the love nazi?

One of the blogger moms I read daily is Dorothy, who just wrote today a post that I needed to read, because it directly addresses an aspect of mommyhood that I have been aware of, but which I am still learning to recognize and change. . . .

There are not many authors out there who are sharing the message that our relationships should not be based on the success of behavior modification and a punishment/reward system. I'm all for consistency - my kids with FASD's thrive under it - but I need to be super careful I am not taking the same punitive system we use for housework into my relationships with the kids. Which sounds horrible to write here but I was doing it far more than I want to admit.

Some of it was subtle - just an emotional distancing. Some of it was not subtle - letting them know that they had disappointed me and now there was a cost. Remember the Soup Nazi's famous phrase "No Soup For YOU!" I had the same heart attitude as that character and it wasn't pretty. Nope. It was all about setting up some weird sort of conditional-love based on behaviors and me as the controller of the standards. It was wrong and I am sorry that I manipulated my kids in that way.

Thank you, Lord, for brave and honest and introspective mothers who blog!   

I feel like I need to state--in light of my post about a rough time last week--that my kids are really great kids.  Seriously great.  They are overall obedient, even compliant.  They are creative and enthusiastic and overall positive.  They are so great that their friends' moms tell me how wonderful they are to invite over, and one friend even borrows one of my daughters when she needs to get work done, because she knows that daughter will be an engaging and trouble-free playmate for her daughter.  My kids are overall easy-going, and content with life. 

Well, until they are not.  And for some reason, we seem to go in phases, and the past two weeks have been just downright hard, and while my kids would never let anyone outside the family see this behaviour, with me they have been slow to obey, sassy and argumentative, downright rebellious and throwing little temper tantrums, not choosing well and then not accepting the natural consequences. . . .

In other words, my sweet children are currently really testing my parenting skills, and while at the beginning of last week I was just too wounded and weary of spirit myself to handle it well (due to conflict with someone close to me), by the end of the week I was feeling strong and determined to enforce our household standards of acceptable behavior and ways we treat one another. 

Which means I have been really firm and yet trying to walk alongside them.  So, sometimes lecturing, sometimes offering hugs, always reminding us all of what is right.  And it is kinda, sorta working--and also not.  The behavior is not changing, even though I am being really consistent and making consequences that are fair and as frequent as the offending behavior.  For example, letting the kids know I expect them to comply the first time I give them a directive, and then being sure to help them turn it around immediately if they don't comply, or doling out an appropriate consequence--which is essentially the familiar behavior-modification form of parenting with which we are all familiar. 

But I have to admit, I struggle in my heart with fully loving the kids on hard days, and not withdrawing from them emotionally.  I love Dorothy's analogy of the Soup Nazi (which is a Seinfield character, based upon a real-life New Yorker who some people say is the meanest person in New York, even if he makes the best soup and people line up our the door to be served), and hope I will think of that when I am feeling hard-hearted myself towards my kids on their rough days--since humor goes a loooooong way towards helping me see my flaws and then tempering them with greater honesty and humility. 

My love for them should not be based upon how they act--and isn't, really. But how often do I let myself slip into the subtle lie of acting towards them as if my love for them must be earned by good behavior, and maybe even subtly withholding love because their behavior displeases me?  (shudder) 

Ok, that's enough about the kids and tough times for one week.  Next up on the menu--Steampunk and new clothes!  Oh, yeah.