Christmas From Then Til Now

It was really interesting, and not a little bit sad to go back and find the posts I have made on this blog over the years about our Christmases with DH's parents.  After that one fateful Christmas in 2004, we would be reminded every so often of our Rejection of The Gifts, etc. But it was 2009 when MIL first declared that Christmas had been officially Ruined Forever because of our past hurtful behavior (interestingly, at the 5 year anniversary mark of the fateful year). And since then basically the holidays are a hard time for MIL, and therefore for the rest of us too.

Don't get me wrong--we have had good times at Christmas too. Often MIL would bring up the past hurts right before Christmas, and then I would ask her if we could defer the conversation until after Christmas, and she would, and we would have a nice holiday together (not without tension, but without major conflict).  Then we would never really talk about it again until she brought it up again at the next Christmas. One year I wrote letters to her in response, which I hoped would help us work through it--and actually, that turned out to be a fine year, at least according to my record in this blog. ; )  I re-read just now that a lot of you were praying for us too--thank you so much, and anyone who feels led to pray again this year please do!

When I started writing this post, I think it was good for me to remember that, and to go back and read this post which I originally wrote in response to MIL's first declaration of Christmas Ruined Forever.  The way things are going so far this year, it is good to remember what is true even now.

Some Truth:

--We have never purposefully tried to make MIL mad or hurt.

--MIL is going to feel the way she is going to feel, and we are ultimately not responsible for that.

--It is wrong for things to be more important than people.  MIL would completely agree with this, and argue that when we rejected her gifts and therefore rejected her, we were making things more important than her. There is some truth to this, for which I am sorry. But now we have the ongoing problem of those past things and now every year's new things adding to the burden of resentment--because it seems that every Christmas gift MIL gives us is tainted in her mind by how we have rejected her in the past, and how we don't deserve any gifts from her in the future. (That last is true too--DH and I don't deserve gifts from her, and at this point I really wish she would not get us any.)

--We are responsible for our actions being unloving and unwise that one Fateful Christmas. We did probably ruin that particular Christmas for MIL, by our misunderstandings, ignorance, naivety, and selfishness. OK, so we were jerks. But we didn't do it on purpose.  It was all on accident.

--MIL is responsible for her decision to hold onto the bad feelings and not forgive us. In fact, who is more responsible at this point for ten years worth of ruined Christmases?  We acted that first year accidentally, without intent to harm. MIL has acted the past 9 years purposefully, seemingly with intent to harm.

--The only thing we can do at this point to make things right is apologize. Again.  There is nothing else we can do.
 
.   .   .   .   .   .   .

So, a few weeks back, while we were in Chico for Thanksgiving, I'm the one who accidentally opened the big old can of worms. It was really funny to look back and realize I had inadvertently asked for it. Because it was the night before our last day there, and we had not finalized our Christmas plans with them, so I urged DH to initiate conversation with his parents about when we would be coming up to visit for Christmas, etc. We thought it would be loving, to show them we were looking forward to being with them again, and for that special holiday. But somehow, a few minutes into the conversation, MIL turned the conversation towards gift giving, and then announced again that buying presents is torture for her because of our past rejections, so I should just put the items we want into an amazon cart and she would pay for them.

Startled, I immediately said, "Um, no, I'm not going to do that."
MIL countered, "Why not?"
I said, "Well, that didn't turn out well last year."
MIL challenged, "What do you mean?"
And then DH and I just looked at each other helplessly, me thinking, "Is she really wanting to go there?!"

I'm not sure I mentioned this before. But see, last year before Christmas MIL asked for wish lists, but she was going to be visiting her daughter in CO and so didn't have much time to shop. So she told me to just look for things on amazon.com.  I had the idea of setting up a Christmas wish list there, so that MIL could do her "shopping" from CO at her leisure and have the presents sent directly to our house.  But instead what happened was this: I put too many things on the list, trying to give MIL options she could choose from for the kids, but then I think MIL thought I was being greedy, and then she bought almost all of the things!  Also, she and I were emailing back and forth talking about the gifts and I thought this was a positive thing--that we were communicating well, and shopping "together," even if virtually. But then when the lists were made, MIL abruptly said she didn't have time for looking through the list and since it was so sad for her to buy presents for us because of The Year We Forever Ruined Christmas, she just wanted me to put the things into her amazon cart and she would pay for them.  Ugh!  No, I could not do it!  It was like MIL forcing me to treat her like the cash cow she was accusing us of treating her as. As if all I want MIL for is stuff, and this is how we would prove it.  Uh-uh!  But then I was in the horribly awkward position of either telling her a) we don't need any of this stuff anyway, and I only made this list because you asked me to--which of course sounds completely ungrateful and would wound her even more, since she really wants to be appreciated; OR b) say something affirming and appreciative and put aside my own wounded pride at being wrongfully accused of being greedy and using MIL to get what we want.  I tried to do the latter, of course.

But overall that attempt at MIL and I bridging the gift gap with a shared online wish list--disaster. So when she told me this past Thanksgiving to just do that again--did she really think that worked out well the year before, after the negative things she had said to me in emails about how much it hurt her? Had she forgotten the things she said?  So instead of directly answering, we just tried to turn the conversation to positive directions about our gift giving in general, and options for this Christmas specifically.

But all our efforts really didn't work. When we suggested the kids make wish lists for "Oma" instead, like they have before, MIL said that didn't work because I oppress my children so they don't know how to think for themselves or are too afraid to say what they really think/want. Also, she believes that in past years I masterminded the lists so that the children only asked for the things I allowed them to ask for, and not what they really wanted. (I'm pretty sure she is remembering the year two of the girls asked Oma for undershirts for Christmas. Their idea, not mine! But she never will believe me. ; )

Oh, and she is right, by the way--Oma's no dummy. And neither am I.  Of course I always help shape the kids' wish lists to Oma.  Because of course otherwise they put things on their lists like "a puppy" and "a big cozy chair just for me" (oh yes--both of these were suggestions for Christmas wish lists in years past ; ) or other things that are inappropriate, but which Oma and Opa might be tempted to get them anyway. Or not get, but then give DH and I grief about--because we are such bad parents and are breaking our kids' hearts because we live in such a tiny dump and we can't provide for our kids the things they "need" like their very own cozy chair!

(You think I'm exaggerating. But no, this is the kind of grief we get a lot. For example, since last January we've heard how we have broken our kids' hearts because they don't have beds of their own yet. No, we haven't done more on the bed project. No, I'm pretty sure our kids are not heartbroken over it.)

So, guiding the creation of gift wish lists in the past is something I openly confess to doing. But of course I always make sure the things that end up on the list are things the kids really do want, that were their own ideas.

But back to that night's conversation. If MIL did not like the kids making wish lists because she felt I was orchestrating them, I suggested she just talk directly to the kids and ask them what they wanted. But then she argued that that wouldn't work because they never say what they really want. In fact, when MIL asks the kids what they want, the first thing they do is look at me, and that annoys her to no end. She thinks they are afraid of saying what they want in front of me, or are so oppressed by their mother that they don't know how to speak their own thoughts openly.

Really, the truth is this: my kids think I give them good gifts.  Which just means like every mom I listen to the things they say they want throughout the year, and then I try to make those things happen. I also know my kids well, and so usually guess well at what they will like.  Merry said the sweetest thing to me just the other day--she said, "Mommy, you always give me the perfect gifts!  It's like I didn't even know they were exactly what I wanted until I open them!" : )  (I'm pretty sure I've also mentioned that my kids are the best gift receivers ever--so easy to please!) So when my children look at me when Oma asks them for their ideas, they do so because they know I'll help them come up with good ideas.  It's a good thing, not a bad thing.

Ok, that's enough about the wish lists. I told you all that for two reasons:

1) it was the perfect example of how I am "damned if I do" help Oma come up with good gifts for the kids, and "damned if I don't."  I really cannot win, and there is nothing I can do to make MIL happy with me.  It's like I exist only to be the bad guy--the one who is keeping the kids from getting what they want, or keeping MIL from enjoying giving gifts, or making the process of gift selection unpleasant or difficult, etc. So my urge is to remove myself from the conversation entirely.

2) it's a good example of how MIL will choose to take good things and twist them around so that they are bad.

And the whole, painful, over an hour-long conversation just went downhill from there.

But here's the gist:

I did not comport myself ideally, such as when MIL accused me of all kinds of things over and over, and I got pretty indignant and was raising my voice telling her she may not call me a liar and say untrue things about me, and she told me I could not tell her what to do, and not to shout at her. I wasn't shouting--but I was not putting up with any crap at that moment either. That was the weak point in the "discussion" on my part, when I was letting go of my cool--not angry, just passionate. But still not collected. But overall I tried to be gracious but was firm in reminding her that we are not responsible for her feelings, and Christmas is not about us. It's about Jesus, not us!  We can't ruin Christmas because it is not about us! And I asked for her forgiveness one last time. She rejected it, and so I asked her why she wants to stay mad at me. She was uncomfortable with that and then turned the conversation to attack DH about some way that he was failing his kids (probably the beds again, since after all that's all they really want and we can't even provide that for them, hence the breaking of little hearts). After a brief defense of DH, just to remind her of some more truths in that area, I excused myself to bed, because I could see the conversation was going nowhere productive or helpful.

But here's possibly the most significant part of the whole thing: before I went upstairs, I went to FIL who had been sitting nearby listening for most of this whole discussion.  I told him that I was truly sorry for the misunderstandings of the past and whatever hurt we have caused and we really do care about their feelings and trust we can resolve it all together at some point. He thanked me, and said he thought some of the things said tonight were long needing said, and some good may come out of it.

It hit me a few minutes later, as I was upstairs thinking through all that had just occurred while I got ready for bed: this was possibly the first time FIL had ever witnessed this kind of dialogue between MIL and me, where I am taking a firm stance against some things but trying to seek restoration of relationship overall.  I keep forgetting that he might know nothing of the things I have said to Rita over the years about all this conflict, either in conversations or in letter, so perhaps he thinks this is my first time apologizing. And he thinks that apology is long overdue. (oh, how my pride rears angrily at that thought--sigh.) Or maybe he was just affirming that we need to talk this out so we can work it out--again, because perhaps he does not realize MIL and I have been talking about it for years. Or maybe he even agreed with some of the things I said to Rita, about honoring God with our relationship, forgiveness, etc. (again, things I've said to her but maybe he has never heard). But whatever--at least I believe at this point in time that FIL understands my intentions.

And maybe him & DH overhearing most of our discussion was good, for reasons I don't even know. Such as accountability--maybe FIL can help MIL process some of this now, or help urge her to forgive.  And DH really took a lead role in the discussion too, which might bode well for the future. I don't know.

I do think the conversation needed to happen, and so am overall glad it did. Even if nothing new was said, it is good to address all these feelings and thoughts before we head into the Christmas and more gift-giving together. Also, I am going to be hopeful that MIL is starting to experience some healing, and this might even be part of it. Because MIL was oddly much more calm even when angry this time than she usually is when we talk about such things.  That and the discussion had ebb and flow, instead of just being a furious tirade.  

DH and his mom argued and discussed for a while longer, and I lay in bed upstairs hearing the rise and fall of their voices. The next day was Sunday, so lots to do with getting ready for church, and then having lunch, and then packing up the car to leave (which is mostly my job--one I have always willingly taken on since the last day is usually when negative hits most, so its nice to be elsewhere and busy in a way MIL approves of). So we managed to get through the day without a return to negativity, but it was clearly hanging over us.

I forgot to mention that Thanksgiving day, the day we arrived, was a pleasure. MIL was so gracious, so generous, so fun. She welcomed my help in the kitchen and was not at all irritable at me not doing things just right.  So it was a shame that things had to end poorly--and yet, that is usually the pattern of when we visit them.  This particular visit just had extremes--an extremely good Thanksgiving day, and an extremely noteworthy confrontation, and then an extremely uncomfortable last day.  I wish it was easier for me all to focus on the extremely good!