pondering stuff

Oh, if you needed a good happy cry this morning, please go read this post by Julia. 

And then go read this update by Lorraine.

I cannot think of better "stories" to read than real-life stories of people saying "yes" wholeheartedly to love.  And I cannot think of a better way to start my day than seeing the happy faces of children who will no longer be cast-offs: unloved, unwanted, unworthy.  Their lives will be forever changed for the better--and so will be the lives of their new families.  And to see a little boy who is sick, but learning even in the midst of it that he is loved, that he is protected--oh, so wonderful.

.   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .

On my own home front, I am feeling a tad overwhelmed.  In a good way.  Well, in a "still managing to tread with my head barely above the water" kind of way.  It's all of my own doing--just too many things that I want to do that my perfectionist side won't let me do differently than the most involved way.  And my Dear Husband feels the same as I do, which is the clincher, and so I need to make time for these various projects.  Like selling old clothes on eBay--good stuff of the few brands I buy for the kids that have good resale value.  Hanna Andersson, Oilily, Matilda Jane.  Most old clothes I donate to Goodwill or freecycle, depending upon their condition, but last time I went through the closet and sold the clothes of these brands on eBay, I made $300!  Not bad considering I bought them all on eBay at great prices to begin with, they were usually worn by all three girls, and then I sold them again.  So, it seems like a worthwhile investment of some time--and I would likely be done with the project now, except for our camera breaking this past summer and my husband getting a new, fancier camera that now I have to learn how to use!  So have to figure out how to use the camera.  Then steam all the clothes so they are ready to be  photographed. Then lay them out and photograph them.  Then upload those photos to the computer, resize them, and upload them to eBay.  Make the listings for each item of clothing, with detailed descriptions.  Keep the clothing items sorted neatly so they are ready to be sent out when they are bought.  Then actually do the packaging, labeling and mailing (good thing at least the post office is right down the street from me).  Whew!  That's a lot of work. . . would be so much simpler to give them to Goodwill and list them for a tax write off. . . but that's also a good chunk of money, more than we would get for the write-off. . . So here the school year is beginning, people are buying their kids clothes now, if I'm going to tell them, as both DH and I want me to do, I must get them listed quickly for ideal bidding prices. . . .

Or the bedroom lighting fixture which I need to finish researching so we can order it.  I realize most people would just run down to their local big-box store for a light, or at best go to a local lighting store.  But DH and I can't do that. First of all, we try to be really careful to get well-made stuff--we have no tolerance for crap.  Zero.  If we're going to spend money on it, it's going to work well and last a long time.  Second, we try to be really careful in choosing beautiful things for our home--things that will help elevate it from "shack" to "cottage."  There were el crappo h*me dep*t lights in here when we moved in, and they really looked horrible.  We are slowly replacing them, with things that not only hold up better to lots of use, but which improve the look of our house. The bedroom one was the most decent of any of them, but with the faux ceiling down we can't hang that style of light back up, so need something different.  Well, we figure if we are going to buy a fixture, get one we actually like.  Makes sense, right?  But then there are so many things to consider as I search:  do we want another ceiling light or try wall sconces, the right mounting and how we will hide the wires, what is a safe design for a small children's room with a low ceiling, can we use energy efficent bulbs with that design, what light will complement the overall room, where can I get the light for the best price online, etc. 

So, those are just a few examples of the good, fun projects that should benefit our family, and which DH and I want to do "the right way."  Not really big deals in themselves--but they are just two examples of many things I feel like I need to get done, and as soon as possible.

But then real life is getting in the way!  Our charter school officially started up on Monday, so we're supposed to be jumping into school.  I spent all day yesterday trying to sort out the calendar for the next two months, and being appalled at how quickly days, weeks, weekends are filling up!  I'll spend most of today doing the same kind of thing, and finishing the mountain of dirty clothes and bedding from our camping trip this past weekend.  And this week we have been trying to get in as many martial arts classes as possible for today's testing, and we have been trying to see the friends we have not seen all summer which is so fun but does take a huge chunk of time out of the week. Oh, and I would love to blog about all KINDS of stuff, but seem to only have about 15 minutes in the morning to do it, and sometimes that is even hijacked by kids' needs!

I am NOT complaining--not with the whole first world problems post still fresh in my mind, and with the daily blog-reading reminder of what's REAL and what matters, children suffering, people listening for God's call and then whole-heartedly and joyfully saying yes to being servants of Love--I am instead feeling so aware that here as I start a new school year I need to weigh these kinds of things as God would.  It's not wrong to spend time listing clothes on eBay--and maybe it's the right thing to do, to be a good steward of our material blessings.  It's not wrong to spend time finding the light fixture that will meet our needs best and be even beautiful as well as utilitarian--and maybe it's also being wise with our home improvements.  But then again, I need to manage my time and energy as God-given resources too. 

What does God want my days to look like?  When I spend too much time and effort on things that--in God's big picture--don't really matter, what does that tell me about where my values lie?  Since my husband wants me to do these things too, I am honoring him when I do them, so that's something of which God will approve.  But knowing a wife is an influence on her husband, how am I subtly encouraging our (marital, life) focus to be on things that untimately don't matter much?  How much harder is it for me to be the best mommy I can be when I am immersing myself in what I tell myself are time-sensitive projects and then get short-tempered with the kids for constantly interrupting them?  (please tell me I'm not the only one who struggles with this)  How do projects like these keep me from being the best mommy, the best home-maker, the best homeschool teacher, the best wife, the best steward? 

Feeling like I am putting regular demands on hold for a short time is ok, for good reason--but when this becomes the pattern of my days. . . !  Yet this too easily happens to me, and has been happening a lot since our bit roadtrip, as I get into huge purging  modes, or house projects. . . .

OK, those are my thoughts for this morning.  My kids have also been a MESS emotionally since the weekend camping trip.  Just when I think I am denying them the fullness of childhood by being too much of a homebody and focusing too much on school and homelife. . . we go and give them fantastic experiences, which they love, but which they seem to have trouble recovering from.  It just makes my job as a mom so much harder!  Esp. after a weekend like this past one, where I spent days getting ready for the camping, and then am spending days cleaning up the mess from it and getting everything back where it belongs.  Honestly, it makes me never want to go anywhere.  And this week, when I went out of my way to schedule playdates and fun things to make the most of this last week of summer (I love homeschooling--how else could the first official week of school be the last official week of summer?), I keep grinding my teeth at the irony of how much "reward" they are getting over and over for so much terrible behavior.  (I know, that's not the right way to look at it, but that's the way I feel about it--normally if they can't control themselves I don't let them have a playdate, for obvious reasons, but the playdates this week I set up with the specific purpose of reminding our friends that we love them and are thankful for them, so I did not want to cancel them--that would be the opposite of showing our friends how much we value them!)

Hmmmm. You know, writing this all out has really helped me get Perspective.  My children clearly are in a needy place.  My job is to patiently and lovingly guide them through this needy place back into a place of wellness, whatever that looks like.  And since I don't actually know what that is, specifically (I was trying to come up with a word to describe the psychological and emotional state I want them to be in, but was stumped. Peace? Contentment? Unity?  Confidence? Self-control?  I need a good term for this state, because it encompasses all these things, and more), I won't be able to guide my kids directly there, but I can at least walk along side them and keep them from falling into potholes.

So, I guess they are once again my main and most important project for today, for this week. (Maybe for this month! Sigh.)  But it is good to mentally realize that, and to let that knowledge settle in my spirit.  It IS productive if I am *just* a good mommy today.  It IS the right thing to have at the top of my daily "to-do" list.

Well, after blogging my parental and life wisdom angst that is.  Because clearly I needed to blog this morning to get the ideas processed!