it's all greek to me

Tonight I thought I would check out what's happening on facebook for a few minutes, and oddly enough two of my fb friends were part of posts that were a bizarre mix of English and, well, gobbeldy-gook.  At least to me.  The first was a Romanian woman who has been living with my parents while in grad school.  The second was a friend commenting on someone else's photos. I don't know why those posts suddenly caught my eye, but thanks to Google translate, and good guessing, I figured out what languages were being spoken (Romanian and Haitian Creole). 
It worked fairly well with the mash of Romanian and English, which turned out to be a pretty normal conversation, at least for those who are bi-lingual and flip back and forth with ease.  But the Google translator turned out to be not much help at all when trying to make heads or tails of the Haitian Creole:


speaker 1: pa fose neg la non frem, Li diw li pa dako hahah

translation:  do not force the guy name FREM, he say he do not agree hahah.

speaker 2: Dyeddddddddd ou a ap tounen wi poze non. mwen men'm mwen pranl kreyolman, lol

translation:  Dyeddddddddd you will be asked back name.  I men'm I pranl kreyolman, lol.

speaker 3: Bon saw gen laaaaaaaaa wap bay neg la presyon an.

translation: Saw you give the guy a good laaaaaaaaa pressure.

speaker 4:  kon l metel deyo la pranl pou kol

translation: hence it is mutually outside pranl to neckline.


Uh, huh.  Pretty much even more confused now. 

(But imagining all kinds of things this conversation could mean--Creole gangster talk?  It doesn't sound wholesome, that's for sure.)

(Then again, take normal wholesome conversation minus spellcheck and posted in fragments of thought and taken completely out of any context--who knows what my fb posts read like in their translator!)

lost the energy--but brought back that lovin' feelin'

Well, I had thought about posting a few days ago, and it would have been a rather mopey post.  It has become harder and harder to get myself all psyched for getting stuff done.  I have finally lost my momentum and am all pooped out.  (And I just now realized what a bizarre and horrible phrase "pooped out" is.  As in "I'm pooped," which I am pretty such I have heard respectable and linguistically conservative people like my parents say during my lifetime.  Does it really mean what it says?!  And how have I been using that phrase off and on throughout my life without ever thinking about the words actually issuing from my lips and the picture they make?!!!  Does anyone else ever say this???!!!  GROSS.  With this long over-due recognition, I herefore banish this phrase in all its forms from my vocabulary and my home.)

Where was I?

Oh, right, talking about being done. (snicker. ; )

Really, the month-long adrenaline rush wore off last week, and it has been so grey and gloomy and cold in the mornings, and I've been all sore and stiff and tired from all the bending and reaching and lifting I've been doing. . . . And my dear Becky took all the kids Thurs. afternoon so I could do a few child-unfriendly projects, like re-staining parts of the hardwood floor that had been worn away, but after a long day of hard work and terrible fumes the floor did not look much better and the fumes lingered overnight, which made me feel like a bad mommy for endangering the health of my family, for such pathetic results. . . . And since my familly arrives in FOUR days, you would think we are setting things in order around here, but NO, we have been making NEW messes while trying to get some necessary things done--like DH is at the moment running new phone cables under the house for our computer modem, because a week ago the old wires went on the fritz, and we have been living with a twenty-five-foot white cord draped over the ceiling beams running from the computer to the only other phone jack in the kitchen, which is not something you want when guests are here, but also not something we had budgeted project time for, and in the meantime half of the living room has been displaced so he has room to work, while the other half was already displaced from a deep cleaning project I started last week. . . . 

So if I had posted on Friday morning as I had planned, I would have been complaining and whining and bemoaning the grey state of my spirit (ok, I guess I just did in that last paragraph ; ).  Friday I wasted much of the day, sitting at the computer much of the day, doing light housework and laundry and stuff like that, but not motivated to work on any of the projects I was still hoping to get done.  But then, late afternoon, I somehow remembered that post I wrote previously, in which my day started out gloomy and slow but then I completely turned it around by choosing to look towards God and get moving.  So, Friday, even thought it was totally late in the day--like 5:00 p.m.--I made myself get up off my duff and just do something.  And once again I was amazed both at how my attitude improved, and how much I got done on the projects list.

This weekend DH and I did a lot. . . and yet, we really could have done a lot more, if we had been full of vigor.  And yet, I am finding in my spirit that instead of being glum about what we did not accomplish, I am ok with what we did.  Like Mary Poppins says, "Well enough is as good as a feast."

It is perfectly fine that I am out of steam.  Eh, I knew we would never get done all the things I would have liked, but it was sure nice to see what we could do.  I am so happy with the things we did get done.  And I have peace about what isn't done.  And I am also very proud of both myself and DH for what we have accomplished, since we have not had this productive of a streak since we first moved in.  Proud of myself because I did lots of things I was dreading, like spending a lot of time up on ladders, and really proud of Dear Husband because he has worked so hard--because he loves me and knows it is important to me.

A loooooooong time ago I wrote about love languages, and how I think I receive love most through words of affirmation and acts of service.  Equally long ago I also wrote about how my marriage was deep in a pit a few years back.  DH and I working so hard this past month on projects has been good for both of us, in so many ways--but the biggest blessing in it for me is that I have felt more loved by my husband than I have felt in years.  (Lots of other factors there too, like us having matured greatly in understanding and wisdom, and being purposeful in our building up of one another--all vital stuff--so this is like the icing on the cake.)

So here I am, surrounded by disorder, facing a week of lots yet to do, and finding myself no longer glum and lethargic, but instead perfectly content with the chaos and necessary slower pace.  Once again, this house manages to be a perfect metaphor for my life, my marriage.  It ain't perfect, it ain't pretty, but it's mine and it's good enough. And sometimes good enough is great.

I'll end with a quotation from another slow and unstimulating but good documentary I was watching during naptimes this week:
 
“It’s okay to head out for ‘wonderful,’ but on your way to ‘wonderful’ you’re gonna have to pass through ‘alright.’ And when you get to ‘alright’ take a good look around and get used to it cause that may be as far as you’re gonna go.”--Bill Withers, in Still Bill

Fun on the Web Weds: #3--meet my new blog

I know, I know.  You're thinking, why on earth does that woman need another blog?!  It's not like she's keeping this one up very well!

So, here's the story:

You know how I started exploring the world of Steampunk here in some fashion posts a while back?  Well, thanks to Susan for showing me how to look at my blog stats, over time I noticed more and more views of those posts.  Most of those hits come from Google image searches--esp. for corsets.  Eh, that's fine.  There's only one person in this world who I am not sure I want to find this blog, and she sure won't do so by googling "steampunk pirate corset."  ; ) 

Except over more time I noticed a huge jump in the numbers of visitors to this blog via those posts--we're talking a total of 1,539 views of the post on accessories for the waist, and so far 679 views of the post on women's steampunk looks (and 18 of them today!).  Purely by accident I figured out that those posts had been linked to at least one Steampunk message board, and one random online clothing store!  All of a sudden, it felt like there were too many strangers coming by, too many random people (from all over the world!) who would search for and click on an intriquing Steampunk image--and find themselves unexpectedly not in a Steampunk world, but a shocking place of pastel polka-dots and bright-eyed kids and talk of adoption and menstruating and God. . . ACK!  I almost feel sorry for them. But mostly I just started to feel a little creeped out.  Why would I want to be luring to my cozy little blog people who didn't mean to find me, who won't want to be here?

I really enjoy thinking and writing about Steampunk, and hope to continue the series--I have so many fun and beautiful and interesting things to share, for little kids and brave husbands and for aesthetic pleasure around the home.  I am getting excited just thinking about it.  But I decided I needed a different place to post those things--someplace more appropriate, more safe. 

And that leads us to my new blog: Minnie Zephie's Steampunk Treasure Trunk!

I'm still tweaking the blog, but have copied all my Steampunk posts over there, and it is where I will write about Steampunk in the future.   None of you have to follow me there--you don't have to pretend you enjoy Steampunk!  This is just an FYI, esp. since I will be removing the Steampunk posts from this blog.

Minnie Zephie was the mother of my mother's mother.  (Did I get that right, Mom?)  I have always wanted to use that name for an online children's boutique--I had envisioned an etsy-ish space long before there was such a thing!--but recognize that I probably never will. Hmmm, unless it is a Steampunk boutique?  ; )  So finally I found a way to use that favorite name in a space that benefits from nods to the long-gone. 

So, please do stop by and take a look, when you get the chance.  But again, no need to linger.  You'll know where to find it if you ever get the urge.  : )

Fun on the Web Weds #2: Love Letters to P*rn Stars

This is the kind of thing that makes me happy. 

Dear Sister,

I’ve been praying for you. I know your life must not be an easy one. I’ve heard that many mistreat you and use you. I’m so sorry. I wish I could take your pain away. Your heart must hurt as much as mine. It’s hard to write this letter, and I pray that God will help me know what to say to you. I hurt every time I see you on a billboard, or online. I hurt when I see your beautiful face in the grocery store.

My heart breaks into a thousand pieces when I think of my husband lusting over your naked & seducing images. I hate that I blame you for so much of my pain. I am working on healing. I am working on forgiving. I am working on loving myself & you the way Christ loves us both. Through Him we can both find that peace that we are already enough. I pray for you often.

I wish I could throw my arms around you, and comfort you in your darkest hours, because I’ve been there too. The pain seems suffocating at times. We really aren’t that different, are we? We both hurt. We are both broken. We both sin. We both want love, not just any love, a pure love, one that will last forever. We both have hopes & dreams. We both have insecurities. We both want more than what we have right now. . . .

Strangers loving on strangers.  Women who have been hurt, who have good reason to be wary of reaching out, yet choosing to focus on the feelings and needs of the women who they could call the enemy.  (And you could read that sentence with "wife" and "p*rn star" interchangably as the subject and object.)  Women choosing to affirm  the self-hood of each other, to admit the pain on both sides, to embrace truth instead of lies, and to live out grace instead of self-focus.

I feel like this is the kind of thing that makes God happy too.

.   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   . 

On a somewhat related note, guess who came to church a month or so back?

I actually was not at church that day.  But Shelley, our SoulKitchen leader, was giving the message during the service that day, and at the next SK leadership meeting she shared how surreal it was to be talking with this celebrity in the front row.  I guess she was completely blinged out, and had an equally blinged man with her.  It seems Ms. Miller is originally from this area, and her sister lives in Santa Cruz and attends our church (at least sometimes--there are a lot of people I don't know, esp. all the young people who go to the 7 pm service)--and her sister brought her and her boyfriend to church that morning.

I love that!  I love that her sister invited her to church.  I love that a very worldly woman--well-travelled, wealthy, idolized--would say yes.  I love that they sat in the front--I assume not bothered by what anyone would think (and since the 11 am service gets full quickly, maybe those were the only seats left!).  I love that we are a grungy and laid-back body of believers who might have helped this worldly woman feel comfortable--surfers and artists and cool college kids and just enough grey hairs and kids to make the church feel homey.

I wonder though. . . if I had been there, would I have said hello to her?  I always try to say welcoming things to the people I notice, esp. those looking new or on their own.  But I don't necessarily greet couples or threesomes.  And while I did not know who this woman was, would I still have been intimidated by her beauty, her bling, her apparent worldliness, and a possible air of indifference?

I wonder even more--did anybody say hello to her?

So. . . what other people are showing up at our churches and not being welcomed? 

Or what people might show up if they thought they would be welcomed? 

What people is God bringing into my path, on Purpose?

The first time I ever saw a photo of Paris Hilton, I did not know who she was, but my heart instantly broke for her.  It just seemed too apparent in the photo--in an US magazine--that she feels unloved for who she is inside, and uses her body to feel loved.  And it was not a candid photo, that shows a celebrity at her worst--it was an image in which she was posing for the camera.  She was presenting to the world the image she wanted to convey, but what I saw was a girl, hurting.  I vowed to pray for her, and I did, for a long time.  I don't remember to do so very often now.  But the thought that grabbed me, when I saw that photo, is the one that haunts me now: 

Who is praying for her?

Who thinks she is worth it?

Fun on the Web Weds: etsy delights for the baby

Writing about those girl skirts was fun--and I realized, it was a little like cleaning out my etsy favorites "closet" too, since once I shared the images here I was free to remove them from my ever growing list of favorites there on etsy.   In other words, doubly satisfying! 

So, since it is a foggy Weds. morning, and I am all stiff and sore from yesterday's gardening, and the girls are playing so nicely in the bedroom all together, and Smiley is perfectly content playing with trucks while he does his morning business on his little potty, and I have absolutely no urge to spoil this moment of tranquility. . . let's look at more etsy together! 

In this post, I'll share some other things I have come across during my etsy searches this past year, a few baby items that are either too sweet or too funny not to share:

baby poncho, by 3NiecesDesigns

(Jessica, this first one has baby Grace written all over it!)

yellow, by kneesandtoesboutique

baby doll sling, by SnuggyBaby

hat with earflaps, by mo jackson

tulip pocket sundress, by RevolutionaryWoolens

baby blossoms booties, by BabyOasis

wool diaper cover, by grandmagift11

wool monster slippers, by HandKnitHugs

classic black baby all stars, by ipeekdesigns

crochet giraffe hat, by puremagicstudios

Please Wait. . . . bodysuit, by Xmarksthetot

colorful baby sock monkey hat, by Emerald69

petunia pegnuin and her glittery pink bow hair clip, by Isfashionflair

baby reversible romper dress, by pjskids

Closing note.  There are WAY too many beautiful and adorable things for babies on etsy.   This is truly just an eensy weensy sampling. It is a really good thing we are not having more babies (right, Lord?), because I had not discovered etsy when I had babies--and now the knowledge I have would be a dangerous thing indeed. . . ; )

etsy delights: for the little girly girl

So I mentioned in my last post that I was scrolling through the delights of etsy last week, looking for some things.  Two of the things I wanted to get were a nice tutu skirt and a matching pair of fairy wings, as our present for Happy on her birthday--for her "Fairies in a Forest Teaparty" that is coming up in a few weeks. 

(This party theme has been a tradition so far--in our home, your kindergarten year you get your first birthday party, and when Sunny was a kindergartener she and I chose this theme and it was so charming and so fun that we have repeated it for every girl.  The 8th birthday is the Princess party, which we just had for Merry earlier this year--who knows what the next theme will be!  And what we will do when Smiley is old enough for his first party?  Methinks he won't want to be a Fairy in the forest.  His father won't want him to be either. ; ) 

So this past week, after looking at what must be hundreds of tutus, I found two sellers that seemed to have the nicest and still reasonably priced tutus.  (So if anyone is in the market for a tutu, let me know--I'll hook you up!)  This will be a custom order, and so we went with the seller who could make it in time.  I found some really pretty wings, too, and I could even send a photo of the wings to the lady making the tutu, so she could match the colors!  That is one of the true beauties of etsy, communicating directly with the artisans, so you get what you really want.

Now, I did check eBay as well before ordering the tutu, and I could have bought a tutu there for a pittance.  But I just could not bring myself to do it.  The cheap tutus were all coming from China, which just screams "sweatshop."  If I can buy a tutu for a couple of bucks from China, what did the person who made the tutu actually get for his/her labor?  Probably not enough to support a family.  The maker could even be a little girl the age of one of mine, forced to slave over a sewing machine. . . I can't bear the thought.  Buying most things on etsy is safe--you are typically supporting artists or crafty moms.  (There are a few shops that are located in China or India, and I get skeptical, thinking how did you bead that pillow all by yourself, seller, and have a whole shop of them, and still only charge $35 for them?  Makes me think those things are still being crafted by a questionable labor source, with just fancier photography.  But these shops are not as common, and sometimes appear to be supporting a family industry, which could be legitimate.) 

Another problem with ordering one of the cheap eBay tutus--who knows what kind of terrible, "barbie" plastic fabric they might be made of, scratchy and ugly. . . .  no fun to give Happy if it is no fun for her to wear.  I know that I could have bought my own tulle and handmade a tutu, knotting the fabric on elastic.  You can see lots of examples of this style on etsy too, and being sold for considerably less, but I don't think they look that great.  Fine if you just want something for a one-time event, or for dress up.  For this purchase. . . well, I have a momma's heart for my third little girl.  She gets so little new just for her (mainly the beautiful dresses my mom makes for every birthday), and is the child most easily passed over in our family, because of her place in the ranks.  I want her to feel truly special on her birthday, and want a skirt that will be well made and long-lasting, and make her feel like a princess.  I think the things I found will do it.

Anyway, while in my etsy foraging, I came upon so many other adorable skirts and little girl clothing--so many worth sharing with you!  So of all the adorable little girl skirts I saw on etsy this last week, here are some of my favorites:

fantasy garden twirl skirt, by onlyu

city birds a line ruffle twirl skirt, by ShereesAtelier

the urban tutu, by Xmarksthetot

Be Mine Too holiday skirt, by dragonfrye

This one is one sale for $7.50!  It appears to be simply made, but that price makes it a sweet retro buy.

gertrude skirt, by EvyBleuDesigns

This one looks just like the designer brand of children's clothing Matilda Jane.  I love the shabby/countryside style, and th mix of patterns and colors.  It's on sale too, for $22!  (And you certainly won't find a Matilda Jane skirt on eBay for that little, even used.)

camel dunes tiered skirt, by SilkRoute2

LOVE the colors and style of this one!  But it is made in India, and it is not clear from this store who is actually doing the making. . . .

floral lilly skirt, by koosi

kaia fleece and hand knit skirt in cream, by EdenDesignGarden

chenille puppy reversible skirt, by WhimseyRanch

shades of blue twirl skirt, by freespiritstudio

sunny zinnias vintage linen apron skirt, by onlyu

I love these apron style dresses--also very Matilda Jane.  The vintage hankie apron is genius and adorable!

saturday swirl skirt--tangerine dream, by ChoochMagooz

buttons pleated skirt, by CollieOllieDesigns

Some of these, like this pleated skirt, I might not actually want to own, but it is such an original and cute design I had to include it.

love in bloom valentine twirl skirt, by ChewChewsCloset

too cute!

rose tiered skirt, by BellaBowsBowtique

This one is also priced very reasonably and is so pretty!  It reminds me of another upscale children's clothing brand, Room Seven, a sister company to Oilily.

girls super-full two-tier poofy skirt, by CottontailKids


This is the one that I think would be so cute on Sunny, who is a petite ten, with these black leggings.  What do you think, Mom?  Can we together some up with something similar? ; )

I admit, some of them would be adorable on my girls, and when I see something so cute I get a momentary urge to buy. But one thing I love about sharing these delights here on my blog--somehow, posting about them is psychologically just as good as buying them, and so I can enjoy the beauty without emptying the back and overfilling the closet. : )

blogging, interrupted

This is what I started to write last Sunday:

Ok, there are other things I started to write about a couple of days ago, but no time to write anything now--it is late, and I have been driving myself all weekend to get a lot done. So excited to see REAL PROGRESS on some long overdue projects around here! Thank you, Mom and Dad and Rebecca (my big sister) and Emily and Sarah (her daughters) for planning the trip to come all the way out here, which lit this fire under our hineys. But the biggest THANK YOU goes to my Dear Husband and his Dad, who have been working even harder than me this weekend. : )

Now it is Friday.  Already?  The days are flying by, and I have so many things I want to tell you all, but just not enough time to sit down and write them all!  But last weekend, FIL came down for a long weekend (MIL stayed with her mom, who is now needing more caregiving) and he and DH did lots of stuff around here, that was great!  But the best part was that they helped move the big extension ladder for me around the front of the house, so that I PAINTED THE WHOLE FRONT OF THE HOUSE!  That's two coats on the wall, and two coats on all the divided lites of our huge windows.  I'll post pics as soon as I get good ones, after I scrape the windows for excess paint and touch up the trim around the windows and stoop.

And THAT'S NOT ALL, folks!  Last weekend and this week I have also finished painting the enclosed carport, have repainted the screen door, have done some necessary deep-cleaning inside the house, and have finished half of my necessary gardening!  All while having a school week, feeding and tending children, and spending hours on etsy planning Happy's upcoming birthday celebration!

Now tomorrow FIL will be back, because he and MIL so generously offered to bring down their motorhome for my family to stay in here in our driveway while they are visiting!  And while he is here, he will help with some more of the work we are trying to do around here. . . .  Again, all this stuff has been needing done for a loooooooooong time.  It's not like we can get everything done that needs doing before my family comes.  And it's not like the place still won't look like crap like a work in progress.  But it feels SO GOOD to get so much done!

So, I'll be working my butt off again this weekend, and you may not hear much from me.  I'll just keep blogging in my brain, and maybe one of these days will actually get to complete some of them!

Until next time, have a great weekend!

Unmarked Keys

One of my fellow blog Moms, Kari of Coffee Catharsis just wrote a very important piece that I want all of you who stop by here to read too.  In fact, her piece is so eloquent and so heart-altering that I am copying the whole thing here, just in case you might not click on the link and read it on her blog.  Kari and her husband have four older bio children and two younger adopted, nicknamed Java and Bean.  Java and Bean both have Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD), which means their fetal brains were damaged by alcohol, and so they don't process information the same way neuro-typical brains do.  FASD is not well known in our culture, and so it is hard for a parent like Kari to see her children struggle in a world that does not know how to be compassionate to what it does not understand. 

Unmarked Keys

I read one of the best descriptions of FASD recently. It was from a mom who belongs to an email list I am on. She has a son with FASD whose IQ tests at 120 but his functional / adaptive skills are at 60. She wrote...

He is a great library of knowledge with all the doors locked and the keys unmarked.

Yesterday morning, just as we were preparing to leave for church, Java had a "can't find the keys" moment. I had asked her to hurry up and finish her breakfast and I walked to the next room to find my purse. Suddenly Java screamed like she had just been attacked so I went to the doorway to see what had happened. I saw Java with a large blob of ketchup on her bottom lip and it was about to drip to her dress or the floor. (We often have leftover supper food for breakfast in case you're wondering about the ketchup thing.)

Her face showed sheer panic and her body was initially frozen but before I could say anything she started flapping her arms, and her wooden sandal, which had been on her right foot, came whizzing by my head.

Java has wiped her mouth with a napkin thousands of times in her lifetime. We, her parents, taught her that skill, thankyouverymuch. However, when she needed the information most, when she was most distraught about a situation involving food on her face, she couldn't find the key for the door in her brain where that information was locked!

(*Java and Bean were both casein exposed on Saturday because of my stupidity and I know that this negatively affects her brain's processing ability. I'll write more about that another time.)

What the world sees: a child without even basic table manners who reacts with violence.

What the world concludes: brat- created by poor parenting.

It is easy for parents of neuro-typical children who have organized, unlocked libraries in their brains to judge others in their hearts. I should know. I once prayed that Pharisee prayer for parents:

Lord, I thank thee that my children do not behave as those children do. I taught my children manners. I taught them to obey. I raised them up in the way they should go and now they are fine, upstanding little Christians.

It was only after I became a mother to other people's children, people who had struggles in life far beyond any I had ever faced and whose burdens I now helped carry, that I learned how to pray from my heart instead of my ego.

When you walk with children and in and among families who have endured generations of abuse, neglect, mental illness and substance use, it changes your heart. It changes everything.

You no longer have the answers that once seemed so simple.

So yesterday as we sat in church right after the shoe incident, I found myself praying for mercy as the broken, sinful Publican. My prayer didn't even have words because at that moment I was like my daughter...standing with the keys in my hands but no clue how to open that door. Thankfully my Savior opened it for me.

silhouette art--amazing!

The other day Epbot shared a post on the most fantastic paper cut art--you should check it out!  Following a link in that post led me to this gallery of silhouettes by artist Olly Moss. Absolutely amazing!  Look at these images, some of which are incredibly life-like, and see if you can tell who they are! 

How many did you get?

totally great day--and not pregnant to boot

The past, oh, four days did not go at all like I had planned.  Coming home from the Day of Love I had what felt like a migraine going on, and pretty much had to lay down immediately.  I seriously felt battered all over my body, and could not figure it out--I mean, sure I had been working for 7 hours straight, but it was being a gopher and folding clothes and chatting with women, not exactly digging ditches, you know?  I even woke up Sunday morning all achy still, and headachy.  But then (get ready for TMI) I realized I was starting my period.  That explained everything--the headaches, the fatigue.  And you see, I was on the pill for the past 2 years, and am just now coming off.  (It was never the ideal choice, but one that did its job while we have tried to figure out what our long-term solution will be, the discussion of which I will save for another post.)  But for this week it meant I was getting the first real period I've had for almost a year.  I was on the mini-pill while I was still nursing Smiley, so when I weaned him last August I got my period back with a vengeance, and had a couple of real strong months, which got me waxing poetic and all, until I went on the regular pill and stopped having them.  This means this was only my third or fourth period since before I conceived Smiley.  So I'm still unused to them--and this time it seemed to take forever to come, so I was  starting to be genuinely concerned that God had blessed us yet again, despite other precautions (yet again).  I even started to get stressed about it (confession--part of the nervous energy I wrote about two weeks ago) from just wanting to KNOW for heaven's sake, so I went and got pregnancy tests.  I went through two tests that week I was so stressed, getting negative readings, but not quite trusting them, but finally getting peace from God.  So now, here comes the real confirmation--not pregnant!  And along with it comes the reminder that we really do think we are done having kids, and really do need to prayerfully consider what we think God wants us to do long-term.

So, anyway, Sunday I stayed home from church since I was feeling so poorly so early in the day, and was glad I did, since the backache and cramps hit around noon.  Not as bad as in my youth, but I was so glad I could sit around in my pj's all morning with warm drinks.  The headache was coming back with a vengenance too, and seemed to get worse when I had some dark chocolate raisins with my tea (noooooooooo!).  Ugh--I know chocolate is not good for migraines, but that's only for other people, not me, you know, and it's not like I even know these dehabilitating headaches are actually migraines, you know, they could just be really, really bad normal headaches that aren't affected by chocolate at all, you know.  Sigh.  Well, I guess I'll just have to eat more dark chocolate to figure it out.  All scientific-like, you know.

So, ANYWAY, I basically did not get anything done here at home all weekend, and then Monday a friend from long ago (Susan, it was Treencee!) came to visit for a few hours, and then I could not believe it but after lunch I got all sucked into a really unimportant new thing I am doing on the computer (the discussion of which I will also save for another post) and then I left to go to a Soul Kitchen meeting at 6, so that was pretty much my day, completely unproductive around the house for no good reason.  Ok, I was still bleeding heavily, and was a little crampy and backachy and headachy, but I could have been productive.  I think I was just rebelling against my own better sense. 

But it meant I woke up this morning still tired, still a little achy and headachy, and feeling glum for so much work wanting to be accomplished and so many days just recently "wasted."  I even pretty much piddled away the morning at the computer (doing some necessary stuff, but also just looking around).  I was on my way to another wasted day, when--well, I honestly don't know what happened.  I had a headache, did not feel like doing anything, and was glum.  But I got off my butt and between noon and nine o'clock:

--washed, then windexed, then painted most of the large windows in the living room (the divided lites and around).  I know you still have not seen the photos, but two of these windows are 6 feet by 11 feet.  That's a lot of window.

--washed the children's bedding and remade the beds

--planted new flowers in all my hanging pots and in half of the outside pots

--watered my flower garden (by hand)

--did two loads of laundry

--made the children meals and bathed them and put them to bed (DH"s men's group tonight, so I was a single mom all day/evening)

--washed dishes (ok, I did not get all of them done, but a full dishdrain is still worth something)

But BEST OF ALL I managed to stop being irritable, as I have been for the past several days, and was patient and loving with my kids, and was the kind of mom I want to be!

Why did all this great stuff happen?  Two reasons.  One, the kids were AMAZING today, and ate their lunch outside, down on the lower deck, and then played happily and nicely in various parts of the yard and on the backdeck the rest of the day.  Smiley came to help me with the gardening in the front yard at about 5:00, but before then was happy and well cared for by his big sisters, while I painted inside.  Seriously wonderful!  What a gift.  And I made sure they knew how much I appreciated it.  (They have been fighting more this past week, I think the normal stuff that happens after guests leave, but yucky--and Smiley often gets left out because of his age, even when the girls think they are including him, which leads him to, oh, kicking down their carefully constructed block towers and grabbing the people from their playhouses, etc.  Some of which he was even doing this morning. Which is why his ability to get along and follow along with his sisters this afternoon was such a blessing--so much so that I did not even put him down for a nap, because he never got cranky!)

The second reason why it was such a good day--getting my focus back on God!  Because while I wrote about it the other day, that doesn't mean I have been good about doing it, esp. with lots of rationale for why I can let myself off the hook for not doing it, like constant headaches and cramps and PMS.  And let's not forget the bleeding.  Why the heck do I have to be nice to you right now, little girl, since as you stand there and sass me I am bleeding profusely?  If I was bleeding this much from my arm you would not think about talking to me this way!  Yeah, I know--time to suck it up and be the Mom.  And you know what?  Even with the headache today and all the other stuff, I was at peace, and still got a lot done.  And it seemed to be just because I stopped focusing on myself (and my to do list) and focused on God and just started moving. 

Hmmmmm.  Despite whatever is going on in any day, maybe that really is the magic formula for things working out well:  turn towards God and start moving. 

today's very worthwhile read

"Destiny itself is like a wonderful wide tapestry in which every thread is guided by an unspeakably tender hand, placed beside another thread and held and carried by a hundred others."-Rilke

If any of you are looking for a beautiful story to make your Sunday complete, please go visit this blog and read the post entitled "Tapestry."  Be sure to read all the links as you come to them--they perfectly interject pieces of the story necessary to understand the fullness of its overall arc.  The post was written by the family who led their friends to find Vanya.  It blessed me so much this morning!

To quote the mom author of that blog, "I can't wait to tell this story- it is redemptive, poetic, glorious, and amazing! And I am humbled and honored to be a part of it!"  Her words, which I shared just because they were so true (and so cute).  But I just realized they could be my words too--me sharing with you here, and me being thrilled to be part of the bigger story, because I was one of many who prayed and gave a little bit towards the efforts that would help Vanya's new family to bring him home.  Did any of you give, or pray?  If so, then you are part of the story too.

And so the tapestry is woven, ever more beautiful with more and more threads. . . .

where i was today

I spent the day loving on women who needed some!  You can read a snippet about it here, or hopefully some of the amazing photographers who were there providing services for the women and their families will post some photos that actually do the event justice.  I was there working for seven hours straight (as so many others were too), as I spent one shift on the hospitality team and one shift in the boutique.  I'll say more if I get good photos, so you can see what a special event it was.  But I came home feeling like I had been hit by a truck, and am too tired to put it all into words just now. : )

(the link goes to the blog of one of our pastors, who also happens to be the husband of my dear Becky)

 I hope you all lived some loving today!

the Spirit in me, Pt.1

I was going to try to squeeze in last weekend's wrap-up before this weekend, but it looks like it's not gonna happen.  At least not all the way--so, here's part 1!  Oh, and I am trying to finish this while fending off a migraine, so please forgive any writing mistakes, and if I am incoherent in any part, you are welcome to gently question/correct me in the comments, ok?

Some of you were wondering how last weekend went, what with the in-laws' coming to visit for 4 days.  Actually, it was really good!  I mean, there was still some negativity, but it was sprinkled throughout the weekend instead of one incessant flow.  And both MIL and I made clear efforts to be gentle and understanding with one another--not perfect, but moving forward, which is so, so good.  There were several things that contributed to our "successful" weekend, but in this post I'll just focus on one.  Get ready for lots of God-talk.

I mentioned a few weeks back that I have been leading a discussion group Monday nights for our latest SoulFood Bible study, on the Holy Spirit.  It was written by women in our church community, and when Shelley, our Soul Kitchen (women's ministry) leader told us the idea, and that she felt God prompting us to do this, we were all excited, feeling like this is going to be good.  God's gonna show up, and we're gonna grow in ways we have been longing for.  Well, I know I was really sensing God wanting to work in me, and I was ready--have been feeling at a spiritual plateau for a little while, and have been ready to accept whatever He wanted to show me next.  But week after week of the study, the learning and discussing were really good, and yet. . . lots of little neat insights and important ideas, but no big revelations, nothing that grabbed my heart like God telling me blessed, this is for you.  This is what I want you to know.  Hear it, absorb it, live it out, and you will be that much closer to the woman you want to be, the woman I have created you to be.  Yeah, I didn't expect much, did I?  

Well, maybe it was good that over the weeks of the study I started longing for revelation, desiring it, asking Him for it.  Maybe that's what it took for my ears to be able to really hear it and my heart to be ready to receive it.  The week before this one--that's right, the same week I would be spending all that concentrated time with my MIL--He finally gave it to me. 
If you are ever going to spend any time studying the Holy Spirit--who is one Person (or aspect, or role, if that is helpful) of God--you will definitely end up hearing about what Christians usually call the "Fruits of the Spirit"--those qualities that are manifest in us when we are in tune with God's Spirit living in us:  But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.  --the Apostle Paul's letter to the Galatians 5:22-23a 

This is how it reads in the New International version.  God's been working on me through this verse for a while now; the most memorable insight to date happened when I read this verse in the New American Standard version, which is more of a literal word-by-word translation of the Hebrew/Greek, and patience became long-suffering.  Oh, boy, as a mom, that re-defined word gave me an instant and much-needed mental picture of what it would mean to be patient with my kids!  So now two weeks ago, He showed me two more things.  First, I noticed that the list of fruits is not plural--the fruit is, not the fruits are.  This changes the meaning subtly, in a really encouraging way, because if the fruit is singular, then it all comes together, like a package you get in the mail.  You can't not get one or more of them--it's not like the Holy Spirit gives you an incomplete order.  You get all of it, which means even if you don't feel like you have one or more of those, the truth is you do. 

But not because of anything you can do about it--that package is a gift, sent by God the Father because of Jesus.  In fact, nothing in that package is about us, but everything about God.  Notice that all the words in that list are nouns--not adjectives and verbs, like in the "love chapter."  This was the second little revelation--that the things in that list are not actions, but attributes.  They don't describe what I am supposed to be doing, they describe God and the fullness of His love and mercy for us.  It's not about who I am and what I am doing, it is about who God is and what He has been doing since way before I came into the picture.  

When Jesus was walking around on earth, his disciples followed him everywhere he went.  But they could be (and were) sometimes separated from him, since he was physically one man, purposefully self-limited to what a man can do.  Before he left earth, he tried to convince his disciples that it would be so much better when he was gone, because then God the Father would send His Spirit to dwell in each and every one of them.  Then they could never, ever be separated from Him. 

Flash forward 2000 years and now here I--me, blessed!--have the Spirit of God alive and active in me, because of Jesus.  And what does the Sprit do in me?  If I let him, he produces his fruit.  If I am keeping myself aware of him, surendering to Him, following His lead, trusting in His guidance and provision, then he uses me as his instrument of grace in this world.  Not only am I blessed, but I become a blessing.  

So now I'm getting to the Big Revelation from two Mondays ago:  the hardest part about my earlier (mis)understanding of the fruit(s) of the Spirit was that the beautiful list in that verse--love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control--became like a spiritual to-do list, that I had to try to accomplish daily.  And while I might be able to check off some of them one day, I will never be "good" enough to check them all off, so that list in my mind ended up being like an eternal scorecard of failure, like an official notice of condemnation perpetually hanging over me in the stocks:  she is a fraud, claiming to be a daughter of the King. when she clearly bears him no likeness. she is unworthy of anything but scorn.  What was it Princess Buttercup dreamed she was being called by that old hag?  That's right, bow to the Princess of Filth, the Princess of Putrescence! Booooooo!  Booooooo!  

And that's actually pretty close to the sound of the ugly, sneering voice in my head when I screw up over and over again, when I lose my patience with my kids again, when I am living with no sense of joy again, when I am allowing myself to be uncontrolled again.  So that's why, in Shelley's talk that second-to-last night, the ideas she shared made my head spin. 
She said the fruits of the Spirit are not something I have to do.  The fruit is not ours to grow.  It is the Holy Spirit's fruit--He grows it.  It's his job and his alone.  Our job is to hand ourselves over--to keep engaging, to keep surrendering, to keep following.  This means our focus should not be the fruit--our focus should be the Spirit!

In other words, get my focus off what I am doing (or not doing!) and put it on God.  And guess what? 

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. --Matthew 6:33

Much more processing to come!  I hope you will join me for the second part, in which I tie this all back in to me and MIL this past weekend.

Until then, I hope you all have a great start to this weekend!