muckety-muck heart--time for Truth!

(Fair warning--now that I have finished seeing what my fingers would type this morning, it is pretty self-indulgent muck.  So, if you are at all interested in reading disgruntled pampered housewife stuff, please continue.  If you are having your own hard season--please don't read this.  It might be a trigger for you.  If you do read it, please hear my battered heart speaking, and don't be cruel.  I am laying out my ugly to expose it for what it is, so I can try to sweep it away more fully.  And because maybe my ugly will resonate with your own ugly, and you will be glad I shared it so you don't have to. ; ) 

I have the rare free morning today--my three girls are at their first day of the State-mandated STAR (standardized) testing.  My dear Becky took her girls and mine (we have to drive up to the site in the Santa Cruz mountains, so a good 30 minutes away, much more with traffic), and in a few hours I need to drive up to collect them again.  But in the meantime, Smiley is content with DH's touchpad, playing Angry Birds on my bed while I am here at the computer.  I just finished reading blogs and drinking my tea.  It feels like I should do something really good with this rare moment of quiet--at the very least, blog! 

But I'm kinda brain-dead, and my spirit is a little dry.  I don't feel very conversational.  And I'm definitely feeling a little negative.  So. . .  I think I'll tell you a story about my morning, just a few minutes of the day that speak volumes. 

My Dear Husband, at 8:50 this morning (as he was supposed to be heading out the door to pick up his carpool buddy), comes to me and starts a conversation, supposedly about "getting my recommendations."  Turns out tonight his men's group at church is having a Mexican-themed potluck.  Um, hmmm. 

So, DH, what are you going to take?  Uncomfortable silence as he thinks what to say. Yes, I am getting the feeling at this point that he wants me to volunteer, brightly, to whip up something for him to take. I'm not wanting to volunteer.  I want him to ask, if that's what he wants, and not hem and haw.  It's a hot button topic for me in our marriage--me feeling like I'm treated like I'm the house slave.  Not attractive of me to confess, but there you go. I'm still not fully reconciled to housewifery as my Dear Husband, that 1950's throwback, enjoys it.  It feels too often like those duties are beneath his attention, and yet I'm supposed to eagerly fulfill them, nay, anticipate them.  So it feels like at this moment, in my hard-heartedness, the least he can do is actually ask me to do it, if that is what he wants.

Last time you took chips and salsa, so are you planning on stopping by Trader Joe's on your way to church?  He thinks someone else is bringing chips and salsa.  (Smiley at this point is interrupting and I divert my attention away from DH for a moment to get Smiley to stop.  DH walks off and starts to get ready to leave.  I can tell my husband is frustrated, so I initiate resuming the conversation, so he knows I care about his Mexican pot-luck "recommendations" request.)

You indicated you wanted recommendations.  Was that all, or was there something more you wanted to ask about?  He says something about not knowing what to take, and wanting suggestions. Um-hmmmm.

Well, what about salad?  That's not really Mexican, but you could stop at TJ's and grab a couple of bags of pre-made salad, and they have some really good fresh cilantro salad dressing you could put on top. He does not comment, but does not seem to like this idea.  He pulls out his touchpad to show me the spreadsheet of what the other guys are bringing. Looks like someone else is bringing chips and dip.  And, honestly, there looks like plenty of food already in the works.  Not sure they really need more, but I applaud DH's instinct not to show up empty-handed.  He asks me what category it looks like they might still need food for.

Well, nobody is bringing fruit.  You could do that. And I suggest he take a big bowl and spoon and clean knife with him, and stop at TJ's to buy grapes, frozen pineapple chunks and frozen mango chunks and just toss it all into a big bowl and squeeze a lime over it and call it a salad. Easy, and would complement Mexican well.

He asks, with a hint of skepticism in his voice, if I think fruit goes with Mexican food. My interpretation: He thinks this is not a good suggestion. Fruit is somehow embarrassing, not a worthy contribution to the manly feast.  Either that or he really does not want to put forth any effort whatsoever in his contribution, and running to the store and opening a couple of bags and mixing stuff together sounds like too much of a hassle.  (Which is why it is so perfect for the stay-at-home-wifey to do it, am I right?)

There is another uncomfortable pause.  The weight of the unspoken is heavy in the air, hard to ignore any further, probably like the Fellowship room at church will be after the guys finish all their refried beans.  I give in to the guilt, but still try to word it so he has to at least actually ask me to do this for him.

Well, if you wanted me to, I could make something.  But we don't have the ingredients here, so I would have to run to the store, and I need to get to church to drop off something, and need to pick up the kids when their testing is over, and then take them to play practice. . . . In other words, I've got my day planned, and my planning did not involve running to any grocery stores or making food our family is not going to be eating, and it is not at all convenient for me to have to rearrange my day just because you did not think to mention this culinary need further in advance.

In OTHER words, how dare you infringe upon MY day with your husbandly desires.  I was really looking forward to sitting in my pajamas for a few hours catching up on blog reading and having that big peanut butter cookie I went all Lent without.  And then, even if my errands will take me quite close to various stores, and I might even be able to arrange to do it when I only have one child with me (or even none, since play practice is at Becky's and I am sure she would be glad to watch Smiley while I run to the store), and it makes sense for the stay-at-home parent to do such errands while the working parent is, um, working, I still don't want to do it.  Not without being formally asked.  Not without the spoken recognition of what you are asking me to do for you, to sacrifice for you, of the flaw in your character that makes you ask me to do what is easy for me but which you don't really feel comfortable doing and so naturally look to foist upon me.

In OTHER words, I am such a bitch sometimes.

He wouldn't ask me to go to the store and make food.  So the conversation just fizzled out, unresolved, and he left for work.

It is possible that he wasn't asking because he was trying to be sensitive.  He put out feelers, like we do in any conversation with someone, and we hope they will volunteer their own vision of how they might fit into our wishes, because we don't want people to feel taken advantage of--so much better if their involvement comes from their own willing mouths.  Because if we have to ask, maybe then they will feel like they have to do it, like they can't politely say no.  Sometimes we use this to our advantage. But most of the time we don't like the feeling of someone helping because they felt coerced. 

So that would be really ironic--if DH was attempting to be polite with me, hoping I would offer my help, but I was taking it the opposite and feeling disrespected.  Because if someone wants something, they should be willing to ask for it.  But then, isn't that kind of a power game?  Knowing what the person wants, but refusing to give it to them unless they somehow acknowledge your power as the One Who Can Say Yes or No?  I was thinking of Becky, and how when anyone asks anything of her, she is super quick to say, with natural grace, "Of course, absolutely!"  Immediately makes a person feel loved and supported.  Granted, she is a people pleaser, but ironically so am I.  It's just with my husband I have this bad thing in my heart where I struggle with feeling taken advantage of, feeling unappreciated, feeling like my work is considered menial and not worth his own time or effort, feeling like I have no choice but am viewed as a slave.

Clearly, time for a little Truth to counter all this sin-heavy yuck.

Truth:  My Dear Husband does not actually treat me like a slave.  He is just a normal guy, oblivious to some things, but trying to be a good husband overall.  I put my own mental spin on his actions and words to make them unhelpful for my heart.

Truth:  One of our family values, which you will hear me telling my children over and over like a mantra is that in our family, we do whatever is most loving and helpful.  Um, yeah.  Way to go, there, setting the standard for everyone else in the house.

Truth:  God calls me to be His servant.  To spend my life serving.  It is my privilege to serve those I love.

Truth:  It does not feel like that in my heart.  Something wounded, small and angry in my heart makes me very easily resentful of my family wanting things from me.  Most of the time this hard little ball of black fire is very small and tucked away, only flaring up when I am vulnerable and low blood-sugar.  But sometimes it feels like it's right behind my eyes, so hard and hot I want to weep.  Not because I feel so sorry for myself, but because I hate that I even have these thoughts, these feelings.  I fully admit I am not the nicest person to my loved ones at times, and I wish that was not true.

Truth:  Every marriage has "hot buttons" and both parties just need to learn to recognize them (in themselves and in the other), bring them out into the open for what they are, and then together choose to work around them.  I feel like we have been working on such things for years, and sometimes have what feel like real marital/interpersonal breakthroughs, but it depresses me to think how much things like this still can have a hold on me, on him, can so easily interfere with our good married life.

(Once, when we were Seniors in college, he and his roommate were planning to go see a concert of a band I very much wanted to go see, who was one of my favorites in H.S. and who would likely never tour again.  I knew DH was going for a whole week, and even hinted that I would love to go too.  Oh, we were dating at the time--and had been, seriously, for over two years.  I kept thinking he would invite me to go too, and was increasingly incredulous that he hadn't--until the night of the concert, when he came into my apartment a few minutes before they needed to go, and asked if I wanted to come along.  I was so mad at that point--I would not even have time to change clothes, or do my concert-ready makeup, you know, all the stuff a college girl wants to do--and told him if he wanted me to go with him, he should have asked me earlier in the week.  I felt like I had been dissed, big-time.  So I said, no, I did not want to go now, because it was too late.

So, clearly, we are still working through something interpersonal, some unfortunate communication-style, or set of expectations, even now after 5 years of dating and 17 of marriage!  Pathetic. And depressing.) 

Back to more Truth:  I am sure part of my Dear Husband's (unwillingness?  reticence? stubbornness?) lack of clear communication when we are in such an interpersonal horn-lock is due to his family dynamics growing up.  His mother speaks her mind very freely about anything she has an opinion on, but does not come right out and say anything she wants. There is such a fascinating and important distinction here--she does not want to place herself in the less powerful (i.e. more vulnerable) position of being the Asker.  And I think she is insecure (as many of us are) about how her wants will be viewed by others--for all that she is quick to comment, advise, etc. on other people's lives, she is actually very private about her own personal things.  Instead, she hints at what she wants, and tries to get you to do it through less vulnerable (and ultimately less pleasant) methods, like scolding, ranting, deriding or applying guilt.  DH's father just does not say much at all, and has learned over the years to just be as accommodating as possible.  So where would DH have learned to communicate differently?   He usually does a great job communicating well with me.  But sometimes he does not--just hints and then gets mad if I don't do what he wanted, because he insists "I knew" what he wanted and was just pretending I didn't know, because I don't love him.

Most of the time this is not true.  Every now and then, it is.  Like this morning. 

Now, I don't know for sure what he wanted this morning.  That's another legitimate reason why I wanted him to spit it out.  But I had a very strong idea.  And I chose to make him struggle with knowing what to say, allowing him (wanting him?!) to feel guilty about whatever he wanted.  Let me clarify--I did not want him to feel guilty about wanting me to make something.  But I wanted him to acknowledge that 1) he was asking something of me that was a little bit of a big deal, that 2) he should have remembered to plan for and ask me about sooner, that 3) it's not fair to expect me to do things for him that he is not willing to do for himself.

More Truth:  Going to the store and making food is inconvenient, but not really a big deal.  Esp. today, when I have so much flexibility with my time (except for those specific times today when I don't).

Truth: Yes, he should have remembered.  Yes, he should have asked me sooner. But we just got back from spending Easter with his family, and yesterday were in "getting back into the headspace of regular life" mode and while I spent some time looking at the calendar and making sure I was not forgetting something important, I have not always remembered to do so.  It could well have been me to forget I needed to prepare food for something.  This is not a personal flaw on his part--it's just life.

Truth:  And so is this personal communication dynamic between us.  No sense in getting mad and trying to punish either of us over it--just move on and get refocused on what I want our marriage to BE not dwell on whatever negative it sometimes is.

Truth:  I'm not really mad at him.  I'm just feeling a little weary, and feeling taken for granted is a sore spot for me.  And I really need to cut him some slack, considering *he was likely not asking because he was trying not to be inconsiderate.*  (Well, either that or he wanted me to read his mind and offer, and he is as miffed at me at this moment as I am at him.)  But I need to assume the best of my spouse, esp. since I have specifically asked him in our marriage to try to assume the best of me.   

Truth:  If he had asked me, and just said, "I'm sorry this is short notice--I forgot all about it.  Do you think you could do this for me?" I would have likely sighed and not been nearly as gracious as my dear Becky, but I would have said "Sure." And I would be going about my day without any further negative thoughts on the matter.

And you would have been spared this overly long, somewhat depressing post.

Final Truth:  I am at this moment focused on myself, and not God.  That changes everything, and makes me forget that I serve Him and not myself. 

Time to lay down myself.

You would think it would be hard to forget how Jesus laid down himself for me, so soon after crying over His sacrifice in the church service Easter morning.

You would think I would remember our Scripture reading from last week, about how Jesus, knowing what he would do for all of humankind, told those who wanted to follow him to "take up your cross daily."  He knew it would be hard.  It would be painful.  It would not come naturally, and we would have to choose to do it, over and over.  Choose to lay aside our own worldly desires.  Choose to take up that which means the very death of our sinful (and self-focused) natures. 

Christ died so that I could happily make my husband some Mexican food.  So that I would have complete freedom from the bondage of sin to fully love.

Crying now.  He's got me where He wants me.  I  am sooooooooo ashamed. 

But the tears release that hot hardness that was locked inside me today.  This path of thought--this time spent blogging, of all things--has shown me my wickedness, and has brought me to repentance.

Once again, in His mercy, He meets me right where I am.  And He lifts me up out of the muck of my own heart!



My husband is not perfect.  I'm not perfect.  But God's love is Perfect, and it covers all wrongs.

Thank God.

prioritizing energy, time, service

I'm still trying to work through some of the issues I raised in my last ultra-long and boring post--you all know you never have to read the posts in which I am thinking out loud, right?  I write them because they are such excellent ways to work through whatever it is I'm thinking about, and only post them because sometimes one of you emails or comments that you have been thinking about the same things and it was helpful.  Great!  But the rest of you--no offense taken if you wait for photos or humorous out-takes on life in the Little House in the Little Woods. 

So, the issue I was last working through was how God wants me to spend my time and energy right now, here at the start of a new school year, and in this season of my life.  With Smiley now suddenly a little boy and no longer a toddler (seriously--last Spring he was a toddler, and even before we started the trip back from my parents' I noticed how he had grown and matured while we were there!), and with my other girls getting so big and so much more helpful (and even pretty happy to be helpful, when they feel like it ; ), I am feeling bright-eyed and clear-headed and pretty energetic, and even though I have a LOT of things around here I want to do, I am also feeling like I have some wiggle room--and am thinking God might want to use me this Fall semester to serve him in new ways.  I don't mean full-time committment stuff, like joining a choir or heading up a committee, but just having the resources in a week to help and love and support the families he puts in my path.  Things like having some of our friends over for school once a week, or once every other week, so their moms can have time to work, which would bless their families through a time of transition.  Or to make an organic, raw, vegan meal for a family who is facing cancer (and who are using those dietary choices to help fight the cancer)--they have so much to bear, and I can be a blessing to them, even in a little way.  Or to give a date night to a friend who says she and her husband desperately need one.  All of these specific needs are real ones that have come up before me in this past week, things I will try to make happen, to bless these women, these families with that little extra bit of resource I'm feeling I have right now. 

But of course all things need to be in balance, and that's going to be the struggle for me. 

Case in point--I was asked to give announcements yesterday at the 9 a.m and 11 a.m. and 7 p.m. services at our church worship gatherings.  Being momentarily full of energy and optimism, and a desire to serve the Lord wherever He can use me for this season, I said yes.  I was doing annoucements at the beginning of the service, praying before worshipful giving, and then at the end of the service coming back up and inviting people to come pray with someone at the prayer cove, telling visitors where to go if they want more information about our church body, and giving a benediction.  Now, our church is no mega-church with thousands of people, but it is also not small, so of course you can imagine  how doing that might make one's stomach churn a bit.  On one hand, getting up in front of a lot of people is no big deal for me--I was a theatre major, after all, and have taught university students and MC'd film screenings and hosted the SoulKitchen "Conversations," and have even been up in front doing this same thing at least twice before.  But on the other hand, it does not happen so often that it is easy, and the whole time I'm waiting to go up and while I am up there I am really focusing energy to not forget all the things I am supposed to say, and when, and how to say them to sound easy and welcoming and not completely petrified.

And really, it went fine yesterday.  Well, it had its moments: at the first service I started to introduce myself and then all of a sudden the microphone went out and music from some Christian CD filled the air (I think it was the music that had been playing in the sanctuary before the worship music began) and no one could hear me so I stopped talking and just looked up at the sound booth (in the old choir loft) and waited for them to resolve the problem, and when it did not immediately I just smiled and looked at the congregation and started to sway-dance to the music, and when it stopped and the mic came back on, I just said, "Well, that was fun," and they laughed and I launched into the annoucements.  At the second service I realized I had forgotten to say something at the beginning, so I just added it to what I said at the end of the service.  And then at the last service, someone walked off with the hand-held mic I was supposed to use during the service (probably our pastor, who had introduced the guest speaker--thanks Dan Kimball!), so I had to scoot the worship leader aside and strain to use his mic on a stand (I tried to adjust it down, but it was hard to move).  All in all, enough little flubs that I could have been easily flustered and thrown off and not able to speak easily and with confidence. 

And see, that is one reason why I am glad they asked me.  Maybe there are only so many people who are comfortable getting up and speaking in front of large rooms of people, and maybe there are only so many who can do it with seeming ease to help everyone in the room feel comfortable, and maybe there are only so many who could do all that while little things are going wrong to slip them up and make it that much harder.  But that's where my theatre training comes in hand--the show must go on and all of that.  (Once when performing my senior showcase piece there at Taylor University, the powerful, climactic scene from "The Children's Hour," a junebug flew in through the open stage door and right up my dress, with a loud buzz.  I loathe junebugs--strange since I rather admire beetles in general--and immediately screamed and stomped and beat at my skirts until I was sure it was gone--and then took a deep breath and resumed the scene as if nothing had happened. ; )  So if there are not really that many people who could serve in our church body like that, then I am happy to be of service.

And yet. . . doing that one bit of service really wiped me out for the whole day.  DH had to work in the middle of the night (of course they do computer updates on their system when the least number of people will be wanting to use it, usually 3 am on a Sunday morning) so I got all the kids ready and to the church by 8:30, which I am pretty sure is a record for us.  We were there until 1 p.m. and then headed back home, where I rustled up lunch for my crew and then crashed and napped and then laid and read most of the afternoon--I just felt weary to my very bones!  I was reminded yet again that I am at heart an introvert, and get energy from being alone and quiet; being around people--much as I love it--drains me completely.  Then I made dinner for everyone and headed back out at 6:30, made it just in time, and got home a little before 9:30.  And so, that was pretty much my whole day. 

(It really makes one thankful for the people who do this every Sunday, there for all three services every week, doing what needs to happen to create our worship gatherings!)

So I had to wonder--ok, so I can do this in service for the Lord.  But should I? 

Was serving in that way a good use of my time and energies?  The fact that I alternated between stress and collapse throughout the day seems to indicate maybe not.  (But yet, if I only do it once in a while, it's ok to spend the day like that, right? It is a day of rest, after all, which is exactly what I spent much of the day doing.)  And the fact that it was harder to take care of my family--but not impossible in the least, so better planning (like having food made ahead of time) would solve that.

But see, I don't imagine that I will be doing this particular service all that often.  (Except several people in charge said I was a natural. That could be dangerous.)  This was just an example of how I need to evaluate how I think I should be spending my time and energy this Fall. 

So I sat down to try to figure out what the hierarchy seems to be--what makes sense to do, with all my given resources?

And I came up with this prioritization:

In my day:
--first, pay attention to God (read His word, ask Him to make His plan for me clear for the day, bring into my path the people He wants me to love on.)  My spirit needs this for wise mommying and homewifery as much as my body needs food and water.  How will I make good decisions with my time and energy if I am not asking the Holy Spirit to help me distinguish between wise and foolish choices?  Something can look good and wise from the world's view, but not be what God wants me to do, and He's the one who knows best.

--second, self-care.  This one seemed at first like it should be at the bottom of the list, since it felt selfish to put care for myself above caring for my family.  But then I remembered the old comparison between effective mothering and the first rule of airplane safety, which is put on your own air mask before helping others, so that you can help others.  Also, I made the important distinction between self-care and self-soothing.  Tea and chocolate are not self-care, they are my escapes, so they do not take priority over my family. But being wise to eat and get myself ready for the day so that I am ready to take care of my kids--that is necessary self-care, and if I don't do it, I am a much worst mommy, a much poorer servant of the Lord.

--third, my husband.  I know, this is another one that did not feel like it was in the right order.  It seems natural to put the children first, since they are the ones who actually depend upon me for everything.  Ok, sometimes it feels like my husband depends upon me for everything, as I jokingly posted on facebook last week:
DH: So, what is there to eat?
Me: Did you not see the food on the table?
DH: Was it covered?
Me: No, it is sitting there waiting for you. You know, you have the worst foraging skills. I'm doubting this whole Eagle Scout thing.
DH: Well, I found you.

But really, we all know that a good marriage is the foundation for a strong, happy family.  So, it is logical that he should come first in my attention on any given day.  And yet, how often do I actually live this out?

--fourth, my kids.  And this includes cooking nutritious meals for them, clothing them, making sure they get rest, etc. as well as listening to them, helping them learn whatever they need to know to mature into their best adult selves.  They are my most important mission field, and deserve the best of my time and energy.  So taking care of the first things on this list is essential to being the best mommy so that I can love and serve and rear them as I know I am supposed to.  Isn't that something--to think that there are three steps of priority before them, but which all lead to them?


--fifth, school.  Homeschooling is important, and is one of my main jobs at this stage in our family life, and I want to do a good job at it.  This was a good one to get into its proper place on the priority list, because I tend to give other things (like playdates and my own home projects) priority over school.  I mean we do school, but I allow these things to keep me from schooling them my best.

--fifth, home maintenance.  Taking good care of my home is not nearly as important as the other things, but still needs to happen on a daily basis or our home quickly slips into CHAOS (Flylady speak for "Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome").  It is another kind of care for my family and for me, really, and I can't effectively teach or minister to others if my house is wreck.  I need to give home-care it's proper care and attention in order for us to thrive as a family.  But it is not more important than other things, so this seems to be a good place for it in the hierarchy.


So, that is how far I got with the list.  So where does service fit in?  Seems like it must come below all of these--that these items are pretty non-negotiable in their placement.  And where do special projects come in, like my eBay clothing listings, online research or house projects?  And where does blogging fit in? ; )  So this is where I need to ask God to give me wisdom is knowing how to plan my days and weeks and even months, to show me how and when to serve and love--when to make dates to spend time with friends, when to offer my help to friends, when to say yes to requests for help at church. 

But two things I did figure out with this helpful exercise:

1) Self-soothing is at the very bottom of the priority list.  But I need to mentally distinguish between it and self-care better in my mind so I neither neglect myself nor focus on myself to the exclusion of my other priorities. 

2) If I can't do the things on this priority list well, then I really have no business adding to it. 

So, there are where my thoughts have led today.  I would love to know if any of you are working through similar things, and coming up with your own conclusions about what you are supposed to be doing at your particular season of life.  Let's share our wisdom with one another!

Conversation and dishes

(A representation of me and Rosa in the kitchen; 
photo from Father Knows Best.
Yes, He does. ; )

I wanted to write one more thing about the Conversations I was telling you about here.  You see, I'll bet you will be surprised to hear what my absolute favorite part of the three-part series was: doing the dishes!

When I accepted responsibility for the hostessing and desserts, I decided to try to see if we could make these events as waste-free as possible. (With the goal of all SoulKitchen events eventually being almost entirely waste-free, and then using those examples of successful "greening" to encourage our whole church to strive for less waste at church events.) We are so fortunate, because when Vintage Faith first started, it was in partnership with two other churches--Santa Cruz Bible, which birthed it, and the local First Presbyterian church which opened it's campus to share, and then two years later officially joined with Vintage as one body. It is a really beautiful and rather amazing story of churches behaving well, which I won't go into now, but is important simply because when we moved to the First Pres "campus" (really just three buildings, but they are spacious and flexible, and have tons of storage, which has opened up all kinds of ministry and fellowship opportunites, such as the creation of the Abbey coffee lounge), it was an old congregation with all the wonderful acoutrements of old-fashioned church life, like a huge kitchen and loads of official church dishes!

The building which houses the kitchen (and gym) is in sore need of some renovation and all-around loving, and so the kitchen now sees more use for handy-man storage, an impromptu artists' studio, and various church projects than it does anything involving food. It is slightly sawdusty and the floor is drop-clothed and filthy, and you can't get to some of the cupboards easily for the sawhorses and work-spaces in the way--but under the neglect, it is still a wonderful, large, well-designed kitchen, with so many work areas. It is a space that is heavy with nostalgia--such as the large cupboards that Rosa found out the First Pres women used for raising their homemade bread during the service, so then they would be ready for baking after, I assume to then be eaten during some church-wide dinner or fellowship time.  

 I had never really used the kitchen before--but it seemed like the right time to start.  So on the first night of Conversations, I went early and got coffee cups and dessert plates out of the big cupboards (which had been languishing in disuse so long they had to be wiped clean before we could use them) and stacked them on an industrial stainless steel cart with shelves, and wheeled them all to the rooms where we had tables set up and decorated.  We arranged the plates and cups on the table near the coffee and tea, and had a beautiful, welcoming spread for all the ladies who came.  As women were leaving, they just placed their dirty dishes back on the cart, and then my dear Rosa and I wheeled the cart back to the kitchen. 

(Actually, the wheeling to and fro was the only element of the whole endeavor that gave me any trepidation--since we were wheeling the cart outside, around the perimeter of the buildings  on sidewalk that was often slanted for handicapped access.  As the dishes rattled and bumped and slid in subtle increments, Rosa and I would wince, easily imagining the din of kamikaze crockery smashing on the flagstones, thus signaling the end of our "greening" scheme.  I'll brainstorm a more secure transport for the next series of Conversations--but for this last series, the God who keeps his eye on the sparrow was merciful with us and kept his eye on the saucers too.)

Once safely back in the kitchen, we simply wheeled the cart over to the oversized stainless-steel double-sink, well-positioned on an island to be accessible from either side.  One sink filled with hot soapy water, the other with cool rinse water, and the drainboard on the end--the ideal situation for efficient washing up.  (And one of many thoughtful and practical elements that suggest ladies well versed in kitchen duties were instrumental to its design.)  Rosa and I bustled cheerfully about that big, companionable sink for an hour after each night's event--and each time, it was the best part of the whole evening.  Seriously--she and I are good friends, and share the same desire for our church as a whole to be as healthy and sustainable as possible, so the joint activity was natural and satisfying.  But the Conversations we had together there in the kitchen over the big sink of soapy water--they were so deep and special.  We've known each other for years, and yet those nights we learned so much more about each other--real stuff, important stuff.   

(This was us on the inside.)

It was just Rosa and I, late at night in a church kitchen, hands and hearts and words happily engaged.  And yet, there was something else, something almost tangible, heavy in the air as we worked, something whispering in the backs of our minds.  For our little efforts washing dishes--there in the space we had reclaimed in the dirty, uncherished kitchen--seemed symbolic of the overall purpose of SoulKitchen, which is encouraging women to make spaces in their lives for greater depth with God and one another. 

In fact, our official SoulKitchen Vision Statement reads:

SoulKitchen exists to create opportunities for women to know and love God more. To know, love and invest in each other and to study and dialogue about issues of life and faith.  

It is clear how the whole Conversations events so perfectly fit this vision, as I described it in that earlier post--ahhhhh, so beautiful to see our ministry goals fulfilled, so satisfying to see women's needs and desires being met.  It was literal fulfillment of the vision.  But the time I had afterwards, washing dishes with Rosa, felt symbolic of the spiritual fulfillment of the vision.  Those dishes were like us women, created to be used, created to serve, to nourish, to bring pleasure. If we are not being used, if we are not in service, we lose purpose.  We become purposeless.  We might even feel unloved.  Forgotten.  Unappreciated.  Unfulfilled.  

Oh, yes, and there was even symbolism in the very nature of our embracing the kitchen and traditional "women's duties"--long seen in our recent culture as symbols of female oppression and devaluation--and not fearing some kind of diminishment by them.  It is a sad fact that the very social movements that helped women feel restored to public worth stigmatized and decried their life-giving labors in the kitchen.  Doing dishes, especially by hand--esp. in this age of modern conveniences--is considered more than a chore, more like an affront, an offense--and the women who do them pluckless, self-limiting drudges. 

I know of a lot of women who only use disposable plates at home for all their everyday meals--not because they have real reason to, but because somehow the whole idea of dishwashing is beneath them, not worth their time or thought. (And I also know women who use disposable plates regularly who have darn good reason to--I'm not throwing stones at anyone, least of all a mother who sees disposable plates as the last tenuous thread between herself and the abyss of insanity. ; )   

But how sad, that such a simple and instantly gratifying task has become so denigrated.  And how--because of the same mentality spreading to churches of disposable dishes seeming to be an acceptable (and even preferrable) substitute for physical acts of kitchen service--the bountiful resource of the church kitchen has fallen into disfavor and disuse.  But to what extent might our waste of such material resources mirror an unsustainability of our modern spiritual life--that we are taking our freedoms and blessings too much for granted, and the focus of our service is very subtly ourselves?  That we are missing out on the blessings that come hand-in-hand with cheerful labor done unto the Lord?  That we are missing the concept that any task necessary to the fullness of church life is not a burden, but a grace-exuberant opportunity to participate in, choose even, our daily renewal.     

And what other humble kitchen task but washing dishes could so perfectly reflect the purifying of the spirit by immersion in the Spirit? 

So, for all these reasons, starting off this new ministry to women by freeing those dishes from the cupboards, rinsing them clean, putting them in the worthwhile service for which they were created--it gave the labor such a subtle, beautiful hint of redemption.  Of restoration.  Of rejuvination.  Our few hours of washing and rinsing and drying and stacking were holy service, truly Souls in the Kitchen, so retro and so divine. 

As I wrote in an email to the SoulKitchen leaders later, I can see word leaking out, other women getting a whiff of something intriguing, something appealing, something special happening in the kitchen--and them wanting to be in the kitchen too.  : )  As they should--it's truly the best part of the whole shebang.  Coming to a Conversation, being fed, being heard--that is so good.  Leaving a Conversation with a desire for more, for going deeper, for being fully Used in the service of Love, for seeking ways to give ourselves over to the Spirit for renewal--that is so, so, so, so Good. 

I thanked my fellow SoulKitchen ladies for humoring me in my "green" urges.  I'm not just being on some environmental band-wagon--there is so much meaning in that kitchen time, which we as sisters in service should strive to reclaim as a whole body (body of women, church body), for growing our fellowship and increasing our praise.

I also stressed to my SK sisters that I was NOT saying they all had to have the same values, or think they "should" help in the kitchen.  No guilt or nothing here!  Same goes for any of you women in ministry (or in your homes) looking at your paper plates. ; )  I just wrote all this to share how using one of my Gifts (serving) in combination with one of my personal values (going greener) behind the scenes in service to God and His daughters felt SO GOOD.  That is what I want to encourage in all of us!  Regardless of how (or whether or not) God has already brought us to whatever ministries He deemed fit, He might have special new, little areas for each of us to step out in and really bloom!

My sisters in spirit, this is my prayer for all of you!  Be creative, listen to the nudging of the Spirit, think about what is most important to you, and then do a little something to bless others.  It cannot help but bless you too.

And local readers (Jen, I'm talking to you!)--if you hear about the next round of Conversations, likely happening at the beginning of summer, please consider coming! 

(And nobody worry that I'm going to drag you into the kitchen afterwards. It's an invite only scene--but if the Holy Spirit invites you, you are more than welcome! : )

since I last blogged. . .

I have been the worst blogger recently.  I have been working on a follow-up to my last one on the Conversations, and it is appalling how long it has taken me to write what should have been so easy!  I think it has been so hard to write because it was so special, and so I am trying to get all the right words to convey all the feelings I have--hopefully I'll finish it tomorrow morning.  In the meantime, I just could not pass up the chance I had today to blog, and decided to jump ahead and do some catch up! 

So, what follows are just some of the things that have been going on with me and my family recently, most of it not really important, but all of it together a peek into my world. . . .

.   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   . 

Treats from our Rainbow Math Party we had last week with our homeschool friends! 

STAR testing (state-wide required standardized academic testing) is over for this year--whoo-hoo!  We have not had the official "burning of the STAR Test Prep books" yet, but probably will today.  This next week Sunny--who rocked about 4 math lessons a day for the past several weeks in preparation for the test--gets a no-math week.  She is stoked, and does not realize the break is partly because of all the other school things we need to accomplish.  ; )  We need to finish her science project, start our poetry/art book project for the Author's Fair at the beginning of May, and she has to stay caught up with her Monday school assignments too.  So, the week will be math-free, but still a busy one.

BUT the end of STAR testing also means I am feeling a release of pressure, and so we are making lots of opportunities for friend time this week!  We had one playdate Sat. with friends we had not seen in a long time, and have play time (and tea time for Mommies!) with other friends early this week.  Hibernation is long over--it feels so good to be out there again!


Which is good, since I have jumped into the social/extrovert world head first.  First there were the Conversations, then I volunteered to give announcements in the church services today (two services down, one yet to go!), and tomorrow night I start 9 weeks of leading a discussion group for our next SoulFood Bible study.  We're doing Beth Moore's new James study, which I have heard focuses on social justice.  I am a fan of Beth Moore--she insists women approach Scripture with their minds turned on and their hearts open, and that they be willing to stretch themselves.  No fluff--lots of depth.  I am really looking forward to it.  My group will have about 7 women in it, including my dear Rosa.  I am very excited, and hope to explain more later.

.   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .  

Three times this week I actually made myself run.  Like, around a track.  I don't get very far, but I love my body feeling stretched, and used.  So mostly I am walking briskly, and also made myself play on playground equiptment, climbing and jumping and swinging and hanging--using all kinds of muscles I don't normally use!  But when I was done, I felt good.  Alive.  I don't want my body to get old before its time, and so I need to start using it--before I lose it. 

And of course I'm a better mommy when I am a good example to my kids about the joys of exercise--and when I make them stretch themselves and run a ways too!

.   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   . 

I gave Smiley another haircut, this time trying the clippers for the first time.  The results are not nearly as good as last time, since I was experimenting with clipper comb sizes and Smiley wasn't sure he liked the buzzing of the clippers near his ears (so kept moving)--I'd have to say the look this time is more Eastern European orphan than anything else. Sigh.  Good thing it grows out quickly--he should look fine by the time we see family at Easter.


I got my own hair and bangs trimmed yesterday--WHOO-HOO.  I really had needed to for a looooooong time, but kept putting it off, because, well, I am just never inclined to spend my free time on Saturdays doing such errands, and the rest of the time kids don't allow me opportunity.  But the knowledge that I was going to be getting up in front of the church body (i.e. vanity) finally got me motivated.  With my bangs up out of my eyes, I feel so much more like me.


I also took advantage of this occassion to make myself wear something a little dresser than my usual jeans, top, and cardigan sweater.  I wore a cute dress (thanks, Mom, for helping me fix it this past summer!) and leggings and cardigan sweater, and the black leather dress boots DH's aunt gave me last time we were visiting (more about those later too).  My favorite part, though, was getting up the gumption to wear an actual hair accessory:

This is not the greatest pic (and it was taken months ago, another time when my bangs were a little too long), but you can see the fancy clip/fascinator I wore this morning, and roughly how I wore it.  I got it in San Francisco this past Fall when my dear Susan was visiting, but have only worn it once before.  It only cost about $4, and is not the most beautiful thing in the world (oh, the things I have seen on Etsy. . . ), but it stirred something adverturesome and--dare I say, youthful--in me at the time, and I felt just the right amount of pretty and bold wearing it today.  (Those earrings in the pic are some of my favorite favorites--from Trade As One.  But they don't go with the clip, and I don't wear them together, so nobody go all fashion police on me.)

Speaking of earrings, I have misplaced the pouch of jewelry I took with me to my aunt and uncle's house when we went down to LA.  I am sure it will turn up, but I had all my favorite earrings in it (I mean ALL of them), and it has been so much less fun getting dressed these days without them!  Usually earrings are the only little bit of pretty I ever put on, so losing them makes me feel so drab.  And I must say I was not looking forward to standing up in front of people today without earrings that made me feel good.  I confess, I feel naked if I leave the house without lipstick and earrings.  This has been true ever since I was old enough to wear them. Even if I don't shower and am wearing paint clothes and running to Home Depot--I will be wearing lipstick and earrings. And now I only have three pairs left to choose from, and of course they are the old, odd ones that don't match anything!  So the hairclip also made me feel better since I figured it drew attention away from my not-really-coordinating earrings.

I just might have to stop by Trade As One this week, if I can't find my earrings.  I have had my eye on a couple of pairs of earrings they carry--this might be the time to splurge on a pair, until I find the missing pouch:

Oval Floral earrings, $13.00

Silver disk earrings, $11.00

.   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .  

I'm watching (in segments) a movie called Of Gods and Men, and even though I am not all the way through, I can still higly recommend it.  So respectful of faith, so powerful, a story that resonates with real-world issues we see on the news. 

And I gave Merry a book to read this week called ""Ransom's Mark," which is based upon the true story of a pioneer girl, Olive Oatman, who watched her family be slaughtered by Native Americans, and was kidnapped, sold for ransom to another tribe, branded by tatoo, and raised to be a Mohave.  I always read the books I give to the kids, so knew the story and thought it was excellent (it is part of the "Daughter of the Faith" series, so God is prominent, and the overall story deals with Redemption and serving God bravely no matter where you end up--great themes).  Both Sunny and Merry read at levels much higher than their current school grade, so they read all kinds of books that require more maturity in ability and comprehension.  But I wasn't thinking about maturity of spirit when I chose this book for my just-nine Merry, and the other day during our afternoon nap/quiet time, my computer reverie was broken by the sound of sobbing.  My dear girl was so sad, her heart broken reading about Olive losing her family so violently.  We have read sad things before, but this is the first time she experienced that wrenching heart-connection we all get sometimes; she identified with the girl, and really felt for a moment what it would be like to lose her own family. 

So of course I abandoned the computer and took my daughter to the "sofa" and curled her up and wrapped myself all around her and held and loved her while she just sobbed.  Oh, at that moment I was so glad to be her mom, so glad I could be there for her when she had that first realization of how cruel the world is sometimes.  So glad she realized she loved us and was thankful for us.  So glad for her tender spirit, and a heart that can emphathize with the pain of others.  I'm not at all sorry she read the book, or had that sad moment.  She is growing older, and will soon see more and more around her of how much pain and suffering and evil there is in the world--so what a privilege to walk along with her during some of that discovery, to help her not be afraid, or hateful, to help her see the beauty in such stories too, and how nothing--not one thing--is too big or too scary or too tragic for the merciful Lord of the Universe to redeem.

And speaking of God at work in history, I watched another movie recently, The Endurance, about Sir Ernest Shackleton's ill-fated expedition to be the first to cross Antartica.  I was previewing it for potential homeschool fodder, and most of it could be--but the overall story is a little too long and bare and harsh for kids, so I think I will wait until the girls are a few years older.  But I still highly recommend it for a grown-up watch, especially the ending, which reveals God actively at work to comfort and rescue the men of the Endurance.  WOW.  Gives me chills.   It is a secular production, so they don't really go into whether or not the spiritual aspect of what the men experienced was "real," but the words of the men who went through it proclaim the power--and the tenderness--of the living God.

.   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .

My Sunny girl had her moment in the limelight last week when I posted a couple videos of her playing original guitar compositions on facebook.  She has been taking classical guitar lessons for several years (paid for by our charter school, one of many reasons we are so thankful for it, STAR testing and all), and plays on the guitar that was her Daddy's when he was a boy, which makes it extra special.  For those of you who are not fb friends, here is a private link to youtube in case you feel like listening. : )


And finally, the other day Happy and Smiley were playing "baby" on the bed, and it reminded me of when my little guy really was a baby, and his littlest big sister just could not get enough of him:

Fall 2008

So of course I had to snap a pic of my "babies" now:

March 2012

Lifes has been full, life has been good.  So many little things I get in my mind to share with you all, so little time.  (To which you breathe a sigh of relief. ; )  I hope all of you have had a wonderful, family-filled weekend. 

 

Conversations

Isn't this the cutest postcard?  (double-click to embiggen)

My dear Becky--my fellow sister in ministry--created them to pass out at church and at the Abbey coffeehouse to  advertise the series.  

Something that has been part of my life recently, but which I have not yet had a chance to write about, was a three-part series of "Conversations" our church's ministry for women (SoulKitchen) just finished.  Basically they were casual but structured evenings where women could come, have coffee and desserts, and get to know one another and share in small groups about their ideas on/feelings about/responses to/experiences with things that matter.  

We planned this series because for years women at our church have been asking for social events for women, but yet they don't want to do anything the least bit "fluffy," or pedantic, or silly. As a new ministry, we tried out several different things over the years to meet this desire/need, but nothing had an overwhelming response from the women in our church community.  Then we came up with the idea of "Conversations" last year, but did not have a cohesive vision of what they would look like.  Somehow at our annual all-day SoulKitchen planning meeting this past January, the vision and the details just seemed to come together without us even having to think very hard.  Three topics immediately came to us, and they seemed just right.   We thought of three women we would ask to lead the discussions, and they all said yes.  The series seemed almost effortless to plan (and has been overall very easy to execute), which has made it feel all the more like it was God's idea and not really ours.

And, to prove that last point, the event has been way more successful than we ever would have anticipated.  The first night--on the topic of "Difficult Relationships"--we had over 70 women come!  So many that we had to move from the cozy room we had set up to the main sanctuary across the way!  And even more amazing, there was an incredible spirit amongst the women there, of openness, vulnerability, honesty, and a deep desire to be real with one another.  WOW. 

So for the second night in the series we planned accordingly and set up the Sanctuary as our space for the rest of the series, and while we did not have as many women come (about 40 I'm guessing), the conversation within the groups and in the larger group was still so wonderful--heartfelt, wise, warm, encouraging.  (And since the topic for the second week was Parenting, I was really thinking about the things I've been experiencing in my own home with my kids, and getting some excellent Perspective!)

It feels like we finally hit upon what women in our church body are wanting, needing.  I sure know I enjoyed--and was very much blessed by--almost every single minute. I was one of the planners for the series, and was the organizer of the desserts, and the official hostess and MC for all three nights.  Basically I helped get things ready, and did all the crowd management and up-front speaking before and after that evening's facillitator led the Conversation.  Each night a different woman from our church body would present information and generate ideas about that evening's topic of discussion, and lead discussion questions for the rest of us to discuss in small groups.  So much sharing and thoughtfulness and reflection--so much fodder for the spirit and the mind!

The last night was on Identity, and again there was so much good stuff!  Alas, for any of these topics I don't think I can do the ideas we worked with justice--at best I can share a few ideas that are for me to keep processing:

--during our Parenting discussion it hit me that we talk about "raising children."  Hold on--we're supposed to be raising the next generation of  "adults"!  As in, that is the end goal, and yet if we are always thinking about raising "children," how a very subtle shift of expectations pops up in the culture, and this could very well partly explain why we HAVE raised a whole generation of adult children.  That is, grown-ups who demonstrate the actions and apparent understanding of children.  Really good for me to consider.  I have always said I'm going to have "young adults" and not "teenagers"--making a distinction between preparing our kids for adulthood and letting them wallow in rebellious, self-indulgent delayed childhood (see, again, I could be describing much of our adult culture at large!).  So, really, I've always had the expectation, but now see how I need to shift my thinking even away from the teen years as some magical demarcation, and start parenting my kids with adulthood in mind now.  I'm raising little grown-ups now, and thinking of it that way is so freeing to me!  Because of every argument or sassy tone or poor choice now is not them failing at being good kids, it is them practicing at being good adults!!!!  Ok, most of you probably figured this out a long time ago.  But you know how you know something in your head, but don't really understand it?  Now I feel like I get it!  I'm not a failure as a mom because they are doing these things over and over--my parenting is not futile, I'm not ruining them.  They are not perfecting their good little kid skills and thus making me look good (and feel good) for the time being--they are practicing social and self-governing skills and thus learning character that will serve them so much better (Lord willing) for the rest of their lives.

(I know I'm not writing at my most lucid at the moment, but I have been working on this post since last Sunday, and just want it finished and out of my head. So, pardon whatever mistakes you find in my writing, gaps in my explanations, or jumps in my reasoning.)

There was another idea that hit me after this week's "Identity" Conversation, but even though it seemed so Important at the time, it was so late at night when I got home and I was so tired but yet wired, that I don't rember it.  Sigh.  I'm going to need some time to reflect back on the things we had been discussing so I can see if it comes to me (and maybe quiz my dear Rosa to see if I relayed any brilliant ideas to her in the church kitchen during cleanup afterwards).  So if I remember anything in particular, I'll let you all know later, in case it is interesting/useful to any of you as well. : )

 

But I must say, many times through those three nights of Conversations, I thought of all you friends and family who visit this blog!  You would have fit right in, and would likely have enjoyed the discussions very much.  I love it when we have "conversations" here on this blog, and only wish we could do it in real life!

.    

the ways I'm currently supporting adoption

So, I was writing yesterday about my desire to adopt, which may or may not happen, but which at least seems like it will not happen any time in the near future.  But at least I believe God has shown me ways I can obey his command to care for widows and orphans, esp. through supporting adoptive families.  There are lots of different ways we can obey God and love Him by loving "the least of these," but I'll just share the main ways I think God is encouraging me to be His instrument. 

The main way I support adoptive families is by praying. And just so you know, I am no saint, or "prayer warrior," and used to be terrible about saying I would pray for things/people and then forgetting. I know, true confession time. But I taught myself two "tricks" so I would be true to my word and remember to pray for people:

1. Any time I find myself thinking about a person (whether affectionately or negatively ; ) I pray for him or her. (And I have to say, it has been a little unsettling a few times to have someone come to mind throughout the week, but NOT pray for him/her, and then later find out that person was going through something really hard and sure could have used prayer! Looking back, it sure makes me wonder if I had been given nudges from the Holy Spirit to pray for that person, and I ignored it, to my shame. So now, if I find myself thinking about someone seeming out of the blue, I pray for them!)
2. And then the second "trick" that keeps me honest and faithful with prayer is that when I tell someone (or say in a comment on a blog) that I will pray for them, I pause and do it right then.  If it was in a conversation, I do it as I walk away, or drive away, etc.  Just as soon as I possibly can, while the needs are fresh in my mind and heart.

I don't fully understand the way prayer works, and why God would urge us to pray for people when He knows their needs and hears their prayers. It seems He has designed us for relationship with each other, and with Him, and prayer is part of what knits us together in deep relationship, and brings out our compassion and care for others.  Also, just as a Mommy knows what her child needs but still likes to be asked, so I think it is with God. Our coming to Him with our needs and wants is honoring to Him and pleases Him, esp. when we are seeking the good of others. All I do know for sure is that God has directly answered my prayers way too many times to count, so I believe He is there and hears me, I believe He is fully capable of intervening as He sees fit in any situation, and I believe I have witnessed Him do so with miracles.  

Miracles, people!  (And from the things I read on so many of the adoptive families' blogs, miracles are happening everywhere to assist those trying to rescue orphans, all over the world!)

Ok, so prayer is the #1 way I am trying to support adoptive families (and not just Christian ones, either--I know of a few non-Christian adoptive moms, and my heart aches for them when things are rough, because I can't imagine how they do it without the strength and hope and patience and everything else the Holy Spirit would offer, if they believed in Him)  But there are also ways I can help adoptive families financially.  With DH's blessing, I have given gifts between $10 and $50 to help get orphans into their families as quickly as possible.  Sometimes that looks like giving towards the adoption fund of a child who is still waiting to be claimed, sometimes it looks like giving directly to a family who is ready to go get their child but is still short of funds.  It feels SO GOOD to be part of helping individual children--whose faces you can see through online pics, whose stories you can follow on their parents' blogs, who you can sometimes actually watch being transformed after the adoption by the love and care they are now receiving.  But even better is feeling like you were a part of a much larger thing--that your small gift was just one of hundreds, but it was Used to change the world for the better. 

Sometimes I tell you all about some of the kids and the families who are in dire need--because if a need is huge, maybe one of two of you will be moved as I have been, or will pass along the info to others who might be able to help a little.  The blog realm is so huge, and can be such a force for Good, so I just can't help using my little voice here (with all of its approx. 20 readers!) to see if it makes a positive different.  You never know, it just might!  But of course I don't expect any of you to be moved the same way I am, or to give towards what I give to--but it sure thrills me to think you might. ; )  So, really, advocating here on my blog could be considered another way I am supporting adoptive families.

Finally, I sometimes send little love gifts to families I have met online who are dealing with really huge post-adoption issues--there is often an enormous emotional/spiritual/psychological cost to adoption as well, esp. when families have adopted kids with neurological or attachment problems, and my heart is so with these moms who love so deeply but who suffer so much pain for it, over and over, from their kids, from judgemental churches, from ignorant service providers, from the whole wide world that does not understand the core issues.  It might be a little chocolate to someone who enjoys that, or a restaurant gift-card to a mom who is spending a lot of time in the hospital with a seriously ill child, or even just an encouraging letter or email!  A little bit of love goes a long way, and since I love giving things (must be one of my love languages) it just seems a natural way for me to support adoptive moms. 

BUT even more better than that would be supporting adoptive moms in my local area!  Interestingly enough, while I have heard of a few families in the local area who have adopted whom I could possible support, and I have reached out to them, no relationships have come from it.  So I am very open to God sending a local family/mom my way whom I can give a little love and support to "In Real Life," but so far He has not--so I will just continue to support the women and families I am meeting in the virtual world of blogs. I really do believe that God puts you where He wants to use you--and I guess He is making good use of the free time I love to spend on the computer reading blogs! 


So, anyone reading--how are you supporting widows/orphans/adoptive families?  I would love to hear!  (And for those of you who are enjoying this topic, I'll post tomorrow about practical ways to support adoptive families if you are lucky enough to know any IRL.)

my near-story of non-adoption

I was just reading the other day one of my adoption blogs that President Barack Obama has officially proclaimed November as National Adoption Awareness Month. Well, good for him.  And hopefully good for the approximately 163,000,000 orphans world-wide.

163,000,000.  That is a really big number.
 
Just in case any of you were wondering--and if I have not already said this before--I do not think DH and I are supposed to adopt at this point.  That might change, and I am very open to it! I want to adopt--but it sure seems like God has gently shut doors on adoption for us so far. Here is one example of why I think so: years ago, when we first moved to CA, and had two young ones, I was really interested in learning more about adoption, esp. from Haiti.  (I had been wanting to adopt from Haiti since college.) I found an orphanage online that had a photo listing of about 80 children. As I read through the notes about the children, a sibling group of three girls caught my eye, and tugged on my heart.  And I thought that tug meant something.  Was a sign. 

But DH had never been very interested in adoption.  I honestly think he had just never considered it, so it was a completely foreign idea to him.  Also, he comes from a family where blood seems to determine family, and I think he grew up with a pretty rigid idea of who "family" is.  (I feel very blessed to have grown up in a family that had a much more loose definition of "family," and not only did I grow up with an "adoptive" older brother (a Chinese graduate student who for years was there for every birthday, for every holiday, who we loved), but even my grandparents on both sides had relationships and stories that continually blurred the lines between "friends" and "family.")

But one evening, my heart was just aching for those girls, and the orphans in Haiti in general, and so I asked DH to come look at the photolisting for just a minute, to humor me.  I said I knew we were not going to be persuing adoption any time soon, but I was just curious to know if we ever were to adopt, what kind of child might he lean towards?  So DH humored me, and came and looked.  And he choose the sibling group of three girls. 

My heart leapt.  The sign was a SIGN!!!!

And then, not more than a few days later, I saw an annoucement that the government of Haiti had ceased all international adoptions. 

And months later, there was still no change in the political environment there, and no indication of when the Haitian government would once again allow international adoptions.

Even though my heart grieved, I knew that was a sign.

(And I tried to contact the orphanage several times, since DH had agreed that maybe the girls were meant to be "ours" by some kind of financial sponsorship from afar--but no one ever responded to my emails or letter, and the photolisting was removed from the web.  That seemed like another sign.)

So, I don't know what that was all about.  But I do know it gave me hope that one day DH and I might be of one heart and mind towards adoption, and that God knows when and where He wants us to jump in, and that was not it.  And maybe that's all we were supposed to take away from the experience. . . So, until God indicates that part of His plan for us clearly, we are not going to persue adoption.

Oh, and I really do want to clarify that **I do not believe Christian families should wait to adopt until they see a "sign" from God.** The Bible is really clear that caring for widows and orphans = loving and obeying God. I strongly believe that every God-fearing family who claims faith in Jesus should be actively involved in caring for widows and orphans in some manner, and that God wants ALL his orphaned children in families. And that it should be the norm for Christian families to open their homes and hearts to children who need families, no matter where they come from. But even if it became the norm that believing families adopted, I also believe that there would be families that God would keep from adopting, for His Good reasons. So, yes, I do believe that people who claim to follow Jesus should pray and search for clues about whether or not He wants them to adopt; however, I also believe that "waiting for a sign" is a big cop-out for families who claim to love and serve God but who don't want to give up their comfortable American lives to do so.

Ok, end of sermon. ; )

So, right now, we are not adopting.  But I think God has been drawing me more and more into the whole world of adoption (virtually!) and I think I am doing things that fulfill His mandate to care for widows and orphans.   Reading the blogs of adoptive families I have learned so, so much about the world, about God at work, about the needs of those precious to Him all over the world, about practical needs of adoptive families--and that knowledge is helping me know how to reach out and support families who adopt. 

Whew!  This is getting longer than I intended, so I'll end here for now, and continue tomorrow.

Anyone who reads this, I'm mainly writing today for those who claim to be followers of Christ, just to encourage us all to think and pray about what He might want us each to do to obey His command to care for widows and orphans. 

But if you are not a Christian--well, what do you think about the need for families for the millions and millions of orphaned children around the world?  I would love to know what you think humankind's responsibility is for those who suffer, who are forgotten, who have no voice, who are at the mercy of the whims of bureaucrats and slavers, so please feel free to leave a comment!

Fun on the Web Weds #2: Love Letters to P*rn Stars

This is the kind of thing that makes me happy. 

Dear Sister,

I’ve been praying for you. I know your life must not be an easy one. I’ve heard that many mistreat you and use you. I’m so sorry. I wish I could take your pain away. Your heart must hurt as much as mine. It’s hard to write this letter, and I pray that God will help me know what to say to you. I hurt every time I see you on a billboard, or online. I hurt when I see your beautiful face in the grocery store.

My heart breaks into a thousand pieces when I think of my husband lusting over your naked & seducing images. I hate that I blame you for so much of my pain. I am working on healing. I am working on forgiving. I am working on loving myself & you the way Christ loves us both. Through Him we can both find that peace that we are already enough. I pray for you often.

I wish I could throw my arms around you, and comfort you in your darkest hours, because I’ve been there too. The pain seems suffocating at times. We really aren’t that different, are we? We both hurt. We are both broken. We both sin. We both want love, not just any love, a pure love, one that will last forever. We both have hopes & dreams. We both have insecurities. We both want more than what we have right now. . . .

Strangers loving on strangers.  Women who have been hurt, who have good reason to be wary of reaching out, yet choosing to focus on the feelings and needs of the women who they could call the enemy.  (And you could read that sentence with "wife" and "p*rn star" interchangably as the subject and object.)  Women choosing to affirm  the self-hood of each other, to admit the pain on both sides, to embrace truth instead of lies, and to live out grace instead of self-focus.

I feel like this is the kind of thing that makes God happy too.

.   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   . 

On a somewhat related note, guess who came to church a month or so back?

I actually was not at church that day.  But Shelley, our SoulKitchen leader, was giving the message during the service that day, and at the next SK leadership meeting she shared how surreal it was to be talking with this celebrity in the front row.  I guess she was completely blinged out, and had an equally blinged man with her.  It seems Ms. Miller is originally from this area, and her sister lives in Santa Cruz and attends our church (at least sometimes--there are a lot of people I don't know, esp. all the young people who go to the 7 pm service)--and her sister brought her and her boyfriend to church that morning.

I love that!  I love that her sister invited her to church.  I love that a very worldly woman--well-travelled, wealthy, idolized--would say yes.  I love that they sat in the front--I assume not bothered by what anyone would think (and since the 11 am service gets full quickly, maybe those were the only seats left!).  I love that we are a grungy and laid-back body of believers who might have helped this worldly woman feel comfortable--surfers and artists and cool college kids and just enough grey hairs and kids to make the church feel homey.

I wonder though. . . if I had been there, would I have said hello to her?  I always try to say welcoming things to the people I notice, esp. those looking new or on their own.  But I don't necessarily greet couples or threesomes.  And while I did not know who this woman was, would I still have been intimidated by her beauty, her bling, her apparent worldliness, and a possible air of indifference?

I wonder even more--did anybody say hello to her?

So. . . what other people are showing up at our churches and not being welcomed? 

Or what people might show up if they thought they would be welcomed? 

What people is God bringing into my path, on Purpose?

The first time I ever saw a photo of Paris Hilton, I did not know who she was, but my heart instantly broke for her.  It just seemed too apparent in the photo--in an US magazine--that she feels unloved for who she is inside, and uses her body to feel loved.  And it was not a candid photo, that shows a celebrity at her worst--it was an image in which she was posing for the camera.  She was presenting to the world the image she wanted to convey, but what I saw was a girl, hurting.  I vowed to pray for her, and I did, for a long time.  I don't remember to do so very often now.  But the thought that grabbed me, when I saw that photo, is the one that haunts me now: 

Who is praying for her?

Who thinks she is worth it?