Christmas, Ruined--Continued.

So.

I didn't mention one other gift MIL gave me that same fateful Christmas ten years ago. I didn't list it in my previous post as one of the Three Rejections because it was not brought up and held over our heads during the Big Heated Discussion of Christmas Rejections Past we had while in Chico for Thanksgiving a few weeks ago.  But as it made the Catalog of Unforgivable Offenses for several years, it is still worth mentioning.

It's a tragic story. I'll make it brief.

Sometime before Christmas MIL took me shopping in Chico to look for presents for the kids. She took me to a cute little store downtown that has all kinds of fun things for kids--a lot of well made, quality toys. A nice store, if a little expensive.  While we were looking around, I saw a little lap harp, which made me remark off-hand to MIL that someday I'd love to have a hammered dulcimer.  Now, that is truly a desire of my heart, but yet not something that will likely ever be--hammered dulcimers take up a lot of floor space, and they are notoriously difficult to keep in tune, esp. in moist environments (and there are a lot of strings to tune, so maintenance would be no small deal).  And they are very expensive. And I won't have time to learn a new instrument until the kids are out of the house, at the soonest. So, it was a remark made just to be sociable, with no other intent.

Well.

On that Christmas day, as we were opening gifts amid the chaos, MIL handed me a black soft case, that clearly had a musical instrument inside. But the shape left me puzzled--what could MIL be giving me?

And I opened a lovely wooden stringed instrument. But after making some positive oohs of admiration, I had to ask, "What is it?"  And MIL said, with a note of why-are-you-asking-me in her voice, "A dulcimer."  I must have had a dawning look of recognition on my face, because then MIL clarified and added, "You said you had always wanted a dulcimer."  And immediately my heart sank, because there was no way I could go back in time and change the way I had received the gift and show her the enthusiasm she rightly deserved for trying to give me what she thought was the secret desire of my heart.

Turns out, there is more than one kind of dulcimer:

The one pictured on the bottom there is a small hammered dulcimer. (They can be as large as a small desk.)  The one on the top there is a mountain dulcimer, and looks exactly like the one MIL gave me that Christmas.

Oh, how sweet of MIL to hear my spoken wish and then go to real effort to try to make that wish come true. Seriously--that mountain dulcimer was the sweetest, most thoughtful gift I think I have ever received, and certainly so from my MIL.

But. (Of course you knew there had to be a but!)

I know my confusion when I was opening it confused and hurt MIL--she thought I would be delighted, and I am sure that was a let-down.  She had really outdone herself with extravagant gifts that year: the dulcimer, the white gold earrings, the black leather jacket for DH.  She was really trying hard, and here clearly the dulcimer had been wrong somehow and so had been the jacket. . . Sigh. I really feel for MIL when I look back.  (And then the rejection of the dolls a few days later, and then the rejection of the earrings some months later. . . Sigh.)

I am being totally honest here, admitting completely the things DH and I did wrong. Mostly I did wrong.  But also in all honesty, we didn't mean to be so horribly self-focused and picky.  It was like one bad misunderstanding after another, and it all contributed to poor MIL's feelings of Rejection.

Her little Christmas heart was broken.

Over the years since, I have mentally walked back through it all, over and over, thinking about all the things we could/should have said or done differently. If only we had known. If only we had realized.

But one thing I  have decided is that there are some Very Good Things that do NOT make Very Good Gifts.  A safe bet when trying to figure out if something is a good gift is to think, "Would I like someone to give something like this to me in this way?" For example, I think we all agree it is not particularly wise or thoughtful to buy any expensive clothing item for someone else, unless it is accompanied by a gift receipt.  Everyone has different tastes, and no one likes to get clothing they don't like but then feel badly about not wanting to keep.

[Mother, I apologize right now for the striped velour turtleneck top and pants set I bought you for Christmas the year Sunny was born. I was feeling rushed and likely still impaired by birth hormones. Not only was the outfit too big, but it was not your style--even though I still say you could have rocked it. You very politely expressed your concerns as you modeled it for me, and I tried to be enthusiastic about how it would work fine--when instead I should have suggested we take it back and go looking together for something you liked better. Thank you for never holding it against me, and I hope I put the receipt in the bag. ; )  But I learned my lesson well, and have never bought anyone in my extended family clothes again.]

So expensive leather jackets definitely fall into the category of Very Good Things but not in the category of Very Good Gifts, unless you let the person pick it out themselves.  And I've decided the same is true of musical instruments, unless the person has specifically asked for it.  Yes, the gift was very sweet and thoughtful--that is definitely true.  But then MIL persisted in asking every time we saw each other whether or not I had learned how to play it yet.  Um, I was the mother of two young children, with a baby on the way. I really did not have time to learn to play an instrument. So the dulcimer had been tucked out of harms way in my closet, and was waiting for the someday when I would. But MIL took that as a sign of rejection too. After all, why wouldn't I be learning to play it if it was a Good Gift?  For years after she would bring it up, and express her hurt over how I didn't like the instrument, and I would very emphatically tell her I DID like the instrument very much, and that it was one of the sweetest gifts I have every received. Both true!  But she could not believe me because I was not learning how to play it in all my spare time.

But, this one Gift I think has a happy ending. Because when Merry was old enough to learn an instrument, I saw a mountain dulcimer up on Sunny's guitar teacher's shelf, and asked if she knew how to play it and would she be willing to teach little Merry.  The teacher graciously complied, and so Merry took one year of dulcimer lessons. Just enough to learn how to play "Go Tell Aunt Rhody" at the winter recital:

I think MIL finally saw the instrument being used and enjoyed, and so has let that initial disappointment and the subsequent feelings of rejection go.

But I still say that the unfortunate misunderstanding about the hammered dulcimer vs the mountain dulcimer contributed to MIL's feelings about being so thoroughly rejected that particular Christmas.  So I thought I would tell you this story too, so you would understand how so many horrible coincidences and misunderstandings and mistakes worked together to create such a Christmas from which MIL has never been able to recover.

When I look at this photo, which I just discovered while browsing our photo files to determine the exact year of The Fateful Christmas--2004, exactly ten years ago--I don't see any malice in those faces. I just see two very young people who can't imagine the consequences of their ignorance and poor judgement.

(Isn't it a cute photo though? FIL, DH's sister Auntie N, Sunny's foot there kicking up, me, DH, all down at Great-Grandmas.)

Sigh.

To be continued.