up into two separate gift certificates, like $100 each.  I can then give those to our local Crisis Pregnancy Center for a silent auction they have coming up--using this woman's love offering to spread even more love around our community. 

But most importantly, I needed to give the neighbor a big THANK YOU that would show her the forgiveness and acceptance and love I think she wished for.

But.  This is where perfectionism and life got the best of me.  Because  this happened right in the middle of all the stressful, busy, overwhelming season I had this past Spring, and I had in my head the "right" way to say thank you (for the kids to make a rainbow craft from some of the goodies from the big jar the neighbor had given them, because we know she likes rainbows) but that ended up being just one more thing to do and our weeks were already so full, and to also invite the neighbor over for tea and some "girlfriend" chat, because maybe God wanted me to minister to her heart with some loving, encouraging words, but my house was such a wreck and I was such a wreck and so I kept thinking I would get everything "right" and then take over the thank you/invite the next week. . . .  And I kept meaning to, and meaning to.

Finally, I decided the Week Without Children would be a good time for uninterrupted, adult conversation, and made up an invitation for tea in my kitchen and asked her to contact me to arrange it at her convenience.  I waited until after the mail carrier had come by, and then walked over and slipped it into their mailbox with the other letters.  And never heard from her.

But then about 2 weeks ago I started to notice some things were different over there.  Our houses are very close together, but their front entry and driveway are on the other side from us, with tall privacy fences in between, so we really don't see the neighbors coming or going or notice what they are about unless they come over to the far side of their back deck, which overlooks our yard.  But I started to notice all the usual things from the deck weren't there any more.  I didn't hear the neighbors as much (the terrible fighting stopped shortly after the big gift, so maybe the two are connected--I don't know), and somehow the house just started to seem less occupied. So on July 30 in the evening I asked DH to walk over and peek into their windows (looking through their front fence into the big picture window in their living room--not being a peeping tom, because anyone could do this just walking by) to see if he saw anything amiss. And he came back and reported that it looked like they were moving, as most of their furniture was gone.  And he suggested that since the next day was the last day of the month, they would probably finish moving their stuff out that next day.

Ack!  No more time to procrastinate!  So the next morning I wrote out the thank-you note I should have written months earlier, and ran over and taped it to their gate.  Then the girls all sat at the kitchen table and made the sweetest big rainbow out of heavy cardstock and tissue paper and colorful embellishments and cotton ball clouds and a big red heart.  It took all day (except for lunch and some errands), and we finished right before having to leave for swimming lessons at 5pm.  It was still tacky with glue, but I was worried the neighbors would come and get the last load of stuff in the driveway before we got back from swimming.  And my timing was perfect, because when I ran over, there was a friend of theirs loading up the stuff from the driveway, and so he opened the garage so I could put the art in it by the very last load they would come back for (and I taped the thank you note on the back).  I am sure now they must have received it.   

I also found out from the friend that they only moved across the creek!  So they are still very near, and so I have hopes that the woman will contact me and say yes to my invitation, which I repeated in the thank you  note.

We'll see.  It's possible that my months of delay acknowledging the extravagant gift hurt her feelings and put a wedge between us.  It's possible she wants a clean break from their rough relational patch while living next door to us, and getting together with me would seem to defeat that.  It's possible she does not want to talk about anything personal, and fears I would want to.  None of this matters.  I thanked, I invited, we crafted and gifted.  I did what I needed to do to get the weight of the undone off my shoulders.

And it feels sooooooo good! 

Once the art and note were delivered, I felt free.  Spiritually so much lighter.  I did not realize how much weight just that one big undone thing carried.  I think it weighed so heavily because it involved the feelings of another person--and me imagining the unlove I might be causing that person to feel, which led me to feel guilty.  I have to remind myself that I did not ask for the overwhelming gift, it came at a really bad time, and I did not handle it like I should have, but it is over now.  DONE.  I refuse to carry any lingering remorse or guilt about it.  I will do what I intended with the gift certificate, and then that will be done too.  I even just got a notice that the charity auction is coming up, and the timing could not be better. And when I go shopping with the remainder, I will allow myself to enjoy it, and be thankful.  : )  I will be blessed by it and pray God blesses my former neighbor too.

But the huge release I have already experienced just from delivering the art and note leads me to think--what else have I been dragging my feet on that is a huge burden in my life/heart/house/thinking/energy/spirit?  I want to seek out those things and GET THEM DONE.  I have enough to worry about in every day--I don't want excess!

So even before I got out of bed this morning I thought about the things that I wanted/needed to do, the things that seemed most urgent or that I was spending too much time thinking about.  I'm making my list--and this time I'm not going to list everything, but just a few specific things, and then just get them done.

I meant to start today.  But this is a "summer school" week and my kids are choosing poorly and yesterday they did not get their (minimal) work done and I am finding I have to stay on top of them today (i.e. hang out here in the living room where they are working) to keep them focused and choosing well.  So, I could feel defeated before even starting my Anti-procrastination push.  But I'm just choosing instead to be happy for lots of blogging time today, and make firm goals for the big push.  I hope to blog more specifically about it tomorrow--and will let you know when I'm starting, in case you want to jump in the fun with me!  We can encourage one another! 

Happy Wednesday Thursday everyone!

Very special auction ends tonight!

[The following message is from Amy Rainey.  See you over at Princess Penny's auction before midnight tonight!]

Greetings!

Can you believe that another week-long auction is almost over? Only hours remain in our Princess Penny auction.

Have you been outbid? It is time to check things out. There are still some item with no bids, or with extremely low bids. Many items are still way below their retail value.

It is not too early to start thinking about Christmas gifts! Make your money work hard. Find a lovely gift, and help a precious girl come home. She matters!

Thank you in advance, my friends!

 Be Blessed,

 Amy Rainey

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My words now!  I can't believe how quickly time is flying by.  I did not realize the auction for Penny would only be one week long--and so I have not told you about it! 

This auction is one blogger's way of *doing* something to help special needs orphans get into their forever families.  She organizes the auctions, and then wonderful, generous people give things to help raise money for the adopting family, and then other wonderful, generous people place bids on those things.  I too have participated in several of these auctions, both in donating and in bidding.  There are some really nice things at very low prices still available!  I did early Christmas/birthday shopping the last time there was one, and got things like a custom-made baby quilt for my baby niece Sweetness, a handmade little girl apron for her big sister Spice, two handmade doll afghans (just right for the girls' American girl dolls, which can go in their Christmas stockings), and some homemade, pure vanilla extract in adorable little bottles for MIL and me!  So please go look at the things offered--maybe you will give yourself  the gift of getting some gift buying done while you are blessing Penny's family!

This auction is very special to me for another reason too--we have something very special up for auction in it.  : )   As you know from all the photos I have posted over the years (like here and here and here) my mother is amazingly talented, and the vintage-style smocked dresses she has made for the girls are beautiful.  Each girl has so enjoyed having special things made just for her by Grandma, and I have enjoyed seeing my girls in such cute things.  But now we are outgrowing most of the hand-smocked things, and I am starting to pack them away "for posterity."  Hopefully they will do well in storage under our house, and hopefully my girls will someday grow up and have daughters of their own, and will be glad to have those loving memories and beautiful things for their own girls.  But I have no guarantee of any of that.  I have been taught over and over through so many things in life that we can't hold too tightly to things.  There is a good chance that my best efforts at storing them will not lead to the end I hope for--we could have a house fire, or flooding, or I don't know what could happen, and so I can do my best to preserve them, but I can't count on having these beautiful, meaningful things forever. 

In other words, I can attempt to store up my treasures here on earth, or I could try to store up more treasures in heaven.  

So about a year ago I asked my mother if she would mind if we donated one of the dresses she made for my girls to help bring home an orphan girl into her family, and she graciously said yes.  So just last week as I was going through our "heirloom" bin to pack away things recently outgrown, I chose one dress that I thought others might like and would bid on.  It was made for Sunny, and worn by all three girls, but only to church, and so it is in excellent condition still.  It makes my heart sing to give something I love to God's "Kingdom work."  Not only will the money raised help bring a little girl to her new family, but whoever wins it is going to be so excited to give it to her daughter or granddaughter.  So I *could* have kept the dress, and hoped it would safely store for the next 20-30 years until there is a granddaughter old enough to wear it.  But now, in giving the dress to bless others for God's good purpose, it will be worn and loved by who knows how many more little girls! 

If you want to see which dress, and my sweet Happy modeling it, I encourage you to stop by the auction.  Who knows--maybe you will see something else you want to bid on too!  : )

Just be quick, because the auction ends tonight!

p.s.  If you see me bidding on something, please feel free to outbid me. In fact, please outbid me.  It would make me so happy. : )

For Hanson

And all the other children who are Lost today. . .

Image credit

A Requiem for Hanson

Oh, my goodness.

Just when I've had a pretty cynical season, seeing so much more of the selfish, closed-minded side of humanity, being frustrated by spiritual stagnation and seeing the same sins and self-serving over and over and over and over (in myself, in my family, in our nation). . . something has broken through to me this morning.

If you have been reading my blog for a while, you know I have written before about Julia over at Micah Six Eight, and esp. the "Mulligan Stew" fundraiser she organizes every year to help raise funds to see Eastern European special needs orphans brought into loving families.  She also advocates for who she calls the "Lost Boys," boys with Down Syndrome or Cerebral Palsy or other special needs who were not adopted and are now facing a lifetime of institutionalization in conditions we would call at best "primitive"--or at worst "criminal." 

There was a boy who was given the fundraising moniker "Hanson":

photo from Reece's Rainbow

He was one of the "Lost Boys" that Julia championed.  But he died, alone, in a crib in a barren room--unloved, uncared-for.  Overlooked.  Ignored. Deemed as worthless.

His death is one of those quiet tragedies that play out across our globe every second of every moment of every day.

It is so easy to not think about the things that don't immediately affect us. 

It is so easy to not think about the things that would make our hearts ache, if we stopped to really think about them.  The same things that make God's heart ache.

The world says there's no reason to care about this little boy, half a world away, who spent his whole life in a crib, was not loved, who had physical issues and may have had significant mental delays and was not able to contribute to society.  Because of course these are the things that give our lives worth: our contributions to society.  Or being loved by somebody.  Or having presence in the public arena.  Or even fully understanding what's going on around us. 

Not just being noticed, but being seen.

Yes, those are the ways we assign value to a person.  Estimate their worth. But that's not how God sees our value.

And this morning, I read on Julia's blog a jaw-dropping, handkerchief-filling testimony to the value of a life, when we see "the least of these" through God's eyes.

Ok, maybe the story won't mean the same to you--maybe you won't be struck so hard by all the attention being given to someone who represents the forgotten.  The effort and time and planning and thought being offered as a sacrifice in homage of those who the world says wouldn't deserve it.  Some people are saying, because I love, I care.  And because I care, I grieve.  And because I love and care and grieve--I celebrate.  I urge you to go read it.

On Gay Marriage--with more question marks than exclamation points

Sometimes when I am quiet on this blog it is because I am spending my blogging time writing on someone else's blog. Yes, that's the vanity of bloggers--getting so sure of our own voices that we jump into discussion elsewhere, assuming we are most welcome. ; )  I don't post long comments to other people's blogs often--just when it seems welcomed and warranted.  And sometimes it is better to blog elsewhere, where the topic has already been raised, then here on my own blog, where my opinions might make someone feel less welcome.  I would never want that!  I want this blog to be a safe place for people to visit--and I hope anyone who visits feels welcome and never attacked.  I also never want my visitors to think I am saying my perspective is the right one, and hope you all who read feel comfortable commenting and even disagreeing with me.  (As long as we all stay kind. : ) 

So, there are things going on in the world that I do have strong opinions about that I've never gone into on this blog.  Sometimes because I imagine you are as tired as I am of hearing about them!  And sometimes because I imagine you might be feeling like I am, that there is always someone pointing fingers and name calling those who disagree with them, and so you just don't want to go there.  It feels pretty much like a person is wrong for his or her own opinions about anything wherever they turn in the media/social media.  I might disagree with someone about something, but I try to always see where they are coming from, and affirm their right to their voice, and a different opinion.  At least, I hope I always do. 

Anyway, a few weeks back I was led to this blog post about different Christian perspectives on gay marriage.  It had some of the best dialogue (at least in the comments) I have come across in the whole big national debate--but most importantly, it had some of the most reasonable discussion.  It was a safe place to voice an opinion and be treated with respect.  So I ended up writing my own stance, which I decided to share with you here too:


I find myself in a fascinating place of “betweens”:

–Honored to have gay and lesbian friends and also very conservative Christian friends.
 
–Very aware that in Christ I have the full freedom to love them all, equally, without reservation.

–Christian, but fully aware that I do not (yet?) understand what God thinks about his gay children marrying, but do know that He loves them.

–Pro-civil unions, but saddened by the political usurpation of the covenantal term “marriage” (I think all legally-recognized unions should be civil, and the sacrament of Christian marriage should have nothing to do with the government–too late to turn back that clock, however!)

–Very glad that there are churches that welcome and embrace homosexuality, since I don’t (yet?) know what God thinks about it and gay marriage. But also proud of my church and pastors for not capitulating to cultural pressure to say it is Ok when they believe God’s Holy Word says otherwise. We are in one of the most liberal areas in the US, but our pastors and church body manage to walk that fine line of welcoming and truly loving people, but also not being ashamed to speak what they believe is God’s Truth. God is not politically correct, that I know for sure.

–Believing that our government did (albeit unintentionally) guarantee same-sex marriage in its original documents, when it built our nation upon the right to “pursue happiness.” But also believing that the church must not have the same definition of liberty—our definitions and understandings of such terms must come from Scripture, and from the closest, most accurate reading of it, regardless of whether or not it says what we want it to say.

–Wanting only the best for my GLBTQ (and whomever else I am omitting) friends, and those who are going to be entering into same-sex marriages. I am so happy for them for finding love, and do believe that ANY human love is the result of the lingering image of God within us—we can only love at all because of Him, so any love is worth celebrating—but yet if I do believe that same-sex love is not what God intended, and may be outside of His will for His beloved children, then how am I loving my GLBTQ friends by pretending all is well?

–Actually being quite comfortable with the conundrum above, since I believe we can love people fully, and speak the truth as best we know it, and still live in unity. But very few other people seem to be comfortable with it—needing others to think as they do.

–Really uncomfortable with ANYBODY, on either side of the issue, who claims complete authority about their interpretation of God’s word. Why don’t we hear more qualifiers when people write/speak? Whatever happened to phrases like “according to a traditional interpretation of Scripture. . . ” or “As best as I can understand this passage. . . “? Everyone writes as if they are the final word. (Kudos to Preston Yancey for his carefully-written stance.)

–Concerned that there is such a thing as a slippery slope—and while I completely agree with the commentator who said she would much rather be on the slipper slope with the Holy Spirit than on seemingly firm ground, it sure seems to me that there is historical precedent for and fine logical thinking behind some people bemoaning some of the potential places they foresee this historic moment taking us.

And speaking of which, I used to teach rhetoric at a large university, and taught my students to address “likely objections to their argument” in their persuasive writing. When I see Christians theorizing about the implications of cultural trends, and projecting the future path of our nation, I see a lot of negative backlash from those who disagree, but rarely a logical address of their insights and concerns. In other words, it is really easy to shout things like “hate speech!” and “homophobe” and “fear-monger!” but much less easy to form a clearly-articulated and well-reasoned address of the actual concerns raised. And NEITHER side is very good at anticipating and addressing “likely objections.” While I agree that the original authors of this post did not end up representing a very broad spectrum of opinions on this topic, I have appreciated that the comments section has been overall lucid, respectful, intelligent, and has better addressed dissenting views.

Just a few thoughts to add to the discussion. No human issues are only black and white, and I wish more people were willing to live in the “gray” spaces between. Not saying my “between” stance is the only correct one to have–and thus negating the very idea of it!–but saying I very much appreciate people who are willing to be vulnerable, and seek to understand others, and not claim to have all the answers, not even claiming to have all the questions, but doing their best to love no matter what.

______________

I didn't share the more personal stuff.  Like the fact that DH and I have gay and lesbian friends in real life.  That I actually believe there is nothing wrong with gay and lesbian relationships and believe I am not only called to love all people, but am called to be true friends with them.  I think they should be allowed to marry--in a legal espousement.  But I also think all this changes when the people in question are professing faith in Christ.  Then--I don't know.  I have read lots of theological views about why God does not want his children in homosexual relationships--and their interpretations of Scripture seem sound. Their arguments are logical.  I have also read arguments that attempt to prove that we have traditionally misinterpreted those same passages of Scripture, and God is not anti-homosexuality but actually anti-pederasty (for example). 

I need to tell you that I WANT to be convinced that God is fine with active homosexuality in his faith-professing children, and that He supports gay marriage.  But I have not been convinced--so far the interpretations and explanations of Scripture seem to make more sense the other way.  If anyone reading this wants to recommend a book that successfully posits the Bible as pro-gay stance, please feel free to recommend it. 

Most of all, I want to take God at His word, and not fall into the trap of reading into His word what I want it to say.

I am also confused because there is clear biological evidence that what we call gender is actually much more fluid in it's physical construct than we may have previously believed.  It is really a spectrum,  like so many other things about our physical/emotional/mental natures.  Our biology makes some men more slender and have higher-pitched voices--i.e. slightly more "feminine."  Similarly, some women are stronger and have lower voices--or more facial hair.  Do we say God messed up in making them?  That He clearly slipped a little too much of one gender into the batter on accident?  Or did He make them just like He wanted them--at just a  slightly higher or lower place on the spectrum than what we would expect?

Some people are born with both sets of genitalia, and their "true" gender is not even expressed until they hit puberty.  Again, did God mess up?  Is their condition the result of the Fall, and how all of creation has been perverted away from His original, perfect design?  Or are they perfect, just as they are? 

Some people are born with genetic variances so that they express one  gender their whole life--but in actuality their chromosomes are those for the opposite gender!  Yes, such things happen, and learning about them was the first thing that made me wonder if God might just actually make some people gay.  I strongly urge anyone who is also wrestling with these ideas to watch this video. 

Then again, being created physically to be "gay" might have nothing to do with what God expects of us in terms of Righteousness. 

And I firmly believe that God would not create anyone without any choice but to sin.  How could He? 

But I do also believe we can have genetic pre-disposition to things that could more readily lead us to sin--like chemical imbalances in the brain that are inherited by future generations (we are learning more about this all the time through research into epigenetics).  Also, there are things that we as humans are doing to our environment that are having consequences we never would have anticipated--so then do we say the gender expression differences that come from human meddlings are personal sin or "the sins of the fathers vested upon the children"?  Either way, what do we say to those men and women with corrupted DNA when they show up at church ready to profess faith in Christ but not ready to give up their same-sex partner and commit themselves to a life of celibacy? 

Sigh. 

So, that's why I wrote the above to that web dialogue--to represent the middle ground of people who just don't know what to think, and who don't assume they know what God thinks about it all.  I know what I *think* He says about homosexuality, and what I can then infer He thinks about gay marriage. But I also know Jesus wept.  He knows our human struggles and His heart broke for us--and His love covers all sin.  His quiet voice stills all confusion--but have we learned how to listen?  

I really appreciated this article for how it questioned why we as Christians are so up in arms over gay marriage, something Jesus did not specifically talk about in Scripture, when we are at the same time so conveniently ignoring other things He said loudly and clearly.  One of my favorite quotations from the piece:  "Maybe we should all be required to pick an issue that requires US to change and not OTHERS to change." Now that thought perfectly reflects Jesus. 

One book I just heard about yesterday, which I am now very interested in reading: The Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert: An English Professor's Journey Into Christian Faith by Rosaria Champagne Butterfield.  (Isn't her name straight out of a novel?)  She was a tenured professor at Syracuse, and a lesbian in a committed long-term relationship.  And then. . . God happened.

So, there you go.  I'm out of the closet, so to speak, about my feelings and thoughts about gay marriage.  To sum it all up: I don't know.

Last thought: DH's best friend from high school is a wonderful man named Chris.  He is gay, and when he was going to get "married" (way back when it just meant something to couples as a sign of personal commitment and had no blessing of the state) in Washington state, he invited DH to come.  DH went, gladly, wanting to share in his friend's happiness and show him love.  I remember when I told my parents he was going to do this--anticipating mild disapproval and disappointment, I admit--I was surprised and happy when my dad said, "Good for him."  He recognized that we show God's love to people by being in relationship with them. 

One of our pastors, Dan Kimball, said it this way in a sermon (my paraphrase): anytime a non-believer invites us into his or her life, that space is holy ground.

Anyone want to share more fodder for discussion?  Your thoughts are welcome!

a few thoughts abou Les Miserables

Because Jessica asked!

I won't try to make this sound all film theory formal--reminding myself this is not an academic arena but just me sharing thoughts with my homies. ; ) My critical theories about the most recent Les Mis movie are so far just in defense of the casting, and in wonderment of the overall God arc. 

I heard a LOT of people slamming the performance of Russell Crowe because he did not show a dynamic acting range and they felt his voice was not good enough for the role. These accusations are both true.  And yet, I believe they are a sign of how well he was cast, not how poorly. The limited nature of both his singing and acting in this movie perfectly reflect the narrow and rigid nature of his character Javert. The script is clearly portraying him this way--the depictions of him on high precipices, his lines about balancing on the edge of a knife.  Javert is literally unwavering in his black and white views of crime and justice, and a voice without vibrato perfectly expresses that.

I also felt the epic nature of the story/movie made people want grand acting gestures from all those involved--which most of the actors, esp. Hugh Jackman and Anne Hathaway, delivered, and appropriately so.  But I think Crowe actually did an excellent job internalizing his character, and people were not looking carefully enough at the small and subtle acting choices he made throughout the film that were brilliant characterization. Javert is a man who cuts off emotion, who gives himself over to the Law and the way of legal Right at the sacrifice of his own feelings--of his own personhood.  He says he is the law.  So there would not be much to see on the outside of this character--the struggle to reconcile his identity as Law with Valjean's belief in Grace would be on the inside, a struggle better portrayed through the lyrics of his songs than the expressiveness of his acting. 

In fact, in making his character dispassionate, ultra-controlled, hardened, he is the perfect foil to Anne Hathaway's character Fantine (not Valjean, as we might expect). She was born to a wealthy family, but because of young, foolish love ended up literally in the gutter.  Emotional vulnerability and open-heartedness leads to her demise. Javert admits he was born in prison, and has worked his whole life to rise up in the world.  Emotional disconnect with others and legalistic definitions of worth, truth, right he believes will lead him to victory over his past. 

Her "fall from grace" makes her ultimately vulnerable, dying, in despair.  And in her weakness, God's grace is strong, and Valjean literally swoops down and lifts her from the muck, and the movie clearly tells us when she dies she is at peace with God.  Her precious daughter is also redeemed, by the same human instrument of God--again, swooped up into the strong arms of love--and Cosette's beauty is literally brought forth from ashes.

I remember seeing this Les Miserables in the movie theater, and squirming in my seat not at Russell Crowe's voice, but at Hugh Jackman's.  He is so often straining, eyes bulging, the cords in his neck taunt, the timbre of his voice almost unbearable and the extreme close-ups at such times painful.  And yet. . . I don't think this is a flaw of his singing ability as much as a sign of his excellent sense of emoting through the music.  He is not straining to reach the notes as much as he is straining to restrain them and not overwhelm the microphones held so close--I get the feeling he would have done the same songs much better justice on Broadway.  He was having to hold in his voice to get the proper intimacy and tone of the moment being filmed--"Bring Him Home" is a good example. (Click on that link to see a video clip.)  It is supposed to be a prayer, a whisper of the spirit.  But this song is where his vocal tone is most stretched thin--again, I think because of his attempts to rein in his voice and not overwhelm the scene.  But then I think, why didn't he just use his falsetto?  That is the perfect time for it--to sing more softly, more tenderly.  The very nature of the song seems to demand it.

But yet, I completely believe in Jackman's abilities as an actor, and see only excellence in all other areas of his characterization in this film.  This leads me to believe Jackman's choice to sing the song without falsetto, straining to sing those high notes gently, must be another purposeful choice.  And really, it still works in the scene--because throughout the movie, the times when his voice seems tightest, most strained, are the times when his character IS under strain, is wound tightly, has no release.  So did he choose to sing in a manner that requires so much control because he is showing his character's strong control over his emotions, over his choices?  Does he sing with that strident tone as a means of showing the audience the pent-up tension/energy in Valjean at these moments?   When I look at the singing in the movie as an extension of the acting, I find it is extremely effective at conveying character and the significance of certain moments/choices in the story.

The ground-breaking sound recording technology they used in the making of the movie must have been a welcome challenge for these actors--allowing them to actually *act* their songs instead of just make a pretty voice over later, when the feel of the moment is gone.  And yet, that performance of "Bring Him Home" would keep me from owning the movie soundtrack--it is that painful.  And while painful might have been an excellent acting choice on Jackman's part in the film, it is not going to connect with a listener the same way on an isolated sound recording.

While I was looking up images to share with this post, I found another blogger giving a casual but spirited review of the movie, which I enjoyed.  This was her take on one particular song in the movie, which apparently critics did not like, but which she is quick to defend:

Les Mis isn't about the critics.  It's about the people.  Historically, this story hasn't done well in the eyes of the Uppity and Scholarly Folk who review it in newspapers and such, yet the madding crowd who have bought the book and seen the musical and watched the film are touched by it in a special way.  And isn't that what the story is all about?  Ordinary people, the "lower classes," the uneducated and poor?  I'm not saying that the majority of Les Mis' fan base are peasants, but I am saying that I don't give two beans for the snooty reviewers who say "Suddenly" was too slow-moving and saccharine and nobody liked it.  It's a heartwarming little piece about a man who's become a father overnight, for Pete's sake... it's not supposed to be an eleven o'clock showstopper.  (Oh, and Hugh Jackman's an adoptive father in real life... which I thought added a special tenderness to his performance.  And this song was actually within his vocal range.  So he sounded great.)

 (Hugh Jackman is an adoptive father?  Even more to love!)

OK, enough on that.  As for the God story arc--I just want to say I have not read the novel, but I have seen it performed on stage, and neither fact affects at all my interpretation of how God is portrayed in this particular movie version.  It is perfectly legitimate to analyze something on its own, as its own work, and not have to include other versions or the original text in the analysis.  I am very curious, however, how much God really does factor into the original novel and in the previous film versions.  But anyway, redemption is THE theme of the whole movie, and is played out in so many character's stories.  And God is one of the main characters, and the forward thrust of the whole story--or, one could argue, people who believe in God are.  (I could see someone making a case that God himself is not clearly at work in the movie, but instead people who believe in the saving Grace of God--a potentially important distinction for a film theorist, but splitting hairs for someone who just wants to revel in the positive, affirming nature of this movie towards there being such a real things as Grace that redeems and restores and compels us to love and sacrifice.) 

Eponine also lays down herself for Love, and dies for it

Of course, at the end there is no Jesus required for access to heaven--just the willingness to die for the sake of love or liberty.  Ironically, Javert too died to uphold that which he believed--that Justice is clearly defined and those who adhere to it, who champion it are absolved from having to decide if their upholding Justice is right or wrong.  His wavering from the "straight and narrow" proved the flaw in his "religion"--or his failure as its "priest"--and so letting Valjean go free shook the very core of his identity.  This is why he says there cannot be room in the world (i.e. in his own rigidly constructed worldview) for both Javert and Valjean.  So he chose to kill himself in honor of the Law, sacrificing his life rather than sacrifice his identity.  He could not re-frame his identity around the truth that someone who "deserves" the wrath of the Law might also "deserve" Grace.  That there is no clear, human way to point to who is right and who is wrong, to who deserves punishment and who deserves mercy.  That there is a God who loves those who are unlovable and fallen, but condemns those who have no love or mercy.  And so maybe that is another reason why Javert throws himself into the abyss--when confronted by Grace he had to look into his own soul, and if the proven criminal Valjean is a better man than he himself is, then what hope is there for him. 

In other words, his death is pitiable for its vanity. 

But this is where I am reading into his death more than the movie's cues tell me to.  The movie clearly codes Valjean as a man redeemed by God, who then goes on to redeem others, and all those who sacrifice their lives for others--either personally or politically--end up in heaven.  The movie also clearly codes Javert as a man trapped by his own Law, who spends his whole life upholding Right (according to the Law) but not ever doing Right (according to Grace), who then throws himself into the gaping maw of Destruction/Hell as a final triumph over his fears and assertion of his mastery of his own identity.  So the final thought is that some things are worth dying for, and some are not--and clearly dying for others, for a higher purpose, for Love is a worthy calling, but dying for oneself is pathetic.

It is also interesting to note how much the warm, golden, intimate glow of candles is associated with God and safety and peace and rest.  How Valjean is so often placed in those scenes--subtly emphasizing his being in the presence of--indeed, enveloped by--God.  (As is Fantine.) And conversely how Javert's personal scenes take place in cold, dangerous places, with the notable light being the cold, distant light of the faraway stars (which he also mentions in his songs).  So there is a definite coding there of light = God = Good = comforting.   And dark = Law = hard = dispassionate = unsettling and unsafe. 

I am always fascinated by how God is portrayed in contemporary films, and often think God (or belief in God) showing up in a movie has less to say about a film-maker's personal beliefs as the film-maker's desire to tap into something in the consciousness of its audience.  What does this movie being made, at this time in our nation's history, to this degree of faithfulness to the stage production, with this plot emphasis on standing up for what we view as right and being willing to lay down our lives for it and for others, and with this particular portrayal of God. . . what might this movie tell us about ourselves?  Or what we want to believe about ourselves? 

OK, that's all!  It took we way to long to formulate even that much--wow, I remembered how long I toiled over academic papers  back in grad school.  How fun it is to delve for meaning into movies--and how danged hard it is to say what you mean.

But thanks for inspiring me to be a critical thinker and writer this week, Jessica.  I'd say that's a fine use of the Week Without Children--reminding myself I have interests and thought-power outside of the usual mommying and homewifery!