New blog header

How's that for a blog post title that immediately piques your interest? ; )

I've been thinking about this blog a lot lately. This one and Minnie Zephie's Steampunk Treasure Trunk--that blog clearly not currently living up to it's awesome name. I've mentioned already several times why I don't blog much these days--so skip this part, it's just for my own thought process:

--my writing and thinking time ends up going towards the high school lit classes I develop and teach

--the things in my head for the past several years are too big or too private to write about here. I even started a hand-written journal last year to process some of it--and that is woefully neglected too. ; )

--blogging used to invigorate me, but now when I think about it I just feel tired & overwhelmed. It feels like one more area of my life that I'm "failing" in.

--facebook has taken the place of the funny quips and things I would sometimes post here.

--since I think only my mom and my dear Susan ever read it anymore (hi Mom! hi Susan!) it doesn't seem worth the effort. A phone call is better for catching up and actually building relationship than my blog navel-gazing.

--and on that last note--why bother? why would I think anyone is interested in my "deep thoughts"?

OK. Time for speaking some Truth:

--it's ok that I am not taking the time to blog. It may just be that the season has passed. That's not only ok, but good. The space in my life for blogging is now being used by other, way better things.

--I do still have thoughts that are better processed in writing, so I will probably always want to write in some fashion. But writing is a tool for me, but an end goal. I need to remember that, so I am ok with the process being what it is, however it is, and not worrying about what it looks like.

--I'm not failing at blogging. I'm just putting blogging in an appropriate ranking in my life's priorities. So I'll call that a success. ; )

--I do know my loved ones enjoy seeing pics of the kids, and maybe there are some that I would not share with the entire family on facebook. This could be a good place to supplement those phone calls!

--very few people are interested in my "deep thoughts." That's ok, and back to the point above--need to remind myself that that's not the point. It is the processing of ideas that is the point.

--And once upon a time I felt like I was sharing life with some of you, long-distance. Facebook is not currently doing that for me; it is great to know what people are up to, if their kids are sick, what dramatic weather is happening in their area, who's having a birthday and what kind of cake they had. etc.  But it's not the same as hearing the thoughts and feelings of other people, and getting invited into their worlds, that I used to get from being in ongoing relationships with other bloggers. So maybe when I share here anyone still reading won't think I'm full of myself, but will see it as a longing for sharing live with you.

And speaking of that last, anyone who is getting these posts to your inbox but doesn't want to--unsubscribe!  You have my full permission!

So, all that boring stuff said: new blog header!

It's not actually my choice. Apparently that adorable bird and notepaper image was from the web and not a photo; photobucket, which was hosting the image, decided I had to start paying for the privilege. Um, no. I'm just sad that I lost that sweet image--it spoke to my heart!  And looked so good with this backdrop.

I tried to hunt it down with a few google image searches, but to no avail. Instead, bizarrely I  found the image I am using now. Instantly riveting. I have a fondness for urban decay photography--it is so fascinating to look at such images and image the lives of the buildings before they fell into ruin, and the lives they live now. I love visual texture, and such buildings always have such awesome contrasts of worn paint, crumbling stone, nature encroaching, and eerie lighting through long-broken windows.

My brain wants to live there.

And, practically speaking, I knew the color palette of that image would be great with my own blog's colors--if the subject a bit of ironic melancholy in contrast to the cheerful print.

Of course with that new image I had to let go of the tagline: "facing each day with humor, humility, and hopefully a whole lotta love."

I tried instead "welcome to my world." But I can't figure out how to make the font fit the image, so decided just to let the image stand on it's own.

Seriously, though, the image fits my mental space. I only wish I could have fit the whole thing in:

If you double-click on it you will hopefully be able to see the whole thing in its glory. I not only love the balance of the composition in the full image, but I also love the juxtaposition of the light and peaceful left side of the image and the dark and brooding right. That's my mind all, right. ; )

We won't make any metaphors about the doorway inviting the viewer into a great big ol' black nothingness.

Here's to a few minutes of fixing something broken (even if it's just my blog header).

I just might update the images of the kids next. . . : )

Happy Monday, wherever you are and whatever you are doing!

 

HI!

It has clearly been waaaaaayyyyy too long since I've blogged. I don't even remember how to do it anymore!  I know why I slowed down the blogging last year (except for the MIL processing), and why I pretty much stopped this year:
* too much to say--just don't even know where to begin, and it is overwhelming to even think about
* the stuff I would want to say I don't feel like saying, and don't know if I should be saying.
* being a tad anti-social and hiding because of everything swimming around in my head.
* my creative writing urges are being spent on developing my LitWits "Master Classes"
* big struggle with brain fog this past year--so when I have the spare moments of time I usually want to rest my brain, not be creative. It's been a big Netflix year.  Sigh.
* feeling like I have too many things needing my attention pretty much every moment of every day. So my blog, even though a good thing, has become a thing it's ok to let go, without feeling guilty.
* 'cause at the end of the day--one less thing is really, really good.

But here are the reasons I want to blog right at this moment:
* A while ago I saw a blog on my sidebar that had been an adoption blog suddenly show up with a whole different face and people and purpose--and I realized that oh, right Blogger will take unused blogs and either delete them or allow other people to take them over (sometimes if they were blogs with big followings that appear to be abandoned Blogger will sell them!) and I don't even think they give you advance notice. I would be so upset if this blog, or Minnie Zephie's, were abruptly taken away from me.  So I'm going to think about long-term saving of the info (save it to my computer, print it out into books--different people do it different ways and I'll have to think what makes the most sense) but until then I'd better at least be sure they do not appear abandoned!
* I have fallen out of touch with pretty much everyone, even my family, pretty much because of all the things mentioned above. So this is one way to step back out into the social world a little. : )
* I would like to make a concerted effort to celebrate the good. This might be a safe place to do it.
* I am also doing so much processing in my life, and maybe there will be some things that are safe/a good idea to process here. I have been processing more mentally--but I forget things so easily--way too easily!--and that is so discouraging, when it feels like I am learning so much and God shows me things and then I forget them!!!!!  Sheesh!
(I have started writing in paper journals--one for different facets of my life. Trying to write down the good things, the encouraging things, the wise things. The things I need to remember but that are maybe too private for sharing here. But even then, I forget to write things down when they happen or when God shows them to me, and then they are lost forever. So blogging a little more might help me get better about recording in general.)
* I forget that blogging is fun! : )

So I'm not making any promises. I'm just going to post this, and hopefully post in Minnie Zephie, and we'll call it good, until next time whenever that is. : )  I don't want bloggin to be a stressful thing--I have enough stressful things in my life already! So thank you in advance for reading this, for caring, for understanding. : )

And I have to make all that reading worth something, so here are some pics!

Feb-Mar 2015 random happenings:

Happy and Smiley as a nurse and orderly. 

Saturday morning reading in bed. There's DH still attempting sleep at the back. ; )

A Barbie game in the bedroom during quiet time. 

Merry on her 12th birthday.

Happy getting one last portrait in the little apron that she inherited from my mother. She has loved and cherished it. . . 

. . . and has sometimes dressed her little brother in it.

For some reason I don't have many photos of Sunny from that period. It was probably a big buckle-down school period and she was most often doing required school. I don't want to talk about it. This post is supposed to be about the good stuff. ; ) So here's a pretty photo of her from last winter.

OK, so that's not much, but it is a start. I hope you all are doing well and are starting your holiday season with lots of love and no stress.

It being Wednesday, I'm Anti-Procrastinating This Post

; )

Good morning everyone!  This is a post that is looooooong overdue. I've been writing a post to wrap up Christmas--with photos!--but it just seems like my brain is harder to get into blog mode these days.

I still want to write that post-Christmas post, even if its Feb when I do!  I want to share some good--and God--things about our holidays, including the time in Chico.  My scripture when I opened my Bible this morning was from the Psalms, when David was lamenting feeling far removed from God, and so he decided to purposefully look back and reflect upon all that God had done for His people.  I want to be sure to write the God stuff--I want to be able to look back and see His goodness in my life. : )

So, I'll see if I can't finish that later today. After all, it is Wednesday, anti-procrastination day!

Actually, I'm making this Anti-Procrastination Week. I feel like this is just one of those times when the things needing attended to are (literally!) piling up around me. And yet, this is a week when I have a little bit of breather room and can get things done. So, I am!

The skinny:

Things are good.

School.
School has settled down A LOT, all to do with my fabulous ES Terry.  That does not mean things are running as smoothly as they should in the high school department, but at least it's not completely overwhelming like it was last semester. (Which was partly my fault, because I had not quite understood what we were getting into, and partly not my fault, because the school was changing rules even as the semester went on, and even my amazing ES would have to frequently talk to higher-ups to figure out what the heck was required. That's not the school's fault either--since it is a public charter, the State had suddenly decided to be all up in its business and so they were having to scramble to address changes the State was making, from what I understand. But still--one big headache.)

With the other kids, I'm finding myself toying more and more with the idea of unschooling. I would not ever completely unschool--at this point I fear it would be more like just giving up, and research seems to prove that unschooling really only works best when it is a family lifestyle that the kids engage with from the beginning of their "schooling."  But the idea of it--letting go of the need to control what the kids learn, trusting in their own God-given curiosity to inspire them to learn, not really using traditional textbooks or programs to "do school"--has been really helpful for me, after all the stresses of last semester.  When I step back and look at everything they do and learn on a "bare bones school" day, it is so good to see all the learning and brain-growth that happened. They really are taking in what we learn and do, and helping grow their brains is the important thing--not the specific tool/method used to do it.

redwood logging

they built a model of the transcontinental railroad. (that "snow" represents the Sierra Nevadas.)  It was their idea entirely--when learning and play naturally meld together 

(if you look carefully you can see DH and three of our kids)

the kids all made homemade bows & arrows. and spears. 

 and slingshots.

what we imagine public school feels like. 

(just kidding! ; )

math

history

um. . . art? woodshop?

this photo sums it all up perfectly

In other words, its all good.

(exhale)

(And look at that!  I just did a School in Review for the Fall!  I always mean to do those and never remember or get around to it.  Score one for Anti-Procrastination Day!

Also, those photos represent just some of the fun and learning-valuable things we did this past Fall. There are more things recorded in photos still on my phone, or DH's phone, or things we didn't document at all. It is so good to look at these and remember--my kids are doing, and trying, and inventing and imagining, and when they do these things, they learn.


Family.
After Christmas, I told DH that I thought it would be great if I did not have to see his parents for about 6 months. I was just so tired of all the negative and realized I was really angry at my MIL for all she put us through (purposefully or not) this past holiday season.  But of course God. . . instead, they called the very next day and said they wanted to come see us that next weekend. : )  And guess what--it was a perfectly fine visit. Probably the nicest visit we have had in years.  Of course it was still totally stressful for me & DH, because we spend every moment waiting for the proverbial shoe to fall.  But overall it was a very good visit, which of course is good.  We know it won't last, but we should enjoy the good when we get it.

Thanksgiving 2014

Our little family unit is doing great. Not nearly as much teen drama from Sunny now that I'm not her homeschool boss.  I've been noticing how well-bonded our kids are to each other, and that is just such a blessing. I think about the kids who spend most of their lives apart from their siblings, and who then think their siblings are "annoying." My kids understand the reality that everyone is annoying sometimes, but siblings are special. Sharing beds helps too. They rotate who sleeps in what two bunks, always paired up, and that has really helped bond them closely as well. I can't imagine those families in which the adult kids don't really like each other, or even know each other.  Or in which the kids are estranged (or even just emotionally distant from) their parents. We're not doing everything perfectly--FAR from it. And I know something tragic could still happen in our lives to change all this. But right now, I look at my kids cuddling and whispering in bed, or piling on top of their daddy, or saying they miss me when I've been away for a day, and I have Peace about my kids.

The sign reads "The House of Love. Loving Evan."

Health.
We have been really quite healthy so far this winter--only one person had a bad cold so far (Sunny). But, it's January and the acacia trees are in full bloom, so my allergies are too.  Actually, even they have not been too bad--until last night. I don't know if I am getting a cold on top of the allergies or what, but I'm way worse today today than any day so far, and I had a terrible night of sleep. But still--no flu, nothing serious. I'm thankful.

And I'm still breathing with two nostrils, which means I'm good. : : )

OK, let's see. School, family, health.


House.
Um, yeah. That's not all good. But I'm focusing on the good today, so we'll talk about that later.

(Don't worry--the house is still standing, we are still cozy and warm and dry, it just seems like problems are coming faster than we can deal with them. Some little, some big.)

But the good thing about the house being a frustrating, overwhelming dump is that I am in big-time GO mode with cleaning out junk. I mean, I'm letting go of so much stuff. Get it GONE. Of course that's also partly because after Christmas we have even MORE stuff to find room for/make storage bins for.  But also partly because, despite my best efforts and continual purging and organizing, the underside of the house looks like an episode of Hoarders.  I've been cleaning out cupboards and looking at things I have not used for years, and thinking at those objects, "You are dead to me."  And then out it goes.

Anti-procrastination feels GOOD.

So, anyone care to join me this week?  Feel free to share your successes in the comments! : )

That's it for the moment--but more to come!  Until then, have a great Wednesday, everyone!

pseudo-Steampunk silliness

As I find newfound energy and interest in writing here, I am also picking up writing on my other blogs too.  So sometimes when I am quiet over her it is because I am using my blogging time somewhere else. (Sometimes in the comments on one of your blogs!) 

Just this past week I had a spurt of creative thinking about clothes again, which got me looking around on the web for ideas and possibilities--my favorite kind of shopping, since there's more pleasure to be had in the looking than in the buying. ; )  As I've been evaluating my wardrobe this Fall and Winter, I'm trying to figure out what clothes need to go, and what clothes just need a little help to be fully used and appreciated. I have a lot of hand-me-downs, and odds and ends, and limited closet space, and am in major purge mode--so whenever I have free moments and enough brain function, I've been thinking through my wardrobe. 

And yes, when I do need to buy something for my wardrobe, I still get a kick out of trying to see if I can find it the least bit neo-Victorian.  I still have my "secret" fantasies about a "Real World Steampunk Wardrobe," and if nothing else, it makes me smile inside when I am wearing something on the outside that reflects the me on the inside.

So, over the past 6 months or so, I've been trying various wardrobe pieces together, and having my Dear Husband take photos (usually after church).  Then I download them to the computer to see how I *really* looked--and am usually disappointed, and often not a little embarrassed.  Oh well.  The times when I get an outfit that makes me happy make up for the times I look at the photos and am hoping it looked better while I was in motion.  As in the old saying, "they'll never notice from the back of a galloping horse," right?

But I've just started sharing some of my "Real World Steampunk Wardrobe FAILS" over on Minnie Zephie's Steampunk Treasure Trunk.  Of course I don't expect you to follow over there--that's my little fun escape world, so completely different from the kinds of real-world things I share here. But I thought you all might enjoy the first posting in the series--Steampunk, 70's style! 

(Or is it more 80's? I could not quite put my finger on what designer and time I was channeling--all I know for sure is that it was not. at. all. Steampunk. ; )

Here's the link, if you are in the mood for light-hearted fashion talk!

about that blogging. . .

(started in the morning. . . )

So I have started trying to blog twice this morning, and life keeps interrupting. And then I thought at least I could share some cute photos, but my Dear Husband must have updated something on the computer and now the photo software seems to think I don't have permission to do things with photo files, so isn't letting me.  (I'm sure DH will easily remedy this by tomorrow)  But by golly, I'm going to stick to my increased blogging vow, so I'm just going to write one little thing and savor the accomplishment. ; )

First, thank you four lovely readers for your sweet and encouraging words to my last post/lament. Esp. you Dottie--SO glad you found your way in (because I did not mean to be unhelpful, but could not figure out from my end what might be hindering you logging in) and your assurances that you were inside the cozy room with me really did speak to my heart. : )

(. . . Aaaaaaaaand 9 hours later, that's all I had written.)

But.  Sara came over with her kids and we got over an hour of play and good girlfriend talk--over tea and dark chocolate no less!

And.  Later in the afternoon we went over to Becky's for even more play and GGT--with more tea and dark chocolate.

Then.  I picked up pork BBQ on the way home--a treat, and worth it tonight.

Now. I am so tired, but my tummy (and blood sugar!) are happy.  I am having yet another cup of tea, just because--another treat, and worth it tonight.

I'll have to tell you why I'm so tired, and why I am making friend (and girlfriend!) time such a priority this week. 

But.  I'll consider this much writing a success for one day!  It's been a very long, but very good day.

I hope your 2014 has begun well!

Still Here in the New Year!

Apparently going private has been the death knell for my blog. 

Well, this Fall was extremely busy--more than usual, and Fall is always our busiest time of the year, as most of you with kids can relate to.  This of course means less time for blogging, and more of an urge just to mindlessly troll youtube instead of blogging when I do have free time.  But I think it was more than that--somehow going private felt like closing a door.  I mean, I knew it would feel like that, but thought it would feel more like being inside a cozy room with a warm fire and hot tea and crumpets on the table, and welcoming friends in and shutting the door against the cold.  But it has ended up feeling more small and claustrophobic and. . . alone than that.  As if I'm the only one in the room with the fire and tea with the door shut, just sitting by myself in the warm quiet, staring at the dying embers. . .

Ok, melodramatic.  I was just trying to come up with a picture to go along with the feelings. : )  But this feeling of being more alone is not unfounded; at least one of you few readers contacted me to say you were having difficulty (perhaps still are?) figuring out how to access the blog.  Maybe there are more of you who have not been able to figure it out. 

And if the whole password thing makes it harder or feel like more of an effort to get into the blog, maybe some of you will just stop coming by. . .

And now that it is private, I know updates don't show automatically in feeds and sidebars (or am I wrong about this?) and that too makes it just that much easier to forget to stop by and read.  (In fact, I know some of you have subscribed by email--did this post show up in any feed or email? I would love to know if it did, so you are getting some notice when there is something new here to read.)

And finally, I really liked the blog being public because I harbored the fantasy that God could lead anyone here who might need it--who maybe could use a friendly word, or some encouragement, or to see they are not alone in feeling the way they do about parenting or whatever.  Does that sound egotistical?  I just enjoyed feeling like this blog could be used by God, if He wanted to.  It actually feels more self-indulgent to me to write in this closed circle of safety--where I know I am loved and supported no matter what I write.  I have learned as I get older that it seems like God rarely puts us in safe and cozy places when He desires us to serve Him fully.  So, I'm not saying He was using my blog--but occasionally it seemed like He did, and I loved the thought of it being in His service.

But ANYWAY, it's done, we're private, and it's a brand new year, so I figure I'll just make the most of it for now--which means write about all the things I would want to while it is private, and then always leave myself the option of going back to public down the road. : )

And in the meantime, there is SO MUCH I would love to share with any of you who do stop by.  So my one and only New Year's Resolution this year is to write more again.  Try to make it short and sweet--easier to write, less daunting/snoozeworthy for you to read. ; ) 

(That does not mean I don't have other goals for this year--but they are so much more of the bigger picture that God is showing me that I don't want them to feel like things I'm flippantly resolving to do for a year.  And let me tell you, God has been showing me SO MUCH.)

So I hope you are all doing well, and have started your New Year with fun and family and health and safety and meaning and love and peace. 

Going Private--for my MIL

Some of you are still visiting with some regularity--thank you for caring and still stopping by every now and then, even when I'm not blogging as much!--and already noticed the little announcement at the top of the page.  And those of you who enjoy mega-posts--today you are in luck! Everyone else, you have been warned. ; )  Yes, the day has finally come.  I want to keep blogging, and to be able to share openly about whatever is on my heart and mind--and I want this blog to continue to feel like a safe space in which to do so. 

My main concern of course is my MIL.  When I first started blogging about our relationship, I thought it was healthier to do so with the knowledge that someday she might find the blog, and would then most definitely read it.  That thought gave me some necessary accountability, and really helped me choose my words and focus on the positive when I wrote about her and me.  But, this past Spring I started to write about me and MIL more, and with more detail and negativity.  Not that I think I've been more negative, but I have been more honest about what things have really been like for the past 18 years, which is itself negative--and which makes it all the better for anyone to appreciate how amazing things are now in comparison!  But as a result, I had three women whom I respect privately ask me if I thought it was wise to write so openly, knowing my MIL could find it.  I so appreciated their caring enough to gently question my wisdom and sensitivity.  And I listened.

You know, back when I started writing, things were pretty bad, and I did not share much of it.  What I did share, I figured if it was found by my MIL it might well make her upset (not because I was being untruthful or disrespectful, because I was really being careful not to be either, but just because I was writing about her/us at all--like finding out someone has been talking about you behind your back), but it could maybe then be an impetus for change in our relationship.  Our relationship was already so bad I really had nothing to lose, and she would not have realized then that she did have anything to lose.  So thinking about her finding the blog was a little scary, but I also felt that if it was found someday, it would likely be a relief, and maybe she would finally hear everything I have been thinking, feeling, and trying to share for years.  And maybe it would have helped her step outside of her own headspace for a bit, and help her see what her actions and words looked like from other people's point of view.  In other words, to help her see how unhealthy and sinful our relationship was--because maybe if she did not like what others saw, she would want to change that.

And let me just be brutally honest for a minute--I put up with so much crap over the past 18 years, that part of me was not overly concerned about her feelings.  She was always talking about everyone behind their backs all the time and saying much less hopeful and truthful things than I was, which understandably did not inspire me to be oversensitive to her potential feelings.   

But now. . . things are better. Miraculously so.  Our relationship has improved so much it is hard to believe.  It feels like God did His good work in me for years and years, slowly, with me fighting every step of the way because it hurt and didn't seem fair and I didn't want to do it and what about MY feelings, what about ME?  But He was persistent, and insistent that I change my heart, and grow up in Grace a bit.  He convicted me that He was calling me to LOVE my MIL (not in feelings, but in actions--doing what is loving), and so I have been slowly figuring out what that really means, and learning to depend upon Him to do it through me. 

And then it seems like He started His good work in my MIL at some point (maybe all along--only they know) and we have been seeing real fruit for going on two years now.  I think God had to grow me enough so I would recognize when MIL was growing, trying to be gracious--so I could get out of the way, and be a help and not a hindrance to it!  That does not mean the past 2 years have been all roses and sunshine--no, things have still been painful at times.  But the difference between ten or even six years ago and now is seriously staggering.

The Holy Spirit whispered to me years ago that someday my MIL would look back over the years and realize I had been a friend to her.  It was so hard to believe at the time--that was back when things were terrible, which is one way I know that was a word from God and not just my own imagination.  I could not have imagined it.  But now, things are slowly, slooooooowly starting to move in the direction of us being not just polite to one another (which for years seemed impossible) but even to be companionable with one another.  It will take a long time before anything remotely like friendship is realized--which is why I think the vision the Holy Spirit gave me was when she and I are both much older!--but I think it is now at least imaginable down the road.

Which brings me back to this post now, and the issue of making the blog private.  Before, I did not want to make my blog private just because of MIL, because it would seem like I was doing so out of fear, or from being sneaky--and I would rather my blog have been discovered by MIL than to feel like I was doing either.  But now my heart is in a different place, and I know God has entrusted me with the knowledge of just how fragile this growing relationship is, and that MIL is vulnerable--and I don't at ALL want to do anything to hurt this healing, to set back our growth!

So, I thought about keeping this blog public, but taking down anything having to do with MIL.  Hmmmmm.  There are some posts that never quite sat right with me, which I would be glad to un-publish; but there are too many other bits of our relationship story that are so heavily entwined with my own spiritual growth story, and I don't want to take them out.  God has used my MIL to grow me--as I have always said, jokingly (but not), "Nobody can send me faster to the foot of the cross than that woman!"  And ultimately, that is a good thing.  I believe He has used and is using me to grow her too.  The refining process has not been pretty, but it has so far proven fruitful, and I really and truly want to celebrate that. 

Also, I have had so many women share with me privately that they too have difficult relationships, and suffer in them.  And what I have realized is that lots of us do--but we never talk about it openly, because that would seem like complaining, or gossiping, or being malicious, or even just focusing on the negative, and those of us who are seriously desiring to please God are really trying not to do any of those things.  But this means that a lot of suffering goes on quietly, and women are at a loss for how to handle their feeling and frustrations and fears.  They could really use encouragement from other Christian women who are working through the same things--but since none of them talk about it, they don't realize they are not alone.  So I have always written in the hopes that doing so I might be able to bless someone else--and I think that has happened. 

I have always tried to write with honesty, but also respect for my MIL, and to focus on the positive.  I have been so thankful that in our whole long 18 +  years of relationship, I have never consciously sinned against MIL.  I have not lashed out in anger,  I have not said things in anger I wished I could take back, I have never tried to hurt her, I have never been glad when she was upset or hurt.  I have always tried my best to get along, to keep peace, to speak truth, to do what I can to help healing between us.  I have not done any of these things perfectly--let me say it plainer than that: I have messed up trying to do all of these things well.  BUT I have never knowingly sinned against my MIL. 

Well, to her face that is.  My biggest struggle has always been the sometimes constant thinking negative things about her.  THAT has been a huge issue for me--keeping my thought-life honoring to God.  In my own defense, it is hard to think positive things when you are yourself being force-fed a constant flow of over-the-top negative things.  For many years, I allowed my mind to be given over to the fear and worry and futile and pathetic desire to please and to dwell on all the hurtful and cruel words that had been spoken over me--and for a long time I had no control over my thoughts about my MIL.  I not only dwelled on the negative when I was with her, but when I was not with her too.  I would find myself multiple times a day nursing old wounds, or inventing conversations in which I was the victor and not the victim.  It would especially happen anytime I was doing any housework--since that was one thing that was always used by MIL to assert superiority over me, to point out my inadequacies, to lord bitter triumph over me when I inevitably failed to meet the inspection.  I realized my thought patterns had a terrible, sinful grip on me when I could not even wash the dishes without reliving or imagining negative things involving my MIL at least 20 times.  The negativity was taking over my mind--and that was crippling sin. 

And God is just now showing me another area in which I was sinning against her for all those years--I was nursing a grudge against her.  But both of these issues were not conscious sins against her, and for that I am grateful.

Over the course of many years I worked on changing those negative, sinful ways of thinking about my MIL, with God's wisdom and help, and that's why I was trying to be so careful not to sin against my MIL in what I wrote here in my blog.  I think I succeeded overall, until this past Spring.  I never said so at the time, but I fell into a dark place this past Spring.  Looking back, I see I was slipping into it even in early January, and it lasted until May.  Even after the big hold the darkness had on me was broken by God's mercy, the emotional and psychological effects of it lingered until just a few weeks ago. I think I am truly out from under it now--praise be to our Good Lord Jesus for delivering me--and I can look back now and see how I was a different person in some ways during that time.  I hid it somewhat well from the outside world, but one thing I noticed was that I was becoming more frank about how things were with my MIL here on my blog, and I was starting to write with more complaint and almost a tattling spirit.  I think I was so emotionally stricken that I stopped caring about writing carefully.  I still don't know if that ventured over into sin. . . . Was that gossip?  Was that slander?  Is it gossip anytime we mention someone else in our stories?  Is it sinful to be vulnerable in our hurting?   But I do know that it was not focusing on the positive, and was not written with the previous desire to be respectful.  I was walking wounded, and wrote out of that woundedness.

I am so thankful now that I feel healed.  Possibly in a really big, life-changing way--time will tell.  I think where I am now is an even a better place for growing in relationship with MIL.  So I want to be loving and respectful to her in anything I write.  But I also want the freedom to write my story--our story--as I feel led. 

So, it's time to make the blog private.  I realize that since I have been so sporadic in my blogging since last Spring there is a good chance that there are only a few of you still reading.  That's ok--it's good for my pride. It also makes it easier to not worry that I am depriving an appreciative world of the wealth of my insight.   (Typical blogger folly = assuming I have things to say, and everyone cares if I do or not! ; )  But those of you who are still around, I think I will need to add you manually to the approved reader list.  (Jessica, please do share any advice you have for me about this, since you have done it before.)   I do not want to assume any of you previous readers still want to be reading, so I will not add you unless you request (except for you, Mom ; )  So would you please email me at the address above (which I have added spaces to, to keep trolling spam programs from grabbing it--hope that works) if you would like me to add you?

My feelings will not be hurt if I don't get many requests.  This has never been a blog with a large readership, and now most of my old readers have moved on.  I started this blog simply as a way of sharing life with my mother, my best friend Susan, and my sisters.  Any of you who have joined my journey along the way--thank you for sharing some of it, and your presence has been a blessing to me. 

Much love to you all!

Blessed
 

Hello!

I cannot believe it has been one day over one month since I last posted.  Let me just say, it has been a CRAZY month.  Well, actually it has been really busy since mid-August, but things really stepped up to the maximum level of crazy this month.  Just to give the skinny on the past 6 weeks (this is really for you, Mom, so you know why you have not heard from me recently!):

1. Homeschooling
--School officially started for our kids on Aug. 15, through our charter.  Smiley is a kindergartener this year, so I am now homeschooling all 4.  But already I was looking at our calendar, and everything we had on it, and so I said to myself, "Um, no."  And so my kids kept doing "summer school" until Sept 9, when our little "Redwood Academy" started the school year with new books, routines, subjects, etc.  I have been trying to trouble-shoot some of the things that did not work out well last year, and figure out why some of our previously good habits slipped awry, and so lots of new things are happening this year--so far, so good.  Hard, but good.

--Because it was the start of school, we started regular classes back up again and so my girls have been back in music, LitWits workshops (plus and a weeklong writing camp), as well as their usual martial arts classes and this semester's "Musical Mondays" theatre workshop.  And all the girls had martial arts testing (to move up a belt level) in there, and a tournament too.

2. Serving our church
--numerous meetings for Jr. High youth group team (new ministry involvement started this summer--DH and I help with events) and the youth parent panel at our church.  And this past Fri-Sat DH and Sunny went to a big event at our local Boardwalk--an overnight for jr. and high school youth groups!

--Also meetings for Soul Kitchen, our church ministry for women, and then I have been in charge of food and set up and kitchen duties for our three nights of Conversations--the last one is tomorrow night.  Oh, and I also hosted an all-day Beth Moore simulcast event.   And worked the SK table at our church ministry fair.

--DH and I and Sunny and Merry also served with the Children's Ministry two Sundays (it is hard for campus churches to meet such needs in the summer when all the college students who normally serve are gone). 

3.  Learning and growing as men and women
--DH went on a weekend men's retreat, together we did a weekend Intentional Parenting retreat, and I had an evening dinner retreat with  fellow Christian homeschool moms at the home of a lovely woman who has been mentoring us. 

4. Squeezing out the last bit of summer with friends
--We met friends at the beach, the kids had a sleepover (thanks, Sara!) and a birthday party and an adoption party, and a Red Barn Theatre dance production.

5. End of summer family fun
--DH's family had a small family reunion up in Chico, and so we went up for the last week of August.  His sister and her husband and "Spice" and "Sweetness" came out from CO, and it was wonderful to see them, and then one of his cousins and her family came down from WA, and since we have not seen them since Happy was a baby, that was special too.  It was a very fun week! 

--Happy turned 8 in July, and we finally had a chance to do her "birthday adventure," which involved me taking her and her special-same-age-friend "Mini Rosa" (daughter of my friend "Rosa") to a local studio to paint pottery (thank you for the gift certificate Mom--she loved it!), and then creek-walking and dinner with the Rosas.   Then at the beginning of this month Smiley turned 5, and so we had a three-part birthday bash for him (since I seriously could not make it all happen on the same day--that's how crazy it has been!) with dinner at home on his actual b-day, cupcakes and playdate with his best bud HO (son of Rosa) last weekend, and today he is finishing it up with riding a historical train from the Santa Cruz mountains to the beach with his daddy. : )

6. End of summer cleaning fun
--Oh, and while we were gone up in Chico, we invited my dear Becky's husband Dan to come stay at our house; he had a big writing deadline (he is under contract for another book for Zondervan) and needed a distraction-free place to work, and so it worked out perfectly for him to stay here.  Of course this meant I felt like I had to clean the whole house from top to bottom, though! ; )  I mean, our house freaks out people easily enough--I did not want him to be uncomfortable by cobwebs or mold or dust or dust turning to mold, etc.  So that took at least a week of cleaning--but of course you can imagine how fun it was to see my house that way! 

And no, I did not get photos.  I really meant to.  But, life.

--BUT before he came, we finished pulling out and sorting every bin under the house!  That is such a huge achievement, and something that helps me feel much more ready for the starting school year.

This sounds like "What I did last summer" doesn't it--but all this stuff has happened just in the past 6 weeks!  Now you know what I mean by CRAZY!  It's all good stuff--but somehow it all came at once.  The pinnacle of crazy was last weekend, when we had FOUR events all on the same day, and we managed to pull them ALL off.  (I got the family up and all ready for the day and gathered everything they would need, then drove to church and hosted the Beth Moore simulcast from 8:30-4:30, then drove over half an hour to get to the homeschool moms dinner; meanwhile, my amazing Dear Husband stopped by the church at 9 a.m. to make sure the tech for the simulcast was working properly [it wasn't, so I was thankful] and then took the kids up to the mountains for a big annual event at a state park celebrating the culture and history of the Indian tribes who originally lived here.  They did that from 10-noon, then he got them lunch and got Sunny to her martial arts testing, took the rest of the kids on an impromptu adventure at the fire station down the street from martial arts, then brought them all home, fed them the dinner I had made the night before, and got them ready for bed.  I stumbled home around 10 and we both collapsed. : )

Yes, this one photo--from the night we returned home from Chico--pretty much sums up the past 6 weeks. 

All of these things I really wanted to share when they were happening, because there has been SO MUCH GOOD in so many of these things!  But I just have not had the time or energy or brainpower--it has been used up by all the things I just shared above. 

I must say, though, that even though I did not have it in me to blog, I was coming here regularly so I could access all my blog links there on the sidebar--and every time I did, I was greeted by my beautifully clean kitchen!!! That was so fun.  (Because of course it has not looked that good since I posted the photos.) 

We still have a busy couple of weeks to go:  a homeschool "back to school" party at a local park, a birthday party, a proposed Mom's night out, the last night of Conversations (all those happen tomorrow!), our first Vintage Homeschool Moms gathering, going to the Renaissance Fair for the first time with the kids, two school field trips, more martial arts testing, and our 18 year wedding anniversary!  And then DH's parents asked if they could come to visit, so we said the 12th was the first weekend we were not  busy, so they will likely come then for a few days.  [But we just got off Skyping with them tonight, and they really want to come this weekend, when we have other things going on that aren't really their cup of tea. Ack! Cleaning was not what I planned on doing this week!] So, I'm thinking the whole September crazy is winding down and things should be pretty relaxed by Oct 19th. 

That seems so far away.

No, I'm saying that with a smile.  I'm feeling positive and good, and all this busy is being balanced with keeping our expectations of myself and the kids healthy, and I'm doing a good job remembering every day what is *really* important. 

I don't know when I will blog next, but I'll try to go back to snippets at least--SO MANY things I want to share that are really, really good and special.  Until then, may you rest in God's blessings.  : )

Anti-Procrastination Fun in the Kitchen

So, last night I had the chance to host a little Soul Kitchen "Conversations" meeting at my house.

I have had close friends over to my house, I have had one-on-one meetings at my house, I have even hosted birthday parties at my house (yes, inside!), but I have never been able to host any SK meetings, because I just don't have enough places for women to sit.  I mean, we can pack people in at our kitchen table for informal meals, with family members or friends of our kids, but it's just too close for comfort for a meeting where people will be getting out binders and calendars and other planning materials. But this meeting was just for the upcoming Fall Conversations events, and so there were just going to be three of us.  Perfect!

And also the perfect time to get motivated to do some long-overdue deep cleaning. 

I wish I had listed these things individually on my Big List of Things To Do, so I could have the pleasure of scratching them out--but instead, I'll just share these favorite bits of accomplishment with you!

I inherited these brown crocks when my Grandma died.  I had washed them before, and knew there was a gunky film on them, but thought it would be hard to get off.  I am embarrassed now to confess that I have been using them in my kitchen for THIRTEEN years now, and never tried to deep clean them.  They looked fine.  But yesterday I decided to just use some warm soapy water and baking soda--and quickly discovered that a) the gunk came off quite easily with a little elbow grease, and b) the crocks were not actually brown.

Not only are they actually bone colored stoneware, but the upper glazing is shiny.  Who knew?!

When we needed to get a new fridge a few years ago, DH wanted stainless steel.  But because I have always used our fridge doors for homeschool show-and-tell, and because this finish is not magnetic, I warned him I would be covering the beautiful stainless steel doors with taped-up artwork.  He was ok with that.  So, most of the time our fridge is covered in kid's creations, maps and timelines, etc. The tape leaves some sticky residue, but we always just cover it back up with more paper and art, so I don't pay it much mind.  But a few weeks ago we finally took down last Spring's display, which had lingered up too long.  But it being summer, I didn't have anything new to put on the fridge (except for this cute smiling sun Happy made) so I was constantly looking at the tape-marked, smudged fridge doors.  So yesterday, I used that same magical formula of warm soapy water, baking soda, and elbow grease, and voila!

I never imagined it would turn out so pristine.  It really made me happy.  (This photo was taken at night, after the ladies had gone, so the orange streaks on the door are the reflections of candles on the table.)

Even the stove-top and hot water kettle got the magic baking soda treatment!  And I oiled the soapstone counter and backsplash too, which I rarely do--but I love the way it looks when I do.

So, a few things that took some work, but which  are paying off in satisfaction!

And now--the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT!

Because of all the deep cleaning I did the past two days in the kitchen, I am FINALLY READY TO GIVE YOU THE PHOTO TOUR.  Well, of that one room at least.

I have a feeling the women who once really wanted to see my house lost their patience a long time ago and no longer stop by.  Aubrey.  Desiree.  But Jessica, tomorrow's post is for YOU! ; )

So, come on back tomorrow, and be ready to feel SO MUCH BETTER about your own kitchen!

Anti-Procrastination--and a story

I wrote this yesterday, but did not post it because I wanted the Princess Penny auction to have center stage. : )  Doesn't matter--it is just as relevant today, as you will see!

--------------------------

It's Wednesday, and that means the weekly Anti-Procrastination Day.

And this week, I mean business.

Just recently I realized how much mental baggage I am carrying around with me daily from things undone that I really want/need done.  They are a drain on my thinking, and when I let them go too long they start to drag at my spirit.  There was something in particular that had been on my to-do list since my big GET IT DONE push this past Spring--and one week ago I still had not done it.  And since telling you all about this is one more thing I have been meaning to do for some time, this is the perfect day to do so!

You see, our neighbors on one side of us had a little dog named Willa, who for a while kept escaping from their yard, and running away down our busy road.  Of course any time we heard them calling for her we would go help look--that's what neighbors do!  But then they must have figured out where she was getting out and fixed the problem, because months went by without a single escape, and thus without us really interacting with them. 

But during those months our neighbors (who were living together but not married) went through a bad relational spell, and were fighting all the time.  And the woman was a yeller.  Our house is only about 5 feet from their house, and our walls are thin--we couldn't hear most of the words (although often we could) but we could hear the raging and miserable voices rising and falling, and things slamming and banging.  Sometimes I was really concerned that she was going to make him so mad he would  hurt her, because she was truly a shrieking harpy, attacking him, tearing him apart.  It was really ugly.  Sometimes they would start in yelling and the kids would be lying in bed listening to it for over an hour as they were trying to fall asleep.  I didn't know what to do about it--so we would just put on music, or talk to the kids about sin and how it consumes us and hurts our relationships if we let it, and pray for the neighbors.

I think they knew we could hear them.  They probably heard me yell at the kids enough to know how sound carries between our houses (I often find myself yelling to the kids to do/stop doing X, Y or Z while I am standing at the kitchen sink washing dishes before dinner--the place closest to their house where the sound probably travels the best.  I love being such a great example of parenting to the world. Sigh.).   And I know the woman at least felt badly about it--because one day this past Spring as we were sitting quietly schooling in the living room, the girls saw Willa running down the road again.  Of course I ran over to knock on the neighbor's door to tell her, and was thankful that they were home.  The neighbors went searching, and found her within 10 minutes--ironically in our backyard (she must have run through a different neighbors yard down the road and then backtracked up the creek).  So, it was all over very quickly, and was not really that big of a deal.

But then half an hour later, there was a knock on our door, and there stood the neighbor lady, with a large gift bag in her hand.  She wanted to thank us for what great neighbors we are, and of course I just said that's what neighbors do, but then she apologized for how they were not great neighbors, and the way she said it I knew she meant the fighting.  So she and I made it a quick and slightly awkward but friendly exchange.   Once inside, we opened the gift bag to find a large plastic tub of craft bits (with a $30 price tag on the bottom!) for the kids.  And then there was also a card for me--the wording of which confirmed my suspicion that this gift was given more as an apology than a thank-you.  Inside the card was a gift certificate to a local upscale kids/home boutique--for the amount of $300.  Yes, three hundred dollars. 

Of course I flipped out a little, and thought we can't accept this!  It was clearly a guilt offering.  Accepting it would be like taking blood money, a bribe to keep our eyes averted from the carnage.  But yet. . . I thought about the few exchanges I had earlier with this neighbor, who had lived next to us for about one year.  How I took her some fresh picked strawberries, and she brought over a rainbow-maker for the kids' window.  How I took her some fresh picked tomatoes, and she brought over a potted orchid for my kitchen windowsill.  Gift-giving seems to be one of her main love languages, as it is one of mine.  I thought about how I would be feeling if I was in her place--probably being really hard on myself for how poorly I was reacting to the conflict between me and my partner, and then also feeling so guilty for not being able to stop it, even if I knew it was negatively affecting others.  I would be feeling really vulnerable, and wanting to be accepted and loved and forgiven.  If gift giving is really one of her love languages, then giving back the gift would be like rejecting her love--and being critical not only of her in her weakness, but also of her attempts to make things right!

But I also felt badly keeping it.  It was just so over-the-top.  Finally, I decided we would use some of it to buy something fun or useful for our family, and with some of it I would try to buy something little and meaningful for the neighbor as a thank you back, and then the rest of it I would ask the store if we could break up into two separate gift certificates, like $100 each.  I can then give those to our local Crisis Pregnancy Center for a silent auction they have coming up--using this woman's love offering to spread even more love around our community. 

But most importantly, I needed to give the neighbor a big THANK YOU that would show her the forgiveness and acceptance and love I think she wished for.

But.  This is where perfectionism and life got the best of me.  Because  this happened right in the middle of all the stressful, busy, overwhelming season I had this past Spring, and I had in my head the "right" way to say thank you (for the kids to make a rainbow craft from some of the goodies from the big jar the neighbor had given them, because we know she likes rainbows) but that ended up being just one more thing to do and our weeks were already so full, and to also invite the neighbor over for tea and some "girlfriend" chat, because maybe God wanted me to minister to her heart with some loving, encouraging words, but my house was such a wreck and I was such a wreck and so I kept thinking I would get everything "right" and then take over the thank you/invite the next week. . . .  And I kept meaning to, and meaning to.

Finally, I decided the Week Without Children would be a good time for uninterrupted, adult conversation, and made up an invitation for tea in my kitchen and asked her to contact me to arrange it at her convenience.  I waited until after the mail carrier had come by, and then walked over and slipped it into their mailbox with the other letters.  And never heard from her.

But then about 2 weeks ago I started to notice some things were different over there.  Our houses are very close together, but their front entry and driveway are on the other side from us, with tall privacy fences in between, so we really don't see the neighbors coming or going or notice what they are about unless they come over to the far side of their back deck, which overlooks our yard.  But I started to notice all the usual things from the deck weren't there any more.  I didn't hear the neighbors as much (the terrible fighting stopped shortly after the big gift, so maybe the two are connected--I don't know), and somehow the house just started to seem less occupied. So on July 30 in the evening I asked DH to walk over and peek into their windows (looking through their front fence into the big picture window in their living room--not being a peeping tom, because anyone could do this just walking by) to see if he saw anything amiss. And he came back and reported that it looked like they were moving, as most of their furniture was gone.  And he suggested that since the next day was the last day of the month, they would probably finish moving their stuff out that next day.

Ack!  No more time to procrastinate!  So the next morning I wrote out the thank-you note I should have written months earlier, and ran over and taped it to their gate.  Then the girls all sat at the kitchen table and made the sweetest big rainbow out of heavy cardstock and tissue paper and colorful embellishments and cotton ball clouds and a big red heart.  It took all day (except for lunch and some errands), and we finished right before having to leave for swimming lessons at 5pm.  It was still tacky with glue, but I was worried the neighbors would come and get the last load of stuff in the driveway before we got back from swimming.  And my timing was perfect, because when I ran over, there was a friend of theirs loading up the stuff from the driveway, and so he opened the garage so I could put the art in it by the very last load they would come back for (and I taped the thank you note on the back).  I am sure now they must have received it.   

I also found out from the friend that they only moved across the creek!  So they are still very near, and so I have hopes that the woman will contact me and say yes to my invitation, which I repeated in the thank you  note.

We'll see.  It's possible that my months of delay acknowledging the extravagant gift hurt her feelings and put a wedge between us.  It's possible she wants a clean break from their rough relational patch while living next door to us, and getting together with me would seem to defeat that.  It's possible she does not want to talk about anything personal, and fears I would want to.  None of this matters.  I thanked, I invited, we crafted and gifted.  I did what I needed to do to get the weight of the undone off my shoulders.

And it feels sooooooo good! 

Once the art and note were delivered, I felt free.  Spiritually so much lighter.  I did not realize how much weight just that one big undone thing carried.  I think it weighed so heavily because it involved the feelings of another person--and me imagining the unlove I might be causing that person to feel, which led me to feel guilty.  I have to remind myself that I did not ask for the overwhelming gift, it came at a really bad time, and I did not handle it like I should have, but it is over now.  DONE.  I refuse to carry any lingering remorse or guilt about it.  I will do what I intended with the gift certificate, and then that will be done too.  I even just got a notice that the charity auction is coming up, and the timing could not be better. And when I go shopping with the remainder, I will allow myself to enjoy it, and be thankful.  : )  I will be blessed by it and pray God blesses my former neighbor too.

But the huge release I have already experienced just from delivering the art and note leads me to think--what else have I been dragging my feet on that is a huge burden in my life/heart/house/thinking/energy/spirit?  I want to seek out those things and GET THEM DONE.  I have enough to worry about in every day--I don't want excess!

So even before I got out of bed this morning I thought about the things that I wanted/needed to do, the things that seemed most urgent or that I was spending too much time thinking about.  I'm making my list--and this time I'm not going to list everything, but just a few specific things, and then just get them done.

I meant to start today.  But this is a "summer school" week and my kids are choosing poorly and yesterday they did not get their (minimal) work done and I am finding I have to stay on top of them today (i.e. hang out here in the living room where they are working) to keep them focused and choosing well.  So, I could feel defeated before even starting my Anti-procrastination push.  But I'm just choosing instead to be happy for lots of blogging time today, and make firm goals for the big push.  I hope to blog more specifically about it tomorrow--and will let you know when I'm starting, in case you want to jump in the fun with me!  We can encourage one another! 

Happy Wednesday Thursday everyone!

On Gay Marriage--with more question marks than exclamation points

Sometimes when I am quiet on this blog it is because I am spending my blogging time writing on someone else's blog. Yes, that's the vanity of bloggers--getting so sure of our own voices that we jump into discussion elsewhere, assuming we are most welcome. ; )  I don't post long comments to other people's blogs often--just when it seems welcomed and warranted.  And sometimes it is better to blog elsewhere, where the topic has already been raised, then here on my own blog, where my opinions might make someone feel less welcome.  I would never want that!  I want this blog to be a safe place for people to visit--and I hope anyone who visits feels welcome and never attacked.  I also never want my visitors to think I am saying my perspective is the right one, and hope you all who read feel comfortable commenting and even disagreeing with me.  (As long as we all stay kind. : ) 

So, there are things going on in the world that I do have strong opinions about that I've never gone into on this blog.  Sometimes because I imagine you are as tired as I am of hearing about them!  And sometimes because I imagine you might be feeling like I am, that there is always someone pointing fingers and name calling those who disagree with them, and so you just don't want to go there.  It feels pretty much like a person is wrong for his or her own opinions about anything wherever they turn in the media/social media.  I might disagree with someone about something, but I try to always see where they are coming from, and affirm their right to their voice, and a different opinion.  At least, I hope I always do. 

Anyway, a few weeks back I was led to this blog post about different Christian perspectives on gay marriage.  It had some of the best dialogue (at least in the comments) I have come across in the whole big national debate--but most importantly, it had some of the most reasonable discussion.  It was a safe place to voice an opinion and be treated with respect.  So I ended up writing my own stance, which I decided to share with you here too:


I find myself in a fascinating place of “betweens”:

–Honored to have gay and lesbian friends and also very conservative Christian friends.
 
–Very aware that in Christ I have the full freedom to love them all, equally, without reservation.

–Christian, but fully aware that I do not (yet?) understand what God thinks about his gay children marrying, but do know that He loves them.

–Pro-civil unions, but saddened by the political usurpation of the covenantal term “marriage” (I think all legally-recognized unions should be civil, and the sacrament of Christian marriage should have nothing to do with the government–too late to turn back that clock, however!)

–Very glad that there are churches that welcome and embrace homosexuality, since I don’t (yet?) know what God thinks about it and gay marriage. But also proud of my church and pastors for not capitulating to cultural pressure to say it is Ok when they believe God’s Holy Word says otherwise. We are in one of the most liberal areas in the US, but our pastors and church body manage to walk that fine line of welcoming and truly loving people, but also not being ashamed to speak what they believe is God’s Truth. God is not politically correct, that I know for sure.

–Believing that our government did (albeit unintentionally) guarantee same-sex marriage in its original documents, when it built our nation upon the right to “pursue happiness.” But also believing that the church must not have the same definition of liberty—our definitions and understandings of such terms must come from Scripture, and from the closest, most accurate reading of it, regardless of whether or not it says what we want it to say.

–Wanting only the best for my GLBTQ (and whomever else I am omitting) friends, and those who are going to be entering into same-sex marriages. I am so happy for them for finding love, and do believe that ANY human love is the result of the lingering image of God within us—we can only love at all because of Him, so any love is worth celebrating—but yet if I do believe that same-sex love is not what God intended, and may be outside of His will for His beloved children, then how am I loving my GLBTQ friends by pretending all is well?

–Actually being quite comfortable with the conundrum above, since I believe we can love people fully, and speak the truth as best we know it, and still live in unity. But very few other people seem to be comfortable with it—needing others to think as they do.

–Really uncomfortable with ANYBODY, on either side of the issue, who claims complete authority about their interpretation of God’s word. Why don’t we hear more qualifiers when people write/speak? Whatever happened to phrases like “according to a traditional interpretation of Scripture. . . ” or “As best as I can understand this passage. . . “? Everyone writes as if they are the final word. (Kudos to Preston Yancey for his carefully-written stance.)

–Concerned that there is such a thing as a slippery slope—and while I completely agree with the commentator who said she would much rather be on the slipper slope with the Holy Spirit than on seemingly firm ground, it sure seems to me that there is historical precedent for and fine logical thinking behind some people bemoaning some of the potential places they foresee this historic moment taking us.

And speaking of which, I used to teach rhetoric at a large university, and taught my students to address “likely objections to their argument” in their persuasive writing. When I see Christians theorizing about the implications of cultural trends, and projecting the future path of our nation, I see a lot of negative backlash from those who disagree, but rarely a logical address of their insights and concerns. In other words, it is really easy to shout things like “hate speech!” and “homophobe” and “fear-monger!” but much less easy to form a clearly-articulated and well-reasoned address of the actual concerns raised. And NEITHER side is very good at anticipating and addressing “likely objections.” While I agree that the original authors of this post did not end up representing a very broad spectrum of opinions on this topic, I have appreciated that the comments section has been overall lucid, respectful, intelligent, and has better addressed dissenting views.

Just a few thoughts to add to the discussion. No human issues are only black and white, and I wish more people were willing to live in the “gray” spaces between. Not saying my “between” stance is the only correct one to have–and thus negating the very idea of it!–but saying I very much appreciate people who are willing to be vulnerable, and seek to understand others, and not claim to have all the answers, not even claiming to have all the questions, but doing their best to love no matter what.

______________

I didn't share the more personal stuff.  Like the fact that DH and I have gay and lesbian friends in real life.  That I actually believe there is nothing wrong with gay and lesbian relationships and believe I am not only called to love all people, but am called to be true friends with them.  I think they should be allowed to marry--in a legal espousement.  But I also think all this changes when the people in question are professing faith in Christ.  Then--I don't know.  I have read lots of theological views about why God does not want his children in homosexual relationships--and their interpretations of Scripture seem sound. Their arguments are logical.  I have also read arguments that attempt to prove that we have traditionally misinterpreted those same passages of Scripture, and God is not anti-homosexuality but actually anti-pederasty (for example). 

I need to tell you that I WANT to be convinced that God is fine with active homosexuality in his faith-professing children, and that He supports gay marriage.  But I have not been convinced--so far the interpretations and explanations of Scripture seem to make more sense the other way.  If anyone reading this wants to recommend a book that successfully posits the Bible as pro-gay stance, please feel free to recommend it. 

Most of all, I want to take God at His word, and not fall into the trap of reading into His word what I want it to say.

I am also confused because there is clear biological evidence that what we call gender is actually much more fluid in it's physical construct than we may have previously believed.  It is really a spectrum,  like so many other things about our physical/emotional/mental natures.  Our biology makes some men more slender and have higher-pitched voices--i.e. slightly more "feminine."  Similarly, some women are stronger and have lower voices--or more facial hair.  Do we say God messed up in making them?  That He clearly slipped a little too much of one gender into the batter on accident?  Or did He make them just like He wanted them--at just a  slightly higher or lower place on the spectrum than what we would expect?

Some people are born with both sets of genitalia, and their "true" gender is not even expressed until they hit puberty.  Again, did God mess up?  Is their condition the result of the Fall, and how all of creation has been perverted away from His original, perfect design?  Or are they perfect, just as they are? 

Some people are born with genetic variances so that they express one  gender their whole life--but in actuality their chromosomes are those for the opposite gender!  Yes, such things happen, and learning about them was the first thing that made me wonder if God might just actually make some people gay.  I strongly urge anyone who is also wrestling with these ideas to watch this video. 

Then again, being created physically to be "gay" might have nothing to do with what God expects of us in terms of Righteousness. 

And I firmly believe that God would not create anyone without any choice but to sin.  How could He? 

But I do also believe we can have genetic pre-disposition to things that could more readily lead us to sin--like chemical imbalances in the brain that are inherited by future generations (we are learning more about this all the time through research into epigenetics).  Also, there are things that we as humans are doing to our environment that are having consequences we never would have anticipated--so then do we say the gender expression differences that come from human meddlings are personal sin or "the sins of the fathers vested upon the children"?  Either way, what do we say to those men and women with corrupted DNA when they show up at church ready to profess faith in Christ but not ready to give up their same-sex partner and commit themselves to a life of celibacy? 

Sigh. 

So, that's why I wrote the above to that web dialogue--to represent the middle ground of people who just don't know what to think, and who don't assume they know what God thinks about it all.  I know what I *think* He says about homosexuality, and what I can then infer He thinks about gay marriage. But I also know Jesus wept.  He knows our human struggles and His heart broke for us--and His love covers all sin.  His quiet voice stills all confusion--but have we learned how to listen?  

I really appreciated this article for how it questioned why we as Christians are so up in arms over gay marriage, something Jesus did not specifically talk about in Scripture, when we are at the same time so conveniently ignoring other things He said loudly and clearly.  One of my favorite quotations from the piece:  "Maybe we should all be required to pick an issue that requires US to change and not OTHERS to change." Now that thought perfectly reflects Jesus. 

One book I just heard about yesterday, which I am now very interested in reading: The Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert: An English Professor's Journey Into Christian Faith by Rosaria Champagne Butterfield.  (Isn't her name straight out of a novel?)  She was a tenured professor at Syracuse, and a lesbian in a committed long-term relationship.  And then. . . God happened.

So, there you go.  I'm out of the closet, so to speak, about my feelings and thoughts about gay marriage.  To sum it all up: I don't know.

Last thought: DH's best friend from high school is a wonderful man named Chris.  He is gay, and when he was going to get "married" (way back when it just meant something to couples as a sign of personal commitment and had no blessing of the state) in Washington state, he invited DH to come.  DH went, gladly, wanting to share in his friend's happiness and show him love.  I remember when I told my parents he was going to do this--anticipating mild disapproval and disappointment, I admit--I was surprised and happy when my dad said, "Good for him."  He recognized that we show God's love to people by being in relationship with them. 

One of our pastors, Dan Kimball, said it this way in a sermon (my paraphrase): anytime a non-believer invites us into his or her life, that space is holy ground.

Anyone want to share more fodder for discussion?  Your thoughts are welcome!