Blessing of the Week: Friendships IRL

My dear husband is the BIG FOUR OH today!

And his mom just emailed me the cutest photo of the day he was born:

I love photos of our moms when they are so young, so fresh-faced. I can imagine the kinds of hopes and dreams they may have had for their babies--before those cute babies grew up into people, who would bring them happiness but also disappointment, grandbabies but also hurt.

Those of you who know our story can imagine that I am always fascinated by photos of my mother-in-law when she was a young mother, when she was in the same life-phase that I am now. I tend to think if we were mothers at the same time that we would not have naturally gravitated towards each other, that we would not easily have been friends. But knowing what I do now--that she has never experienced the depth of bond between sister-friends, that she resists opening up to others and making herself vulnerable in relationship, that her friend-love well has long been empty--I think I would want to be her friend. To encourage her, and support her. To be what all young moms need--someone who can commisserate and validate, but then lift up and bless. Someone who you can admit your failures (or perceived failures) to and not risk being judged by. Someone who will let you know you are not crazy for your feelings and frustrations as a mother/wife, and maybe even gently bring you back to Truth when you are momentarily mired in self-pity.

A blog I follow had a conversation about female friendships a while back--specifically about women who did not have female friends and wished they did. Some had moved to a new area and did not know anyone, some were newly married and their friendships were in transition. All said the same thing--that it was really hard to meet women, and especially women who you share certain life-views with, who you "fit" with. I was so amazed at the candor of the women who posted their brief stories, admitting their vulnerability and lack of friendships. They all wished they had just one good friend. And they were all grateful for the virtual friendships they were finding online, on blogs and in forums of like-minded people, as these virtual relationships help them feel connected with other women and sustain them until they find friends "IRL."

Me and "best friends" Susan and Mina

Reading their comments, I was also completely humbled. In the area of female friendships, I am truly blessed. I have never lacked for good friends. In high school I had three "best friends," all of whom I am still connected with, even if just by facebook. ; ). In college I lived with various combinations of the same six women, also still connected (fb). This past summer when I went back to visit my parents in IL, two of these women were able to come down from Michigan to see me, and we stayed up until something like 3 in the morning enjoying one another like it was college again.

Me with college "suitemates" Jackie and Dawn this past summer--the morning after (babies don't let you sleep in)

As a young married living in a new state, I had the amazing blessing of one of my "best friends" and her husband moving from VA to our town in CO, and we had the joy of face-to-face friendship again, and the even greater joy of having our first babies 6 months apart. As a young mom, I had an amazing circle of women to share the mommy adventure with, all of whom were in the same phase of life and who supported each other with child swaps and park dates and new-baby-casseroles--my first "village." And I had an amazing, slightly older wise and Godly woman as a friend and mentor. My life was brimming with life-giving female relationships.

When we had to leave Colorado and move to California, I was of course truly sad to be leaving all of this behind. I was not worried about losing those friendships--those that were strong would survive the distance, those that were not would become fond memories. God brings people in and out of our lives in seasons; we should embrace the season and all its goodness, but not expect more of it than was intended, or try to hold onto it past its time. So when we had to move, I was mourning the anticipated loss of my day-to-day interactions with friends, the loss of my village. Even then I knew how rare that all was, how fortunate I was, and I knew I would never have it that good again.

And then, one day before the move, God spoke to me. Seriously, this was one of the times in my life when an idea formed in my mind so specific, so clear, it was as if He had quietly spoken into my ear. And He said that He would give me even better friends out in California than I was leaving behind.

Woah. I could not conceive how this could be true. Esp. how could he replace the "BFF"?! but because the words had been spoken so clearly, I believed them.

I don't have enough time now to go into the details of how he first delived on that promise--that is another amazing story I will save for another post. But I will say now that He is so faithful that He started me on the path to one of the most amazing friendships I have ever known before I had even left Colorado. Before I took one step away from all my female friends, He was already making good on his promise.

Fast forward seven years (WHAT? Wow--it feels like two, three tops!): BFF is even more precious to me, if that is possible, and I cherish the time we ocassionally have together. There are many women there in CO I still call friends, because when I see them, it is like we have never been apart.

The parts of the village I miss most: Susan, Linda and Tonya, when I saw them this past summer.

But God made good on His promise, and has blessed me with more friends IRL--more good friends--than I left behind in Colorado.

Esp. Sara, Becky, Rosa, Cathy--the four clustered on my R and L in this photo, from the baby shower they gave me for Smiley--relationships that are not just life-giving but life support!

In particular, I have been blessed with true sister-friends, amazing women of spiritual and personal depth, who seek to live lives of creativity and integrity, and bless everyone around them with their being. Women who inspire me to be better than I usually am. Women who are so awesome I never would have expected them to like me, let alone want to be my good friend.

No one can replace BFF in my heart, or take the place of any of the wonderful women I have known as friends over the years. But they are not supposed to--they are meant to just be what they are, an enormous blessing directly from the hand of the God who knows, who cares, who loves and provides.

One time a few years back, when I had been listening to criticism from my MIL too much, letting it infiltrate my thinking and affecting my feelings of self-worth, God used these friendships to teach me a couple of things about myself, and my MIL. I realized, one day when my head was full of lies and I was being really down on myself, thinking what a terrible person I was, that--wait a minute!--if a woman as awesome as Becky likes me, I can't be all these terrible things! She would NOT be my friend if I was truly such an ugly, worthless person! I realized the depth and beauty of my relationships with other women were a sign of my own depth and beauty. That there was much to be valued in me.

And along with this revelation was newfound understanding of how Good God is, and how much He values me--enough to bless me so overwhelmingly with loving female friendship.

And through the same revelation, I realized that my MIL has never experienced this kind of sister-friend love, that exists not because of blood ties or duty or nostalgia for the good times now past but because of an inexplicable bond between women who then recognize and bring out to its fullest the best of each other. And since that realization, I have much more compassion for my MIL. I believe that God has chosen me to be her friend; that He will grow and mature us both in relationship with one another; that one day way in the future, she will look back over the course of our lives and see that I was there for her, not because I had to be, but because I wanted to be.

As a new mother, spent but joyous, her precious baby boy cradled in her arms, my MIL has an innocence and vulnerability to her in that photo above--and yet she still seems guarded. I hope someday she will let down her guard with me, and find me worthy of her trust, her friendship.

In the meantime, I wrote all this partly just because I have been wanting to for a long time (I'm all about celebrating my blessings!) and partly because I want to send some lovin' to these women I have mentioned (you all know who you are! I love you!). And partly in the hopes that this might be an encouragement to women who are currently without friends IRL--don't give up hoping! And partly as a little gift for my husband, my only non-female good friend, ; ) on his birthday--as I will never forsake you, so I will never forsake the relationship with your mom with which God has entrusted me.

**UPDATE: After I posted this, something was nagging me in the back of my brain. . . I could not quite pin down what about this post was somehow. . . wrong. Until just now, doing dishes, it struck me--I make it sound in this post like I am (or want to be) literally God's gift to my MIL. LOL! Those of you who are my friends IRL know that I am by no means the best person to have as a friend. I am forgetful, selfish, neglectful, prone to all kinds of interpersonal failures. Our friendship says WAY more about you (and namely your patience, perseverence, forgiveness!) than it does about me. THAT is why I am truly so thankful for you--I don't deserve any of you. BUT there are obviously good qualities to me too, and those must be what God wants to use for whatever His purposes are with my MIL. My job is just to keep showing up. ; )