It being Wednesday, I'm Anti-Procrastinating This Post

; )

Good morning everyone!  This is a post that is looooooong overdue. I've been writing a post to wrap up Christmas--with photos!--but it just seems like my brain is harder to get into blog mode these days.

I still want to write that post-Christmas post, even if its Feb when I do!  I want to share some good--and God--things about our holidays, including the time in Chico.  My scripture when I opened my Bible this morning was from the Psalms, when David was lamenting feeling far removed from God, and so he decided to purposefully look back and reflect upon all that God had done for His people.  I want to be sure to write the God stuff--I want to be able to look back and see His goodness in my life. : )

So, I'll see if I can't finish that later today. After all, it is Wednesday, anti-procrastination day!

Actually, I'm making this Anti-Procrastination Week. I feel like this is just one of those times when the things needing attended to are (literally!) piling up around me. And yet, this is a week when I have a little bit of breather room and can get things done. So, I am!

The skinny:

Things are good.

School.
School has settled down A LOT, all to do with my fabulous ES Terry.  That does not mean things are running as smoothly as they should in the high school department, but at least it's not completely overwhelming like it was last semester. (Which was partly my fault, because I had not quite understood what we were getting into, and partly not my fault, because the school was changing rules even as the semester went on, and even my amazing ES would have to frequently talk to higher-ups to figure out what the heck was required. That's not the school's fault either--since it is a public charter, the State had suddenly decided to be all up in its business and so they were having to scramble to address changes the State was making, from what I understand. But still--one big headache.)

With the other kids, I'm finding myself toying more and more with the idea of unschooling. I would not ever completely unschool--at this point I fear it would be more like just giving up, and research seems to prove that unschooling really only works best when it is a family lifestyle that the kids engage with from the beginning of their "schooling."  But the idea of it--letting go of the need to control what the kids learn, trusting in their own God-given curiosity to inspire them to learn, not really using traditional textbooks or programs to "do school"--has been really helpful for me, after all the stresses of last semester.  When I step back and look at everything they do and learn on a "bare bones school" day, it is so good to see all the learning and brain-growth that happened. They really are taking in what we learn and do, and helping grow their brains is the important thing--not the specific tool/method used to do it.

redwood logging

they built a model of the transcontinental railroad. (that "snow" represents the Sierra Nevadas.)  It was their idea entirely--when learning and play naturally meld together 

(if you look carefully you can see DH and three of our kids)

the kids all made homemade bows & arrows. and spears. 

 and slingshots.

what we imagine public school feels like. 

(just kidding! ; )

math

history

um. . . art? woodshop?

this photo sums it all up perfectly

In other words, its all good.

(exhale)

(And look at that!  I just did a School in Review for the Fall!  I always mean to do those and never remember or get around to it.  Score one for Anti-Procrastination Day!

Also, those photos represent just some of the fun and learning-valuable things we did this past Fall. There are more things recorded in photos still on my phone, or DH's phone, or things we didn't document at all. It is so good to look at these and remember--my kids are doing, and trying, and inventing and imagining, and when they do these things, they learn.


Family.
After Christmas, I told DH that I thought it would be great if I did not have to see his parents for about 6 months. I was just so tired of all the negative and realized I was really angry at my MIL for all she put us through (purposefully or not) this past holiday season.  But of course God. . . instead, they called the very next day and said they wanted to come see us that next weekend. : )  And guess what--it was a perfectly fine visit. Probably the nicest visit we have had in years.  Of course it was still totally stressful for me & DH, because we spend every moment waiting for the proverbial shoe to fall.  But overall it was a very good visit, which of course is good.  We know it won't last, but we should enjoy the good when we get it.

Thanksgiving 2014

Our little family unit is doing great. Not nearly as much teen drama from Sunny now that I'm not her homeschool boss.  I've been noticing how well-bonded our kids are to each other, and that is just such a blessing. I think about the kids who spend most of their lives apart from their siblings, and who then think their siblings are "annoying." My kids understand the reality that everyone is annoying sometimes, but siblings are special. Sharing beds helps too. They rotate who sleeps in what two bunks, always paired up, and that has really helped bond them closely as well. I can't imagine those families in which the adult kids don't really like each other, or even know each other.  Or in which the kids are estranged (or even just emotionally distant from) their parents. We're not doing everything perfectly--FAR from it. And I know something tragic could still happen in our lives to change all this. But right now, I look at my kids cuddling and whispering in bed, or piling on top of their daddy, or saying they miss me when I've been away for a day, and I have Peace about my kids.

The sign reads "The House of Love. Loving Evan."

Health.
We have been really quite healthy so far this winter--only one person had a bad cold so far (Sunny). But, it's January and the acacia trees are in full bloom, so my allergies are too.  Actually, even they have not been too bad--until last night. I don't know if I am getting a cold on top of the allergies or what, but I'm way worse today today than any day so far, and I had a terrible night of sleep. But still--no flu, nothing serious. I'm thankful.

And I'm still breathing with two nostrils, which means I'm good. : : )

OK, let's see. School, family, health.


House.
Um, yeah. That's not all good. But I'm focusing on the good today, so we'll talk about that later.

(Don't worry--the house is still standing, we are still cozy and warm and dry, it just seems like problems are coming faster than we can deal with them. Some little, some big.)

But the good thing about the house being a frustrating, overwhelming dump is that I am in big-time GO mode with cleaning out junk. I mean, I'm letting go of so much stuff. Get it GONE. Of course that's also partly because after Christmas we have even MORE stuff to find room for/make storage bins for.  But also partly because, despite my best efforts and continual purging and organizing, the underside of the house looks like an episode of Hoarders.  I've been cleaning out cupboards and looking at things I have not used for years, and thinking at those objects, "You are dead to me."  And then out it goes.

Anti-procrastination feels GOOD.

So, anyone care to join me this week?  Feel free to share your successes in the comments! : )

That's it for the moment--but more to come!  Until then, have a great Wednesday, everyone!

about that blogging. . .

(started in the morning. . . )

So I have started trying to blog twice this morning, and life keeps interrupting. And then I thought at least I could share some cute photos, but my Dear Husband must have updated something on the computer and now the photo software seems to think I don't have permission to do things with photo files, so isn't letting me.  (I'm sure DH will easily remedy this by tomorrow)  But by golly, I'm going to stick to my increased blogging vow, so I'm just going to write one little thing and savor the accomplishment. ; )

First, thank you four lovely readers for your sweet and encouraging words to my last post/lament. Esp. you Dottie--SO glad you found your way in (because I did not mean to be unhelpful, but could not figure out from my end what might be hindering you logging in) and your assurances that you were inside the cozy room with me really did speak to my heart. : )

(. . . Aaaaaaaaand 9 hours later, that's all I had written.)

But.  Sara came over with her kids and we got over an hour of play and good girlfriend talk--over tea and dark chocolate no less!

And.  Later in the afternoon we went over to Becky's for even more play and GGT--with more tea and dark chocolate.

Then.  I picked up pork BBQ on the way home--a treat, and worth it tonight.

Now. I am so tired, but my tummy (and blood sugar!) are happy.  I am having yet another cup of tea, just because--another treat, and worth it tonight.

I'll have to tell you why I'm so tired, and why I am making friend (and girlfriend!) time such a priority this week. 

But.  I'll consider this much writing a success for one day!  It's been a very long, but very good day.

I hope your 2014 has begun well!

Hello!

I cannot believe it has been one day over one month since I last posted.  Let me just say, it has been a CRAZY month.  Well, actually it has been really busy since mid-August, but things really stepped up to the maximum level of crazy this month.  Just to give the skinny on the past 6 weeks (this is really for you, Mom, so you know why you have not heard from me recently!):

1. Homeschooling
--School officially started for our kids on Aug. 15, through our charter.  Smiley is a kindergartener this year, so I am now homeschooling all 4.  But already I was looking at our calendar, and everything we had on it, and so I said to myself, "Um, no."  And so my kids kept doing "summer school" until Sept 9, when our little "Redwood Academy" started the school year with new books, routines, subjects, etc.  I have been trying to trouble-shoot some of the things that did not work out well last year, and figure out why some of our previously good habits slipped awry, and so lots of new things are happening this year--so far, so good.  Hard, but good.

--Because it was the start of school, we started regular classes back up again and so my girls have been back in music, LitWits workshops (plus and a weeklong writing camp), as well as their usual martial arts classes and this semester's "Musical Mondays" theatre workshop.  And all the girls had martial arts testing (to move up a belt level) in there, and a tournament too.

2. Serving our church
--numerous meetings for Jr. High youth group team (new ministry involvement started this summer--DH and I help with events) and the youth parent panel at our church.  And this past Fri-Sat DH and Sunny went to a big event at our local Boardwalk--an overnight for jr. and high school youth groups!

--Also meetings for Soul Kitchen, our church ministry for women, and then I have been in charge of food and set up and kitchen duties for our three nights of Conversations--the last one is tomorrow night.  Oh, and I also hosted an all-day Beth Moore simulcast event.   And worked the SK table at our church ministry fair.

--DH and I and Sunny and Merry also served with the Children's Ministry two Sundays (it is hard for campus churches to meet such needs in the summer when all the college students who normally serve are gone). 

3.  Learning and growing as men and women
--DH went on a weekend men's retreat, together we did a weekend Intentional Parenting retreat, and I had an evening dinner retreat with  fellow Christian homeschool moms at the home of a lovely woman who has been mentoring us. 

4. Squeezing out the last bit of summer with friends
--We met friends at the beach, the kids had a sleepover (thanks, Sara!) and a birthday party and an adoption party, and a Red Barn Theatre dance production.

5. End of summer family fun
--DH's family had a small family reunion up in Chico, and so we went up for the last week of August.  His sister and her husband and "Spice" and "Sweetness" came out from CO, and it was wonderful to see them, and then one of his cousins and her family came down from WA, and since we have not seen them since Happy was a baby, that was special too.  It was a very fun week! 

--Happy turned 8 in July, and we finally had a chance to do her "birthday adventure," which involved me taking her and her special-same-age-friend "Mini Rosa" (daughter of my friend "Rosa") to a local studio to paint pottery (thank you for the gift certificate Mom--she loved it!), and then creek-walking and dinner with the Rosas.   Then at the beginning of this month Smiley turned 5, and so we had a three-part birthday bash for him (since I seriously could not make it all happen on the same day--that's how crazy it has been!) with dinner at home on his actual b-day, cupcakes and playdate with his best bud HO (son of Rosa) last weekend, and today he is finishing it up with riding a historical train from the Santa Cruz mountains to the beach with his daddy. : )

6. End of summer cleaning fun
--Oh, and while we were gone up in Chico, we invited my dear Becky's husband Dan to come stay at our house; he had a big writing deadline (he is under contract for another book for Zondervan) and needed a distraction-free place to work, and so it worked out perfectly for him to stay here.  Of course this meant I felt like I had to clean the whole house from top to bottom, though! ; )  I mean, our house freaks out people easily enough--I did not want him to be uncomfortable by cobwebs or mold or dust or dust turning to mold, etc.  So that took at least a week of cleaning--but of course you can imagine how fun it was to see my house that way! 

And no, I did not get photos.  I really meant to.  But, life.

--BUT before he came, we finished pulling out and sorting every bin under the house!  That is such a huge achievement, and something that helps me feel much more ready for the starting school year.

This sounds like "What I did last summer" doesn't it--but all this stuff has happened just in the past 6 weeks!  Now you know what I mean by CRAZY!  It's all good stuff--but somehow it all came at once.  The pinnacle of crazy was last weekend, when we had FOUR events all on the same day, and we managed to pull them ALL off.  (I got the family up and all ready for the day and gathered everything they would need, then drove to church and hosted the Beth Moore simulcast from 8:30-4:30, then drove over half an hour to get to the homeschool moms dinner; meanwhile, my amazing Dear Husband stopped by the church at 9 a.m. to make sure the tech for the simulcast was working properly [it wasn't, so I was thankful] and then took the kids up to the mountains for a big annual event at a state park celebrating the culture and history of the Indian tribes who originally lived here.  They did that from 10-noon, then he got them lunch and got Sunny to her martial arts testing, took the rest of the kids on an impromptu adventure at the fire station down the street from martial arts, then brought them all home, fed them the dinner I had made the night before, and got them ready for bed.  I stumbled home around 10 and we both collapsed. : )

Yes, this one photo--from the night we returned home from Chico--pretty much sums up the past 6 weeks. 

All of these things I really wanted to share when they were happening, because there has been SO MUCH GOOD in so many of these things!  But I just have not had the time or energy or brainpower--it has been used up by all the things I just shared above. 

I must say, though, that even though I did not have it in me to blog, I was coming here regularly so I could access all my blog links there on the sidebar--and every time I did, I was greeted by my beautifully clean kitchen!!! That was so fun.  (Because of course it has not looked that good since I posted the photos.) 

We still have a busy couple of weeks to go:  a homeschool "back to school" party at a local park, a birthday party, a proposed Mom's night out, the last night of Conversations (all those happen tomorrow!), our first Vintage Homeschool Moms gathering, going to the Renaissance Fair for the first time with the kids, two school field trips, more martial arts testing, and our 18 year wedding anniversary!  And then DH's parents asked if they could come to visit, so we said the 12th was the first weekend we were not  busy, so they will likely come then for a few days.  [But we just got off Skyping with them tonight, and they really want to come this weekend, when we have other things going on that aren't really their cup of tea. Ack! Cleaning was not what I planned on doing this week!] So, I'm thinking the whole September crazy is winding down and things should be pretty relaxed by Oct 19th. 

That seems so far away.

No, I'm saying that with a smile.  I'm feeling positive and good, and all this busy is being balanced with keeping our expectations of myself and the kids healthy, and I'm doing a good job remembering every day what is *really* important. 

I don't know when I will blog next, but I'll try to go back to snippets at least--SO MANY things I want to share that are really, really good and special.  Until then, may you rest in God's blessings.  : )

Welcome to My Kitchen--the photo tour!

 

Welcome!  Come on in!  This is what you would see of my kitchen after coming in the front door.  Of course the first thing one sees is books--lots of books.

 

 

 

But if you turn and look to your left, you'll see that the entry is also the start of the kitchen.

 

 

If you want to see any photo larger, just click on it

 

Please, walk this way.  Now you are standing in the middle of the kitchen, facing the front of the house. That is the front door off to the left, where you just came in, with my Dear Husband's vest and hat hanging there, the things he grabs when it's time to bring in more firewood.  This stand we use for the microwave is not my favorite, but it does the job, and even hides some of my bulk food storage underneath, which is helpful. It is graciously on permanent loan from DH's parents, as are the kitchen table and chairs.

 

When we first moved into this house, that is right where the fridge sat.  Old beat-up fridge right next to the front door--does that say class or what.  

 

Same view, just looking up.   The carved and turned wooden cups displayed above were made by my great-grandfather Troy Lager back in Southern Illinois.  Up there are also some pretty little turned wooden candle-stick holders--not heirlooms like the cups, but still beautiful.  I brought back all these treasures from my parents' house last summer.

 

I have to step back for a minute, to take a longer shot and help you get a feel for how the room starts all together. 

 

When we bought the bigger fridge, the only place to put it was in front of a window.  That bugs me, because we lose some light and it seems odd, but the only view from that window is the neighbor's house and bedroom window, so actually having the fridge there (and thus the curtains behind it always pulled closed) gives us more privacy.  Still, this has always in my mind been a temporary location.

 

The space next to the fridge by the window is just the right size for storing the rest of the antique wooden folding chairs, so they are ready for company.

 

It was not quite as dark in the living room as this shot would lead you to believe, but our house is pretty dim on a cloudy day like yesterday was. Still there is enough natural light for everyday living--I just turned on the lights to try to help the photos turn out.

 

 

 

For this shot I stood all the way in the living room at the foot of our bed/sofa.

 

When we first moved into this house, there was only one light in the entire kitchen-living room area--a creepy, buzzing, bad motel pull-string metal bathroom fixture over the kitchen sink.  So one of our first home improvements was putting in these lights, which I got on sale from Restoration Hardware.  My MIL proclaimed installing them was like "putting lipstick on a pig."  ; )

 

 

As you can see, most of the house is still wired with the original 1928 "knob and tube" wiring, which is actually much better wire than the stuff put into houses today!  We are slowly replacing it, and you can see where we need to finish the walls after re-wiring.  There were originally redwood valances that hung over both of the large windows and covered the curtain hardware, which we had to take down for the re-wiring.  One of these days we will put them back up, I'm sure. 

 

The one bit of beauty in my front yard--my little cottage flower garden, which you can see a glimpse of out the front kitchen window.  Someday with the fridge moved, this space could be a lovely little table nook.
 

There was a large, ugly door on that cupboard over the sink that was hinged on the right so it was obnoxious to use while cooking, so I had DH take it off years ago.  It too will be replaced someday.  Hopefully.

 

 

 

 

This photo cracks me up, because you can see that only hours after I had this kitchen as perfect as I could make it, there are already dishes back by the sink (at least mostly clean!) and stuff sitting out in use.  That yogurt container is my make-shift compost container--I'm on the hunt for something much more attractive that is worth the counter-space.

I tried a second shot with the lights off, to see if that would more accurately capture the colors of the wood and cabinets.  There is not really a corner for the trash can, so it usually lives there in front of the oven, and I just pull it out of the way whenever I need to get into the oven.  The stepladder is ugly but necessary, since most of my storage is up high. I have to move it too anytime I want to open the oven door fully.  That's ok--I use the stovetop most.

 

Why, yes, that is a gargoyle on the hutch.  Doesn't every kitchen have one? 

 

The things sitting out on these shelves probably say more about us than the rest of the kitchen (except for the fridge, when it is in full display).  Top shelf left is the family candy basket--where the excess holiday candy goes.  As hard to reach as possible. Next to it is a photo of DH and I in our Renaissance costumes, taken B.C. (Before Children).  And then comes the little pot my sister brought me back from Europe when she was studying there.  Then comes the liquor.  Finally, the tagine and platter DH and I hand carried all the way from Morocco, where we visited his sister when she was in the Peace Corps there (also B.C.). 

The best close-up I could manage.  I knew if I did not try someone would complain. ; )

 

On the middle shelf on the left is my collection of "special" loose teas (thank you for sharing from your international collection, Mom!) and my "girlfriend" tea pot and cups.

 

 

Then comes a hand-made covered dish we bought at an art fair back in Old Colorado City.  It's my only "special occasion" dish.  Then come the antique blue glass mason jars my dad gave me when they moved--which hold my everyday loose teas. 

 

All the things on the shelf used to be grouped in a manner which I found more aesthetically pleasing, but when I started to worry about earthquakes, I started to imagine the damage (and potential fire hazard) of things falling down onto the gas-burners. . . so this arrangement is not as attractive to my mind, but sets my mind to rest.

 

The bottom shelf of course has the most utilitarian objects, none of which merit description. 

 

 

 

Except for the jar of sea glass, exceptional shells, and other found treasures.  With some vibrant lichens we just brought back from Lake Tahoe on top!

 

 

 

To the right of the hutch you see the doorway to the bedroom.  With no door.

 

 

And if you look farther to the right, you see the standing cupboards that were here when we moved in, which constitute most of our in-house storage.  The missing door is to my side of the clothes closet DH and I share.  Next to it is the broom closet, and children's art supplies storage.

These cupboards are very, um, rustic, and are clearly not original to the house, which overall was well constructed, with nice details.  So one of these days I hope we will build new ones (they are not only valuable storage, but serve as a dividing wall between the kitchen and living room) and then the refrigerator will be here on the right, with the cupboards built around it.  Yes, we will lose inside storage space that way (and who knows where the vacuum will go then), but I think it is the most logical and potentially attractive place for the fridge.  

We really do have to make the most of our in-house storage, so we use the top of the cupboards too. 

 

Back to Monday night--after the ladies left, I just had to marvel at my sink cabinet, faucet, soapstone counter and sink.  I need to see them more often. ; )  I love everything about this little section of the kitchen, because this is one thing we planned and designed and made happen.  This is like a little glimpse of how cool our tiny, antique shack could be if we really put our hearts into it.  It gives me hope.

 

Thanks so much for coming by! 

 

 

 

 

What We've Been Up To--the Photo Catch-Up Extravaganza

I have been intermittent about blogging for the past few months.  Didn't mean to be--but life has been hard!

And I mean hard in that totally pampered stay-at-home-mom who is ridiculously blessed with a stable husband and four healthy kids kind of way. 

But still, things have been hard for me.  I'll try to blog about it more, as I think this hard season is coming to an end and hopefully I'll have the luxury of more time (and hopefully brain function) for writing.  To sum up these months, I thought I'd make a little series--hopefully more easily digestible bits than what I usually throw at you when I am in "catching up" mode.  With lots of photos, 'cause a picture's worth a thousand words, right?

So here's the first one, which I do think speaks volumes about my life recently:

I don't know how well you can read it even if you click on the image to embiggen.  But you'll get the idea.  This simple piece of notebook paper was my careful plan for our school time these past two and a half months.  We had so many big, important deadlines that I had to write those down and then start working backwards from each, figuring out how much time we should dedicate to each project.  And then, while we were in the midst of it all, this notebook page was my exterior brain.  I have been so ridiculously thick-brained this Spring--from allergies and lingering (and reoccurring!) illness, and who knows probably the onset of old age just for fun--and so it has truly been hard to keep track of what who should be doing when.  So I frequently, if not daily, found myself grabbing this notebook to see what the heck we were supposed to be doing on any given day, or so I could reassure myself we were on task and not forgetting something important.

Just a few of the big deadlines I had to plan months in advance for, and which took a lot of my time to execute:
--STAR test preparation (something I care about only because DH uses it as a scoring tool to measure the success of our homeschooling)
--An area-wide homeschool kids art show I curated at the Abbey Coffee Lounge
--Book projects for the annual county Author's Fair


And there are so many things not on the schedule above, too, but which took lots of time and energy:
--A child-led theatre production of Peter Pan
--martial arts testing and demonstrations
--the usual weekly classes


And then there were things that were not school related, and which were important and good too, but which also took time:
--Being asked to serve on our church's Jr. High Parent's Board, which necessitated meetings
--Selling outgrown kids' clothes on eBay, to start clearing out the bins under the house


 But now we are over all the deadlines--in that second to last row in the chart up there, about to get into the pale yellow zone that represents "Finishing."  That is, seeing if we can relaxedly wrap up the school units we have been working on all year--mainly California History, the Solar System/Space Exploration, and the Civil War/Westward Expansion. 

[And typing that just now, I realized what a connection there is between the last two--the drive to seek new lands and overcome obstacles is somehow written into the American psyche, and with the West conquered, we turned our attention to where new lands (or, planetary bodies, as the case may be) are waiting to be discovered (and exploited).  And look what an important role California plays in those two as well!  I love seeing connections between seemingly unrelated things.]

ANYWAY, I'm pretty tired at this point.  Tired of planning, tired of keeping children on track, tired of putting a lot of effort into things for other people and tired of feeling like I'm never enough for people.  I'm kinda spirit weary, and I'm ready for a break.

So, for the next week--easy school!  Math. Music. Finish a collaborative art project.  Finish some documentaries and movies that wrap up our school units.  That's.  It.  Then, we will take a week off.  Maybe two.  But then we will dive right back into summer school--because I have found that we do so much better a family when we school year round and take the breaks when we need them and not break too long at any one time.  The operative term there being "when we need them"--so we shall see how long this first "Summer break" lasts.

I get the feeling lots of other people out there are also in busy/stressful/full seasons!  How about you? What's this season  been like for you?

Pt. 2 in the series tomorrow! : )
 

and then. . .

(for my Mother, my sisters, my sister-friends--I'm sharing the whole Story of the Last Weeks in case you are interested.  If you are not, no worries!  I hope to be back to blogging more regularly, so there might be something more of interest coming up than the minutia of my days.)

To pick up where I left off. . .

The crud we had picked up was one of those that lingered. So when we woke up back in our own home Tues. morning we called it another sick day, and even DH worked from home just so he could take it easy.  Weds. I had to cancel our regularly scheduled classes--the three girls had gotten really growly in both their coughs and in their temperments, so were clearly not recovering as quickly as I thought.  So we spent that day and Thurs. also at home, schooling and recovering.   And that crud lingered.  And then it morphed, so that just when I thought we should be almost better (well, I was still not feeling great, sore throat and cough lasting, but I was mending slowly and the kids seemed to be almost over it and DH hadn't gotten it, so things were looking rosy), Smiley spent Fri. throwing up.  The first time in his life he's been sick like that, poor little guy.  And then Happy spent all of Sat. throwing up.  Seems whatever Sunny had Sunday had been incubating all week, and had finally decided to

[oh my goodness, I can't finish this sentence without running into the most terrible inadvertent word pictures!  "had decided to run its course. . . " ewww. Um, "had come to a blow. . . " ewwwww, no!  Better just move on. . . ]

ANYWAY, we spent another quiet weekend resting and caring for sick kids.  Once again I was so aware of my blessings:  that we are homeschooling, so a week at home is so stress-free; that we have wood floors which are easy to clean; that DH remained healthy and is so generous with picking up food for us when I don't feel up to cooking; that while I was still struggling to breathe well, every night the Good Lord blessed me with one good nostril, and thus I slept, feeling wrapped in His love. 

from Positivity Toolbox on facebook

Then once again it was Monday, and another week up and running!  I was so glad that we were all on the mend, because it was a huge jump from being quiet and physically inactive all the previous week to having to make three important events on Monday.  First, it was our scheduled day for the monthly "Old School Mondays" homeschool gathering at church, and it was good I felt as well as I did, because a) I was in charge, and b) I had people coming to hear me give info about some upcoming homeschool art and writing projects we will all be doing.   (In fact, I spent two weeks doing LOTS of planning and writing and emailing and wrangling of details--anyone who wants to know what we are up to is welcome to visit The World is Our Classroom, linked on the right. Exciting stuff!  And also helps explain why I've been so quiet over here.) 

Then after OSM I had to rush home for a phone meeting--I'm on the parent board of our public homeschool charter, and I was scheduled to be interviewed by the People from the State who are in the process of deciding whether or not to renew the charter.  And then after that I made dinner and then rushed back over to church for this:

Yes, it was the last week of our Spring Conversations (which I had missed the previous week for being sick)--and I was well enough to be the kitchen lady like I did the last two series.  The ladies speaking did a great job and God whispered some really important things into my heart, which maybe I'll get a chance to write about one of these days. 

THEN a few days later I did something wrong and threw out my neck again (old recurring injury).  So that meant I spent the good part of a week gingerly just trying to get through mommying and homeschooling--which by the way had been going full steam this whole time.  If there is one thing I can look back on with satisfaction over the past month, it was the schooling we completed.  We had big important deadlines, like finishing our portfolio of samples for the State, and writing the school-required annual essays, and preparing for the first rounds of STAR testing (patooey!).  We have more deadlines coming up, but I'm feeling good about where we are--this school year is ending like a long-distance marathon, that's for sure, so I need to watch our pace and just keep moving.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, hmm hm hm hmm. . .

ANYWAY, my neck and shoulders hurt so badly--and remember the state of my house in my last posts?  Cobwebs everywhere (in my own defense they spring up overnight. Literally!), piles of stuff everywhere (we still had Christmas presents I had not found homes for that were just sitting out and about!), and nothing could be put away properly until I finished going through all the closets and cupboards and shelves.

And I did.  I just went slowly and carefully, and tried not to lift too heavy things or turn my head, and finished almost all of the deep-cleaning projects on the Big List. 

BECAUSE my in-laws were coming for a 4-day stay!

And now I'll stop--make this post a cliffhanger ; ).  But the last thing I want to say is that my three girls were so helpful that week while I was in pain and trying to get so much done.  I entrusted more cleaning chores to them than I normally would--perfectionism has to be set aside, even with a MIL coming, when it comes down to either letting the children do it or not have it done at all!  It was good for them and good for me.  And besides--I figured what a perfect excuse if my MIL happened to say something about the housekeeping not being done ideally.  I would be able to praise the children for their efforts, and defuse the criticism! 

I think I'll go ahead and see if I can wrap up the backstory tomorrow, for anyone interested.  Until then, hope you all are having a good weekend, wherever you are!

something had to give

I can't believe how long it's been since I last wrote!  You would think I had given up blogging for Lent.  But no, I have not been blogging for one simple reason--I have had absolutely no brain with which to write.  It has been one CRAZY Spring, and it feels like we have been going from one unusual thing to the next, and I'm feeling like I've been using all my personal resources just to keep the family rollercoaster from falling off its track.  Blogging usually takes the extra I have--and for the past so many weeks, I had no extra to give!

So let me just glance back at the calendar and see where I left off. . .

--Oh, right.  Valentine's weekend we spent at the home of good friends; my dear "Rosa" had travelled to go be with her father earlier that week as he recovered from surgery, and a few days later her husband mentioned to my Dear Husband at the weekly men's group at church that he wished he could go be with her. So DH came home that night and told me we should help make it happen. Of course!  (And isn't he sweet?) So we stayed up at their positively palatial home (you know, compared with ours) from Sat to Monday after dinner, taking care of their little boy "Hecho" (6 months younger than Smiley, so they are best buds and even look like brothers) and their girl "Mini-Rosa" (same age as Happy, so they are buds too).

A couple of my kids had been  mildly coughing all week, but nothing to be concerned about.  And we learned that Hecho was also mildly sick with a cough, which ironically made me relieved--some bug was going around, and it sure looked like both our families were already exposed, so I would not have to feel guilty about us passing sick germs to our friends.  : )

Sat. as the day wore on I felt myself coming down with whatever it was hard, and by evening was so sick--the whole cough, runny nose/congested, fever, body ache thing.  I slept for about 2 hours that night, alternating between waking whenever I heard children stirring, and not being able to breathe so I would wake up feeling like I was choking. Sunday morning of course I stayed home from church, and I kept the boys home too (they were buds in their running yellow snot too--ew), and let Sunny stay home too, since she said she did not feel great.  I felt horrible,  but the boys played so nicely and so I just hung out in Rosa's sunny old living room, reading House Beautiful magazines and sipping lots of tea.   A nice quiet morning. . .

Until Sunny started throwing up.  And once the need came upon her so quickly she did not make it to the bathroom. . . but by the end of the day I just had to laugh.  In that one day I had cleaned up vomit, poop and blood, (thank you, various children) all while so sick I could barely drag myself around.  I'm pretty sure there's a medal for that, for valour under seige or something. ; )

But overall the whole weekend, I was seriously SO aware of all my blessings.  In the midst of so much going wrong, there was so much to be thankful for!

--Only one kid really sick, and she was old enough to pretty much take care of herself.  And she was also old enough to be low-maintenance, not fussing or needing extra attention, so she and I just hung out on opposite ends of the sofa all weekend, reading and exchanging caring looks.

--Their enclosed porch-feeling living room has outdoor carpet over linoleum.  SO much easier to clean than regular carpet.  Enough said.

--Rosa had been a little concerned that Hecho would have difficulty sleeping, as I guess he often does.  And he slept like a champion both nights we were there.

--While at their house we had a bedroom.  With a door. 

Which leads to the most fabulous blessing that would not have happened without either: on Monday morning, after two nights of terrible, awful, no good, very bad sleep, all the kids woke up at a normal sevenish hour, and were so happy quietly playing with one another that DH and I slept until 10:45.  I had heard them off and on, but was so exhausted I was miraculously able to sleep, and so when I finally roused enough to look at the time, I could not believe it.  I never, ever sleep in that late--and have never gotten to sleep that late when I have been with kids!  That was a HUGE blessing.  Probably made the difference in my being able to turn the corner on the illness, because while I was still very sick on Monday, I felt like I was on the mend.

--DH did not get sick.  DH is not the kind of father who swoops in and takes care of making food and cleaning up in the kitchen, so I was still doing that, but I can't stress enough how thankful I was for the psychological factor of knowing he was up and available when I needed him.  I just don't even want to think about how different it would have all felt if he had been sick in bed and I had felt like I was on my own.

--And he was so sweet to bring home Mexican food after church!  In fact, in trying to make sure we had enough, he ended up bringing enough food to last us for at least two meals, which was then two meals I did not have to think about.  Whoo-hoo!

--All the kids played so nicely, with almost no bickering all weekend.  Such a blessing!  All of the children were overall so well mannered and easy to care for, even Rosa's with their parents gone and everything different.  I mean, that can be hard on kids, esp. if they are not feeling good, but all the kids adapted to all the changes beautifully. 

--I really did have a kind of vacation while there.  I was still making meals and cleaning up the kitchen, making sure things were picked up and also trying to keep fixtures sanitized so we might possibly not spread the germs around quite as much (ok, pretty funny when you think of how the kids were touching all the same toys. . . but the toilet and sink and doorhandles were obviously danger zones, so I tried to keep them clean).  But other than that. . . Rosa's husband had left the house very tidy, and it was such a pleasant space to be in, and since it was not mine I did not feel that little guilt sense a housewife feels when she is sick that she should be up and doing things.  There was no laundry waiting, no cluttered kitchen counter staring accusingly at me whenever I walked by, no piles of papers taunting me. . . and no computer, so I even had a cyber break!  Let's face it--I tend to sit in front of the computer too much, so having several days without really made everything so much more restful. 

All in all, a weekend filled so much more with blessings than otherwise!  Oh, and the best part--Rosa calling during a break from helping care for her dad (who was recovering well, I believe) to tell me how happy she had been to see her husband arrive.  Did I mention her dad lives in Hawaii?!!  And so she said that unexpected getaway was like a second honeymoon! 

So, really, what a GREAT weekend!  I mean it!

The rest of the catch-up to be continued later. . .

Trying not to look around me with despair

Just trying to keep my humor about me, as look around my house. 

For my Mother, and those who don't get the above joke: there was a show on TLC (The Learning Channel) some years back, called "Hoarders: Buried Alive."  We have never had television, but I found it a year or so ago while looking for an instant download to watch on Netflix one day during Quiet Time.  I confess, I was immediately hooked, and over the course of several weeks watched the whole first series (mostly in 20 minute sits, which is about how long it takes me to drink my afternoon tea).   There is something so fascinating about other people's lives, and getting to peek into other people's houses to see how they live.  And of course, since the show is about hoarders, their lives are VERY messy, both literally and figuratively--which immediately makes the viewer feel so much more well adjusted.  And a much better housekeeper. 

And actually, when I saw this cartoon on facebook sometime last year, it made me laugh because it was so true.  After watching "Hoarders" I would look around my house and feel SO much better about it.  I am constantly battling too much stuff--a family of six living in a 550 sq. ft. house?  OF COURSE we always feel like we have too much stuff!  But the amazing thing is that because I am so diligent with getting stuff OUT whenever possible, we can keep taking in more and our home is still livable.  Even comfortable. (When it is picked up and everything is in its home. Which is not that often. Sigh.)  But I don't have a *problem* with too much stuff, you know?   Keeping the stuff from taking over the house is a constant battle, yes, but a battle in which I will persevere, and thus (eventually) prevail. ; )

By the way, there were two other things I really liked about the show.  One, the tone of it is so gentle and respectful of the people who have hoarding issues.  Sure, it is an intrusive reality-TV show.  But the narration is carefully done with a sympathetic, even compassionate voice-over.  The experts in the show who are brought in to help the hoarders are always so respectful and considerate of the feelings of the hoarders and their families.  People are shown in their full fraility, and the show does not shy away from devestating loss and mental illness, but it overall comes across as desiring to understand and help, not to exploit. 

The other thing I liked, which always made me cry, was that the point of the show was Restoration.  It tried to restore habitats of course, but more importantly, it tried to restore people to healthy living.  Most importantly, it always aimed to restore people in their relationships with loved ones.  Because usually the stuff surrounding the hoarders was a physical manifestation of their interior thoughts and feelings--specifically the walls they built up between them and others. 

Anyway, I realized a while ago that there was a second season of the show available on Netflix, and the other day I decided to put it on once again for Quiet Time as I had my tea and snack.  I watched a whole episode all in one sitting. But something unsettling happened--instead of leaving the viewing feeling relieved about my own home and housekeeping skills, I found myself a little panicked.  For some reason, this time I was not reassured--instead, I felt like I was seeing tiny glimpses of how the apathy and procrastination I have struggled with for the past month might have been the same for some of those hoarders, at the beginning.  Sure, I have reasons for letting the housework go--busyness, weird illnesses reoccuring, and now the usual seasonal allergies have me in their grip--but the lethargy and the excuses just keep building.  I'm hiding from the world already--I call it my annual "hibernation"--and maybe that is ok.  But maybe I need to be careful that I am not digging myself into a pit (as in "this place is a pit!") that it will be hard to get myself out of--and a psychological space that keeps me shutting the door on people outside our immediate family.

Interesting that when I sat down to make this post I did not have all these connections made in my head.  But, writing helps me process ideas. . . .

I started my Anti-Procrastination effort because I was truly serious about making some changes for the better around here--because too many things feel like they are hanging over me, undone.  But with feeling so crappy pretty much all the time now, I am starting to see more and more usual housework falling by the wayside, and too many of the things on the Big List still undone. . . . 

Found here

Ok, don't panic.  Time for some Truth.  This is just a season.  It is perfectly ok for me to hibernate for a few months a year.  It's not like I'm being a hermit--I'm leaving the house multiple times a week, occassionally seeing friends, going to church, etc.  It's just I don't feel good and am pretty brain dead all the time and don't have much energy and so don't really want to be anywhere but at home.  In my pajamas.  In front of the computer with a cup of tea, or curled up on the bed with a good book.  It is ok to admit that's what I want pretty much all the time, as long as I'm not giving into that all the time.  My family is fed, laundry is done, the groccery shopping gets done, everybody is completely on task with school, and so far the house still has walkways through the homeless stuff.

It's OK.

And it's almost time for Lent!  I love Lent, and have been anticipating it for a while now, almost relishing all the options of things I could give up.  (hmmmm--maybe this is as much a sign of the psychological weight I feel under these days from stuff.  If giving up chocolate and tea seems fun because it means two less things I'll be dealing with in a day)  I'm looking forward to it, to a time when I will purposefully strip down my daily life--at least my daily habits--to increase my awareness of God in my life. 

Hmmmm.  Could the timing of my annual hibernation be a parallel desire?  A subtle stripping down of outside things to lave more room for. . . rest?  Restoration?

But I won't be happy hibernating in a house that is constantly frustrating and rebuking me.  So maybe I'll work up the gumption to give it one last go.  I'm going to re-post the list, so I can see what I have accomplished--maybe it is better than I thought!

This is what blogging does.  Over the several hours it took to write this post (in snatches), I went from despair to optimism.  Maybe it is because writing is cathardic, or maybe it is because I got a little Perspective.  Whatever it was, I'll take it!

Ok, if any of you have Anti-Procrastination victories, please do share!  I will be happy for you!



P.S. And if you are in a grumpy mood, and want a really good laugh, you really should visit the link under the "Demotivating" image above.  I stumbled upon the site when I googled just to check my spelling of "despair."  After 5 minutes on that linked page, I was feeling much better. ; )

another update on all manner of things

 A general update.  Because I am sick and really don't have much brain power for doing much serious thinking. And because a few of you might be interested. 

It's 10:43 am, on a regular Monday school/work day. My husband is still in bed, and I'm not sure why.  When I woke and saw daylight peeking through the trees outside the window, I tried to ask him if he had missed the alarm--and he muttered something unintelligible and rolled over.  I don't know if he is sick too, or working from home or what.  It would not really matter except that the house was about 53 degrees when I got up; just a while ago the sun hit the back of the house for a good 15 minutes, so got warmer.  It's now up to a whopping 57 degrees in here!  Whoo-hoo!  It's so cold in here because DH and I went to bed early, both being completely wiped out, and the house was warm enough we did not think we needed a fire.   But this morning I could not find the ash bucket, so could not start cleaning out the fireplace for this morning's fire.  I have a feeling DH was so tired last night he left it outside somewhere.  I'm not about to go hunting for it, sick, in my pjs.  So I am bundled up--even wearing a knitted hat--and waiting for him to get up.  He's awake now, but has not spoken to anyone and is clearly still wanting to be in bed, and I really try not to be his mother, so I'm just chosing instead to be content.  It's helpful to have just finished my second cup of hot tea--at this temp. you have to drink it quickly!  And when the sun hit the house a little while ago it was shining on me and Smiley and Happy playing in the floor behind me, which felt soooooo gooood!   And I have peaceful music playing, and my children are all content. . . and I just think about how we were just reading Little House stories about it being 40 degrees below 0--that's 100 degrees colder than our coldest weather here on the Bay!!!--and how they would have thought their cabins so warm and toasty if they were 57 degrees.

In case you are wondering, we do have a small heater, but it is currently under the house. We bring it out for emergencies. ; )  Although if I went out--sick, in my pj's--to get it and plugged it in, that would surely get DH out of bed!  He hates "wasting" electricity with the heater.  ; )  But instead I'm just hoping that since it is almost 11 am that he is going to be getting up any moment now. . . .

In case you are wondering, we are perfectly warm and cozy in our beds.  I woke up when I heard Smiley coming--the pitter patter of his feet coming to by bed is my alarm clock, and this morning he and I cuddled in bed for a while, but finally had to brace the cold and get up. Because toys and tea and blogs can't wait. ; )

Happy had this cold first, starting on Friday.  Then I got it yesterday, and feel even worse today (sore throat, runny nose, aches and low fever).  Smiley got it today too, and his nose is running like a faucet this morning.  Sunny slept until after 10, and then came out to read in our bed.  She seems fine, but complained she felt like she was getting "eye sick," which we think is her way of describing migraines, which she has gotten every now and then since she was a toddler.  I wonder if she is just feeling this crud coming on, though.  Merry is still asleep in bed.

[Ah ha!  he's up at 11:02!  of course its another hour before the fireplace will be cleaned out and the fire laid and lit and burning hot enough to warm up the firebox and start the blower that really makes the house toasty. I think I'll be out doing errands before then!]

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Today is the deadline for dropping off Operation Christmas Child shoeboxes, and I have two packages I need to send, so I can't just stay here at home in my pjs all day. Again. (yes, I did yesterday, even with my FIL here again for the weekend!  But I was up all day taking care of people, cooking, overseeing the decorating and filling of the shoeboxes, etc.  But doing it all in my pj's was a compromise.   So I'd better get into the shower (so warm when you get under!  so cold when you are drying off!  why i procrastinated this morning. . . ).

But I don't have to worry about breakfast for the family this morning because last night right before bed two little pixies showed up at our door bearing a  huge pumpkin pie.  My dear Becky swung by with it--left over from the big family gathering they had just had.  : )  And another blessing yesterday was that my wonderful school liason Terry gifted us with three bags of goodies for the shoeboxes, and it was just the right amount that combined with what little I had stocked up it perfectly filled the shoeboxes and I did not have to make a run to Target for more. 

And now my Dear Husband is cleaning out the fireplace.  I'm feeling the love!

; )

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

One of the boxes I need to get to send today is the "Camilla" boots.  The weekend my in-laws were both here it was rainy and I was ready to pull them out and wear them, but when I put them on before church and started racing around (instead of the careful steps I had been taking previously so not to marr the bottoms and invalidate a return) I realized they felt a little snug on both feet, so that was that.  I am returning them, and hope all goes well with the refund. 

I also spent this past week looking at boots again online, and realized I was making it too hard on myself by trying to anticipate what other uses these boots might serve (Dawn is laughing, "Duh!") and went back and just looked at leather rain boots.  I just need to have a pair of nice waterproof boots, and if they meet other needs (like looking good with my black skirts for church) then that will be the icing on the cake.

I ordered some from Zappos to try again--including some of the same ones I tried before, but in larger sizes. 

 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Good thing we are done with our crazy school/life season for this Fall, so we can have a quiet lazy day like this.  It is still a school day, so we will still do math, and watch more of Ken Burns' "Civil War" series, and work on our current book project.  But other than that. . . I don't care.  Esp. with us all being sick.  I have a feeling the two older girls will do a lot of reading today, and since it will be "schooly" books, that's fine by me.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

And for those of you who remember my last, epic update, when my in-laws came weekend before the last, FIL and DH did not mention their plans to me, but just started digging and mucking about the septic "system."  Then FIL came back this past weekend (MIL stayed at home to help care for her mother) and he and DH mucked about some more, and supposedly the septic is repaired, with a new leach line/field.  Well, I'll be.  So I guess one could go through the county requirements, get experts to take soil samples and make reports on environmental impacts near a watershed, hire professionals to design and install a new system that would take months and months for approvals and completetion and end up costing $15-20,000. . . or one could just procrastinate until a FIL grabs a shovel and some plastic pipe and goes at it for a few days.  It is not a little embarassing at how easy that was.  Ok, borderline illegal, but still.  I completely understand why DH sat (ha!) on that project for so long.  It seemed so huge and so expensive and he had no idea where to begin.  So this week I am very thankful for experienced fathers who have been fixing things their whole lives and don't get overwhelmed easily.  And who really want to help. 

 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Ok, DH has the fire cheerily popping and sparking--still a while before it really gets going, but now I'll brave the shower.  My last child just stumbled out of bed.  And if DH is not going into work today, then maybe I can do these errands without kids and stop to get my overly-long and now looking crazy bangs cut before Thanksgiving.

See, so much to be thankful for! ; )

Hope you all can say the same this morning.

weekend update--Me and MIL

MIL and FIL came to visit this past extended weekend.  Overall it went as well as could be expected, and so much better than in years past.  MIL has been living out so much grace the past two times we were with them, and so we have overall had nice times, and this time there was just a little more underlying negativity that made the overall tone of the weekend just a little less comfortable.  I honestly think MIL does not even know she does it.  Well, I mean I think she says things on purpose, because she thinks she must (to teach us, to show us truth, or to send a message), but I don't think she realizes how the overall effect can be so negative.

Examples:
a.  Commenting on how I am eating as much as four people at lunch one day.
b. After Merry plays a beautiful song on the recorder, saying, "You should learn the clarinet." (that one cracks me up, because MIL meant it in a good way, that Merry was good enough on the recorder that it was time for her to move up to a "real" instrument. But still! ; )
c. Sunday breakfast I made a fancy meal, forgetting MIL and I had chatted about other possibilities the day before, which it turns out she was expecting.  So, she channelled her disappointment into commenting over and over how the kids clearly did not like the food (omlette with sauteed mushroom and onion, with sun-dried tomatoes and a fruit salad and toast), because they were not eating very quickly.  Finally I said, "Would anyone else like to disparage the food?  If so, how about you get it out all at once." But I did it in a humorous tone, and everyone laughed.  (And FIL sweetly complimented the food.)  And then MIL went right on back commenting how the kids clearly did not like the food.

See, I think MIL means what she says, but really does not mean to sound so. . . mean.  So I try to listen to the words behind the words, you know?  I try to hear the expectations (or expectations unmet), or the desire, or the hurt, or the insecurity, or even the compliment behind the sometimes hurtful or even just confusing words.  And then I try to take that understanding and do things differently--because the goal is to love MIL in a way she can recognize. 

And MIL was really making an effort to be loving too!  She let me do most of the cooking, which is a real turn-around from the past.  It is not that I want to be in charge in the kitchen--I actually don't care if she cooks while she is here, because, hey, I don't have to cook, and it keeps her busy--and busy is good--and because she likes to be in charge, and that is one arena I don't care if she takes charge of.  So its not like I have ever indicated I don't want her in the kitchen, and I like working side by side together.  But she was--on her own--stepping back and letting me have control of the kitchen and meal planning, which was a big sign of her trying to respect me and my role in my home.  So sweet!  And she would come in and ask if she could help and what I wanted her to do.  Again, so sweet!  And once when she asked, I said there was nothing to do, but I would love it if she sat and kept me company, and so she did and we had a nice time chatting about GMOs while I finished up.   And she would set the table and other helpful things, but the point is not who did what, but that she was trying to be loving and helpful and respectful, and that was such a nice foundation for the visit.

And another way MIL was showing love and restraint and respect for me was in NOT cleaning or trying to do my laundry.  I really don't like her to do these things, because we had a lot of that at the beginning of our relationship, and it always ended up implying judgement of my inadequacies as a homemaker, a wife, a mom, etc.  (Whether or not MIL intends that, her words and actions in the past have led me to feel that way.)  She even commented that she would be doing those things but knew I liked to do it myself--now that is spoken love, people!  I made sure to affirm that was true and that I appreciated her consideration.  And then she had the brilliant idea of attacking my mending bag (which was SO MUCH SMALLER than it used to be, because I have been so much better about making a point of mending, but which still had about seven things in it.  MIL mended most of them, and after I was done cooking I joined her, and we finished the whole bag. What a blessing!)

And MIL and I had several true "girlfriend" moments too, like shopping at the Trade As One "boutique" set up at our church last weekend, and we liked the same scarf and bracelets (and MIL bought me a beautiful scarf as an early Christmas present). And then another day getting ready for the girls' musical production of Peter Pan, and we were in a rush getting the kids out the door to make it to the final dress rehersal, so I finished brushing and re-doing my hair and then putting on some makeup in the ladies' room at the church, and MIL borrowed my lipstick and eyeliner to put finishing touches on herself.  I love it when we have little moments of simple solidarity like that!  And then another time we went looking at the Santa Cruz Goodwill, and she found a great suede skirt for $3 that made her really happy, and we had fun.

But sometimes those great girlfriend moments end up making me too easily hurt the next time a negative thing is said.  I have to find that fine emotional line between being so open (and thus vulnerable) in my loving, and then being too easily bruised--which makes me then want to withdraw further, out of self-protection, which is not loving--and keeping myself reserved, which is safer but which I think MIL even picks up on and which, if I am conveying it, then builds up barriers between us. 

So hard! 

They left yesterday, and I spend the afternoon drinking tea (having not had a single tea time all weekend) and hanging out on the computer catching up on blogs and doing other business.  And I read this post by sidebar favorite Welcome to My Brain, about something called the "locus of control" and how realizing where your emotional focus is can help you identify where you are setting yourself up for feeling out of control, or needing control, or beliving the lies (which I have written about before) that somehow you are not in control of your own feelings and actions.  Some highlights for me:

We need other people. They feed us and they support us. Yet, it is not healthy to rely on other people to be the source for feeling good about ourselves or making a positive choice. These other people may not always be there. They may have their own bad day. In reality, if our self-esteem is only based on others and the things that happen to us, then it's really not true, positive self-esteem.

Sometimes we find our sense of acceptance, validation or worth from our spouses, friends and even our kids. There's nothing wrong with feeling these things when our spouse compliments us in a room full of people, or when our children say, "Thanks, Mom. I love you," or when our friends send us an encouraging email. The big indicator is how we feel about ourselves in the absence of these things. . . .

What I'm realizing, as well, is that this affects every thing I do and every relationship I have. If your locus of control is more external, it affects how often, how strongly and how long you will have negative responses to things. . . .

I am sure you can see how this directly relates to the thoughts and feelings I am processing after this visit by my in-laws.  I think this is one area in which MIL and I have a lot in common, so we are unintentionally allowing our own faulty views of "locus of control" to negatively impact our relationship with one another. 

So, I hope God will shed more light on this whole idea in my mind and heart as we prepare for a whole holiday season with DH's family.  I want to keep growing, to keep learning how to lay down myself--but in a healthy, safe, God-led way--and focusing on truth and doing my best to live out grace and love and all those wonderful things. 

Oh, and I need this with my kids too, as they are having the traditional post-grandparent melt-downs!  : ) 

I encourage all of you to read the linked post--such good food for thought.  And may you be having a blessed week!