Mashup of all things last weekend

I can't believe it is Friday again.  Oh, how this summer is flying by!  This week flew by particularly quickly, and so I'm just now finishing the post I started last Monday.  It's a jumble of weather, work, worries and whatnot--all the things that were part of last weekend, when my in-laws visited again.  And it's full of mental processing of what I'm learning through it all.  In other words, you have been warned. ; )

Overall the weekend went well.  The weather started out terribly and Saturday morning at the outdoor martial arts promotion the temp was in the upper 50's/lower 60's and we were shivering under fog so moisture-laden it was spitting tiny droplets.  But after a few hours, the sun burned through and the day turned beautiful--and we all got a little sunburned. Sigh.  I mention these little incidences because weather is one of those things certain people always complain about when they come visit us, as if cold fog in summer is the result of our foolish home-buying decisions, and visible signs of too much sun is a poor reflection on my ability to make wise choices for the well-being of my children.  But actually, MIL started out the weekend very well regulated, so that even the terrible weather and mild sunburns did not lead to painful conversations.  In fact, MIL was very patient and gracious with everything on Saturday, and--interpersonally speaking--we had a lovely day, all day! 

The three girls before the official event started. 

Each new black belt is escorted down to the front by a higher-ranking belt.

 

Sunny was escorted by a young man who also leads classes, and is one of her favorite instructors.

Receiving the new belt from Master Jin, the man who brought Ho Kuk Mu Sul (Korean Mixed Martial Arts) to the States.

Congratulations to the new first degree black belts!

Sunny with her two favorite instructors.

Sunny did well with her part in the black belt demonstrations, performing her sword form and leaping off of other people to break boards with kicks.  Tough little girls are so cute, and we are very proud of her.   Merry is one step behind her older sister, and will likely earn her black belt at the Winter promotions.  And then Happy is already one step behind that, so will earn hers sometime in the next couple of years.  Smiley will start martial arts sometime this next year, since he will be in kindergarten!  I can't believe it--my little guy getting so big.

random cute photo of Smiley, since we did not get any of him this past weekend. This was taken at Easter up at my in-laws'

So that was Saturday.  Sunday we went to church and it was another gorgeous day, so afterwards we went out to a restaurant on the Santa Cruz wharf and then lounged on the beach for a few minutes and then headed the scenic route home, driving as much as possible along the coast to enjoy the ocean views.  But by the time we arrived back home, when most of the afternoon was gone, MIL was starting to lose her patience.  You see, she is always conflicted when they visit us--in her mind, how can we "goof off" when there is so much work needing to  be done around our house and property?  So what we see as positive, good and even necessary family relaxation time, she sees as a waste of time.  And that starts to make her anxious, and then negative.   So MIL was a trooper on Saturday, not complaining about how we were "wasting" time, even when we lingered after the promotion event was over to play at the playground and explore a nearby creek.  But then Sunday, after we had "wasted" that whole day too, it was just too much, and after dinner when the kids were in bed and the grownups were chatting in the living room, things got negative. 

I can really understand MIL's frustration.  DH and I bought this little shack house with the intentions of fixing it up and even adding on.  In fact, we jumped right into the improvements as soon as it was officially ours, and in the first few weeks made it so much more attractive and livable.  But when we started looking into the bigger projects, and realized how expensive it is to do any remodeling in this county because of the required permits and reports, and how much of a headache it will all be because nothing about our house currently meets code, we lost momentum.  For example, permission to replace ONE interior window without enlarging or otherwise altering the wall opening is several hundred dollars, and we would be required to bring the entire wall of that window up to code, which would mean architect drawings for new framing, retroactive permits for the electrical outlets that DH and FIL have been replacing, and who knows what else.  So, suddenly replacing one window ends up costing thousands of dollars, even if we are doing the work ourselves.  (It is cheaper to install a lot of windows at once, because you can add additional windows on to the first permit for a lot less money, but that is completely unfeasible for us, given the requirement to bring the window walls up to code--essentially, that would mean rebuilding our whole little house!)  It makes me so mad, because it is clear the overzealous rules favor new construction and big budgets, and are elitist at their core.

Ok, rant over.  But I'm sure you can imagine how frustration and financial limitations could lead to despondency, and then to apathy, which is where I think my Dear Husband has remained for several years now.  We started out well after buying the house, but there was so much to do, and then that good home-improvement momentum failed, and now it has been quite a while since DH's parents have seen any real improvements to the property, and pretty much anywhere you look around the house and yard there are numerous half-completed projects, problems and eyesores begging for attention, which we seem to have just forgotten about or have resigned ourselves to live with as-is.  Like the falling-over front fence.  The gaping hole around the fireplace where the soapstone surround will be someday.  The cracked bathroom sink without a working "cold" tap.  The shoplight clamped to a curtain rod in the bedroom in lieu of a hardwired fixture.  These things we have been fine living with on temporary basis--but when temporary becomes seemingly permanent. . . it is really easy to understand why MIL has a hard time visiting without becoming upset by her surroundings.  She and FIL are can-do, hands-on people, and let me tell you, it is just about killing her that she can't do what she wants with us, and with our space, when she so desperately feels she and FIL can't keep their hands off our projects, if any of them will ever get done.

But what she forgets is that they are our projects.  And that whatever her feelings are, and however strong her desire for resolution, they actually don't matter.  She is psychologically investing herself into things that are not really her concern, and over which she really has no control.  But she has a hard time separating herself, because of course she wants the best for her kids and grandkids--which would be the opposite of what this house is--and because she believes that she and FIL are the only ones who can make the positive changes the house needs.

OK, now this is fascinating for me to be writing, because none of this is what I set out to write.  I was not going to talk about our house and projects at all, but instead the interpersonal aspects of the visit and what God is showing me through them.  But I have just realized that so much of what I just said about MIL directly translates to where I was really going.  Let's see if I can make these connections the least bit coherent. . . .

The bottom line is that we had some really good things happening interpersonally this weekend, but also some returning to old ways of relating, and old stresses.  And my MIL did a good job of letting go of some things, and being patient, and overlooking a lot. . . but then could only go so far.  Still, good for her, and thank you God! 

I think this might be the first weekend where I want to give MIL more credit for keeping the peace than I give myself.  While she did a good job Saturday of letting go of a lot, I had a harder time.  As you might have guessed from my last post before the weekend, I was doing my best to have a good attitude and expect the best of our time with family--and yet was fearful of the less-than-best.  I confess that I was anticipating negativity, and so when it did come, even if briefly, I let myself catch and dwell on it, which of course just made me all the more vulnerable to the next little bit of negativity.  In other words, I was dwelling in a too-weak heart place, and ended up being part of the problem and not the solution.  I can't be too hard on myself about this, as I know I have a bit of PTSD lingering from the worst years of our relationship and it makes me prone to fear and self-protectiveness, but I'm still disappointed.  I know in my head that God is the only One who can actually make things good, who will release me from fear, who will protect me and fill me with all the strength and love I need at any moment to do the hard work of loving fully--but I too easily slip back into that place of interpersonal cowering, distrusting, hiding.

Must remind myself--and that is ok too.  His strength is made perfect in my weakness.  And when I see how my own self-protective instincts don't actually help or  heal anything, I realize all the more how much I need Him. 

So there were a couple of moments Saturday that I allowed little bits of negativity to get to me, and I ended up disheartened and momentarily very upset, even if overall the day went well.  At the time I just tried to pretend on the outside that all was fine, but inside I was in quite a storm.  The one incident I will share with you--because it was the catalyst for God speaking to me--was really quite silly.  For the potluck after the black belt promotions, I had brought our own dishware, utensils, napkins and cups.  It just seemed wise, since there would be a chance that those assigned to bring such things would not bring enough, and I am also moving our family as much as possible towards consuming less plastic, especially single-use plastic like disposable forks and cups.  Well, everyone accepted the plates and cutlery I handed out without comment, but when it came to the cup, well, MIL just put her foot down.  She had no reason to refuse, since I had plenty of cups for everyone, and would have to wash her unused cup anyway when we got home just because it had been carried with the dirty things on the way home.  But she actually turned down the clean cup I was holding out for her, and instead went and got a disposable cup provided by someone else, a cup that then would just go in the trash.  I know she was just taking a stance against what she thinks is an extreme, insidious, liberal Environmentalism that poses as Good Stewardship.  But let's admit, it was also purposefully taking a stance against me personally.  It felt like an insult, like a rejection, just so illogical and purposeful that it made me boil. 

That was the last in a series of small negative flare-ups that morning, and was like the straw that broke the camel's back.  I tried not to show my annoyance, but I am sure MIL was watching for it, and likely picked up a hint.  Those of you who know me IRL will agree that I am pretty much an open book.  So maybe she felt she needed that small victory over me, I don't know--and maybe it helped her be more regulated and gracious the rest of the day.  All I know is that at that moment it made me so indignant I had a hard time getting over it.  But after we left the picnic area and were loading things into the car, I spewed a little of my hurt and anger to my Dear Husband--and as I spoke, I realized the Holy Spirit was nudging me to listen to myself.  And as I did so, I realized I was internalizing my MIL's choice and making it all about me.  Talk about narcissism--and self-defeating foolishness.  Why did MIL's choice to use the disposable cup have anything to do with me?  I was somehow allowing it to define me, when of course the only person it says anything about is MIL. 

Ahhhh, this seems so simple, and yet seems to be such a struggle for me, and in an instant I knew this was key to another struggle I've been asking God for insight into--my parenting.  The two interpersonal issues are intertwined, and now I just need to understand in fullness how, to then better resolve both issues.

The revelation is two-fold:
a) I am too thinned-skinned, so I take in and make part of me whatever negativity I encounter. I absorb rather than deflect.

b) I react rather than respond to interpersonal conflict.  This means I have strong knee-jerk reactions to negativity, quite possibly from a self-protective instinct.

You can see how those two things are related--how they stem from the same place in me, and how they would apply to all kinds of interpersonal relationships.  My parents will be nodding at the first one--my Mother is not one to criticize her children, but she has always told me that I am too sensitive, since I was a kid.  And I have known the second one for a couple of year now in regards to my parenting--but knowing a truth about myself is different than understanding it's full ramifications, and knowing what to do about it.   But I have never before considered how the two are connected--and now with this revelation I feel I am that much closer to freedom from the tyranny of the negative in these two facets of my life! 

Let me just remind everyone reading this--my kids are healthy, normal kids.  Likely much better behaved than many.  So what I have struggled with in my parenting of them is not what they do wrong, but how much of a hard time I have responding to it with grace instead of legalism (b), and how hard it is for me not to take their "failures" to heart as a sign of how I am failing them as a mother (a).

And now here is where the processing comes around to MIL and her unhappiness with our house, and how she is allowing herself to suffer psychologically from her lack of control over us and our house, and how our relationship suffers from her desire for complete control over us and our house.  Just swap out "me" for "MIL" and "my children and their choices" for "us and our house" and you can clearly see the parallel. 

This is not the first time I have realized just how similar my MIL and I are. 

Neither is it the first time I have learned something about myself or my parenting from my relationship with my MIL.

*Now looking over what I've written I wonder--do both a) and b) apply to my MIL as well?  Are these the same things she is doing?!  Are her verbal lashings-out her own self-protective attempts to deflect what she feels is a painful challenge to her own Selfhood?

I am just so thankful that God keeps whispering to me, that He keeps giving me ears to hear and eyes to see.   I hope He will continue to grow and shape me to be the daughter-in-law and parent that He wants me to be.

But now. . . I am still processing those two important ideas.  Since they are still new, I don't really know the fullness of how they are connected and what they ultimately mean.  But I see that understanding whatever is at the heart of those two issues will be the key to building better and stronger relationships with my children and my MIL.  And probably my Dear Husband too!  I have an inkling that the ideas are related to my earlier ponderings on the idea of my identity as Blessed, as a creature defined solely by who I am in Jesus. . . but I don't have the time or brainpower to go there yet.  I need to let the first ideas settle into me, and figure out what to do with them--then I can delve further. 

So there you have it--my imperfectly reasoned, but hopefully clearly-enough articulated thoughts for this week.  I would love to hear your thoughts, if you see some connection I have not yet mentioned, or if you have experience with any of these concepts from your own life!

And in the meantime, I hope you all have long and love-filled weekends, however you will be spending them.