oh blessed day, Pt. 2

Hello anyone still out there!  Below is what I was writing almost a month ago when life slipped suddenly into All Awry mode, and then refused to be budged.  I can't believe how much time has passed since I was last blogging regularly--the longest I have gone without blogging when it was not Lent!  When I have had the time and brain power to write, I have had absolutely no urge. You wanna know something else scary?  Tea has not been tasting good, for about the same length of time.  Something is definitely strange around here!  I can't get enough chocolate, though, which is good, or I might be worried about the sky falling.  But which is also bad, for all the reasons you can imagine.

So, just in case anyone was wondering, I am find, but life has been crazy, I mean CRAZY, and all kinds of things seem to go wrong everyday. Fortunately not BIG going-wrong things, just the seeming endless parade of minor awrys that  raise the stress level around here and make me feel like a failure.  And in compensation, I retreated interpersonally.  A kind of survival instinct kicking in, I guess. 

But really, ALL IS WELL with us.  Not so well for other people in our lives, so that is all the more reason for me to focus on our blessings, and do my best to strive for full, healthy living, no matter what life throws in my path in any given day.

What I started to write weeks ago is still relevant to my life at the moment, so I'm going to still post it.  But I am giving myself the freedom to not finish it, or even edit it.  Consider it a snapshot of life around here! : )  

I started to write the other day about a day that went all awry--and sadly, it went from a wrecky day to a wrecky week.  To show you what I mean, here is how Tuesday began:

--clearly the day must have started to go askew much sooner, but I did not realize it until about 10:15 this morning, at which time we had to rush out the door for martial arts class, and then:

--we would have been so late to the class that I decided it was not worth going

--but I had an errand I had to run only two blocks away from the building where they take the class. So even though I knew before we left town that we were not going to make it, I still had to drive all the way over (about 15 min. on the highway) which felt like a waste of gas and time.

--only to get a call from a friend whose kids also are in the class, telling me the instructor was way late today (which means we could have gone after all)

--So I went ahead, did my errand, and then drove over to our chuch, which is nearby, because I needed to see if I had left some homeschool books there that I had promised to a friend, who called yesterday saying she was really interested in using them now. I could not find the books, and don't know where they are.

--So I told the girls to go ahead and change out of their martial arts clothes and put on their water play clothes, which we had brought because after class we were to drive to a local State Park to play at a river with other homeschool friends.

--And we realized we had left all the swimsuits, shorts and tshirts at home.

--So we went ahead to the river, and the girls played in the river anyway.

--I hope the dirt comes out of Sunny's white martial arts t-shirt.

[editors note: it didn't]
This list is not all of the things that went wrong today--oh, no, just a taste, from one two-hour chunk of the day.

Oh, and when we were at the river, I realized that this past Saturday was DH's and my 15 year wedding anniversary. I totally forgot. I don't think DH did, looking back. I'll have to write about this later, after I stop kicking myself in the arse.

This day was so frustrating, overall. I really truly thought this would be a good day. But it somehow all quickly spiraled out of control. And maybe the root of it was me. Well, ok, that is pretty clear--even thought I thought I was managing time and children and stuff well, I clearly was not. But what I mean is, I think the root was my own sinful self. I think I have shifted back into another yucky heart place. I yelled at the kids several times, in my meanest voice. I think some of the chaos we are seeing is the result of me being too lazy and procrastinating too much (three periods in 23 days is a grand excuse for sitting too much, let me tell you) in the past couple of weeks. I even realized yesteday that I have the beginning of a PILE starting in my living room!!! I think things have started to slip in all areas of my life, and I am now starting to feel it, which pretty much sums up where I am today.

It makes me think of Paul writing to the Romans, and confessing, "For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing. . . . What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?" You can almost hear the exasperation and frustration in his voice. This is exactly what I am living today, this feeling that there is nothing inherently good in me, that in my true nature I am a wretched creature who inadvertently crushes what she tries to create, like a paper sculpture in the hands of an enthusiastic three-year-old.

And that, actually, is pretty much a good mental picture. I am but a child in my spirit, who is learning--frustratingly slow, at times--to do and respond with gentleness and care and flawless execution.

So, I guess, like I would a child, I should be a little easier on myself. Certainly there are times--at my most toddlerish--when I have felt so much benevolence and compassion from my heavenly Father. He does not condemn me. In fact, that is exactly the hopeful conclusion of Paul: "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death."


Which does not mean I can allow myself to dwell in spiritual toddlerhood--and indeed, too many times recently I have lamented "WHEN am I going to be a grown-up?!"  But basically I need to make sure I am myself heeding all the lessons I am trying to instill in the kids:

--No fussing or bossing
--Speak with love; at the very least, be polite
--Use your words and actions to build up one another, not using them to tear one another down
--Focus
--Have patience
--Accept the consequences you have earned
--Choose wisely

And there are many more--these are just the ones I need to have in my heart at this moment! ; )

My dear readers, those of you who are still stopping by, thanks.  Sometime when it is convenient, please do consider leaving a comment to some post, just to encourage me out of my anti-social funk!