the Spirit in me, Pt.1

I was going to try to squeeze in last weekend's wrap-up before this weekend, but it looks like it's not gonna happen.  At least not all the way--so, here's part 1!  Oh, and I am trying to finish this while fending off a migraine, so please forgive any writing mistakes, and if I am incoherent in any part, you are welcome to gently question/correct me in the comments, ok?

Some of you were wondering how last weekend went, what with the in-laws' coming to visit for 4 days.  Actually, it was really good!  I mean, there was still some negativity, but it was sprinkled throughout the weekend instead of one incessant flow.  And both MIL and I made clear efforts to be gentle and understanding with one another--not perfect, but moving forward, which is so, so good.  There were several things that contributed to our "successful" weekend, but in this post I'll just focus on one.  Get ready for lots of God-talk.

I mentioned a few weeks back that I have been leading a discussion group Monday nights for our latest SoulFood Bible study, on the Holy Spirit.  It was written by women in our church community, and when Shelley, our Soul Kitchen (women's ministry) leader told us the idea, and that she felt God prompting us to do this, we were all excited, feeling like this is going to be good.  God's gonna show up, and we're gonna grow in ways we have been longing for.  Well, I know I was really sensing God wanting to work in me, and I was ready--have been feeling at a spiritual plateau for a little while, and have been ready to accept whatever He wanted to show me next.  But week after week of the study, the learning and discussing were really good, and yet. . . lots of little neat insights and important ideas, but no big revelations, nothing that grabbed my heart like God telling me blessed, this is for you.  This is what I want you to know.  Hear it, absorb it, live it out, and you will be that much closer to the woman you want to be, the woman I have created you to be.  Yeah, I didn't expect much, did I?  

Well, maybe it was good that over the weeks of the study I started longing for revelation, desiring it, asking Him for it.  Maybe that's what it took for my ears to be able to really hear it and my heart to be ready to receive it.  The week before this one--that's right, the same week I would be spending all that concentrated time with my MIL--He finally gave it to me. 
If you are ever going to spend any time studying the Holy Spirit--who is one Person (or aspect, or role, if that is helpful) of God--you will definitely end up hearing about what Christians usually call the "Fruits of the Spirit"--those qualities that are manifest in us when we are in tune with God's Spirit living in us:  But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.  --the Apostle Paul's letter to the Galatians 5:22-23a 

This is how it reads in the New International version.  God's been working on me through this verse for a while now; the most memorable insight to date happened when I read this verse in the New American Standard version, which is more of a literal word-by-word translation of the Hebrew/Greek, and patience became long-suffering.  Oh, boy, as a mom, that re-defined word gave me an instant and much-needed mental picture of what it would mean to be patient with my kids!  So now two weeks ago, He showed me two more things.  First, I noticed that the list of fruits is not plural--the fruit is, not the fruits are.  This changes the meaning subtly, in a really encouraging way, because if the fruit is singular, then it all comes together, like a package you get in the mail.  You can't not get one or more of them--it's not like the Holy Spirit gives you an incomplete order.  You get all of it, which means even if you don't feel like you have one or more of those, the truth is you do. 

But not because of anything you can do about it--that package is a gift, sent by God the Father because of Jesus.  In fact, nothing in that package is about us, but everything about God.  Notice that all the words in that list are nouns--not adjectives and verbs, like in the "love chapter."  This was the second little revelation--that the things in that list are not actions, but attributes.  They don't describe what I am supposed to be doing, they describe God and the fullness of His love and mercy for us.  It's not about who I am and what I am doing, it is about who God is and what He has been doing since way before I came into the picture.  

When Jesus was walking around on earth, his disciples followed him everywhere he went.  But they could be (and were) sometimes separated from him, since he was physically one man, purposefully self-limited to what a man can do.  Before he left earth, he tried to convince his disciples that it would be so much better when he was gone, because then God the Father would send His Spirit to dwell in each and every one of them.  Then they could never, ever be separated from Him. 

Flash forward 2000 years and now here I--me, blessed!--have the Spirit of God alive and active in me, because of Jesus.  And what does the Sprit do in me?  If I let him, he produces his fruit.  If I am keeping myself aware of him, surendering to Him, following His lead, trusting in His guidance and provision, then he uses me as his instrument of grace in this world.  Not only am I blessed, but I become a blessing.  

So now I'm getting to the Big Revelation from two Mondays ago:  the hardest part about my earlier (mis)understanding of the fruit(s) of the Spirit was that the beautiful list in that verse--love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control--became like a spiritual to-do list, that I had to try to accomplish daily.  And while I might be able to check off some of them one day, I will never be "good" enough to check them all off, so that list in my mind ended up being like an eternal scorecard of failure, like an official notice of condemnation perpetually hanging over me in the stocks:  she is a fraud, claiming to be a daughter of the King. when she clearly bears him no likeness. she is unworthy of anything but scorn.  What was it Princess Buttercup dreamed she was being called by that old hag?  That's right, bow to the Princess of Filth, the Princess of Putrescence! Booooooo!  Booooooo!  

And that's actually pretty close to the sound of the ugly, sneering voice in my head when I screw up over and over again, when I lose my patience with my kids again, when I am living with no sense of joy again, when I am allowing myself to be uncontrolled again.  So that's why, in Shelley's talk that second-to-last night, the ideas she shared made my head spin. 
She said the fruits of the Spirit are not something I have to do.  The fruit is not ours to grow.  It is the Holy Spirit's fruit--He grows it.  It's his job and his alone.  Our job is to hand ourselves over--to keep engaging, to keep surrendering, to keep following.  This means our focus should not be the fruit--our focus should be the Spirit!

In other words, get my focus off what I am doing (or not doing!) and put it on God.  And guess what? 

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. --Matthew 6:33

Much more processing to come!  I hope you will join me for the second part, in which I tie this all back in to me and MIL this past weekend.

Until then, I hope you all have a great start to this weekend!