Peace, Peace

Peace, peace, peace on Earth

And goodwill to all. 

This is a time for joy,

This is a time for love.

Now let us all sing together

of peace, peace, peace on Earth.

(This is the little song I taught the kids so we could sing for Great-Grandma as a present. I didn't know my Dear Husband would grab the camera for a video. But I'm glad he did, so I can share it with you all. My sister Rebecca, it should bring back fond memories of Madrigal dinners!)

I hope all of you reading this had wonderful Christmases!

In which I talk myself into posting the letter

All week I have debated sharing the letter I wrote to MIL.  I have questioned whether or not it is wise or loving or respectful or God-honoring to do so.  (And so I have been writing this post all weekend in bits and spurts.)

Reasons to not share the letter:

1) I was pretty blunt in the letter about the specific things that are part of our "normal" ways of relating with MIL that need to change, and  I am sure you all will be appalled. And so, knowing you will feel that way, I don't want to share it because I don't want to seem to slander her.  Also, the things I confront her about are "private" behaviors, reserved for us lucky family members--she does not (usually) act this way in front of other people, and in the public sphere (well, not consciously), and so I don't want to seem to be invading her privacy. 

2) I am still struggling with the whole "sounding self-righteous" thing, like I am sharing these things with you to get you all on my side, or to try to say I am so great at relationships or something.  Ugh.  We're in this relationship together, and I am JUST as responsible for it's current state as MIL.  I am completely culpable.  I am NOT better than her, or thinking I am.  I am sincerely just saddened by how much I and others in my life have lived out so many of our years without spiritual awareness and self-control, and have, as a result, borne "bad fruit" from it that hurt our relationships with others. I have been convicted over the years about my own need to completely own my choices, esp. with my own mouth and attitude;  MIL and I are very similar in some ways, and I too have treated my loved ones, including my husband, in very similar ways at points in my life.  I am NO better.   So not only do I want to keep growing ever closer to being the person God desires me to be, but I am also feeling responsible for my part in how things have turned out with my MIL.  I am partly to blame for how we stand, and I want to completely own my role in our relationship, and make only positive, healing, affirming choices for our future.

3) It is also awkward to post things one has written to a third party.  Not only does it feel like I'm purposefully skewing the story by only sharing my side, but it also feels like I think I'm so wise or brilliant or something, and am bestowing upon my adoring circle of admirers the fount of my wisdom. . . blah, blah, blech.  I don't want to be that person who seems to think that highly of herself and what she writes. How mortifying.

But. 

After all weekend of serious deliberation, I think I have decided to share it anyway, and just ask you all to take it in the best light possible, assuming I mean to neither puff myself up nor pull MIL down, and I will also ask you to choose for yourself if you personally feel it crosses a line of gossip, and then you are free not to read it.  (Since we all have different levels of sensitivity and different spiritual weaknesses about that.)

Reasons to share the letter:

A) I thought about sharing just parts of the letter instead, but really the whole thing is quite to the point about what our relationship has been for so long, and about what I have expressed needs to change.  I do think those expectations could possible be helpful for some of you to read, based upon what you have said to me in private.  I do think this is all part of much bigger things that God is doing in me and hopefully in my MIL too.  Maybe He will even use some of this story to work something good in one of you--I would love to think that the fairly miserable things I have gone through, and am still going through, will have some greater good!

B)  As I wrote that first point above a couple days ago, I had a HUGE moment of clarity--one of those times when I could see the situation from outside myself, as maybe the rest of the world would see it.  CRAZY.   I started by writing that it's just MIL's family who gets the fun of all the negativity, but then I realized, actually no.  Not everyone in the family gets to experience all of it.  Really, while most of the people who share life with MIL receive some degree of her negativity, DH and I get most of MIL's crazy --which of course made me stop and question why?

Imagine a person's world of relationships is like an onion, with different layers of intimacy, starting with the public realm on the outside and progressively getting smaller and more private towards the center.  I think we all do this pretty much--how much we show of our worst selves corresponds with how well we know the people around us, how much we feel like it's their job to know and/or put up with our deficiencies, and how much we feel safe with them.   So we are usually pretty nice and charming to those people we don't know very well on the outside (although not always), but we tend to let our "real" selves hang all out to those in the inner circles--first our extended family, then our close friends, then our immediate family, then--the "luckiest" person in our lives--our spouse.   

Maybe what I just wrote does not seem to fit your world, but it sure does fit mine. And so in this particular case, MIL lets a little bit of the negativity and control issues slip out to her extended family(her nieces and their husbands for example), then quite a bit more to her immediate family (her mother and sisters), then a little more to DH's sister and her husband, and then a lot more to DH himself, and then seems to sometimes hold nothing back with me.  (I am purposefully not going to comment on her relationship with FIL or any friends, because they are not my business, but I will say she respects her husband to the extent she is able and does not rant about him in front of us, while she does rant about us in front of him. So that is worth noting, because it suggests DH and then I are personally at the very bottom of the pecking order.  But it also means that FIL is a wonderful man and we all know it. : ) 

So it is really interesting why I, the person at the bottom of the pecking order, would be on the very inner circle of intimacy (if showing one's worst self = intimacy), because I am the "outsider," the person who married into the family who does not belong, and even during that Monday's rant she argued that I had made it very clear from even before DH and I married that I was not choosing to be part of the family.  She sees me as "other," and that partly explains the hostility.  But then, if I am the one who does not belong, the outsider, why am I one of the ones who get to see the most awful side of her?  Is she unconsciously trying to chase me away?  Is she blaming & punishing me for her misery, because life would be so much better if somehow I had never entered the picture and made everything go awry?  Or is she unconsciously testing me, to see how far she will go before she can drive me away?  Or am I somehow truly "safe"?  If so, that is one twisted compliment. 

The fact that I am on the very most inner circle of MIL's "onion" is why I am taking this relationship so seriously.  But when I was writing the other day, the meaning of the concentric circles of increasing intimacy (and sin, and misery) also really hit me, and I could "see" the onion so clearly for the first time ever.  And I realized how CRAZY it is that DH and I are on the inner circles of misery, and it is because WE HAVE CHOSEN TO BE.  The reason MIL does not let the yucky stuff fly with extended family (like the cousins we spend holidays at their house with) is because she knows they will call her on it, and she is smart enough not to put herself into that awkward position of being challenged for her behavior in front of others.  She knows she can't get away with it.  But DH and I, on the other hand. . . we have PUT OURSELVES into this place of being the easy, available targets.  We are not in this vulnerable and painful position because we chose to be in relationship with her, but because we have chosen to be enablers in relationship with her. 

I mentioned the other day that about 10 years ago there was a pivotal event, and it forever changed the course of my/our relationship with MIL, for the better.  One of the revelations that came out of that event was the realization that DH and I were reaping what we had sown ever since we got married.  For the first five years of marriage we had allowed MIL to dictate so much of our lives, and had hidden our true selves, and had pretty much been malleable and weak and soft in all the ways we should not have been, and so when suddenly something mattered and I was trying to take a stand, it did not work at all.  And in my shock, God was able to whisper to me, and show me that for those five years we had taught MIL that she had control over us in ways that were not right, and not really true.  We had always just done whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted, and put up with anything she threw at us (but only when we were with her of course), and it was always done purely from good motives: to respect DH's parents and to try to keep peace.

Although writing that, I just realized it is not true.  It's partly true, and what we were trying to aim for, yes.  But clearly the #1 factor in how we were relating to her was FEAR.

C)  And maybe that is the biggest reason why I want to write about all this--because I am starting to come out from under years of living under legalism and being motivated by unhealthy things like fear and insecurity and feeling like I have to earn love, that I have to prove my worth.  Feeling that I have to defend my right to be treated well.  I don't want to live in fear anymore, and right now I am a little fearful of sharing the letter, because of how you all might view me or how in theory I would be hurting MIL's feelings if she knew.  Forget that.  In this one area of my life, I am tired of always trying to be perfect and please everyone else. 

I am also sick and tired of glossing over other people's hurting me.  Even defending their mistreatment.  Part of me being the problem and enabling the sin is that I try to deflect the consequences of a person's bad choice away from them, to almost buffer them from the harm they are causing themselves and others!  This might be partly just the way I am wired, because I am a people pleaser at heart, but I have been doing it to an unhealthy extent, for a long time, and esp. with my MIL.  I have to stop protecting her from the consequences of what she has been doing for so long.

D)  Also, God has been showing me a lot of Scripture recently about the sin happening in the dark, and how bringing things out into the light brings understanding, freedom, and healing.  (I started to share verses here, but it was too hard to write it all out, since I felt like I had to interpret them as a theologian, so if you want to know verse just ask me and I will share them!)  The bottom line is that
I want to speak plainly, but respectfully, of what has happened, and get it out in the light. Because if I don't talk about it, because of worrying about being disrespectful to MIL, it's like I am still pretending all is well.  Like I am living in fear.  Like I am still covering over the sinful behavior to shield it from the bold, uncompromising light of day.

But fear lurks in the darkness, and sin thrives there.  I'm so tired of darkness.  I want freedom, and exposure, so healing can REALLY begin.

E)  Finally, I wondered to myself the other day in the car if there was a group of people with whom I could share this part of the story without feeling like I was gossiping or slandering my MIL.  I realized yes--a private therapy group.  So, you are all now officially my private therapy group, and we all know that means the things I say here are confidential, so I am going to assume you all are trustworthy. : )  Just please remember the "But" above, and the context in which I am sharing this.


May God's light shine fully in all of our lives today, for His Good purposes!  AMEN.

Still Here in the New Year!

Apparently going private has been the death knell for my blog. 

Well, this Fall was extremely busy--more than usual, and Fall is always our busiest time of the year, as most of you with kids can relate to.  This of course means less time for blogging, and more of an urge just to mindlessly troll youtube instead of blogging when I do have free time.  But I think it was more than that--somehow going private felt like closing a door.  I mean, I knew it would feel like that, but thought it would feel more like being inside a cozy room with a warm fire and hot tea and crumpets on the table, and welcoming friends in and shutting the door against the cold.  But it has ended up feeling more small and claustrophobic and. . . alone than that.  As if I'm the only one in the room with the fire and tea with the door shut, just sitting by myself in the warm quiet, staring at the dying embers. . .

Ok, melodramatic.  I was just trying to come up with a picture to go along with the feelings. : )  But this feeling of being more alone is not unfounded; at least one of you few readers contacted me to say you were having difficulty (perhaps still are?) figuring out how to access the blog.  Maybe there are more of you who have not been able to figure it out. 

And if the whole password thing makes it harder or feel like more of an effort to get into the blog, maybe some of you will just stop coming by. . .

And now that it is private, I know updates don't show automatically in feeds and sidebars (or am I wrong about this?) and that too makes it just that much easier to forget to stop by and read.  (In fact, I know some of you have subscribed by email--did this post show up in any feed or email? I would love to know if it did, so you are getting some notice when there is something new here to read.)

And finally, I really liked the blog being public because I harbored the fantasy that God could lead anyone here who might need it--who maybe could use a friendly word, or some encouragement, or to see they are not alone in feeling the way they do about parenting or whatever.  Does that sound egotistical?  I just enjoyed feeling like this blog could be used by God, if He wanted to.  It actually feels more self-indulgent to me to write in this closed circle of safety--where I know I am loved and supported no matter what I write.  I have learned as I get older that it seems like God rarely puts us in safe and cozy places when He desires us to serve Him fully.  So, I'm not saying He was using my blog--but occasionally it seemed like He did, and I loved the thought of it being in His service.

But ANYWAY, it's done, we're private, and it's a brand new year, so I figure I'll just make the most of it for now--which means write about all the things I would want to while it is private, and then always leave myself the option of going back to public down the road. : )

And in the meantime, there is SO MUCH I would love to share with any of you who do stop by.  So my one and only New Year's Resolution this year is to write more again.  Try to make it short and sweet--easier to write, less daunting/snoozeworthy for you to read. ; ) 

(That does not mean I don't have other goals for this year--but they are so much more of the bigger picture that God is showing me that I don't want them to feel like things I'm flippantly resolving to do for a year.  And let me tell you, God has been showing me SO MUCH.)

So I hope you are all doing well, and have started your New Year with fun and family and health and safety and meaning and love and peace. 

Going Private--for my MIL

Some of you are still visiting with some regularity--thank you for caring and still stopping by every now and then, even when I'm not blogging as much!--and already noticed the little announcement at the top of the page.  And those of you who enjoy mega-posts--today you are in luck! Everyone else, you have been warned. ; )  Yes, the day has finally come.  I want to keep blogging, and to be able to share openly about whatever is on my heart and mind--and I want this blog to continue to feel like a safe space in which to do so. 

My main concern of course is my MIL.  When I first started blogging about our relationship, I thought it was healthier to do so with the knowledge that someday she might find the blog, and would then most definitely read it.  That thought gave me some necessary accountability, and really helped me choose my words and focus on the positive when I wrote about her and me.  But, this past Spring I started to write about me and MIL more, and with more detail and negativity.  Not that I think I've been more negative, but I have been more honest about what things have really been like for the past 18 years, which is itself negative--and which makes it all the better for anyone to appreciate how amazing things are now in comparison!  But as a result, I had three women whom I respect privately ask me if I thought it was wise to write so openly, knowing my MIL could find it.  I so appreciated their caring enough to gently question my wisdom and sensitivity.  And I listened.

You know, back when I started writing, things were pretty bad, and I did not share much of it.  What I did share, I figured if it was found by my MIL it might well make her upset (not because I was being untruthful or disrespectful, because I was really being careful not to be either, but just because I was writing about her/us at all--like finding out someone has been talking about you behind your back), but it could maybe then be an impetus for change in our relationship.  Our relationship was already so bad I really had nothing to lose, and she would not have realized then that she did have anything to lose.  So thinking about her finding the blog was a little scary, but I also felt that if it was found someday, it would likely be a relief, and maybe she would finally hear everything I have been thinking, feeling, and trying to share for years.  And maybe it would have helped her step outside of her own headspace for a bit, and help her see what her actions and words looked like from other people's point of view.  In other words, to help her see how unhealthy and sinful our relationship was--because maybe if she did not like what others saw, she would want to change that.

And let me just be brutally honest for a minute--I put up with so much crap over the past 18 years, that part of me was not overly concerned about her feelings.  She was always talking about everyone behind their backs all the time and saying much less hopeful and truthful things than I was, which understandably did not inspire me to be oversensitive to her potential feelings.   

But now. . . things are better. Miraculously so.  Our relationship has improved so much it is hard to believe.  It feels like God did His good work in me for years and years, slowly, with me fighting every step of the way because it hurt and didn't seem fair and I didn't want to do it and what about MY feelings, what about ME?  But He was persistent, and insistent that I change my heart, and grow up in Grace a bit.  He convicted me that He was calling me to LOVE my MIL (not in feelings, but in actions--doing what is loving), and so I have been slowly figuring out what that really means, and learning to depend upon Him to do it through me. 

And then it seems like He started His good work in my MIL at some point (maybe all along--only they know) and we have been seeing real fruit for going on two years now.  I think God had to grow me enough so I would recognize when MIL was growing, trying to be gracious--so I could get out of the way, and be a help and not a hindrance to it!  That does not mean the past 2 years have been all roses and sunshine--no, things have still been painful at times.  But the difference between ten or even six years ago and now is seriously staggering.

The Holy Spirit whispered to me years ago that someday my MIL would look back over the years and realize I had been a friend to her.  It was so hard to believe at the time--that was back when things were terrible, which is one way I know that was a word from God and not just my own imagination.  I could not have imagined it.  But now, things are slowly, slooooooowly starting to move in the direction of us being not just polite to one another (which for years seemed impossible) but even to be companionable with one another.  It will take a long time before anything remotely like friendship is realized--which is why I think the vision the Holy Spirit gave me was when she and I are both much older!--but I think it is now at least imaginable down the road.

Which brings me back to this post now, and the issue of making the blog private.  Before, I did not want to make my blog private just because of MIL, because it would seem like I was doing so out of fear, or from being sneaky--and I would rather my blog have been discovered by MIL than to feel like I was doing either.  But now my heart is in a different place, and I know God has entrusted me with the knowledge of just how fragile this growing relationship is, and that MIL is vulnerable--and I don't at ALL want to do anything to hurt this healing, to set back our growth!

So, I thought about keeping this blog public, but taking down anything having to do with MIL.  Hmmmmm.  There are some posts that never quite sat right with me, which I would be glad to un-publish; but there are too many other bits of our relationship story that are so heavily entwined with my own spiritual growth story, and I don't want to take them out.  God has used my MIL to grow me--as I have always said, jokingly (but not), "Nobody can send me faster to the foot of the cross than that woman!"  And ultimately, that is a good thing.  I believe He has used and is using me to grow her too.  The refining process has not been pretty, but it has so far proven fruitful, and I really and truly want to celebrate that. 

Also, I have had so many women share with me privately that they too have difficult relationships, and suffer in them.  And what I have realized is that lots of us do--but we never talk about it openly, because that would seem like complaining, or gossiping, or being malicious, or even just focusing on the negative, and those of us who are seriously desiring to please God are really trying not to do any of those things.  But this means that a lot of suffering goes on quietly, and women are at a loss for how to handle their feeling and frustrations and fears.  They could really use encouragement from other Christian women who are working through the same things--but since none of them talk about it, they don't realize they are not alone.  So I have always written in the hopes that doing so I might be able to bless someone else--and I think that has happened. 

I have always tried to write with honesty, but also respect for my MIL, and to focus on the positive.  I have been so thankful that in our whole long 18 +  years of relationship, I have never consciously sinned against MIL.  I have not lashed out in anger,  I have not said things in anger I wished I could take back, I have never tried to hurt her, I have never been glad when she was upset or hurt.  I have always tried my best to get along, to keep peace, to speak truth, to do what I can to help healing between us.  I have not done any of these things perfectly--let me say it plainer than that: I have messed up trying to do all of these things well.  BUT I have never knowingly sinned against my MIL. 

Well, to her face that is.  My biggest struggle has always been the sometimes constant thinking negative things about her.  THAT has been a huge issue for me--keeping my thought-life honoring to God.  In my own defense, it is hard to think positive things when you are yourself being force-fed a constant flow of over-the-top negative things.  For many years, I allowed my mind to be given over to the fear and worry and futile and pathetic desire to please and to dwell on all the hurtful and cruel words that had been spoken over me--and for a long time I had no control over my thoughts about my MIL.  I not only dwelled on the negative when I was with her, but when I was not with her too.  I would find myself multiple times a day nursing old wounds, or inventing conversations in which I was the victor and not the victim.  It would especially happen anytime I was doing any housework--since that was one thing that was always used by MIL to assert superiority over me, to point out my inadequacies, to lord bitter triumph over me when I inevitably failed to meet the inspection.  I realized my thought patterns had a terrible, sinful grip on me when I could not even wash the dishes without reliving or imagining negative things involving my MIL at least 20 times.  The negativity was taking over my mind--and that was crippling sin. 

And God is just now showing me another area in which I was sinning against her for all those years--I was nursing a grudge against her.  But both of these issues were not conscious sins against her, and for that I am grateful.

Over the course of many years I worked on changing those negative, sinful ways of thinking about my MIL, with God's wisdom and help, and that's why I was trying to be so careful not to sin against my MIL in what I wrote here in my blog.  I think I succeeded overall, until this past Spring.  I never said so at the time, but I fell into a dark place this past Spring.  Looking back, I see I was slipping into it even in early January, and it lasted until May.  Even after the big hold the darkness had on me was broken by God's mercy, the emotional and psychological effects of it lingered until just a few weeks ago. I think I am truly out from under it now--praise be to our Good Lord Jesus for delivering me--and I can look back now and see how I was a different person in some ways during that time.  I hid it somewhat well from the outside world, but one thing I noticed was that I was becoming more frank about how things were with my MIL here on my blog, and I was starting to write with more complaint and almost a tattling spirit.  I think I was so emotionally stricken that I stopped caring about writing carefully.  I still don't know if that ventured over into sin. . . . Was that gossip?  Was that slander?  Is it gossip anytime we mention someone else in our stories?  Is it sinful to be vulnerable in our hurting?   But I do know that it was not focusing on the positive, and was not written with the previous desire to be respectful.  I was walking wounded, and wrote out of that woundedness.

I am so thankful now that I feel healed.  Possibly in a really big, life-changing way--time will tell.  I think where I am now is an even a better place for growing in relationship with MIL.  So I want to be loving and respectful to her in anything I write.  But I also want the freedom to write my story--our story--as I feel led. 

So, it's time to make the blog private.  I realize that since I have been so sporadic in my blogging since last Spring there is a good chance that there are only a few of you still reading.  That's ok--it's good for my pride. It also makes it easier to not worry that I am depriving an appreciative world of the wealth of my insight.   (Typical blogger folly = assuming I have things to say, and everyone cares if I do or not! ; )  But those of you who are still around, I think I will need to add you manually to the approved reader list.  (Jessica, please do share any advice you have for me about this, since you have done it before.)   I do not want to assume any of you previous readers still want to be reading, so I will not add you unless you request (except for you, Mom ; )  So would you please email me at the address above (which I have added spaces to, to keep trolling spam programs from grabbing it--hope that works) if you would like me to add you?

My feelings will not be hurt if I don't get many requests.  This has never been a blog with a large readership, and now most of my old readers have moved on.  I started this blog simply as a way of sharing life with my mother, my best friend Susan, and my sisters.  Any of you who have joined my journey along the way--thank you for sharing some of it, and your presence has been a blessing to me. 

Much love to you all!

Blessed
 

Mulligan Stew--it's a party!

I just want to take a moment and encourage anyone still coming by my blog to please go to Julia's blog to read about the latest "Mulligan Stew" she is hosting to benefit special-needs orphans.  You can read all about it here.

Let me tell you why this giveaway is so close to my heart:

--Special needs people are often looked down upon in any culture for being culturally "on the fringe" of acceptability.  You know what I mean.  All people are uncomfortable with the unknown, and most of us don't get to interact with people with disabilities all that much, so when we are with them we aren't sure how to act, what to think. 

--Special needs people in some cultures are viewed so negatively and ignorantly that they are locked away in institutions as infants because of their differences--and unless they are adopted, will spend the rest of their lives there. 

--Another way to say that:  they will die there.  How soon before they die there is really the only variable.

--We cannot fully comprehend what life is like for those kids.  But if you have twelve minutes, please watch the video linked to this post and you will have a pretty good feel.  You will also hear the pain in the voices of a family who loved a boy from one of those institutions, who were on their way to officially being his parents, but who did not make it in time.  Due to lack of love and care, their son died only months before he would have been rescued.

--So you have orphans.  That's rough enough; they are pretty low in the hierarchy of who the world deems is valuable.  Under them come special-needs orphans.  And under them, at the very bottom of the whole heap, crushed and suffocated by the burden of unlove the world places on them, are the "Lost" children, those who are condemned for life death in conditions we would expect to see in a prison story set in the dark ages. 

--Julia's heart is for these "Lost" children--the most very "least of these" we could imagine.  Those are the children who will benefit from your participation in the giveaway.  Some of them have families coming to get them; some of them languish in unlove, moving ever closer to the age at which they will be unadoptable and will be sentenced to miserable lives deaths in those institutions.

So!  I know some of you who come by and read this blog also have big hearts, and care about helping those in need.  I know some of you take your Christian faith seriously, and would see this as another chance to obey God in "caring for orphans and widows in their distress."  And I know pretty much all of you would enjoy a chance to win a fabulous prize!  And let me tell you, there are some REALLY great prizes to be given away!  I even donated one. : )

(Last Fall I made a donation and entered the giveaway to help the Salem family bring home Hasya and Kael.  And I was so surprised that I won a $100 Target giftcard!  Whoo-hoo!  I was a little worried about money last fall, so it seemed like such a gift from God, which I could use for Christmas gifts.  Well, all circumstances working together, I did not end up doing so.  Then a month or so ago I decided to make a special trip to Target just because I needed some things I could get there, and I thought I should use the card before I lost it.  After getting to the cash register, I could not find the card!  But upon getting home, immediately remembered where I had stuck it in my purse--for safekeeping.   I started to wonder if the card was meant for me, or if it was meant to be passed on, to increase its giving--and when I saw this post of Julia's, I knew what the answer was.  So, in honor of Darren, I gladly offered it to Julia.  It's a special card, even *signed* by the fabulous Adeye, who I know would be so glad to know how the blessing just keeps going on. : )

So please go see!  Please look at the faces of the children who would be blessed by you.  Please donate and spread the love however you feel led.  Even $5 is something.  Don't forget, what matters is whatever we do. 

Whatever we do.

If you have a blog, please consider sharing!  You can copy the Mulligan Stew button and put on your blog, or link the post it takes you to facebook, email to friends--however you want to get the word out. 

All those fabulous prizes mean a LOT of people have given generously, so that the giving might be multiplied.  I hope you will help make sure the Mulligan Stew leaves all the families and children at the table filled to overflowing with love!

Much love to you all this week.



 

More boot advice requested!

Ok,  I am serious.  I want to choose and be done. 

I so appreciated the comments Susan and Jessica left to my last boot post--really helped me think through that round.  I realized, thanks to Susan, that I likely don't want to have my jeans flapping around my ankles when it is raining, so I might naturally chose clothes on rainy days that are perfectly compatible with tall boots.  Looking back, I think this is true, so am running with this idea, to help me eliminate one factor in the decision making. 

I am trying two boots.  I want to keep one of these.  You help me decide!

First is one of the boots I tried before, but making sure I have the right size:

Merrell Captiva Strap

They are basic, go well with my clothes, are nicely made, and are flattering.  Maybe a wee bit on the boring side, but still attractive.  They can dress up or down. They do not call attention to themselves.  They are steampunk compatible, on the more classical end of the spectrum, which is where I fall.  In the size that fit I would not be wearing my thickest socks.  These are quite logical boots to get.


Second is a boot Minnie Zephie blogged about here, which kinda grew on me:

Sorel Slimpack Riding

These are so different.  They are unusual, and edgy, and call attention to themselves.  They are fun to have on. I can actually tuck my jeans into these, but it looks funny, so would likely just wear them with leggings.  They are not as flattering to the leg as the Merrells, but that is somewhat mitigated by wearing leggings with them.  They looked fine with my clothes.  They were really comfortable--felt like wearing galoshes.  They fit my thickest socks. They feel like me on the inside, but I am not sure they match the me on the outside.    They might be too youthful for me.  They would not look right for dressing up (I could wear them to church, but only with certain outfits).  I got to show them to Becky, and she liked them, but wondered if they were too clearly foul-weather boots and not something you would want to wear around town on fine weather days.  They are steampunk compatible, but definitely on the "punk" end of the spectrum.

So, this is why I need your help!  Please leave a comment with your opinion.  I value them all, the honest but gentle ones the most. : )

Boots again! Fashion opinions solicited!

So, some of you might remember last year at this time, when I wrote about looking for a pair of new, every-day winter boots.

I still don't have any.

Let me explain.  (Because I have a long-drawn out story for every topic.)

You see, Fall is somehow always my busiest time of the year, and so when MIL emailed with her sweet offer of getting me boots, I was delighted, and immediately started looking--but just didn't have much free time to do so, and had to even figure out what I really wanted in a boot to begin with.  So I looked and looked and thought and thought, and think now, one year later, I am finally ready to choose a pair.

I know.  I take some things just a little too seriously.

But really--good boots are a lot of money!  So if I am going to throw down a couple hundred bucks on boots (or ask MIL to), they had better meet all my needs, look great, and make me happy when I look at my feet.  (And if they are subtly Steampunk, that's the icing on the cake ; ).  I only have so much room in my closet, and certainly don't want a pair of boots dominating the real-estate if they are not worth it.  So it was important to me to research carefully, to find something that would meet my needs and that I would be happy with for a long time.

Here's the funny part--here in CA, winter weather means cold rain.  Guess what I have worn for at least the PAST FOUR YEARS for rainy-day winter gear? 

Without socks, because of course they would get wet.  So for FOUR YEARS I have had cold, wet feet all winter long as I was out and about--but it was kinda practical because they would dry fairly quickly once I was indoors.  And I would carry a pair of socks with me in my purse, so if I went to a friend's house, for example, I would slip on the socks when I got there and my feet dried off and then I would be warm and cozy.

Clearly not an ideal situation, though.

Now, I *did* have a pair of boots, from when we lived in CO, that I wore for years and years.  At first I wore them almost daily in the winter, then when the weather necessitated them, then got to the point when I only wore them to church and when we visited my in-laws, since those are the times bare feet in wet crocs will get you really weird looks and negative comments.  But those boots were not waterproof, and they were ugly.  No, really, I thought they were ugly when I bought them in Colorado about 12 years ago--but at the time I was just beginning teaching at the U of CO, Denver, and needed a pair of good winter boots that would get me through the snow but also be attractive enough to wear in the classroom.  I could not find any I liked, but needed something, so I settled on an ugly pair that met the basic needs.  They were kind of like black lace-up combat boots, except not nearly as cool; something about the toe shape was just a little too conservative, and they had a pebbly texture that was not my favorite.  They cost me something like $50 and at the time I thought that was a LOT of money.  So I wore those ugly, utilitarian black boots for twelve years, and frankly--to my disappointment--they were holding up great and probably could have lasted another twelve.  But when I realized last year that I had long been chosing to have cold, wet bare feet over wearing those boots--I decided I had gotten my money's worth out of them and could justify having a pair that was actually waterproof and that I liked. 

So I gave them to Goodwill.   I hate holding on to things I don't even like--that was so fun and liberating!  Release them to the world, to let them go bless someone else.  : )

And now, with my Dear Husband's blessing, I get to pick out new waterproof boots that I will actually like and wear!

Best of all, MIL offered AGAIN to buy me a pair for my birthday!  Whoo-hoo!

I spent last week making sure I knew what was out there, so knew what my options were, and just ordered some to try from Zappos.  It was soooooooo fun going back to my old posts about Steampunky winter boots and choosing some to try.  But I had to be practical and make sure I was getting boots that were actually waterproof (not just cool-looking) and boots that would work with the clothes I already own (and not some fantasy wardrobe that lives in my head).

Here are the ones I tried, and how it went:

The North Face Camryn

These were attractive enough, and very nicely made, but frankly nothing special.  They were also half a size too small, at least, I could not even get my foot in them.

Merrell Captiva High

These were cuter, and also nicely made, but also too small.

Merrell Captiva Strap

These were my favorite of the tall boots.  They were sized much better, and they were quite comfortable in my regular shoe size, albeit with a medium weight sock (I am kicking myself that I did not think to put on my usual thickness of winter socks to see how that affected the fit).  They fit me perfectly at the ankle and the calf, and looked soooooooo cute.  And in this color they are totally neo-Steampunk.  And part of the reason I really like the svelte ankle design is that I have thin legs but rather stumpy ankles--it was a thrill to see boots that actually made my ankles look attractive. ; )

The North Face Bryn

These boots were my second favorite.  They too were well made and comfortable (in those medium weight socks at least), and absolutely adorable, esp. in this "weimerander" color.  The color is not as Steampunk, and would not complement my wardrobe quite as well, but they are still neutral (so in theory would go with anything) and the color was just so perfect for the design I would probably not like them as well in a different color.  BUT I found they do some in a more classic steampunk brown at the company website.  So that would in theory be an option.

I tried all those high boots just because they are SO DARN CUTE and because I wanted to.  They are all waterproof leather, well-made, and some of them are not even overly expensive (you can find them cheaper at other sites than Zappos, but I love to use Zappos for trying things because they are so great and fast with free shipping and returns.  So if I find what I want elsewhere for a much better price, I will return to Zappos and reorder them from the cheaper place, factoring in shipping in the price of course; but over the years I have bought enough from Zappos for my husband and kids that I don't feel like I am taking advantage of their generous try-them-out-on-us policies).  But the problem with those cute high boots is that they are not as practical with my current wardrobe.  They work best with leggings, tights, and skinny jeans. 

I do wear leggings sometimes, and would be glad to wear tights and skirts with them--but my skirts are mostly full and long, and that's not what I tend to reach for on a rainy day, you know?  I do not own skinny jeans--I am thin overall, but proportionally hippy, so the skinny jeans I try just don't fit at all--if they fit my hips they are too baggy in the butt and/or too loose in the waist.  And I imagine even I did find a pair that fit right, it would accentuate those hips and not in a good way.  So, I am a boot-cut jean gal--I don't care if that style is no longer the trend, they look good on my shape.  BUT as you can imagine, you can't wear high boots with those kinds of jeans.  Even if you can get the leg of the jeans over the boots, they make the jean leg stick out all funny where the top of the boot is.

So, already knowing that would be an issue, I tried the only other pairs of even remotely steampunky waterproof leather boots on Zappos:

Pikolinos Le Mans ii

Except I realized after I ordered them that these two pairs of Pikolinos are not truly waterproof; they are waterproof treated, which would be better than what I already have, but not as good as I would want.  Also, Pikolinos are expensive because they are very well made shoes--but still, if I can get a pair that is truly waterproof and cute for less $. . . it just does not seem to make sense to pay for anything less than what will meet my need.

But both of these boots were so comfortable the moment I put them on.  The black pair did shift a little when I walked, and I am not sure if that would be a problem during actual use or not. (I remember as a kid having rain/winter boots that lefted at the ankle subtly as I walked and tugged at the heel of my socks as it did, so that by the time I had walked to school the socks were bunched uncomfortably under the arch of my foot.  I have no intentions of going there with any of these boots!)  I liked the tread of the black boots best--seemed would give the best traction on slippery sidewalks--but the brown pair fit my ankles PERFECTLY and were so perfect under regular jeans--you never saw the top of the boot competing with the leg of the jean, even when walking and bending the leg. 

Pikolinos Brujas

I also liked the low buckle detail, which peeked out from under the jean hem--I am not a fan of boots that are completely boring when you just see the toe and heel under long jeans.  But the main issue with these is that they are not truly waterproof, so I sent them back too.

Which leads me to the final pair I tried, and which I thought was the winner:

La Canadienne Camilla

Waterproof leather.  Very nicely made.  Good traction on the heel.  Comfortable with medium-weight socks.  Nice ankle shape that works well with the jeans I own.  Attractive suede and buckle.  They look boring when mostly hidden by jeans, but look cute with leggings and skirts.  They are a brand I have grown to admire and which I believe will serve me well for many years to come.  They were also the most expensive of the bunch, by far, but I really wanted to try them, so I did.  And I really liked them. 

And then I found them for almost half the price, in last year's version:

And I like the smooth leather almost as well, and it is a tad more steampunk just by the leather tone.  Score!  So I showed them to MIL, she approved, she gave me the money for them, I returned all those boots to Zappos and ordered these--and actually found the best price on Amazon.com, so I still got free shipping AND used reward points I had been accumulating from my credit card all year so that THE BOOTS WERE TECHNICALLY FREE.

Yippeeee!

But then they arrived yesterday, and I wanted to cry.  Because I excitedly put them on--and the boots were too narrow on my left foot, actually squeezing the bones and hurting.  What the. . .?!  Then I realized I was wearing my heaviest weight winter socks.  They are not THAT much thicker than my medium-weight socks, and I have several pairs of these that I love to pull out when the weather is cold and wet--but they are just thick enough to hurt with these boots.  Now I am kicking myself that I did not try on the boots with my heaviest socks in the beginning. . . and it is also likely that this pair of boots is built just a hair more narrow than the others, since they are different seasons and different leathers. . . . but I switched socks and the boots immediately felt more comfortable. 

But now I don't know what to do.  Here is my dilemna:

--I think the boots are wearable with the medium-weight sock, which is an acceptable compromise; but I still feel like the left foot does not quite have the room it should.  It is not at all painful with the thinner socks, but feels snug. I would likely be able to wear them just fine. . . but what if I try them out and about and they start to hurt after a few hours?  That is my fear.  Because then I would not be able to return them, and the goal of this pair of boots is that I can just slip them on and wear them all day running around town on any given winter day.  They HAVE to be comfortable. 

--Then again, with a little breaking in, these boots might end up being totally fine, for all day wear. I might not be able to wear those thick socks, but I need some new socks anyway, so will just get more medium weight and save the thick for cozy-at-home wear.

--Amazon will take the boots back, but I can't exchange for the next size up because it is unavailable.

--I would have to make a straight return, and I am afraid I will lose those reward points in the process.  (maybe not, but things like this have happened before--and I might not know until after I make the return. . . if I don't have to take the chance I would rather not.)

--Since the boots ended up being FREE, with the use of those reward points, and since MIL gave me money for the boots, I actually have the freedom to try these and see if they work, and can get a different pair later if I need to. . . (and I am sure I could re-sell them on eBay and get a decent bit back even if they are worn. . . )

--Or I could even go ahead and get one of the tall boots I tried and really liked, because I know I would wear them and like them, and then I would have an acceptable pair that work with my jeans and a fabulous pair that work with everything else. . . Also, I do not have any  nice black shoes at all for cold weather, so maybe should get a pair of black boots/shoes, and maybe one of these pairs of tall boots I liked I would like just as much in black and would well meet that wardrobe desire. . .

--I don't have much room in my closet, esp. not for multiple pairs of boots (and it is really ironic to go from having no boots at all to having multiple pairs) but it would be worth it not to be spending any more time or energy thinking about finding the *perfect* pair of boots.  Don't get me wrong, it has been very fun to look at boots, and imagine what boots would work with my clothes best, what boots are practical and yet a wee bit steampunk. . . I have thoroughly enjoyed the process.  But the rainy season has begun, and I just want to have a pair of boots now, darn it!

And last night I even dreamed about boots.  In my dream, I had found two pairs of leather boots that I had "forgotten about" tucked away in storage.  They were both kinda Dr. Marten style, pretty clunky and tough, and one pair was tall and the other one was a low pull on. The tall pair was green.  The low pull-on pair was red.  They both had black clunky soles and black detailing.  They were actually much more like something I would have liked in college than anything I would wear now.  But I remember the feeling in the dream of being SO HAPPY just because I had a pair of waterproof winter boots and did not have to worry about it anymore.

Which means it is time to get this all resolved and end the drama. 

This is where I need all of you!  PLEASE leave feedback and let me know your opinion!  I am specifically trying to decide:

--what to do about keeping or trying to return the "Camilla" boots I got.

--whether or not I should get a tall pair of boots, either instead of the "Camilla" boots, or in addition to.

If I decide to get a tall pair of boots, then I will be soliciting more advice on which ones.  But these two questions seem like the logical first to address. 

I formally solicit your advice!  Please be liberal with your words and helpful intentions.  Remember this is all about a pair of casual, practical, every-day winter/wet weather boots.

(After we decide this issue, I'll gladly tell you all about the dressy boot success I had earlier in the year, which I have been meaning to share for a long time!)

Thank you all! I look forward to your comments.

Monday #1: crying and praying (will you join me?)

Dear friends and readers, if you are praying people, would you please consider these needs that are breaking my heart this morning?

Fellow blog mom Julia just wrote about three needs, the first of which I had been following, but the last two new to me, and so grievous.  The first is little Connor, recently adopted by Lorraine over at All Are Precious In His Sight, who was rushed to the hospital last week and who has finally been diagnosed with salmonella in his bloodstream.  This poor little guy, who was so neglected in the orphanage, has finally found a loving family and is starting to grow and thrive, but now is in dire physical state. 

Second are things happening involving orphans in a part of Easten Europe in a region where the officials are corrupt and hard-hearted and don't want the children to be adopted.  Julia's post gives some details, but the bottom line is that the immediate fates of three children now hang in the balance.  One is a little boy whose family is there to adopt him--and might be turned away!  The other two Julia advocated for in this post.  Please follow that link to see the faces of the sweet boys who are so adoptable, that desperately want families, who have a good chance of getting them, unless the officials in charge of adoptions in their regions refuse to let them go.  Friends, I am so not someone who sees Satan lurking behind every misfortune or hindrance, but there are times when evil forces seem to be so apparent, I can almost feel them or see them at work.  After reading so many adoption stories over the years, there are so many times when it seems like Satan is viciously, creatively, methodically at work.  Esp. there are areas of the world that seem to be more prone to evil forces, places where humans do everything in their power to mistreat unwanted children and keep Love from coming in and changing lives for the better.  Places Christians come home from and tell about a spiritual heaviness and best-laid-plans continually, perversely going awry.  The trouble is so prevalent, so consistent in different families' stories, that patterns seem to emerge.  Parts of Eastern Europe--and other places in the world--seem to be under darkness, and for whatever reason God is allowing evil to rein for a short while. 

Third is a tragedy that just befell the son of a woman who is devoted to helping rescue those same orphans--and the timing just does not seem a coincidence. How thorough and creative Satan can be, in his efforts to tear apart families and thwart the spread of love.  This is from Julia's post:

From my friend Renee EMERGENCY PRAYER REQUEST: Please repost- we need every prayer warrior we know praying- our very wonderful facilitator, who has been helping us navigate this tricky adoption and fighting for our ability to adopt C in addition to M & R- her only son, just a preteen, fell out of a tree yesterday in a remote village in our region and was knocked unconscious- it split his head open. He was transported to the hospital here in region- very very bad, the only decent hospital is many hours drive away across bumpy bad road to the capitol city- here in region he had a "Craniostomy" if I heard correctly- some type of brain surgery. He has not still regained consciousness and the doctors can not say at this point if he will even live, much less if he will ever regain full function. It is literally life and death!!!!!! The hospitals are so bad here that the US EMbassy recommends an emergency evacuation to Germany if you get sick- yet this boy had surgery here in region :( :( :( It literally will take a miracle for this child to live- please please please join me in prayer, call your churches, call your prayer chains in your school groups- his name is Nikita- he is their pride and joy, a wonderful young man. We were with them all day yesterday, it happened while he was at a relatives. I just got a call from our sweet facilitator from Emma's adoption begging us to pray- they know our GOD works miracles.

HELP HELP HELP!!!!!!!

Oh, but Lord, please raise up your body of believers to cry out against evil, to raise up those who are trying to be lights in those dark regions.  Please let yourself be glorified through the miraculous overcoming of evil--do not let those corrupt officials  have their way and keep these children doomed to a life of neglect and imprisonment.  Please do not let the Deceiver use this young man's life as one more tool to thwart the rescue of these and other orphans.  Please save his life, and prove that it does not matter how badly one is hurt or how terrible the hospital is, that YOU are the Great Physician and can overcome anything to heal, to repair, to restore.  We have seen you work miracles over and over to rescue children in your name--I plead with you to not let these children be casualties of Darkness.  Please change the hearts of the officials to make them set these children free, and the other children under their "care" in this region.  Please heal this damaged young man, completely.  Please do these things in such a way that everyone who witnesses them and hears about them sees fully that you did them--that you stretched out your hand and acted according to your unfailing love and mercy and justice and goodness. 

Friends, I know these things about God are true--I have seen over and over in my life that He is real, He is active in the world today, He hears, He cares, He responds to the prayers of those who love Him and call upon His name.  I know we cannot comprehend His ways, and so how He chooses to heal, to save, to redeem might not look good to us--might not be the way we want it to end up.  But this morning, I am praying for how I do want it to end up, trusting that He will allow it if it is Good and will do otherwise if His way is Better.

Oh, Lord, show  yourself in these stories!  Pour out your love upon these people, who spend every day working for love, sacrificing for love, trusting you in everything.  Please hear our prayers and answer out of your Might, your Grace, your Faithfulness.

Better Mommy Blogs #2: welcome to my brain

My so thoughtful sister sent me lots of great photos last night--yay!--and so with those and mom's I will work on the family fest wrap-up later today.  Betcha can't WAIT for that.  Well, betcha you can't see what I look like when I'm cold and worn out and my hair is a billowing mess, like in too many of the photos mom and Rebecca gave me.  Well, I still love the photos, for the slice of life they represent, and the good family fun they show we had!  But they may not make their appearance on this blog.  But they just may show up in the annual Christmas calendar Rebecca makes and gives as gifts every year, so my pride may yet take its fall. 

(Jessica, if I post one of the hair-mess photos, you will immediately be even more content with your hair-covering. ; )

But in the meantime, I wanted to share a couple of more recent posts from some of the blogs that help make me a better mommy.  Today's two posts are from the blog Welcome to My Brain, at which author and "Trauma-Mama" Christine writes about everything from healthy food to hoola-hooping to RAD to adoption to choosing to love those the world tells us are not worth much.  That last category is probably the one that God has used to nudge my spirit most often this past year, but her parenting tips are also invaluable.  Now, keep in mind these blogs I am featuring are by parents who are trying to nurture children who have been traumatized by early abuse and neglect, by adoption, who have Reactive Attachment Disorder and/or Fetal Alchohol Spectrum Disorder, Sensory Processing Disorders and who knows what else.  So to parent their kids in the best way to address those issues, they do things that don't fit what most of us would consider a normal parenting paradigm, like what Lisa wrote about in the post I linked to yesterday.  Some of what these parents do is so heart-wrenching in how they keep extending love and grace even when the kid is doing everything possible to twist it all back into hate and ugly that they then use as self-defense against the parents' love.  That's the heart of RAD--the more the parent loves, the more the kid is threatened, so the more the kid lashes out to hurt the parent.  (Here is an article Christine linked from her blog recently that explains one aspect of this well.) But some of these parents manage to keep on giving the love, and some of their kids start to heal.  Most of these parenting tips I have found to be just as applicable to my own kids, and they help remind me to engage with my child, not just react to the behavior I don't like. 

And then some of the other parenting strategies I have learned about this past year go the other way--not extending love and grace in a gentle theraputic way when the kid is hurting, but using humor and light-heartedness to help keep the trauma in control and in perspective.  As Christine says, they often have to "out-crazy the crazy."  And these are some of the BEST parenting ideas--useful to any of us mommies of neuro-typical kids when it is late in the day and the kids are crabby and start whining and fighting!

So, two pieces from Christine's blog.  First, a piece she shared the other day about something pretty much all moms struggle with--the balance between being "selfish" and giving priority to ourselves, esp. taking necessary time out for ourselves:

I'm happy to be teaching my kids such a valuable lesson, and living out how to make that possible ... and good:

I am important. My passions, my interests, my thoughts, my creativity, my doubts, my answers, my desires, my growth, my fun.

Important.

Vital.

Not more important. Not more vital.

But certainly not less.


What a lie we tell ourselves, and let our current parenting culture tell us, that somehow we are being a bad mommy for wanting to be away from our kids sometimes, and for taking time out for ourselves, even daily.  I remember reading somewhere years ago about how we mommies need to take care of ourselves before (i.e. so that) we can take good care of our families--like how the airline safety demonstrations show parents to put on their own oxygen mask before putting them their kids.  Why?  Because if the parents' aren't breathing, the kids are pretty much screwed.  When I first read that anology, it made perfect sense--and yet over the years I have still struggled with the guilt of being "selfish" in taking time out and treating myself.  There is a balance that is heathy and good--and telling myself/my family that my needs don't matter is certainly neither healthy nor good.
 
Second, one of the "out-crazy the crazy" posts, that made me LAUGH.  I am SO trying this at home, kids. 

It's Like Love Incarnate

(you MUST listen to the music to get the full effect)

And it works. The kids are gearing up and getting whiney and fighting, this is in my head, and my heart finds a chuckle and that helps me help the kids move past the yucky with grace a humor!  My kids listen to and respond to a mommy who can laugh.

Hmmmm. Now I am thinking I'll have to post one of those terrible-hair photos, just to prove I can laugh.  : )

Unmarked Keys

One of my fellow blog Moms, Kari of Coffee Catharsis just wrote a very important piece that I want all of you who stop by here to read too.  In fact, her piece is so eloquent and so heart-altering that I am copying the whole thing here, just in case you might not click on the link and read it on her blog.  Kari and her husband have four older bio children and two younger adopted, nicknamed Java and Bean.  Java and Bean both have Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD), which means their fetal brains were damaged by alcohol, and so they don't process information the same way neuro-typical brains do.  FASD is not well known in our culture, and so it is hard for a parent like Kari to see her children struggle in a world that does not know how to be compassionate to what it does not understand. 

Unmarked Keys

I read one of the best descriptions of FASD recently. It was from a mom who belongs to an email list I am on. She has a son with FASD whose IQ tests at 120 but his functional / adaptive skills are at 60. She wrote...

He is a great library of knowledge with all the doors locked and the keys unmarked.

Yesterday morning, just as we were preparing to leave for church, Java had a "can't find the keys" moment. I had asked her to hurry up and finish her breakfast and I walked to the next room to find my purse. Suddenly Java screamed like she had just been attacked so I went to the doorway to see what had happened. I saw Java with a large blob of ketchup on her bottom lip and it was about to drip to her dress or the floor. (We often have leftover supper food for breakfast in case you're wondering about the ketchup thing.)

Her face showed sheer panic and her body was initially frozen but before I could say anything she started flapping her arms, and her wooden sandal, which had been on her right foot, came whizzing by my head.

Java has wiped her mouth with a napkin thousands of times in her lifetime. We, her parents, taught her that skill, thankyouverymuch. However, when she needed the information most, when she was most distraught about a situation involving food on her face, she couldn't find the key for the door in her brain where that information was locked!

(*Java and Bean were both casein exposed on Saturday because of my stupidity and I know that this negatively affects her brain's processing ability. I'll write more about that another time.)

What the world sees: a child without even basic table manners who reacts with violence.

What the world concludes: brat- created by poor parenting.

It is easy for parents of neuro-typical children who have organized, unlocked libraries in their brains to judge others in their hearts. I should know. I once prayed that Pharisee prayer for parents:

Lord, I thank thee that my children do not behave as those children do. I taught my children manners. I taught them to obey. I raised them up in the way they should go and now they are fine, upstanding little Christians.

It was only after I became a mother to other people's children, people who had struggles in life far beyond any I had ever faced and whose burdens I now helped carry, that I learned how to pray from my heart instead of my ego.

When you walk with children and in and among families who have endured generations of abuse, neglect, mental illness and substance use, it changes your heart. It changes everything.

You no longer have the answers that once seemed so simple.

So yesterday as we sat in church right after the shoe incident, I found myself praying for mercy as the broken, sinful Publican. My prayer didn't even have words because at that moment I was like my daughter...standing with the keys in my hands but no clue how to open that door. Thankfully my Savior opened it for me.

love to hear from you!

Well, my dear friends and family, it is always fun to see what posts spark people's interest and lead to comments.  I loved hearing what you are all working on this week!  But either Blogger is still having issues or our computer is struggling with cookies or something, because for several days now I can't leave comments on some blogs.  Not all of them, just some.  And I found out just now that mine is one of them!  How bizarre is that?  So here are my comments to that last post, just so you all know I read and appreciate them:

Susan, I am sure Luke will appreciate the "new" office when you are all done--for all the time he spends down there, your efforts are really worthwhile! I hear you about the old meds. Ugh. I am very sorry you have to do it, but surely it will feel good to have it gone. You have better things around with better memories.
Thanks for sharing your purging!

Stacy, hermit crab cages count.  And do write about your further purging on your own blog when you get it done--I will celebrate with you!

Gabe, I am so sorry you have so much to do, and we are just too far apart from eachother for me to offer to be helpful. : (  I will pray all goes well with all those things you mentioned--all big deals in themselves, rather overwhelming to consider all at once!  Esp. the baby and moving--I packed up and moved out here to CA when I was 8 mo. pregnant, so you have my full sympathy.  In, fact I am praying now, and will continue to do so until I hear otherwise!  Oh, and YAY on the leggos!!!!! 

Mom, I love it that you and Dad are enjoying the blessings of giving on freecycle--it feels so good, and I get a smile from thinking of you two being blessed as you bless others. : )  Don't worry, I am actually not stressing about your visit--you and Dad have seen our house at its very worst, when we first saw it!  But it is more that improvements have been going v.e.r.y. s.l.o.w.l.y. in the past couple of years, and so this visit--esp. Rebecca and her girls making what will probably be their *only* visit out here--is a really good excuse for getting us going.  All the things we are trying to do are things that we have been wanting to do for YEARS.  Might as well see what we can do before you come!

And YAY about Ligia!  : )

Rebecca, like I just said to Mom, your visit is an excuse.  I am so looking forward to you coming, and am not at all stressed about you seeing the house--it will be what it will be (but hopefully that will be better than it currently is!).  I am working on the bathroom door!!!  Have picked out the door hardware, just need to finalize the measurements and get it ordered--hope it comes in time for us to build the door and install it!  (or maybe we can put Dad to work the first day he arrives--hate to do that, but he might be just as eager as me to do it. ; )

By Rustica Hardware, a mom and pop shop in Utah

And Rebecca, it sounds like you have a LOT to do!  I hope you have a nice break without kids this next month, and get lots done.  I hear you about feeling guilty for working on your garage when so many people don't have houses [readers, Rebecca lives in Tuscaloosa, AL where they just had that terrible tornado a few weeks back] but what a perfect time to do it--every moment you will be thinking of your blessings and being thankful instead of grumbling about having to do it! 

OK, now I'm off to drop off some freecycle myself and go buy some flowers for my garden!  Gotta get those hanging pots full of beauty and back up in their places!

(It just occurred to me, Rebecca, that it is a little weird me telling you all the things I am doing to fix up my house before you see it--normally we do so but try to pretend that it has been like this forever So when you do come, just pretend the clean and neat house (as much as it will be) represents the way we really live, and not just when we have company.  ; )

All of you reading, thanks for stopping by!  But thanks even more for sharing a little bit of yourselves with me--that adds the girlfriend element I love!  Have a great day, however you are spending it.

Week of Blogging Day Seven: Dancing again

Hello my dear readers!

I made it!  Seven posts in seven days--fun, and it TOTALLY woke up my brain, in a good way.  I have been finding words again, and that feels so good. I mean, talking with Becky yesterday I actually said the word "incongruous" and it even sorta made sense in context.  But of course immediately after I said it, with some sense of triumph, I had to pause and ask her, is that a word?  So the brain is grinding back to life, but haltingly.

Some of you might have noticed too how I was squeaking in most of those posts at the eleventh hour--literally.  Ah, well, so the blogging did not happen during decent hours, but it happened, and was good for me, and was fun.  And now it will be back to the normal, completely random and often infrequent posting schedule.

This morning it is actually pretty fun to find myself, one week from the start of this blogging fest, in pretty much the same place heart-wise as I began.  I'm a little tired today--stayed up too late but did not get to sleep in, kids also tired (they have been staying up too late too, but at least for good reasons, like Daddy reading an exciting school book to them) and so we are all having to work to be gentle and patient in word and spirit with one another.  But that's ok, because my heart is singing anyway--just am feeling so loved by the ever-present, ever-faithful God, here where I am in all life's and my imperfections.

And I stumbled upon a certain song this morning, that I have not heard in a while, which led to more songs, which led to dancing.  I would love to share some with you.

Rich Mullins, thank you.  Image found here

So here are the songs of my heart today, all of them by the late Rich Mullins, dedicated to Susan (who also can't keep from singing), Becky (who shares longings of my heart), and Jessica (who also dances):


If I Stand

And there's a loyalty that's deeper
Than mere sentiments
And a music higher than the songs
That I can sing
The stuff of Earth competes
For the allegiance
I owe only to the giver
Of all good things

So if I stand let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can't, let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home


Ready For the Storm

And when You take me by the hand
And You love me, Lord, You love me
And I should have realized
I had no reasons to be frightened
Oh I am ready for the storm
Yes sir ready
I am ready for the storm


Creed

An Apostles' Creed you can dance to! And with my beloved hammer dulcimer no less. What's not to love?


Step by Step (live)

"God takes the junk of our lives and he makes the greatest art in the world out of it. . . "

I will seek you in the morning,
And I will learn to walk in your ways,
And step by step you'll lead me,
And I will follow you all of my days.

Week of Blogging Day 1: LOVE me some Jesus

My dear readers, whomever of you have patiently hung around to see if I would ever post again! 

Let's just say, life the past several months has not been usual.  Lingering illness, glycemic issues and food experiments, crazy CRAZY school life, feeling most of the time that I am barely keeping my head above water. 

I think I am not the only one going through such a phase--Stacy, I'm thinking of you--and most of my in-town friends have been dealing with similar things. 

But it is over!!!!!  Officially as of last Saturday afternoon, and for sure this upcoming Sunday.  I have been wanting to share so many things with you all for the past couple of months, and have a handful of abandoned, half-finished posts waiting for attention, and a head and heart full of things I can't wait to tell you about.  Some silly, some beautiful, some probably stupid and writing them will be more like purging the mental cache than adding something meaningful to the world. . . but I'm not going to think about that, I'm just going to make a goal of blogging EVERY DAY for the next week.  Starting today, Weds.  Which my "neat-package" brain does not like (Monday is of course the appropriate day to begin a week of anything), BUT anyone who knows FlyLady knows Wednesday is Anti-Procrastination Day, and so thus the perfect day to start a delayed week of anything. ; )

So I'm going to jump in right where I am, and share what's in my heart and mind this morning--those old posts I will finish when I can and you all will just have to follow the jumps in time and sequence.  This is, of course, no demand.  But those of you who seem to like my ramblings, if you have some free time and a cup of your favorite hot beverage, please stop by for some girlfriend time!  There just might be some tidbit that gives you a smile or a boost. 

Oh, and I want you all to know that I pray for you!  My dear readers--family, friends, blog-friends, regulars, lurkers--I find myself thinking about you all at various times of the week (usually in the shower, or washing dishes, for some reason, and when I can't sleep at night), and I pray for you.  And sometimes I learn one of you have been praying for me--thank you!  By all means, let's spread the love!

And that's what I have to write about this morning.  Several of you have asked if I ever got to have Teatime with Jesus.  Yes, I did, (English breakfast with milk and a huge dark chocolate caramel pecan turtle. Oh, yes.) and it was lovely.  Totally heart there with Him, savoring every moment.  The Lented wrap-up is one of the things I want to write about in a separate post, but let me just say that it left me completely hungry for God, for Jesus, for the Holy Spirit.  I just can't get enough of Him in all His Triune glory this week, and BOY is that a welcome feeling!  I don't know about you all, but this has been a fairly dry year--longer?  can't remember--and while God has been active and present in my life throughout, I have been meh about Him (I am being ashamedly honest here, folks).  I have not longed for His word.  I have not been interested in musical worship much.  I have somehow stopped reading the Bible with my kids (used to be a breakfast ritual for years, even if not daily) and we stopped memorizing new verses.  I have been praying, but often rotely.  Somehow I let the daily experience of God fall out of our lives, and I am thinking I see fallout from that in myself and in my family life. 

How did it happen?  When did it happen?  I am not sure, but the notable thing is that this dry spell has been oddly comfortable.  Comfortably dusty and, yes, numb.  Like when I wrote about thinking that sitting down had become a problem for me, so I was going to try to remedy it through Lent--sitting feels really good.  Really comfortable.  Sure, I'm stiff when I get up, but that's ok, because it will feel fine when I sit down again soon.  Sure, I wish I was not out of breath after just walking 20 feet briskly, but I'll catch my breath once I sit down.  Sure, my body kind of even wants to move, but that urge will pass once I sit down again.  Lethargy begets more lethargy. 

And there are even legitimate reasons for the lethargy--but at some point, I still have to make a choice to break it, no matter how hard it seems.  And of course, as soon as I do, the body might be a little less mobile than usual, and the muscles get tired and sore faster, but the next day when I listen to my body, its aches tell me. . . that felt great.  let's do more.  The urge to sit diminishes.  And so, if I am disciplined, using energy leads to more energy, and soon I am back to feeling right with my physical self.

The spiritual life is no different.  I don't know how or why I started spiritually sitting down all the time, but I am sure there was legitimate reason--these last few months of overwhelming unusualness make it understandable.  But still, regrettable.  Do any of you remember that old poem, "The Difference," which I just posted?  That pretty much sums up what has happened, I assume.  The days are full, the nights are short, there are always things to do, or ways to escape from them even though I shouldn't, and my time with God is the first thing squeezed out of the day.  Which turns into a week.  Which turns into a life pattern.

So Hallelujah that spell has been broken!  Just like I am moving more, and longing to move more, so my spirit is wide open with aching for God, and wanting to experience more God, in all His Persons.

And I'm feeling good*.

This morning I got everybody taken care of, sat down with my tea and breakfast, and started reading the updates from the blogs on my sidebar.  One of the blogs introduced me to a new one, and when I opened the blog page, it started to play music.  Now, honestly, I don't like it when I get music thrust at me from blogs. I usually don't have my speakers on anyway, but when I do, I turn the sound down while I read.  It's just distracting, even if the music is good.  For some strange Reason this morning, the speakers were already on, and I did not turn the music down.  I started reading, and was moved by a scary story about her 5-year-old daughter having a seizure and turning blue the other day, when she was home alone with five little ones--it turned out ok--and then suddenly the music was speaking to me, and my thankfullness swelled along with it, and I literally almost choked on a mouthful of tea, and had to put down the mug and stand up and dance, tears streaming (so like me), arms raised high (so not like me):

You opened my eyes to your wonders anew
You captured my heart with this love
Because nothing on Earth is as beautiful as you (Jesus)
You opened my eyes to your wonders anew
You captured my heart with this love
Because nothing on Earth is as beautiful as you.

from Beautiful One,** by Jeremy Camp


Song I hear at church, never before caught my attention much--look how the words match my experience this week!  Oh, my dear readers, I can't wait to share some of the back story, some of the things going on recently that have led my heart to be so open, so ready to hear and see and feel again!

So, until tomorrow, may all of you who seek Him today find Him in all His beauty!
With an overflowing of love,

blessed



*Go, listen.  turn up the sound and turn off the image, and listen to the words, the emotion.  This is me this week!  Whoo-hoo!!!!!! 

**Then go, listen.  This is God, always.  WHOO-HOO!!!!