weekend update--Me and MIL

MIL and FIL came to visit this past extended weekend.  Overall it went as well as could be expected, and so much better than in years past.  MIL has been living out so much grace the past two times we were with them, and so we have overall had nice times, and this time there was just a little more underlying negativity that made the overall tone of the weekend just a little less comfortable.  I honestly think MIL does not even know she does it.  Well, I mean I think she says things on purpose, because she thinks she must (to teach us, to show us truth, or to send a message), but I don't think she realizes how the overall effect can be so negative.

Examples:
a.  Commenting on how I am eating as much as four people at lunch one day.
b. After Merry plays a beautiful song on the recorder, saying, "You should learn the clarinet." (that one cracks me up, because MIL meant it in a good way, that Merry was good enough on the recorder that it was time for her to move up to a "real" instrument. But still! ; )
c. Sunday breakfast I made a fancy meal, forgetting MIL and I had chatted about other possibilities the day before, which it turns out she was expecting.  So, she channelled her disappointment into commenting over and over how the kids clearly did not like the food (omlette with sauteed mushroom and onion, with sun-dried tomatoes and a fruit salad and toast), because they were not eating very quickly.  Finally I said, "Would anyone else like to disparage the food?  If so, how about you get it out all at once." But I did it in a humorous tone, and everyone laughed.  (And FIL sweetly complimented the food.)  And then MIL went right on back commenting how the kids clearly did not like the food.

See, I think MIL means what she says, but really does not mean to sound so. . . mean.  So I try to listen to the words behind the words, you know?  I try to hear the expectations (or expectations unmet), or the desire, or the hurt, or the insecurity, or even the compliment behind the sometimes hurtful or even just confusing words.  And then I try to take that understanding and do things differently--because the goal is to love MIL in a way she can recognize. 

And MIL was really making an effort to be loving too!  She let me do most of the cooking, which is a real turn-around from the past.  It is not that I want to be in charge in the kitchen--I actually don't care if she cooks while she is here, because, hey, I don't have to cook, and it keeps her busy--and busy is good--and because she likes to be in charge, and that is one arena I don't care if she takes charge of.  So its not like I have ever indicated I don't want her in the kitchen, and I like working side by side together.  But she was--on her own--stepping back and letting me have control of the kitchen and meal planning, which was a big sign of her trying to respect me and my role in my home.  So sweet!  And she would come in and ask if she could help and what I wanted her to do.  Again, so sweet!  And once when she asked, I said there was nothing to do, but I would love it if she sat and kept me company, and so she did and we had a nice time chatting about GMOs while I finished up.   And she would set the table and other helpful things, but the point is not who did what, but that she was trying to be loving and helpful and respectful, and that was such a nice foundation for the visit.

And another way MIL was showing love and restraint and respect for me was in NOT cleaning or trying to do my laundry.  I really don't like her to do these things, because we had a lot of that at the beginning of our relationship, and it always ended up implying judgement of my inadequacies as a homemaker, a wife, a mom, etc.  (Whether or not MIL intends that, her words and actions in the past have led me to feel that way.)  She even commented that she would be doing those things but knew I liked to do it myself--now that is spoken love, people!  I made sure to affirm that was true and that I appreciated her consideration.  And then she had the brilliant idea of attacking my mending bag (which was SO MUCH SMALLER than it used to be, because I have been so much better about making a point of mending, but which still had about seven things in it.  MIL mended most of them, and after I was done cooking I joined her, and we finished the whole bag. What a blessing!)

And MIL and I had several true "girlfriend" moments too, like shopping at the Trade As One "boutique" set up at our church last weekend, and we liked the same scarf and bracelets (and MIL bought me a beautiful scarf as an early Christmas present). And then another day getting ready for the girls' musical production of Peter Pan, and we were in a rush getting the kids out the door to make it to the final dress rehersal, so I finished brushing and re-doing my hair and then putting on some makeup in the ladies' room at the church, and MIL borrowed my lipstick and eyeliner to put finishing touches on herself.  I love it when we have little moments of simple solidarity like that!  And then another time we went looking at the Santa Cruz Goodwill, and she found a great suede skirt for $3 that made her really happy, and we had fun.

But sometimes those great girlfriend moments end up making me too easily hurt the next time a negative thing is said.  I have to find that fine emotional line between being so open (and thus vulnerable) in my loving, and then being too easily bruised--which makes me then want to withdraw further, out of self-protection, which is not loving--and keeping myself reserved, which is safer but which I think MIL even picks up on and which, if I am conveying it, then builds up barriers between us. 

So hard! 

They left yesterday, and I spend the afternoon drinking tea (having not had a single tea time all weekend) and hanging out on the computer catching up on blogs and doing other business.  And I read this post by sidebar favorite Welcome to My Brain, about something called the "locus of control" and how realizing where your emotional focus is can help you identify where you are setting yourself up for feeling out of control, or needing control, or beliving the lies (which I have written about before) that somehow you are not in control of your own feelings and actions.  Some highlights for me:

We need other people. They feed us and they support us. Yet, it is not healthy to rely on other people to be the source for feeling good about ourselves or making a positive choice. These other people may not always be there. They may have their own bad day. In reality, if our self-esteem is only based on others and the things that happen to us, then it's really not true, positive self-esteem.

Sometimes we find our sense of acceptance, validation or worth from our spouses, friends and even our kids. There's nothing wrong with feeling these things when our spouse compliments us in a room full of people, or when our children say, "Thanks, Mom. I love you," or when our friends send us an encouraging email. The big indicator is how we feel about ourselves in the absence of these things. . . .

What I'm realizing, as well, is that this affects every thing I do and every relationship I have. If your locus of control is more external, it affects how often, how strongly and how long you will have negative responses to things. . . .

I am sure you can see how this directly relates to the thoughts and feelings I am processing after this visit by my in-laws.  I think this is one area in which MIL and I have a lot in common, so we are unintentionally allowing our own faulty views of "locus of control" to negatively impact our relationship with one another. 

So, I hope God will shed more light on this whole idea in my mind and heart as we prepare for a whole holiday season with DH's family.  I want to keep growing, to keep learning how to lay down myself--but in a healthy, safe, God-led way--and focusing on truth and doing my best to live out grace and love and all those wonderful things. 

Oh, and I need this with my kids too, as they are having the traditional post-grandparent melt-downs!  : ) 

I encourage all of you to read the linked post--such good food for thought.  And may you be having a blessed week!