A favorite memory with MIL from last weekend

That weekend on Saturday when we got home from the martial arts event, I had a moment of decision:  with the kids playing in the backyard and the menfolk talking about some project outside, it was just me and MIL in the house together.  She was in the living room with her touchpad and facebook, and I knew I could find reason to occupy myself elsewhere and look productive.  Or I could purposefully go be with my MIL.  As you know from that last post, MIL and I had had a few tense moments that day, and as I confessed, I was in a heart-weary and wary place.  I was not sure where conversation alone would take us, and I knew it could get ugly, and quickly.  But I also knew that if I chose to be busy elsewhere, I would be sending a clear message to MIL that I did not want to be with her, or that I was uncomfortable being alone with her.   And that I certainly did not want to do.  So I made tea for both of us, and headed into the lion's den the living room.

But then I got the idea of downloading photos from our morning and putting them on facebook--the perfect activity to give me reason to be in near proximity to MIL so our sharing space would not seem forced or artificial.  And it was so much more comfortable to have something to be doing so that we did not have to be talking every moment, or even looking at one another, but just comfortably seem like we were sharing a moment of life together.  MIL was very interested in this activity too, and told me which photos and videos I should put on fb.  So I put more things on fb than I normally would have, but hey! glad to do it as a relationship-building activity with MIL. And since I was having to use GIMP to alter the files first, and since fb was having some fits about loading things even after they were resized, the activity took almost 2 hours, so that worked out really well for spending the rest of the afternoon with MIL while looking busy at the same time.

But here's what I wanted to mention specifically:  you all will likely remember the whole long hair controversy I was writing about earlier this month.  Well, while MIL and I were sitting there in the living room together, she brought it up again.  This leads me to believe that MIL must have been as dissatisfied as I was with how those previous interactions went.  But this time, it did not feel like an attack--it actually felt like a conversation.  And it completely affirmed to me what I wrote earlier about MIL sometimes saying negative sounding things with the intention of relationship building.  So she said all the same things, but in a less confrontational way, and I was able to ask questions about why she felt that way and try to affirm her right to her own opinion, but also affirm our own stance on the matter.

And it was completely fascinating, by the way.  She told me that by the time she was 12 she was doing her own hair and wearing makeup and had a boyfriend.  And I asked her, "Are you saying that was a good thing?"  And she said yes, of course.  And so I asked, "And are you saying you would really want your grand-daughter to be wearing makeup and having a boyfriend at age 12?"  And she said yes, of course.  The conversation went in a different direction from there, but the gist of it was, as far as I can interpret it: MIL really, really wants her grand-daughters (and likely me too, although this conversation was about them) to look like everyone else.  She is really uncomfortable with us being so anti-establishment.  She did, however, acknowledge that we may fit into Santa Cruz really well. ; )

So, anyway, the overall tone of that time together was one of sharing and communicating.  And she even told me about first meeting FIL while she was engaged to another guy and that whole story was amazing to hear, not only because MIL was actually sharing something personal about herself and her past, which I love, but also because I could extrapolate so much about her ways of thinking from the story.  I'm not saying I'm correct in my theories, but it's fun (and I hope even helpful) to make them.  For example, MIL is such a strong, dominant personality and yet insists that she only married FIL because he wouldn't leave her alone and because her parents wanted her to.  This particular aspect of the story was not just revealed in private on Saturday--no, she posits this several times a year, always in the presence of her children, grand-children, and spouse.   I can only assume that either she is not telling what was really in her heart and mind at the time--and in that case, why insist instead upon a version that sounds so negative, and paints her in such a passive role?--or she is telling what really happened, and then does that explain anything about our current interpersonal/familial dysfunction?  And why say it so frequently, and in front of the very people who it could potentially hurt the most?  FASCINATING.  And potentially helpful to consider. 

Oh--and when she repeated it Saturday night at dinner, and I think my kids really heard her for the first time, Smiley said emphatically, with a smile, "Thank you, Opa, for not leaving Oma alone!"  We all burst out laughing. Oh, my sweet and wise little boy!

So, I just wanted to tell you all about that nice couple of hours MIL and I shared last Saturday.  It just goes to show that when I am trusting God, and not letting fear rule me, then good things have a chance to happen.  Even if things had gone in the opposite direction, I fully believe the Holy Spirit would have helped me handle them with love and grace--it was one of those times He was nudging me and saying, Trust me.