the origin of First Christmas

Before I jump into the history of First Christmas for anyone interested, I want to say that this year's Christmas celebration with my husband's parents was the best we have ever had.  MIL was so gracious and really bent herself backwards being as loving and accommodating as possible.  LOVE reigned.  I would love to share more later--but I just wanted to get that straight up front.  This post delves back into our painful family past--and I wanted to start out with the beautiful, positive now to offset it. : )
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Our family tradition of "First Christmas" began years and years ago, about eight years into our marriage. When my Dear Husband and I first married, we lived in Colorado, in the same town his parents lived in.  So for the first five years of our marriage, just because of the close proximity, DH and I spent every. single. holiday with his parents (except for one or two visits to IL and my family). Even Valentine's Day. Oh, and most Sundays too. This was all happening, too, during the absolute worst parts of our relationship with his parents. I can't begin to explain why at this moment, because the reasons are so complex, but MIL was chronically unhappy with us, and made sure we knew it, and DH just wanted to do whatever she wanted (like most everybody else did) to keep the peace, and I was always a little mouse tiptoeing around trying my best not to be offensive but of course was all the more offensive for that, and DH and I muddled and flailed through that period.  It was ugly, and sin-saturated, and felt hopeless and was so painful to live through.  And because we lived in the same town, it was unrelenting. And it flavored every. single. holiday.

But it was actually ok, too; because we lived in the same town, we were never staying in their house, so any holiday we could celebrate with DH's parents but then later go and celebrate privately together in our own home, our own way.  One celebration was for sharing with family, at which we laid our own feelings and wishes aside to be as respectful and accommodating as possible.  And one was for just us, at which we could relax into emotional safety and enjoy greater personal meaning.  

Then DH's parents decided it was time to sell their house in CO and move back to MIL's hometown in northern California, so they could settle down once and for all and be ready to care for her parents, who were starting to need more help in their old age. I confess, I was glad. To be honest, it felt like DH and I could finally start building our life together. Life suddenly became so much easier, and less stressful. We still saw DH's folks a couple times a year, but it was so much easier to force on the smile and jump through hoops for a week-long visit than to live like that chronically. We had done a complete reversal, and instead of being immersed in the family dynamics, we now only stepped into that world about 4 times in 2 years, and that was fine by me.

But then the little software start-up DH worked for went belly-up, as so many did that year of the Dot Com bust, and so he ended up looking for work for 4 months, then getting a 6-month position, then being unemployed again for 5 months, and then finally--thankfully--getting a job.  (The same job he has now.)

And out of the whole United States, God chose to bring us to California. Only 5 hours away from DH's parents.

And there was no question about God's plan in that--He knew I was all too happy just faking my way through interactions with DH's parents, spending as little time and investing as little emotion into the relationship as possible. Sure, there were legitimate reasons for why I was doing so, mainly self-protective, but they did not please God. So, I know that is one reason he brought us here, where we would HAVE to be back in more routine relationship with DH's parents, just far enough away to have our own lives but close enough so that we would see them frequently.

I wanted to stay put. God wanted me to follow.

I wanted to be emotionally safe. God wanted me to be vulnerable.

I wanted to get comfortable. God wanted me to get busy learning and loving and growing.

I wanted to keep a difficult relationship as far removed as possible. God wanted to use that relationship to do His good work in me--and in other people too.

I wanted to go about my own life. God wanted me to acknowledge the only life worth living is in Him, and it is not safe and it is not comfortable, but He has promised to be my protector and my Champion, and I can trust His lead.

SO, we moved to beautiful Monterey Bay the day after Christmas that year, and it was a terrible experience, and definitely a Christmas without Christ for me, mainly because of chronic exhaustion (DH was already at his new job in CA and so I packed up our house while being a single working mom of a 2 year old and being 7 months pregnant) and major stresses with DH's parents, who had come out from CA to help us with the move.

The next Christmas, our first after getting settled there in CA, we of course spent with DH's family.  God has already been whispering His plan to me, so I knew I needed to start actually engaging with my in-laws at the holidays, and so we just went gung-ho to DH's folks to have Christmas.  I don't remember exactly how things went, but know it was alternately pleasant and painful, fun and fearful, meaningful and maddening.  But mostly characterized less by any focus on Christ and more by us walking on eggshells the entire time, trying not to set off any landmines--and always failing. (I can speak with assurance because that's how our holidays would be for many years to come.)  We had become resigned to such holidays when we were young marrieds and just had ourselves to get through--but now we had two little kids, and the unhealthy family dynamics were all the more exposed for what they were. (They were little enough that they did not notice any negativity, but just their presence alone put things in greater perspective for me.)

In my newfound idealism I had even tried to share some of my own Christmas traditions with DH's family--bringing my grandma's sweet potato recipe to Christmas dinner, adding my gum-drop tree to the dessert table--but they were clearly not welcome.  (Looking back, how naive was that!--everybody likes their own nostalgic traditions, and MIL is no different, so why would she want my foreign ways and foods encroaching?  I might feel the exact same way. ; ) So, it was an OK Christmas, and a fine way to start our new life in relationship.  But I confess my heart had a hard time celebrating.

So the next year, when we once again were preparing to having Christmas with DH's parents, there was a moment when I had a sudden, despairing vision of all our future Christmasses with DH's parents, and it always being slightly stressful, and somewhat foreign to our spirits, and our children never knowing any traditions that were from my side of the family, or foods that were special to my childhood, or even ever hearing the Christmas story read from the Bible on Christmas Day--and I broke down and bawled.  DH was so sweet, and utterly brilliant.  After listening to my lament, he simply said, "Well, why don't we have our own Christmas then?"  I sniffed and blinked and asked, "What do you mean?"  And he responded with the idea of having our own Christmas celebration before we went to Chico to be with DH's family.  At first I did not like that idea, because it seemed wrong--Christmas only comes once a year, everybody knows that!  You can't have two Christmasses.  Santa can't come twice!  But to all my objections, DH would simply ask, "Why not?"

And so our First Christmas tradition was birthed.  And it turned out SO good.  We did everything we wanted--I made the foods my family used to eat, we got the kids dressed up and took pictures, we read the Scripture about Christ's birth, we watched Christmas specials.  It was so relaxing and fun and embodied everything I ever wanted in a Christmas.  And then I discovered that having our private Christmas first prepared my heart for the family Christmas!  With my heart full of Christmas already, I was completely at peace about doing whatever my husband's family wanted to do, and was so much more engaged with the activities and ready to build relationships in honor of Jesus.  First Christmas completely saved me from years of building resentment and feelings of loss and depression. 

And we have continued to have First Christmas every year since.  Sometimes our First Christmas comes second, as it did this year--we just plan it for whatever Saturday before Christmas or immediately after makes the most sense.  Sometimes we even have it on a different day of the week, and DH takes off work.  Over the years it has gotten simpler, and we have started some new traditions as a family for it, but there are several elements that will always be the same:  we spend the whole day together, we are not in a rush to do anything, we try to make Jesus the focus, we just enjoy one another, and we do whatever is special to us.  Oh, and I keep my expectations low. : )

I love First Christmas!  Even when it comes Second.  And we had a great day yesterday. 

First Christmas, second

credit: George Takei on facebook

Good morning, and Merry Second Christmas to you all!

Or, to be more accurate, Merry First Christmas, Second!

I don't think I have ever told you all the full story of our family First Christmas tradition.  I started to write it out this morning, but am out of time.  The kids have been finishing up some last-minute Christmas poems and hand-made gifts in the bedroom, but it sounds like they will be coming out any minute.  They will come and jump on the bed where DH is still trying to get a few last winks--since he and I managed to stay up till two a.m two nights in a row and are completely exhausted.  The first late night was driving back from spending Christmas with DH's family--we stayed late to have as much time for the cousins to play together as possible, so arrived home around midnight, and by the time we had the fire going and things settled for the night it was the wee hours of the morning.  Last night it was not starting to stuff stockings and finish wrapping gifts until we were sure the kids were all asleep, which was around 11:30!  So, once again, we finished our tasks in the wee hours. 

Yes, we do stockings this morning!  And gifts from us to our kids, and we open the presents that have come from family afar.  I love our First Christmas tradition--and here come the kids, so more later!

Have a great Saturday, however YOU spend it! : )

You Can't Lose Christmas.

Just saying hi.  I look back at that last post, and think of all the things I had really wanted to write about, ideas to share about how I am choosing to make this holiday season more purposefully focused on what Matters.  And then I sigh.  Because somehow this holiday season has completely run away from me.  In fact, I don't even really have time to blog now, but we are getting ready to head "over the river and through the woods" and could not bear the thought of not wishing all of you Merry Christmas at least!

I'm also going to leave you with a blog post that has meant a LOT to me over the past couple of weeks.  I have been so busy, and stressed, and there was a period when my kids were acting horrible to me (that's over, thank the Lord!) and I was grumpy and getting blue that I felt like we were missing out on what Christmas is all about--and my mind would keep going back to the title alone, and I would immediately feel better.

You STILL can't lose Christmas, Ralphie.

Of course I don't necessarily take the idea the same as Christine, who is writing about living life fully with kids "from the hard places," but I take it with my own gloominess, too-high expectations, and desire to parent always out of love and compassion.  No matter how my kids treat me, they can't lose Christmas.  No matter how bummed I might be feeling that moment, I can't lose Christmas.  Christmas is Christ With Us.  You CAN'T lose that.  It is available to everybody, no matter what. 

And then the idea became helpful too after the national tragedy of two Fridays ago.   No matter what evil may be happening in the world, we can't lose Christmas.  In fact, the evil in the world is exactly why we need Christmas. 

So, whatever might be stressing you, or upsetting you, or depressing you, my dear Reader--

YOU can't lose Christmas.

Merry Christ-mas to each of you!  May God bless you and yours the rest of this season!

attempting to have more thoughtful Christmas Pt 1.

This year I am doing a Jesse Tree Advent activitiy with my kids.  Or, I should say, will be doing it, as soon as I make it happen.  I had heard about it before, but just really understood what it was this year, and found a great guide that I printed out and will use every day from now until Christmas for our morning devotions.  We will make a (quick construction paper) display on the fridge that looks (even remotely) like a Christmas tree, and every day each child will get a turn drawing/coloring a small paper "ornament" that has the symbol for that day's devotional, which we will stick on the "tree."  I am not having my family hand-make real ornaments for the real tree, as some families do, because a) that raises the bar of time involvement and forethought, and I think if I try to make this is a bigger deal it just won't happen, and b) we won't get the tree up until this weekend when we go to cut it down, and I think if I wait to start until after then, it just won't happen. 

Now, even though I'm starting behind--and you all know how much I hate feeling behind on any project--its fine.  So much better to jump in a little late than never do it. 

So yesterday I started talking with the kids about the idea of the Jesse tree and we read a whole chapter from Isaiah.  (And then before we could do the activity part, some friends came by and then it was off to music and then martial arts testing and then I had a phone meeting and then it was bedtime. Sigh.)  Today I am putting the decoration of the fridge part on our homeschool list (ok, technically it was up there already two days this week) and will make it a priority.  It helps that I have four kids, so if they each make one "ornament" and I make one--we are good!  And we will read more of the scripture at breakfast. . . and probably at lunch. . . and maybe at dinner. . . and then again at bedtime. . . and while that is not the ideal way to do it, we will (hopefully!) be all caught up by tomorrow and can do the rest of the morning devotionals on schedule.  Or maybe we won't be all caught up.  But we will at some point read through all the scripture, and at some point will finish the art part, and this is why I don't try to be one of those blogger moms with amazing photographs of her charming children and their precious art projects--because my goal is not to impress anyone, or even to have precious art, but just to try to get our focus on the things that really matter.  And right now, even if I do it imperfectly, getting our hearts and minds focused on Jesus is what matters.

More (hopefully!) on this theme--a more throughful Christmas--tomorrow!

best of facebook 12/4

Attributed to "I love being a mom" on facebook.

 

 

Rainy Saturday

Just another little update. Of various random things.  With random pictures!

Smiley in dress-up glasses.  They make him look years older!

It is pouring down rain.  Heavenly bathtubs upended.  I sit here typing in my little tiny house, with the rain thundering on the roof above us--with no insulation, no attic space, just the full force of nature on the other side of those boards and ancient layers of tar shingles, we hear every drop, and during a full downpour it can be so loud you have to raise your voice to be heard.  In fact, that ancient roof is one of the things the house inspectors laughed at when we bought the house--whoever put on the "new" roof so many years ago just slapped new roofing on top of the old, and it buckles in places, and has moss growing inbetween the layers, and when we moved in the home inspectors said it would need to be replaced right away.  Well, around here if it ain't broke, we don't fix it. (Ok, and sometimes even when it is broke.)  That ugly, non-conforming roof is holding tight, and when the rain is coming down in sheets outside my windows, and pounding above my head, doing its best to hammer its way into our little shelter, I marvel at how snug and good our little house is.  I think I feel most blessed when the weight of a winter rain storm is upon us and yet here we sit, secure, dry, warm.  This little unconventional house is taking better care of us than we take care of it.  Those who don't like its humble nature have forgotten to be thankful for safe shelter--but the rain drumming on my ceiling reminds me of the blessing of a good roof.

Another blessing during the rain--good dry, warm feet!  My late birthday present from my Dear Husband and my dear Becky was a day shopping up in a nice retail area in San Jose on Tuesday. It was a wet day, and I wore my new boots all day, and was so cozy!

That day Becky brought her two girls to leave with ours, and then she and I headed "over the hill" while DH worked from home and oversaw a little bit of homeschool and a whole lot of dress-up.  We ate yummy, healthy food for lunch, and then did our best to spend money, but were thwarted almost every step of the way.  Seriously--last year when we did this I found some wonderful neo-Victorian pieces in the stories; this year there was NOTHING.  Both Becky and I did find a couple of tops at H&M, of all places, but I can't even show them to you because it appears their online offerings are not the same as in the stores.  But they were two basic striped tops, one thin striped black & cream long sleeved, one thick striped black & blue 3/4 sleeve.  I have been looking for a striped top to layer under things since last year, so that was a fun find.  And H&M is very cheap, so that was good too. But hours of shopping produced no other clothes!  I think eBay will continue to be my personal shopping "mall" of choice.

I did find one thing during our shopping, however, that immediately made me look cuter than when I walked into the store, which is one of my criteria for new clothes:

This adorable scarf!  It goes with everything, and esp. looked so cute with my new boots, and so I decided it would be my one splurge of the day.  : )  I wore it out of the store, and got compliments on the scarf all the rest of the day!

The other thing we tried to shop for were boots.  Yes, I have my rainy day boots, but am still hankering for a black pair of shoes/boots to wear to church--otherwise I am afraid I have clothes that I just won't end up wearing this winter. As you know, I have been looking online, but it is hard to see cute things but not want to pay for shipping and handling and return costs just to try them out--esp. because the boots I tried showed me that I now officially have old, cranky feet, and they are just NOT happy unless they are comfortable.  Oh, and did I mention that my toes are irregularly long?  Zappos is so great, but they don't have everything.  So, Becky and I stopped in Macy's and looked at a mile of footwear--and it seems the ladies in San Jose all like fairly conservative boots, and riding boots are the latest thing, since that's pretty much what the selection was.  I did find the section of Born and Clarks and found some styles I had blogged about on Minnie Zephie, so it was fun to try those after admiring them online, but I guess Black Friday shopping had pretty much decimated the sizes available, so I only tried on three pairs of shoes total.

So, to make up for our shopping sorrows, we went to the Cheesecake factory to gorge ourselves on. . . salad.  No, we did not actually have any cheesecake, because Becky is getting over illness too, and I was feeling it coming back on, but she bought a piece for DH as a thank-you, and I bought tirimasu to indulge in the next day (remember, this was supposed to be my belated b-day celebration, and what's a b-day without cake? ; ), and was so glad I did because I woke up the next day sick again, and it was Sunny's birthday and I did not feel like making a cake and could stick candles in the tirimasu and she was thrilled that I had bought her such a fancy, special dessert and it was generous enough to cut into four small pieces and all the kids licked their plates clean and were happy. 

Have I mentioned I love how my kids are so easy to please?

We will have Sunny's official 12th birthday dinner with Becky's girls this Sunday night, when people should be all healthy again.

Homeschool charter field trip this past week to NASA!  DH took off of work to take Sunny and Merry, and it sounded like an amazing experience. Here Sunny is trying to throw a ball to a partner while they are rotating--so you have to throw the ball to where the person will be, not where they are.  So cool for the kids to experience such principles and then hear how they use such concepts in space!

Yes, the crud I had earlier came back, and has settled in my throat (swollen glands painful to the touch, chronic pain deep in my throat), and I am starting to think it is a virus that will need antibiotics to go away.  But I am waiting it out till next week.

The first round of the illness I had earlier hung over my all Thanksgiving weekend, but we still had a nice time with DH's family.  MIL was a little feisty at the beginning, but I think me being sick actually helped soothe things, because it seemed like she was trying to be purposefully more gentle and forgiving.  I even begged off the two big family bike rides, staying at their house to rest and drink tea, something which normally would not be ok, and she did not give me a hard time.  And I thought we communicated well too.  Like when I had a night where I got almost no sleep (Oma treated the kids with a late screening of the movie "Brave" before bed, and they all had a hard time going to sleep, and then Happy came in at 1 am and said her tummy was hurting but she thought it was because she was hungry, and since the girl has a sensitive stomache and sometimes throws up if she has not eaten well, we got up and went down for a midnight banana and milk snack, but at 3 Sunny came in to tell me Happy was throwing up in bed, so after I got all that taken care of I was laying back in bed and trying to figure out why I could not sleep and realized I was getting that old familiar crampy feeling--sure enough, had to get up and get ready for bleeding, and think it was about 4:30 when I finally went to sleep. And of course the kids still woke up at 7:30. . . ) and I just told MIL in the morning to please be gentle and patient with me, because I would likely be slow-moving, clumsy, thick-headed, and poor company because of it.  That might seem like no big deal, but those are all things that can make anyone annoyed, but esp. someone who is more sensitive to seeing negativity and personal affront everywhere, so for me to be able just to be vulnerable and say "I will likely be annoying you all day, and I apologize in advance for it, so please know I am doing my best" and for her to receive that and be gracious to me all weekend--that was really big, relationally.

Earlier this month the girls were in a small production of Peter Pan.  Here they are after the first performance with Opa.  Sunny was Liza the Darling maid, Happy was a Lost Child, and Merry was an Islander.

Ok, time to get the kids moving.  They have been playing happily (and boisterously) in the bedroom for a long time--but Sunny and Merry have pre-black-belt testing today.  They should both receive their black belts in Ho Kuk Mu Sul (Korean martial arts) sometime this year, but there are several testings they will go through to prepare for that big test. 

Hope your Saturdays are good, wherever you are and however you spend them!  Happy birthday too to my Dear Dad--we love you!